My sister proposed that we plan to meet and scatter her and my stepdad's ashes in October at Enchanted Rock. I am OK with that. I would like it better in spring with the wildflowers, but October is my stepdad's birth month, and weatherwise it ought to be fine either day.
I'm still out of work; I got a text from a recruiter that says the last place I completed a contract will be hiring a new batch of temps soon, so thats' in the pipeline.
I interviewed for another job, commuting to south austin for $20/hr. It didn't sound great but it sounded OK. Was told the job would be starting in 2-3 weeks, but the day after the interview (Thursday) they said I'd need to start the following week and wanted me to go do a drug test and start the background check. Only problem was my car had just gone into the shop and I hadn't heard back about what was wrong with it nor how long it would take to fix. I could have committed to a start date 2 weeks from then, obviously, but not 3 business days.
Dicking around with the data analyst course; I'm retaking the Excel portion to make sure it goes through my brain properly....
I am not thinking very well lately. I'm not grieving or angry or anything..just blank and blah.
doesnt' help that iran and israel are trading missiles and India and Pakistan are lining up behind their respective 'allies'....would be stupid to start a new job and get nuked
My mother died sometime this morning, official time of death was pronounced at 8something AM, but my sister said she was gone before that, in her sleep.
I had insomnia last night (been a lot of that lately)...I finally switched off the computers and phone screens around 1am and just forced myself to lay in bed, hot bored and uncomfortable, just laying there, doing nothing, until I guess I finally went to sleep. Sometime while it was still dark and before Thax's 6am alarm, I woke up to the sound of humming, and something that sounded kind of like native american chanting, low male voice or voices in an eerie, strange melody. There didn't seem to be a pattern or a repeated line or chorus or anythng, just louder and softer, higher and lower notes, humming/chanting I don't know if my brother A. was awake and playing music in his room, or if it was that thing where your mind wants to interpret odd sounds as music or voices. It could have just as well been the sound of the fan combining with the sound of the dog snoring.
Anyway....I listened for a while and it did occur to me at the time that my mother might be passing at that exact moment. I won't ever have a way of knowing and it doesn't matter.
I was thinking, back in mid May that my mom might die on my bday. When that day passed, I saw that the full pink moon is on my sister's bday this year--June 11, and I felt pretty sure that mom would go on June 11. But she surprised me and died on my SIL "Skye"'s bday.
A few times it's occurred to me that my mom might have wanted a daughter more like Skye than like me; many of the gifts mom sent over the years were in purple (Skye's color, NOT mine), small (Skye's feet are sz 7, mine are 9, her fingers and wrists are smaller than mine, and mom has sent shoes and jewelry that were those sizes and in fashions more suited to Skye than to me. Gifts of tarot cards and witchy images, western/horsey things, candles, etc. She once sent me a wierd 'witch box' that she probably found in a thrift store but was apparently part of some kind of 'occult' themed subscription box....anyway... many presents over the years that were nothing to do with my taste or style or size, and more suited to Skye. To be sure, mom also recognized that Skye was a bitch, who was mean to people and animals, and dishonest, and cruel.... but I think mom really was enchanted with the witchy, horsey, magickal part of Skye's personality.... and it's possible that if Skye had grown up with a momo like mine, she might have not turned out so mean and bad.... I dunno. something I thought of as I realized the significance of today being a certain birthday and a certain death day. I think Skye and my mother both shared a sense of contempt for me being a dull bureaucratic wage slave for so long. I did creative and fun things in my 'real life' spare time, and did not give any of my creative spirit to work and maybe that was a bad or stupid compromise, and maybe it was or is contemptible. Skye has insisted on being a 'successful' independent' 'businesswoman' and living life on her own terms despite the fact that her husband and her partner do the majority of the heavy lifting to make her 'successful'....maybe mom saw herself in that, as she was an 'independent' woman who went and lived on the rez and taught native kids while her husband provided support from afar. She certainly would not have been able to do that without someone keeping a 'home base' and doing a lot of work in the background to let her do what she wanted to do.
I don't have much in the way of grief, now or maybe ever. During the early days of my brother A's incarceration, we had some words and I realized that I can love someone and still not like them very much. The Xmas we went up and got snowed in, the visit was nice for a while but then Mom got sick of having me around and started in on the passive aggressive shitty behavior, which Thax saw for the first time and realized why I don't love my mom as much as everyone else seems to. But then he and Mom both decided that they don't remember any of that and Mom rewrote that visit as a wonderful time for everyone that we should all get together and do again, while my own avoidant/dissociaitive tendencies kept me from rememberig it clearly..but still not wanting to accept the gaslighting "oh that didn't really happen//oh that wasn't as bad as you feel (can't remember) it was" ... I don't think Thax has a great memory, either. But him trying to minimize how bad that situation felt for me after the fact while seeming to acknowledge it being bad at the time it was happening...sits wrong with me, even now. Mom tried to kill herself in....2022? early 2023? before she broke her hip and after she realized that her mental capacity was slipping and she was losing the ability to do things like drive, type, read, write, etc. She tried to kill herself sometime in her teens to. There may have been other attempts I don't know about. She has wanted to be dead for as long as I can remember. And now she is dead. I hope she is at peace. And I have to be, too. For the parenting I got, even if it wasn't what child-me wanted or needed, it's all there is. All there was. All they had to give, as deficient as it was for child-me. And now they're all gone.
My sister H. just called. The hospice worker let her know that mom is officially in "transition"...she hasn't been eating or drinking for a while, isn't terribly responsive to anything, not even her usual 'no' to questions and small laugh when people say something interesting or funny.
So my mom will be dying soon. Physically. She's been gone mentally for a while now.
My sister H says her main emotions are gratitude (for being able to spend time and care for mom these last cople of months) and relief. Also kind of scared. But she says she doesn't want or need anyone to fly up immediately or anything, she feels OK to handle it. I told her I'm not working and I can be there if she needs me.
Her daughter (my niece) and husband (my brother in law), are about to take a trip to Japan together. H. didn't want to go, I don't know if it was because she felt she had to stay and take care of mom or just really isn't interested in the culture shock experience....but now maybe she will. I'll tell her that I'm happy to go up and house and dog sit for her if she wants to go to Japan, if the timing works out.
I dont' know what else to say or think. I'm sure there is a small frightened child who is very sad, here inside myself somewhere...but adult me is good and done.
And I had a dream last night about winning a lotto scratch off. LOL. Kinda maybe. There should be some inheritance, but I am not a greedy vulture like that. So I don't know what that dream was about. Just brain doing brain things, I guess.
anyhoo... :/ thoughts and prayers. We all die, as Ms. Ernst so kindly put it.
well, I had an entry but then it was inadvertently deleted as I was typing it. probably for the best. bunch of nonsense and bitching.
birthday was alright. brunch with my aunt L. Dinner with my husband, a comedy of errors/crowds/bad timing/bad waitstaff. Makes me remember why I dont' really like going out in the world anymore.
still looking for work; have lost the thread on my data analyst bootcamp and hte instructor is back on the 'post shit to linkedin' tack instead of the 'how to do data' stuff, and I am kinda done with that. Anything about making content and liking other people's content gives me flashbacks to the early 2000s(?) when everyone was blogging and promoting other bloggs and that whole "make money writing blogs and promoting other peoples blogs" wierd stuff. Seth somebody? Godin? Grodin? and Pace and her crew....washerwomen taking in each others' laundry. I'm sorry but it's a closed system and money needs to be entering from *somewhere* in order to make you successful. Not buying it, not selling it, not interested in it at all. If I'm writing for a living might as well try writing a book or something, which I'm also not going to do. Anything I've ever done for fun and then tried to do for money instantly became a huge drag, not to mention not successful at making me money, so why ruin my fun for nothing.
Anyhoo...brother A. has started a new job. Cousin B. is looking for work and interviewing and hedging his bets by not selling his house in OR just in case he gets a job u p there....with no friends, no family, no sanity, no support system against his addictions... I don't know why he's not done with OR but he's just ...not. He had an interview here in town on Mon and didn't get it. He didn't say anything more about it. Weird.
My sister H . called yesterday and we talked. Apparently people in hospice can pretty much ask their dr for any and all drugs and get them. I'm sure there's a huge bunch of scammy scandal going on with that industry. Not my mom and sister of course because they're honest decent people....but the industry in general seems ripe for druggie scumbags.
We're full up on fascism here in the US. Makes it hard to try and keep doing normal things like a normal person, but that's been life since, what, 2016, basically. Keep pretending that the horrible shit that is happening is somehow normal and acceptable because there seems to be fuck-all all anyone can do about it. The institutions and individuals that were supposed to be protecting the constitution and rule of law have rolled over on their backs and peed themselves.
Well, I turn 55 next week. My aunt L. wants to take us to dinner to celebrate and I have to pick a place. I am just not feelin' it but I guess I need to pick *something*. bleh.
Mom is with sister H. at her house in Bloomington, IN. Mom spends most of her time asleep, eating little, is starting to see people who arent' there ("Granny"? None of her grandmothers were called 'granny' as far as I know. but...?) She may pass soon. Not to be cruel or unfeeling but she's been ready for a while, and tried in 2022 or was it 2023? anyway. I just want her to be at peace.
Mothers day is always a reminder that she didn't have the life she wanted, the love she wanted, or the accomplishments she wanted, largely due to having children. Me, mostly, I guess, the start of her disappointments in life. Abortion was illegal when I was conceived. I don't think I'll ever forget or forgive a system that robbed a woman of her life and autonomy and forced her to parent a child she and her partner didn't want to have and into trying to force a life together, a partnership that was unsuited to both of them. They did their best and maybe at some point decided that it was OK to have me, maybe even that they wanted and liked me...but it wasn't their choice. It was forced on them by the fucking government. So happy belated Mother's day, I guess. Glad and grateful for my fucked up reproductive system and getting sterilized at age 34 so I didn't have to do the same.
Still job hunting.
Our friend S. has settled in to the front room/tent room with her two cats. Her dog has run of the house. The dogs got the door open once and chased one of the cats into the work/computer room where she hid in the corner until my brother A. could get under there and get her out. It was a stressful mess. S. wanted to just leave the cat's bed and some treats in the room until the cat chose to come out but I was thinking "OK, but where is it going to piss/shit???" so for me, it wasn't an option to leave the cat in my work room until it felt like coming out. S is being a good guest, spending a lot of time resting and watching tv/movies in her room. Her dog is getting along well with our dogs and has enjoyed joining our walk routine. S. occasionally comes out and does marathon talking but it's more movies and trivia now than the first days of trauma-dumping about her childhood and stuff. She's been alone in her house for a year since her husband died; I'm trying to give her as much patience and kindness as I can manage. I can't imagine losing everyone and everything that matters to you in one fell swoop like she has.
It's gotten hot this week so we've been walking after supper instead of before.
My knees, back, left heel, and ankles are in pain just about all of the time now. I wear 'incrediwear' knee and ankle supports to bed for healing; I generally do wake up feeling more OK ish than when I dont' wear them to bed.
I've lost about 5 lbs in the last couple months. only 100+ more to go!LOLOLOLOL. not gonna happen.but I know that a great deal of my discomfort is due to carrying too much weight.
Our house is having plumbing issues. got a quote for 10K to fix it. The PVC piping used originally is not to current spec, it is weakening and sort of sagging. It's more of a flattened 0 shape rather than a round circle and will continue to collapse and crack until it's not useable and nothing goes through. Part of the driveway needs to be dug up and repoured as well. Thax wants to get a couple more quotes before we make a decision but I suspect the work will need to be done sooner rather than later.
Anyhoo...
turns out that the position I was offered FT/Permanent in Feb (and turned down due to already accepting the 6 month remote contract that ended early, and had been beating myself up over endlessly bla bla ) was 'sunsetted' just after the 6 week training period was over. The options were to apply for other positions at the company, accept transfer to Accounts Receivable and after a 3 week 'try out' period, either be accepted full time in AR, or get a severance.
So I guess I'm glad I didn't go thru all that. I would have had some bux in the bank after 6 weeks of that fat salary but not enough to really justify or make up for being jerked around and played like that.
The job hunt continues and the data analyst course continues as well. onward.
S. suggests I offer dogsitting for a couple of extra dogs and take cash as my next career....It's tempting but our backyard really isn't secure.
For my birthday/just cuz, I'm going to order a sample set from Maison des Animaux.
Aurate: This is the classic amber. Sandalwood drenched, labdanum rich, vanilla sweetened. The most golden of gold fragrances. Boheme: Bohème is lightly sweet, deep, warm, and unisex. It starts with labdanum, cinnamon, and toffee, and transforms into leather and a bit of smoldering pipe tobacco hovering above that perfect glass of bourbon. The drydown is a honied musk that is just delicious. Holiday: The warm, honied musk of sun-kissed skin on a tropical beach. Solar and warm, subtle sweetness balanced with a warm hum of toasted coconut and spiced rum. Le Cirque: A riot of dark chocolate-covered espresso beans, toasted sugarcane, Mysore sandalwood, Haitian vetiver, and a puff off a Cuban cigar. This is a conversation over a late-night espresso that you never want to end. It is so fun, so rich, and entirely sexy. Sirius : This is the sweetest Guatemalan cardamom, rare ruh khus vetiver, black keemun tea oil, and vanilla absolute from madagascar. Unisex and versatile, it starts bright and spicy and dries down into a warm, sweet, and rich woody musk. An olfactory cashmere sweater: warm, soft, a constant favorite.
well, they ended my contract. I had made plans to go with Thax to the Steampunk Galveston festival mid-April so needed to take a Friday off, which I let them know,a nd while we were driving, my recruiter assigned her coworker 'Zach' to call and give me the bad news. Turns out Zach was en route to a family funeral so we texted back and forth and I told him not to worry about me, I'm good with that. The supervisor at the company never let me know that I was doing anything wrong, none of my errors (if any) in the training environment nor once we went 'live' were ever brought to my attention by anyone at the company, they just called and told my staffing agency to end my contract. The system itself was giving tons of errors after 'go live' date and one of the full time/permanent ladies I talked to said their whole team was only getting 4 or so orders entered per day due to all the system errors. There was a TEAMS chat setup all day every day for people to pop on when they were getting errors and talk with the IT support guys to fix things. So it's possible they ended all the contract people just because their system wasn't ready to go 'live'. Very passive-aggressive, 'guess' culture, expected to mind read and 'just know' stuff, shitty training materials, it was just not a good place and I'll never work for that company nor that staffing agency again. I am mad at myself for going with them when I had a full time permanent offer in my hands...I had already 'committed' to their 6 month remote position so I felt obligated. fuck me and fuck them and fuck that. uggggh. stupid stupid.
I interviewed for another temp to hire (haha) 6 month hybrid position at the same place I worked from Aug-Feb. I thought it went OK but didn't feel super great about it. I haven't heard back. My recruiter went on vacation so it's likely that the people who were supposed to pick up her work while she was out of town didn't and she had a big pile of work to come back to. (familiar story from my days at the State!)
My friend Sam's husband died a year ago in March. I went up there last year end of april ish with another friend and we kept her company for a while. She had a fall in March of this year and apparently got pretty messed up, concussion and stuff. She texted me out of the blue just after the time of the steampunk galveston event and let me know she was going to end her life.So I hauled ass to CO and helped her pack up for selling her house and now she's in Austin, staying with us for awhile. she has 2 cats and a little dog. the cats are staying in her room (the 'tent room') and the little dog has joined our pack. He's enjoying the routine of morning and evening walks with everyone.
I'm looking for work, keeping Sam company, doing a minimal amount of house cleaning. Sam is mostly staying to her room, sleeping and watching TV. She has headaches and may be dealing with other physical stuff from the fall. Definitely still grieving. Marathon talking at times.
we will see how her life turns out. Once she gets her house in CO sold she will have some money. In a couple of years she'll be eligible to draw her husband's social security. she won't have a ton of cash but she will have enough if she is able to get a plan together. I am hoping that staying with us for a while without any stress will help her get her head on straight. who knows.
My sister H. came to TX and took my mom to live with her in Indiana. They bought a new house and have space for Mom to have her own 'suite'. It's nice, big airy and open, big sliding glass door out to a patio where there's a birdfeeder. Mom has her cat to snuggle and sleep with. Mom was being taken care of at the care place here in Austin, the day to day staff that interacted with Mom were all great, but the owner was being a dick to Holly and it was $9000/month.(goddamn.) H. got a CNA years ago and has worked in elder care. She also has a social work degree and worked in Title 10 services for a while, so she is very familiar with both the hands on aspects of what Mom needs, plus navigating all the legal stuff and working to get mom the best government programs and benefits. My brother and Aunt L were visiting regularly (Brother A, every other day or so, Aunt L daily) and I was going on the weekends and taking our little dog Pepita who is a sweetie and a snuggler and mom always recognized her, knew her name, and was happy to see her.
So... that happened.
Meanwhile, my cousin B has bottomed out in his life in the pacific northwest; he was having issues with drugs and alcohol, feeling isolated, seasonal depression because there's no sunlight up there....so he's coming back to TX. He will be living with aunt L and uncle B who will be helping him out financially and helping him with his sobriety. Right now he's back in OR, getting rid of all his stuff and selling his house, we are dog sitting, and possibly when he's back in town and he and his pup are settled, I might drive the rest of mom's stuff to IN. Sister H. says mom has everything she needs, so it's up to me if I want to come visit and bring up the art and furniture we moved out of her room here in TX.
remote job continues. supervisor moved me from rekeying orders to migrating rekeyed orders to the new order entry system (onsite supervisor complained to my temp agency recruiter that I was asking too many questions and not using my training materials/notes before I kept asking the 'same question', so she moved me to a different task) ... so I'm caught up and the two people in rekey haven't done much in the last couple days. At time of hire we were told there was a backlog of about 600 orders, so each of my coworkers needs to key at least 3 a day until end of contract, and I need to complete at least 6 a day by end of contract, just to get caught up. I had a couple of good days and now its gone flat. Anyway. Trying to only care about what it is my power to do or change.
I like working from home. When there's nothing to do I can theoretically go and get some work done around the house. Or work on my data analyst class.Still regretting that decision but hoping that the data analyst stuff comes together in my brain at some point.
I got a bluesky account. I am no longer receiving dopamine from social media posting or reading. Not sure why I am bothering with any of it.
I rode my ebike for the first time about a week ago. It was fun. Thax has healt insurance with his new job so he got a physical and such. His dr says better portion control, fewer carbs, and more cardio is needed. So hopefully we can build better habits together. As of now, we just walk dogs twice a day and that's about it for exercise.
The stuff happening in this country is insane and disgusting....senseless tarriffs tanking the economy, massive layoffs of government employees, incompetent morons installed at high level positions, and the worst thing - deporting people without any due process to prison in El Salvador. You can't even call it 'deporting'. it's trafficking people to concentration camp in another country. how the fuck is any of this legal? it isnt! but no one is doing anything to stop it.
there was a mass protest on 4/5. counts are between 2 and 5 million people who participated. will those translate to any effective action? we will see :/
I just want el stinko to keel over and join his ancestors. This whole shit show falls apart without him as the figurehead. There are evil and stupid people who will regroup and try again but no 'charismatic' figure to fall behind.
So, I committed to this temp contract 2/18 (believing that the permanent job I'd interviewed for was rescinded, having been told by my temp agency that the only thing available at the old place was another 6 month contract, which would require another interview) and then I got a permanent offer 2/25 and for whatever reason, I felt a sense of loyalty to the temp contract and felt like I needed to keep my word. (why? I dunno.)
And I've been feeling like I closed that door to the last place forever. I mean, it was a bad choice but I don't think I actually burned any bridges (?) so I think when I get close to or at the end of this contract I'll reach back out to the agency that placed me at my previous contract where I got the belated permanent offer and see if they have anything at that same place, maybe do another 6 months in contract and see if it goes 'contract to hire' like the last one said it might. get back in the door over there and try again. maybe. I am finishing data analyst bootcamp. And who knows we may all go up in nuclear fire before then so I won't have to worry about it or work anymore.
I am trying to find a way to give myself permission and be OK with 'not keeping my word' when a situation comes up where I make an initial decision/give my word based on incomplete or bad information. I am trying to find a way to be OK with changing my mind and disappointing people when or if something happens that offers me a better option for *myself*. I mean, why on earth did I have more loyalty and care for my temp agency recruiter than i did for my own future and finances and peace of mind?
the temp remote contract is cool because it's remote and so far easy. the money compared to the money I was making at the previous 6 month 'temp to hire' remote/hybrid is better when you think about the 3+ hrs week unpaid commute, gas, vehicle wear and tear.
*if* I had taken the full time permanent offer, the money was very good. but it was 6 weeks of in office and then back to the 3 days in office hybrid schedule. It was business casual wardrobe requirements. It was a corporate culture that was ...inauthentic feeling, to me. (but wouldn't that be the case with *any* job? There's masking and faking in any workplace environment, but I didn't ever feel like I had to do anything that was absolutely distasteful or unethical)
Anyway.....I'm going to stick this contract out because I've committed to it and it should be pretty easy work once it gets going. and work on data analyst bootcamp. (having discovered in research that I *should* have asked the instructor/owner what his students' completion rate was, having found that only about 15% of people finish one of these things)... anyway....mistakes are always being made. It's not the end of the world until Donald Fucking Trump tanks the economy and kills us all...Until then I have to keep making that dog food money.
yesterday was a down day; friday too, I guess. Just seemed like everything that could go wrong did go wrong and I am really kicking myself for not takin the permanent job, choosing to keep my word to a temp agency instead. And that job so far has been a lot of sit around and wait because stuff isn't working right.
I salvaged the day a little and got my work room somewhat in order but mostly I was a pill.
On top of that I did another stupid (maybe?) There was a soap that I had found a long time ago that Thax really liked, and I really liked the scent. The soapmaker decided to retire from soapmaking and just do candles or something, but not in the scent we loved. I emailed and asked if there was any possibility of getting the soap again, or just the essential oil blend, and she mailed back and offered to sell me the recipe.
So...$200 later I have a recipe. I made soap for a while, back in the day, when I was trying to do crafty business and bla bla, so I know the basics. I'm going to give it a go. With the essential oil blend I can make pretty much anything, I think. candles, perfume oil, etc.
There's still a few websites that apparently did a resale of the soap and cut and pasted the scent description. Pretty sure the ground cocoa was only for color, as the soap's appearance was basically a sliced up 'soap loaf', cream color with swirls of brown
All-natural, handmade SHEA-BUTTER soap. Rich, nourishing vegetable oils. Natural herbs, grains, and clays. Pure essential oils. Biodegradable. Vegetarian. Long-lasting. Creates billowy clouds of lather on your skin. Step up to the goodness and richness of what handmade soap is all about. Your skin will thank you.
We use only premium oils as a base.
Our handmade soap is made from organic ingredients whenever possible. Oils of Organic Sunflower, Organic Olive, Organic Coconut, Organic Sustainable Palm, Unrefined Organic Ghana Beige Shea Butter and Castor Oils.
Dry skin will appreciate the relief.
Our colors are naturally derived from the goodness of the earth. Herbs, grains, and clays.
No synthetic fragrance. No flashy mineral pigments. No GMO Soy. No Synthetic Anything.
Our soap is excellent for those with sensitivities, skin problems, and allergies, depending on the person and the soap.
Tuesday: we had an initial meet and greet with onsite supervisor and 2 other contractors working on this project. Got some more background on the situation, including the fact that the guy who had been spearheading the salesforce project left in Dec and our supervisor is now taking up his slack.
Wednesday: We had a quick Salesforce tutorial with supervisor and other team members, led by Salesforce Expert who quickly went through the steps we would be following to do our work. Meeting was slotted for 1 hour, it was about 45 minutes. Luckily someone recorded the meeting so I was able to rewatch it a few times.
Thursday: We had a more 'all hands' meeting with supervisor and other team members, hosted by Senior Manager of ERP Design and Solutions for Supply Chain. He went through the process again, but there seemed to be disagreement or confusion on the essential steps and some debate on terminology (our supervisor is saying Old Salesforce and New Salesforce, and Senior Manager says it's not really a 'new' salesforce, etc.) and time line for project. this was about an hour and 50 minutes of listening to them talking about the process and steps, the background database that Salesforce was pulling from currently vs the one it will be pulling from in the future.... it seemed fairly disorganized. The 'old salesforce' or whatever they are going to call it is being shut down at the end of March.
Friday: the three contractors met to go through our notes and screen shots to try and get through entering an order successfully; we were not able to complete one order. One issue seems to be that the 'live' salesforce has an interface with a resource that is not available in the 'test environment.' We met with supervisor later in the morning and asked for more time with Salesforce Expert, for us to take turns doing the order entry with Salesforce Expert watching and offering advice or corrections as we go. One issue seems to be that in the 'live' version of salesforce rather than the sandbox/training version, there is a report that salesforce pulls from with product information (?) and the sandbox/training version does not have that report or data set to pull from.Another issue seems to be that Salesforce Expert's enumeration of steps is not in alignment with the steps Senior Manager says we need to do in order to successfully create an order (Salesforce Expert says we do not need to send for approval, Senior Manager says we do, supervisor does not know who would be handling the 'approval' process or where those orders would go 'for approval')
Supervisor is great; she is not expecting us to be subject matter experts, have proficiency. or know exactly what we are doing at this point. The team is collaborative, if disorganized, and everyone seems to have a good sense of humor about things. Supervisor says that some team members are asking her if they can use 'her temps' for other projects in the meantime and she would prefer us to continue to review meeting notes and recordings as well as product information for now. She seems to like the questions we are asking, and the fact that we're interested and engaged with the project. So as long as she's happy with us, I'm OK.
So I wrote up a recap and sent to my recruiter to keep her in the loop. No one seems unhappy with my work, but things seem kind of disorganized on their end at the moment. Management, trainers, etc. seem to just be bumbling around without much of a clue
I was definitely feeling this after Thursday's meeting.
"Colleagues also tend to vent to coworkers, sharing their frustrations in a process called "co-rumination" -- which can hurt the overall atmosphere and make productivity issues even worse."
I definitely did a bit of this through Teams with my new colleagues; but we are all pretty new so we tried to turn it around and make it seem as positive as possible rather than like a shitshow.
"Chatting with your colleague about how to deal with the situation for the future, getting their thoughts, engaging in sense-making where you're trying to understand, taking different perspectives on what just happened -- those types of conversations increase your skills and your resilience when you do have a bad meeting,"
Definitely want to try and develop some coping skills around this, become more comfortable with 'ambiguity' and understand that these problems are not my problems.
but also covered my ass as much as possible by letting my recruiter know what's up.
a handful of my colleagues from the previous contract got on as full time employees at the same place. They start 3/10. That could have also been me if I had not felt so honor-bound to stick by my committment to the recruiter --she asked first, so I accepted and didn't want to leave her hanging (plus was misled by my temp agency recruiter into thinking that there was no longer a permanent job available, that it was going to be another 6 month contract instead, which spurred me to accept the remote temp job, since I thought I was comparing two temp positions). I am definitely having a lot of second thoughts about that decision. I don't know why I beat myself up with 'shouldas'....that opportunity has passed and it's gone. I fucked it up, now it's time to suck it up. No point in dwelling on 'shoulda'.
I have not done much work on my data analyst course this past week even though I theoretically had the time to do so. I ordered an ikea laptop desk and will be trying to make a bit more order of my work space; I thought it would be easier to switch between work laptop and personal laptop, just unplug and replug keyboard mouse and big monitor between the 2 docks but it's a big mess of wires and junk and so I am going to have to regroup and actually have to unbox the big monitor the company sent to go along with my work laptop, as well as their wireless mouse and keyboard. My work room is a mess.I cleaned my personal desk but my work area is kind of a hodgepodge of janky desk and a couple of storage bins that things are stacked on. the plug outlet situation in this room is also terrible. I will spend some time this weekend getting squared away and trying to make sense of things. It doesnt' help that I don't have a 'work process' established as of yet so I don't have a good feel for what placement of screens will make the best sense. oh well. befriending ambiguity. yes yes.
Well, I'm not very good at being practical and saving my money for important things. I'm trying. But a couple weeks ago I had a little sinking spell and decided to treat myself..... in my defense, Demeter was having a sale. I got the "Dark Flowers" sampler set. Plus two vanillas: Vanilla Bark (pretty nice, comes off as kind of a sandalwood, dont' get much vanilla at all) and Hawaiian Vanilla (too much coconut and the vanilla is fake/chemically. too bad.)
I'm wearing 'Witching Hour' right now and it's gorgeous. Kind of an 'older woman out for a fancy occasion' sophisticated scent. Probably not a daily choice.
Witching Hour:Deep and sensual, without being at all too dark, this fragrance uses exotic ingredients - two kinds of Amber, Blood Orange, and Vanilla Orchid petals - to make this blend unique.
Dark Roses: Rose Water Tea, Thorny Stem Bulgarian Rose Petals, and Davana Blossom are topped with Red Currants and anchored by an earthy Patchouli, Dark Amber and Haitian Vetiver: a deep, dark swirl unlike anything else you have experienced in a Rose-inspired scent.
Vampire Blooms: Poisonous Belladonna, Dracula Orchid, and the Nicotiana plant form the deep, dark heart of this fragrance, rounded with peppery Maile Leaves and Ivy, smoothed and coordinated by a sheer veil of Madagascar Vanilla, White Musk and Mandarin Peel.
Transfixed: The sexy center of this fragrance revolves around Ylang Ylang and Red Poppies, grounded with Tobacco Leaves and Black Vanilla Bean, while taking flights of fancy with a frosty medicinal accord and powdery Coca Petals.
Mystical Blooms: Mystical Blooms is an enchanting fragrance with a core of Night Blooming Orchid and Crimson Dahlia, shrouded in a veil of elusive tobacco and musk notes. . Its top notes exude a hint of enigmatic spices, like Saffron, and unique fruity scents, like Bergamot and Fig Nectar, luring you into an ethereal journey.
As the scent develops, a sense of intrigue intensifies, drawing you deeper into its mysterious allure. Woods and musky undertones emerge, adding an aura of seductive secrecy. Like a moonlit garden under a starless sky, Mystical Blooms captivates with its enigmatic and haunting presence.
This fragrance is for those who embrace the unknown, seeking an olfactory adventure that transcends the boundaries of light and dark, revealing the magic that lies within the shadows. Mystical Blooms leaves an enigmatic trail, tempting others to unravel its secrets, but it remains an enigma, forever elusive and entrancing.
Shadow Flowers: Shadow Flowers is an enigmatic and alluring fragrance that exudes a mysterious and haunting charm. At its core, it embraces a delicate yet intoxicating blend of elusive dark blooms, including Jasmine, Sambac, and fiery Tuberose Absolute, all shrouded in an air of darkness.
The fragrance opens with ethereal wisps of misty dew-kissed sparkling peach and Orange Blossom, evoking the sensation of wandering through a moonlit garden under the cover of night. As it develops, an aura of intrigue deepens with a touch of Patchoui and an Amber accord, adding an alluring complexity to the floral bouquet.
Shadow Flowers captivates with its unique duality, both dark and light, tender and mysterious. It represents the beauty found in the hidden corners of the world, evoking a sense of fascination and wonder.
This fragrance is for those who embrace the enigma of life, seeking a scent that transcends the ordinary and reveals the allure of the unknown. With Shadow Flowers, you'll leave a hauntingly elegant impression, a trail of mesmerizing allure that lingers long after you've passed, inviting others to be drawn into your captivating world of shadows and blooms.
Ominous Mist: Ominous Mist is an intriguing and evocative fragrance that transports you to a realm of mystery and intrigue. At its heart, it entwines a blend of dark notes with bursts of brightness, reminiscent of a dense mist cloaking a hidden forest on a moonless night. Within this enigmatic mist, whispers of Sandalwood, Cedar and a fantasy wood accord create a sense of eerie serenity.
The fragrance opens with a burst of Black Raspberry, Mandarin Orange and Blood Orange, capturing the essence of the mist as it embraces you in its ethereal embrace. As it evolves, hints of aromatic Jasmine and Orange Blossom add depth and complexity to the atmospheric blend.
Ominous Mist encapsulates the allure of the unknown, offering a captivating olfactory journey that dares you to explore and embrace the enigmatic. It is a fragrance for those who embrace their inner darkness, finding beauty in the mysterious and uncharted territories of life.
Haunted Souls: Haunted Souls is an evocative fragrance that delves into the depths of emotions and memories, capturing the essence of souls that linger in the realm of the living. At its core, it intertwines a blend of dark and introspective notes, embodying a deep, melancholic symphony of Patchouli, Smoky Myrrh and Leather.
The fragrance opens with a touch of mystery, like wisps of ethereal mist of Bergamot, Saffron and Coco Blossom, rising from forgotten graves, setting the stage for an immersive olfactory experience. As it evolves, delicate whispers of Midnight Jasmine and Tuberose emerge, adding a sense of nostalgia and timeless elegance.
Haunted Souls encapsulates the essence of introspection and the haunting beauty found in the depths of the human spirit. It is a fragrance for those who embrace their emotions, exploring the shadows of their souls with grace and courage.
Things are hopping along; my 6 month hybrid-work contract ended exactly on schedule. About a week before the end of the contract, i interviewed for a full time permanent job at the same place, figuring I'd made a decent impression and showed some familiarity with their systems, etc. 2-3 days before end of contract, my temp agency recruiter let me know that the management team had 'decided to go in a different direction' and was offering the role as a 6 month 'contract to hire' and that if I wanted it, I'd be expected to interview again for it. I had done some digging in glassdoor and knew they were cheaping out. I know that's how rich people stay rich, but after my 6 month stint as one of the 3 people who actually completed the project and didn't leave anything hanging, I felt kind of insulted.
Meanwhile, my recruiter from the disaster job I had for, like, 2 weeks last summer had kept me in mind because the job was so obviously fubared from the employer's end, not mine. She asked me if I'd be up for a 6 month fully remote contract starting in March. I said 'hell yeah," had that interview yesterday with the onsite manager at the place I'd be temping, and got an offer today. Starting March 3 or 4. Fully remote, $2 less per hour than my hybrid/remote job, BUT I"m not in traffic 3+ hours a week, no business casual, hell no pants if I dont' want. The only downside is that the company is Eastern time so I'd be getting up earlier than I like. BUT, my commute is literally the room next to my bedroom, so it's not too terrible. Might have to change up the dog walking schedule a little, but we'll see.
and I'm plugging away at the Data Analyst Bootcamp class online; I got it 'on sale' for $1500 and then had to get a newish laptop that had audio and video capability since my home desktop machine doesn't have those things... it says it's a 10-12 week course if you are able to devote 7 hours a week to the course. I am a little slower than that, but I am going to try very hard to have it finished up by end of the 6 month remote contract so that I'll be able to transition into a nice $$$$$$ Data Analyst job in the Fall.
I'll be putting away $7k for next year's property taxes $7K (at least) for Pepita's 2nd opinion and possible hip surgery and keeping up with day to day expenses and maybe a few fun things too. Some folks are looking at a cruise in early 2026 that might be fun, assuming we have a good dog sitter available.
I really want to revamp the work/computer/craft room and Thax and I keep talking about doing some big work in the kitchen. I've been wanting a gas stove for forever and the flooring in there is the worst cheap crap ever.
In the 2ish weeks between now and start date for new job, I am going to try and get some things done here at home.
Kitchen: (I swept and mopped today and got mostly caught up on dishes) Organize pantry Organize/clean out fridge organize/ clean out cabinets
Bathroom: clean out/organize cabinets donate ratty towels to animal shelter
Bedroom: clean out/organize closet and drawers. I have too many socks and t shirts.
Drop off/donate coloring books (Square Rut Kava?) Drop off/donate witchy books (The Vortex and/or Yarrow & Sage?)
and if the weather warms up and gets nice again, take the dogs to bull creek park on a weekday to hike around and let them just run around off leash.
As always it seems odd to be doing well when things in the world are going badly. I'm calling my senators and congressman daily to let them know I disapprove of the insanity of Elmo Skum and El Stinko, for all the good it does. And here in TX, letting gov and lt gov know my thoughts. It's stupid and annoying; I know that my opinion does fuckall but it feels better than doing nothing.
Ya know, when you've been in a shitty relationship or have been through a crappy breakup, or whatever...you (Me, I mean) go through a period of analysis; who did what to whom, who did it first, who did it worst, who is the bad guy. You may or may not discover or decide that the person you used to love or care about is personality-disordered in some way. They may or may not actually be personality disordered, that may just be something you need to learn about and go through in order to get to your own peace of mind.
There's a school of thought that declares "if you spot it, you got it," and I think that can be true for a lot of things.
But there is also room for discernment and indeed judgement in life, when you really need to trust that what you have seen and experienced was a true thing. That you did not do anything to invite or ask another person to treat you badly, disregard your needs and feelings, and talk shit about you to other people & try to turn them against you... it's OK to get to the end of that period of introspection and discovery and conclude "I am a good person and I did not deserve to be treated like that,"
You can also go through that period of analysis and see that, yes, you did make mistakes. You were selfish. You were insensitive. You were unkind. You did some smear campaigning and attempted recruitment of flying monkeys yourownself.
I think, in the end, what would be the difference between yourself and the narcissist/abuser is that you are able to recognize what you did wrong, learn from it, and do better next time.
People who are personality disordered just tend to cycle through the same drama over and over and OVER again. The same story with themselves as the blameless victim of other people's mistreatment. I mean, yeah, some of us do have a bad 'picker' and end up with a few user loser scumbags in a row...but after watching the same story play out over the last 30-ish years in one instance, I can pretty much guarantee you that the person yelling about narcississtic abuse and flying monkeys...is the one who tends to be perpetrating narcisssistic abuse and siccing flying monkeys on the latest villain in their 'oh poor me' show.
sad and wierd. Not worth any more of my time or energy.
Well,shit. Neil Gaiman is allegedly a rapist creeper.
I read the Vulture article and it was lurid and disturbing. A couple of things stood out, that his ex or soon to be ex wife brought home this impoverished, homeless, mentally ill young woman to be her babysitter and told Neil "dont' touch, not for you" and then later on as they had sex and whatnot, he allegedly said something along the lines of "i wish it was the good old days when Amanda and I could f-- you together,"....so, if true, this could be something that he and she did together with fans or vulnerable people, some kind of narcissistic sex game. Reeks of 'trafficking' in the same way as Ghislaine Maxwell making friends with young women at the country clubs she visited and then 'introducing' them to Jeffrey Epstein.
The events seem so....I mean, not 'boring' but so....unimaginative in their vileness. 50 shades of grey, derivative from some of his writing, I dunno.
I don't really know what to think. I mean, this is a superstar fantasy/dark fiction writer who has had young women literally begging him to be his sex slave at public events. At some point, the fame and unreality of this constant stream of young women begging to be 'debased' in fantasy by you has got to mess up your head and blur lines of consent and ideas of what women want from you... and also he may have had an abusive childhood being raised by high level true believer Scientologists who engaged in physical and psychological torture sessions as part of their 'spiritual practice.
so who the fuck knows. It would not surprise me if he behaved in a selfish and insensitive way sexually. hell, I've met guys who were like that who either didn't understand or didn't care about whether or not I got off...obviously not rapists, consent was there, they were just clueless and uncaring once they got into their own pleasure and if they finished and I didn't, well...that's life, ya know?
*if* these things happened in front of their child, it's gross. super gross. And apparently Palmer's only objection was that the child was in the room on his ipad and *not wearing headphones* while Gaiman had sex with the nanny.....fucking EW. That's appalling. And allegedly the child started calling the nanny 'slave' and being rude to her, modeling the behavior he saw with his father. That is very gross and nasty. But honestly I've seen rich kids being nasty to servants before in my life, and it's just because they are wealthy and their upbringing has taught them not to respect 'the help' as human beings. There's a story about Barron Trump throwing a fit on an airplane and treating staff badly, ffs. it's gross but it happens. Rich people do, apparently,suck. Many of them. Maybe not all.
This is all 'alleged' and coming from...unreliable... source. I don't know. Gaiman's writing is dark. I don't think you can write such things from a source that is untainted by personal pain or personal experience. What that experience is or was, I don't have any way to know.
Here's a good summary I read in reddit:
Two women. One about an alleged incident in 2005, one about an alleged incident in 2022.
Both accusations were made recently and allegedly occurred during consensual relationships. Both accusations shared a power dynamic imbalance.
The first involved a fan he met at a signing when she was 18 and he was in his early 40s. They entered a consensual relationship two years later. She alleged assault through pressure into having sex when she did not want to on a few occasions throughout the relationship
The second involved his babysitter with whom he shared a bath and made out, within a few hours of meeting her. She is in her early 20s and this occurred during pandemic lockdowns in New Zealand. The allegation is that he inserted his fingers inside her when she did not want it. They continued the relationship for three weeks. At some point a complaint was filed with New Zealand police but there is no known court case or criminal investigation currently impending.
The allegations were revealed via a podcast. The podcast is controversial in that it is run by Boris Johnson's sister and she has been feuding online with Gaiman because of his support for the trans community, which she firmly stands against.
As of now, the only source and record of the allegations comes from the podcast. The podcast also has shaky and limited sources/evidence. This has created controversy online because there is suspicion of political motivation.
Time will show if more women come forward and if their allegations match similar behaviour. Hopefully more information comes out.
the final 5 weeks of my temp job are going to be an introvert's hell. I will be on zoom calls literally all day every day. I am really hoping that monday's 'quick connect' with the supervisor who just started in Dec will be something along the lines of 'we got all the info we need, y'all can piss off now,' Since the holiday break I do be feelin' like we are somebody's broken toys. Like they are going to take the work we did, make some spreadsheets and powerpoints about it and use it to sell their next idea for 'improvement' to the Powers That Be. As far as I know, the supervisor they hired hasn't extended any permanent full time offers to anyone on our team of contractors. (but if they had, maybe they are keeping it quiet)
Honestly, if we were just going by numbers, if there was a position to give, they should have offered it to me (or posted it and strongly encouraged me to apply, at least)....but the new boss gives a vibe that he doesn't care for me. Nothing specific, just....one can tell when a male person of authority is taking a dislike to one on the basis of ....whatever it is that is 'wrong' with me and makes me rub certain people the wrong way. (smart, old, fat, female, outspoken, honest, competent, don't suffer fools gladly, whatever it is. the thing that is wrong with me and I don't know what it is and not entirely sure I'd change it if I did know...)
I have learned a lot and gotten good at using the tools and databases, I have gotten the work done, I have stayed organized and on-task, I have been pleasant and professional to my teammates, I have developed a good working relationship with most of the high level high earner execs that I am expected to meet with repeatedly, I have been one of the approx. 1/3 of our team who have consistently been in-office on the mandatory 'in office' days 3 days a week, I have kept to the dress code, I have been reliable and punctual and what have you. But I still feel like I failed in some way to fit in and do....whatever it is.... (the non neurotypical, depressive, adhd, whatever it is that is wrong with me that makes me never, ever fit in or be normal and I have no idea what I'm doing wrong *thing*)
Anyway I am having a lot of anxiety about the upcoming nonstop calls, end of project, and whatever I am going to do next for $. And I hate that I am letting this worry ruin my weekend and keep me from getting to sleep.
On the plus side, I had enough socked away that I did manage to pay property tax on the house this month and buy myself an ebike and have enough saved so that I can take care of basic bills for a few months before I have to worry too hard about finding the next job. I wanted to also have enough saved up to get a 2nd opinion on Pepita's hips and get her surgery if the 2nd vet agrees. didn't get enough saved for that one. But two out of 3 financial goals during this contract? That's pretty good, I think.
One of my fellow contractors was taking a data analyst bootcamp course and has had several recruiters reach out to her and at least one interview that I know of--Big Fruit Company, for something like $56/hr. She is super positive and helpful and kind. Two more of our group have started taking the same course because she talked it up so much. I may go ahead and sign up, it's 10 weeks and a couple thousand dollars but may yield the ability to work remotely and make good money.... that would be a hell of a thing. Internet,VPN, and life in Belize could be a real thing. I'd still have to convince the husband to move, but with the ability to earn from wherever i am, and the cost of living in Belize being much lower, all of that could be persuasive.
anyhoo....let's get thru the next 5 weeks and see how it goes.
visited Mom today; told her about the dream I had last night about her and my stepdad Greg taking me to the airport after rescuing my sister's dog....and she smiled when I told her how Greg had everything squared away and taken care of for getting the dog on the plane, in a kennel and with the right papers... I said "I miss him" and she said "I miss him too," and a little later in the visit my brother A. and I were chatting about the afterlife or the next world, some term like that, and Mom said she'd been dreaming about the next world (she rarely gets out a whole sentence these days, so that was big) and I asked if it scared her and she got the most huge and happy smile on her face and said "No. It's wonderful," I hope she can make that step soon. not because I'm hateful or selfish but because she is suffering and I know she's wanted to go for a long time now.
Back on the triple reuptake inhibitor, feeling good. I found it for a reasonable price, almost $100 less than what I was paying before. Still expensive but it works. slightly concerned about one of the potential side effects--elevated blood pressure. it was already trending to the high end of 'normal'
Got the front room of the house done up - new flooring and a pocket door. At some point, need to repaint/touch up paint, and move things back in from the garage.
The garage needs serious clearing-out.
My work room needs serious clearing-out.
Today I've walked dogs, gone to the grocery store/planned dinners for the week, started a load of laundry, made a chicken tetrazini caserole for tomorrows' supper (just have to put it in the oven tomorrow! easypeasy!), and thinking about unloading & reloading the dishwasher. Feeling pretty good, but also like I haven't done enough with today.
bad weather is coming tonight and next week. I hope they tell us to work remotely all week, I'd like to not even think about driving in ice/snow. I can do my job from home and prefer it (especially the zoom calls) so I hope that works out.
Contract should be ending mid to end of Feb. I am hoping to get some guidance on the exact last day so I can schedule all my remaining calls accordingly.
Some coworkars are way behind on their data gathering/spreadsheet filing out, so I helped with that last week, but as of 1/6 we have the go-ahead to start scheduling calls, so that's going to be my priority. Get my own shit done.
I don't anticipate the contract being extended.
I don't think I'll be getting a permanent offer. Not that I'm doing a bad job, in fact I'm doing really well, BUT....I get a sense that is not how this company works.
Oh well. I have enough to pay property taxes (due by end of Jan) and I'll sock away a few more paychecks that should give me a 2-3 month padding before finding the next job will be *critical*
I have a growing list of things I'd like to do with the house & such. Get the rest of the house floored, new roof--they make metal roofs that look like composite now, they're pretty cool, mini split ac/heat units for renter's room and our bedroom, still need to get a 2nd opinion on Pepita's hips and whether or not to do a surgery.
And of course we are about to get a wacky president who could do who-knows-what to all of us, depending on his enablers, their agenda, and his ego/health/level of crazy. Things could go tits up real quick in this country, or they could continue to limp along with at least a veneer of normalcy. Honestly I looked through some stuff about Project 2025 and most of it is already in place here in TX. As an old white lady past childbearing years, it's gross to be around such ignorant shithead laws and lawmakers but it does not actually harm me personally.
I guess that's how the nazis got away with what they did, for as long as they did. Most people weren't impacted at all. :/ yuck.
Been distracting myself from reality by watching some stupid drama go down on social media; same old patterns of behavior. I am far too compassionate towards one party; I do realize they are traumatized and coming from an abusive childhood and whatever...but every once in a while I do get the fact-in-the-face that their damage is not a good excuse for their pattern of grooming and abusing others...and then smack into that wall of 'gee, it does seem like a lot of pagan/poly/niche hobby/fringe lifestyle people are fucked up and those communities seem to allow fucked up behavior and predators to thrive,"... blecch. I need to quit looking at any of that.
I am also wondering if and how to quit keeping up with news, politics, and current events. There is fuck-all I can do to prevent the shit that is coming for the nation and the world. I've done what i can to shore up my own resources....I don't know what continuing to look at it will actually do as far as warning or helping me survive.
things kinda suck, out there....but for me personally things are peaceful, pleasant,and dare i say...prosperous.
3. You are free to make your choice, you are not free of the consequences.
4. Life is not fair.
5. You are not the boss.
6. The world does not revolve around you.
7. Respect is earned, it is not just given.
8. The world owes you nothing. work for it.
9. Fits and Tantrums will get you nothing. Stop wasting your time.
10. You put yourself here. You need to fix you. 11. Shut your mouth, open your ears.
I read this recently on FB. It seems very unkind, unnecessarily harsh and brutal, to me. I understand folks value 'just tellin it like it is' and 'brutal honesty' and while these things may hold some truth, I think there is a kinder way to approach "reality:
1) Bad behavior is a sign that the one behaving 'badly' is in distress, out of 'cope' or possibly traumatized and triggered. We are all responsible for our own behavior, but perhaps that can encompass recognizing that when another is 'behaving badly' they may be in need of compassion more than judgement, punishment, or 'reward' for that matter. We don't need to coddle people who are bullies or assholes but we can take a breath and respond with better behavior rather than meeting 'bad behavior' with more 'bad behavior'.
2) Being told 'no' is indeed part of life. It's ok to feel disappointed, let down, or even lied to if you were expecting something other than 'no'. It's not OK to throw a fit or be an asshole about it. But again, we can take a breath and respond with compassion to ourselves and others when experiencing disappointment or hurt feelings over hearing 'no'.
3) You are free to make choices. You do get consequences for choices. When introducing consequences to others, there's no need to bully or rebuke or be harsher than necessary in order to make your point.
4) Life is not fair, and that is the fact, Jack. You, however, can strive to be fair in dealing with others and reduce the unfairness of Life within your own sphere of influence. And, honestly, sometimes life's unfairness does come out in your favor rather than against you...that's also true.
5) You are not the boss? You may actually be the boss, if you are a business owner or manager or leader. Or not. Regardless of your station in life, you are the boss of yourself, so remember to set expectations fairly, reward yourself for success, and learn from failures. The place I am working now does not use the term 'failure' ....it uses the word 'opportunities' to define any area in which we've come short of our company goals. I like that and I am going to try and apply it in my personal life.
6) The world does not revolve around you is something that unfortunately I hear a lot of really mean-spirited and unkind adults use to minimize and dismiss the feelings, fears, and concerns of other adults, subordinates, and children... each person's world does indeed revolve around them. I dont mean that in a pathological, narcissistic way. I just mean..we are the only person experiencing life in the way we are. Each of us has a 'world' that does indeed revolve around ourselves, it's the only way most of us experience our lives, from that single viewpoint. empathy and compassion can offer a glimpse of another person's experience or their world, but ....this seems like an unkind and dismisive thing to say, and often I hear it when someone is trying to gaslight or minimize another person's distress. It's not helpful. Strike it from your vocabulary. If you feel someone is being utterly selfish and not taking others' needs or feelings into consideration, behaving as if the world is revolving only around them, there are better ways to invite them to have empathy and compassion and adopt a less selfish mindset.
7) "Respect is earned" is so fukkin toxic. I can't even. Go into every interaction with an attitude of respect for the other people you are meeting. If they are rude or obnoxious, aggressive, or threatening, THEN withdraw your respect. Not before. Don't approach every interaction as the other person needing to 'prove' they are worthy in order to be treated kindly. That's just an ugly way to treat other people and an ugly way to go through life.
8) The world owes you nothing. ...another ugly way to speak and think; treating other people as though their needs are an unpleasant burden upon the earth. Is that how you feel about yourself? is that how you treat children and disabled and old folks? Be better. A sense of entitlement is ugly and unpleasant, but it's not kind to dismiss the legitimate needs and rights of others. I think the world might be a better place if we all adopted an attitude of being entitled to at least a basic level of dignity simply for being human and alive. Not a matter of 'owing anything' but just a matter of being entitled to be cared for at a basic level by the people you were born to and the society you are trying to participate in....
9) Fits and tantrums will get you nothing...another situation in which you may be observing 'bad behavior' that is an outcry of distress, trauma, pain, and being triggered. Respond with compassion, don't react with negativity. See where that gets ya.
10) You put yourself here. You need to fix you. --- yes, you may have made choices which led to a negative outcome. Unfortunately we are all the product of so many interactions over time; we do think of ourselves in the ways we were treated and spoken to as children, the way we may have been abused or neglected or ignored by bosses or partners or friends we trusted to treat us kindly. It's important to recognize the shitty patterns that may have brought us to this negative place. And it's imperative to do whatever we can to fix ourselves once we recognize these patterns. Easier said than done. Why react with more negativity against a person who is already suffering?
11) Shut your mouth, open your ears.....this sounds like another negative, judgey, bullying comment from an adult to a child or subordinate. Listening is important. telling other people to shut up is gross and mean. Even if they do talk too much and listen too little, this is not a phrase that would encourage them to change that behavior. LIke, at alllll.
Anyway....I need to finish writing thank you notes. And think about taking down xmas decorations. la la la.
I have noticed in the past that one can practically set ones clock by the regular outbursts of drama from disordered, wounded, traumatized people. The cycle is not hard to see, but it's likely very hard to spot if you're in the middle of it, and it's certainly hard to stop once you've started being triggered/triggering yourself. I have compassion. At some point in my past I might have tried to interfere, intervene, egg-on, pile-on, or otherwise contribute to the chaos and misery.
This year I'm just watching.
Person J has something that person A wants; success, a nice website, a good business, the respect of their community, an online presence that people read and enjoy. An assortment of people and property that is desirable and enviable.
Person A sucks up, flatters, emulates, mimics, and mirrors, doing their best to coax and flatter person J so that some of their qualities will reflect positively on Person A, or in hopes that some of J's success and reputation will magically rub off or be absorbed by A. I mean, it's not an entire recipe for failure; one of the steps from the 12 step programs I've been involved with in the past mentions this specifically: Stick with Winners in order to grow. NLP has a similar approach to modeling success--observe people who are successfully achieving things that you yourself aspire to, watch what they do, and use their successful actions as models for building your own success. It's a good strategy.
But then you get the disordered person's inability to self reflect, inability to truly look within and be honest with themselves. They are so fragile, wounded, and traumatized that acknowledging shortcomings or failures would be devastating to them; so they may be able to model some or all of the 'successful' behaviors, but they are not able to see their own self sabotaging, unsuccessful, unproductive behaviors. And without seeing them, they can't even start to try to change them. The good things that happen to them are because they successfully modeled successful adulting, the bad things that happen to them are in the blind spot about their own behavior, so they become 'someone else' doing 'something' to harm them.
I've noticed that in situations where the damaged, traumatized, broken person is having frustration and not experiencing success, they are quick to blame the mentors, or the people they were trying to fit in with, for their failure. All of the blind spots they have about their own behavior, they project on to the people they were admiring and emulating. Their failure cannot be their own fault, it must be because the people they chose to admire are flawed in the exact same way they cannot/will not/refuse to see in themselves.
Every. single. thing. they say at this point to slander and abuse their former idol is true of themselves and their relationshps:
Person A claims that their partner M. hates J because J is the one who yells at him in front of others, harasses him 24/7, and mistreat other people, animals, and property, because A and M are so trauma-bonded, that A cannot see that what A is saying about J is actually true about A. M's existence, relationship, and grasp on sanity is dependent on NOT seeing or recognizing that the behavior attributed to J is actually coming from A, first and worst and for a longer duration than anything J might have ever said or done to M.
At the same time, A is contending with a harsh and cruel inner voice (probably echoes of a parent during their upbringing) chastising them for their behavior. Again, A's ego and trauma do not allow A to perceive this inner voice as a harsh echo from childhood, directed at behaviors that were and are problematic in A. So A flings these harsh inner critic's words at J, the person A admired, then envied, then projected against, and now wants to destroy. "You're not the boss, the world doesn't revolve around you, fits and tantrums aren't going to get you what you want, suck it up, respect is earned," and various other hateful things on endless loop in their own heads, directed from their inner abusive parent against their inner traumatized child.
someone blowing up their facebook with facticles and listicles about 'narcissists' and how a 'narcissist' is currently destroying her life.... LOLOLOL. I mean, correct, but not in the way it's being framed in the person's eternal victim mentality. the person is the narcissisist, destroying their own life. If this were a young person with the often stunning lack of self awareness & selfishness of a young person, I'd offer them this advice. But, at 54 years of age, and with a suspicion that this person is actually personality disordered, the possibility of growth and change is very limited. Not sad for them so much as sad for everyone and everything they ruin with their presence and continued self sabotage, inability to reflect, inability to improve, and constant blame & shame game & victim-playing. sad.
Self-awareness is a vital trait that allows us to understand our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors and how they impact those around us. It’s the foundation for personal growth, better decision-making, and effective communication. When someone lacks self-awareness, it can lead to misunderstandings, strained relationships, and missed opportunities for improvement.
In this blog, we'll explore common signs of lacking self-awareness and how becoming more aware can enhance your personal and professional life.
1. You Frequently Blame Others for Your Problems
One of the clearest signs of lacking self-awareness is the tendency to blame others for your difficulties. People who are unaware of their role in problems tend to shift responsibility. Whether it’s a failed project at work or a disagreement with a friend, they rarely look inward to assess their behavior.
For instance, if you find yourself saying things like “It’s all their fault” or “They made me feel this way” without ever questioning your actions or reactions, you might be avoiding self-reflection. Self-aware individuals, on the other hand, take ownership of their actions and learn from their mistakes.
2. You Struggle to Take Constructive Criticism
When someone offers you feedback, how do you react? If you find yourself becoming defensive, dismissive, or even angry when receiving constructive criticism, it’s a sign that you may lack self-awareness. Self-aware individuals accept feedback as an opportunity for growth.
Those lacking self-awareness tend to perceive criticism as a personal attack, which makes them resistant to change. Being open to feedback is crucial for personal development, and acknowledging our weaknesses is the first step toward improvement.
3. You Have Poor Emotional Regulation
Emotional regulation refers to how well you manage and respond to your emotions. If you often feel overwhelmed, react impulsively, or find it difficult to control your emotions, it may be a sign of low self-awareness. For instance, you might snap at someone for a minor inconvenience or feel stressed without knowing why.
Self-aware individuals are more in tune with their emotions and can identify their triggers. They understand how their emotions affect their behavior and can regulate their responses accordingly. Without this awareness, emotions can dominate your actions, leading to irrational decisions and strained relationships.
4. You’re Often the “Victim” in Your Stories
If you constantly see yourself as the victim in your life’s narrative, it could be a sign that you lack self-awareness. People who are unaware of their own flaws or contributions to problems tend to feel that life happens to them, rather than taking control of their circumstances.
Statements like “Why does this always happen to me?” or “I’m always treated unfairly” reflect a victim mentality. While everyone faces challenges, self-aware individuals focus on what they can control, rather than feeling powerless or blaming others.
5. You Have a Hard Time Empathizing with Others
Empathy is a key aspect of emotional intelligence, and without self-awareness, it’s difficult to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. People who lack self-awareness struggle to understand the feelings or perspectives of others, often dismissing or invalidating them.
For example, if a friend is upset and you respond with, “You’re overreacting” or “It’s not that big of a deal,” you’re not considering their emotional state. Self-aware individuals are more likely to be empathetic, as they can understand how their own emotions work and are more attuned to others’ experiences.
6. You Struggle to Recognize Patterns in Your Behavior
If you find yourself repeating the same mistakes, it could be a sign of low self-awareness. Lacking the ability to recognize patterns in your behavior means you might not be learning from past experiences. This can apply to various aspects of life, such as repeating the same type of conflict in relationships or consistently underperforming at work without understanding why.
Self-awareness helps you identify these patterns and take steps to break the cycle. Without it, you’re likely to repeat the same behavior, expecting different results.
7. Your Relationships are Strained
Personal and professional relationships require clear communication, empathy, and understanding—traits that are closely linked to self-awareness. If you notice that your relationships are often marked by conflict or misunderstandings, it could be a sign that you lack self-awareness.
People who are unaware of how their behavior affects others might unintentionally come off as insensitive or unapproachable. They might also fail to see how their actions contribute to the deterioration of the relationship. Self-aware individuals, on the other hand, are better at navigating social dynamics and maintaining healthy relationships.
Having unrealistic expectations of yourself and others is another sign of low self-awareness. This can manifest in two ways: either setting impossibly high standards for yourself or expecting others to meet your needs without clearly communicating them.
For instance, you might expect others to know how you’re feeling without expressing it or assume that everyone should meet your standards. This lack of realistic thinking can lead to disappointment and frustration. Self-aware individuals understand their own limitations and communicate their needs effectively, creating healthier expectations for themselves and others.
9. You Avoid Self-Reflection
Do you find yourself avoiding time alone with your thoughts? If you tend to distract yourself with activities, social media, or other forms of entertainment to avoid self-reflection, it might be a sign that you lack self-awareness.
Self-reflection is a powerful tool for growth, as it allows you to analyze your actions and emotions, and consider how you can improve. Avoiding this introspection can prevent you from recognizing your flaws, weaknesses, or areas where you need to grow.
10. You’re Stuck in Your Comfort Zone
A lack of self-awareness often keeps people in their comfort zones, afraid to try new things or take risks. This fear of failure or judgment can stem from an inability to objectively assess your strengths and weaknesses. Without self-awareness, you might convince yourself that it’s safer to stay where you are, rather than stepping out and growing.
Self-aware individuals are more willing to take risks, as they understand both their capabilities and their areas for improvement. They also recognize that growth often requires stepping outside their comfort zone.
If you recognize some of these signs in yourself, don’t worry—self-awareness is a skill that can be developed over time with effort and practice. Here are some ways to improve your self-awareness:
Practice mindfulness:Mindfulness involves paying attention to your thoughts and feelings without judgment. This practice helps you become more aware of your emotions and how they influence your behavior.
Ask for feedback: Sometimes, we can’t see ourselves clearly, but others can. Don’t be afraid to ask trusted friends, family members, or colleagues for feedback on your behavior and how it affects others.
Reflect regularly: Set aside time each day or week to reflect on your actions, emotions, and reactions. Journaling can be a great tool for this.
Seek professional help: Therapy or coaching can provide valuable insights into your behaviors and patterns that you may not be aware of.
Becoming more self-aware is a journey, not a destination. By recognizing the signs of low self-awareness and taking steps to improve, you’ll set yourself on a path toward better relationships, greater emotional regulation, and personal growth.
In conclusion, self-awareness is a crucial aspect of personal development. When you lack it, you may struggle with relationships, emotional regulation, and personal accountability. By recognizing these signs and making an effort to grow, you can enhance your self-awareness and improve various aspects of your life
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