evile

We had dinner with Aunt L and Uncle B to celebrate Brother A's freedom. His original release date was 1/23, but after all the rigamarole his final parole appointment was the 19th so that's his real 'freedom' date. That was nice. It's good to be able to go out in the world again and it was at Arpeggio, one of our favorite places. L. brought me a boxed cake mix , "Dolly Parton's Banana Cake" and a can of "Dolly Parton's buttercream frosting"....apparently I'm supposed to make this abomination and bring her a nice corner piece. LOL. I hate all things artificially banana flavored. I love real fresh bananas and i even like banana bread or banana pancakes/waffles, but not banana pudding, bananas foster, banana candy, ice cream, etc. It's the artificial whatever alkaloid ester chemical shitstorm that I dislike. Anyhoo. I'll make it and Thax and A can eat it and I'll take L&B a big old piece, too. LOL. L was obese for most of her working life and when she retired she lost a lot of weight and now is fairly strict with her eating habits. Good for her but her work arounds for when she wants a sweet are kinda funny :)

We gpt home around 8 and decided to walk dogs before settling in for some TV and bedtime, our usual routine. We were passing by a VRBO house that used to be a 'group home' in our neighborhood when I heard a squirrel doing the little 'distress bark' which I thought was unusual because it was well after dark by then. So I walked over to see if maybe it was fussing because it was trapped, stuck, or had a baby on the ground. I shined my cellphone's flashlight up into the tree and saw two eyes reflecting back at me, a cat lying in a fork of the branches. I didn't see the squirrel. I started looking around under the tree to see if I could see a baby. There was another cat at the base of the tree, looking up. Sunny started barking at the cat and the cat backed off; I thought that was fine, maybe if the cat ran off from the base of the tree the squirrel could get down safely and get to another tree with no cat in it.

Meanwhile, this man from across the street and up a couple of houses came over and started shouting at us, apparently these were his cats and our dog was scaring them, whatever whatever. I tried to explain that i'd heard a squirrel in distress and was trying to find out what was wrong, he yelled at me about Sunny barking and scaring his cats, I tried to explain that the cat was already in the tree (terrorizing the squirrel) when we walked up, he said "I'm done listening to you," or "I'm done with you" or something like that, and "just go away". I said "Ok,fine, god bless you, sir." (sarcastic tone) and started to walk away. He said "fuck you" and that was IT. I yelled "fuck you" back, then he started going off on "You're not a real believe, real good christian with that language," and I was like "FUCK YOU, YOU SAID IT TO ME FIRST!!!"

Meanwhile Thax is speaking in calm conversational tones trying to de-escalate the ridiculous nonsense. I'm walking away, yelling at him "jesus christ, what the fuck is wrong with you," (I don't remember what all I said) and he's yelling 'fuck you" at me and "you trying to fight" at Thax. His teenage (?) son(?) was trying to get him to walk away and I'm yelling shit at him like "Keep your fucking cats in your goddamn house if you dont' want dogs barking at them" and then my grand finale "Go back to New Jersey or wherever the GODDAMN HELL you came from, WE DONT ACT LIKE THIS IN TEXAS!!!!!"

it was fucking ridiculous. We've passed these cats on our walks before, that street is on our regular morning route. The cats like to go under these big arbor vitae trees that are across the street from the man's house, and sometimes they'll be under there when the dogs are sniffing at the trees. he's given us the stinkeye for that before. Not that Boba, the tree pee-er is at all interested in the cats. He just likes to pee on those trees. Sunny would chase a cat if she wasn't leashed. The cats never seem that bothered by it, if he leaves them out at night I'm sure they've dealt with worse--we have raccoons, possums, and coyotes in our neighborhood. Anyway, it was dumb and I'm ashamed and embarassed that I let him get my goat like that. Screeching profanity in the street like a goddamned lunatic.

In one way I'm glad I didn't let him get away with cussing at me and my husband and my dogs, I'm glad I didn't just walk away and let him be abusive...but on the other hand I don't know what I could have or should have said or done to be a better person. Just walk away and let him cuss is probably the best, make him the unequivocal asshole in the situation. But whatever.

It's raining this morning so the dogs don't want to walk, so we wont' be passing his house today. But I guess at some point we'll walk that way again. I guess we'll see what happens. I'm sure his kid was very embarassed to be in that situation too. I hope that guy isn't always so foul and awful. And I hope the squirrel is OK. :/

Current Mood: embarrassed

There seems to be a giant rash of faux apologies going around my friends list in Facebook lately. People saying things like "I tend to be brash and don't realize I've hurt someone's feelings until after it's too late," and "I hurt you and you broke my heart and I know you won't forgive me," and "I'm such a terrible person," bla bla bla. And that is to say nothing of the sorrowful kittens and puppehs with cute little captions about "I sowwy"...e.Gads.

What is the point, exactly, of making such announcements to the world at large? Would it not be more productive to actually approach the person you think is angry with you, in a forum less public than Facebook, to try and sort things out?

But then I had my A-HA moment and realized that all these apologies are just dramatic productions with no intention of apology, forgiveness, or reconciliation at heart. Just a big show, oh poor pitiful me, look how hard I tried to get so and so to forgive me, and isn't so and so such a big fat stupid jerk for not forgiving me...uh huh.

http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/apology.shtml

Current Location: home.

So, every once in a while, I check out shrink4men.com. Something I see time and again is a guy chiming in on the ‘comments’ section, saying things like “My wife/girlfriend screams at me, spits at me, throws things at me, slaps me, breaks my stuff, (etc etc) should I get out?”…the answer, of course, being, “effing DUH, dude,” but then hindsight and memory kick in and I realize that it’s not always that simple; there are kids involved, there’s property, there’s pets, not to mention it was a long slippery slope from the first day they fell in love to the night she kept him up all night crying and screaming at him and finally to the day she started slapping him around and stomping on his iphone. And he still loves her. And he thinks if he just finds the perfect thing to do/say/be, she won't do it again and she will love him again the way she did during the great times when they first got together.

It seems so insane, but there’s such a gradual progression to that point of insanity, you literally do not notice, or you have somehow managed to hone your powers of denial to apply a thick coat of “it’s not so bad”…

Here’s where the light bulb went off for me. You know that old saying about how “if someone doesn’t treat the waiter nice, s/he’s not a nice person”? In my relationship with fungus_finger, I came to finally see that my ex was much nicer and more considerate to waitstaff than he was to me or my family.

And then there came a realization that if I was just meeting this man today, and this was our first date, there is NO WAY in HELL that I would tolerate being treated the way he had gradually come to treat me. I would have no place in my life, ATALL, PERIOD, for such a rude, slovenly stranger. So why the heck was I putting up with being treated that way by someone with whom I’d chosen to make a lifetime commitment and I thought had made a similar commitment to me??? Did I really want to spend the rest of my life being ignored, belittled, verbally assaulted, physically intimidated, picking up his messes, paying his bills, surrounded by his garbage, cooking and cleaning and functioning as not much more than a human Fleshlight? NO. And not just NO, but HELL FUCKING NO!

Sometimes all it takes is a fresh look at something to finally see it for what it is. Would you accept the way your partner treats you if they were a stranger on the street or a person on a first date? Would you feel comfortable if a dear friend was being treated the way your SO treats you? If the answer is no, it may be time to make a plan, get safe, and get that person GONE from your life.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Location: home sweet home
Current Music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PVPLz6zKMc

I have had an experience with A person, B event, or C place that is not the same as yours.
That does not automatically translate to “I think you’re lying”

I have an opinion that differs from yours.
That does not automatically translate to “I am attacking you.”

A bad thing happened to you.
That does not automatically mean that you get to go around saying “I am a good person, and other people are bad people.”

Bad things happen to good people. Bad things happen to bad people. Bad things happen to everyone, all the time. Sometimes as a result of bad decision. Sometimes you're doing something stupid. Sometimes because you’re just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sometimes you’re trying to do something good and it blows up in your face. Sometimes the bad thing that happens is something that the other person isn't even aware of at the time, and it's in no way aimed at you, personally (standing at the bus stop on a rainy day, someone drives by in a hurry and splashes water on you...) Shit happens. All the time. To everyone.

Demonizing others does not help your cause. Attacking others does not help your credibility. Deciding you’ve been attacked and demonized and running around screaming “I’m a victim!” does not invite people to admire you.

You have the right to your thoughts and feelings. But please realize that putting aside your feelings, organizing your thoughts and presenting events as objectively as possible is the best possible way to win friends and influence people.

Unless you just want headshaking and pity. In which case, just keep on doin' what you're doin'.

Current Mood: disappointed
Current Location: home.

http://news.yahoo.com/exclusive-gingrich-lacks-moral-character-president-ex-wife-135852543--abc-news.html

BTW, Newty-newt, the time to ask your partner for an open relationship is BEFORE you start sleeping with other people. EVEN I KNOW THAT AND I SUCKED AT POLY!

Honestly, I think it would be great to have more politicians who are in non traditional relationships that involve OPENNESS & HONESTY with their partner(s). Too bad politics is all about who can be the biggest, richest, most lyin-ist fuckbag out there.

Current Mood: annoyed
Current Location: home

So, back in...I dunno, like 2008 or something, my stepbrother

sineater friended me on LJ. I was pretty uncomfortable with this; we've had a history of unpleasantness between us, starting with the night my friend X and I threw his soon-to-be wife a "Bachelorette Party" which went horribly awry. bla bla, old old news.

Anyway...he friended me and I was thinking he was expecting me to friend him back, and I was uncomfortable with that, knowing his wife's tendency to treat everything he owns as hers, including, presumably, email and LJ accounts.

Being human and nosy, I went ahead and cut and pasted some of the recent entries for later reading, and then I messaged him with "hey, thanks for friending me, but we've had a hard time with this sort of thing in the past, as far as you and yours reading something I write and deciding I'm a horrible person, etc." and he replied with "it was a mis-click," and unfriended me.

Also around that time I guess is when he posted the public thing about me "stalking and harassing" him and his wife.

Anyway, my cel phone recently died a horrible death and one of the files I'd had saved there was some of those entries. I re-read them, particularly the 'spin' Sineater put on one of our more recent interactions: My mom was in town and Thax and I drove her to the park where his HFS group met, so mom could visit with him and the horses. I stood around and said nothing to no one, his wife babbled at me for a bit [even after I turned my back on her to indicate that I was not interacting with her], and then we left. So, that became, in his interpretation, me using mom and Thax to "stalk and harass"...he said it was a nice visit with mom, and called Thax my "unwitting accomplice"

I guess I'd probably read that before. But reading it again today, something just clicked in my head and I realized Sineater isn't a very nice person. and really, he never has been. When our parents were dating, he spent a good amount of time trying to get into my pants. When we became stepsiblings, he turned his attentions to any female friend I brought into the house. He frustrated and upset our parents by sneaking out of the house to visit various girlfriends over the course of his high school career, and also found interesting ways to disobey house rules re: visitors, phone calls after 10, etc etc. He has pretty much always been a sneaky, disrespectful, lying little weasel. And as soon as he got a chance, he moved out of the family home and back to Austin where he lived with his [obese & abusive, gee sound familiar?] ex stepmom for the last part of his HS, and apparently she treated him like a roommate & he was allowed to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted, which was more to his liking than having a family and chores and curfews and rules.

His choice of life-partner was exactly that, his choice. Another spit in the face of his family, who he has never respected or cared about. Maybe it was even a conscious decision to pick someone he knew would fight with and alienate all of us. I don't know.

I won't go so far as to say that he deserves the way she treats him and talks about him, because NO ONE deserves to be hit and yelled at and talked bad about all the time, but it's his choice and that's that.

So...while I love him, because you do always love your family no matter how fucked up they are...I realized today that I really don't LIKE him at all.

If he calls in need of food, or money, or a place to stay, or a place to bury a body, of course I'll be there for him, because that's what family does. But I realized today that I no longer wish to have any sort of emotional intimacy with him, or share my life or my happiness with him. The fact that we don't have that no longer hurts me.

It's very freeing.

Current Mood: relieved
Current Location: home.
Current Music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UaH0hds0o7c

Credit:
http://fuckyeahalbuquerque.tumblr.com/post/1229128082 via http://huzzahactuallygoodporn.tumblr.com/

[NSFW]

Current Mood: infuriated
Current Location: home from work.

I got home from a Costco run with my aunt and just started to unload my car when I heard a car accident on the road behind me and a couple houses off to my left.

I didn't see the accident, but I saw the car that pulled away--red jeep, adult male driver who appeared hispanic or India-indian, got his plate # but did not see what state it was from. I didn't think it was a Tx plate. I wrote the info down and then I took my dairy into the house and put it away (was that rude & insensitive or practical of me? I dunno)

Then I took my written-down info to the guy. He was pretty shaken, had a bruise and what looked like a puncture on his right forearm, was walking very stiffly. Both airbags had gone off, the front end of was crushed in. He was very grateful for the info, he was on his cel phone to the cops, I guess. Another neighbor had pulled over to help and tried to get the car to move to the side of the road but it wasn't going anywhere.

As I headed back to my house, making sure the guy was Ok and didn't need anything else, I looked back and saw that the bus was stopped behind the car, unsure if he could drive around and between the werecked car and cars parked on the curb. I heard a woman in a truck screaming "move it, asshole!"

I fought back the urge to yell "Get some compassion, you FUCKING BITCH!" back at her...

It was a hard fight, and I still feel like I shoulda yelled that.

Current Mood: quixotic

No sooner did I cut Myspace out of my life in an attempt to minimize drama, but that bottom-feeding druggie ex X started commenting in my yahoo 360 blog and emailed me after that, when the comment didn't get a response. At least in this one situation, I can happily say that I have NOT fed the trolls, and I don't intend to. It's pretty hard when she brings the kids into it. She finally...finally...finally said what I needed to hear so long ago. I feel like it's too little too late, but at least she said it.

Date: Wed, 26 Sep 2007 10:30:04 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Crystal A."
Because of me you had to lose your relationship with my children, that hurt all of you and that is all my fault.

She said a lot of other stuff, too...and closed with a paragraph on how to contact her daughter & how much it would mean to the child if I got in touch. But, truthfully...back when the kid was 9 or so, I noticed her adopting her mother's ways of manipulating and using people, and by the time she was 13 she was adept at saying what she thought the grownups wanted to hear. She was in alot of AP stuff at school--not that she was academically gifted, but she
was well-behaved at school, craved teacher approval, and was good at parroting back whatever she thought the teachers wanted to hear. You could probably ask her facts and figures type questions and do allright, but as far as critical thinking, Zero.

ANYWAY...the child was turning into a spoiled little user/manipulator back then, and has only had 4 more years to perfect her 'act'...so do I really want to try and undo that lifetime of damage and try to model authentic human behavior for her? Or is that even my job?

The most cynical parts of me note that X mentions the child is about to be graduated from HS and trying for college. Cynical E thinks aha. we are trolling for college money, aren't we?. The part of me who still hurts and feels broken and empty misses the children desperately wants very much to believe X's sincerity and at least try for a relationship with the goddaughter.

But...luckily or unluckily, Cynical E is in charge of the keyboard fingers.

*sigh*

Oh, and Thax's (not yet legally) ex wife apparently just found out about us and wrote a sad little LJ entry. I feel bad for her, but I am not going to say anything 'out loud'...I don't think she's interested in my thoughts or feelings. I have nothing but respect for her intellect but I think the relationship was unhealthy and they are both better off now. So, best for me to just stay quiet.

No feeding the Drama today.

Current Mood: pensive

Good name in man and woman, dear my lord,
Is the immediate jewel of their souls:
Who steals my purse steals trash; 'tis something, nothing;
'Twas mine, 'tis his, and has been slave to thousands:
But he that filches from me my good name
Robs me of that which not enriches him
And makes me poor indeed.

==William Shakespeare, Othello

It just keeps coming up...in my own life as well as in those around me. Reputation. Character. Good Name. Looking through my life and my possessions, it's all I really own. It's all that will be left of me when I'm gone (well, ok, maybe a cornea or a kidney or something, too, but that's too literal for this post)

I may not always do the right thing according to conventional morality or YOUR morality (whoever you are reading this right now), but I always try to do the thing that allows me to be the person I think I am, a person I can respect, the best possible "me".

Being a person I can respect is important to me. I keep my word even when it hurts. I tell the truth when it needs telling, even when THAT hurts. I am trying to learn better discernment on when the truth needs telling and when to just shut up. Given a choice between unnecessary hurtful truth, a lie and silence, I will take silence. Don't push me when I'm being quiet. Really, don't.

I try very hard to be respectful of others, even if I believe they are stupid, shallow, misinformed, blind, mentally ill, or otherwise impaired in their judgements. If someone is saying or doing something wrong and stupid and the only person it's hurting is themselves*, I have learned from bitter experience to leave them to it.

I've also learned that being respectful to myself and others is far more likely to gain others' respect than any amount of hot air, puffery, or self-aggrandizement. I try to keep my words and behavior in agreement with one another. People will observe my actions far more than they will hear my words: If you say you are a person of honor and then behave dishonorably, others will believe that you are dishonorable no matter how many pretty words you use to try and justify poor behavior.

Likewise, there is no need to talk badly about anyone; their own words and actions will show their character without any assistance from you and it just makes you look low and petty. There is no reason to give a person you don't care for any of your time and energy by talking about them. Let them be.

It seems like a good time to refamiliarize myself with The Four Agreements:

Be Impeccable With Your Word
Don’t Take Anything Personally
Don’t Make Assumptions
Always Do Your Best

=========================
*otoh, if someone's actions or words are hurting someone I care about, all bets are off. I'm NOT a saint.

Current Mood: angry
Current Location: home
Current Music: Bodies, Drowning Pool

I was browsing through friends' LJs and memories and such and I found this quote. It's brilliant and perfect for today:

from http://zoethe.livejournal.com/170683.html:
( Read more... )
According to Webster's Dictionary, drama is "a state, situation or series of events involving intense conflict or force." Passion, on the other hand, is defined as "a devotion to some activity, object or concept." ( Read more... )

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Location: work
Current Music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0v-7t9UJQs

Maybe forever.

( NOT for public discussion. questions? ask ME. )

all comments are being screened.

Current Mood: irate
Current Music: Kiss Off, The Violent Femmes

Sep. 12, 2005

I unfriended her.

====================
Date: Tue, 13 Sep 2005 01:21:
Subject: Reply to your post...

roboho (roboho) replied to your LiveJournal post in which you said:

> To those coworkers and acquaintances who have joined Mrs. Bush in

talking

> about what a blessing Katrina actually was to the people of New

Orleans,

> who have joined the Republican Party in blaming the poor, blaming the
> mayor of NOLA and the governor of Louisiana, who have not questioned

the

> appropriateness of our president playing guitars and saying "What
> problem?" while thousands lost their lives...

> Let me just say that when I next hear of you losing a beloved friend

> family member to death, here is what I'm going to say to you:

> "Gosh, it's really a blessing that they're dead. I mean, they were

> pain and suffering, anyway. They weren't healthy, so it's a blessing

> disguise that they're gone. And look at all the wonderful cards and
> flowers you got! So, it's really working out well for you,

isn't

> it?"

> You are now warned. No empathy, no sympathy for those who have shown
> none.

Their reply was:

"Gosh, it's really a blessing that they're dead. I mean, they were
in
pain and suffering, anyway. They weren't healthy, so it's a blessing
in
disguise that they're gone. And look at all the wonderful cards and
flowers you got! So, it's really working out well for you, isn't
it?"

The "gosh" is really so unnecessary. Having watched my father-in-law
die
of lung cancer ending on December 9th in a vain struggle to survive
through the holidays last year I can honestly say that the few people
that had the gumption to express this sentiment were the ones who
comforted us the most. We still have the plants that we got from the
services and they are thriving. I nurture them every day to make sure
they stay around as long as possible in honor of Rick and his loving
memory. And frankly, yes, things really did work out well all things
(suffering, watching the suffering, being helpless to stop the
suffering)
being relative. We could still be changing his diapers while he
struggles
for every breath and doesn't even recognize us anymore because his
body
is so riddled with cancer but instead we get to remember him and
cherish
that memory the way he was before it got so bad that the only thing
we
could ever recall once he was gone is how far down hill he went.

For the record, the people in New Orleans, the working class, were
sick
to fucking death of the tourists and the never ending slavery of
poverty
that forced them into the service industry to survive. They, the ones
I've spoken to, are so thrilled to be out of New Orleans you couldn't
drag them back with a team of wild horses.

It's one thing to be looking in from the outside and thinking what
fun it
is to visit and even live for a little while. It's another to be yet
another generation of indigent blacks who can't get a leg up in the
world
they live in and know nothing else. The never ending cycle has the
first
chance in their black history to finally be broken for good.

I HATE that it took this kind of tragedy but maybe, if it were you or
me,
we would see it as a blessing in disguise.

I'm just saying...

There's more than one side to every story and in the middle there is
the
truth.

I do want to add that the upper and middle class are the ones most
angry
about everything and insisting on the rebuild. And for once, they are
clearly in the minority which just gives me the warm fuzzies inside.
I
wonder who's going to serve them now?

Current Mood: infuriated

Sep. 7, 2005
Subject: FW: Family of 4 evacuees moving in with me

Date: Tue, 6 Sep 2005 15:58:58 -0500
From: Crash

This is an email that Kathleen copied me on today. She also copied
ALL of our mutual friends and her friends on this. I think it's
great what she is doing for those people. If you guys have anything
to contribute, I'll see that it gets to the right place, just let me
know.

As for the part she interjected about us, I think it speaks for
itself, especially in the context that it is written. Of all the
things to bring up when asking for help for hurricane victims.
Always remember there are two sides to every story

Crash

----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------

From: Kathleen
Sent: Tuesday, September 06, 2005 10:47 AM

Subject: Family of 4 evacuees moving in with me

Hello everyone again :) I have a new development and could be called
back to New Orleans any minute now so I am putting the word out now
in case I have to leave soon so here goes!

I have been working all morning on getting a family of 4 that are in
a shelter in Winnie, TX up here to house them in the apt. in the
metal building. It is 2 adults and 2 children and they lost
everything but their car and the clothes on their backs in New
Orleans.

They are currently working with FEMA to get travel/clothing/gas
vouchers at the Beaumont Shelter I worked the last 4 days and are
hoping they can be here on Wedensday or shortly there after. My
concern is I will be sent to New Orleans right around the time they
are getting here and I am gonna need help getting these people
welcomed and settled. Thats where all of you come in if you can :)
Since I spent 96 hours with 3 thousand traumatized refugee's, I can
tell you that simple talk, touching, welcoming and support is the
absolute BEST thing we can do for them and I would like them to have
all of that when I am not here. Of course they are gonna need
clothing/furniture/dishes/stuff and I will need help with that too
but human contact and re-assurance that they are not alone is SO
vitally important I am asking that you help me with that aspect too
if you can swing it. As things develop I will get the info to you
either myself if I am still here or through Ted and Jen if I go back
sooner than later, K?

I wanted all of you to know how gratefull I am for all of your
donations and emotional support during this time. Since Crash broke
my heart and jerked my world out from underneath me, I have been so
sad and devestated that getting through the day has been all I can do
just to get by. It has been one of the saddest and hardest things I
have ever had to go through and it has been pure hell that he did
this to me so cruely and casually. But over the last week or so, all
of you have been so loving, kind, supportive and THERE that I see all
of you in a new perspective and cannot express how GRATEFULL I feel
that I have all of you. It is helping me to heal a little so I can be
there for all of the evacuee's and I wanted you to know that. I
couldn't step up to this plate when I am hurting as bad as I am am
every second of every day without your love so don't believe for a
single second that your contribution is small or inconsequential. You
are providing the inspiration for me to do this so you are all there
with me in spirit. Believe it. It's the truth!

I love all of you,

Kathleen
===========
Date: Tue, 6 Sep 2005 14:11:54 -0700 (PDT)
From: me
Subject: Re: FW: Family of 4 evacuees moving in with me
To: Crash

thanks for the info. She probably sent it to my spambox at
freaks.net, which I never check because it's too full of spam!

It's very nice of her to do that...

I don't think it was too cool to slam you like that, though.

Anyhoo...I'll see ya tonight at dinner, I guess, and we can chat
about this more if you like.

*hugs*

============================
Subject: RE: FW: Family of 4 evacuees moving in with me
Date: Tue, 6 Sep 2005 16:16:49 -0500
from: Crash

She sent it to me accidentally. She also refused my offered
contributions.

I believe it's ALL about her, not as much about the people she is
helping (although it is still great that she is helping). She has to
save the world in order to gain external validation and feel adequate.
That's my opinion. Same reason she makes me out to be so evil to all
of our friends, her family, etc. etc. We can talk later. It's got me
pretty riled up.

Crash

This is a clarification/expansion of my last post. It's not just about money, it's about reciprocating, in whatever ways you can, when you have people in your life that you care about and want to have a relationship with. I probably don't have enough time right now to say this right, but I am going to try.

Until a couple of years ago, my only friend in Austin was a person I'd been friends with all my life. Our mothers were friends in college. We literally knew each other from birth.( Read more... )

In contrast to that 'friendship,' I now find myself in the company of a wonderfully diverse bunch of people who seem to value me for...ME.( Read more... )

And yet, in the midst of this newfound blessing, I find myself slipping back into the old pattern of giving and doing for someone who is not reciprocating. And unsure, unable, unwilling to ASK for what I would like from them. Hints haven't been good, and hinting has made me feel hypocritical and uncomfortable, as I like to pretend that I'm very outspoken and blunt and always say what I think. I don't want to become a doormat. I don't want to lose a friend. But when all is said and done, I'd rather cut that person loose now than waste any more of my life being used. I guess I am really meant to learn how to ask for what I need from people, how to tell people "no" and stop being a doormat. It's a tough lesson. Bear with me, please. I am trying.

{edit} Here's another thought I had:
Friendship means I have the right to ask for what I want. And you have the right to ask for what you want. Asking for what you need does not in any way obligate the other person to give it to you. If you are unable or unwilling to meet my stated desires or needs, you can say "no", and I reserve that right as well. One NO is not a deal-breaker, it will not end the friendship. A series of NO's, a constant NO, will eventually lead me to believe that since you're unwilling or unable to be a friend on the level I desire, I should seek friendship elsewhere.

Current Mood: scared

Mar. 3, 2005

Me to J-law:

I'm tired, I stayed up too late last night. It was mostly fun. The
main organizer of the poly big fun campout was at dinner last night
and we were talking and before I knew it, I'd agreed to do a reprise
of my 'edible bedroom delights' workshop that I did the
first/last/only time I went to big fun. wow. hope it goes better
this time, since I know more people now. Last time there were only,
like, 4 people at the workshop, and I'd bought like a hundred bux
worth of goodies. I ended up feeling kind of stupid.

ANYWAY, that was fun. I saw a lot of friends and we had the patio
pretty much to ourselves so I got to circulate and chat, which was
really nice.

I did have one kind of icky experience--met my first HBB (Hot Bi
Babe) Hunter. He was writing a screenplay. About bisexual women. And
wanted to interview many many bisexual women. To make it authentic.
So, please, tell me all the hot juicy details of your sex life,
strange woman I just met 5 minutes ago.

He started out seeming friendly and curious and nice, and then all of
the sudden, POW. It was really disconcerting. Luckily, this gal
nosugarsadded showed up as things were getting uncomfortable, and I gave her
giant hugs and said "Hey" and then he started talking to her. Her
boyfriend oracle_tx was right there, so I figure she'd be OK. plus she's
more of a TMI kind of girl, doesn't mind discussing such personal
things. So hopefully I created a win win there, rather than foisted
off an asshole on a friend.

It would have been perfect if UB had been there, I could have
introduced the two of them, she would have lectured him all night
about her fabulous wonderfulness and the rest of the ladies at dinner
could have escaped unscathed.

UB likes to tell stories about how people are always smarming on her
because they think that being poly, pagan, self-professed bi means
you'll fuck anything. I had never experienced this phenomenon so up
close and personal before. UB says her response is something
like "Yes, I'm bi, poly, pagan, sex positive and frisky, but I won't
fuck you, now go play in traffic."...I really wish I'd actually said
that to him.

Oh, and did I mention? He was expelling quantities of intestinal gas
the ENTIRE time. It was FOUL beyond belief. My nasal cavity is singed.

*shaking head* Ah, what a life.

18 Nov. 8:25 am

This strikes me as someone with very poor manners getting all pissed
off because someone calls them on it. For godssakes, if you go to a
play party and see something that makes you uncomfortable, DON'T
LOOK. Go somewhere else, find a friend to chat with in another area,
take a trip to the restroom to calm down if you are THAT distressed,
but don't stand there while someone is doing a scene going "ew!
Squick!"....that's just RUDE. Not to mention possibly dangerous to
the people involved if they get distracted by your verbal outpouring.
Sounds like people who knew she was new were cutting her a lot of
slack with their gentle suggestions that she shouldn't diss it if she
hasn't been in the scene that long & hadn't tried it yet.

http://www.livejournal.com/community/dot_bdsm_snark/26817.html

Beware of Cavebabe (lovecraftienne) wrote in dot_bdsm_snark,
@ 2004-11-17 18:31:00

Current mood: irked

"I don't like that." "You will."
Okay - first post in the forum.

Sunday night I had the pleasure of my first attendance at a play
party. Lots of fun was had, by me and by others.

I'm a relative newbie; I've only been playing for about four or five
months.

But (and this is a big but, rather like my big butt): I do not need
to be told, every 5 minutes, that what squicks me now won't in the
future.

It is, or it should be, considered vaguely possible that I have a
better awareness of myself than those who, say, have only just met me
have. So why do people - people to whom I have just said, hey, I'm
new here - feel the overweening necessity of contradicting me when I
say "oh, squick"? I have never once indicated any judgement of the
people indulging in the behaviour I'm looking at; by definition, I'm
at the freakin' play party, I'm not likely to suddenly turn out to be
The Hangin' Judge of Pre-vert County. I just said, "Oh, squick."
That's a statement of personal taste, only, or it should be.

Just really bugged me. Now, me, I'm a long-time queer girl, queer
activist, feminist, et c., et c.. I don't sit back and say, "that
bugs me" without saying it to the people who are bugging me (and yes,
I did). But I thought it might be useful to the community in general
to think about it a bit; that saying "You will" to people saying they
don't like the look of something for themselves is counterproductive.

Several reasons:

1) The newbie is now informed, by someone they might take to have
some clue, that there is a well-known "progression" of BDSM. Oh,
great, thinks newbie, if I get into this, I'm gonna end up doing
those things that really turn me off right now. Oh, I don't want
that, or it scares me. Better not come back. There is a tyranny
imposed by this idea that there is a progression that everyone
follows; if you don't follow it, or would rather not, then perhaps
you don't belong there. Only it's not true; not everyone moves much,
and when they do, they don't move to the same place.

2) The newbie is told that their feelings about what they like, and
don't like, and go squick over, are invalid, and shouldn't be
ventured. When the only response given to someone's declaration of
desires and tastes is "oh, that'll change"...imagine, if you will,
that you are sitting at a table when you are 8. Your mother puts out
a plate of your least-favourite food. "I don't like that, Mummy,"
you say, and she says, "Oh, you will." Whether or not she might, is
it right that she should? Would it make you feel better about eating
your least-favourite food? Me, I doubt it. It places the newbie in
a spot where she doesn't feel right about contradicting the person
who apparently knows so much...and so she swallows her feelings.

3) The simple fact that it's not terribly nice to contradict someone,
over something fairly personal, when you've just met them, and that
it tends to annoy them. Annoying newbies is a good way to have no
newbies.

One - and only one - person had the kindness to say, "oh, may I ask,
what do you like, then?" This is an excellent answer - it focuses
the newbie back on the positives, on the things that brought her in
the first place, and allows her to begin making a new friend by
revealing something of herself.

It didn't spoil it utterly for me, but it was a source of low-level
irritation throughout the night. I guess I just want people to
reconsider whether this is a useful answer to someone who tells you
that they're not enjoying something you talk about or they can see
happening, or whether another approach might lead to some more
positive interactions. "You will" is a real conversation killer.

Yes, we are all responsible for our own feelings - my point is only
that we as a community could better serve ourselves if this insidious
little response got quietly dropped as something acceptable.

Having had my rant, I will say that the play party was otherwise lots
of fun, and there were some real positive aspects to getting to see
other people play. I've got another rant about some stuff I saw, but
I suspect it =may= be an old one, so I'll hang on and read the group
for a while before I bring that one up.

Aug. 19, 2003

Totally bad timing on that, too, because Pace & Erin just broke up.

But...feh.

It all started with Portal of Evil posting a site of medical
oddities, notably ones centered on female ovary & uterus disorders. I
found some of endometriosis, my personal demon, and posted them in my
LJ, just to sort of refute all that nonsense in C--T about how cool
menstruation is and how awesome the uterus is and how wonderful it is
to give birth and how evil and rotten men are who invented hormonal
birth control and how deluded we women who use it are.

So Pace posts a little flippant "Jealous?" in my comments. No biggie.

My answer was...tactless. Basically I said I didn't understand why
someone would willingly choose to be female. No answer.

And then, on realizing how tactless that was, I also realized that
the womens movement members who believe that womanhood is only
achieved by having a functional uterus are also rejecting women like
Pace, who (for whatever reason) have *chosen* to go through with
various chemical treatments & surgeries in order to be outwardly
female.

I guess I need to try harder to explain/apologize to Pace.

Lots of my friends have hobbies & interests that don't interest me. I
have friends who absolutely *must* attend every weekend of every
renaissance faire. I have friends who are as adamant about being at
HFS stuff. Collecting X men comic books, or all the works of ____
artist. Max is intent on covering himself with tattoos (matching his
outer self to that which he perceives as 'self' or playing "look at
me I'm a freak"?) Not my place to question or judge. People need to
do whatever makes them feel good about themselves & their lives. I
wasn't trying to belittle Pace's choice, just really ... I don't
understand.

1572fuckwittage with e

Expand Messages

evilE

Aug. 19, 2003

--- e wrote:

Subject: Water Fun Sunday
Date: Tue, 19 Aug 2003 09:39:24 -0500

---------------------------------

Hola non-biking friends,

You both have suggested interested in playing in the
water. I am planning on going to either Barton Springs
(more likely of the two) or Hamilton's Pool Sunday
afternoon for some nice relaxing, cool, wet fun and I
wanted to see you. Either one or both of you
interested in joining me? If so please let me know a
good time for you.

=)

e

===============================================
Forwarded to J-Law with this message:

Date: Tue, 19 Aug 2003 09:45:24 -0700 (PDT)
From: e
Subject: Fwd: Water Fun Sunday
To: J-Law

Argh. I dont' know why I even bother. This all started
with "Wanna do a girls night out on Friday or
Saturday?"....so I said Friday would be best for me
(was thinking of going to the beach or at least
swimming somewhere out of town on Saturday)...so this
is her final plan from all that, apparently.

It is not a "Night", It is not on Friday or Saturday.
So why the FUCK did she even bother asking for input
on when/where? And, more importantly, WHY DO I KEEP
BOTHERING?

Anyhoo...how is your Tuesday going?

Sweetie is working on about day 2 or 3 of not brushing his
hair, day 5 of not-bathing and not wearing clean
clothes, and it's been at least a week since he
shaved. I am sorry he is unemployed & feeling bad
about himself, but this is just getting NASTY. WTF. I
have been out of work before, but at least I was
clean, if depressed and miserable & self-hating.

=E

1573Re: fuckwittage with e

Aug. 19, 2003

Date: Tue, 19 Aug 2003 10:22:42 -0700 (PDT)
From: J
Subject: Re: Fwd: Water Fun Sunday
To: me

I have one thing to say re: e, which is: "Non-biking
friends" ?!?!?!?!?!? She could just as easily say, "less interesting
friends," "non-real friends" .....

I am very sorry to hear about Sweetie's weirdness - that must be so hard
to deal with. *hug* I am hoping things get better for both your
sakes.

My Tuesday is going okay - a little slow, actually, but in kind of a
scary way. Like, there's something I could/should be doing but
somehow forgot or ?? At least I can take a few moments to pack,
though - I've hardly done anything on that front.

Upside: I found a job listing for the Courts Editor of Law.com,
which is a legal news, etc. website geared primarily toward lawyers.
It's been around for awhile (not like a .com startup). It sounds
pretty cool. The headline is: Have a law degree but don't want to
practice? Uh, yeah. Better finish up my resume before things get
nutty.

XOXOXO! Love you!

Aug. 15, 2003

I am still seething over the events last night at the bellydance show
I attended. Chinless (apparently also spineless & possibly brainless)
Moo, very pretty but apparently dumb-as-a-stick (and maybe non-
English-speaking) Duh, and their two precious adorable offspring
ruined 3/4 of the show for everyone else. Selfish fucking breeders.
Oh, the daughters were cute enough, about 3 and 6, wearing matching
little patriotic sundresses, hair in ringlets, cyoot button noses,
the works. (I am reminded of the adage that even the Devil can take a
pleasing form if it suits his purposes....)
So, a few minutes into the 2nd dancer's performance, these assholes
show up, and immediately start scraping chairs across the ground,
arranging things to suit their breederness, while the oldest whines
and screeches various questions and comments: "What's he
holding? /What's she wearing? /*heehehee*--look at her tummy!" ad
nauseam.

Then the younger one starts screeching wordlessly, so Moo gets baby
on her lap and starts holding the baby's hands, waving them in time
to the music, punching me in the arm on every beat. After about 3
blows, I got out of my chair, moved it away, and re-seated myself.
Moo had the grace to mutter 'sorry' at me at that point. Stupid
bitch. Then the oldest gets started again: "Which one is teacher?
Where's teacher?" bla bla.

Then the youngest is "huuuunnngreeeeee!" So they give her something
which she proceeds to eat with her hands, then of course starts
dancing near Moo's legs, and wiping her slimy little paws on my
pants. More than once. Finally, I made vague 'shoo-ing' motions at
her, which seemed effective.

Oldest finally fucked off, to go play with the 3 young bellydance
students in the audience. Apparently, the girls were friendly enough
to give her a coin belt to wear, and they were having a fine old
time.

The second half begins, the oldest pipes up with "I ALREADY saw HER
dance!" Half the audience laughs, the other half 'shushes' her. The
youngest keeps running onto the rug where the dancers are performing.
I was waiting for one of the dancers to kick her in the head, but it
didn't happen. Moo kept rescuing her in the nick of time. Never heard
her say NO to this kid, she just smiled and grabbed her off the rug.
They were both acting like it was some kind of cute 'chase' game.
WTF!? Would they act like this if this were an indoor performance,
and pwecious babygirl was running onto the damn STAGE?

Then the section of the show I don't really care for begins: the
young (like age 6-10) dancers get up to do short solo dances.
Apparently they've offered to let the older kid with her borrowed
coin belt dance. The first dance student goes out to dance, and the
older brat goes into Nuclear Meltdown mode. I don't know what the
deal was, whether she wanted to go first, or whether she didn't want
to dance after all, or what, but CLUELESS damn parents grab her and
take her to the area behind the audience, still well within hearing
range, while she literally ROARS, screams, and hits and kicks her
parents for a good 5 minutes. Then they take her out to the parking
lot, where, due to my exceptional hearing, I can *still* hear her
screaming. Finally FINALLY, they fucking left (not bothering to
return the borrowed coin belt, of course. There goes somebody's $50
dance accessory),

I have an inspiration from all of this: "Discipline On Call". If
parents are too 'nice' (read: 'useless') to beat their own children,
they can fuckin call me. And then maybe we'll finally get some good
use out of those ridiculous assholes we occasionally meet in public
who tell their kids shit like "If you don't behave, that mean lady is
going to spank you"...make that shit TRUE. And then Moo and Duh can
still be the kiddies Bestest Fwiends, at least until kiddie is old
enough to understand who the real bad guy is in this situation.

There were a couple of nice things yesterday evening: at the
intermission, Z Helene said hello & was nice to me, even though I was
giving out major "Get the Fuck Away From Me/ I'm Invisible" vibes due
to the hideous brats. That speaks majorly of her graciousness. (she
*did* ask if she knew me, and I was all hurt & offended as usual when
someone wonderful doesn't remember boring old dumpy invisible me, but
what can I expect? I was putting out 'invisible' vibes!) And at the
end, when I was totally frazzled & saying my goodbyes to S. (Never
thought I'd envy someone their deafness!), Valeda invited me to come
up and dance at the 'end of show jam' they do. Very sweet of her.
She is a beautiful person, inside & out.

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Entries tagged with rudeness

last night

a Vaguebooking trend I've noticed, and it's annoying me.

The lightbulb moment.

FWIW

Wow..and I thought I did poly wrong!

a very belated lightbulb

THIS. So much this.

yeah, I still have a long way to grow...

Well, Hell.

Being a person I can respect

An amazing quote

My last girls nite for awhile

3529unbelievable

3510email w/Crash. Kathleen being TACKY.

Musings on the nature of friendship

2999the HBB hunter

2658rudeness

1575 Hurting Pace's feelings.

EJ entries Aug. 19, 2003