evile

allergies continue; R. ear pops every time I swallow

going to the pool near the house for the last week or so with my housemate Sam. That's been nice. we walk in the shallow end back and forth for 30-40 min. They're closed Wednesday so I'll take tomorrow to run errands and wahtnot. Haircut.

Job interview 8/5. Its at a place pretty close to the house, pay is good. Job itself might be interesting.

ummm....I was going to write about something else. but I forgot what it was.

job hunt continues.

I had an online questionnaire and prerecorded interview for a position with an insurance company near the house, I got that done yesterday. I loathed recording myself. And there was no way to blur the background.

If/when I get a rejection note, I'll be sure to bring up my concerns re: privacy & ask what their storage, retention, and disposal policies are regarding the video interviews they obtain, and let them know that I'm not comfortable with the idea of them keeping or using my material for any reason, especially not for 'training' AI.

if/when I get an in person interview, I will raise the same concerns. perhaps in a more conversational tone.

Seems to me that any company that is in the business of risk management (insurance) needs to think long and hard about things like that, and be more transparent when they are using those kinds of tools to screen applicants.

I am wondering if. in addition to the economy being weird because of El Stinko and his 'tariffs' and continued blundering with international relations, and in addition to all the weird scammers and likely resume-harvesters out there in job-hunt land, the fact that I'm over 50 is factoring in to this long period of unemployment.

I am slogging thru a 7 hr Excel Data Analysis video I found on Youtube. It is helping me. I need to start taking actual written notes in addition to just watching. The class material is in a zip file and winzip is $34/year subscription. Seems excessive for a single use of said zip, but that is the wave of the future--we won't own anything, we'll just be renting apps and software and everything else from a big company.

I went running around in the world today; tried to offload some 'witchy' books, I was hoping the local witch shop would have some kind of free libary/sit and read/lounge type area but I didn't see anything like that. Maybe the Vortex theatre will have something like that? I dunno. And I tried to offload some coloring books I haven't touched in years at the Kava shop, because I seem to remember going there with friends some years ago and coloring and drinking kava and having a nice time, so I was gonna get a kava and sneak my books in to their pile...but then I got there and the kava place is closed for remodeling. Their Oak Hill location is still open though. But I don't feel like making that kind of drive.

Honestly I should just throw those books and coloring books away, or donate them to Goodwill even though part of my brain is going "no, they're too wierd/witchy, no one will adopt them from Goodwill"....I need to lose my attachment to my 'stuff' and not care what happens to it after it leaves my home. It's not making me happy, it's not my responsibility to find it a home where it will be appreciated and loved, it's my job to make my home a place that isn't cluttered with things that dont' make me happy.

sigh. I have fucking brainworms when it comes to 'stuff' and 'clutter' and all that bullshit. throw it away. run away. die.

I just want to be done with everything.

 my mom died

I am unemployed

Plumbing project is happening in our front yard; poop pipe was about to crumble to dust and needed replacing.  It got started and mostly done this week but inspector couldn't be found until after the holiday weekend so we have open stinky pipes out front that will get inspected and buried soon. good because it reeks.

Texas is flooding

The Fucking Government just voted to enact a police state with a budget bigger than many countries' military budget. In addition to fucking over poor kids, poor people in general, and just basically giving all their power away to the president. The supreme court already gave their power to the president as well.

I don't really know what else to say about anything.

Husband has been off work all week.  It has been nice but I also realize that I don't get as much done around the house when he is here. I feel like (and it is probably not true, but it feels like) he follows me around nagging and correcting me whenever I am doing things. So I just prefer not to do things when he's here.  I don't think this is true. But I feel nagged and judged and it's hard to do things when one is  feeling that way.

I got a text from my retina doctor that I need a checkup.

I have a dentist appointment next week for a checkup/cleaning. 

Life is continuing in a very small way.  

I have just kept it small since 2016 and even smaller in 2020 and after.

My friend Sam who lost her husband last year and had a bad fall this year has moved to TX with us. Various fuckeries with the original homebuyers and scheduled movers made it so that her shitty druggy neighbors stole most of what she had, basically everything she and I packed. She has a few pieces of furniture that made it to  TX and are in storage. She has what we managed to stuff into her tiny Toyota Echo, her two cats, and her dog. And that's it.    My heart hurts for her and I feel as though I failed in trying to help her. 

I don't really know what else to say.  Sad angry numb aging failing weak

that's pretty much it.

 My mother died sometime  this morning, official time of death was pronounced at 8something AM, but my sister said she was gone before that, in her sleep.

I had insomnia last night (been a lot of that lately)...I finally switched off the computers and phone screens around 1am and just forced  myself to lay in bed, hot  bored and uncomfortable, just laying there, doing nothing, until I guess I finally went to sleep. Sometime while it was still dark and before Thax's 6am alarm, I woke up to the sound of humming, and something that sounded kind of like native american chanting, low male voice or voices in an eerie, strange melody. There didn't seem to be a pattern or a repeated line or chorus or anythng, just louder and softer, higher and  lower notes, humming/chanting I don't know if my brother A. was awake and playing music in his room, or if it was that thing where your mind wants to interpret odd sounds as music or voices. It could have just as well been the sound of the fan combining with the sound of the dog snoring.

Anyway....I listened for a while and it did occur to me at the time that my mother might be passing at that exact moment. I won't ever have a way of knowing and it doesn't matter.

I was thinking, back in mid May that my mom might die on my bday. When that day passed, I saw that the full  pink moon is on my sister's bday this year--June 11, and I felt pretty sure that mom would go on June 11. But she surprised me and died on my SIL "Skye"'s bday.

A few times it's occurred to me that my mom might have wanted a daughter more like Skye than like me; many of the gifts mom sent over the years were in purple (Skye's color, NOT mine), small (Skye's feet are sz 7, mine are 9, her fingers and wrists are smaller than mine, and mom has sent shoes and jewelry that were those sizes and in fashions more suited to Skye than to me. Gifts of tarot cards and witchy images, western/horsey things, candles, etc. She once sent me a wierd 'witch box' that she probably found in a thrift store but was apparently part of some kind of 'occult' themed subscription box....anyway... many presents over the years that were nothing to do with my taste or style or size, and more suited to Skye.   To be sure, mom also recognized that Skye was a bitch, who was mean to  people and animals, and dishonest, and cruel.... but I think mom really was enchanted with the witchy, horsey, magickal part of Skye's personality.... and it's possible that if Skye had grown up with a momo like mine, she might have not turned out so mean and bad.... I dunno. something I thought of as I realized the significance of today being a certain birthday and a certain death day. I think Skye and my mother both shared a sense of contempt for me being a dull bureaucratic wage slave for so long. I did creative and fun things in my 'real life' spare time, and did not give any of my creative spirit to work and maybe that was a bad or stupid compromise, and maybe it was or is contemptible. Skye has insisted on being a 'successful' independent' 'businesswoman' and living life on her own terms despite the fact that her husband and her partner do the majority of the heavy lifting to make her 'successful'....maybe mom saw herself in that, as she was an 'independent' woman who went and lived on the rez and taught native kids while her husband provided support from afar. She certainly would not have been able to do that without someone keeping a 'home base' and doing a lot of work in the background to let her do what she wanted to do.

I don't have much in the way of grief, now or maybe ever. During the early days of my brother A's incarceration, we had some words and I realized that I can love someone and still not like them very much.  The Xmas we went up and got snowed in, the visit was nice for a while but then Mom got sick of having me around and started in on the passive aggressive shitty behavior, which Thax saw for the first time and realized why I don't love my mom as much as everyone else seems to.   But then he and Mom both decided that they don't remember any of that and Mom rewrote that visit as a wonderful time for everyone that we should all get together and do again, while my own avoidant/dissociaitive tendencies kept me from rememberig it clearly..but still not wanting to accept the gaslighting "oh that didn't really happen//oh that wasn't as bad as you feel (can't remember) it was" ... I don't think Thax has a great memory, either. But him trying to minimize how bad that situation felt for me after the fact while seeming to acknowledge it being bad at the time it was happening...sits wrong with me, even now.    Mom tried to kill herself in....2022? early 2023? before she broke her hip and after she realized that her mental capacity was slipping and she was losing the ability to do things like drive, type, read, write, etc.  She tried to kill  herself sometime in her teens to. There may have been other attempts I don't know about.  She has wanted to be dead for as long as I can remember. And now she is dead. I hope she is at peace.  And I have to be, too. For the parenting I got, even if it wasn't what child-me wanted or needed, it's all there is. All there was. All they had to give, as deficient as it was for child-me.  And now they're all gone.

well, I had an entry but then it was inadvertently deleted as I was typing it. probably for the best. bunch of nonsense and bitching.

birthday was alright. brunch with my aunt L. Dinner with my husband, a comedy of errors/crowds/bad timing/bad waitstaff. Makes me remember why I dont' really like going out in the world anymore.

still looking for work; have lost the thread on my data analyst bootcamp and hte instructor is back on the  'post shit to linkedin' tack instead of the 'how to do data' stuff, and I am kinda done with that. Anything about making content and liking other people's content gives me flashbacks to the early 2000s(?) when everyone was blogging and promoting other bloggs and that whole "make money writing blogs and promoting other peoples blogs" wierd stuff. Seth somebody? Godin? Grodin? and Pace and her crew....washerwomen taking in each others' laundry. I'm sorry but it's a closed system and money needs to be entering from *somewhere* in order to make you successful. Not buying it, not selling it, not interested in it at all. If I'm writing for a living might as well try writing a book or something, which I'm also not going to do.   Anything I've ever done for fun and then tried to do for money instantly became a huge drag, not to mention not successful at making me money, so why ruin my fun for nothing.

Anyhoo...brother A. has started a new job. Cousin B. is looking for work and interviewing and hedging his bets by not selling his house in OR just in case he gets a job u p there....with no friends, no family, no sanity, no support system against his addictions... I don't know why he's not done with OR but he's just ...not. He had an interview here in town on Mon and didn't get it. He didn't say anything more about it. Weird.

My sister H . called yesterday and we talked. Apparently people in hospice can pretty much ask their dr for any and all drugs and get them. I'm sure there's a huge bunch of scammy scandal going on with that industry. Not my mom and sister of course because they're honest decent people....but the industry in general seems ripe for druggie scumbags.

We're full up on fascism here in the US. Makes it hard to try and keep doing normal things like a normal person, but that's been life since, what, 2016, basically.  Keep pretending that the horrible shit that is happening is somehow normal and acceptable because there seems to be fuck-all all anyone can do about it. The institutions  and individuals that were supposed to be protecting the constitution and rule of law have rolled over on their backs and peed themselves.



that's about it.

 well, they ended my contract. I had made plans to go with Thax to the Steampunk Galveston festival mid-April so needed to take a Friday off, which I let them know,a nd while we were driving, my recruiter assigned her coworker 'Zach' to call and give me the bad news. Turns out Zach was en route to a family funeral so we texted back and forth and I told him not to worry about me, I'm good with that.  The supervisor at the company never let me know that I was doing anything wrong, none of my errors (if any) in the training environment nor once we went 'live' were ever brought to my attention by anyone at the company, they just called and told my staffing agency to end my contract. The system itself was giving tons of errors after 'go live' date and one of the full time/permanent ladies I talked to said their whole team was only getting 4 or so orders entered per day due to all the system errors. There was a TEAMS chat setup all day every day for people to pop on when they were getting errors and talk with the IT support guys to fix things.  So it's possible they ended all the contract people just because their system wasn't ready to go 'live'. Very passive-aggressive, 'guess' culture, expected to mind read and 'just know' stuff, shitty training materials, it was just not a good place and I'll never work for that company nor that staffing agency again. I am mad at myself for going with them when I had a full time permanent offer in my hands...I had already 'committed' to their 6 month remote position so I felt obligated. fuck me and fuck them and fuck that. uggggh. stupid stupid.

I interviewed for another temp to hire (haha) 6 month hybrid position at the same place I worked from Aug-Feb. I thought it went OK but didn't feel super great about it. I haven't heard back. My recruiter went on vacation so it's likely that the people who were supposed to pick up her work while she was out of town didn't and she had a big pile of work to come back to. (familiar story from my days at the State!)

My friend Sam's husband died a year ago in March.  I went up there last year end of april ish with another friend and we kept her company for a while. She had a fall in March of this year and apparently got pretty messed up, concussion and stuff. She texted me out of the blue just after the time of the steampunk galveston event and let me know she was going to end her life.So I hauled ass to CO and helped her pack up for selling her house and now she's in Austin, staying with us for awhile. she has 2 cats and a little dog. the cats are staying in her room (the 'tent room') and the little dog has joined our pack. He's enjoying the routine of morning and evening walks with everyone.

I'm looking for work, keeping Sam company, doing a minimal amount of house cleaning. Sam is mostly staying to her room, sleeping and watching TV. She has headaches and may be dealing with other physical stuff from the fall. Definitely still grieving. Marathon talking at times. 

we will see how her life turns out. Once she gets her house in CO sold she will have some money. In a couple of years she'll be eligible to draw her husband's social security. she  won't have a ton of cash but she will have enough if she is able to get a plan together.  I am hoping that staying with us for a while without any stress will help her get her head on straight. who knows. 

yesterday was a down day; friday too, I guess. Just seemed like everything that could go wrong did go wrong and I am really kicking myself for not takin the permanent job, choosing to keep my word to a temp agency instead. And that job so far has been a lot of sit around and wait because stuff isn't working right.

I salvaged the day a little and got my work room somewhat in order but mostly I was a pill.

On top of that I did another stupid (maybe?) There was a soap that I had found a long time ago that Thax really liked, and I really liked the scent. The soapmaker decided to retire from soapmaking and just do candles or something, but not in the scent we loved. I emailed and asked if there was any possibility of getting the soap again, or just the essential oil blend, and she mailed back and offered to sell me the recipe.

So...$200 later I have a recipe. I made soap for a while, back in the day, when I was trying to do crafty business and bla bla, so I know the basics. I'm going to give it a go. With the essential oil blend I can make pretty much anything, I think. candles, perfume oil, etc. 

There's still a few websites that apparently did a resale of the soap and cut and pasted the scent description. Pretty sure the ground cocoa was only for color, as the soap's appearance was basically a sliced up 'soap loaf', cream color with swirls of brown

Rococo: Aromatic. Exotic. Dangerous. Sensual.
Ground cocoa or cacao, Lemon, cinnamon leaf, patchouli, sweet orange.

All-natural, handmade SHEA-BUTTER soap. Rich, nourishing vegetable oils. Natural herbs, grains, and clays. Pure essential oils. Biodegradable. Vegetarian. Long-lasting. Creates billowy clouds of lather on your skin. Step up to the goodness and richness of what handmade soap is all about. Your skin will thank you.

• We use only premium oils as a base.  
• Our handmade soap is made from organic ingredients whenever possible.  Oils of Organic Sunflower, Organic Olive, Organic Coconut, Organic Sustainable Palm, Unrefined Organic Ghana Beige Shea Butter and Castor Oils.
• Dry skin will appreciate the relief.
• Our colors are naturally derived from the goodness of the earth. Herbs, grains, and clays.  
• No synthetic fragrance. No flashy mineral pigments. No GMO Soy.  No Synthetic Anything.
• Our soap is excellent for those with sensitivities, skin problems, and allergies, depending on the person and the soap.

 

 Well, I'm not very good at being practical and saving my money for important things. I'm trying.  But a couple weeks ago I had a little sinking spell and decided to treat myself..... in my defense, Demeter was having a sale. I got the "Dark Flowers" sampler set. Plus two vanillas: Vanilla Bark  (pretty nice, comes off as kind of a sandalwood, dont' get much vanilla at all) and Hawaiian Vanilla (too much coconut and the vanilla is fake/chemically. too bad.)

I'm wearing 'Witching Hour' right now and it's gorgeous. Kind of an 'older woman out for a fancy occasion' sophisticated scent. Probably not a daily choice.

Witching Hour: Deep and sensual, without being at all too dark, this fragrance uses exotic ingredients - two kinds of Amber, Blood Orange, and Vanilla Orchid petals - to make this blend unique.

Dark Roses: Rose Water Tea, Thorny Stem Bulgarian Rose Petals, and Davana Blossom are topped with Red Currants and anchored by an earthy Patchouli, Dark Amber and Haitian Vetiver: a deep, dark swirl unlike anything else you have experienced in a Rose-inspired scent.

Vampire Blooms: Poisonous Belladonna, Dracula Orchid, and the Nicotiana plant form the deep, dark heart of this fragrance, rounded with peppery Maile Leaves and Ivy, smoothed and coordinated by a sheer veil of Madagascar Vanilla, White Musk and Mandarin Peel.

Transfixed: The sexy center of this fragrance revolves around Ylang Ylang and Red Poppies, grounded with Tobacco Leaves and Black Vanilla Bean, while taking flights of fancy with a frosty medicinal accord and powdery Coca Petals.

Mystical Blooms: Mystical Blooms is an enchanting fragrance with a core of Night Blooming Orchid and Crimson Dahlia, shrouded in a veil of elusive tobacco and musk notes. . Its top notes exude a hint of enigmatic spices, like Saffron, and unique fruity scents, like Bergamot and Fig Nectar, luring you into an ethereal journey.

As the scent develops, a sense of intrigue intensifies, drawing you deeper into its mysterious allure. Woods and musky undertones emerge, adding an aura of seductive secrecy. Like a moonlit garden under a starless sky, Mystical Blooms captivates with its enigmatic and haunting presence.

This fragrance is for those who embrace the unknown, seeking an olfactory adventure that transcends the boundaries of light and dark, revealing the magic that lies within the shadows. Mystical Blooms leaves an enigmatic trail, tempting others to unravel its secrets, but it remains an enigma, forever elusive and entrancing.

Shadow Flowers: Shadow Flowers is an enigmatic and alluring fragrance that exudes a mysterious and haunting charm. At its core, it embraces a delicate yet intoxicating blend of elusive dark blooms, including Jasmine, Sambac, and fiery Tuberose Absolute, all shrouded in an air of darkness.

The fragrance opens with ethereal wisps of misty dew-kissed sparkling peach and Orange Blossom, evoking the sensation of wandering through a moonlit garden under the cover of night. As it develops, an aura of intrigue deepens with a touch of Patchoui and an Amber accord, adding an alluring complexity to the floral bouquet.

Shadow Flowers captivates with its unique duality, both dark and light, tender and mysterious. It represents the beauty found in the hidden corners of the world, evoking a sense of fascination and wonder.

This fragrance is for those who embrace the enigma of life, seeking a scent that transcends the ordinary and reveals the allure of the unknown. With Shadow Flowers, you'll leave a hauntingly elegant impression, a trail of mesmerizing allure that lingers long after you've passed, inviting others to be drawn into your captivating world of shadows and blooms.

Ominous Mist: Ominous Mist is an intriguing and evocative fragrance that transports you to a realm of mystery and intrigue. At its heart, it entwines a blend of dark notes with bursts of brightness, reminiscent of a dense mist cloaking a hidden forest on a moonless night. Within this enigmatic mist, whispers of Sandalwood, Cedar and a fantasy wood accord create a sense of eerie serenity.

The fragrance opens with a burst of Black Raspberry, Mandarin Orange and Blood Orange, capturing the essence of the mist as it embraces you in its ethereal embrace. As it evolves, hints of aromatic Jasmine and Orange Blossom add depth and complexity to the atmospheric blend.

Ominous Mist encapsulates the allure of the unknown, offering a captivating olfactory journey that dares you to explore and embrace the enigmatic. It is a fragrance for those who embrace their inner darkness, finding beauty in the mysterious and uncharted territories of life.

Haunted Souls: Haunted Souls is an evocative fragrance that delves into the depths of emotions and memories, capturing the essence of souls that linger in the realm of the living. At its core, it intertwines a blend of dark and introspective notes, embodying a deep, melancholic symphony of Patchouli, Smoky Myrrh and Leather.

The fragrance opens with a touch of mystery, like wisps of ethereal mist of Bergamot, Saffron and Coco Blossom, rising from forgotten graves, setting the stage for an immersive olfactory experience. As it evolves, delicate whispers of Midnight Jasmine and Tuberose emerge, adding a sense of nostalgia and timeless elegance.

Haunted Souls encapsulates the essence of introspection and the haunting beauty found in the depths of the human spirit. It is a fragrance for those who embrace their emotions, exploring the shadows of their souls with grace and courage.

 Ya know, when you've been in a shitty relationship or have been through a crappy breakup, or whatever...you (Me, I mean) go through a period of analysis; who did what to whom, who did it first, who did it worst, who is the bad guy. You may or may not discover or decide that the person you used to love or care about is personality-disordered in some way. They may or may not actually be personality disordered, that may just be something you need to learn about and go through in order to get to your own peace of mind.

There's a school of thought that declares "if you spot it, you got it," and I think that can be true for a lot of things.

But there is also room for discernment and indeed judgement in life, when you really need to trust that what you have seen and experienced was a true thing. That you did not do anything to invite or ask another person to treat you badly, disregard your needs and feelings, and talk shit about you to other people & try to turn them against you... it's OK to get to the end of that period of introspection and discovery and conclude "I am a good person and I did not deserve to be treated like that,"

You can also go through that period of analysis and see that, yes, you did make mistakes. You were selfish. You were insensitive. You were unkind. You did some smear campaigning and attempted recruitment of flying monkeys yourownself.

I think, in the end, what would be the difference between yourself and the narcissist/abuser is that you are able to recognize what you did wrong, learn from it, and do better next time.

People who are personality disordered just tend to cycle through the same drama over and over and OVER again. The same story with themselves as the blameless victim of other people's mistreatment. I mean, yeah, some of us do have a bad 'picker' and end up with a few user loser scumbags in a row...but after watching the same story play out over the last 30-ish years in one instance, I can pretty much guarantee you that the person yelling about narcississtic abuse and flying monkeys...is the one who tends to be perpetrating narcisssistic abuse and siccing flying monkeys on the latest villain in their 'oh poor me' show.

sad and wierd. Not worth any more of my time or energy.