Musings on the nature of friendship
Mar. 17th, 2005 04:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
evileThis is a clarification/expansion of my last post. It's not just about money, it's about reciprocating, in whatever ways you can, when you have people in your life that you care about and want to have a relationship with. I probably don't have enough time right now to say this right, but I am going to try.
Until a couple of years ago, my only friend in Austin was a person I'd been friends with all my life. Our mothers were friends in college. We literally knew each other from birth.
After all our various ups and downs and wanderings we both ended up living here. She was married with kids, I was single, but we still spent time together.
I gradually started to notice that she never called just to say hello, she only called when she wanted something. She never invited me over 'just because,' it was always a gift-giving occasion. I started an annual tradition of taking the children somewhere really fun the day before school started, and it somehow turned into me treating the entire family to a day at Schlitterbahn or Six Flags, for which I'd literally save money for 3 to 4 months beforehand in order to afford our tickets and the day's entertainments. What finally made me realize how dreadfully I was being used was when I was planning on taking her oldest child, my goddaughter, to a show out of town for the child's birthday, and she invited herself along and expected me to pay her way.
It took years and years before I finally realized I was being used egregiously. This is someone I had a lot of history with, bad and good, and a lot of love.
To be truly honest, I would probably still be forking out the dosh and doing for her and her family if she hadn't done something totally and unforgivably nasty to me...for which I am now grateful, as I am no longer her gravy train moneybags doormat. If it hadn't been for her deal-breaking behavior, I'd still be that pathetic slave.
In contrast to that 'friendship,' I now find myself in the company of a wonderfully diverse bunch of people who seem to value me for...ME. They like my smile, they appreciate my sense of humor, they like to just spend time with me. They like my face and body (but not in a creepy way). ME. Not what I can do for them, my money or my house or my stuff or who I know...just who I am.
I am profoundly and deeply grateful for this wonderful gift of friendship I've found. It makes me cry to think about it. We take turns having each other over for movies, games, talk, crafts. We go out to eat. We see movies. We get coffee. We go to parties. We give each other little presents, just 'cuz. We talk and listen, laugh and cry and bitch together. I drive one time, someone else drives the next time. It's a web of reciprocal goodness and caring. Nobody 'owes' anybody anything, nobody's keeping score. We spend time and money on one another as we please, no obligation or guilt is involved.
And yet, in the midst of this newfound blessing, I find myself slipping back into the old pattern of giving and doing for someone who is not reciprocating. And unsure, unable, unwilling to ASK for what I would like from them. Hints haven't been good, and hinting has made me feel hypocritical and uncomfortable, as I like to pretend that I'm very outspoken and blunt and always say what I think. I don't want to become a doormat. I don't want to lose a friend. But when all is said and done, I'd rather cut that person loose now than waste any more of my life being used. I guess I am really meant to learn how to ask for what I need from people, how to tell people "no" and stop being a doormat. It's a tough lesson. Bear with me, please. I am trying.
{edit} Here's another thought I had:
Friendship means I have the right to ask for what I want. And you have the right to ask for what you want. Asking for what you need does not in any way obligate the other person to give it to you. If you are unable or unwilling to meet my stated desires or needs, you can say "no", and I reserve that right as well. One NO is not a deal-breaker, it will not end the friendship. A series of NO's, a constant NO, will eventually lead me to believe that since you're unwilling or unable to be a friend on the level I desire, I should seek friendship elsewhere.
Until a couple of years ago, my only friend in Austin was a person I'd been friends with all my life. Our mothers were friends in college. We literally knew each other from birth.
After all our various ups and downs and wanderings we both ended up living here. She was married with kids, I was single, but we still spent time together.
I gradually started to notice that she never called just to say hello, she only called when she wanted something. She never invited me over 'just because,' it was always a gift-giving occasion. I started an annual tradition of taking the children somewhere really fun the day before school started, and it somehow turned into me treating the entire family to a day at Schlitterbahn or Six Flags, for which I'd literally save money for 3 to 4 months beforehand in order to afford our tickets and the day's entertainments. What finally made me realize how dreadfully I was being used was when I was planning on taking her oldest child, my goddaughter, to a show out of town for the child's birthday, and she invited herself along and expected me to pay her way.
It took years and years before I finally realized I was being used egregiously. This is someone I had a lot of history with, bad and good, and a lot of love.
To be truly honest, I would probably still be forking out the dosh and doing for her and her family if she hadn't done something totally and unforgivably nasty to me...for which I am now grateful, as I am no longer her gravy train moneybags doormat. If it hadn't been for her deal-breaking behavior, I'd still be that pathetic slave.
In contrast to that 'friendship,' I now find myself in the company of a wonderfully diverse bunch of people who seem to value me for...ME. They like my smile, they appreciate my sense of humor, they like to just spend time with me. They like my face and body (but not in a creepy way). ME. Not what I can do for them, my money or my house or my stuff or who I know...just who I am.
I am profoundly and deeply grateful for this wonderful gift of friendship I've found. It makes me cry to think about it. We take turns having each other over for movies, games, talk, crafts. We go out to eat. We see movies. We get coffee. We go to parties. We give each other little presents, just 'cuz. We talk and listen, laugh and cry and bitch together. I drive one time, someone else drives the next time. It's a web of reciprocal goodness and caring. Nobody 'owes' anybody anything, nobody's keeping score. We spend time and money on one another as we please, no obligation or guilt is involved.
And yet, in the midst of this newfound blessing, I find myself slipping back into the old pattern of giving and doing for someone who is not reciprocating. And unsure, unable, unwilling to ASK for what I would like from them. Hints haven't been good, and hinting has made me feel hypocritical and uncomfortable, as I like to pretend that I'm very outspoken and blunt and always say what I think. I don't want to become a doormat. I don't want to lose a friend. But when all is said and done, I'd rather cut that person loose now than waste any more of my life being used. I guess I am really meant to learn how to ask for what I need from people, how to tell people "no" and stop being a doormat. It's a tough lesson. Bear with me, please. I am trying.
{edit} Here's another thought I had:
Friendship means I have the right to ask for what I want. And you have the right to ask for what you want. Asking for what you need does not in any way obligate the other person to give it to you. If you are unable or unwilling to meet my stated desires or needs, you can say "no", and I reserve that right as well. One NO is not a deal-breaker, it will not end the friendship. A series of NO's, a constant NO, will eventually lead me to believe that since you're unwilling or unable to be a friend on the level I desire, I should seek friendship elsewhere.
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no subject
Date: 2005-03-18 12:10 am (UTC)*hugs*
yeah
Date: 2005-03-18 05:33 am (UTC)Giving
Date: 2005-03-18 07:35 pm (UTC)Suggestions about not being a doormat.
People do things because it benefits them. Being a dormat has a payoff. Recognize that it is a source of power to be the one that gives. There is a righteousness in martyrdom and boosting to feel needed.
Find internal confidence instead of seeking self value through being needed by others.
That it is important to learn to have faith that others can care for themselves. Even if they can't to give them the opportunity to learn.
We teach others how to treat us. If we give, never ask and turn away offers others make then we magnetically draw users and put off other givers. To balance the power of giving and receiving...
* Be in touch with yourself by asking, "do I really want to do what I am being asked."
* Surviors and take everything they can. The opposite energy of this is to say no sometimes even if you could.
* When others offer you something even if you don't need it say yes graciously.
* Ask your friends for things you don't need purely as an exercise.
Re: Giving
Date: 2005-03-18 08:19 pm (UTC)I don't know why,and I am most definitely not upset with YOU, but it's like theres a voice in my head sayig "NO NO NO!" and telling me I don't deserve anything, and have no right to ask.
So I need to find out why that's happening.
Re: Giving
Date: 2005-03-18 08:27 pm (UTC)Re: Giving
Date: 2005-03-19 01:13 pm (UTC)We all have things we can improve upon. We are all already pretty freakin' amazing. =)
Look deep but don't be too hard on yourself.
Much love.