evile: (QThinking)
this one feels kind of like I have a tiger by the tail...but I'll put down what I think I know and hopefully revisit with more later.

[livejournal.com profile] knighthorse shared this video with me. There is a character, Penelope, who always needs to be the best, have the best, biggest, most of whatever it is that other people are talking about.

I've known people like this and they make me craaaaazy. I'm not competitive in this way, and normally I don't really care if my [fill in the blank] is better, worse, more expensive, or whatever. But I do not like people telling me that my [fill in the blank] is inferior to theirs. Really, who would? I also don't really see the point in people teling me that my [fill in the blank] is better than theirs. My ego isn't tied up with that thing.

So, I put my shoe on the other foot and tried to understand why a person would be like that.

And then I finally caught a glimpse of why some of my friendships and relationships have failed so badly. It's because no matter how kind I try to be (and in fact, the more I try to be kind, the worse it got) the other person ended up feeling either a) resentful or b) inferior. Or maybe both.

Here's how I think it works: I invite people over for dinner, or a housewarming party, or a holiday party. I have planned, cooked, cleaned, and gone all-out to make it the best event it can be. Because that's what I like to do. I'm hedonistic and materialistic, to be sure, but in my way of thinking, nothing I have is worth anything or even particularly enjoyable unless I have people I love to share with. (That may be it's very own mental aberration, but I don't think it's all that destructive, so I'll leave it alone for now.)

So this person (We can call her X, or The Rubber Pig, or "Penelope The Sad,") comes over to my house for dinner or Xmas or a party and immediately their anxiety goes thru the roof.

I think they are thinking either

a) "now that E has given me this nice time, I owe her something as good or better."

or maybe

b) "E is just feeding me this great food and giving me this nice time to show off how much better she is than me."

Or maybe both?

Because that's the way "Penelope" operates. She doesn't give you things because she likes you, she gives you things so you'll owe her equivalent or better things. She doesn't do things strictly because she enjoys them, she does things to show off, so that you will envy her, and she attributes those same motivations to you. Her whole life is this big nasty game: keeping score, getting even, paybacks, punishments, and, ultimately, winning.

So my theory is, if Penelope reaches the conclusion that she doesn't have anything as good or better than yours, she feels inferior and becomes resentful and angry. You big stupid show-off, you.

Likewise, if Penelope *does* give you something or do something for you and you don't turn around and give her something of equivalent or greater value in return, she becomes resentful and angry. Don't you understand YOU OWE HER!? You are not playing by the rules, and you suck.

So...that's why I've lost some people as friends. I was too nice to them, for no reason, and I did not ever understand that a game was being played so I frustrated them by not following the rules. No big loss, after all, but it would have been nice to convince them that they didn't have to 'win' all the time in order to be liked and respected. That I wanted to like them for who they were, rather than what they could give me or do for me. But the game got in the way.

Sad.

101 qs

Oct. 16th, 2009 09:39 am
evile: (celtic bat)
from [livejournal.com profile] rkentspeth & [livejournal.com profile] oracle_tx

1. If you woke up naked next to the last person you texted what would your reaction be? Read more... )
evile: (Default)
[Error: unknown template qotd]

Of *course* I have (do?) and of course it's a bad idea. It's emotionally unhealthy and it is painful, both for myself and those who care about me who get tired of watching me poke holes in myself just to watch myself bleed. Or, ya know, maybe not even that dramatic. It's a disgusting habit, like nose-picking, that your friends get embarassed and disgusted when they catch you doing it.

Exes, both friends and lovers, those people are out of my life for a reason. Good or bad, they're gone, and I really don't want them back.

Of course, I'd find it enjoyable to check in on their Myspace, Facebook, and LJ and find them a) suffering terrible misfortunes
b) lamenting about how wrong they were and/or
c) missing me terribly and feeling like complete crap for treating me so bad.

BUT, that is NEVER gonna happen, and my smart brain knows it.

Still, every once in a while, I get bored, or I don't want to focus on something more immediately painful, so I go lookin' at people from my past.

le sigh.
evile: (headphones)
evile: (blinky)
The magic of Joule shows that skye_ds and desert_rn are friends again.

And just for added funsies, xtallys (see my LJ tag labeled x for the deets on that mess) and skye_ds have friended each other in LJ.

Yeah, I felt the Cosmic punch in the stomach, out there in the aether somewhere.

Skye has used and abused my stepbrother to the point where he is now a broken shell of a man, barely recognizable as the bright, thoughtful, intense, & caring person I used to know.

Xtallys sold my godchild & her brother (s?) for drugs, cried crocodile tears when she got caught and blamed it all on her husband, and is now out in the world, free as a bird and loudly proclaiming she's working those 12 steps, trying to worm her way back into the good graces of anyone she thinks has something she wants. (and let's not forget the nice letter she wrote to my mom about all the child-haters, perverts and wierdos I consort with.)

Fucking disgusting pair.

And I know some of y'all know what desert_rn has been up to lately, the nasty bitch.

Ugh. Where's my flamethrower when I need it?
evile: (Default)
[Error: unknown template qotd]

yes and yes.

Hindsight shows that it was not a good thing to do.Read more... )

peace.

{edit}

PS! RL HOBBIT HOUSE!! AWESOME!
evile: (Danger Cat)
I'd actually thought of retiring to Brazil someday...Read more... )

Survey-type meme:

If you could have one thing right now what would it be?Read more... )

P. S!

OMG FURBY IS REAL
evile: (future)
I was checking yahoo mail and got a friend request from a gentleman whose profile indicated he is into bestiality with horses and dogs and also wanting to have sex with moms & daughters. What a winner.

I denied his friend request, charming as his profile was...but in clicking through to the yahoo page where you can see pending friends requests and messages and such, I found a message that X. sent me in January. At the time I judged it as more self-serving bullcrap and did not reply, but today I re-read it, thought about her for the first time in a long while, realized I'm not angry anymore. I don't hate her anymore.

I'm still sad and hurt when I think about losing my relationship with her kids and her stepdad...but not angry or full of hate anymore.

I can live with sad and hurt, I think.

And...I am somewhat grateful to her, because if it was not for her and one other person, I might have fallen for my brother A's Pig's narcissistic charm-act, gotten far more involved with trying to be a friend to her and be an 'auntE' to her kids, and might have been facing made-up abuse/molestation charges in jail as we speak, as a result.

So thank goodness for being able to learn lessons in self-preservation from people who are not quite as bad as The Pig, but share many traits with her, nonetheless.

And...thank goodness for my friends with kids who are good, sane, decent people, who let me play with their kiddos and love them and don't punish me and use me because I love their kids. Every time I chat with 'Phine about art or science, or see Ian's laughing little face, play trains with Kai, or hug Ms. Moo, or hold Coley or make Genna laugh or read Quinn a story, I feel more and more healed. I feel able to trust and love and give without feeling used or being punished for it later. That's a good feeling.
evile: (godhatesyou)
[Error: unknown template qotd]

"I'm sorry" never fixes anything. A lot of people seem to think that those two words can get them out of facing the consequences for any egregious behavior, and that's just not the way it is.Read more... )

Take all this with as much salt as necessary. I have lots of issues with apologies and forgiveness, in general, and I've rarely, if ever, been able to get it right.

Oh, and to answer the question more concretely and less philosophically: yes. There are 2 people in this world whose actions have been so unremittingly selfish, abusive, insane, and evil that I will NEVER forgive them. Not for what was done to me, personally, but for what I had to see my loved ones go through as a result of trying to cope with the fallout from those actions. Damage that has been passed down to a new generation of wounded innocents. Apologies will never even come close to 'fixing' it.

60 things,

Mar. 20th, 2008 03:43 pm
evile: (Default)
From Stevo in Myspace.

60 Things You Can’t Possibly Know About Me ..Read more... )
evile: (TX)
This is a clarification/expansion of my last post. It's not just about money, it's about reciprocating, in whatever ways you can, when you have people in your life that you care about and want to have a relationship with. I probably don't have enough time right now to say this right, but I am going to try.

Until a couple of years ago, my only friend in Austin was a person I'd been friends with all my life. Our mothers were friends in college. We literally knew each other from birth.Read more... )

In contrast to that 'friendship,' I now find myself in the company of a wonderfully diverse bunch of people who seem to value me for...ME.Read more... )

And yet, in the midst of this newfound blessing, I find myself slipping back into the old pattern of giving and doing for someone who is not reciprocating. And unsure, unable, unwilling to ASK for what I would like from them. Hints haven't been good, and hinting has made me feel hypocritical and uncomfortable, as I like to pretend that I'm very outspoken and blunt and always say what I think. I don't want to become a doormat. I don't want to lose a friend. But when all is said and done, I'd rather cut that person loose now than waste any more of my life being used. I guess I am really meant to learn how to ask for what I need from people, how to tell people "no" and stop being a doormat. It's a tough lesson. Bear with me, please. I am trying.

{edit} Here's another thought I had:
Friendship means I have the right to ask for what I want. And you have the right to ask for what you want. Asking for what you need does not in any way obligate the other person to give it to you. If you are unable or unwilling to meet my stated desires or needs, you can say "no", and I reserve that right as well. One NO is not a deal-breaker, it will not end the friendship. A series of NO's, a constant NO, will eventually lead me to believe that since you're unwilling or unable to be a friend on the level I desire, I should seek friendship elsewhere.
evile: (TX)
1. Don't call during their TV shows (which are always on, it seems)

2. My problems are never as big and bad as theirs are, so don't bother mentioning them.

3. My success is a good reason to buy them stuff and do stuff for them. Why else would I be calling to share my happiness?

4. Don't invite them anywhere unless I'm going to pay.

5. No matter how carefully we've planned a get-together, if someone else calls or something comes up, I will be ditched at the last minute.
(5A would be: I am the one to call if none of your other friends are available, there's nothing on TV, the VCR is broken, and the batteries on your vibrator are dead--pretty much the last ditch option.)


6. I'm not interesting enough all by myself to be worth spending time with. I need to invite them to parties and get-togethers where my cool friends will be.

7. Nobody wants to spend time with me for who I am, only for what I have, who I know, and what I can do for them.

And I guess that's about it.

So if anyone was wondering why I am not in the habit of calling, writing, touching bases, or inviting them places...that's why. I've had a bunch of bad friendships that have taught me ugly things and I am trying to unlearn them so I don't create more bad friendships.
evile: (TX)
"Oh, I just don't understand why you're so mad at me!"

Okay...
Read more... )

I call your attention to the words "really use"...that is what you had been doing to me for YEARS and I finally had enough. And as if #1 & 2 wasn't a horrible enough thing to do to someone, #s 3-15 are pretty much deal-breakers.

Okay?

Okay.

[edit: Okay, I know that one of you reading this knows who I'm writing about. And I know that you have seen fit to stir up shit by pointing the person in the direction of my online writings in the past. So please be sure and send the person in question the link to this one. Thanks, 'pal']
evile: (TX)

Okay, this is me giving fair warning: if you see me for the remainder of this week, I will more than likely be on a BIG MEAN DRINKING BINGE.

This week has sucked shit. This week has blown goats. This week has been a big old shit cake with crap icing, whipped crap, and a big nasty rotting tumor that looks like a cherry on top.

* We had to put our dog to sleep.

* My ex friend X and her husband were arrested for drugs at home, in front of their children. I am not sure if they were buying, selling, or dealing, but there were razor blades and all sorts of crap all over their house. The children were given to their step-grandmother for now, but it does not seem to be a permanent placement. (And, yes, I wrote this. And I'm not sorry. I'm thinking of sending it to her in care of wherever she's incarcerated.)

*My ex stepdad and his wife are divorcing.

*My auntie's best friend is in the hospital, and "it's serious".

This week has been rotten and evil and I'm tired of it. My face hurts from crying. My throat hurts. My eyes hurt. I am tired. And I just got a nice guilt trippy little phone call that I should be hanging out in the ER waiting room to see how things go. Like I'd do anyboy any good by being there crying in front of people instead of being at home crying alone.

FTS. I am calling my mommy. And then I am going to bed.

evile: (Bitchplz)
With a Self Righteous Skank, you'd have better chance of driving a rubber nail into a two-by-four than pounding into their thick skulls that something is wrong, and that *they're not being persecuted because they're mystically noble, they're being harangued because their behavior is appalling.*

-TakeAGuess, post on Portalofevil.com, Manawolf's Lair Forum
evile: (blinky)
dream: was at [livejournal.com profile] sineater's (looked like Uncle Bubba's in SA) & toilet had been modified so you could flush dead bodies. septic tank outside was broken, bodies & poop & green stuff oozing out of the ground. Sineater was vacuuming, said someone would be out to clean up the mess soon. ??

WTF

Random thoughts re:

honesty: everyone says they value it, nobody actually does. They'd
rather be lied to, manipulated, tricked, than asked straight out?
X. has gotten used to this form of communication, it wasn't really
her fault she couldn't come right out and ask for whatever she needed
from me...she has not ever been allowed to be honest. Her Mom. Her husband. No
honesty. Proz (?) in Livejournal got hollered at by [livejournal.com profile] ubiquity for being
anti-trans, after Pace apparently asked Proz' opinion on something &
didn't like Proz' honest thoughts.

abuse: I used to blame all of [livejournal.com profile] sineater's problems on [livejournal.com profile] skye_ds, say it was
her fault his life was bad, she is a terrible person for being so
awful to him & the bird & horses...but I have come to realize that
she is desperately unhappy, depressed, self-destructive, and possibly
mentally ill. Does it excuse or exonerate her behavior, to know that
she is at least as horrible to herself as she is to the people
she 'loves'? Is there a valid analogy to the way skye_ds abuses sineater
and the way Alzheimer's patients yell at people for stuff that
happened a long time ago? If you love someone, do you let them hurt
you, knowing they can't help it? Or do you remove yourself because
you know your love can't fix anything?

music: They are playing girlfriend songs on 101x flashback lunch: respect by
erasure-a J-Law song, and There is a light that never goes out, by the
smiths, a D. song.
evile: (TX)

So...Friendship. Trust. Love. and Childfreedom.

Just a few of the issues that have been flying in the shitstorm that has been my life the past few days.

1. Friendship. Read more... )

2. Trust is my number one.Read more... )

3. Unconditional Love is what you get from dogs and God/ess.Read more... )

4. Childfreedom.Read more... )

===========================

Anyhoo...sorry for this long-ass rant.

I am so very done.

evile: (Default)

APRIL is the cruellest month

I'm feeling...apocalyptic today.

"On a long enough time line the survival rate for everyone drops to zero."

I guess that counts for friendships too.

I feel like a real asshole for holding ideals above people...but I don't know how to change that. I don't know how to say "I hate lying, I hate cheating....but I love the person who does those things." and make it be true.

I just can't do it.

Love can't live without trust.

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.


Read more... )

evile: (Bitchplz)
I have the worlds worst sinus headache this a.m.! Bleh. I am also
peeved at X & not really looking forward to spending the day with
her Saturday. I hope I get to feeling better & perk up by the
weekend. I was just talking to her yesterday about how disappointed I
am with the response to the TRF bus trips and about how poor I'm
gonna be, and she was all like "Well, you're not REALLY gonna be
poor. Nobody's gonna sell your house out from under you and you won't
have to borrow any money from friends like M. and I had to"...

Thanks for the sympathy. I could have really stood to hear a quick,
simple "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." or "That really sucks" but to
have someone tell me that my feelings are invalid just really makes
me angry and sad. Okay, so I didn't spend my teen years doing drugs
and getting laid, so I worked instead. So I got a credit card early
in life and have built up a credit rating so that I can charge things
when I have no cash instead of borrowing from friends (and never
paying them back, may I add), so I didn't marry a man with a 10 grand
debt to the IRS. So I didn't get knocked up 3 times in the course of
5 years. So I work for a living. I guess that means I don't know what
it's REALLY like to be REALLY poor and I should just shut up and
count my blessings. Well, I don't have fucking Anthax either, I
guess I should just go dancing out into the streets because I am just
so goddamned lucky.

She's right, I am not dead, and I should count my blessings. And I
do. But I just wanted a sympathetic ear, not a big lecture about how
I'm not REALLY poor, how my feelings don't really count.

No christmas for anyone. No birthdays for anyone. No traveling. No
eating out. No new clothes. No new shoes. No dental check up this
year or next year. No eye check up this year or next year. No vet
check ups for the pets. No going out. No gym membership next year.
No new books, no new magazines, no fun at all. No more classes for
getting my Travel & Tourism certificate at ACC. No new tools or
materials for Magpies. No traveling to trade shows. No money for
booth fees. No money for selling on ebay. Just pay my debts and work
and go home and that's it. For at least a year. This puts my being
able to pay my personal debts and quit my job and devote more of my
time and energy to Magpies off by at least a year. This puts off my
Real Life for at least a year. But, no, I'm not poor. I still have my
house and I won't have to borrow money from friends. So, fuck me, I'm
not poor at all.

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evile: (Default)
evile

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