evile | Entries tagged with work

Well, I turn 55 next week. My aunt L. wants to take us to dinner to celebrate and I have to pick a place. I am just not feelin' it but I guess I need to pick *something*. bleh.

Mom is with sister H. at her house in Bloomington, IN. Mom spends most of her time asleep, eating little, is starting to see people who arent' there ("Granny"? None of her grandmothers were called 'granny' as far as I know. but...?) She may pass soon. Not to be cruel or unfeeling but she's been ready for a while, and tried in 2022 or was it 2023? anyway. I just want her to be at peace.

Mothers day is always a reminder that she didn't have the life she wanted, the love she wanted, or the accomplishments she wanted, largely due to having children. Me, mostly, I guess, the start of her disappointments in life. Abortion was illegal when I was conceived. I don't think I'll ever forget or forgive a system that robbed a woman of her life and autonomy and forced her to parent a child she and her partner didn't want to have and into trying to force a life together, a partnership that was unsuited to both of them. They did their best and maybe at some point decided that it was OK to have me, maybe even that they wanted and liked me...but it wasn't their choice. It was forced on them by the fucking government. So happy belated Mother's day, I guess. Glad and grateful for my fucked up reproductive system and getting sterilized at age 34 so I didn't have to do the same.

Still job hunting.

Our friend S. has settled in to the front room/tent room with her two cats. Her dog has run of the house. The dogs got the door open once and chased one of the cats into the work/computer room where she hid in the corner until my brother A. could get under there and get her out. It was a stressful mess. S. wanted to just leave the cat's bed and some treats in the room until the cat chose to come out but I was thinking "OK, but where is it going to piss/shit???" so for me, it wasn't an option to leave the cat in my work room until it felt like coming out. S is being a good guest, spending a lot of time resting and watching tv/movies in her room. Her dog is getting along well with our dogs and has enjoyed joining our walk routine. S. occasionally comes out and does marathon talking but it's more movies and trivia now than the first days of trauma-dumping about her childhood and stuff. She's been alone in her house for a year since her husband died; I'm trying to give her as much patience and kindness as I can manage. I can't imagine losing everyone and everything that matters to you in one fell swoop like she has.

It's gotten hot this week so we've been walking after supper instead of before.

My knees, back, left heel, and ankles are in pain just about all of the time now. I wear 'incrediwear' knee and ankle supports to bed for healing; I generally do wake up feeling more OK ish than when I dont' wear them to bed.

I've lost about 5 lbs in the last couple months. only 100+ more to go!LOLOLOLOL. not gonna happen.but I know that a great deal of my discomfort is due to carrying too much weight.

Our house is having plumbing issues. got a quote for 10K to fix it. The PVC piping used originally is not to current spec, it is weakening and sort of sagging. It's more of a flattened 0 shape rather than a round circle and will continue to collapse and crack until it's not useable and nothing goes through. Part of the driveway needs to be dug up and repoured as well. Thax wants to get a couple more quotes before we make a decision but I suspect the work will need to be done sooner rather than later.

Anyhoo...

turns out that the position I was offered FT/Permanent in Feb (and turned down due to already accepting the 6 month remote contract that ended early, and had been beating myself up over endlessly bla bla ) was 'sunsetted' just after the 6 week training period was over. The options were to apply for other positions at the company, accept transfer to Accounts Receivable and after a 3 week 'try out' period, either be accepted full time in AR, or get a severance.

So I guess I'm glad I didn't go thru all that. I would have had some bux in the bank after 6 weeks of that fat salary but not enough to really justify or make up for being jerked around and played like that.

The job hunt continues and the data analyst course continues as well. onward.

S. suggests I offer dogsitting for a couple of extra dogs and take cash as my next career....It's tempting but our backyard really isn't secure.

For my birthday/just cuz, I'm going to order a sample set from Maison des Animaux.

Aurate: This is the classic amber. Sandalwood drenched, labdanum rich, vanilla sweetened. The most golden of gold fragrances.
Boheme: Bohème is lightly sweet, deep, warm, and unisex. It starts with labdanum, cinnamon, and toffee, and transforms into leather and a bit of smoldering pipe tobacco hovering above that perfect glass of bourbon. The drydown is a honied musk that is just delicious.
Holiday: The warm, honied musk of sun-kissed skin on a tropical beach. Solar and warm, subtle sweetness balanced with a warm hum of toasted coconut and spiced rum.
Le Cirque: A riot of dark chocolate-covered espresso beans, toasted sugarcane, Mysore sandalwood, Haitian vetiver, and a puff off a Cuban cigar. This is a conversation over a late-night espresso that you never want to end. It is so fun, so rich, and entirely sexy.
Sirius : This is the sweetest Guatemalan cardamom, rare ruh khus vetiver, black keemun tea oil, and vanilla absolute from madagascar. Unisex and versatile, it starts bright and spicy and dries down into a warm, sweet, and rich woody musk. An olfactory cashmere sweater: warm, soft, a constant favorite.

Current Mood: blah

So, I committed to this temp contract 2/18 (believing that the permanent job I'd interviewed for was rescinded, having been told by my temp agency that the only thing available at the old place was another 6 month contract, which would require another interview) and then I got a permanent offer 2/25 and for whatever reason, I felt a sense of loyalty to the temp contract and felt like I needed to keep my word. (why? I dunno.)

And I've been feeling like I closed that door to the last place forever. I mean, it was a bad choice but I don't think I actually burned any bridges (?) so I think when I get close to or at the end of this contract I'll reach back out to the agency that placed me at my previous contract where I got the belated permanent offer and see if they have anything at that same place, maybe do another 6 months in contract and see if it goes 'contract to hire' like the last one said it might. get back in the door over there and try again. maybe. I am finishing data analyst bootcamp. And who knows we may all go up in nuclear fire before then so I won't have to worry about it or work anymore.

I am trying to find a way to give myself permission and be OK with 'not keeping my word' when a situation comes up where I make an initial decision/give my word based on incomplete or bad information. I am trying to find a way to be OK with changing my mind and disappointing people when or if something happens that offers me a better option for *myself*. I mean, why on earth did I have more loyalty and care for my temp agency recruiter than i did for my own future and finances and peace of mind?

the temp remote contract is cool because it's remote and so far easy. the money compared to the money I was making at the previous 6 month 'temp to hire' remote/hybrid is better when you think about the 3+ hrs week unpaid commute, gas, vehicle wear and tear.

*if* I had taken the full time permanent offer, the money was very good. but it was 6 weeks of in office and then back to the 3 days in office hybrid schedule. It was business casual wardrobe requirements. It was a corporate culture that was ...inauthentic feeling, to me. (but wouldn't that be the case with *any* job? There's masking and faking in any workplace environment, but I didn't ever feel like I had to do anything that was absolutely distasteful or unethical)

Anyway.....I'm going to stick this contract out because I've committed to it and it should be pretty easy work once it gets going. and work on data analyst bootcamp. (having discovered in research that I *should* have asked the instructor/owner what his students' completion rate was, having found that only about 15% of people finish one of these things)... anyway....mistakes are always being made. It's not the end of the world until Donald Fucking Trump tanks the economy and kills us all...Until then I have to keep making that dog food money.

Tuesday: we had an initial meet and greet with onsite supervisor and 2 other contractors working on this project. Got some more background on the situation, including the fact that the guy who had been spearheading the salesforce project left in Dec and our supervisor is now taking up his slack.

Wednesday: We had a quick Salesforce tutorial with supervisor and other team members, led by Salesforce Expert who quickly went through the steps we would be following to do our work. Meeting was slotted for 1 hour, it was about 45 minutes. Luckily someone recorded the meeting so I was able to rewatch it a few times.

Thursday: We had a more 'all hands' meeting with supervisor and other team members, hosted by Senior Manager of ERP Design and Solutions for Supply Chain. He went through the process again, but there seemed to be disagreement or confusion on the essential steps and some debate on terminology (our supervisor is saying Old Salesforce and New Salesforce, and Senior Manager says it's not really a 'new' salesforce, etc.) and time line for project. this was about an hour and 50 minutes of listening to them talking about the process and steps, the background database that Salesforce was pulling from currently vs the one it will be pulling from in the future.... it seemed fairly disorganized. The 'old salesforce' or whatever they are going to call it is being shut down at the end of March.

Friday: the three contractors met to go through our notes and screen shots to try and get through entering an order successfully; we were not able to complete one order. One issue seems to be that the 'live' salesforce has an interface with a resource that is not available in the 'test environment.' We met with supervisor later in the morning and asked for more time with Salesforce Expert, for us to take turns doing the order entry with Salesforce Expert watching and offering advice or corrections as we go. One issue seems to be that in the 'live' version of salesforce rather than the sandbox/training version, there is a report that salesforce pulls from with product information (?) and the sandbox/training version does not have that report or data set to pull from.Another issue seems to be that Salesforce Expert's enumeration of steps is not in alignment with the steps Senior Manager says we need to do in order to successfully create an order (Salesforce Expert says we do not need to send for approval, Senior Manager says we do, supervisor does not know who would be handling the 'approval' process or where those orders would go 'for approval')

Supervisor is great; she is not expecting us to be subject matter experts, have proficiency. or know exactly what we are doing at this point. The team is collaborative, if disorganized, and everyone seems to have a good sense of humor about things. Supervisor says that some team members are asking her if they can use 'her temps' for other projects in the meantime and she would prefer us to continue to review meeting notes and recordings as well as product information for now. She seems to like the questions we are asking, and the fact that we're interested and engaged with the project. So as long as she's happy with us, I'm OK.

So I wrote up a recap and sent to my recruiter to keep her in the loop. No one seems unhappy with my work, but things seem kind of disorganized on their end at the moment. Management, trainers, etc. seem to just be bumbling around without much of a clue

https://www.upi.com/Health_News/2025/03/05/band-meetings-hangover-research/5241741104373/

I was definitely feeling this after Thursday's meeting.

"Colleagues also tend to vent to coworkers, sharing their frustrations in a process called "co-rumination" -- which can hurt the overall atmosphere and make productivity issues even worse."

I definitely did a bit of this through Teams with my new colleagues; but we are all pretty new so we tried to turn it around and make it seem as positive as possible rather than like a shitshow.

"Chatting with your colleague about how to deal with the situation for the future, getting their thoughts, engaging in sense-making where you're trying to understand, taking different perspectives on what just happened -- those types of conversations increase your skills and your resilience when you do have a bad meeting,"

Definitely want to try and develop some coping skills around this, become more comfortable with 'ambiguity' and understand that these problems are not my problems.

but also covered my ass as much as possible by letting my recruiter know what's up.

a handful of my colleagues from the previous contract got on as full time employees at the same place. They start 3/10. That could have also been me if I had not felt so honor-bound to stick by my committment to the recruiter --she asked first, so I accepted and didn't want to leave her hanging (plus was misled by my temp agency recruiter into thinking that there was no longer a permanent job available, that it was going to be another 6 month contract instead, which spurred me to accept the remote temp job, since I thought I was comparing two temp positions). I am definitely having a lot of second thoughts about that decision. I don't know why I beat myself up with 'shouldas'....that opportunity has passed and it's gone. I fucked it up, now it's time to suck it up. No point in dwelling on 'shoulda'.

I have not done much work on my data analyst course this past week even though I theoretically had the time to do so. I ordered an ikea laptop desk and will be trying to make a bit more order of my work space; I thought it would be easier to switch between work laptop and personal laptop, just unplug and replug keyboard mouse and big monitor between the 2 docks but it's a big mess of wires and junk and so I am going to have to regroup and actually have to unbox the big monitor the company sent to go along with my work laptop, as well as their wireless mouse and keyboard. My work room is a mess.I cleaned my personal desk but my work area is kind of a hodgepodge of janky desk and a couple of storage bins that things are stacked on. the plug outlet situation in this room is also terrible. I will spend some time this weekend getting squared away and trying to make sense of things. It doesnt' help that I don't have a 'work process' established as of yet so I don't have a good feel for what placement of screens will make the best sense. oh well. befriending ambiguity. yes yes.

the final 5 weeks of my temp job are going to be an introvert's hell. I will be on zoom calls literally all day every day. I am really hoping that monday's 'quick connect' with the supervisor who just started in Dec will be something along the lines of 'we got all the info we need, y'all can piss off now,' Since the holiday break I do be feelin' like we are somebody's broken toys. Like they are going to take the work we did, make some spreadsheets and powerpoints about it and use it to sell their next idea for 'improvement' to the Powers That Be. As far as I know, the supervisor they hired hasn't extended any permanent full time offers to anyone on our team of contractors. (but if they had, maybe they are keeping it quiet)

Honestly, if we were just going by numbers, if there was a position to give, they should have offered it to me (or posted it and strongly encouraged me to apply, at least)....but the new boss gives a vibe that he doesn't care for me. Nothing specific, just....one can tell when a male person of authority is taking a dislike to one on the basis of ....whatever it is that is 'wrong' with me and makes me rub certain people the wrong way. (smart, old, fat, female, outspoken, honest, competent, don't suffer fools gladly, whatever it is. the thing that is wrong with me and I don't know what it is and not entirely sure I'd change it if I did know...)

I have learned a lot and gotten good at using the tools and databases, I have gotten the work done, I have stayed organized and on-task, I have been pleasant and professional to my teammates, I have developed a good working relationship with most of the high level high earner execs that I am expected to meet with repeatedly, I have been one of the approx. 1/3 of our team who have consistently been in-office on the mandatory 'in office' days 3 days a week, I have kept to the dress code, I have been reliable and punctual and what have you. But I still feel like I failed in some way to fit in and do....whatever it is.... (the non neurotypical, depressive, adhd, whatever it is that is wrong with me that makes me never, ever fit in or be normal and I have no idea what I'm doing wrong *thing*)

Anyway I am having a lot of anxiety about the upcoming nonstop calls, end of project, and whatever I am going to do next for $. And I hate that I am letting this worry ruin my weekend and keep me from getting to sleep.

On the plus side, I had enough socked away that I did manage to pay property tax on the house this month and buy myself an ebike and have enough saved so that I can take care of basic bills for a few months before I have to worry too hard about finding the next job. I wanted to also have enough saved up to get a 2nd opinion on Pepita's hips and get her surgery if the 2nd vet agrees. didn't get enough saved for that one. But two out of 3 financial goals during this contract? That's pretty good, I think.

One of my fellow contractors was taking a data analyst bootcamp course and has had several recruiters reach out to her and at least one interview that I know of--Big Fruit Company, for something like $56/hr. She is super positive and helpful and kind. Two more of our group have started taking the same course because she talked it up so much. I may go ahead and sign up, it's 10 weeks and a couple thousand dollars but may yield the ability to work remotely and make good money.... that would be a hell of a thing. Internet,VPN, and life in Belize could be a real thing. I'd still have to convince the husband to move, but with the ability to earn from wherever i am, and the cost of living in Belize being much lower, all of that could be persuasive.

anyhoo....let's get thru the next 5 weeks and see how it goes.

visited Mom today; told her about the dream I had last night about her and my stepdad Greg taking me to the airport after rescuing my sister's dog....and she smiled when I told her how Greg had everything squared away and taken care of for getting the dog on the plane, in a kennel and with the right papers... I said "I miss him" and she said "I miss him too," and a little later in the visit my brother A. and I were chatting about the afterlife or the next world, some term like that, and Mom said she'd been dreaming about the next world (she rarely gets out a whole sentence these days, so that was big) and I asked if it scared her and she got the most huge and happy smile on her face and said "No. It's wonderful," I hope she can make that step soon. not because I'm hateful or selfish but because she is suffering and I know she's wanted to go for a long time now.

Current Mood: anxious

Decent day at work today; first group meeting with an onsite manager who was just hired as a manager for the department which hired us temps/contractors. This suggests to me that perhaps this work we were hired on to do as a project will become a new 'business unit' with him as our local leadership, and some/all of us will be hired on permanently. I like the work and I like my coworkers. I don't think the new manager particularly cares for my style of interaction, but I think my results speak for themselves. note to self: shut the hell up in future team meetings. Head down, work hard, keep up pleasant interactions with the high level big-money individuals I was hired to speak with, and keep completing work at a good pace, on time, and high quality.

The building's property management co. catered lunch for all the building tenants today; it was from Peached Tortilla. Pretty good. Kind of wierd. mexican/asian fusion. good chicken. wierd baked cauliflower--lots of salt and I think nutmeg (??!?). Generic tortillas that seemed like they came from a package. Decent sauces.

I had tried to get everyone to wear a tacky Xmas sweater today and take a group photo; I was mildly successful at herding some of the cats. It was fun, anyway. I like all of my coworkers very much; they are all very smart, nice, funny, and hard working people. Some of them are so smart and quick that I think they are getting a little bored because they've done all of the data gathering stuff and are just trying to get ahold of the people at the company that we have to talk to to confirm our information is correct/current. And that's a frustrating sticking point for a lot of folks. I've had decent luck with most of my assigned bigwigs. A couple of jerks, but mostly good people. Once they figure out I'm nice to talk to, pretty smart, and won't waste their time, they are usually OK to schedule calls with a second/third/etc. time. Getting that first meeting is tough.

Another contractor/coworker has been taking a data analyst boot camp course that will be completed end of January. She has already received two job offers; one at 'Austin HQ fruit' company hybrid $50/hr. The other she didn't say what the company is but it's fully remote, $56/hr. I may have to look into this course. She is an Excel whiz kid and I am not, but it may be something I can do adequately, if not as fast and clever as she does. If the industry is that hot, even the slowest kid in class might have a shot at a good job. I am accurate. And speed generally comes with repetition. I'm getting faster at the data gathering part of this job; it still takes me longer than it seems to take anyone else, though. Oh well. I'm pluggin away and getting things done within the required time frame, and any hold ups are coming from not being able to pin down a meeting.

Anyhoo....Life is OK. Everything that is within my control to keep on track and pleasant and working properly is doing so. The country, the state, and the world are out of my control and worryng isn't productive.

I'm buying extra coffee and dog food every trip to the grocery store. I will probably start stocking up on veggies too. frozen and or canned. sigh.

Thinking of taking my mom on a drive through trail of lights either this weekend or next; we'll get drive thru fast food on the way. I havent' gone to see her in a couple of weeks and apparently it's distressing my aunt, who sees her daily. I don't think my mom cares one way or the other, but I dont want to upset my aunt, who in hindsight has been a better mom to me for most of my life than my bio mom ever was. So...once more through the FOG, my friends. lol ...fog fog, my entire life, and all of my family relaitonships...nothing but fog. lololol.

Current Mood: busy

Well, I took on a 6 month contract that started FINALLY in mid-Aug. There were a few weeks between the offer and actually starting the job; I was starting to think it had been some kind of scam. But I've gotten two paychecks now so I think it's a real job.

I am one of 15 people they hired for a new project gathering information into giant ugly excel workbooks for eventual conversion to yet another database in a company that seems extremely database-heavy. Not all divisions of the company use all the databases so apparently there's information in one place that people in another unit never see and it creates confusion and upset when people who 'should' know this-or-that are bothering the people in charge of client service with silly questions. Or something.

Anyway....I am learning a LOT. (Pivot tables! eeps) and I feel like everyone in my group is much smarter than me. I think I may be among the three oldest people hired for the project, so that's kind of a wierd feeling. But everyone is very nice, very smart, and super helpful when I get stuck. And I am not getting stuck much anymore. The first few days of training, I was just like "Lord god almighty what have I gotten myself into??!?" and a couple of times I felt overwhelmed and wanted to quit. But I've stuck with it and I am finding that I'm pretty good at this job once I've gotten the hang of 'where to look for what information' and 'how to navigate crazy intricate excel sheets'.... but it's been taking up a lot of my bandwidth. I dont' have as much time to whine on FB or read Dreamwidth or post self pitying nonsense, which is all good.

I am feeling challenged, but energetic.

I don't love commuting to an office 3 days a week, but we do get monday and friday to work from home.... I am starting to have thoughts of 'what if I get a permanent offer here,"....*shrug* I am not going to make any plans along those lines. I was out of work from april 1 to mid august, my savings are a little bit low. I'm mostly going to refill my reserves and make sure I have money for property tax.

My car had expensive repairs.... husband picked up the tab for that. He feels OK about it. I don't.

My sister is having a lot of second thoughts about the place she picked for Mom, of the several places she sent me to check out .....I thought it was pretty good but apparently one of the owners is a dick. She wants to move Mom back to IN and care for her full time. I don't honestly see that as being do-able, but she's the POA and all of that, she has a degree in social work and has worked in elder care, so if that's what she decides, that's what will happen. Mom's health is holding steady. My aunt L. visits her every day to read her romance novels, my brother A visits every other day and they watch movies. I visit on weekends and bring my little dog and something sweet (donuts usually)... I feel pretty useless and boring sitting with her, but that's what we do now.

anyhoo...that's my life. work taking up most of my time and brain. Nothing social to speak of.....in a way I miss having friends, but if I'd ever been a good enough friend, I wouldn't be alone now, now would I? So. For the best. No travel plans or cruises to look forward to. I remember I used to cope with life by keeping busy and having plans. Now I just do the daily-walk dogs, go to work, come home, cook, walk dogs, tv, sleep. and keep everything small and plain. I don't hate it. It's just....not very interesting to talk about with anyone. But there's no one to talk about it with, so it all works out.

is in the bag. The first day was nice; they had the training room set up with notebooks, pens, highlighters, sticky notes, hand sanitizer, and lanyards. (They also fed us breakfast [donuts] and lunch [pizza and soft drinks]) Then we got temp badges and got through a lot of onboarding paperwork (all documents we filled and signed electronically and sent via email, no paper!) , then we got our computers. They walked us through sign on, had us open all the web pages and apps we'd be using to make sure we had access, made notes of who did not have access, we saved bookmarks in a uniform fashion, got an overview of the work and met the team, it was really good onboarding. We will get personalized badges in 7-10 days and then we'll have to turn in our temp badges. The badges let us in to everything in all the buildings that regular employees get to do, break rooms, conference rooms, printers, gym (!!), everything. We are invited and encouraged to join 'Teams' that ar relevant to our interests, such as 'veterans' or 'lgbt' or 'women in business,' or whatever. Such a change from the temp agencies I've been with that were very careful to clarify that we are contractors and therefore unwelcome in certain spaces and not allowed to use certain workplace perks.

Once we are settled in, this will be a 'hybrid remote' - Monday and Friday at home, Tuesday-Thursday in-office. Hours are flexible within building hours (7am-6pm) and generally people are there 8-5, but team leads are all over the country so at some point some of the people with east coast and west coast based team leads may end up adjusting. The training week was not a full 40 hours. And commuting & polluting is not my favorite activity, but it was OK. Most days the drive took about 20 min each way. Not awful. My work space is nice, open and pleasant, but not *too* open, I have my own space and it's quiet. It is spreadsheet heavy so the work laptop is not going to cut it for working from home, so I'll need to find a keyboard, mouse, and big monitor. We had many extras here at teh house for some years but finally took them to donate a few months ago of course. Ah well. I googled and discovered Goodwill Computer Works is not a thing anymore. dang it.

Tuesday thru Friday we were introduced to the spreadsheets and work process. Today we put it all together and worked an entire spreadsheet to completion. Next step once the spreadsheet is filled with all the information we can glean from internal company resources, we are expected to have a 'call' with the 'account owner' to work out details and confirm the info we have. These are super serious bigwigs, like the Account Exec for a big company like Amazon or whatever....I'm a bit intimidated on that step. Hopefully by the time we get to our first 'call' I will have a better idea of what the hell I'm talking about.

Day 2 I was feeling so overwhelmed I considered quitting. Because of course, after being out of work for months, I got a call from another staffing agency Monday afternoon with a fully-remote opportunity. dang it.

This assignment will last 6 months at minimum but it seems likely to go on, if the company has budget and interest for it.

so far I like the culture and the attitude of the people in the company, and all of the other contractors are very smart and capable. So that's nice. I've been remote since 2020 so it's a change. But i am adjusting OK. And the money is more than I've ever made in my life, so that's super cool.

got up at 6, walked dogs with Thax, went back to bed. Dreamed that I was in a big old house....it had very strange plaster frescoes on the wall. I was there with my mom. I think it was supposed to be G/Dad's house in greencastle, but it wasn't really their house....I was staying in the attic room which had a set of stairs on the outside of the house leading to a door that went into the attic room. I kept being woken up hearing someone trying to open that door, which was locked by means of a screen door hook latch that was on a very long eye bolt that was drilled into the frame of the door. Mom and I went to look at it, because I guess I told her that someone was trying to get in that door and she didnt' believe me? so we went and looked and it had been tried enough times that the wood around the eye bolt threads was shredded and the eye bolt could just come out....so we pushed an empty bookcase in front of the door. It probably wouldn't stop the person from coming in but the noise of the book case being knocked over would maybe wake everyone up. In my dream mom was like she used to be, not the pleasant vague person she is now.

Anyway, I got up again, had breakfast, washed up and went to see her. Aunt l. was there when i arrived, but she left pretty quick. I had brought my dog Sunny, who did alright. was nervous in an unfamiliar place but did ok otherwise. She liked sniffing around in the backyard. Mom says she doesn't get out much when I asked her if she had seen the back yard. Maybe when the weather is cooler, or if we go over earlier in the morning or later in the evening we can sit outside. If she wants to. Mostly she wants to stay in bed. She asked me if G. had cancer, and I said yes. I teared up some, and said I miss him every day. She then asked me "Why did G. let himself get ... bamboozled?" and then she shook her head and said "I don't know what I'm trying to say,"....:( she's processing the grief and h er brain is not helping her. anyway, Sunny behaved and she enjoyed the back yard. The owner's two dogs were there, black lab mix types. Very sweet boys. I think Sunny would have enjoyed them if she'd been off leash too, but I wasn't sure if I should let her run around the house without a leash on. anyway.....depressing. mom seems in good health. I left when they came to get her for lunch. she wanted to go to the table and eat with everyone. I take that as a good sign. My brother A. seems to think they're not feeding her enough, and not feeding her what she likes to eat....but she's in bed most of the day, she doesn't need that many calories.... so? I asked mom if she liked the food and she said yes. At the old place in Greencastle, she'd say "It's adequate," in a way that suggested she didn't much like it. so....she does manage to get some things across pretty well. It's just a lot of effort for her to put her thoughts together and say stuff. I hate to see her struggling like that :(

I got an email Tuesday morning with my start date and time for my next temp gig. It starts 8/12. I have jury duty 8/13. I have been calling and emailing the jury duty people to try and get a postponement or something. I know that 'the law' says a person can't be fired for going to jury duty but the law is pretty thin when it comes to protecting temps. They could just say they let me go for 'not being a good fit' and that would be that and I'd be looking for work again.

I dont' know what mom was trying to ask about the 'bamboozled'? I told her that the cancer was very fast growing and that G had been seeing his doctor regularly and managing his diabetes and his rheumatoid arthritis and doing his best to stay healthy ....cancer is just a fucking ugly beast. It came fast and took him fast. OTOH, I watched my bio dad fight cancer for a couple of years after his diagnosis and '6 months to live' prognosis, and that was fucking ugly and heartbreaking too.

Pepita is coughing today. I gave her a benadryl and let her lick some honey off a spoon. It's not like when Boba had kennel cough with all of the foamy phlegm....but it is worrying me.

Current Mood: stressed

new job starting 5/20, pending background check and drug test. it's a one year contract; seems like a lot of extra just to qualify me to work for a year but okay. Maybe this is one where 'contract to hire' actually means contract to hire. I wouldn't mind having a permanent gig.

I am off to pee in a cup now.

Once upon a time, long time ago, I was fired by a person who had been a coworker and friend who was then promoted to supervisor. She planned it, she orchestrated it, she did it on purpose, but at the same time, she sat there and cried as she fired me, just before the holidays, right before I was set to meet my sweetie's family in person for the first time. I felt so much disgust and contempt at her display of unprofessionalism and hypocrisy and felt embarrassment and shame that i was going to meet his family as an unemployed loser.

And, as always, whenever I've left a crazy, toxic, dysfunctional situation, I always found something better in some way. Not perfect, but better. (more money, closer to home, better benefits, what have you)

Today our manager at the place where I'm a contractor had an unscheduled meeting to let us know that her head count for our project had been reduced to 14 and therefore many of us won't be finishing out our contracts. Our contact at the temp agency will be reaching out to let us know what's up. She was fighting back tears and felt very emotional. I wasn't angry or disgusted at all with her because somewhere along the way I've learned not to take stuff like that personally. Even if she had a hand in making the decision and choosing who stays and who goes, and feels terrible about it, it's got nothing to do with me and I don't feel rejected, offended, or unfairly judged.

It also helps that I have a decent amount of savings, a spouse who is secure in his job, and was (am) looking forward to a little break for my birthday and maybe sometime through June, hopefully some time with my brother A assuming he is released from prison on schedule as expected. My stepdad and mom don't travel anymore so if his parole allows I may roadtrip up there to visit for a bit. We shall see. No worries, no worries at all. And I'm glad that life occasionally gives me these opportunities to come full circle and realize that I'm actually growing and getting better, as stuck and stagnant as I feel at times.

Current Mood: chipper

Have you ever had a job interview, and you realized or felt like you are smarter than the interviewer(s) but yet you did not get the job?

If I was in an interview and it seemed that the person interviewing me knew less about the job requirements or technical skills than I did, I would not assume I was smarter than the interviewer.

First, I would wonder if the person was ‘playing dumb’ to see if they could trap me into being condescending or going into obnoxious ‘mansplaining’ mode. They might be testing to see if you are the sort of person who can explain things to another person without talking down to them and making them feel bad or dumb.

Second, if I was interviewing for a technical position, I might think that the interviewer was someone in HR who was just checking to make sure I was presentable before passing me on for a second, more technical interview with a busy tech person who didn’t have time or energy to devote to an initial interview for the purposes of screening out candidates. In my experience there are many tech people who don’t have ‘soft skills’ for interviewing or public speaking, so the HR department may step in to help a technical department find a new employee who is not just technically smart for the position advertised but also a good fit personality-wise for the company culture.

If an employer reaches out to let you know that you were not selected for a job, it’s a good opportunity to ask some follow up questions to see what improvements you can make for the next interview.

======================

Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com.

They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here.

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.

I don’t know if messing with a vehicle is part of every narcissist’s playbook but basically it would be just one more way to insult, harm, or scare their target. An abusive narcissist domestic partner might sabotage a vehicle if they thought you were finally going to leave them. No car? Can’t leave! So that’s another possibility—control. Vehicles, at least in America, represent freedom and autonomy. As long as you have a car you can go anywhere, including leaving a narcissist for good. So it’s probably a very symbolic act of the narcissist, trying to curtail your freedom.

Narcissists are bullies, but they are also cowards. Abusing or confronting you physically might result in you fighting back, physically hurting them or even maybe defeating them in a physical altercation. So messing with your possessions when you aren't around is a better way for the coward to harm you without risking retaliation or injury to themselves. It also makes them feel powerful and in control when they can do nasty stuff to someone without anyone catching them in the act. They love to get away with stuff!

As an example, I had a coworker who was the leader/instigator of the workplace ‘mob[1] against me who (I’m pretty sure) smeared chewed gum all over the side of my car while it was parked in an underground, secure workplace parking garage. When I brought it up in a mediation after things had escalated and management and HR had to get involved, she acted like I was stupid and crazy for accusing her of doing that. But, come on, who else could it have been? The gum was smeared all over the side of the car nearest to the wall of the parking garage, and there was nothing else in that corner, so someone would have had to very deliberately go to that side of my car to do that, and then the only person that would see it was me when I went to get in and go home at the end of the day. It wasn’t on my car when I arrived that morning, and it was on my car when I left at the end of the day. So it wasn’t an accident and no one else at that office was that malicious, ridiculous and petty except for miss crabby crazypants.

If this sort of thing is happening at a workplace, it's time to find a new job. If you get to a point in your relationship where you feel that a person you ought to care about and trust is actually doing something that may harm you (cutting brake lines, putting sugar in your tank, etc.) it is long past time to leave that relationship!

Footnotes

[1]

Mobbing - Wikipedia

======================

When the narcissist launches a 'silent treatment' campaign against you by having flying monkeys refuse to talk to you…is that something the Narc directly requests from them? How would they know to do this?

The narc is an excellent manipulator. He or she will give you the silent treatment and then go tell some lie to their followers/flying monkeys about you, which will cause the flying monkeys to dislike and distrust you as well. I had a whole workplace like this; it’s called mobbing

[1]

The flying monkeys don’t realize they’re being controlled, or that the narc has recruited them to give their target the silent treatment, they think it’s their own idea and that they have perfectly good personal reasons to ignore and mistreat the narcissist’s target.

You really have no idea what the narc is saying behind your back; in my case I’m pretty sure my main bully told my coworkers that I was a snob, I thought I was better and smarter than anyone else, and that I was rude. And, since I was there to do a job, I was mostly quiet, kept to myself, and avoided the bully, her words did have the appearance of truth.

The narcissist is adept at creating mistrust between people and compartmentalizing all of their relationships (with both ‘friends’ and ‘enemies’) so that it seems their flying monkeys and various targets won’t ever speak to each other and compare notes to realize that the common instigator of all of the drama is the narcissist. By keeping everyone apart, fostering mistrust, and keeping themselves as the center and the gatekeeper of ‘truth’ and ‘reality’ the narc can keep their sick games going indefinitely.

It is difficult and unpleasant to try and maintain a normal existence when it seems everyone around you is against you. Cultivate nurturing relationships away from the narc and his/her crowd, and do what you can to avoid those people or minimize time spent around them, if they are business associates.

If this is your workplace, find a new job asap! Easier said than done, I know, but when you are spending the majority of your waking life in an office, it needs to be a safe place for you. Also, *document document document*—cover your ass, keep a paper trail, save emails, etc. until you are able to make a clean break.

If this is a hobby or interest group or a place of worship that is harboring this abuser, find a new group.

You should not need to explain to another adult human why you deserve to be treated with dignity; if you find yourself begging for your basic humanity from someone, be it a narcissist or a flying monkey, that person is not worth keeping in your life, they are sick and they need to be gone from your life.

Footnotes

[1]

What Is Mobbing at the Workplace?

=======================

In general, I’d have to say ‘no’. The only thing that you have control over is yourself—change your behavior, change your expectations, or change your environment by finding a different workplace.

Many businesses and industries are controlled by people who view narcissistic behavior as positive, and therefore reward narcissists with leadership roles. If you work for an industry or organization that accepts or encourages abuse and gaslighting as management tools, the narcissistic behavior will never end at that organization. It is a sick system[1]

If there is a particular person behaving badly towards you personally, that may end when the person is fired or leaves their job for another one elsewhere. If management and HR is responsive to your concerns and intervenes appropriately, that may be a good sign that the workplace is healthy and will probably do a good job of making a narcissist feel unwelcome & scooting them out the door. If you’ve found such a workplace, congratulations!

But, in my experience, he best way to end narcissistic behavior in your workplace is to find another workplace and to establish and maintain firm boundaries in your new workplace from day 1, hour 1 of your new employment. In my experience, a lot of abusive behavior from others starts as small violations that build and get worse as time goes on, a ‘slippery slope’ that may start with allowing a boss or coworker to take up 5 or 10 minutes of your lunch hour and ends years later with hours of unpaid overtime that you have slowly been manipulated into giving, or a completely out-of-whack work/life balance that leaves you exhausted and miserable and unable to pursue your own happiness or interests outside of work.

If your new workplace has one narcissist, your early establishment of boundaries will keep that one away from you. If your new workplace is a toxic culture of narcissist soup, your firm boundaries will alert you to that fact and allow you to make a quick departure, hopefully without incurring too much damage.

You can always find new work, but you cannot take back days, months, or years given to a toxic system. It’s not easy to regain mental or physical health once a toxic situation has caused you harm. Better to move along as quickly as you can & take care of yourself and your own well-being. Money is easy to make, your time and health are priceless treasures to be guarded.

Footnotes

[1]

How to Keep Someone With You Forever

=======================

Why do narcissists and Cluster Bs do that thing on social media where they all comment on each other’s posts in a performative, grandiose, titilating swarm? Can we give it a name and start calling them out on this BS right there on the thread?

When a malignant narcissist rallies flying monkeys against a target to create an atmosphere of group bullying it’s called “mobbing”[1]

I do know the behavior you speak of, and it’s pretty odd and sick. The NPD will post some quote from the Dalai Lama or Mother Theresa or one of those ‘mommy needs wine’ or ‘I’m done with all the S**T today, the next person who talks to me will be killed” or some other ‘humorous’ threatening type message, and all of their social media followers will chime in with ‘Girl, same!’ or “Big Mood” or whatever. The way they heap over-the-top praise and compliments on the narc is pretty sickening. it’s like being an unwilling visitor to a mutual-masturbation party.

As far as calling anyone out on it, don’t waste your time. Social media is the narcissist’s paradise and their playground. Get out of the sandbox (which has become a litter box now that the narc is crapping there) and get some fresh air out in the real world. Leave the crap to the crappers and their flying monkeys who just love to spread it around and eat it up!

Footnotes

[1]

Mobbing - Wikipedia

========================

Do narcissistic bosses want to just bully you or do they want to bully you into leaving? If there is a difference, then what's the difference?

To a narcissist, everyone they meet is a tool or a threat. If they can’t bully you into being a quiet, obedient slave who will do everything they want and help them look good to their higher-ups* (*”Kiss Up, Kick Down” is a motto written by and for Narcissists!), they’ll see you as a threat and want want to bully you until you leave.

Basically, the behavior of the Narcissist won’t change, either way. They will be ugly and mean and nasty to you either way. They want to either break you down until you are a slave, or beat you up, ruin you, or destroy you if you won’t ‘bend the knee.’

The only way to be a threat and have the narcissist NOT attack you directly is to be their superior within the workplace organization—if you are the CEO and they are a middle manager, they may work against you behind the scenes with gossip and smear campaigns, but they won’t attack or bully directly.

If you have a bully for a boss, the only control you have in the situation is to leave as quickly as you can. If you try and document bullying events and behavior to take to HR, you will likely find that HR is a pack of flying monkeys who will do whatever they can to protect the company from liability and protect that boss from consequences. HR is not there to protect employees, they are there to protect the company and the status quo.

Put out resumes, let your friends and professional network know that you are open to new opportunities, and GTFO as quick as you can..

========================

I think it’s a very good idea to refuse a gift from a narcissistic boss.

Most organizations have rules or guidelines about accepting gifts, period. As an example, I worked for an office where a gift that is below $5 in value can be given or accepted without violating that employer’s ethics guidelines. So if you need an ‘out’ for not accepting his or her gift, you can mention whatever workplace rules there may be about gift-giving.

If the boss is giving the whole team a gift and the gifts are all relatively equal in value & don’t violate your workplace rules about gifting, it may be easier to accept the gift graciously, give the boss the ego-boosting thanks and praise, and then if you don’t like it or don’t want it, regift or take home and throw away.

If the boss won’t take ‘no’ for an answer or gets nasty about the gift in any way, document the incident carefully and seek a meeting with HR. You are right to be cautious; the narcissist’s behavior is generally a slippery slope, where your boundaries will be tested often to see if they will stretch or break.

The more nonsense you tolerate, the more nonsense the narcissist will try and throw at you until it becomes ridiculous and unbearable, but at that point you may have allowed unethical things to happen for such a period of time that you may have endangered your career and professional reputation. So it’s best to nip these things in the bud, keep things polite and professional, do not participate in gift exchanges if they make you uncomfortable, document any retaliation or other negative behavior from your boss and look for a new job ASAP because eventually working for or with a narcissist is toxic.

=========================================

Editing to add: Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com. They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here.

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.

If you have a big fight with a boss having NPD, due to calling her out on long-term inappropriate behaviour (intimacy issues), and just stay no-contact after being fired, also showing forgiveness for what happened, will she ever stop hating you?

No, a narcissist will never stop hating you. Hate is their default mode. Under every other emotion and behavior in the narcissist’s tool box, is hate. They hate other people for having what they don’t have, they hate other people for not giving them enough time, attention, gifts, resources that they feel they ‘deserve,’ they hate the people who DO give them time, energy, and gifts because they know they are tricking and fooling the person into caring about them, so their contempt turns to hate. And, truly, underneath it all, they hate themselves.

There is nothing you can do, say, or give to a narcissist that will ever make them happy, content, joyful, or grateful. Hate is all they are and all they have inside them. Best for you to stay no-contact and get on with your healing and forming new associations with people who are not hateful and crazy.

==============

Editing to add: Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com. They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here.

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.

Absolutely! Intelligence is completely independent of pathology—think of the fictional Doctor Hannibal Lecter,

[1]

for example. Intelligence, in terms of the ability to reason, plan, problem-solve, read and comprehend information, recall facts and dates, and infer data, is completely independent of emotional depth or empathy.

[2]

The worst narcissists I’ve ever met are highly educated, very book-smart people. They are well-read and well-informed on current events and whatever subjects have caught their attention over the years. They are good at getting the big picture and convincing people that they are ‘expert’ at whatever topic because they’re able to capture main concepts and present collections of buzz words with a great deal of confidence and personal authority. Someone who is not well-read or expert at the subject at hand will tend to assume that the narcissist is what they say they are--an expert-- and defer to their presumed authority on the subject.

Please do not confuse emotional intelligence

[3]

with the kind of cleverness, book smarts, or pop culture references that a narcissist can present in lieu of actually having any sort of real humanity.

Footnotes

[1]

Hannibal Lecter - Wikipedia

[2]

Emotional intelligence vs. intellectual intelligence: Where do you stand?

[3]

13 Signs of High Emotional Intelligence

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

The Importance of Money

We cannot afford to allow our focus in life to be money. That will not lead us into the abundance we're seeking. Usually, it will not even lead to financial stability.

Money is important. We deserve to be paid what we're worth. We will be paid what we're worth when we believe we deserve to be. But often your plans fail when our primary consideration is money.

What do we really want to do? What do we feel led to do? What are our instincts telling us? What do we feel guided to do? What are we excited about doing? Seek to find a way to do that, without worrying about the money.

Consider the financial aspects. Set boundaries about what you need to be paid. Be reasonable. Expect to start at the bottom and work up. But if you feel led toward a job, go for it.

Is there something we truly don't want to do, something that goes against our grain, but we are trying to force ourselves into it "for the money"? Usually, that's a behavior that backfires. It doesn't work. We make ourselves miserable, and the money usually goes wrong too.

Money is a consideration, but it cannot be our primary consideration if we are seeking spiritual security and peace of mind.

Today, I will make money a consideration, but I will not allow it to become my primary consideration. God, help me be true to myself and trust that the money will follow.

You are reading from the book:

The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

The Language of Letting Go © 1990 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the permission of Hazelden.

The week ahead, from wheresthemoon.com:

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TAURUS AND TAURUS RISING

Some people believe all you think about is money. This is so wrong. What you do care about is your earthly pleasure. It’s not really about the money at all. Many Tauruses don’t hoard their cash and sit their counting it. You have to enjoy life, and, like it or not, it costs money. So you should be happy as a clam now that at last there is some hope that the cash will flow in a little more easily thatn it has over the past year and a half, and your worldly existence will be relatively free from the feeling of being squeezed and have to borrow against your own future and juggle and be dependent on others. Work and health have been your major concerns. You’ve had to struggle to survive. Pleasure. That’s your thing.Said it before, but now definitely not kidding. Take your SATURN IN LIBRA message and taack it on your wall until October. if you do not have it, get it now.Y

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GEMINI AND GEMINI RISING

Dealing with the feelings that lie deep under the surface is not easy for anybody. It’s much more comfortable to make snappy jokes and keep conversations from getting dangerously close to the bone. you’re as capable as anybody else of feeling deeply. You’re often thought of as the chit chat type. We should not diminish the value of being able to lighten the mood both at cocktail parties and in the middle of a war. It’s a talent, not a kooky defense against the expression of real emotion. We’ve all had that experience of coming out with an inappropriate response at an embarrassing moment. You enter a funeral of a loved one and something moves you to giggle. Or, in the midst of a passionate embrace, you think, "Oh ,I forgot to call Jake and move the meeting to eleven o’clock." While that sort of disconnect can be most irritatingly It is the power to laugh. It is your ability to master the diversionary tactic. Right now it is most useful. The direct motion of Venus in Gemini restores confidence in yourself and be able to shore up any relationship. You’ve had a pretty crappy time of it–health, self-image, etc, but now you can jettison the feeling of unworthiness and be able to relate to yourself with more love. You need it, mainly because love is the object, but ..........Said it before, but now definitely not kidding. Take your SATURN IN LIBRA message and taack it on your wall until October. if you do not have it, get it now.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Location: home.