evile: (SBC)
I first met Pam when I was 18 or 19 years old; I had just gotten my first real job (Bookstop!), first apartment, first time living on my own like a real grownup.

Pam was only 10 years older than me but to my naive view, she was impossibly mature and wise; her cynical and witty words on life, relationships, and the world were the words of The Ages.

She had a boyfriend named David who was an on again off again bad dude in her life. An addict, a user, and a liar. He had some story about how he'd stolen some lead from a radiological clinic to sell, melted it down and became sterile but somehow mysteriously got her pregnant after telling that lie. (all of that just to get out of wearing a condom, what a guy.) She didn't keep David's baby. I guess he eventually ended up in jail, prison or dead. I don't remember if she told me what happened to him, or if she knew. She described him as this impossibly beautiful, golden-tongued god of a man...I was disappointed when he came to a party at my apartment behind the bookstore and he was just this stringy hippie. She said he was as smart as she was, but I didn't see it.

The first time I went out to her place (I think she lived out in Lakeway?) I remember she had two cats, a Siamese and an orange tabby. I think the Siamese was named Valentino. Her cats' fur smelled of her perfume. I think I remember him fetching bottle caps. If I don't remember that correctly, then I will just say that I do. Her home was cosy and dark and mysterious, full of her fragrance (YSL Opium) and, it seemed, treasures from many lands and many exotic places lived and loved. Dim lamps draped with silk scarves. I want to remember the quote she gave me about how every woman should have a beaded lamp but I cant, quite.

She drove a Jeep-like car but smaller. Suzuki Samurai? She drove with an open tallboy can of beer in the cup holder and a menthol cigarette between her long delicate fingers, only paying passing attention to silly things like traffic and red lights as the hot Texas wind whipped her long blonde hair around & she shared her wit. She was the most bad-ass woman I'd ever met in my life.

I thought she was the most sophisticated, intelligent, amazing person I'd ever met. I wanted to be Pam when I grew up. Of course, time wore the shine off my infatuation; I quickly learned that Pam had a tendency to pick the worst men, the most self destructive and negative thoughts & behavior...she was a pessimist, a cynic, and yet she always had a perfect literary quote to sum up all the bad times, bad men, and bad choices, and managed to always laugh bitterly at it all.

I remember that laugh, and no one else will ever have it; usually starting with a cough, smoky, snarky, as rich and bitter as the finest cup of coffee.

I remember kissing her at a party; we were drunk as hell.

I remember her imitation of Nancy Spungen from the movie "Sid and Nancy,"--"But Siiiiid, what about the farewell druuuuuuuugs?"

I remember the title of the biography she was always going to write: Why I Hate My Miserable [fucking?] Life By Pamela Miller. It was the refrain for many of her updated tales of male perfidy.

I came back to Austin to visit after I left Bookstop for college in Indiana. I know we hung out a few times. There was always talk of a Bookstop Reunion that never quite happened.

we reconnected some years after my Bookstop Days; I was with the guy who is now my ex and she was with a guy who eventually became her ex, a retired military guy. They lived in a trailer in Dripping springs on some acreage; she ran a little bookstore out of a storage building. Mostly online, I think.

We lost touch again; next time I saw her, she hinted that her retired military ex husband had used her badly, become an addict, and so on and so forth.

She came to my 'throwing out my ex/changing the locks' party. She gave me a CD of music, a playlist for just such an occasion, entitled "Bitch Goddess #1: Music Dealing With Feminine Rage"

Thax and I met her in Austin on Guadalupe one afternoon, "The Drag," where we stood across the street from The Scientology Building in our "Anonymous" masks or bandannas or faces concealed "T-Shirt ninja" style, with silly signs and taunted the khacki & polo-clad Scientology employees as they came and went. Then we got Thai food at Madam Mam's down the street. She paid; she always paid, she was always the one giving, and that was what attracted the users. It was almost as though she felt people wouldn't spend time with her unless she did...I will always feel that money warped her life in some terrible ways.

She had mysterious family out somewhere--wealthy, estranged & dysfunctional, but somehow stil connected; her life seemed to be an attempt to break free of them, but also prove herself to them by making it on her own--waitressing, cashiering, bookstores, banks, whatever--and whenever her life got too upside-down, she could 'always sell some stock' and buy a new car, house, whatever. It was very glamorous but also very sad to me.

I met her brother once or twice; he was quiet and intelligent in that aspie computer guy way. He died of cancer. Her father died of something awful, too, and her mother was last to go. I don't know if she ever felt loved by any of them. She spoke so admiringly of her mother's intelligence, and watching her mom's intellect decline with age really upset and frightened her. She didn't call her mom 'mom'..she called her by her first name.

We reconnected again, via Facebook I guess, and I remember going out to wherever she lived. She had put out a spread of goodies and wine to welcome me; other than the wine none of it was for her--though she loved to cook, she didn't eat much. or sleep much.

I talked her into going on vacation with me and some other folks, a cruise out of Galveston. She brought along a male friend. Another user? At least he was somewhat charming...I had fun, and there are pictures of us dressed up and smiling, but in hindsight I'm not sure how much fun she had. Then...or ever, really.

Friday July 28, she decided to end her stay on planet Earth. On the cruise she'd talked a lot about walking out onto the Glacier so I knew it was on her mind even then. Her dog Nali was the reason she gave to stick around. Nali died a while back. She'd gotten another dog. I guess I hoped that was enough.

I don't know what else to say; I wish I remembered more. She was smart, cynical, beautiful, amazingly funny, miserably sad, and so fucking angry. It was a fire under her skin and in her eyes. I always knew she was going to leave this disappointing world on her terms, it was just a matter of timing. She was Intergalactic Royalty and I hope she's found her throne and the love and light she needed in life and couldn't find or allow herself to have.

I listened to the Bitch Goddess #1 CD today on repeat/shuffle. I heard a song I don't remember ever hearing before. Janis Ian's "From Me to You," and it was the perfect goodbye. Wherever she has gone now, I hope it's not a disappointment.
evile: (dorothy)

Five Things You Can Say to an Emotional Abuser

1. When someone is making decisions for you.

Are you aware that you’re making this decision for me and without asking me what I want to do? I have my own desires and needs. When you assume what is best for me without asking, I feel controlled, which is upsetting. I’d like to play an active and independent role in our decisions. I am my own person and deserve that respect.

2. When someone criticizes you harshly.

When you talk to me in that tone of voice and say mean words, I feel less than. It hurts in ways I don’t think you understand. Do you mean to hurt my feelings? If you really want me to be sad and hurt, then you’ll keep talking to me that way, but I am asking you to stop.

3. When someone ignores you needs or refuses to help.

My needs are legitimate. When you ignore them by refusing to help me, I feel rejected, like you simply don’t care about me. Do you care about me? If you do, then please be responsive when I need something from you. I care about you and expect the same commitment from you in return.

4. When you are being bullied by an emotional abuser.

You’re bullying me right now. Did you know that? I don’t know how you define bullying, but what you’re doing now is an example of bullying to me. And I’m scared. It’s hard to live with someone you’re scared of and I’d like you to understand that. Will you please stop bullying so that I can feel safe around you?

5. When an emotional abuser is berating children. [pets, employees, other partners]

How you’re communicating to our child [pets, employees, other partners] is mean. Do you see the look on his/her face? I don’t know what kind of relationship you want with your kids [pets, employees, other partners] , but the path you’re on will ultimately lead to no relationship at all. One day, your son/daughter [pets, employees, other partners] will reject you wholeheartedly and you may never hear from him/her/them again – and this is directly related to how you are treating him/her/them now. Is that what you want?

It’s a start. These aren’t magic spells and so are likely to be met with resistance. Still, you need to start somewhere. You need mature and thoughtful words, consistently, in order to set your boundaries and possibly break through to the abuser.

Practice. If you think these scripts help (worded in your style) then use them. Words are powerful tools that can change the world. Not all emotional abusers will change, but some do have that capacity and may ultimately turn a corner.

Only you can decide how much to put up with, if and when you will leave the situation for good. In the meantime, learn the right words to use to empower yourself.


What helped me leave my abusive relationship?

1) I somehow lucked into a good network of friends: HFS, the Austin Poly Group, the folks at No Kidding, and most importantly the SBC. Their love and support, plus my observations into their relationships--both good and bad--helped me to see my own situation clearly for what it was. And was not.

2) I somehow managed to tap into a fundamental truth about myself that I had let myself forget: I am a good person and I don't deserve to be treated like this. Once that realization came to the surface, I was no longer able to tolerate being mistreated, spoken to rudely, ignored, financially abused, and cheated on.

Thank you to my friends and family. Even, or perhaps especially, the ones I'm not on speaking terms with anymore. My love and gratitude you always have, even if circumstances prevent us from being in one anothers lives at this point in time.
evile: (steambug)
Got home last night from pretty much the best con I've ever been to. We had such a fine time. Met new friends, steampunks and regular folks on the street, danced and drank and goofed around, hugged and laughed and listened to music and shopped and learned to fight with canes or parasols. Learned more about tea duelling and teapot racing, just too much fun.

here are photos. & videos.

And a post from the main organizer, host, MC. Doc Phineas, a gentleman and a scholar, a wonderful human being who made each and every person feel welcome.

I am getting the most beautiful letters emails and phone messages from people tears eyed who do not want the love they...

Posted by Kenneth Kastler on Tuesday, February 2, 2016
evile: (dorothy)
I don't believe in being difficult to love. I don't believe in spending time with people who are difficult to love. If I want your company, I won't be an asshole to you. If you want my company, don't be an asshole to me. Seems pretty simple, doesn't it? And yet there are so many 'love stories' in fiction and literature, movies and music, where the person is a complete asshole who is somehow redeemed by being loved enough by the right person. That's not real life. That's not how sane & good people treat one another. Only evil, crazy people set up barriers and tests for people who love them. I'm not gonna prove my love to anyone, and anyone worth loving isn't going to demand it of me.

evile: (deadmoon)
On September 9, 2015, we lost one of the most amazing, unique, talented, intelligent, warm, LOUD, people in the entire world. Our friend Bart.

I will be joining with thousands of people nationwide this fall to walk in AFSP's San Antonio Walk Out of the Darkness Community Walk to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I would appreciate any support that you give for this worthwhile cause & would love to walk with as many of Bart's loved ones as possible, and share Bart Stories and memories of better times.

Wear red shoes if you have 'em!

Here's the official page to join the team or make a donation:


Here is the Facebook event page if you would like to come walk with us.



Nov. 26th, 2013 06:04 pm
evile: (Dream Temple)

Hiraeth beckons with wordless call,
Hear, my soul, with heart enthrall'd.
Hiraeth whispers while earth I roam;
Here I wait the call "come home."

Like seagull cry, like sea borne wind,
That speak with words beyond my ken,
A longing deep with words unsaid,
Calls a wanderer home instead.

I heed your call, Hiraeth, I come
On westward path to hearth and home.
My path leads on to western shore,
My heart tells me there is yet more.

Within my ears the sea air sighs;
The sunset glow, it fills my eyes.
I stand at edge of sea and earth,
My bare feet washed in gentle surf.

Hiraeth's longing to call me on,
Here, on shore, in setting sun.
Hiraeth calls past sunset fire,
"Look beyond, come far higher!"


Yes. This.

Sep. 13th, 2013 07:04 pm
evile: (labyrinth)

Today's thought from Hazelden is:


…when I finally gave up on my partner.

Read more... )

evile: (Knight & his Lady)
Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Constant togetherness is fine –
But only for Siamese twins.

--Victoria Billings


I heard someone in recovery say, "I don’t have relationships, I take hostages." Everyone laughed, but it left me feeling insecure about how to evaluate my own relationships. How close is too close?


Though we may not feel comfortable with many other people when we first get here, perhaps there's one particular person we feel we can trust – a mate, an old friend who has remained loyal, a peer in recovery, a sponsor. We may have the desire to check everything with this other person, and we find ourselves spending hours on the phone or in his or her company.

Strong, healthy relationships are vital. They're a blessing, not a problem. Problems arise if we feel so dependent on another person's approval that we lose touch with our feelings and preferences - if we isolate as a pair, always protected from the joys and challenges of new friendships or if our constant togetherness creates a pressure-cooker buildup of intensity. Recovery requires thoughtful self-examination and self-challenge. Though others can offer to witness, support, and love us, our recovery work is ours alone. It takes courage to allow ourselves and others autonomy with in a relationship.

Today, as I include people in my life, I leave myself and others room to be and to grow.

You are reading from the book:

If You Want What We Have by Joan Larkin

If You Want What We Have © 1998 by Joan Larkin. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the permission of Hazelden.



Aug. 15th, 2013 09:04 pm
evile: (Knight & his Lady)
Today's thought from Hazelden is:


… risk creating our own life path.

Sometimes it seems easier to lean on our mate for all decisions and all direction. Then we do not have to risk creating our own life path. Some people think they can avoid that risk by striking a bargain with their mate. They so fully immerse themselves in their mate's identity that they never have to face their own. Some couples unconsciously agree that one partner will do all the thinking and the other will have all the feelings. The result of their bargain blunts the spirit of both people, because neither grasps the challenge to see life through her or his own eyes. When both of us know how it feels to walk in the other's shoes but still see our life through our own eyes, we find the greatest personal empowerment and spiritual freedom.

Think of a time when your relationship was stronger because you took the risk to be different.

You are reading from the book:

The More We Find In Each Other by Merle Fossum and Mavis Fossum

The More We Find in Each Other by Merle Fossum and Mavis Fossum. © 1992 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the permission of Hazelden.

evile: (deadmoon)

I know we weren't supposed to record or take photos during this, but I'm so glad someone did. I was so touched and impressed by the candid, openhearted way he spoke about this, and the compassion he managed to find for his abusive father. I cried there at Comicpalooza 2013, and I've cried every time I've re-watched this video. It is just that powerful and moving.

I had watched the video where he spoke at the Amnesty International event of his father's shame and guilt and apologies after each abusive episode, but then his father would go and do the same thing again and again. At that time, no one could (or WOULD) do anything to help Mr. and Mrs. Stewart to break that sick cycle.

For Sir Patrick to reach past his father the monster to find compassion for the wounded man inside, not just to participate in raising awareness and giving help to an organization for his mother's memory, but also another organization to help people in the name of his father...I am just so in awe of this man.

"Hurt people hurt people"...and Love should NEVER hurt. If you are hurting someone you love, get help. If you are being hurt by someone you love, get help. Love Doesn't Hurt.

Dang it. How many times is this guy gonna make me cry? *sniffle*
evile: (snake)
These are some pretty radical thoughts. There's a big part of me that wants to say "But if someone cares about me, wouldn't they _____?" and I think that's a dark road of emotional manipulation just waiting to be taken.

I think internalizing these and making them work for me will be very empowering.


* You alone are responsible for the level of satisfaction with the interactions you choose to have.

* If your strategies for interacting don't work, there's no point in blaming the other person.

* The best question to ask yourself isn't, "Who's responsible for my pain?" but "What can I do about it?"

* You can't expect others to change or be any different than they are.

* Relationships come down to two fundamental choices: adapt or let go.

* As an adult, you're never a victim (though you may have been a victim as a child, betrayed and neglected by the very people responsible for your care and nurturing).

From Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem

more good stuff here
evile: (snake)
Today's thought from Hazelden is:

I will love you no matter what. I will love you if you are stupid, if you slip and fall on your face, if you do the wrong thing, if you make mistakes, if you behave like a human being - I will love you no matter.
--Leo Buscaglia

Wouldn't it be nice if there were just one person in our lives who loved us no matter what our faults? And wouldn't it be equally nice if we, too, could love just one person in the same way?

Love is not an easy emotion for us to feel. In the past we may have associated feelings of love with negative feelings such as pain, hurt, rejection, or disappointment. But we can put the negative feelings aside and learn how to feel love as a positive emotion.

Love does not necessarily mean sexual attraction or commitment. Love can simply be seeing someone for who he or she is, whether that person is a friend, coworker, boss, family member, or lover. To show love, we can keep our actions simple - by making a phone call, writing a letter, or sharing a hug. Let's show someone we care.

You are reading from the book:

Night Light by Amy E. Dean

Night Light by Amy E. Dean. © 1986, 1992 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the permission of Hazelden.

evile: (dorothy)
So, every once in a while, I check out shrink4men.com. Something I see time and again is a guy chiming in on the ‘comments’ section, saying things like “My wife/girlfriend screams at me, spits at me, throws things at me, slaps me, breaks my stuff, (etc etc) should I get out?”…the answer, of course, being, “effing DUH, dude,” but then hindsight and memory kick in and I realize that it’s not always that simple; there are kids involved, there’s property, there’s pets, not to mention it was a long slippery slope from the first day they fell in love to the night she kept him up all night crying and screaming at him and finally to the day she started slapping him around and stomping on his iphone. And he still loves her. And he thinks if he just finds the perfect thing to do/say/be, she won't do it again and she will love him again the way she did during the great times when they first got together.

It seems so insane, but there’s such a gradual progression to that point of insanity, you literally do not notice, or you have somehow managed to hone your powers of denial to apply a thick coat of “it’s not so bad”…

Here’s where the light bulb went off for me. You know that old saying about how “if someone doesn’t treat the waiter nice, s/he’s not a nice person”? In my relationship with fungus_finger, I came to finally see that my ex was much nicer and more considerate to waitstaff than he was to me or my family.

And then there came a realization that if I was just meeting this man today, and this was our first date, there is NO WAY in HELL that I would tolerate being treated the way he had gradually come to treat me. I would have no place in my life, ATALL, PERIOD, for such a rude, slovenly stranger. So why the heck was I putting up with being treated that way by someone with whom I’d chosen to make a lifetime commitment and I thought had made a similar commitment to me??? Did I really want to spend the rest of my life being ignored, belittled, verbally assaulted, physically intimidated, picking up his messes, paying his bills, surrounded by his garbage, cooking and cleaning and functioning as not much more than a human Fleshlight? NO. And not just NO, but HELL FUCKING NO!

Sometimes all it takes is a fresh look at something to finally see it for what it is. Would you accept the way your partner treats you if they were a stranger on the street or a person on a first date? Would you feel comfortable if a dear friend was being treated the way your SO treats you? If the answer is no, it may be time to make a plan, get safe, and get that person GONE from your life.
evile: (Knight & his Lady)
Today's thought from Hazelden is:

In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love, you want the other person.
--Margaret Anderson

The expression of real love is so easy between grandparents and children - and between good friends it passes effortlessly. But why is it so hard to share real love with a spouse or lover? Why, instead, do we want to possess them? And from them we dream of selfless devotion. Yet neither possession nor devotion guarantees the security we long for.

Real love is not selfish; it frees both the giver and the receiver. Knowing we're loved sustains our hearts and diminishes our difficulties. It doesn't bind us, yet paradoxically it bonds our hearts. These encouragements to grow, to change, to dare to depart if it's for our own good, are expressions of real love. Real love is never ownership, only stewardship of this moment's experiences.

Let's be gentle with one another, and love fully with trust, as a child loves a grandmother.

You are reading from the book:

Worthy of Love by Karen Casey

Worthy of Love by Karen Casey. © 1985 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the permission of Hazelden.

evile: (Birthday)
We had about 20 people at El Mercado out on the patio tonight. Fun group of folks, great margaritas, good food, great company. So far, 2012 is doing so much better than 2011, as far as fun, friends, and enjoying life. Awesome!

Just to stretch out the Birthday Fun a little bit longer, the weather forecast for Saturday says it's going to be rainy and ick. So why don't you come over for brunch? We're starting around 10am, will be done whenever people get full of bacon and decide to go home. :)

AAAANNNNND! LJ sent me a notification that someone bought me a year of LJ. Thanks, Anonymous! :)
evile: (wine)
Here is what I made for supper last night:

Strawberry Salad With Chocolate Balsamic DressingRead more... )

Lover's Beef Burgundy FiletRead more... )

We also had scalloped potatoes au gratin with the steaks and chocolate covered strawberries for dessert.

for wine, we drank Inkberry Shiraz Cabernet with the meal, along with leftover Pepperwood Grove Pinot Noir, which I used for the beef marinade, and with dessert, we had Sweet Bliss. All good. Thax even enjoyed the Sweet Bliss, and he doesn't usually like sweet dessert-type reds.
evile: (Dream Temple)
Vacuumed the bedroom. Put away winter holiday ornaments & tree. Wrapped the last gift. (need to mail those before 3 Kings Day!)

Tent room is cleanish...next year I will try to get the tree up AND have the tent room clean. This year I just got the tree up and then the room was a chaos of wrapping paper and gifts to be wrapped and mess. Oh well. First year I've had my own tree, ever...we had a tree when [livejournal.com profile] fractallia lived with us, but it was her idea, her tree and mostly her ornaments and I was cranky and unpleasant about it (cuz I'm a jerk). This year was actually fun and happy-making to have a tree up and decorate it. Even taking the decorations down was pleasant and fun. Listening to/watching Invader Zim and a documentary on beer-making, Thax keeping me company and working on craft projects while I put ornaments away in boxes. The house smells like our new Scentsy warmer thingies that my sister and her husband sent. Yumyum.

I've been online on and off today; emailed some thank-you notes to family for so many wonderful, thoughtful, fun gifts.

Still need to make Peanut Butter Fudge & Rum Balls.

Thax and I had been talking about hitting Spec's for some Pimm's. We enjoyed a few Pimm's drinks at New Years Eve so we want a bottle of it for the house. I was surprised to find that it's based on Gin...I thought I didn't like gin and turns out I kinda do. But maybe just in distilled Pimms form :P

I just now got around to making lunch; red beans and rice out of a box, plus some Elgin sausage.

Life is good. I am happy not to be at work today. Home, getting stuff done. In my PJs with my sweetheart. Much more fun :)
evile: (headphones)
I recently heard again the Billy Joel song "And so it goes"...a lot of people read sadness into the lyrics, but to me, it's really a song about letting yourself be completely vulnerable to the person you love. Because that's the only way love can really work. Scary as hell. Totally worth it. Sometimes really, really effin' hard.


In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows
evile: (Default)
got it from [livejournal.com profile] oracle_tx, who got it from Nic Marks in his TED talk, "The Happy Planet Index"

Things to do to increase happiness and wellness:

Connect - Socialize. Discuss. Hug.

Be Active - Move. Walk. Dance.

Take Notice - Observe. Ponder. Experience.

Keep Learning - Curious. Read. Experiment.

Give - Time. Money. Share.

AND...really pay attention to yourself in the moment....when you find something that makes you happy, figure out a way to do that more. Maybe find a way to make that something you do for a living. Maybe. I'm still not entirely sure that adding money doesn't take away happiness....still workin' on that thought.


evile: (Default)

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