evile: (Default)
 September 11. A terrible day. I remember the shock and confusion, not knowing why it happened or who was behind the attacks. I also remember the amazing spirit of the people. The communities coming together to help and mourn and comfort one another. The outpouring of love from people around the world who felt compassion and empathy, who shared our sorrow and lent a hand.
There are more good people in the world than there are evil ones. We have so much in common with one another.
Then, as today, we did not have leadership that was intelligent, experienced, or capable enough to meet the moment with grace, spirit, and kindness. We have leadership that wants us fearful, angry and divided against one another.
I remember September 11 as a day we stood united with all the good people and all the love and goodwill and caring of the planet focused on the city of New York and the people of the United States, and I want the world we could have had if our leaders had risen to the moment and built something good with all that love. We still can.

The Oligarch, billionaires, robber barons, the wealthy and evil and powerful among us, tell us that Empathy is a Sin, that kindness and compassion are despicable, weakness, errors to be rooted out.

I've heard that shit before--from narcissistic abusers who have no capacity for empathy or kindness or full human emotions. I didn't believe them, and I don't believe it now, coming from the wealthy and powerful rulers of the earth.

Empathy and kindness and compassion for one another will save us and heal us and make a better world for everyone *except* the narcissistic abusers. Terrorists. Evildoers, as Dub the Shrub would say.

 
evile: (reading)
I read about this the other day, sent it to Sam in case she finds it interesting. she said "oh,no there's a waiting list," and I said something like "Oh, but you might want to adopt her business model,"

I don't know if it's more or less work to run a small tiny home/trailer park than it would be to own a 3 or 4 plex and have tenants.  Or what the work vs. possible income potential would be like for either scenario.   Just hoping she'll keep thinking about her future and what she might want to do.

I think I'd like a tiny home community, not necessarily all women but maybe all adults,or all adults over a certain age? 

There definitely needs to be more housing options for people, that are cost efficent and offer some sense of community; I think a lot of people feel isolated and lonely. I don't think it's just me.

I looked at Belize real estate/home listings for a long time lastn ight/early this morning.....I am newly motivated to declutter and maybe start seriously thinking about what I would want to take with me down there and what I'd need to  get rid of.

I hear there's a good system of just going into a room with X number of boxes labeled : Keep, donate, trash, and ..? garage sale/sell? and or undecided. Honestly I cant' remember what the box labels are supposed to be...I'd have to look up that article or that book again.

The idea of having a garage sale is a bit daunting, I am moving more towards 'trash' on things that are too weird to donate.
evile: (taurusgirl)
My sister H called me day before yesterday about trying to get the inheritance settled; apparently Mom and Stepdad G not only made H. their Executor and medical, financial, and legal power of attorney, they also made her the sole heir with the understanding or instructions that she'd be in charge of dividing up whatever was left after they were both gone. She's talked with the trust that is holding the bulk of the money, Mom and G's lawyers, tax people, and her husband who is a financial advisor...and it looks like the way it is set up its' going to take a huge chunk in taxes. So to offset that she wanted to put it into a 6 month CD to gather some interest and then disburse it, so April-ish? I told her thats' fine and I trust her and I want her to do whatever is best for her own finances, first, because she's taken up such responsibility and it really is her call how to handle it. She doesn't even want to give herself a stipend as the executor, which is really normal and I feel totally fair since she's done and is doing so much work to take care of Mom and G and their stuff and everything.

I'm worried about getting together enough $ for annual property taxes in January. I've had a couple of interviews. The most recent one, I wont' be hearing one way or the other until late this month, so that's not going to be a lot of time to scrape together 6 or 7 grand for end of January. Thax says not to worry, he's going to be able to take care of it. But he's already taken on pretty much everything but the weekly groceries for dinner and I am feeling like an absolute burden. He insists I'm not. But everything is getting more and more expensive and I do worry.

I reread part of my journal from 2016 when El Stinko Pendejo The Clown won the 2016 election. I took a cruise to be out of the country on inauguration day, I had a bad feeling about it. Turns out my bad feeling was right, just too early.

Looking at Belize real estate listings. Found one in Toledo that I really really like. over 21 acres, lots of fruit and cacao trees, and a creek with swimming holes and stairs already built down to the water. The house itself is a 'palapa' but has electricity and starlink satellite for internet. $160,000.

I really need to get off my ass and get my 'QRP' [qualified retired person] status squared away--you have to be 45 or older and have proof of a minimum monthly income so that you won't be trying to take away any Belizean jobs. You can start a business in Belize as a QRP person, though. And once you have your QRP, you can import all your stuff & your car duty-free. 160K is high.

I guess I'm getting some lotto tickets tomorrow, lol.

Anyhoo...life is oK. I'm actually tired. I have some hives that keep coming back every morning on my left inner elbow, where it bends. I don't know if I'm getting sweaty in the night and getting a heat rash (I kind of sleep with my arms curled up) or if it's a reaction to the Lithium Orotate that I started taking. I took it two nights in a row and had the rash, so I am quitting and hopefully it will go away. No other symptoms as far as I can tell.


I also remembered that I have been forgetting to take Tesofensine (triple reuptake inhibitor) for ....well, probably since I went to CO in late april to help Sam pack and move back to TX. So...hey, maybe take that thing that keeps me from being so terribly depressed and crazy and has a nice side effect of curbing my appetite and helping me not overeat and not snack endlessly? yeah.....maybe get back on that.

I had a job interview via Microsoft Teams this week; it went OK but not super great. I dont' think I'm going to get it, but they said they would be interviewing for a couple more weeks so I won't know until almost end of sept.  unemployment is going up and the job market is shrinking.  I've put in for a few more things this week, feeding that pipeline as Thax calls it. sigh. Feeling pretty worthless and useless and like a burden. It sucks. I have paranoia that Thax wants to divorce.  I would be sad but I would understand; I'm not very good to be around right now with my head up my ass and all. He isn't getting his needs met. I am so fucked in the head that I can't even identify whether or not I even have any needs. Or wants. Or anything. Come on  Giant Asteroid!!! (also can I say I hate that I am apparently turning in to my mom? My l knee and r ankle hurt almost constantly and I have started walking like I remember her walking,, kind of a stiff weeble wobble waddle, I'm negative and miserable and self involved and all I want to do is be dead. How fucking tedious. shut up. get a fucking job. do something productive with your time. clean house. just something. Pack for Belize. goddamn.)

blah blah

Aug. 27th, 2025 01:22 pm
evile: (hedgehog1)
Did pretty good with the insomnia last night--took a Solaray Sleep 17 + kava with my bedtime vitamins and crashed out for an hour. I woke back up and stayed awake for a bit, then forced myself to just lay in the dark with my eyes closed. Right ankle throbbing and sending sharp pains when moved to certain positions. I must have gone back to sleep from sheer boredom at some point.

Up at 7:30 with the alarm, kissed and hugged Thax 'bye, then went back to bed, woken up by the phone--got an interview scheduled for early Sept so that was cool. washed and dressed, started a load of laundry, walked and fed dogs, ate breakfast and drank coffee and took vitamins. Now comes the 3-4 hour portion of the day where I sit in front of my computer and look at jobs, get distracted by memes & various social media posts, and cry.

I got a scam email today, it was pretty slick--they'd copied the legit company's letterhead and logo, but the wording was strange and they wanted me to download an app called 'signal' and add so-and-so into my contacts. I'm not sure what the eventual payoff for them would be, in running such a scam. Maybe just harvesting my data and using it for further scamming elsewhere? I have no idea. It was weird. So I found the legit company and emailed them using their 'contact us' page to let them know that someone may be impersonating them for scams.

And I got a call from a recruiter (Indian) who spoke excellent english but very fast. At first he said yes when I asked if he was affiliated with the recruiter I'd already talked with about the same position he was calling about, then he said he was not affiliated, but it was OK for me to fill out the same info with him and his company since we were 'just talking' and no offer had been made (one of the forms is a 'right to represent' which seemed to me like a one contractor-one staffing company kind of deal, but he assured me it was ok) and then he finished up th e call with very fast talking that I hardly understood , something to the effect of only talking with him about this job from now on, not talking to the other guy. It all felt very unsavory and sketchy. The job itself, aside from being a long contract (12 months) and good pay ($25/hr) is at a big tech 'fruit' place that I've temped at before and didn't love. It was a job and it's money but my heart isn't set on it by any means. The only personal plus it might have is that one of my colleagues from my former contract is now working there, and I did love working with her so it would be fun to reconnect.

I miss working. I miss having a life. I miss having disposable income. I miss my family and my friends. I miss everything and it's just drifting further and further away and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to reconnect & plug back in.

Cousin B is going back to the PNW, leaving Thursday to drive back. He's got nothing there. His house is being leased out by a property management co so he can't live there, he's got a friend who is 'looking for a place' and has said it's cool if B and his dog live with him and his dog... but t hat's pretty tenuous. He had an interview last week but hasn't heard back so he's not going up to a guarantee of a job. My aunt L and uncle B. are bankrolling him, so maybe it's worth it for their peaceful life if he isn't living with them anymore. I think his dog was stressing out their cats. *eyeroll*

Anyhoo.....I had thought to drive with him up there and fly back *if* he had gotten the job offer, and *if* he had started driving even as late as today but I have stuff going on here on Sat that I already bought tickets for, and now this job interview next week, so I won't be road tripping with him. Probably for the best.

Life is life.... I can't say much more about it than that.
evile: (cruise)
Unemployment continues
job applications continue
hot weather continues
feed dogs walk dogs
housework (not as much as I should)
make dinner for household
feed dogs walk dogs
TV
insomnia
depression


Housemate hasn't wanted to try the new pool up the street and I've only been once without her. On the plus side, she's started to think about what she might like to do next with her life, rather than talking about suicide. She is considering buying a 3 or 4 plex and using the rent from the units she's not living in to pay her way. That seems sensible.

I spend a lot of time making wish lists in my head for when I am employed and making money again.

$ for property tax
pepita x ray and 2nd opinion & possible hip dysplasia surgery if needed
new floors
mini split units for bedrooms
new roof
new garage door

& just because as long as I'm wishing may as well be silly and wacky
swim spa
halotherapy/red light booth


My father died 13 years ago today. I was at Here There Be Monsters Con with Thax and Flavio (aka moochy bachelor) when I got the news. The photos of me from that day are surreal. all dressed up, empty eyes.
evile: (Mermaid)
Adding this one to the wish list:

https://fitmaxipool.com/shop/fitmax-therapy-pool/


I've spent the morning being productive. Debating whether or not to go to Colony Park Pool.

Hurricane Erin isn't sending much rain our way but there are vague chances today and tomorrow; so maybe no swimming.

I am dog-sitting for my cousin B. until Saturday night or Sunday morning. He's flying out today for an interview back in Oregon. He has decided to move back there if he can get a job squared away. Apparently has someone up there looking for a roommate and is prepared to continue his life of sobriety even without family in the nearby area. So that's good. He just needed some time to get his head straight, I guess.

Our housemate's dog Mr. Hyde sprained his ankle (?) or something while out on a walk last week so he's been staying home from walks and I've been giving him dog pain meds mornig and evening. He's putting weight on both back legs now, a little bit limpy but that is somehwat normal for him; he's probably 13-15 yrs old and a bit chubby so his back legs seem to give him a little bit of trouble until he's been up and walking around a bit. He pulls on the leash while out for walks, like the WHOLE time he's on a walk, and we think what happened was he injured himself by jumping and barking at another dog that was out on a walk , across the street from us. He wasn't really raised around dogs so he's really excited to see other dogs but doesn't really know how to make friends. We've tried to explain that straining at the end of your leash and screaming across the street "HI BE MY FRIEND NOW PLEASE!" is not really how its done. On the plus side, seeing him be so reactive seems to have curbed some of Sunny and Pepita's reactive behavior (now you see how ridiculous you look, girls?)

I had gotten Sunny to a good place but then when Pepita came to live with us, they ended up egging each other on and being fairly awful on leash.

Anyway, we are all making progress in our own little ways. Even Mr. Hyde isn't quite as crazed as he used to be.

He's fine at the dog park,btw. just trots around being a normal little guy.

dogs. bla bla. I know it's boring when other people go on and on about their pets

I dont' really have much else going on. feed dogs, walk dogs, look for work, clean house, cook dinner, feed dogs, walk dogs. It wouldnt' be a bad life if I had a bit more $ in the bank.
evile: (hedgehog1)
been hitting the pool in the park near my house every day with our housemate Sam. I have really started to enjoy that healthy habit

So of course the pool closed yesterday. mid august. 'for the winter' one supposes. Oh well. (it was 102 when I was out at the grocery store this afternoon. fml. )

There are a couple of year round pools open in this city, and a couple of them are even free.

I went to Colony Park Pool today. It was very paved. no shade. wading pool and water slide were closed, part of the pool were roped off and had caution tape (the stairs into the shallow end of the main pool, wtf.) And there were a ton of people in what little of the pool was available to use. So I walked back and forth in part of the shallow end and then I came home.

got groceries for dinners for the week.

New phone still isn't here yet. I wish I had thought to go into the Boost store and just get a new phone right away. But that ship has sailed. Now I'm just waiting for UPS.

got some lotto tix. We won $3 in Saturday's drawing, so I'm on a roll. lol.

Making a mental wish list of what I want to buy is fun.

New roof (metal?) and solar panels. House battery?
new flooring in house.
A fleet of Roombas
a little lap-walking pool & hot tub for the back yard. Maybe an infrared sauna and Halotherapy booth while I"m at it. LOL.
xeriscaping
mini split units for each bedroom
gas stove
An Electric Cadillac.

Anyway, back here in RL, I've applied for a few jobs, did dishes, swept and mopped the floor, got groceries, and went swimming. That's pretty good for today.
evile: (Default)
allergies continue; R. ear pops every time I swallow

going to the pool near the house for the last week or so with my housemate Sam. That's been nice. we walk in the shallow end back and forth for 30-40 min. They're closed Wednesday so I'll take tomorrow to run errands and wahtnot. Haircut.

Job interview 8/5. Its at a place pretty close to the house, pay is good. Job itself might be interesting.

ummm....I was going to write about something else. but I forgot what it was.
evile: (clutter)
feeling like crap the last few days; congested, wake up with a sore throat (probably from breathing with my mouth open all night due to congestion), headache, cough, stuffy ears, swollen lymph glands under my ears and neck... I took an old expired covid test a few days ago and it was negative. I've ordered a couple more to be delivered tomorrow morning. Just in case. I still have my sense of smell but I heard or read that the latest covid variant doesn't have the loss of smell as one of the symptoms. And it's a lot more contagious than previous versions....which means that if it was covid I'm sure others in the house would have it.?

I dunno.

Anyway, I feel like shit. Haven't done much today other than drink coffee, and feed and walk dogs. Thax made banana bread and also made the coffee. Both good.

I am also sad and angry with myself for (once again, as usual) allowing fear to delay my helpful impulses until it was too late.

There was a little skunk stuck in an open pipe along our walking route. For a couple of days, the dogs kept getting excited about the hole in the ground but I pulled them away. Finally last night I looked in and saw a small skunk. I planned out my strategy and went to the hole today armed with gloves, wearing a swim mask and a trash bag with a head-hole cut out. But the skunk was dead. I should have gone back last night after taking the dogs home ... I didn't want to get bitten or sprayed so I delayed. And didn't even bother to look at what the dogs were keying in on for a few days before that. :(

I am sad. and my head hurts and my nose is itchy and uncomfortable inside. (dried out from medicine but still congested, somehow??? wtf.)
evile: (lamson)
job hunt continues.

I had an online questionnaire and prerecorded interview for a position with an insurance company near the house, I got that done yesterday. I loathed recording myself. And there was no way to blur the background.

If/when I get a rejection note, I'll be sure to bring up my concerns re: privacy & ask what their storage, retention, and disposal policies are regarding the video interviews they obtain, and let them know that I'm not comfortable with the idea of them keeping or using my material for any reason, especially not for 'training' AI.

if/when I get an in person interview, I will raise the same concerns. perhaps in a more conversational tone.

Seems to me that any company that is in the business of risk management (insurance) needs to think long and hard about things like that, and be more transparent when they are using those kinds of tools to screen applicants.

I am wondering if. in addition to the economy being weird because of El Stinko and his 'tariffs' and continued blundering with international relations, and in addition to all the weird scammers and likely resume-harvesters out there in job-hunt land, the fact that I'm over 50 is factoring in to this long period of unemployment.

I am slogging thru a 7 hr Excel Data Analysis video I found on Youtube. It is helping me. I need to start taking actual written notes in addition to just watching. The class material is in a zip file and winzip is $34/year subscription. Seems excessive for a single use of said zip, but that is the wave of the future--we won't own anything, we'll just be renting apps and software and everything else from a big company.

I went running around in the world today; tried to offload some 'witchy' books, I was hoping the local witch shop would have some kind of free libary/sit and read/lounge type area but I didn't see anything like that. Maybe the Vortex theatre will have something like that? I dunno. And I tried to offload some coloring books I haven't touched in years at the Kava shop, because I seem to remember going there with friends some years ago and coloring and drinking kava and having a nice time, so I was gonna get a kava and sneak my books in to their pile...but then I got there and the kava place is closed for remodeling. Their Oak Hill location is still open though. But I don't feel like making that kind of drive.

Honestly I should just throw those books and coloring books away, or donate them to Goodwill even though part of my brain is going "no, they're too wierd/witchy, no one will adopt them from Goodwill"....I need to lose my attachment to my 'stuff' and not care what happens to it after it leaves my home. It's not making me happy, it's not my responsibility to find it a home where it will be appreciated and loved, it's my job to make my home a place that isn't cluttered with things that dont' make me happy.

sigh. I have fucking brainworms when it comes to 'stuff' and 'clutter' and all that bullshit. throw it away. run away. die.

I just want to be done with everything.
evile: (Default)
It's been a long time since I made any future plans. I used to survive my state job by always having something nice planned to look forward to.

Anyway, I booked a 10 day cruise for next October, it goes to Jamaica AND Belize. Two of my favorite places on Earth (so far)

I'm excited.

https://w2.countingdownto.com/6409823
evile: (Default)
 my mom died

I am unemployed

Plumbing project is happening in our front yard; poop pipe was about to crumble to dust and needed replacing.  It got started and mostly done this week but inspector couldn't be found until after the holiday weekend so we have open stinky pipes out front that will get inspected and buried soon. good because it reeks.

Texas is flooding

The Fucking Government just voted to enact a police state with a budget bigger than many countries' military budget. In addition to fucking over poor kids, poor people in general, and just basically giving all their power away to the president. The supreme court already gave their power to the president as well.

I don't really know what else to say about anything.

Husband has been off work all week.  It has been nice but I also realize that I don't get as much done around the house when he is here. I feel like (and it is probably not true, but it feels like) he follows me around nagging and correcting me whenever I am doing things. So I just prefer not to do things when he's here.  I don't think this is true. But I feel nagged and judged and it's hard to do things when one is  feeling that way.

I got a text from my retina doctor that I need a checkup.

I have a dentist appointment next week for a checkup/cleaning. 

Life is continuing in a very small way.  

I have just kept it small since 2016 and even smaller in 2020 and after.

My friend Sam who lost her husband last year and had a bad fall this year has moved to TX with us. Various fuckeries with the original homebuyers and scheduled movers made it so that her shitty druggy neighbors stole most of what she had, basically everything she and I packed. She has a few pieces of furniture that made it to  TX and are in storage. She has what we managed to stuff into her tiny Toyota Echo, her two cats, and her dog. And that's it.    My heart hurts for her and I feel as though I failed in trying to help her. 

I don't really know what else to say.  Sad angry numb aging failing weak

that's pretty much it.


blah.

Jun. 16th, 2025 05:59 pm
evile: (Default)
My mother has been dead for 11 days.

My sister proposed that we plan to meet and scatter her and my stepdad's ashes in October at Enchanted Rock.
I am OK with that. I would like it better in spring with the wildflowers, but October is my stepdad's birth month, and weatherwise it ought to be fine either day.

I'm still out of work; I got a text from a recruiter that says the last place I completed a contract will be hiring a new batch of temps soon, so thats' in the pipeline.

I interviewed for another job, commuting to south austin for $20/hr. It didn't sound great but it sounded OK. Was told the job would be starting in 2-3 weeks, but the day after the interview (Thursday) they said I'd need to start the following week and wanted me to go do a drug test and start the background check. Only problem was my car had just gone into the shop and I hadn't heard back about what was wrong with it nor how long it would take to fix. I could have committed to a start date 2 weeks from then, obviously, but not 3 business days.

Dicking around with the data analyst course; I'm retaking the Excel portion to make sure it goes through my brain properly....

I am not thinking very well lately. I'm not grieving or angry or anything..just blank and blah.

doesnt' help that iran and israel are trading missiles and India and Pakistan are lining up behind their respective 'allies'....would be stupid to start a new job and get nuked

things feel pointless.

but I need to get my head out of my ass.

Death

Jun. 5th, 2025 02:41 pm
evile: (taurusgirl)
 My mother died sometime  this morning, official time of death was pronounced at 8something AM, but my sister said she was gone before that, in her sleep.

I had insomnia last night (been a lot of that lately)...I finally switched off the computers and phone screens around 1am and just forced  myself to lay in bed, hot  bored and uncomfortable, just laying there, doing nothing, until I guess I finally went to sleep. Sometime while it was still dark and before Thax's 6am alarm, I woke up to the sound of humming, and something that sounded kind of like native american chanting, low male voice or voices in an eerie, strange melody. There didn't seem to be a pattern or a repeated line or chorus or anythng, just louder and softer, higher and  lower notes, humming/chanting I don't know if my brother A. was awake and playing music in his room, or if it was that thing where your mind wants to interpret odd sounds as music or voices. It could have just as well been the sound of the fan combining with the sound of the dog snoring.

Anyway....I listened for a while and it did occur to me at the time that my mother might be passing at that exact moment. I won't ever have a way of knowing and it doesn't matter.

I was thinking, back in mid May that my mom might die on my bday. When that day passed, I saw that the full  pink moon is on my sister's bday this year--June 11, and I felt pretty sure that mom would go on June 11. But she surprised me and died on my SIL "Skye"'s bday.

A few times it's occurred to me that my mom might have wanted a daughter more like Skye than like me; many of the gifts mom sent over the years were in purple (Skye's color, NOT mine), small (Skye's feet are sz 7, mine are 9, her fingers and wrists are smaller than mine, and mom has sent shoes and jewelry that were those sizes and in fashions more suited to Skye than to me. Gifts of tarot cards and witchy images, western/horsey things, candles, etc. She once sent me a wierd 'witch box' that she probably found in a thrift store but was apparently part of some kind of 'occult' themed subscription box....anyway... many presents over the years that were nothing to do with my taste or style or size, and more suited to Skye.   To be sure, mom also recognized that Skye was a bitch, who was mean to  people and animals, and dishonest, and cruel.... but I think mom really was enchanted with the witchy, horsey, magickal part of Skye's personality.... and it's possible that if Skye had grown up with a momo like mine, she might have not turned out so mean and bad.... I dunno. something I thought of as I realized the significance of today being a certain birthday and a certain death day. I think Skye and my mother both shared a sense of contempt for me being a dull bureaucratic wage slave for so long. I did creative and fun things in my 'real life' spare time, and did not give any of my creative spirit to work and maybe that was a bad or stupid compromise, and maybe it was or is contemptible. Skye has insisted on being a 'successful' independent' 'businesswoman' and living life on her own terms despite the fact that her husband and her partner do the majority of the heavy lifting to make her 'successful'....maybe mom saw herself in that, as she was an 'independent' woman who went and lived on the rez and taught native kids while her husband provided support from afar. She certainly would not have been able to do that without someone keeping a 'home base' and doing a lot of work in the background to let her do what she wanted to do.

I don't have much in the way of grief, now or maybe ever. During the early days of my brother A's incarceration, we had some words and I realized that I can love someone and still not like them very much.  The Xmas we went up and got snowed in, the visit was nice for a while but then Mom got sick of having me around and started in on the passive aggressive shitty behavior, which Thax saw for the first time and realized why I don't love my mom as much as everyone else seems to.   But then he and Mom both decided that they don't remember any of that and Mom rewrote that visit as a wonderful time for everyone that we should all get together and do again, while my own avoidant/dissociaitive tendencies kept me from rememberig it clearly..but still not wanting to accept the gaslighting "oh that didn't really happen//oh that wasn't as bad as you feel (can't remember) it was" ... I don't think Thax has a great memory, either. But him trying to minimize how bad that situation felt for me after the fact while seeming to acknowledge it being bad at the time it was happening...sits wrong with me, even now.    Mom tried to kill herself in....2022? early 2023? before she broke her hip and after she realized that her mental capacity was slipping and she was losing the ability to do things like drive, type, read, write, etc.  She tried to kill  herself sometime in her teens to. There may have been other attempts I don't know about.  She has wanted to be dead for as long as I can remember. And now she is dead. I hope she is at peace.  And I have to be, too. For the parenting I got, even if it wasn't what child-me wanted or needed, it's all there is. All there was. All they had to give, as deficient as it was for child-me.  And now they're all gone.




evile: (Default)
My sister H. just called. The hospice worker let her know that mom is officially in "transition"...she hasn't been eating or drinking for a while, isn't terribly responsive to anything, not even her usual 'no' to questions and small laugh when people say something interesting or funny.

So my mom will be dying soon. Physically. She's been gone mentally for a while now.

My sister H says her main emotions are gratitude (for being able to spend time and care for mom these last cople of months) and relief. Also kind of scared. But she says she doesn't want or need anyone to fly up immediately or anything, she feels OK to handle it. I told her I'm not working and I can be there if she needs me.

Her daughter (my niece) and husband (my brother in law), are about to take a trip to Japan together. H. didn't want to go, I don't know if it was because she felt she had to stay and take care of mom or just really isn't interested in the culture shock experience....but now maybe she will. I'll tell her that I'm happy to go up and house and dog sit for her if she wants to go to Japan, if the timing works out.

I dont' know what else to say or think. I'm sure there is a small frightened child who is very sad, here inside myself somewhere...but adult me is good and done.

And I had a dream last night about winning a lotto scratch off. LOL. Kinda maybe. There should be some inheritance, but I am not a greedy vulture like that. So I don't know what that dream was about. Just brain doing brain things, I guess.

anyhoo... :/ thoughts and prayers. We all die, as Ms. Ernst so kindly put it.
evile: (clutter)
well, I had an entry but then it was inadvertently deleted as I was typing it. probably for the best. bunch of nonsense and bitching.

birthday was alright. brunch with my aunt L. Dinner with my husband, a comedy of errors/crowds/bad timing/bad waitstaff. Makes me remember why I dont' really like going out in the world anymore.

still looking for work; have lost the thread on my data analyst bootcamp and hte instructor is back on the  'post shit to linkedin' tack instead of the 'how to do data' stuff, and I am kinda done with that. Anything about making content and liking other people's content gives me flashbacks to the early 2000s(?) when everyone was blogging and promoting other bloggs and that whole "make money writing blogs and promoting other peoples blogs" wierd stuff. Seth somebody? Godin? Grodin? and Pace and her crew....washerwomen taking in each others' laundry. I'm sorry but it's a closed system and money needs to be entering from *somewhere* in order to make you successful. Not buying it, not selling it, not interested in it at all. If I'm writing for a living might as well try writing a book or something, which I'm also not going to do.   Anything I've ever done for fun and then tried to do for money instantly became a huge drag, not to mention not successful at making me money, so why ruin my fun for nothing.

Anyhoo...brother A. has started a new job. Cousin B. is looking for work and interviewing and hedging his bets by not selling his house in OR just in case he gets a job u p there....with no friends, no family, no sanity, no support system against his addictions... I don't know why he's not done with OR but he's just ...not. He had an interview here in town on Mon and didn't get it. He didn't say anything more about it. Weird.

My sister H . called yesterday and we talked. Apparently people in hospice can pretty much ask their dr for any and all drugs and get them. I'm sure there's a huge bunch of scammy scandal going on with that industry. Not my mom and sister of course because they're honest decent people....but the industry in general seems ripe for druggie scumbags.

We're full up on fascism here in the US. Makes it hard to try and keep doing normal things like a normal person, but that's been life since, what, 2016, basically.  Keep pretending that the horrible shit that is happening is somehow normal and acceptable because there seems to be fuck-all all anyone can do about it. The institutions  and individuals that were supposed to be protecting the constitution and rule of law have rolled over on their backs and peed themselves.



that's about it.

Life

May. 15th, 2025 11:53 am
evile: (taurusgirl)
Well, I turn 55 next week. My aunt L. wants to take us to dinner to celebrate and I have to pick a place. I am just not feelin' it but I guess I need to pick *something*. bleh.

Mom is with sister H. at her house in Bloomington, IN.  Mom spends most of her time asleep, eating little, is starting to see people who arent' there ("Granny"? None of her grandmothers were called 'granny' as far as I know. but...?)  She may pass soon. Not to be cruel or unfeeling but she's been ready for a while, and tried in 2022 or was it 2023? anyway. I just want her to be at peace.

Mothers day is always a reminder that she didn't have the life she wanted, the love she wanted, or the accomplishments she wanted, largely due to having children. Me, mostly, I guess, the start of her disappointments in life.  Abortion was illegal when I was conceived. I don't think I'll ever forget or forgive a system that robbed a woman of her life and autonomy and forced her to parent a child she and her partner didn't want to have and into trying to force a life together, a partnership that was unsuited to both of them. They did their best and maybe at some point decided that it was OK to have me, maybe even that they wanted and liked me...but it wasn't their choice. It was forced on them by the fucking government. So happy belated Mother's day, I guess. Glad and grateful for my fucked up reproductive system and getting sterilized at age 34 so I didn't have to do the same.

Still job hunting.

Our friend S.  has settled in to the front room/tent room with her two cats. Her dog has run of the house. The dogs got the door open once and chased one of the cats into the work/computer room where she hid in the corner until my brother A. could get under there and get her out. It was a stressful mess. S.  wanted to just leave the cat's bed and some treats in the room until the cat chose to come out but I was thinking "OK, but where is it going to piss/shit???" so for me, it wasn't an option to leave the cat in my work room until it felt like coming out. S is being a good guest, spending a lot of time resting and watching tv/movies in her room. Her dog is getting along well with our dogs and has enjoyed joining our walk routine. S. occasionally comes out and does marathon talking but it's more movies and trivia now than the first days of trauma-dumping about her childhood and stuff.  She's been alone in her house for a year since her husband died; I'm trying to give her as much patience and kindness as I can manage. I can't imagine losing everyone and everything that matters to you in one fell swoop like she has. 

It's gotten hot this week so we've been walking after supper instead of before. 

My knees, back, left heel, and ankles are in pain just about all of the time now. I wear 'incrediwear' knee and ankle supports to bed for healing; I generally do wake up feeling more OK ish than when I dont' wear them to bed. 

I've lost about 5 lbs in the last couple months. only 100+ more to go!LOLOLOLOL. not gonna happen.but I know that a great deal of my discomfort is due to carrying too much weight.

Our house is having plumbing issues. got a quote for 10K to fix it. The PVC piping used originally is not to current spec, it is weakening and sort of sagging. It's more of a flattened 0 shape rather than a round circle and will continue to collapse and crack until it's not useable and nothing goes through.  Part of the driveway needs to be dug up and repoured as well. Thax wants to get a couple more quotes before we make a decision but I suspect the work will need to be done sooner rather than later.

Anyhoo...

turns out that the position I was offered FT/Permanent in Feb (and turned down due to already accepting the 6 month remote contract that ended early, and had been beating myself up over endlessly bla bla ) was 'sunsetted' just after the 6 week training period was over. The options were to apply for other positions at the company, accept transfer to Accounts Receivable and after a 3 week 'try out' period, either be accepted full time in AR, or get a severance.
 
So I guess I'm glad I didn't go thru all that. I would have had some bux in the bank after 6 weeks of that fat salary but not enough to really justify or make up for being jerked around and played like that.
 
The job hunt continues and the  data analyst course continues as well. onward.

S. suggests I offer dogsitting for a couple of extra dogs and take cash as my next career....It's tempting but our backyard really isn't secure.  

For my birthday/just cuz, I'm going to order a sample set from Maison des Animaux.
 
AurateThis is the classic amber. Sandalwood drenched, labdanum rich, vanilla sweetened. The most golden of gold fragrances.
BohemeBohème is lightly sweet, deep, warm, and unisex. It starts with labdanum, cinnamon, and toffee, and transforms into leather and a bit of smoldering pipe tobacco hovering above that perfect glass of bourbon. The drydown is a honied musk that is just delicious.
HolidayThe warm, honied musk of sun-kissed skin on a tropical beach. Solar and warm, subtle sweetness balanced with a warm hum of toasted coconut and spiced rum.
Le CirqueA riot of dark chocolate-covered espresso beans, toasted sugarcane, Mysore sandalwood, Haitian vetiver, and a puff off a Cuban cigar. This is a conversation over a late-night espresso that you never want to end. It is so fun, so rich, and entirely sexy.
Sirius : This is the sweetest Guatemalan cardamom, rare ruh khus vetiver, black keemun tea oil, and vanilla absolute from madagascar. Unisex and versatile, it starts bright and spicy and dries down into a warm, sweet, and rich woody musk. An olfactory cashmere sweater: warm, soft, a constant favorite.

evile: (clutter)
 well, they ended my contract. I had made plans to go with Thax to the Steampunk Galveston festival mid-April so needed to take a Friday off, which I let them know,a nd while we were driving, my recruiter assigned her coworker 'Zach' to call and give me the bad news. Turns out Zach was en route to a family funeral so we texted back and forth and I told him not to worry about me, I'm good with that.  The supervisor at the company never let me know that I was doing anything wrong, none of my errors (if any) in the training environment nor once we went 'live' were ever brought to my attention by anyone at the company, they just called and told my staffing agency to end my contract. The system itself was giving tons of errors after 'go live' date and one of the full time/permanent ladies I talked to said their whole team was only getting 4 or so orders entered per day due to all the system errors. There was a TEAMS chat setup all day every day for people to pop on when they were getting errors and talk with the IT support guys to fix things.  So it's possible they ended all the contract people just because their system wasn't ready to go 'live'. Very passive-aggressive, 'guess' culture, expected to mind read and 'just know' stuff, shitty training materials, it was just not a good place and I'll never work for that company nor that staffing agency again. I am mad at myself for going with them when I had a full time permanent offer in my hands...I had already 'committed' to their 6 month remote position so I felt obligated. fuck me and fuck them and fuck that. uggggh. stupid stupid.

I interviewed for another temp to hire (haha) 6 month hybrid position at the same place I worked from Aug-Feb. I thought it went OK but didn't feel super great about it. I haven't heard back. My recruiter went on vacation so it's likely that the people who were supposed to pick up her work while she was out of town didn't and she had a big pile of work to come back to. (familiar story from my days at the State!)

My friend Sam's husband died a year ago in March.  I went up there last year end of april ish with another friend and we kept her company for a while. She had a fall in March of this year and apparently got pretty messed up, concussion and stuff. She texted me out of the blue just after the time of the steampunk galveston event and let me know she was going to end her life.So I hauled ass to CO and helped her pack up for selling her house and now she's in Austin, staying with us for awhile. she has 2 cats and a little dog. the cats are staying in her room (the 'tent room') and the little dog has joined our pack. He's enjoying the routine of morning and evening walks with everyone.

I'm looking for work, keeping Sam company, doing a minimal amount of house cleaning. Sam is mostly staying to her room, sleeping and watching TV. She has headaches and may be dealing with other physical stuff from the fall. Definitely still grieving. Marathon talking at times. 

we will see how her life turns out. Once she gets her house in CO sold she will have some money. In a couple of years she'll be eligible to draw her husband's social security. she  won't have a ton of cash but she will have enough if she is able to get a plan together.  I am hoping that staying with us for a while without any stress will help her get her head on straight. who knows. 

life

Apr. 9th, 2025 10:00 am
evile: (taurusgirl)
 My sister H. came to TX and took my mom to live with her in Indiana. They bought a new house and have space for Mom to have her own 'suite'. It's nice, big airy and open, big sliding glass door out to a patio where there's a birdfeeder. Mom has her cat to snuggle and sleep with.  Mom was being taken care of at the care place here in Austin, the day to day staff that interacted with Mom were all great, but the owner was being a dick to Holly and it was $9000/month.(goddamn.)  H. got a CNA years ago and has worked in elder care. She also has a social work degree and worked in Title 10 services for a while, so she is very familiar with both the hands on aspects of what Mom needs, plus navigating all the legal stuff and working to get mom the best government programs and benefits.  My brother and Aunt L were visiting regularly (Brother A, every other day or so, Aunt L daily) and I was going on the weekends and taking our little dog Pepita who is a sweetie and a snuggler and mom always recognized her, knew her name, and was happy to see her.

So... that happened.

Meanwhile, my cousin B has bottomed out in his life in the pacific northwest; he was having issues with drugs and alcohol, feeling isolated, seasonal depression because there's no sunlight up there....so he's coming back to TX. He will be living with aunt L and uncle B who will be helping him out financially and helping him with his sobriety. Right now he's  back in OR, getting rid of all his stuff and selling his house, we are dog sitting, and  possibly when he's back in town and he and his pup are settled, I might drive the rest of mom's stuff to IN. Sister H. says mom has everything she needs, so it's up to me if I want to come visit and bring up the art and furniture we moved out of her room here in TX.

remote job continues. supervisor moved me from rekeying orders to migrating rekeyed orders to the new order entry system (onsite supervisor complained to my temp agency recruiter that I was asking too many questions and not using my training materials/notes before I kept asking the 'same question', so she moved me to a different task) ... so I'm caught up and the two people in rekey haven't done much in the last couple days.  At time of hire we were told there was a backlog of about 600 orders, so each of my coworkers needs to key at least 3 a day until end of contract, and I need to complete at least 6 a day by end of contract, just to get caught up. I had a couple of good days and now its gone flat.   Anyway. Trying to only care about what it is my power to do or change. 

I like working from home. When there's nothing to do I can theoretically go and get some work done around the house. Or work on my data analyst class.Still regretting that decision but hoping that the data analyst stuff comes together in my brain at some point.

I got a bluesky account. I am no longer receiving dopamine from social media posting or reading. Not sure why I am bothering with any of it.

I rode my ebike for the first time about a week ago. It was fun. Thax has healt insurance with his new job so he got a physical and such. His dr says better portion control, fewer carbs, and more cardio is needed. So hopefully we can build better habits together. As of now, we just walk dogs twice a day and that's about it for exercise. 

The stuff happening in this country is insane and disgusting....senseless tarriffs tanking the economy, massive layoffs of government employees, incompetent morons installed at high level positions, and the worst thing - deporting people without any due process to prison in El Salvador. You can't even call it 'deporting'. it's trafficking people to concentration camp in another country. how the fuck is any of this legal? it isnt! but no one is doing anything to stop it.

there was a mass protest on  4/5. counts are between 2 and 5 million people who participated.  will those translate to any effective action? we will see :/   

I just want el stinko to keel over and join his ancestors.  This whole shit show falls apart without him as the figurehead. There are evil and stupid people who will regroup and try again but no 'charismatic' figure to fall behind. 
evile: (taurusgirl)
So, I committed to this temp contract 2/18 (believing that the permanent job I'd  interviewed for was rescinded, having been told by my temp agency that the only thing available at the old place was another 6 month contract, which would require another interview)  and then I got a permanent offer 2/25 and for whatever reason, I felt a sense of loyalty to the temp contract and felt like I needed to keep my word. (why? I dunno.)
 
And I've been feeling like I closed that door to the last place forever.  I mean, it was a bad choice but I don't think I actually burned any bridges (?) so I think when I get close to or at the end of this contract I'll reach back out to the agency that placed me at my previous contract where I got the belated permanent offer and see if they have anything at that same place, maybe do another 6 months in contract and see if it goes 'contract to hire' like the last one said it might. get back in the door over there and try again. maybe. I am finishing data analyst bootcamp. And who knows we may all go up in nuclear fire before then so I won't have to worry about it or work anymore.

I am trying to find a way to give myself permission and be OK with 'not  keeping my word' when a situation comes up where I make an initial decision/give my word based on incomplete or bad information. I am trying to find a way to be OK with changing my mind and disappointing people when or if something happens that offers me a better option for *myself*.  I mean, why on earth did I have more loyalty and care for my temp agency recruiter than i did for my own future and finances and peace of mind?

the temp remote contract is cool because it's remote and so far easy. the money compared to the money I was making at the previous 6 month 'temp to hire' remote/hybrid is better when you think about the 3+ hrs week unpaid commute, gas, vehicle wear and tear.

*if* I had taken the full time permanent offer, the money was very good. but it was 6 weeks of in office and then back to the 3 days in office hybrid schedule.  It was business casual wardrobe requirements. It was a corporate culture that was ...inauthentic feeling, to me. (but wouldn't that be the case with *any* job? There's masking and faking in any workplace environment, but I didn't ever feel like I had to do anything that was absolutely distasteful or unethical)

Anyway.....I'm going to stick this contract out because I've committed to it and it should be pretty easy work once it gets going. and work on data analyst bootcamp. (having discovered in  research that I *should* have asked the instructor/owner what his students' completion rate was, having found that only about 15% of people finish one of these things)... anyway....mistakes are always being made. It's not the end of the world until Donald Fucking Trump tanks the economy and kills us all...Until then I have to keep making that dog food money.

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