evile: (dorothy)
So, every once in a while, I check out shrink4men.com. Something I see time and again is a guy chiming in on the ‘comments’ section, saying things like “My wife/girlfriend screams at me, spits at me, throws things at me, slaps me, breaks my stuff, (etc etc) should I get out?”…the answer, of course, being, “effing DUH, dude,” but then hindsight and memory kick in and I realize that it’s not always that simple; there are kids involved, there’s property, there’s pets, not to mention it was a long slippery slope from the first day they fell in love to the night she kept him up all night crying and screaming at him and finally to the day she started slapping him around and stomping on his iphone. And he still loves her. And he thinks if he just finds the perfect thing to do/say/be, she won't do it again and she will love him again the way she did during the great times when they first got together.

It seems so insane, but there’s such a gradual progression to that point of insanity, you literally do not notice, or you have somehow managed to hone your powers of denial to apply a thick coat of “it’s not so bad”…

Here’s where the light bulb went off for me. You know that old saying about how “if someone doesn’t treat the waiter nice, s/he’s not a nice person”? In my relationship with fungus_finger, I came to finally see that my ex was much nicer and more considerate to waitstaff than he was to me or my family.

And then there came a realization that if I was just meeting this man today, and this was our first date, there is NO WAY in HELL that I would tolerate being treated the way he had gradually come to treat me. I would have no place in my life, ATALL, PERIOD, for such a rude, slovenly stranger. So why the heck was I putting up with being treated that way by someone with whom I’d chosen to make a lifetime commitment and I thought had made a similar commitment to me??? Did I really want to spend the rest of my life being ignored, belittled, verbally assaulted, physically intimidated, picking up his messes, paying his bills, surrounded by his garbage, cooking and cleaning and functioning as not much more than a human Fleshlight? NO. And not just NO, but HELL FUCKING NO!

Sometimes all it takes is a fresh look at something to finally see it for what it is. Would you accept the way your partner treats you if they were a stranger on the street or a person on a first date? Would you feel comfortable if a dear friend was being treated the way your SO treats you? If the answer is no, it may be time to make a plan, get safe, and get that person GONE from your life.
evile: (Default)
A somewhat famous author and somewhat well known figure among certain subcultures, hobby, and interest groups has stated that one of my social groups contains and harbors a rapist. This person has gone so far as to create a tag in her blog titled "[thisgroup] rapist"Read more... )

All of that has caused me to clarify my thoughts and feelings re what is "safe".Read more... )

"The Conversation We All Need To Have" also caused me to apply reason to my fears; I don't feel 'safe' when so-and-so is around.Read more... )

So...'safe' is an illusion, or its a reality we create. It's really how you feel more than a concrete, provable fact of existence. Bad things are going to happen. Bad people are out there. We are all going to be hurt and bleed at some point in life. We are all going to die. Fear and worry aren't going to keep those things from happening to us, but they may keep us from enjoying the many beautiful and wonderful things that happen in between times of fear and pain and death. I think I'm going to choose Happy. And I'm going to choose Safe, too.

**I realize I am speaking from a place of privilege. I live in a country and come from a socioeconomic and geographic area where "safe" is pretty much our normal way of life. But there are plenty of people, even relatives, who believe that where I have chosen to live is somehow 'gang land' or 'the ghetto' ... that's their belief system and I do not choose to let their fear keep me from enjoying my home and walking my dog and greeting my neighbors, and so far my belief that "I am safe" has prevailed. How 'bout that?

Daily Fix

Feb. 24th, 2012 07:57 pm
evile: (coyote)
from http://www.wheresthemoon.com/

DAILY FIX weekend

Healing a wound? Who isn't? The Sun risesnow above Chiron in Pisces, and that configuration is all about
healing a wound. Usually it's something so deep you don't even want to talk about it,
but the more conscious you are, the less likely you are to act out. There's been a cut,
a break, and pieces have to be put back together again


Very timely. I was just reading my LJ from about this time last year. What a crunchy chocolate-coated mess I was....ffs. Glad I have any friends left after all that. Glad I still have a relationship with Thax. He is a patient man who loves me very much.
evile: (coyote)
here are the quotes from Beyond Monogamy that I'm liking. If I was at all interested in meaningless sex with strangers and not so fucking hung up on getting horrible, possibly fatal diseases and/or fear of being the ugly fat chick at the swinger party that nobody even wants to fuck, let alone talk to, I think I could really be OK with swinging.

From _Beyond Monogamy_

Swingers rules

some of the controls on jealousy are (1) that the marriage command paramount loyalty (2) that there be physical but not emotional interest in other partners (c) that single persons be avoided, and (d) that there be no concealment of sexual activities. The sharing couples reassure one another on this score by means of verbal statements and by actively demonstrating in large ways and small that the marriage still does command their paramount loyalty. Willingness to forego an attractive swinging opportunity because the spouse or lover is uninterested or opposed is one example of such a demonstration. Developing a set of rules to control potential jealousies demonstrates the swingers' commitment to marriage.


If there is no deprivation of a spouse--of promised love, honor, cherishing--has a promise been violated? If a husband's relations with another woman do deprive his wife so that she suffers a real loss--emotional, sexual, or financial--there can hardly be any question that he has violated a promise; he is unfaithful to her. He is, in the popular conception, "cheating on her." Even those who accept extramarital relationships would probably not condone such deprivation of a spouse. But suppose a husband still "cleaves to his wife," that is, continues to live with her, to support her, to assume all his responsibilities toward her, even to love her--perhaps more than ever--so that there is no deprivation, can he still be accused of infidelity?


The countless stresses, strains, and threats that life subjects us to find alleviation in the unfailing support which in a good marriage can be depended upon from the spouse, No matter how helpless we may feel, confronted by failure and disparagement in our nonmarital roles, we know that we can depend on our spouses to reassure us and build us up. He was writing in terms of threats from outside the relationship--loss of job or difficulties with the children--which required reassurance from the spouse. But infidelity is a threat within the relationship itself, threatening the spouses with loss or dimunution of the very support and reassurance marriage is supposed to supply.


Does anyone really have enough resources to supply the psychological dependency needs of several persons?


And one quote from _The New Intimacy_, to finish things up:

We expect too much of ourselves, of each other, and of the fragile complexity of marital and family relationships. To be all things to each other at all times under all circumstances is to be defeated.
evile: (Bitchplz)
I blew up, I freaked out, I got mad, I'm the bad guy. It's all on me. Aren't I the unreasonable bitch? Aren't they just the innocent wounded parties having to deal with the sicko crazy woman. Poor poor little victims. Soooo mistweated and misunderstood. So sad.

What I find most interesting about interacting with emotional manipulators is how they can push past your bounaries til you blow up, then step back and play the oh so reasonable and noble hurt party. This is a game I do not play well. Especially not when I'm recovering from fricken emergency eye surgery.
evile: (Poly)
So, I hadn't used my google calendar in ages. I used to do all my calendar maintenance from work and now I don't go online from work anymore. Went online a little while ago and found that Thax is invited to a Xmas party tomorrow at the GF's house. (and he's spent the day with her, and probably the night, since he has no work tomorrow)

Now, I get that I'm not invited/welcome because I'm not really her friend, and that's cool. I don't feel that she should have felt obligated to invite me. But I DO feel that Thax might should have mentioned 'oh, by the way, I'm going to a party tomorrow over at my gf's house' [course, that's why we keep google calendars, so we can catch the things that fall thru the cracks of conversation and be on the same page. So, yeah, I'm getting all bent out of shape for nothing. I know it with my smart brain but I can't seem to stop myself from feeling this way. It's very fucking annoying.]

And of course none of this is really even a problem or an issue because I have TWO party invites tomorrrow night that I plan to pop by at least briefly, even though I basically just know the hosts and none of the other guests all that well and one is a gamer/rockband party. So...I had plans. I am not trolling for an invitation here. Just...feel left out of the loop on his life.

Also, he plans to help move his dad on Sunday, when I was under the impression he was going with me to visit my brother A. Also, OK...I usually make that trek alone, and the only reason I'd originally thought he was coming with me the 19th is because I thought we were headed to visit my OK family after that.

So, agian...nothing is fucked here, but I'm feeling stepped on and ignored and mistreated and all sorts of other bullshit, when the fact is that I am terribly selfish and self centered and I monopolize MOST of Thax's spare time as it is, so I'm just getting all bent out of shape because for once he wants to do something that I'm not dragging him to.

Fuck me. I just need to quit this bullshit RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

I really hate myself right now.
evile: (future)
Features of Troll Attacks

It’s unlikely that any particular troll attack will exhibit all of these features. But the presence of any should provoke caution; and a pattern of these behaviors is a sure sign. It is vital to recognize a troll attack for what it is, and to refuse to allow it to gain control over you. It is equally vital to educate the people in your Coven on the nature of troll attacks, so they won’t be taken in. And in the Pagan community as a whole, the more people who understand these issues, the less trouble trolls can cause.

Read more... )
evile: (Poly)

Being Used

Posted by: Goddess of Java in relationships, boundaries

Relationships can be good and fulfilling things — no doubt about it. They can bring joy, help and mutual comfort to all involved.

However, there is a problem. People are people.

Sometimes they’re just fine people.

Sometimes they’re rescuers.

Sometimes they’re users.Read more... )


Jan. 17th, 2007 05:51 pm
evile: (Poly)
So I recently quit a 'relationship recovery' class, because I had a difference of opinion with a classmate (I felt like he was being rude to my classmates, and so when it came time for me to give out my contact info to the group, I told him directly "You may not call me. You have pissed me off tonight.") The group leader called me later and told me that my outburst was rude and inappropriate, and that SHE did not think the classmate had been disrespectful. I questioned her, and it turns out that group members will NOT be allowed to state directly to one another if they feel that someone is being rude or inappropriate, AND that the group member may not approach the group leader to voice concerns, that it is up to the group leader's sole judgement to intervene and judge who is and is not behaving appropriately. I withdrew from the class because I did not feel comfortable or safe with such a power structure in place. I told the MAIN group leader that it felt very 'cult like' to me. That was *probably* an overstatement, but I wonder.

It seems that a lot of people just coming out of relationships, or people just looking for new lovers, may be especially vulnerable to predatory groups and leaders.

A friend of mine pointed me to this website:


Potentially unsafe groups or leaders "come off very nice at first, they go for vulnerable people who are looking for answers, lonely, what you'd call 'normal people.' They're very good at what they do and can get people to believe anything. You might think you'd never get taken in, but don't bet on it. "

-- Margaret Singer, Ph.D.
Read more... )

also check this one out:

http://www.culthelp.info/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=7&Itemid=5 Read more... )

It's very interesting, because in addition to the red flags that came up about the class, upon reflection, I can also think of at least one poly relationship structure I've seen that seems to be organized very much like a cult. Food for thought...


evile: (Default)

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