evile

I flew up on Thursday  18th with my aunt L. We stayed with my sister H & her family in Bloomington Thursday night and Friday night. Friday we drove to Cincinnati OH and picked up a 26' RV and stopped at a place called Jungle Jim's. It was CRAZY. They gave you a map as you walked in. And you needed it. It was too big, my brain just kinda shut down. They had literally everything. Including ground camel meat and 27 kinds of butter from about 5 different countries. And I think maybe the worlds largest cheese? My brother in law and niece came with us to pick up the RV and then BIL & Niece followed us back in the car while H drove the RV and my aunt L. rode. 

We picked up my mom Saturday morning from her piss smelling old folks warehouse in Greencastle, IN. We packed up her room and wheeled her on outta there. She had been practicing in Phsical Therapy for Stairs so we got her up into the RV without too much trouble. She slept in the queen size bed at the back of the RV for most of the trip. H. wanted her to sit up in the seats and look out the window and engage with the trip but mom just doesn't have that capability anymore. I had been thinking Aunt L. would be chatting with her and keeping her company but that didn't really happen. I think aunt L was bored and uncomfortable most of the trip.

We got used to driving the monster mobile pretty quick, and it had a good sized engine so it got along pretty well on the highway. Driving itself was easy and comfortable. There was a LOT of road noise, driver and passenger could barely hear each other, couldn't hear anything goin on in the living area of the RV at all.  Neice mostly stayed in the bed area above the driver/passenger area, and aunt L mostly stayed at the table, but occasionally would sit in the seat behind the passenger seat and try to talk to us. It was just too loud for much conversation.   The radio seemed to only have speakers in the cab and none in the back so we weren't able to play mom's music for her or anything like that.

Our first stop was supposed to be at Lake Catherine state park in Hot Springs, AR, but we had made a late start so by the time we were getting close, it was getting dark. H. and aunt L. talked it over while I was driving and decided to stay overnight at a Mariott in Little Rock instead.  There was a lot of construction and I drove in the dark which I don't do in regular life much anymore --between the astigmatism and the growing cataract it just doesn't feel safe...but it had to be done and I did it, and we didn't wreck or die. I even did a decent job parking in their parking lot.   I had looked up Lake Catherine SP online earlier in the trip and I had been looking forward to it. It's about at the halfway point between IN and TX family and has horseback riding you can reserve so  maybe we'll plan a family meetup/ vacay sometime. 

Next morning, we had breakfast in the hotel and got on the road. No stops except for gas. Got to Cedar Breaks around 5pm, got our hookups done in good daylight, no problems. Ate sandwiches and fruit and whatever was in the RV fridge for dinner. Did a little walking around. It's a pretty park. If I liked camping and/or had an RV I'd go out there and camp regularly. Apparently there's a big walking trail too, but we didn't go. We saw deer and lots of birds, a few fish in the water. It was green but clear near the fishing pier.  

Monday, Thax and my brother A drove up to the park and met us at our campsite. They brought Taco Cabana and we had a picnic lunch. Then H and aunt L and brother A. took the RV with mom's stuff in it to the care home and  Thax and I and mom and our niece went to Pecan Creek Ranch for 'horse therapy' or something. (My sister H. h ad set it up in advance) our appointment was at 2 and I had been worried that it would be too hot but it's been rainy and cool in TX for the last week or so, so it was fine. We got there, mom petted the horse for a few minutes, and then she wanted to leave, so we put her back in the car and stopped at Whataburger.  I was pretty disappointed with the 'horse therapy'...we had an appointment, they should  have been expecting u s, but they acted like our presence was a surprise and an imposition. They informed us that m ost of the horses were up the hill under the trees, or something like that, and there was only one who had been in a stall, they only let her head out of the stall for mom to pet at first and we had to request that she be let out the rest of the way. They just didnt' seem to know what they were doing at all. Had no prepared 'patter' about how their program, or how to behave around horses, how to pet them, where to pet them, nothing. It was super bizarre. Hard to believe they are a professional organization that does horse therapy for disabled people. Oh, and no wheelchair accessibility to the barn, mom had to get out and stand on gravel and then we had to manhandle her wheelchair thru the gravel into the barn. She would not have been able to manouver her walker at all.  It was bullshit. Fucking horse people. Bullshitters one and all. What a scam.  

Anyway, Whataburger was good. Mom had  bacon and cheese whataburger and a latte shake, finished the whole burger and most of the shake, and then we drove to her new place. It rained on us on and off through all of this.

We kept mom company in the living room of the home while Holly and the others unpacked her stuff and got it squared away in the room. At one point some 'head nurse' came over and started asking questions. she asked mom if she  knew her name and birthday. I've learned that you have to ask mom one question at a time. Mom just repeated 'birthday' and seemed distressed. Then the nurse was asking me questions about mom's meds and her physical condition and I kept referring her to Holly because I have been in TX this whole time and I have no idea, and the nurse seemed really irritated with me...I don't know if she ever went to talk to Holly or not. seems like the new care team could h ave or should have been in contact with the previous doctors and hopsice workers if they really wanted good information. I didn't want to give her bad information so I didnt' want to answer her questions and she acted like I was stonewalling her... I didnt' think much of her.

Anyway....H. sent me and Thax home to rest and relax (because I was annoying her and being unhelpful, I"m sure, and also because there were just too many people in the room) and she, brother A, aunt L and u ncle B continued to work on the room.

We (Me, sister H, brother A, Thax, Niece) went to fancy supper Wednesday night at perry's steak house in the domain. Loud and crowded, hot and over priced. It wasn't terrible, many of the things were quite good (yes the famous pork chop lives up to the hype) but honestly I have gotten a bit spoiled by cooking at home since the pandemic and I am a damned good cook.  And my neice was somewhat mortified by our sharing tastes with each other and stuff. I mean, she's 15. Everything your parents do (especially your mom) at that age is absolutely mortifying and excruciating.

H. left for home yesterday. Niece will be here til Sunday. We are going out for dinner tonight with everyone to Arpeggio, one of our favorite places.  Not sure what we are doing tomorrow.

I needed my sister's signature on some of my death prep paperwork but couldn't make it happen, I guess i"ll have to mail it to her and have her sign and notarize her signature and then do the rest of the  wittnesses and signatures and notarizing here.

H. worked so hard to plan and make everything happen and it all went very smoothly. I didn't want to add to her tasks by trying to set up a date/time  "in stone" before we got here and got mom settled and everything. I wanted to let her have some breathing room and time to relax and decompress. But of course that means I didn't get my needs met. What the fuck else is new? codependent martyr resentment alert woop woop .   ugggh I disgust myself.  And I feel selfish and horrible because H worked so hard and I just did a little bit of driving and here I am making everyfucking thing about me and my stupid ass. gross. I really am an awful person.

Anyhoo. I had been going back and forth with a temp agency for a job I did an inperson interview for....they kept sending me either a blank employee aggreement or one that said my pay rate was $XX per diem and I kept replying with "I am looking for a per hour pay rate, not a per diem, please," and they just didnt' seem to ever get  it. The final amount ended up being fifty cents less than the recruiter originally quoted me but they did get it squared away. Meanwhile I"m still putting in applications and resumes because I dont' particularly trust these people to actually get their shit together. No start date, which is fairly normal for temp agencies working with an employer to get a bunch of people started at teh same time, but the pay rate thing was ridiculous.

I have been very tired and having awful allergies since I've been back. yesterday I got up at 6 and walked dogs with Thax and then went back to bed. Today I just stayed in bed and told Thax I'd walk them when I got up. Thax was tired too so he went back to bed for a while too, got up at 7 instead of 6.

I am just so fucking done with this whole fucking thing. Giant Meteor, please.

Went from Austin to Indiana and back,with a stop in Oklahoma to see family there. Left July 1, got home yesterday July 13.   Sallisaw Ok, Eureka Springs AR, Springfield MO (just overnite, watched fireworks from our hotel window)  Bloomington IN, Greencastle IN, Brown County IN & various Indiana back roads hither and yon, then Hot Springs AR, and home.

This was a good trip. It felt longer than it actually was, due to all the adventures we managed to shove in. I didn't take any photos in Sallisaw :(

It was good to see family. I am glad we had sort of a general outline that we filled in as we went, that was a fun way to travel. Originally I'd planned to go to Tulsa and spend a day there, maybe see some friends who live there (Kaleon & his wife S.) and spend some more time with my cousin Weez' oldest girl G and her husband who are both nerds. G's husband and Thax have a good bit in common.  But Weez' husband was talking up Eureka Springs so much, I ended up convincing Weez and her husband to take an impromptu overnite trip to Eureka Springs instead. (or maybe her husband convinced me...heehee) Stayed at the New Orleans Hotel. It was fabulous. We rode the trolley, saw Christ of the Ozarks and the historic Crescent Hotel, Magnetic Spring, Grotto Spring, and listened to a blues duet in Basin Spring Park. Really nice time.

Pre covid pandemic I was much more of a planner, having days, places, reservations, and even my outfits planned out in advance. (Speaking of outfits, I didn't need as many clothes as I packed.) Changing things from Tulsa to Eureka Springs would have discombobulated me too much and I probably wouldnt' have done it. Glad I am a little more flexible and changeable these days and not so brittle and easily freaked out.

We got to Bloomington IN a day earlier than I'd planned to be in Indiana but it was not a big deal, my sister had a guest bed all ready for us :) We got to sleep with dogs again after a few days of dog free sleep. Her dogs are bigger than Sunny but lighter than Boba and they curl up very small so they were lovely snugglers.  We made lemoncello and lemon bars from lemons they had left over from a girl scout lemonade stand that was not as successful as they wanted it to be. We took my niece Eme to her week of girl scout camp. Apparently they can choose 'specialities' or tracks at camp so she is in the horse group. Other girls are in general camp where they do a little of everything, some girls are in boating/swimming type stuff, there's a lot of land out there and a lot of activities and they have their own lake. Apparently during the pandemic, they opened their site for people affiliated with the scouts to come camp with their families, and H. says it saved her sanity to be able to come and camp from time to time over that year. 

We made steaks and various veggies, including fresh indiana corn, one night over at my stepdad's house, drank wine, watched dumb TV, visited. It was good.   I brought the HEB coffee that he and my mom like, so they're all stocked up for a while.  We are all past the point of wanting 'stuff' as presents (except maybe my brother A, he's catching up on things he missed in prison so he's still keen on getting 'stuff'--though he is checking out books and movies and music from the library and saving the digital stuff to his computer, so that's helping)

We played cards and trivia one night with my sister H and her husband.  I had not seen her husband smile and laugh so much. He is a bit of a nerd and Thax thinks he has a  hard time with just small talk, and I know he isn't forthcoming on 'deep conversation' because he's very private...so gaming is something he's comfortable with that makes him happy. It was fun to play games. We didn't play anything that took too long or had complicated rules. I can deal with games like that. I just can't spend hours and hours learning the rules and playing some long drawn out saga type game....not my thing. So that was fun.

And then on the way home, we drove to Hot Springs and stopped there for the night. We stayed at the Hotel Arlington, one of the historic hotels that still has hot mineral water piped into the rooms. We got in a little after 5 so we were able to walk around and see a few sights, get some dinner, swim in the pool of our hotel (spring fed,not chlorine! nice!) and enjoy ourselves a bit before we drove home the next day. The dogs were happy to see us but Sunny was a little pouty for a while. She snuggled and slept with us all night, though. I think I slept almost 12 hours last night.

I feel like I was able to give to my various family in various love languages that they speak and understand and appreciate--games with brother in law, cooking together with H and dad/G, cookies and lemon bars and fudge to my mom, quality time and shared experiences with my cousin Weez...food and drinks and togetherness. Listening to my dad when he wanted to tell stories about work and life.  That was all really, really good.

I'm glad and grateful for my job that gives me both enough money to travel with and the free time to do so (without any guilt trips or hassles from management--the state was bad about that) I'm glad and SO Grateful that Thax and I travel so well together. We are a good team. I got a little frazzled towards the end; there was a lot of emotion in seeing mom and in helping my sister H. sort out K/mom's art room and the family photos piled up in there. H lives closest so, after our stepdad G. on the front line, she is bearing the brunt of things there. G. is retiring end of August and bringing mom home from the care facility to live at home. Their life is going to be very simple, of necessity due to Mom's health and abilities. I hope it all works out. Mom and G's house  is big and there's a lot of stairs. They'll be living downstairs in the house but there is no way in or out of that house that doesn't involve stairs and the laundry stuff is in the basement. more stairs. He's having railings installed on the front and back stairs outside but there's not much to do about the shitty basement stairs. I'd be happier if they were in a single level  home with no stairs at all.

speaking of stairs, all the stairs in Eureka Springs and Indiana and Hot Springs were good for me.My knee and ankle are complainy in the morning but the movement was good for them and strengthened them. Seeing my mom so weak after her hip break made me really want to work on being stronger.

Sadly, I don't remember the last time I talked, for real, with Mom. (to be honest, I often dreaded it. I didn't want to hear what I'd done wrong or how I'd fucked up, after the fact)  And now that can't happen ever again, for good or ill. She's not herself anymore, she smiles alot and just repeats what you say to her mostly. Some spontaneous words but not many. In a way she's easier and more delightful to deal with now that she's not stubborn, wilful, spiteful, judgemental, intolerant, and impatient....but she's not really  Mom without those qualities. And of course she's not able to read, write, type, draw, or create her art anymore so that's a huge loss. I don't want to say or imply that my mom is 100% a terrible person or anything....it's complicated.She is a magnificent being, bigger than life in a lot of ways, amazingly creative and talented, adventur5ous, fearless, fantastically intelligent,  hugely damaged. Selfish. Narcissistic. Self centered. Manipulative. I don't think she ever made a choice in life that wasn't about her and what she wanted to do...and if she felt like she had to do something that she didn't actually want to do or like doing, she'd do victim/martyr/ passive agressive punishments for 'making' her do things she didn't want to do. I see a lot of that in myself and I fairly well loathe those tendencies.  I recognize where they come from but it's still a huge step from realizing 1) my upbringing fucked me up and taught me shitty ways to behave 2) I don't want to be that or do that to 3) fixing my shit

Two recent-ish revelations in that vein re: mom.  1) she did parental alienation on me and my father's relationship. She manipulated him and me both. It's not fixable. It has to be forgiven because I can't be bitter about that, even if it hurts when I think about it too much. I just have to accept it and let it go. Ho'opono. and 2) the daughter she wanted or should have had is someone more like my SIL Skye_ds.  Mom and her have more in common than mom and I (too much like my father) A lot of the gifts my mom sent me over the years were things that would have been more suited and more delightful to Skye than to me (purple, witchy, horsey, jewelry meant for smaller wrists and fingers than mine, shoes meant for smaller feet than mine--Skye's). So...another piece of that unpleasant and problematic relationship...on some level recognizing that Skye is the  daughter my mother wanted, not me. (Obviously I'm talking about the good parts of Skye's personality, not her abusive and damaged parts) ..the horse stuff, the witchy stuff, the independent and entrepreneurial stuff...not the mean bitchy stuff.  

I wanted to tell mom I love her and ask her to forgive me for not being the daughter she wanted, and tell her that I forgive her too...but I teared up and could not get it out. I did say I love you....but not the rest. And that sucks.

anyhoo...it was a good trip. I got brittle and easily freaked out towards the end and slid into 'all I do is make mistakes, nothing I do is right' mode ...and it's so frustrating to watch myself crawling further and further up my own ass and yet be seemingly unable to stop myself from continuing along those lines. Thax doesn't know what to do with me when I get like that either...it's really a no win situation. No matter what he does or says it just increases my disgust and loathing of myself in that moment.  Oh, wait, I didn't take that triple reuptake inhibitor while I was out of town because it requires refrigeration. So I guess if nothing else this shows me that the stuff works. So, back on it.

also I am up to 250 lbs. whee.


OH! and while we were traveling, Thax got a call with a job offer, so his new job starts Monday the 17th. He had at least 4 weeks of severance/pto pay out from his job that ended 6/30 so no paychecks missed during his short stint of being unemployed.  Woot! 

Day 1: 4/12/16
Fly from Austin TX to Houston TX
Fly from Houston TX to Belize City
Taxi from Belize City to Water Taxi station
Water Taxi to Caye Caulker
(whew!) ( Read more... )

Day 2: April 13
Caye Caulker
Fry Jacks, The Lazy Lizard, Conch Ceviche, Fruity umbrella drinks at the Banyan Tree, new friends (two and four legged), and fish with the heads still on. ( Read more... )

Day 3: April 14, 2016
Caye Caulker to San Ignacio
Water Taxi from Caye Caulker to Belize City
Bus from Belize City to Belmopan
Transfer to bus from Belmopan to San Ignacio( Read more... )


Day 4: San Ignacio
Scattered Adventures with a chance of crankypants( Read more... )

Day 5: April 16, 2016
San Ignacio
The Saturday Market & meeting the Goddess Ixcacao ( Read more... )

Day 6: San Ignacio to Belize City
In which Mel is our hero & finds us an air conditioned, wi-fi equipped comfortable ride back to Civilization. ( Read more... )

Day 7: April 18, 2016
Belize City
Breakfast, post office trip, dinner with the gang
( Read more... )

Last day. April 19, 2016
last minute shopping & serendipity
flying: Belize City to Houston
Houston to Austin.
Home & bed. ( Read more... )

It was only a week, but I feel like we were gone forever. I went new places, saw new things, did new things, ate new things, drank new things, learned new things..and now I'm forgetting most of them. So I'm glad I got pictures and I'm glad to be writing them all down here. Hope you enjoyed! I know I did.

NOV 3, 2013

Sun Depart New Orleans 5:00 PM
Mon At Sea
Tue
Wed Montego Bay 8:00 AM 4:00 PM
Thu George Town, Grand Cayman 8:00 AM 4:00 PM
Fri Cozumel, Mexico 9:00 AM 5:00 PM
Sat At Sea
Sun Arrive New Orleans 8:00 AM

https://www.facebook.com/events/240575069405117/

https://www.facebook.com/events/494916223858797/
( Read more... )

Linkies for the non facebook inclined:

http://www.wherevent.com/detail/Maggie-Duval-Showdown-at-Unobtainium-2012-Tesla-vs.-Edison

http://plancast.com/p/c66e/showdown-unobtainium-2012-tesla-vs-edison

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Passion

"This week, I went scuba diving," a man told me. "Hadn't done it for years. I forgot how much doing something I love, even for one afternoon, can change my entire outlook on life."

It's easy to tell ourselves we can't have what we want and can't do what we want. And sometimes, we can't. But once in a while, even for an afternoon, it is helpful to treat yourself.

How long has it been since you did something you loved? Are you willing to be open to what excites and inspires you? If you can't do what you love, can you find passion in what you are doing? 

You are reading from the book:

52 Weeks of Conscious Contact by Melody Beattie

52 Weeks of Conscious Contact © 2003 by Melody Beattie. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the permission of Hazelden.

Old boy #1: That Obama can't make a decision worth a shit. It took him 3 months to decide what kinda dog to git.

Old boy #2: *nodnod*

Old boy #1: (in tones of utter disgust) And then he picked a POODLE.

[robinandcompany] Shout it from the Mountain Tops
Tuesday, September 1, 2009 8:53 AM
From: "rengypsy"

dear friends,

we want to make september 19th gathering our grandest and most well attended.( Read more... )

<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/robinandcompany/

http://www.sherwoodforestfaire.com/

I got air in my front tire that was low. I voted. I went to the Farmers Market and got some coffee & ran into Sir M. but nobody else I recognized. Tried to go to my friend Pat's birthday, but my Google-fu was weak and the directions went bad after I turned off the paved road, so to speak. Lost in Buda is no way to spend a Saturday afternoon. I was hungry and headache-y, so I came back home. Cleaned house a bit for tomorrow's brunch, and now here I am tooling 'round the Internet.

The Magic of Joule shows that sineater unfriended my ex today.

I'd bet that an attempt was made to suck T. into the "E's Tale of Perfidy" Drama, and T. either ignored or told Skye where to stick it (he was none to patient with her, even when we were together & I asked him to for the sake of family peace), thus leading to the unfriending.

Strangely, I trust my ex not to get involved, no matter what crazy spin anyone tries to put on things. He flat out doesn't give a shit, and that comforts me greatly now.

 

we went here back when we were all in the big house, when I was in HS.
There's a photo somewhere of Ricky serving a volleyball here. *sigh*

I'd love to go back.

http://www.foxfirecabins.com/

I'm feeling hermity, but also just really wanting to be held. :(

I noticed I was not really present in my body when I hugged/kissed
Patrick & April goodbye, or when I hugged Hojo bye. :(