Death is Near, Make Your Peace
Apr. 10th, 2024 10:45 am Tell people you love them, make whatever peace you need to make, before you die, before those near to you die. Before the time comes that it is too late. And you never know how early that time will be, for you or for anyone near to you.
I've noticed A Thing. The collapsing/aging narcissist (abuser) is past their prime, sick, no longer charming or pretty or capable of much quick wit, no longer capable of performing acrobatically perverted sexual acts that would make a goat vomit with disgust, many or most of their targets have them on no contact, grey rock, limited contact, and they are running out of supply. So they fall back once again to their 'poor pitiful me' act. "You only have one [mother, father, grandmother, bla bla] and I'll be gone soon, so wouldn't it be good to make peace, forgive, bla bla bla"......this of course doesn't mean that the narc abuser will acknowledge their harm, make amends, offer apologies, or improve their behavior. This means that they want you to come running to their deathbed with flowers and gifts and tears and apologies [you. apologize to them. for their abuse of you. yep that's cool, right?]
Adjacent to that is the "I know you don't talk to me about [problem/person/situation] but I have secret breadcrumbs of information I will scatter so that you will ask me about [problem/person/situation] and I can get you all stirred up and upset and irrational and feed on your feelings and use your upset feelings to show everyone that YOU are the problem person in our relationship,"
It is not a genuine wish for reconciliation, peace, or a real apology or extension of forgiveness. It is a manipulation, designed to pull people in for another bite, to make more drama, to get more narcissistic supply by stirring the pot, to set yourself up as some kind of noble soul for extending this olive branch and offering people you've fucked over to come and grovel for your love and forgiveness.
My mom did that to me when she learned that X was having some health issue. She ramped it up [either because of her imaginative nature or penchant for drama, or whatever] to a 'stage 4' diagnosis and "begged" me to "make peace" with her. For the sake of my soul or some shit, I suppose. I resisted her drama and did not re-engage with X. Learned later that it was not as dire of a diagnosis as my mom had said, but she inserted herself into the middle of a situation and made it sound worse than it was in order to feed off drama, set me off and upset me, so that I could once again be the reactive, crazy bag of shit that I am/was in every fucking situation when it comes to me and crazy abusive user assholes.
"Oh I'm dying, please come weep at my deathbed,"....no thanks. If there is genuine mourning for the loss of a relationship, I've done it, and when there is death, I will probably mourn again for what I thought I had with that person, and the bitter reality of what it actually was, and what I wish it had been. Potential to dust.
So, here is where I"m at with "making peace" and "forgiveness" and all of that shit.
I AM at peace with my decisions to exclude certain people from my life for as long as I continue to be alive. What happened, what was said or done, is in the past and is no longer harming me except if I allow myself to rehash those old things and hurt myself with the old stories again. I choose not to do that. Forgiveness is not a transaction. I do not need to re engage with those people in order to discuss what was said and done, when, and to whom, who did it first, who did it worse, why they/I did it. Forgiveness means it is not a current situation, it is not currently harming me, and I am not giving those people any place or power in my life to harm me further. Peace means it is done and I am done. I have made my peace. I will not re-engage with people who have harmed me in the past. If they regret those harms, as I regret the harms I've done, they should take the lesson in how to treat people better (if they are capable of learning, which narcissists are generally NOT) and do so with the people they currently still have in their lives. Take the lesson and do better next time you have a similar situation or opportunity. That is making peace.
I've noticed A Thing. The collapsing/aging narcissist (abuser) is past their prime, sick, no longer charming or pretty or capable of much quick wit, no longer capable of performing acrobatically perverted sexual acts that would make a goat vomit with disgust, many or most of their targets have them on no contact, grey rock, limited contact, and they are running out of supply. So they fall back once again to their 'poor pitiful me' act. "You only have one [mother, father, grandmother, bla bla] and I'll be gone soon, so wouldn't it be good to make peace, forgive, bla bla bla"......this of course doesn't mean that the narc abuser will acknowledge their harm, make amends, offer apologies, or improve their behavior. This means that they want you to come running to their deathbed with flowers and gifts and tears and apologies [you. apologize to them. for their abuse of you. yep that's cool, right?]
Adjacent to that is the "I know you don't talk to me about [problem/person/situation] but I have secret breadcrumbs of information I will scatter so that you will ask me about [problem/person/situation] and I can get you all stirred up and upset and irrational and feed on your feelings and use your upset feelings to show everyone that YOU are the problem person in our relationship,"
It is not a genuine wish for reconciliation, peace, or a real apology or extension of forgiveness. It is a manipulation, designed to pull people in for another bite, to make more drama, to get more narcissistic supply by stirring the pot, to set yourself up as some kind of noble soul for extending this olive branch and offering people you've fucked over to come and grovel for your love and forgiveness.
My mom did that to me when she learned that X was having some health issue. She ramped it up [either because of her imaginative nature or penchant for drama, or whatever] to a 'stage 4' diagnosis and "begged" me to "make peace" with her. For the sake of my soul or some shit, I suppose. I resisted her drama and did not re-engage with X. Learned later that it was not as dire of a diagnosis as my mom had said, but she inserted herself into the middle of a situation and made it sound worse than it was in order to feed off drama, set me off and upset me, so that I could once again be the reactive, crazy bag of shit that I am/was in every fucking situation when it comes to me and crazy abusive user assholes.
"Oh I'm dying, please come weep at my deathbed,"....no thanks. If there is genuine mourning for the loss of a relationship, I've done it, and when there is death, I will probably mourn again for what I thought I had with that person, and the bitter reality of what it actually was, and what I wish it had been. Potential to dust.
So, here is where I"m at with "making peace" and "forgiveness" and all of that shit.
I AM at peace with my decisions to exclude certain people from my life for as long as I continue to be alive. What happened, what was said or done, is in the past and is no longer harming me except if I allow myself to rehash those old things and hurt myself with the old stories again. I choose not to do that. Forgiveness is not a transaction. I do not need to re engage with those people in order to discuss what was said and done, when, and to whom, who did it first, who did it worse, why they/I did it. Forgiveness means it is not a current situation, it is not currently harming me, and I am not giving those people any place or power in my life to harm me further. Peace means it is done and I am done. I have made my peace. I will not re-engage with people who have harmed me in the past. If they regret those harms, as I regret the harms I've done, they should take the lesson in how to treat people better (if they are capable of learning, which narcissists are generally NOT) and do so with the people they currently still have in their lives. Take the lesson and do better next time you have a similar situation or opportunity. That is making peace.