evile

11/22

Last night the instructor (Alan?) was talking with one of the
students (Jessica? Angelica? ??) apparently they were commisserating
over recent breakups with their respective SOs. Alan said his ex was
very possessive and he was looking forward to having a life again.

It was a good class. Ab drills went much better than in the past. We
did kicks & some low punches. I was complimented on my flexibility :)
I talked w/the instructor about yoga a bit after class. That was cool.

[Cousin B] was distant and uncommunicative. I think probably stoned when I
got him, and coming down/tired after class. boring. Apparently there
is no guilt or bad feeling, so 'wierd' did not mean 'regret'. So
that's good.
Hopefully things will get back to normal soon.

When I woke up this morning, I was dreaming about Margaret Cho, she
had given birth to 2 ligers and was with them in their exhibit in a
zoo or disney or someplace. Something about teps. "I just wanna fly"
was the song playing in my head when I woke up.

 

evile: Hey :) How was your weekend?
skye_dsDS: it was a combination of sleep on couch with heating pad in
one place and ice on forehead
skye_dsDS: and adult activity
evile: *nod*
skye_dsDS: saw Harry Potter Friday night, that was good
evile: cool
skye_dsDS: Seasha decided we are moving horses next weekend
skye_dsDS: that's ok, because I felt like crap this weekend anyway
skye_dsDS: what did you end up doing? (I haven't read lj yet)
evile: Nothing much. Went to Ararat Saturday night with Niki, because
the email said Z helene would be there, and instead it was the act
they'd billed as their Friday entertainment. Still good,but not what
I expected.
evile: did some house cleaning and some cooking and some laundry.
Krav on Saturday. Nothing really much.
skye_dsDS: I actually thought about heading into town for that Saturday
night...right before I passed out again :-/
evile: there weren't many folks in the audience, and it was cold out.
So if you were already feeling well, probably best that you didn't
risk a cold on top of everything else.
skye_dsDS: wishing for men looks good
skye_dsDS: everyonce in a while I play my "perfect harem" in my head
evile: *nod*
skye_dsDS: I had it in mind a few days ago and was thinking about
posting and then I thought, nah, but now I want to again lol I'm a
lemming
evile: heh.
evile: I like google searching for prettyness.
skye_dsDS: man did I complicate my friends list
evile: all the communities, you mean?
skye_dsDS: <sheepish>
evile: there's a way to only read individuals rather than groups, but
I don't know how its done.
skye_dsDS: you tell it you don't want the community on your friends list
when you join it
evile: aha. OK.
skye_dsDS: it's actually easier for me to have them all on friends so I
can keep up with them all
skye_dsDS: just makes daily reading so much longer
evile: *nod*
evile: I found an ex's LJ this a.m. That made me feel a bit icky.
evile: apparently he's recently married & is going to law school.
skye_dsDS: I have decided that I don't care who tells me what anymore
evile: OK.
skye_dsDS: that last rant is my final rant
skye_dsDS: I told you about finding Randy's picture online right?
skye_dsDS: it's just weird the way things come at you from out of nowhere
evile: I always have to question the motives of people who tell
me 'so and so is saying such and such about you'
evile: Are they my friends, do they care? or do they just want to see
how upset they can get me, and see if I'll go entertainingly
ballistic.
evile: Apparently, I 'over react' 'all the time' to 'everything'. so
I'd guess mostly people tell me shit to watch me freak out
skye_dsDS: have you managed to find happiness that ex is going to law
school and hope he's happily married?
evile: *shrug* mostly feel like I dodged a bullet. friggin nazi
yuppie prick
evile: Glad I am not his perfect hostess trophy woman baby-factory
skye_dsDS: nods
skye_dsDS: I probably told you how I felt when I came across Randy
unexpectedly
skye_dsDS: I was doing work research of all things
evile: *nod*
skye_dsDS: my first t hought was, I'm glad he's doing what he always
wanted to do, a nd I hope he's happy finally
skye_dsDS: my second thought, which was completely childish I know, was -
- omfg, I'm fat, but he's fugly, and I'm on a diet.
evile: truthfully, I'm surprised my ex got married to a woman. I
always expected him to turn out gay.
skye_dsDS: I had a gay boyfriend once. I didn't know until a month into
the relationship that he was gay. And not because he told me, but
because someon e who didn't know we were dating told me.
skye_dsDS: and HE initiated the relationship, go figure.
skye_dsDS: it got very weird from there (long story, some other time
maybe)
evile: *nod*
evile: In retrospect, I wish I'd discovered my Fag Hag nature earlier
in life and skipped more of the hetero social scene.
evile: gay boys are better dancers, more entertaining
conversationalists, and go to better bars than straight boys.
evile: Gay boys like cleavage and curves.
evile: gay boys are fantastically good for my ego.
skye_dsDS: only problem being, then who do you sleep with
evile: whereas 80% of my straight experiences left me feeling
humiliated, ugly, confused, and stupid.
evile: up till a couple months ago, I was never very interested in
sex.
evile: put out because it's expected and I don't want to go thru the
trouble of cultivating yet another hetero relationship rather than
any desire for intercourse.
evile: "If 10 minutes of squishy noises every once in a while will
keep the person talking to me and spending time with me, well, OK
then. I can put up with that."
evile: These days I am more into it...but it still wouldn't be the
end all/be all of a relationship, were I searching for a new one.
evile: I have the Blowfish Catalog after all. :P
evile: Nikiyoy and I were talking about NRE on Saturday; I kind of miss
it, but it really wasn't worth the rest of the hassle.
skye_dsDS: I haven't had it in a long time now and truthfully I don't
miss it
skye_dsDS: this weekend/week = 3d anniversary with sonar0m, and of course
like going on 14 with sineater
evile: *nod*
skye_dsDS: something that saddens me besides demonization in general
skye_dsDS: and trying not to demonize is why I have limited my rants
because I think there is a fine line between ranting and demonizing
skye_dsDS: although I have no desire to call names, just to state facts
skye_dsDS: but anyway, in addition to demonization in general
skye_dsDS: this tendency to say, the whole relationship was a mistake
skye_dsDS: I mean, wtf is that?
skye_dsDS: how can people go through life saying everything they did
before they were doing what they're doing now, was a series of
mistakes?
skye_dsDS: (be that work or love or whatever kind of relationship)
skye_dsDS: I mean, I don't think they mean to, but that's admitting to
some pretty serious stupidity on their own parts
skye_dsDS: to go through life making nothing but a series of one mistake
after another
evile: *shrug* I feel that way, but I don't blame anybody but my owns
tupid self.
skye_dsDS: do you forget everything good that happened?
skye_dsDS: do you just rewrite history altogether?
skye_dsDS: this is as distasteful to me jsut about as Revisionists who
want to say the Holocaust didn't happen
evile: *shrug* No idea.
skye_dsDS: if there was never anything good about a job or a person in
the first place
skye_dsDS: then how stupid is it to have accepted that job or that
person in the first place
skye_dsDS: something had to have been good about it, or why would you
have gone there to begin with?
evile: My rationale is that I cant' find/do/make anything better, so
might as well settle and hone those powers of denial, kill time until
time kills me.
evile: "it could always be worse" is basically my philosophy of life.
skye_dsDS: that is true, and a perfectly good philosophy to have
evile: I've fucked up and done stupid things, but I could have
fucked up much worse and done a lot more stupid things.
evile: Seems that Kaleon's made a new beginning and ought to have
better things to focus his energy on. Oh well. I know YOU certainly
do.
skye_dsDS: I don't consider him to be a msitake
skye_dsDS: tha tcould just be personal vanity on my part
skye_dsDS: but I don't consider any of my past relationships to be
mistakes
evile: *nod* AFOG and allathat.
skye_dsDS: I don't consider any of my past jobs to be mistakes from the
get go
skye_dsDS: or, the ones that were, were my fault, because I knew better
or should have
skye_dsDS: what is AFOG?
evile: "Another Fucking Opportunity (for) Growth"
skye_dsDS: oh! I've never heard that before
skye_dsDS: I like lesson. I'm lazy, it's just one word.
skye_dsDS: he may think he's made a new beginning, but until he learns
from his history, he's just going to keep repeating it over and over.
skye_dsDS: but regardless, I'm done.
evile: *nod*
skye_dsDS: he has so far rewritten our history that I don't believe he
even remembers the facts anymore
skye_dsDS: some people tell lies over and over until they believe them
skye_dsDS: as opposed to people who tell lies and believe them the
instant they pass the lips
skye_dsDS: whichever, whatever, regardless, I hope he cherishes his
temporary happiness, because in the entire time I've known him, he's
never been happy except temporarily
skye_dsDS: and he has yet to figure out why
evile: Well, he's out of your life, and out of your sphere of mutual
friends, so whatever he does or says...not really your problem
anymore. SAd that he needs to say that and believe it, sadder that
people seem to enjoy hearing that kind of stuff from him and
relationships thrive on that sort of 'poor me' crap.
evile: I have a couple of guy friends who had their whole 'evil woman
what done me wrong' story and bla bla, it was not very interesting
after a short while.
skye_dsDS: only people he's going to attract with bile are bilious people
evile: And when my friend Andrew tried to tell me I was 'just like'
the big heinous evil ex, it pissed me off and broke my heart almost
simultaneously. In hindsight, it was the only kind of relationship he
could understand, so that's why he was trying to force me to be Her,
but I didn't realize it at th e time.
skye_dsDS: that's identifying behavior(s) with a person, and I heartily
disagree with that
skye_dsDS: persons can share behaviors
evile: *nod*
skye_dsDS: does NOT make them the same people
skye_dsDS: what I prefer to say is, you know, so and so used to behave
that way, and it saddened me then, and it saddens me now
evile: yup. But with some folks, in the same way that diamondbacks
and coral snakes aren't the same, once you identify the 'venomous
snake' thing, you don't really want to go much further in exploring
their glorious differences.
skye_dsDS: I really don't understand women who are sexually aroused by a
man spewing venom and bile. I really don't get that. Outside of
Kaleon I have NEVER gotten that.
skye_dsDS: it's like...physical abuse, for that matter.
skye_dsDS: what makes them think, if he hit someone else, he won't hit
her?
skye_dsDS: or if he spews venom and bile about someone else, it won't
happen with her?
skye_dsDS: what makes t hem think that they're "special"?
evile: *shrug* I've read and researched abusive relationships quite
a big, and I can't tell you why.
skye_dsDS: I don't understand men quite a bit. I don't understand women
more than I don't understand men. I think, I don't understand
people, in general.
evile: yup
skye_dsDS: I don't know what people (Xtal & Kaleon fer instance, but more
generally as well) don't get about this
skye_dsDS: no, we do not want to know anything else about them
skye_dsDS: not their successes, not their failures, nothing
evile: yup
skye_dsDS: it is not entertaining. don't want to wish them happiness,
don't want to gloat when they fall, just don't. don't want them to
go away mad, just to go away. period.
evile: yup. It still creeps me out no end that Xtal came to my house
and put a note on my door....at least you don't have to worry about
that with Kaleon.
skye_dsDS: hopefully
skye_dsDS: he still sends his little minions out to harangue me
skye_dsDS: and it has been suggested to me that I stop posting details
about where I'm going to be and when on my LJ
skye_dsDS: but that's one of the primary reasons I HAVE an LJ, originally
evile: well, and you have enough property to where you could
definitely justify shooting someone who came all the way off the main
road & on to your property & up to your house.
skye_dsDS: damn straight
evile: I keep all my 'where I'm going/what I'm doing' under friends-
lock.
skye_dsDS: I don't think he'd be stupid enough to show up at the ranch.
skye_dsDS: more likely to show up somewhere socially and then accuse me
of following HIM there
evile: There's stilla chance that if I say I''m going to be out of
town, someone will come by and rob or vandalize, but at least I've
got a narrower list of suspects if that happens.
skye_dsDS: that's very true. and much more chance that Xtal & Co would
do that kind of activity.
skye_dsDS: Kaleon I think is more likely to show up somewhere he knows I
am, to stalk me, and then turn it around and say I was stalking him
evile: At this point, he's been gone long enough that I don't think
there's anyone at GWNN or poly who would remember him, so if he tried
to pull some kind of 'I was here first, why are you following me'
there, he'd get laughed at (and that's the BeST possible outcome)
skye_dsDS: showing up at the ranch would n ot create public drama, and
would just get him shot
evile: *nod*
skye_dsDS: by us or by the Sheriff. That's the Sheriff's response to
everything. "Wanna shootem r want me 2?"
evile: I told [Cousin B] I was done with being tactful; if he brings home an
abusive psycho, I'm just gonna shoot the bitch and bury her in an
unmarked grave.
skye_dsDS: I'm tired of censoring myself
skye_dsDS: my journal dammit and I'm going to say what I want to say.
evile: *nod*
skye_dsDS: I use cuts more than judiciously, nobody has to read it if
they don't want to
evile: exactly.
skye_dsDS: I"m not going to worry about what pointyhead is translating
what I say into whatever else
skye_dsDS: and if pointyheads want to show up where I"m at, well, that's
been done before
skye_dsDS: it didn't turn out well
skye_dsDS: last person who did it got bitten and nearly kicked by two
horses and nearly physically thrown out by the entire camp of
equestrians
evile: *nod*
skye_dsDS: I love, I am loved, thereby rendering public attacks on me
pointless and stupid
evile: *nod*
evile: The people who know you and love you are not going to be
persuaded by the people who don't...so don't give the jerks your time
and energy.
evile: Do you rown thing, spend time with the people whose company
you enjoy, who enjoy yours, and dont' worry about people who dont'
have anything better to do than try and rain on your parade. If you
don't give them any response, they'll give up, eventually.
skye_dsDS: don't care whether they give up or not. Although after this
many years, I begin to think they aren't ever going to give up
skye_dsDS: they're pitiful
skye_dsDS: "look, look, I'm happy, look evil bitch, be jealous!
skye_dsDS: whatever
evile: I get very mad at perceived unfairness/injustice/lies/smears
on my character....but really, that just gives the person what they
want. Even if they do upset me, I'm not going to let them see it
anymore.
skye_dsDS: control your character. can't do shit about your reputation.
skye_dsDS: I am much happier now that I know that my reputation hasn't
got squat to do with my character.
skye_dsDS: completely unearned
skye_dsDS: not my fault.
skye_dsDS: see, part of owning your own shit
skye_dsDS: is NOT owning shit that ISN"T yours
evile: *nod*
skye_dsDS: and for the first three decades of my life, I was convinced
that EVERYBODY'S shit was my shit to own
skye_dsDS: I am continually amazed, I guess moreso lately although I
don't know why
skye_dsDS: that people swallow such unadulterated big fucking lies
skye_dsDS: with such ease
skye_dsDS: it's like...don't you need like vaseline or castor oil to
swallow that shit whole? no? wtf?
skye_dsDS: I may be going back into another one of my "people are in
general fucking stupid" phase.
evile: yup
skye_dsDS: I think if I hadn't been holding back that Words Mean Things
rant for so long, it might not have been as bad as it was
skye_dsDS: and i held it back because I was so worried about what other
people were going to think
skye_dsDS: both my friends and those who are not
evile: *nod*
skye_dsDS: so from now on I'm just going to post whatever goes through
my own little mind and anybody who doesn't like it can close their
eyes and not read it
evile: exactly
evile: Meanwhile, I'm re-resolving to make my LJ less about the
existential angst and more about 'hey, lets do stuff together'
skye_dsDS: I see people apologizing for venting angst all the time
skye_dsDS: I would think that venting it in a journal is far better than
venting it anywhere else
skye_dsDS: what does one expect when reading another person's inner
thoughts anyway?
evile: I see it as "if I would not do this to you in person, I'm not
going to inflict it on you in writing" and that's where I"m going to
try and steer from now on.
evile: Venting doesn' t make me feel better, it makes me feel stupid
afterwards. Why keep doing that to myself?
evile: The SBC might stil get angst from time to time...they're
really the only pepole I'd trust in person with that kind of whining,
so I guess they'll continue to get it on LJ.
evile: Whining and bitching does not win friends and influence
people, nor does complaining about how alone I am motivate people to
do things with me. AND it doesnt' make me feel better. SO, it needs
to stop.
skye_dsDS: if it doesn't make you feel better, I completely agree.
evile: yup
evile: holy crap.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/whitewillows/208431.html
skye_dsDS: somebody finally gets it enough to write about it. good.
evile: probably not enough legal precedent for me to sue and retire
with millions, though. Oh well. it's rather validating to have a name
for what happens to me here.
skye_dsDS: nods
skye_dsDS: just what I needed, a new playtoy (sparkly graphix)
evile: heh.
skye_dsDS: LJ is slow today
skye_dsDS: probably everybody playing with sparklies LOL
evile: They're moving servers
evile: It was slow all weekend.
skye_dsDS: get to go to the courthouse to file a suit, woo
skye_dsDS: <less than enthused
evile: yeah....
evile: Know what you mean about the holidays...this year, though,
they're not going to be so bad.
skye_dsDS: you have always had better sense about how to avoid what you
don't like
skye_dsDS: off to courthouse, bbiab *sigh*
evile: I don't have to avoid anything. Nothing's happening :)
Have a nice trip :)

11/19

LJ entry:

I got 12 hours or so of sleep last night.

I dreamt about toobin' with my mom, sister, and cousin. In Glacier
park, I think, because there were thermal pools and geysers and stuff.
I had my pimp tube [foreground of photo]. We had a cabin right on the
river and we were going to walk upstream for an hour or so and then
float back down to the cabin. It seemed like a positive dream.

I went to Target since I was up early-ish, for a Saturday. I got the
Jones Soda Thanksgiving pack. It comes with a spork, a wet-wipe and a
wine list (I'm sure that drinking all that wine would definitely
improve any holiday feast). That will be fun to try on Thanksgiving, I
think. I also got cleaning supplies, on the theory that having new
stuff to clean with will encourage me to actually...Oh, I dunno, CLEAN.

Then I headed up to my aunt and uncle's house to get [info]fuck_puppy
for Core I class at noon. I was stopped by a cop and got a ticket. I
can't tell from the fee schedule what I owe. I guess I'll call them. I
am sort of tempted to fight it; I was accellerating to get on the damn
freeway when the pig clocked me, and then I was decelerating as I got
off, was already down to 60 (in a 55) when he started flashing his
lights. asshole.

So, then I went to class. I really sucked in class today. I was weak
and clumsy and almost cried several times. My balance was nonexistent,
my strength was not much better, and I had a piss poor attitude
towards the instructor every time he tried to help me. I felt like
shit. I don't know what the fuck was wrong with me. I'm angry and sad
and just...yuck. I don't blame anyone for not wanting to be around me.
Fuck, I don't want to be around mySELF.

I just feel all my poor choices in life and all my fuckups and all my
laziness that has led me to this house, this job, this body, this
life, just closing in on me. I feel fucking trapped. I hate it. I hate
myself.

I'm sorry. Y'all don't deserve my crap.

=============================================

Jones Soda selections this year:

Flavors: Brussels Sprout with Prosciutto, Cranberry Sauce, Turkey &
Gravy, Wild Herb Stuffing, and Pumpkin Pie.
Also included: Serving spoon, moistened towelette, and wine list.

Wine list:

Newton Pinot Noir Vintage 2000

Haywood Estate Morning Sun Zinfandel Vintage 1997

Columbia Crest Chardonnay Vintage 1999

Fonseca LBV Vintage1995

Might be fun to try and find some of those. Gotta find something less
nasty than Muskrat.
 

 

Will my dust catch someone's eye?
athea wrote,

@ 2005-09-19 05:51:00

reminding myself

There is no such thing as being "meant" for each other. No magic.
Romantic love is a faulty illusion.
It simply cannot be sustained continuously.
We go through periods of what we think love is.
We feel warm and fuzzy.
We are sure that everything will work out in the end.
The reality of love leaves many people confused.. disappointed.
It is two separate, fighting, kicking people trying to join their
lives together..
Not only do you have the constant turmoil between differing internal
aspects and desires, but now they are complicated by the addition of
the wants and needs of another. More importantly, now your wants and
needs compete directly with what you want and need _from_ your other.
This balancing act can be tiresome.
The driving force behind a sustainable loving relationship is submission.
You have to submit many desires for the few needs you have.
Finding the difference between what you want and what you need is a
never ending lesson.
We are growing daily into who we are.
If we are to commit to a relationship with another being, we must be
willing to submit ourselves to this commitment.
In order to be willing to submit ourselves, there must be something
more powerful than our own selfishness that can motivate us.
Romantic love alone, does not cut it.
You need to place a high value on companionship, as well as caring
deeply for the wellbeing of your partner with great empathy, in order
to "make things work".
Work... that is what it is.. work.
The evidences of a life well lived are the growing pangs it produces.
We struggle and we learn... the hard way, by making mistakes.
We grow when we are able to put those lessons to good use.
Some people dirty up their relationships and when they becomes too
ugly, they let it color every new interaction they have within that
relationship.. and in doing so they get caught in circular patterns..
no growth, just repetitions of old pains and cycles.
Every interaction, every day, every moment is NEW.
We must treat every second as a second chance.
Submit, refuse to allow your own stubborn nature to hold you in a rut.
We must LIVE with forgiveness, for ourselves and our chosen ones..
allow them their infinite second chance. This is commitment.
It _will_ all work out in the end. The trick is that the end doesn't
matter at all. This moment and the next is what matters. Now is the
time for your second chance. Don't borrow on your life's lessons,
you'll never pay them off. Use them now. Choose it.
----


----
When we are hurt, we cover by responding with anger.
Anger gives us time to reel in our vulnerable parts to prevent further
damage until we no longer feel a threat. We feel strong in our anger
to counteract the weakness we felt from the pain of the assault on our
vulnerabilities which we left unguarded. We assert ourselves to
prevent further damage. Anger puffs up their feathers, they want you
to know that they are too big to swallow.

The fact that someone would kick our tender bellies, which we
entrusted to their care, is liquid betrayal. Whether the harm was due
to inconsideration, misunderstanding, or naivety, it doesn't alter the
reaction or emotions it insighted. Explanation and logic can soothe
the soreness, but it can't undo the injury.
We can run into a big problem when two people are caught in a cycle of
anger. They are both hurt, they want to assert themselves to prevent
more damage, and they feel betrayed by the "abuse" on their
vulnerability. On top of that, now they are afraid. They are afraid
that they will get kicked again the moment they let their guard down.

These reactions are fleeting.. the thing that gets worn down is trust.
We NEED to be able to trust those we love with our vulnerabilities. We
need to know that they wouldn't harm us on purpose or by being
inconsiderate. We seek to inform them of what would and wouldn't do us
harm, in hopes to prevent them from inadvertently hurting us. We try
to be understood. We nearly beg not to be hurt. Please don't hurt me..
here is how you could hurt me, please don't do these things.. I
couldn't take it... and when you give that knowledge to someone, when
you tell them what hurts you most, what you fear.. you are handing
them a knife and saying, "Please, don't stab me.".

That takes trust.. when trust is damaged, we are keenly aware that we
are at the mercy of another. We shared ourselves intimately, in
confidence.. now that confidence is cracked.. there is a crack in the
protection... how can you feel secure, when you're harmed by someone
who wasn't supposed to hurt you. How much more _could_ they hurt you?
You will have to find out. Scary huh?
----

----
Be trustworthy.
Be kind.
Decide who you want to be, and do it.
Decide what you want most, and be willing to sacrifice for it.
The grass is not greener on the other side, and even if it were, it
isn't your grass. Take care of your own grass and make it whatever
color you want.
HAVE FAITH. Worrying for the future prevents enjoyment of now. There
is plenty of time to worry later.
Trust that you are loved.
Acknowledge that we are flailing hurting creatures and forgive your
fellow creatures when their limbs strike out.
Allow people to change, don't try to tie them to who you think they are.

 

evile: nice photos :)
skye_dsDS: tante grazie :)
evile: Nobody came to Mt. Bonnell last night. I'm feeling
irrationally upset and self-hating over it. argh. Hate that crap.
skye_dsDS: don't try to invalidate feeling. just feel it, until you
don't feel it anymore. don't hold on to it, but don't try to push it
away, because that usually doesn't work.
evile: I'm not good at that, at all. It's stupid and I have no right
to feel that way, so I just need to fuckin' QUIT

evile: I hate things that make no sense. HATE them.
skye_dsDS: I know that. Believe me.
skye_dsDS: your logic will be much happier when you quit applying it to
feelings.
evile: ANyhoo...not posting on LJ until I get my head out of my ass,
that's for sure. I am sure people are sick of my pity parties and
my 'look at me, i'm needy' bullshit.
skye_dsDS: I doubt that. <hugs>
skye_dsDS: acknowledge the feeling and that it is feeling, not logic,
and it will be easier to just quit. ymmv.
evile: majorly overreacted to Jinx's posting re: her boyfriend.
skye_dsDS: I thought about responding to that but I doubt I can suggest
anything that hasn't already been tried.
evile: *shrug* I get tired of caring about people who don't care
enough about themselves not to let themselves be mistreated.
evile: need to quit feeling about THAT too.
skye_dsDS: ::gently:: I understand wanting to quit feeling, because
feeling defies logic and is all kinds of inconvenient. but it
doesn't work that way...
skye_dsDS: lol @ people who think I'm a stone cold bitch who doesn't
feel at all.
evile: I just get tired of being the big bag of cunts because I'm the
one who dares to 'attack' The Beloved by saying 'gee, you don't
deserve to be treated so badly, maybe you should do something about
that'
evile: caring just gets me fucking kicked in the fucking teeth, I'm
sick of it, and I don't want to do it anymore. So I need to figure
out how to stop.
skye_dsDS: ...good luck...
evile: yup.
evile: At my age, I've done all of this crap enough times that I
ought to be better at it.
skye_dsDS: I don't remember who said it (it may have been Ayn Rand) but
people do treat you t he way you teach them to treat you
skye_dsDS: and that's all you told her
skye_dsDS: I don't see your advice as b eing any different than the
first commenter's
skye_dsDS: just more brutally frank
evile: I am pretty sure it was another situation where the person
wasn't looking for advice, just blowing off steam, and I stuck my
foot in up to the knee.
evile: need to learn from my mistakes. I never ever do.
skye_dsDS: if they don't want advice they should say so
skye_dsDS: everyone knows this
evile: *shrug* or disable comments. Oh well. like I said, made the
same mistake enough times, I need to learn from it.
evile: The good news is I leave at 3 today because I had phone duty.
And it was relatively untraumatic, except for the fact that my voice
is kinda shot from allergies/congestion/sore throat.
skye_dsDS: Onyxxlynx is very good about saying I'm disabling comments
because I'm just thinking out loud
evile: yup.
skye_dsDS: boy did I complicate my friends list last night
skye_dsDS: I added like a dozen groups
evile: wow. that's a lot of reading.
evile: Yahoo is being insufferably slow today.
skye_dsDS: I have been instructed to figure out how Hugh and I can text
back and forth from yahoo to his cell phone
evile: I'm sure it can be done.
evile: 1 hour to go. Seriously tempted to take a sick day tomorrow.
I'm just exhausted. Didn't sleep well last night. Allergies don't
help.
skye_dsDS: allergies constitute sick
skye_dsDS: I've run in to a couple of HORRIBLE guys who /thought/ they
were Dom; but any man who can't control himself nor his emotions and
business DAMN SURE can't control me, nor does he deserve to be called
Master. Masterbator is more apropos.
evile: What brought that on?
skye_dsDS: something I read in a comment in a community. just struck me
as true.
evile: aha
skye_dsDS: and I thought you would understand too, about Domly Doms and
all that
evile: yup. I want to do the SAADE training, but I just don't have
the time they require. It's a great program...I really want to.
evile: I guess the BDSM world is just as prone to the geek social
fallacy type stuff as any other subculture of misfits.
skye_dsDS: nods
evile: Unfo in the BDSM world, unlike D&D or wherever, you fuck up
and you can REALLY hurt people.
skye_dsDS: yes
skye_dsDS: you should see the whole thread that comment was to
evile: I'm sure it would just depress me or make me mad, in the state
of mind I'm in today.
skye_dsDS: probably
skye_dsDS: suffice it to say it more than eloquently proves your last
point
evile: sad.
evile: well, I'm headed out. I might take a sick day tomorrow, so see
ya....whenever.

 

Jason (jason_poel) wrote,
@ 2005-11-15 15:25:00




There is pain in life. You can't be alive without feeling some kind
of pain. There are a number of movie quotes that point out how pain
is often a good sign. Because "it means you're still alive." Most
people wonder why there is so much pain in the world. They try to
look for a cause, something to blame the pain on. As if the existance
of pain in the world is a malfunction, a glitch, an inherent error in
the design of the world. They think that if the world were perfect,
there would be no pain. When people ask "why", they are too often
looking for a scape goat to throw their anger at. What they need to
be think about more often is, "what purpose does it serve?" Pain
serves a purpose. Its existance in the world is not a flaw. It was
designed into life for a reason. And when you see pain, or death, try
to remember how good it is that there ever was joy, and life. Because
a life with pain is better than if there was never life at all. Of
course not all the pain in the world is neccessary. A great deal of
it is the result of other people being selfish and self-centered.But
that is a whole nother topic.

Oh, by the way. This has absolutely nothing to do with anything going
on in my life right now. It is just an idea that I had while watching
tv.

 

laspartytalk
created by la-the-sage
read other people's answers


description: These are some of the questions I ask people at parties.
Good conversation starters and a sure fire way of getting rid of
unimaginative bores.

Here are eekyfreeky's answers:

1. Horses, noble steeds of tradition or outmoded indulgences of the
rich? (all)
How about C: Phallic substitutes for little girls who are afraid of
human males.
2. What's at the top of your Christmas tree? (all)
No tree. If we had one: a beer can.
3. Ever sent a message in a bottle? Was it answered? (all)
I'm sure I did, I was a stupid kid. No answer that I can recall,
however.
4. If you died right now, what of yours would you hate for your
survivors to find? (all)
Oh...where to begin? My yahoo group that is actually my poisonous
book. My 'Observer'. All the dust & dirt and animal fur I have never
bothered to clean out from behind various objects in the house. Some
high school love letters I've saved for no good reason.
5. Free plane ticket, where are you going? (all)
Cozumel.
6. Want to tango? (all)
Heavens no.
7. Favorite movie monster? (all)
Dracula, of course.
8. Got any tattoos? (all)
Yup. (black bat over a blue heart, right hip)
9. Ever cut your own hair? Did you want to kill yourself afterwards?
(all)
Yes. No.
10. Got a favorite kind of apple? (all)
Gala.
11. Are you wearing underwear? Can I see? (all)
yes. No.
12. What's the first album you bought? (all)
Umm...Styx, I think. The one with "Mr. Roboto" on it.
13. When's the last time you had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?
(all)
A few weeks ago. I bought the most worthless nutritionally void grape
jelly I could find and boy, was it great.
14. What's the state capital of Vermont? (all)
Bongwatertown?
15. Know any magic tricks? (all)
I can tie a knot in a cherry stem with my tongue, does that count?

eekyfreeky's comment on this survey: So when's your next party, and
do I get to come, or will I bore everyone to death?

 

queries
created by sidewaysrain



description: feel free to add color commentary to any of your
answers...

Here are eekyfreeky's answers:

1. What is your dream job? (all)
Running my own shop full of wierd, funky, handmade stuff. My shop,
incidentally, would be a restored Victorian gingerbread mansion. With
a big sunroom/workroom added to the back.
2. favorite animal? (all)
Hedgehogs.
3. What do you do when you're stressed? (all)
Sleep.
4. favorite all time beverage? (all)
Coffee.
5. favorite natural place? (all)
Enchanted Rock
6. favorite man-made place? (all)
New Orleans
7. what makes you keep a diaryland diary? (all)
pure narcissism
8. do you prefer to be alone or with people? why? (all)
alone. People suck.
9. if you could go anywhere... where? (all)
Chenonceau, France.
10. so how the heck are you anyway? (all)
Tired and bored, but thanks for asking.
11. favorite saying? (all)
...? "shit happens"? I dunno.
12. all I wanna do is: (all)
sleep!!!
13. bedtime for me means: (all)
9:30 or 10 pm: curl up in bed with a book, read for half an hour or
an hour,then turn off the lights and conk out.
14. your ideal dinner would be where? And what would you have? (all)
Japan, in one of those really elaborate tea house places, where
everything is seasonal, super-fresh, and wierd.
15. Sunrise or sunset? (all)
Sunset
16. Where do you stand in birth order in your family? (all)
Oldest.
17. How did that affect you? (all)
I'm bossy and independent, I don't care much for authority, I tend to
take leadership roles when I'm forced into group situations.
18. if you had an elephant, what would you call it? (all)
Squeaky
19. who is your best friend? (all)
my Sweetie. best non-sexual friend? My friend J-Law.
20. what product can you not live without? (all)
Toothpaste.
21. What comes to mind when you think of family dinners? (all)
drinking and saying gross stuff that makes my stepdad leave the
table...
22. does cheese really make everything better? (all)
absolutely!
23. if you won a million dollars, what is the first thing you would
buy? (all)
shoes, probably.
24. if you had to be a superhero, who would you be? (all)
Rogue, from the X men.
25. What would you use your powers for? (all)
I'd probably be evil, go around touching people to absorb their
personalities/lives and find out everything about them.
26. favorite timewaster? (all)
surfin' the internet.
27. tabasco and vodka. Good idea or bad idea? (all)
Sounds interesting, will try.
28. if I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against
me? (all)
*laugh* That's a better pick up line than the ones I've gotten in RL.
Guys say things like "I like plain girls" and "wow, you look as bad
as I feel" to try and get in my pants. :(
29. A box of jelly bellies is before you. You choose: (all)
buttered popcorn flavor
30. describe your favorite photograph -- of yourself, someone else, a
place (all)
me: I'm 6 years old, laying on my tummy on my grandmother's bed, hair
in two pony tails, writing in a notebook and smiling at the camera.
place: an aerial shot of Chenonceau as seen from a hot air balloon

eekyfreeky's comment on this survey: blee!

 

issues
created by jadedsoul49


description: Just some random questions about other people's opinions
on things.

Here are eekyfreeky's answers:

1. How old are you? (all)
32
2. What has been your greatest accomplishment thus far? (all)
Not much accomplished so far. I'm still alive, but that's about it.
3. What do you see yourself doing in 10 years? (all)
gah. What a horrible thought.
4. If you are single, would you ever marry someone outside of your
race? (all)
not single. But I have had my wicked way with everything but a
redheaded asian, so, I don't think it would be a problem to marry
outside 'my race'. Whatever that may be.
5. What do you think about mentally-ill people who bear children?
(all)
I think if you bear children, that automatically qualifies you as
mentally ill :) I kid!!! Seriously...if you can't take care of
yourself, you probably shouldn't be having kids.
6. If you are single, do you use protection <i>every</i> time you
have sex? (all)
not single.
7. If you are married or in a committed relationship, have you ever
contemplated cheating on your spouse/significant other? (all)
oh, sure.
8. What do you think about the US providing aid to less fortunate
countries? Do you think we should just be taking care of our own?
(all)
Bandaids on a sucking chest wound, baybee. And we definitely have
domestic problems we could work on. US is a classic codependent:
focus and fuss about other peoples problems so you don't have to
examine the parts of your own existence that are problematic.
9. If you have children, do you believe it's wrong to spank them? If
you don't have children but might someday, would you spank your
children? (all)
I am childfree and plan on continuing to be that way. I disapprove of
people beating/yelling at/abusing their children in public. Maybe
there is a time and place for a spanking, but it's absolutely not an
issue for me, personally.
10. Are you for or against gay people adopting children? What about
lesbians who are artificially inseminated? Or gays who have children
from previous heterosexual relationships? (all)
I don't see why anyone would want to complicate an already
complicated situation with kids, but if they have a stable home life
and are financially/emotionally capable of taking care of a child,
why not? It might go a long way to making sure every child is a
wanted one.
11. If you lived in a neighborhood that had a sudden influx of a
certain minority group, would you move? Would you want to move? (all)
? probably not.
12. Have you ever attempted suicide? Wanted to? (all)
I think about it quite often, but find ways to trick myself into
staying alive one more day, one more month, one more year.
13. Ever shoplifted? If so, what did you steal? (all)
gum. nail polish. lipgloss. earrings. stupid little crap. Didn't get
caught, but ended up giving the stuff away because I felt guilty and
didn't want to look at it anymore.
14. Ever fake an orgasm? If so, do you do this regularly? (all)
sure. No.
15. Do you want this survey to end already? Do you think I'm being
nosey? (all)
nah.
16. Do you plan on checking out my diary to see what kind of bored,
freaky twit is asking you these questions? (all)
maybe...