evile

Tell people you love them, make whatever peace you need to make, before you die, before those near to you die. Before the time comes that it is too late. And you never know how early that time will be, for you or for anyone near to you.

I've noticed A Thing. The collapsing/aging narcissist (abuser) is past their prime, sick, no longer charming or pretty or capable of much quick wit, no longer capable of performing acrobatically perverted sexual acts that would make a goat vomit with disgust, many or most of their targets have them on no contact, grey rock, limited contact, and they are running out of supply. So they fall back once again to their 'poor pitiful me' act. "You only have one [mother, father, grandmother, bla bla] and I'll be gone soon, so wouldn't it be good to make peace, forgive, bla bla bla"......this of course doesn't mean that the narc abuser will acknowledge their harm, make amends, offer apologies, or improve their behavior. This means that they want you to come running to their deathbed with flowers and gifts and tears and apologies [you. apologize to them. for their abuse of you. yep that's cool, right?]

Adjacent to that is the "I know you don't talk to me about [problem/person/situation] but I have secret breadcrumbs of information I will scatter so that you will ask me about [problem/person/situation] and I can get you all stirred up and upset and irrational and feed on your feelings and use your upset feelings to show everyone that YOU are the problem person in our relationship,"

It is not a genuine wish for reconciliation, peace, or a real apology or extension of forgiveness. It is a manipulation, designed to pull people in for another bite, to make more drama, to get more narcissistic supply by stirring the pot, to set yourself up as some kind of noble soul for extending this olive branch and offering people you've fucked over to come and grovel for your love and forgiveness.

My mom did that to me when she learned that X was having some health issue. She ramped it up [either because of her imaginative nature or penchant for drama, or whatever] to a 'stage 4' diagnosis and "begged" me to "make peace" with her. For the sake of my soul or some shit, I suppose. I resisted her drama and did not re-engage with X. Learned later that it was not as dire of a diagnosis as my mom had said, but she inserted herself into the middle of a situation and made it sound worse than it was in order to feed off drama, set me off and upset me, so that I could once again be the reactive, crazy bag of shit that I am/was in every fucking situation when it comes to me and crazy abusive user assholes.

"Oh I'm dying, please come weep at my deathbed,"....no thanks. If there is genuine mourning for the loss of a relationship, I've done it, and when there is death, I will probably mourn again for what I thought I had with that person, and the bitter reality of what it actually was, and what I wish it had been. Potential to dust.

So, here is where I"m at with "making peace" and "forgiveness" and all of that shit.

I AM at peace with my decisions to exclude certain people from my life for as long as I continue to be alive. What happened, what was said or done, is in the past and is no longer harming me except if I allow myself to rehash those old things and hurt myself with the old stories again. I choose not to do that. Forgiveness is not a transaction. I do not need to re engage with those people in order to discuss what was said and done, when, and to whom, who did it first, who did it worse, why they/I did it. Forgiveness means it is not a current situation, it is not currently harming me, and I am not giving those people any place or power in my life to harm me further. Peace means it is done and I am done. I have made my peace. I will not re-engage with people who have harmed me in the past. If they regret those harms, as I regret the harms I've done, they should take the lesson in how to treat people better (if they are capable of learning, which narcissists are generally NOT) and do so with the people they currently still have in their lives. Take the lesson and do better next time you have a similar situation or opportunity. That is making peace.

I dreamed that downtown Austin was full of all these really baroque, very 'old europe' style high rises, only they were very brightly painted in pastels and gold leaf. And then there were these canopies between the buildings that basically made all of downtown 'indoors'. It was air conditioned.(kind of reminded me of the big screen over Fremont street in Las Vegas) There were lots of young tech bro types and basically they all lived,worked, and partied in this small area that was very overpriced. Some people from outside would still come to 6th street but it was becoming so unaffordable for anyone but the techbros. I think it was some time in the future and it was so hot out that it was almost unliveable. I was wandering around with someone who worked and lived there and we visited one of her friends, and he gave me this weird little clear tray (like the ones they bring you at restaurants with the bill on it) that I found out later had a copy of his employee ID and last pay stub (he made 11K a month) so I was worried about what I should do with that. We ended up at a bar (there's a theme to these dreams, yes?) and the bartender let us taste this infused bourbon she had been working on. To me it just tasted like unsweetened tea that had gone a little 'off'....I made some kind of joke about how this would be a good bourbon for people who hated bourbon. And then I was at my mom and dad's house in Indiana at Christmas time and I was helping put out all of these Christmas themed rugs and table cloths and pillows everywhere. My mom was back to her normal self in the dream. She said something about the drugs they gave her in the care home not being good for her so she quit taking them. So that was nice. I wish the solution was that easy.

(Back here in RL, my stepdad called yesterday to say he'd gotten my email about Mike V, a friend of mom's from way back, who recently passed. He said he'd told my mom and she was sad but not super broken up about it. She told him that she hadn't really kept up with Mike and that he was from a long time ago. I guess I'm glad she's not super sad about it. Apparently they dated at some point in the past. My aunt L. has a story about how Mom and Mike V were dating and then X's mom J. somehow got her hooks in to MikeV, and snaked him away from my mom, and in L's story, that's why Mom started dating [Sister H]'s dad on the rebound, who turned out to be a bum. So, in L's mind, J is not forgiveable and X is barely any better than her mother.... Imean, experience has shown me that X was indeed a barnacle, but...I don't know how much of Aunt L's story is based in reality. Mom seems to have had a lot of male friends, who were perhaps admirers or lovers, but she didn't seem to be serious about any of them. The V family were just friends of our family, it seems to me, and if there were romantic feelings I don't think it was ever serious. But what do I know? J and Mike V are both gone, it hardly matters anymore, does it? I was sad to learn about Mike V; I'm still Facebookf riends with his sister K. K and the V family have been there for us, they took us out for lunch after my grandmother 'Nanny''s funeral and Papa V, the family patriarch was such a sweet old gentleman; kind of a flirt and a ladies' man up until the end. We went to his funeral and it was such a nice community gathering, his church served food and the older men drank these little glasses of very harsh liquor. Not Grappa I don't think, but something similar. Greek Orthodox. Maybe it was Grappa. Anyway. Everyone was so nice and everyone told stories about Papa V and his life, it was a great celebration. And then K. drove all the way from her house to be at my father's funeral and after-funeral gathering and patiently listened to Grandma B go on and on about unrelated bla-bla so that I could visit with people and talk and hear about my father... so the V's have been there for us a lot ... and I'm sad that there wasn't a service for Mike V and also that I would not have been welcome there even if there had been one....anyhoo...Mike V was 75. I am starting to think 70 or 75 is probably as far as I want to go.My stepdad's mind seems to be wandering a bit and he says he is having balance issues...which worries me. He did have a washer/dryer installed on the main floor of his house so that he won't be going up and down the stairs to the basement anymore. He's retiring at the end of this month and then my mom will be coming home from the care facility to live at home with him....there's still too damn many hazards in that old house, in my opinion...but here we are.)

Current Mood: blah

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Current Mood: awake

I was back in Mt. Gretna, PA. in my summer job that I got after I graduated from college in 1995. I mean, sorta-kinda, it wasn't exactly the same but that was the 'feeling' of the dream, it was supposed to be taking place in that time & place. My SIL skye_ds was there with her young man sonar0m. There was a tree house that he had decorated and spiffed up for us to hang out in, like he made or brought up furniture and posters and it was this cool little hang-out place for us to just put on costumes and hang out and watch TV and be silly. Apparently we also had a club that we went out and went dancing there; she wore all purple and I wore all black. We were trying on costumes in our tree house and she told me I should wear red to the club that night, and she kind of draped this filmy red and gold translucent silk thing around my head and face and attached it to my hair somehow like a veil. We were having a fun time and I didn't want to wake up.

Now that I'm awake, I find I have some insights (like why do I even bother with this woman, but ohwell, my brain)
When I was having my summer flings at Mt Gretna, she was already 4 years into her crappy marriage to my brother sineater; he's a slob and they struggled financially for a long time (maybe still do, I dunnno) It doesn't seem they have ever been truly happy together or truly loved one another in any sort of healthy, positive way. For her, marriage seems to be 'finding someone you hate enough to want to torture for the rest of their lives' and for him marriage seems to be a test of strength and loyalty in the face of dire torture. I don't really get it, but neither of them have left the other though she's threatened many times.

She also tells a story where she married her high school sweetheart right after they graduated and then divorced and he got half her savings. I don't know if it's true or not, but sad if true. She sold her youth far too cheaply and too soon. So, for her, it seems to me that sonar0m and the other young hs/college age guys she's gotten involved with represent some level of re-living those years for herself, and making choices that were more about fun and less about escaping a restrictive home situation.

my ex friend, X, too, married at 18 and has been stuck in her situation ever since. She seems to have a more loving relationship but still sick in a lot of ways (drugs, enabling, financial dependency, etc.) Another who sold their youth too soon and too cheaply. (I don't know why that phrase popped into my head but it's really ringing in there.) I'm glad and grateful now that I kinda fucked off and had some adventures before I finally settled in with old 'Sweetie'....not that he was a great choice, but at least I did some interesting living before settlng in to the domestic workaday grind. I guess i can see why X, someone who married at 18 and had 3 kids (X) and never really had a career or life of her own might be hateful and envious towards me. And I can also see why skye_ds may hate and envy me for my life choices, as well. Ah well. I think they both have the lives they want now, and so do I (ish. I still want to live somewhere besides Texas, still leaning towards Belize, but maybe Colorado)

Anyway, it was a nice dream and I liked being back in the tall trees of Mt. Gretna & having a young and pretty body and a young and silly life.

Current Mood: thoughtful

Absolutely! Intelligence is completely independent of pathology—think of the fictional Doctor Hannibal Lecter,

[1]

for example. Intelligence, in terms of the ability to reason, plan, problem-solve, read and comprehend information, recall facts and dates, and infer data, is completely independent of emotional depth or empathy.

[2]

The worst narcissists I’ve ever met are highly educated, very book-smart people. They are well-read and well-informed on current events and whatever subjects have caught their attention over the years. They are good at getting the big picture and convincing people that they are ‘expert’ at whatever topic because they’re able to capture main concepts and present collections of buzz words with a great deal of confidence and personal authority. Someone who is not well-read or expert at the subject at hand will tend to assume that the narcissist is what they say they are--an expert-- and defer to their presumed authority on the subject.

Please do not confuse emotional intelligence

[3]

with the kind of cleverness, book smarts, or pop culture references that a narcissist can present in lieu of actually having any sort of real humanity.

Footnotes

[1]

Hannibal Lecter - Wikipedia

[2]

Emotional intelligence vs. intellectual intelligence: Where do you stand?

[3]

13 Signs of High Emotional Intelligence

So...I don't have the best organic memory. I don't know if it's some childhood trauma I am blocking which makes me have very little memory at all, or a fall and probable concussion that I do, vaguely, remember happening one summer sometime between the age of 6 and 9. And that's one of the reasons why I've kept a written journal since I was 14. I even have some diaries I kept before that. I keep emails, chat logs, screen caps, voice mail recordings, letters, 'receipts' of all kinds. I have so much 'tea' to spill. So, please stop and consider the value of your smear campaign of lies vs my actual documents. My brain may not work as well as some, but that doesn't mean I have no memories.

Current Mood: annoyed

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Current Mood: Relieved
Current Location: Home
Current Music: Positively 4th Street, Bob Dylan

I wish I was better with 2nd chances, both giving and receiving of them... but I usually just put up with whatever unpleasantness until it finally scrapes my last nerve raw, then *kaboom*, everything is all over with, forever. I don't necessarily like that about myself.

A lot of times it seems people are genuinely surprised and shocked when I finally lose my shit. It's like they've been standing on my toes for 10 years and I finally yell "HEY GET OFF MY TOES!"...so, really, my fault for not recognizing that I'm being violated as soon as it happens the first time and enforcing the boundary politely and calmly the very first time it's violated.

Instead, I let things slide too far and by the time I finally do say something, I'm too angry and in pain to create a situation where we can talk things thru and come to an understanding. it's like...10 years of stomping on me is enough, fuck off. And they may not have realized that they were stomping, they may not have realized I was not OK with stomping, hell, they might have even thought I liked the stomping. So it's not entirely other peoples' fault when this kind of thing eventually goes down.

in more specific examples,

J Law and I had a disagreement in college over something dumb that I don't even remember. We didn't speak until, like, a year later, we both signed up for the same fitness class, and since we were pretty much the only women in the class, and at a similar fitness level, we got partnered up, and eventually started talking again and have maintained our friendship ever since.

there's X. She and I had a falling-out when we were teenagers that we eventually got over (after awhile of not speaking)...but then when we were 34, there was a huge falling out, which left me emotionally devastated and still riddled with bugaboos. So maybe we should have just left it at the verbal/physical slap match at age 17 and not gotten back together after that.

There's my ex. I let things slide with him for a long time, but eventually when he was rude to my stepdad, that was enough, and there were no more second/third/300th chances. OTOH, he did not ever care when I told him what was wrong, what I needed, what I wanted him to do, why I was upset with him, etc. so there was never a situation with him where I said "you did this and it offended me" and he said "Oh, I was not intending to offend you," and we tried again...It was just like I got tired of speaking to a brick wall. All the 2nd chances were internal and he didn't give a shit.

There's my stepbrother, sineater, who takes offense to something I say or do, lets me have it and then gives me the silent treatment until something happens to put us in the same place at the same time. We can manage politeness but I don't think there will ever be more to it than that. He doesn't want to listen to me and apparently I don't want to listen to him, either (mostly because I don't really care to hear what an awful person I am and how everything is all my fault)...so that'll never get fixed. But I'd still be willing to try, if he ever was.

There's my brother A, who at The Rubber Pig's urging/brainwashing, disowned the entire family. Kicked me out of his life with a nasty phone answering machine message that said a bunch of ugly things and bla bla. I doubt we'd have reconciled if he'd stayed with her; but him being locked away from her, and me only able to write to him at first...I was able to write everything out, and he was able to write back and now we are pretty solid.

For me, I guess family gets infinite chances, and they can beat me up as much as they want and I'll come crawling back for more abuse as soon as they indicate that they're willing to speak to me again, and I'm not allowed to have preferences or opinions that are different than theirs, because if I do, then I'm a bad person, and I get beat up and excluded again.

Friends I can be more discriminating, and in general, once I kick a friend to the curb, or a friend kicks me to the curb, that's pretty much it, with the exception of J-Law.

I guess the important thing with J Law is that we actually TALKED, and demonstrated to each other that we were willing to try harder and do better and grow the hell up. So if that could happen with me and anyone, it could probably end up as a 2nd chance. But if all someone wants is the gravy train, a punching bag, a wallet, or an emotional dump heap, I can only deal with that for so long, and then I don't allow it anymore.

Current Mood: blah
Current Location: home

this one feels kind of like I have a tiger by the tail...but I'll put down what I think I know and hopefully revisit with more later.

knighthorse shared this video with me. There is a character, Penelope, who always needs to be the best, have the best, biggest, most of whatever it is that other people are talking about.

I've known people like this and they make me craaaaazy. I'm not competitive in this way, and normally I don't really care if my [fill in the blank] is better, worse, more expensive, or whatever. But I do not like people telling me that my [fill in the blank] is inferior to theirs. Really, who would? I also don't really see the point in people teling me that my [fill in the blank] is better than theirs. My ego isn't tied up with that thing.

So, I put my shoe on the other foot and tried to understand why a person would be like that.

And then I finally caught a glimpse of why some of my friendships and relationships have failed so badly. It's because no matter how kind I try to be (and in fact, the more I try to be kind, the worse it got) the other person ended up feeling either a) resentful or b) inferior. Or maybe both.

Here's how I think it works: I invite people over for dinner, or a housewarming party, or a holiday party. I have planned, cooked, cleaned, and gone all-out to make it the best event it can be. Because that's what I like to do. I'm hedonistic and materialistic, to be sure, but in my way of thinking, nothing I have is worth anything or even particularly enjoyable unless I have people I love to share with. (That may be it's very own mental aberration, but I don't think it's all that destructive, so I'll leave it alone for now.)

So this person (We can call her X, or The Rubber Pig, or "Penelope The Sad,") comes over to my house for dinner or Xmas or a party and immediately their anxiety goes thru the roof.

I think they are thinking either

a) "now that E has given me this nice time, I owe her something as good or better."

or maybe

b) "E is just feeding me this great food and giving me this nice time to show off how much better she is than me."

Or maybe both?

Because that's the way "Penelope" operates. She doesn't give you things because she likes you, she gives you things so you'll owe her equivalent or better things. She doesn't do things strictly because she enjoys them, she does things to show off, so that you will envy her, and she attributes those same motivations to you. Her whole life is this big nasty game: keeping score, getting even, paybacks, punishments, and, ultimately, winning.

So my theory is, if Penelope reaches the conclusion that she doesn't have anything as good or better than yours, she feels inferior and becomes resentful and angry. You big stupid show-off, you.

Likewise, if Penelope *does* give you something or do something for you and you don't turn around and give her something of equivalent or greater value in return, she becomes resentful and angry. Don't you understand YOU OWE HER!? You are not playing by the rules, and you suck.

So...that's why I've lost some people as friends. I was too nice to them, for no reason, and I did not ever understand that a game was being played so I frustrated them by not following the rules. No big loss, after all, but it would have been nice to convince them that they didn't have to 'win' all the time in order to be liked and respected. That I wanted to like them for who they were, rather than what they could give me or do for me. But the game got in the way.

Sad.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Location: work

from

rkentspeth &

oracle_tx

1. If you woke up naked next to the last person you texted what would your reaction be? ( Read more... )

Current Mood: calm
Current Location: work

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Of *course* I have (do?) and of course it's a bad idea. It's emotionally unhealthy and it is painful, both for myself and those who care about me who get tired of watching me poke holes in myself just to watch myself bleed. Or, ya know, maybe not even that dramatic. It's a disgusting habit, like nose-picking, that your friends get embarassed and disgusted when they catch you doing it.

Exes, both friends and lovers, those people are out of my life for a reason. Good or bad, they're gone, and I really don't want them back.

Of course, I'd find it enjoyable to check in on their Myspace, Facebook, and LJ and find them a) suffering terrible misfortunes
b) lamenting about how wrong they were and/or
c) missing me terribly and feeling like complete crap for treating me so bad.

BUT, that is NEVER gonna happen, and my smart brain knows it.

Still, every once in a while, I get bored, or I don't want to focus on something more immediately painful, so I go lookin' at people from my past.

le sigh.

Current Mood: blah
Current Location: work

Current Mood: okay
Current Location: work

So, my mom and X*'s family were friends long before X and I were born. Even though X has made a lot of mistakes and fucked over anyone who ever cared about her, of course her family has stayed in touch with her and with my mom. I'm the only one who took myself out of that loop.

X's stepdad wrote my mom this email:

> [X] called me this afternoon and said she's
> developed advanced ovarian
> cancer. She's meeting her GP and Oncologist tomorrow to
> discuss their findings
> and options. She has also been scheduled for surgery next
> Thursday ( Sept 10)
> and I expect that we'll find out then if the mass has
> metastized (if not
> tomorrow).

I really hated her and wanted her dead.

Now that I'm about to get my wish, apparently, my mom wanted me to know what was going on and tell me I should reconcile. Not as in BFF again but as in "Yom Kippur"...whatever that means.

*background: here's the short version of the X story, and here are the tags relating to or about her in some way.

One of the things I have recently realized is problematic, even pathological, is my tendency to think in terms of all or nothing. The ACOA book I read recently suggests that this black and white thinking is a common trait in adult children of alcoholics. I don't know how to forgive or forget. I don't know how to be OK with someone fucking me over and destroying the childhood of kids I loved...I don't know how to talk to her. As far as I'm concerned, she doesnt' exist anymore. Except when her family or mine reminds me that she does. And then it hurts and makes me sick. So...I don't know how to do this yom kippur thing, whatever it is.

Here we are at the proverbial "wouldn't cross the street to piss on you if you were on fire" moment...now, do I cross the street?

Current Mood: blank
Current Location: work

The magic of Joule shows that skye_ds and desert_rn are friends again.

And just for added funsies, xtallys (see my LJ tag labeled x for the deets on that mess) and skye_ds have friended each other in LJ.

Yeah, I felt the Cosmic punch in the stomach, out there in the aether somewhere.

Skye has used and abused my stepbrother to the point where he is now a broken shell of a man, barely recognizable as the bright, thoughtful, intense, & caring person I used to know.

Xtallys sold my godchild & her brother (s?) for drugs, cried crocodile tears when she got caught and blamed it all on her husband, and is now out in the world, free as a bird and loudly proclaiming she's working those 12 steps, trying to worm her way back into the good graces of anyone she thinks has something she wants. (and let's not forget the nice letter she wrote to my mom about all the child-haters, perverts and wierdos I consort with.)

Fucking disgusting pair.

And I know some of y'all know what desert_rn has been up to lately, the nasty bitch.

Ugh. Where's my flamethrower when I need it?

Current Mood: nauseated
Current Location: work til 2

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yes and yes.

Hindsight shows that it was not a good thing to do.( Read more... )

peace.

{edit}

PS! RL HOBBIT HOUSE!! AWESOME!

Current Mood: peaceful
Current Location: work
Current Music: Bless The Broken Road, Rascal Flatts

I'd actually thought of retiring to Brazil someday...( Read more... )

Survey-type meme:

If you could have one thing right now what would it be?( Read more... )

P. S!

OMG FURBY IS REAL

Current Mood: calm
Current Location: Work
Current Music: Alfie, Lily Allen

I was checking yahoo mail and got a friend request from a gentleman whose profile indicated he is into bestiality with horses and dogs and also wanting to have sex with moms & daughters. What a winner.

I denied his friend request, charming as his profile was...but in clicking through to the yahoo page where you can see pending friends requests and messages and such, I found a message that X. sent me in January. At the time I judged it as more self-serving bullcrap and did not reply, but today I re-read it, thought about her for the first time in a long while, realized I'm not angry anymore. I don't hate her anymore.

I'm still sad and hurt when I think about losing my relationship with her kids and her stepdad...but not angry or full of hate anymore.

I can live with sad and hurt, I think.

And...I am somewhat grateful to her, because if it was not for her and one other person, I might have fallen for my brother A's Pig's narcissistic charm-act, gotten far more involved with trying to be a friend to her and be an 'auntE' to her kids, and might have been facing made-up abuse/molestation charges in jail as we speak, as a result.

So thank goodness for being able to learn lessons in self-preservation from people who are not quite as bad as The Pig, but share many traits with her, nonetheless.

And...thank goodness for my friends with kids who are good, sane, decent people, who let me play with their kiddos and love them and don't punish me and use me because I love their kids. Every time I chat with 'Phine about art or science, or see Ian's laughing little face, play trains with Kai, or hug Ms. Moo, or hold Coley or make Genna laugh or read Quinn a story, I feel more and more healed. I feel able to trust and love and give without feeling used or being punished for it later. That's a good feeling.

Current Mood: better.
Current Location: work
Current Music: Alec Eiffel, The Pixies

( Read more... )

Current Mood: thoughtful

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"I'm sorry" never fixes anything. A lot of people seem to think that those two words can get them out of facing the consequences for any egregious behavior, and that's just not the way it is.( Read more... )

Take all this with as much salt as necessary. I have lots of issues with apologies and forgiveness, in general, and I've rarely, if ever, been able to get it right.

Oh, and to answer the question more concretely and less philosophically: yes. There are 2 people in this world whose actions have been so unremittingly selfish, abusive, insane, and evil that I will NEVER forgive them. Not for what was done to me, personally, but for what I had to see my loved ones go through as a result of trying to cope with the fallout from those actions. Damage that has been passed down to a new generation of wounded innocents. Apologies will never even come close to 'fixing' it.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Location: work

From Stevo in Myspace.

60 Things You Can’t Possibly Know About Me ..( Read more... )

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Location: wrrk
Current Music: Valentine, PD&T

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Entries tagged with x

Death is Near, Make Your Peace

last night's dream

re: tragedy/foo stuff

last night's dream

Quora:Can narcissists be highly intelligent?

Before you start using words like "Liar" and "grudge", please consider:

evilE and the fine art of the grudge

Writer's Block: Take a (second) chance on me

I'm having another thought

101 qs

Writer's Block: Cyberstalking

3 day weekend ahead :)

...

More wickedness a brewin'

Writer's Block: Apology Not Accepted

quizzes & surveys

yay, progress....

Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Traits Discussed

Writer's Block: It's Too Late to Apologize

60 things,