evile

Did pretty good with the insomnia last night--took a Solaray Sleep 17 + kava with my bedtime vitamins and crashed out for an hour. I woke back up and stayed awake for a bit, then forced myself to just lay in the dark with my eyes closed. Right ankle throbbing and sending sharp pains when moved to certain positions. I must have gone back to sleep from sheer boredom at some point.

Up at 7:30 with the alarm, kissed and hugged Thax 'bye, then went back to bed, woken up by the phone--got an interview scheduled for early Sept so that was cool. washed and dressed, started a load of laundry, walked and fed dogs, ate breakfast and drank coffee and took vitamins. Now comes the 3-4 hour portion of the day where I sit in front of my computer and look at jobs, get distracted by memes & various social media posts, and cry.

I got a scam email today, it was pretty slick--they'd copied the legit company's letterhead and logo, but the wording was strange and they wanted me to download an app called 'signal' and add so-and-so into my contacts. I'm not sure what the eventual payoff for them would be, in running such a scam. Maybe just harvesting my data and using it for further scamming elsewhere? I have no idea. It was weird. So I found the legit company and emailed them using their 'contact us' page to let them know that someone may be impersonating them for scams.

And I got a call from a recruiter (Indian) who spoke excellent english but very fast. At first he said yes when I asked if he was affiliated with the recruiter I'd already talked with about the same position he was calling about, then he said he was not affiliated, but it was OK for me to fill out the same info with him and his company since we were 'just talking' and no offer had been made (one of the forms is a 'right to represent' which seemed to me like a one contractor-one staffing company kind of deal, but he assured me it was ok) and then he finished up th e call with very fast talking that I hardly understood , something to the effect of only talking with him about this job from now on, not talking to the other guy. It all felt very unsavory and sketchy. The job itself, aside from being a long contract (12 months) and good pay ($25/hr) is at a big tech 'fruit' place that I've temped at before and didn't love. It was a job and it's money but my heart isn't set on it by any means. The only personal plus it might have is that one of my colleagues from my former contract is now working there, and I did love working with her so it would be fun to reconnect.

I miss working. I miss having a life. I miss having disposable income. I miss my family and my friends. I miss everything and it's just drifting further and further away and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to reconnect & plug back in.

Cousin B is going back to the PNW, leaving Thursday to drive back. He's got nothing there. His house is being leased out by a property management co so he can't live there, he's got a friend who is 'looking for a place' and has said it's cool if B and his dog live with him and his dog... but t hat's pretty tenuous. He had an interview last week but hasn't heard back so he's not going up to a guarantee of a job. My aunt L and uncle B. are bankrolling him, so maybe it's worth it for their peaceful life if he isn't living with them anymore. I think his dog was stressing out their cats. *eyeroll*

Anyhoo.....I had thought to drive with him up there and fly back *if* he had gotten the job offer, and *if* he had started driving even as late as today but I have stuff going on here on Sat that I already bought tickets for, and now this job interview next week, so I won't be road tripping with him. Probably for the best.

Life is life.... I can't say much more about it than that.

Adding this one to the wish list:

https://fitmaxipool.com/shop/fitmax-therapy-pool/


I've spent the morning being productive. Debating whether or not to go to Colony Park Pool.

Hurricane Erin isn't sending much rain our way but there are vague chances today and tomorrow; so maybe no swimming.

I am dog-sitting for my cousin B. until Saturday night or Sunday morning. He's flying out today for an interview back in Oregon. He has decided to move back there if he can get a job squared away. Apparently has someone up there looking for a roommate and is prepared to continue his life of sobriety even without family in the nearby area. So that's good. He just needed some time to get his head straight, I guess.

Our housemate's dog Mr. Hyde sprained his ankle (?) or something while out on a walk last week so he's been staying home from walks and I've been giving him dog pain meds mornig and evening. He's putting weight on both back legs now, a little bit limpy but that is somehwat normal for him; he's probably 13-15 yrs old and a bit chubby so his back legs seem to give him a little bit of trouble until he's been up and walking around a bit. He pulls on the leash while out for walks, like the WHOLE time he's on a walk, and we think what happened was he injured himself by jumping and barking at another dog that was out on a walk , across the street from us. He wasn't really raised around dogs so he's really excited to see other dogs but doesn't really know how to make friends. We've tried to explain that straining at the end of your leash and screaming across the street "HI BE MY FRIEND NOW PLEASE!" is not really how its done. On the plus side, seeing him be so reactive seems to have curbed some of Sunny and Pepita's reactive behavior (now you see how ridiculous you look, girls?)

I had gotten Sunny to a good place but then when Pepita came to live with us, they ended up egging each other on and being fairly awful on leash.

Anyway, we are all making progress in our own little ways. Even Mr. Hyde isn't quite as crazed as he used to be.

He's fine at the dog park,btw. just trots around being a normal little guy.

dogs. bla bla. I know it's boring when other people go on and on about their pets

I dont' really have much else going on. feed dogs, walk dogs, look for work, clean house, cook dinner, feed dogs, walk dogs. It wouldnt' be a bad life if I had a bit more $ in the bank.

allergies continue; R. ear pops every time I swallow

going to the pool near the house for the last week or so with my housemate Sam. That's been nice. we walk in the shallow end back and forth for 30-40 min. They're closed Wednesday so I'll take tomorrow to run errands and wahtnot. Haircut.

Job interview 8/5. Its at a place pretty close to the house, pay is good. Job itself might be interesting.

ummm....I was going to write about something else. but I forgot what it was.

job hunt continues.

I had an online questionnaire and prerecorded interview for a position with an insurance company near the house, I got that done yesterday. I loathed recording myself. And there was no way to blur the background.

If/when I get a rejection note, I'll be sure to bring up my concerns re: privacy & ask what their storage, retention, and disposal policies are regarding the video interviews they obtain, and let them know that I'm not comfortable with the idea of them keeping or using my material for any reason, especially not for 'training' AI.

if/when I get an in person interview, I will raise the same concerns. perhaps in a more conversational tone.

Seems to me that any company that is in the business of risk management (insurance) needs to think long and hard about things like that, and be more transparent when they are using those kinds of tools to screen applicants.

I am wondering if. in addition to the economy being weird because of El Stinko and his 'tariffs' and continued blundering with international relations, and in addition to all the weird scammers and likely resume-harvesters out there in job-hunt land, the fact that I'm over 50 is factoring in to this long period of unemployment.

I am slogging thru a 7 hr Excel Data Analysis video I found on Youtube. It is helping me. I need to start taking actual written notes in addition to just watching. The class material is in a zip file and winzip is $34/year subscription. Seems excessive for a single use of said zip, but that is the wave of the future--we won't own anything, we'll just be renting apps and software and everything else from a big company.

I went running around in the world today; tried to offload some 'witchy' books, I was hoping the local witch shop would have some kind of free libary/sit and read/lounge type area but I didn't see anything like that. Maybe the Vortex theatre will have something like that? I dunno. And I tried to offload some coloring books I haven't touched in years at the Kava shop, because I seem to remember going there with friends some years ago and coloring and drinking kava and having a nice time, so I was gonna get a kava and sneak my books in to their pile...but then I got there and the kava place is closed for remodeling. Their Oak Hill location is still open though. But I don't feel like making that kind of drive.

Honestly I should just throw those books and coloring books away, or donate them to Goodwill even though part of my brain is going "no, they're too wierd/witchy, no one will adopt them from Goodwill"....I need to lose my attachment to my 'stuff' and not care what happens to it after it leaves my home. It's not making me happy, it's not my responsibility to find it a home where it will be appreciated and loved, it's my job to make my home a place that isn't cluttered with things that dont' make me happy.

sigh. I have fucking brainworms when it comes to 'stuff' and 'clutter' and all that bullshit. throw it away. run away. die.

I just want to be done with everything.

 my mom died

I am unemployed

Plumbing project is happening in our front yard; poop pipe was about to crumble to dust and needed replacing.  It got started and mostly done this week but inspector couldn't be found until after the holiday weekend so we have open stinky pipes out front that will get inspected and buried soon. good because it reeks.

Texas is flooding

The Fucking Government just voted to enact a police state with a budget bigger than many countries' military budget. In addition to fucking over poor kids, poor people in general, and just basically giving all their power away to the president. The supreme court already gave their power to the president as well.

I don't really know what else to say about anything.

Husband has been off work all week.  It has been nice but I also realize that I don't get as much done around the house when he is here. I feel like (and it is probably not true, but it feels like) he follows me around nagging and correcting me whenever I am doing things. So I just prefer not to do things when he's here.  I don't think this is true. But I feel nagged and judged and it's hard to do things when one is  feeling that way.

I got a text from my retina doctor that I need a checkup.

I have a dentist appointment next week for a checkup/cleaning. 

Life is continuing in a very small way.  

I have just kept it small since 2016 and even smaller in 2020 and after.

My friend Sam who lost her husband last year and had a bad fall this year has moved to TX with us. Various fuckeries with the original homebuyers and scheduled movers made it so that her shitty druggy neighbors stole most of what she had, basically everything she and I packed. She has a few pieces of furniture that made it to  TX and are in storage. She has what we managed to stuff into her tiny Toyota Echo, her two cats, and her dog. And that's it.    My heart hurts for her and I feel as though I failed in trying to help her. 

I don't really know what else to say.  Sad angry numb aging failing weak

that's pretty much it.

 My mother died sometime  this morning, official time of death was pronounced at 8something AM, but my sister said she was gone before that, in her sleep.

I had insomnia last night (been a lot of that lately)...I finally switched off the computers and phone screens around 1am and just forced  myself to lay in bed, hot  bored and uncomfortable, just laying there, doing nothing, until I guess I finally went to sleep. Sometime while it was still dark and before Thax's 6am alarm, I woke up to the sound of humming, and something that sounded kind of like native american chanting, low male voice or voices in an eerie, strange melody. There didn't seem to be a pattern or a repeated line or chorus or anythng, just louder and softer, higher and  lower notes, humming/chanting I don't know if my brother A. was awake and playing music in his room, or if it was that thing where your mind wants to interpret odd sounds as music or voices. It could have just as well been the sound of the fan combining with the sound of the dog snoring.

Anyway....I listened for a while and it did occur to me at the time that my mother might be passing at that exact moment. I won't ever have a way of knowing and it doesn't matter.

I was thinking, back in mid May that my mom might die on my bday. When that day passed, I saw that the full  pink moon is on my sister's bday this year--June 11, and I felt pretty sure that mom would go on June 11. But she surprised me and died on my SIL "Skye"'s bday.

A few times it's occurred to me that my mom might have wanted a daughter more like Skye than like me; many of the gifts mom sent over the years were in purple (Skye's color, NOT mine), small (Skye's feet are sz 7, mine are 9, her fingers and wrists are smaller than mine, and mom has sent shoes and jewelry that were those sizes and in fashions more suited to Skye than to me. Gifts of tarot cards and witchy images, western/horsey things, candles, etc. She once sent me a wierd 'witch box' that she probably found in a thrift store but was apparently part of some kind of 'occult' themed subscription box....anyway... many presents over the years that were nothing to do with my taste or style or size, and more suited to Skye.   To be sure, mom also recognized that Skye was a bitch, who was mean to  people and animals, and dishonest, and cruel.... but I think mom really was enchanted with the witchy, horsey, magickal part of Skye's personality.... and it's possible that if Skye had grown up with a momo like mine, she might have not turned out so mean and bad.... I dunno. something I thought of as I realized the significance of today being a certain birthday and a certain death day. I think Skye and my mother both shared a sense of contempt for me being a dull bureaucratic wage slave for so long. I did creative and fun things in my 'real life' spare time, and did not give any of my creative spirit to work and maybe that was a bad or stupid compromise, and maybe it was or is contemptible. Skye has insisted on being a 'successful' independent' 'businesswoman' and living life on her own terms despite the fact that her husband and her partner do the majority of the heavy lifting to make her 'successful'....maybe mom saw herself in that, as she was an 'independent' woman who went and lived on the rez and taught native kids while her husband provided support from afar. She certainly would not have been able to do that without someone keeping a 'home base' and doing a lot of work in the background to let her do what she wanted to do.

I don't have much in the way of grief, now or maybe ever. During the early days of my brother A's incarceration, we had some words and I realized that I can love someone and still not like them very much.  The Xmas we went up and got snowed in, the visit was nice for a while but then Mom got sick of having me around and started in on the passive aggressive shitty behavior, which Thax saw for the first time and realized why I don't love my mom as much as everyone else seems to.   But then he and Mom both decided that they don't remember any of that and Mom rewrote that visit as a wonderful time for everyone that we should all get together and do again, while my own avoidant/dissociaitive tendencies kept me from rememberig it clearly..but still not wanting to accept the gaslighting "oh that didn't really happen//oh that wasn't as bad as you feel (can't remember) it was" ... I don't think Thax has a great memory, either. But him trying to minimize how bad that situation felt for me after the fact while seeming to acknowledge it being bad at the time it was happening...sits wrong with me, even now.    Mom tried to kill herself in....2022? early 2023? before she broke her hip and after she realized that her mental capacity was slipping and she was losing the ability to do things like drive, type, read, write, etc.  She tried to kill  herself sometime in her teens to. There may have been other attempts I don't know about.  She has wanted to be dead for as long as I can remember. And now she is dead. I hope she is at peace.  And I have to be, too. For the parenting I got, even if it wasn't what child-me wanted or needed, it's all there is. All there was. All they had to give, as deficient as it was for child-me.  And now they're all gone.

well, I had an entry but then it was inadvertently deleted as I was typing it. probably for the best. bunch of nonsense and bitching.

birthday was alright. brunch with my aunt L. Dinner with my husband, a comedy of errors/crowds/bad timing/bad waitstaff. Makes me remember why I dont' really like going out in the world anymore.

still looking for work; have lost the thread on my data analyst bootcamp and hte instructor is back on the  'post shit to linkedin' tack instead of the 'how to do data' stuff, and I am kinda done with that. Anything about making content and liking other people's content gives me flashbacks to the early 2000s(?) when everyone was blogging and promoting other bloggs and that whole "make money writing blogs and promoting other peoples blogs" wierd stuff. Seth somebody? Godin? Grodin? and Pace and her crew....washerwomen taking in each others' laundry. I'm sorry but it's a closed system and money needs to be entering from *somewhere* in order to make you successful. Not buying it, not selling it, not interested in it at all. If I'm writing for a living might as well try writing a book or something, which I'm also not going to do.   Anything I've ever done for fun and then tried to do for money instantly became a huge drag, not to mention not successful at making me money, so why ruin my fun for nothing.

Anyhoo...brother A. has started a new job. Cousin B. is looking for work and interviewing and hedging his bets by not selling his house in OR just in case he gets a job u p there....with no friends, no family, no sanity, no support system against his addictions... I don't know why he's not done with OR but he's just ...not. He had an interview here in town on Mon and didn't get it. He didn't say anything more about it. Weird.

My sister H . called yesterday and we talked. Apparently people in hospice can pretty much ask their dr for any and all drugs and get them. I'm sure there's a huge bunch of scammy scandal going on with that industry. Not my mom and sister of course because they're honest decent people....but the industry in general seems ripe for druggie scumbags.

We're full up on fascism here in the US. Makes it hard to try and keep doing normal things like a normal person, but that's been life since, what, 2016, basically.  Keep pretending that the horrible shit that is happening is somehow normal and acceptable because there seems to be fuck-all all anyone can do about it. The institutions  and individuals that were supposed to be protecting the constitution and rule of law have rolled over on their backs and peed themselves.



that's about it.

 well, they ended my contract. I had made plans to go with Thax to the Steampunk Galveston festival mid-April so needed to take a Friday off, which I let them know,a nd while we were driving, my recruiter assigned her coworker 'Zach' to call and give me the bad news. Turns out Zach was en route to a family funeral so we texted back and forth and I told him not to worry about me, I'm good with that.  The supervisor at the company never let me know that I was doing anything wrong, none of my errors (if any) in the training environment nor once we went 'live' were ever brought to my attention by anyone at the company, they just called and told my staffing agency to end my contract. The system itself was giving tons of errors after 'go live' date and one of the full time/permanent ladies I talked to said their whole team was only getting 4 or so orders entered per day due to all the system errors. There was a TEAMS chat setup all day every day for people to pop on when they were getting errors and talk with the IT support guys to fix things.  So it's possible they ended all the contract people just because their system wasn't ready to go 'live'. Very passive-aggressive, 'guess' culture, expected to mind read and 'just know' stuff, shitty training materials, it was just not a good place and I'll never work for that company nor that staffing agency again. I am mad at myself for going with them when I had a full time permanent offer in my hands...I had already 'committed' to their 6 month remote position so I felt obligated. fuck me and fuck them and fuck that. uggggh. stupid stupid.

I interviewed for another temp to hire (haha) 6 month hybrid position at the same place I worked from Aug-Feb. I thought it went OK but didn't feel super great about it. I haven't heard back. My recruiter went on vacation so it's likely that the people who were supposed to pick up her work while she was out of town didn't and she had a big pile of work to come back to. (familiar story from my days at the State!)

My friend Sam's husband died a year ago in March.  I went up there last year end of april ish with another friend and we kept her company for a while. She had a fall in March of this year and apparently got pretty messed up, concussion and stuff. She texted me out of the blue just after the time of the steampunk galveston event and let me know she was going to end her life.So I hauled ass to CO and helped her pack up for selling her house and now she's in Austin, staying with us for awhile. she has 2 cats and a little dog. the cats are staying in her room (the 'tent room') and the little dog has joined our pack. He's enjoying the routine of morning and evening walks with everyone.

I'm looking for work, keeping Sam company, doing a minimal amount of house cleaning. Sam is mostly staying to her room, sleeping and watching TV. She has headaches and may be dealing with other physical stuff from the fall. Definitely still grieving. Marathon talking at times. 

we will see how her life turns out. Once she gets her house in CO sold she will have some money. In a couple of years she'll be eligible to draw her husband's social security. she  won't have a ton of cash but she will have enough if she is able to get a plan together.  I am hoping that staying with us for a while without any stress will help her get her head on straight. who knows. 

yesterday was a down day; friday too, I guess. Just seemed like everything that could go wrong did go wrong and I am really kicking myself for not takin the permanent job, choosing to keep my word to a temp agency instead. And that job so far has been a lot of sit around and wait because stuff isn't working right.

I salvaged the day a little and got my work room somewhat in order but mostly I was a pill.

On top of that I did another stupid (maybe?) There was a soap that I had found a long time ago that Thax really liked, and I really liked the scent. The soapmaker decided to retire from soapmaking and just do candles or something, but not in the scent we loved. I emailed and asked if there was any possibility of getting the soap again, or just the essential oil blend, and she mailed back and offered to sell me the recipe.

So...$200 later I have a recipe. I made soap for a while, back in the day, when I was trying to do crafty business and bla bla, so I know the basics. I'm going to give it a go. With the essential oil blend I can make pretty much anything, I think. candles, perfume oil, etc. 

There's still a few websites that apparently did a resale of the soap and cut and pasted the scent description. Pretty sure the ground cocoa was only for color, as the soap's appearance was basically a sliced up 'soap loaf', cream color with swirls of brown

Rococo: Aromatic. Exotic. Dangerous. Sensual.
Ground cocoa or cacao, Lemon, cinnamon leaf, patchouli, sweet orange.

All-natural, handmade SHEA-BUTTER soap. Rich, nourishing vegetable oils. Natural herbs, grains, and clays. Pure essential oils. Biodegradable. Vegetarian. Long-lasting. Creates billowy clouds of lather on your skin. Step up to the goodness and richness of what handmade soap is all about. Your skin will thank you.

• We use only premium oils as a base.  
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• Dry skin will appreciate the relief.
• Our colors are naturally derived from the goodness of the earth. Herbs, grains, and clays.  
• No synthetic fragrance. No flashy mineral pigments. No GMO Soy.  No Synthetic Anything.
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