evile: (dorothy)
So, every once in a while, I check out shrink4men.com. Something I see time and again is a guy chiming in on the ‘comments’ section, saying things like “My wife/girlfriend screams at me, spits at me, throws things at me, slaps me, breaks my stuff, (etc etc) should I get out?”…the answer, of course, being, “effing DUH, dude,” but then hindsight and memory kick in and I realize that it’s not always that simple; there are kids involved, there’s property, there’s pets, not to mention it was a long slippery slope from the first day they fell in love to the night she kept him up all night crying and screaming at him and finally to the day she started slapping him around and stomping on his iphone. And he still loves her. And he thinks if he just finds the perfect thing to do/say/be, she won't do it again and she will love him again the way she did during the great times when they first got together.

It seems so insane, but there’s such a gradual progression to that point of insanity, you literally do not notice, or you have somehow managed to hone your powers of denial to apply a thick coat of “it’s not so bad”…

Here’s where the light bulb went off for me. You know that old saying about how “if someone doesn’t treat the waiter nice, s/he’s not a nice person”? In my relationship with fungus_finger, I came to finally see that my ex was much nicer and more considerate to waitstaff than he was to me or my family.

And then there came a realization that if I was just meeting this man today, and this was our first date, there is NO WAY in HELL that I would tolerate being treated the way he had gradually come to treat me. I would have no place in my life, ATALL, PERIOD, for such a rude, slovenly stranger. So why the heck was I putting up with being treated that way by someone with whom I’d chosen to make a lifetime commitment and I thought had made a similar commitment to me??? Did I really want to spend the rest of my life being ignored, belittled, verbally assaulted, physically intimidated, picking up his messes, paying his bills, surrounded by his garbage, cooking and cleaning and functioning as not much more than a human Fleshlight? NO. And not just NO, but HELL FUCKING NO!

Sometimes all it takes is a fresh look at something to finally see it for what it is. Would you accept the way your partner treats you if they were a stranger on the street or a person on a first date? Would you feel comfortable if a dear friend was being treated the way your SO treats you? If the answer is no, it may be time to make a plan, get safe, and get that person GONE from your life.

Yup, yup

May. 17th, 2012 07:41 pm
evile: (coyote)
Read more... )

I think that the error I have made in the past and sometimes continue to make is to keep people in my life who expect me to be "perfect" and to assume that their demands for my perfection are correct and proper, and that I am wrong, evil, and undeserving because I cannot meet those demands. Part of me really, really wants to.

But, of course, there is the small inner voice going "Hey, why are YOU demanding that I be perfect all the time and never fuck anything up ever, but if I mention that you've done something clumsy, hurtful, thoughtless, or otherwise imperfect, for some reason that is OK, and I'm not allowed to be hurt or offended because 'that's just the way [person] is'?"
evile: (Default)
For some reason, driving by myself sometimes puts me in a really...I guess 'emotionally vulnerable' state is a good way to put it, maybe? I'll think of things, or I'll hear a song on the radio that makes me get weepy, or whatever...stuff I'd never do in front of anyone, or anywhere except in my car, by myself.

So...today I was cruisin' along, headed out to Chez Charles* for Mr. Kai's birthday (*that'd be "Chuck E Cheez" to you, sir.) and I came up with this odd thought. Kind of a 3 part system for thinking in a different way about people I habitually dislike, despise, fear, or otherwise do not dig.

First thought exercise: find something about them to genuinely, really, honestly ADMIRE. Think about it for a bit, and be totally honest with yourself.

Second: think of some possession or skill that they have that you envy. Go ahead and admit it.

Third: think of the thing or things that they have said or done that you find abhorrent, disgusting, and unforgivable.

Try to hold all 3 in your mind. Find the similarities between them. Find the qualities in yourself that you share, in all 3 categories (admire, envy, dislike). Keep doing this, adding as many qualities in each category as you can.

This ended up making me feel sick to my stomach and excited all at the same time. It made me feel like saying something to the person. It feels like an important and good thing. I don't know what, if anything, I'll do about this. I couldn't do it for long, and I could not do it for every person I dislike. But I definitely could do it for one or two.

I think one of my major 'issues' in life is always seeing things in terms of absolutes; black and white, no shades of grey and no colors. This situation is how it is and it can never change. I did or said whatever wrong thing and I can't change it, so there's no way to be sorry or fix it, so fuck it. This person did (or continues to do) this evil thing and I can't forgive them.

So....depth and colors. I may still not like these people, but it's interesting and good to have these three new things to try and think about when I think of them.
evile: (future)
I was browsing through friends' LJs and memories and such and I found this quote. It's brilliant and perfect for today:

from http://zoethe.livejournal.com/170683.html:
Read more... )
According to Webster's Dictionary, drama is "a state, situation or series of events involving intense conflict or force." Passion, on the other hand, is defined as "a devotion to some activity, object or concept." Read more... )
evile: (future)
I finished reading Rebuilding from cover to cover, just taking in the information, thinking about things as they came up for me, the goal was just to read it through once.

Now I'm back at the beginning, doing the work. There are questions all through the book.

Here's the first set:

How are you doing?Read more... )

My answers:Read more... )
evile: (Default)


(I scored a 30 on the test, BTW. Out of a possible 100. 50 is average. I have a LOT to learn. AFOG. *grumble, groan*)


evile: (Default)

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