evile

 Well, my stepbrother sineater's parrot died early this morning. Apparently he lost a lot of weight very suddenly and had a mass ... they were at a vet in Grapevine TX for a few days, doing everything they could to take care of him, but the bird passed away. In a lot of ways, parrots are very delicate animals. He was maybe 35 years old? 

I am sure he and his wife skye_ds are very sad.  I am sad too.  Parrots live for such a long time, normally, it's one of those things  where people have to think about what to do with the animal when it outlives them, because they often do. I remember visiting a parrot sanctuary in Key West FL. It was pretty sad, actually....all these birds that had bonded with humans and then outlived them and couldnt' be released to the wild or rehomed with a family because they were one hundred percent a 'one person bird' and that person no longer exists...

Here at home, my brother A. spent most of the week in a nearby small town with a good arts scene, looking for a place to call his own. It's been wierd but nice to have the house to ourselves (plus dogs)  Will be 'the new normal' soon.

The floor in Sam's room may be a total loss. We cleaned thoroughly last weekend, my cousin B . was very helpful. But the odor came back.  I ordered some enzyme cleaner and treated the floor with that today.  

AFter that, will put down a ton of baking soda and leave it for aw hile before sweeping it up again.

And we are going to paint the base boards with KILZ. Hopefully that'll take care of it.

But, like I said, we are having the rest of the house flooring done so if worse comes to worse we'll have to rip up that floor and redo it. fucken cat piss. 

Thax had a standing floor lamp that he really liked in there. The cord was caked in urine crystals and the felt bottom was soaked in piss. He is going to have to take the lamp apart and basically rebuild it. 

I don't think we're going to have renters or housemates ever again. If we do, NO CATS.

Been getting some roof estimates; we are pretty sure we have found the roofer we want to work with but I had already scheduled two more estimates so I'm gonna let it play out and make sure our decision is sound.

Work at Big Froot continues; for a high tech company the payroll and finance systems are a lot of high touch, time intensive processes. 

I'm not really sure what, if anything, I should say or do for my stepro and his family after this loss. After the memorial scattering ashes at Enchanted Rock last year, and after he came up to IN while Dad was dying, we've been at peace with one another. He texts from time to time. We 'follow' each other on Bluesky. But a peace that fragile can be shattered easily. When he texted that the bird had passed, I texted back with some condolences. That's probably where I should leave it.  

Family is....strange. 

 So...housemate has somehow added the aroma of cabbage or broccoli [edit to add: it was apparently a baked potato. with, I guess broccoli and cheese on it?] to the catbox and MJ melange at the front door. It is unconscionable.

I went to Trader Joe's and HEB so I've been out of the house for a lot of today. Housemate isn't particularly friendly to me when it's just us. Which is fine. Just a big change from her behavior in front of my husband. I got some more air freshener for the front entryway. sigh.

She told me this affternoon that she realizes she's overstayed her welcome and that she is sorry she asked me for help. (or she regrets asking me for help? something like that)  It's either manipulation or sincerity but either way, I had no reply. It would be rude to agree and it would be lying to disagree. I just told her that I was disappointed that none of her other local friends seem to have stepped up or reached out. She said something about how people are busy living their own lives and she understands. But not even just to offer to socialize... then again, I do recall that one of her high school friends was going to be in town during spring break and reached out and housemate turned her down (she was feeling sick that week, I think, puking a lot)

Other than one couple, who invited her (and us) to a friday after thanksgiving gathering (we went), and for a new years gathering (I think Husband and I had something else going on, and housemate didn't  go. I guess she didn't want to drive herself or uber or anything)

I mean, yeah, we all have lives and stuff going on. But I dont' think much of the people she came back to Austin because she supposedly had such a good bunch of people here and loves this town*so much*....

She organized one get together at a bar down south.  it was me, the couple that's invited us over a couple of times, and one other couple. But as far as I know that's it from them.

My mom dying last June, and the ongoing unemployment fiasco has really knocked the wind out of my sails. I don't seem to have many 'spoons' for other people.  When I heard about my mom, I was at housemate's storage unit, having driven her in her car (I don't remember why I was asked/expected to drive?)  She was relentlessly self centered through that news and I don't th ink she said one kind or sympathetic thing. I said my mom was gone, and she started in with  a continuation of her monologue about how was she going to do this or get that, and I was just like . "My mom just died, can you please give me a fucking break?" and then I guess I drove her back to the house, got in my bug and went to San Marcos for the rest of the day to some of my mom's college stomping grounds.(and the check engine light came on as I was making the trip to or from...ugh)  Anyway, damn. I guess housemate's deal is that she is a widow whose husband died suddenly and unexpectedly and she had a terrible fall and was in her basement for days and she's had all these health things so she feels entitled to center herself in every situation because her pain and distress are greater than anyone else's. I mean, yeah, those are terrible things. But I feel like she really showed me who she is at that moment and I really was done at that moment because while I am a good person (codependent doormat) who goes above and beyond for friends and family who are in trouble and need help, the one time I might have needed some kindness and care...she didn't have it to give.  And do I really want or need one sided relationships? I'd rather have no relationships

I know I haven't had the best relationship with my mom, and her dying was a blessing considering the state she had been in for the last couple years, but still.  Anyway, once you see someone's true colors like that...hard to bother with giving a shit about them anymore.  Insufferable main character syndrome.  

I don't see myself as main character syndome. I mean, my life is important to me. but most of the time I'm happy to listen to other people and not need to be center stage. But, yeah...sometimes I need care and attention too.   

though I suspect I've trained/conditioned all of the people in my life to need and depend on me and not expect me to ever need or depend on them.  I am not great with boundaries. I give and do and give and do..and then I'm done and the door slams and people are left out in the cold going 'wtf' because I probably didn't say anything before I slammed the door in their faces and turned them out.

oh well. I'm going to be 56 years old soon. I suspect this is who I am and that I won't be having too many close friendships or relationships from here until the end.   It's probably not healthy to be thinking "i'd rather be alone than stuck doing and giving to people who don't give a shit about me," it does seem to my smart brain that there is some middle path of reciprocal relationship and healthy interdependence...but I haven't found or created that for myself in my relationships so I don't think it's going to be a thing in my life.

anyhoo....housemate has been working with an apartment complex to do a final walk thru of a place she likes and start the moving process. It will be good to have an empty room to use to put things as we have flooring done in the rest of the house, when there's money again.

Job hunting continues. I have no hope in that area whatsoever.  Spot silver is $80/oz. I have some silver coins my father left to me, should it come to that. 

I fed and walked dogs, halfass made the bed ( Pepita dog was in the bed 'helping' so it's not the best job ever), swept and mopped in the kitchen and dining area, loaded and ran the dishwasher, had leftover pizza and instant coffee for breakfast. I think I remembered to take my vitamins. I'm going to lunch with my aunt L. tomorrow, and Thursday is Sunny dog's vet checkup.

Saw a post this evening from the last good place I worked, the contract that ended Feb 2025 and for various fucked up reasons did not take the permanent full time job there (my temp agency recruiter told me the company had 'decided to go a different direction' and it would be another 6 month contract which I'd have to interview for again) and on that info, I accepted a 6 month remote contract (that ended up being a clusterfuck that ended early due to those people being disorganized and their stuff not being ready to go live)....and then once I'd accepted that contract, got an offer for the full time permanent role I thought didn't exist due to misinfo from my temp agency recruiter...and for whatever reason, felt I had to keep my word to my other temp agency. stupid, stupid, stupid stupid stupid.

I've been kicking myself in the ass for over a year for making those stupid, self-sabotaging, idiotic decisions, for feeling obligated to keep my word (to someone/person/agency/job who obviously placed little to no value on me) over making the best decision for my own self and my own future. It's the place my brain goes to night after weary fucked up night, that keeps me up until 3 or 4 in the morning, beating and berating myself endlessly and knowing that there's not a fucking thing I can do to go back in time and fix it.

And, for all I know, I'm blacklisted at the company for not accepting their perm/full time offer.

But, I can get some decent sleep I will take the time tomorrow to apply to the job and see what happens. I'd like to quit fucking myself over. I'd like to be working and bringing in money again.

The commute wasn't my favorite, but it was at least a hybrid role that gave me mondays and fridays at home, and for the kind of money they pay, it's worth the drive.

Anyway....maybe by writing it down and getting it out I will finally be able to rest. :/ My pillows are all uncomfortable, I'm hot, my stomach hurts, and my right ankle is hurting as always. I did fuckall with my day today. I just don't use my time well at all. 

Housemate S may be coming in to more money; her deceased husband's stepdad is selling property in Utah and wants to 'buy  out' S. and her sister in law (dead husband's sister).   Once again, this is stuff she had no idea existed and therefore didn't know she had a claim to, and these folks are going out of their way to cut her in on it.

I really hope she continues to remain in contact and tries to refrain from being assy to them She could be comfortably set for the rest of her life if she's wise with this inheritance. Seems like the SIL is really trying hard to help her out.

and speaking of, ours, if it happens.... 

I'm thinking if Brother A. really moves out of the master bedroom area/apartment, I may go ahead and turn that room and the side yard into kind of a 'home spa' area. swim spa or hot tub, and then indoor salt booth and/or red light panels with a comfortable place to lay down and soak it up. Some yoga mats and things for exercising. Perhaps a continuation/fruition of Amma's dreams with regard to that room. 

hm. Not 100% realisitic to think about but still fun. Would i actually use it? hahaha. 

anyhoo...job interview Thursday. I need to recolor my hair.

Friday on the chore list while i'm being a fulltime  housewife is clean up the bedroom and change the sheets. Make everything fresh and lovely for the weekend, sleeping in with my husband. It's his birthday Monday. We are going out for dinner with the fam. Aunt L. always likes to do things on the actual day.

Tomorrow would be my mother's birthday, it's the first since her death. I suppose Valentine's Day has always been sort of awful but this makes it somewhat worse; bleh

I bought myself a dozen roses yesterday while I was out shopping-lavender, yellow, and kind of pink-orangey-peach colored.  I also got bird seed and a couple of birthday gifts for husband; his amazon wishlist is mostly stuff he's going to buy himself at some point, nothing 'heartfelt' or what I'd think of as personal. I dunno. it's hard to buy things for him when we have so much and so much *clutter* already, stuff that isn't being used for anything. But not getting him things makes me feel like I'm not showing caring....yay capitalism.

I planted a bunch of wildflower seeds in front and back yards (yay no HOA!) since it is supposed to rain today and tomorrow.

Ummmmm....what else? Walked and fed dogs. Looked at jobs. heard from a recruiter yesterday, she left voicemail around 4pm saying that an interview was available today at 1 if I was available. wow.  I suppose I should have jumped on it but I didn't. I gave availability next week so if I do hear back from her I can do a little research on the position and prepare. I am lousy enough at job interviews when I *do* attempt to be prepared, so....why shoot myself in the foot on purpose by going in blind?

I think I am probably retired, though. whether I like it or not. We are in a recession, whether the government cares to admit it or now, the job market is bad, and I'm 55 years old, female and obese. Strike 3 I'm out. This article seems to suggest that at this age and this point in my career, I ought to be 1) relying on my network to find new work [what network?] and 2) in a management or leadership position rather than still doing support/back of house type work. Even though that's what I'm good at and what i like. I like processes, systems, and organization. I like it when those things are already in place. If/when I become familiar enough with the process and the WHY of the process [state and federal laws, organization rules, best practices, etc.) only then will I suggest or implement process improvements.  I'm really comfortable with coming in and learning how to do the thing and doing the thing, consistently and reliably, for however long. I don't get bored with repetition. I could see myself in a training role, once I understood the system and process well enough to teach others. But as far as creating a system or process from scratch, not so much.

 did not sleep well or comfortably last night; dogs squishing me out of the bed, ankle and knee pain, congested and headachey....and then the dreams were.... just wierd. First I was on a date? or meeting someone? turned out he was a big star wars Empire fan boy and his place was all done up in black furniture and red neon lighting. As soon as I saw his space, I got red flags and knew I wasn't safe and needed to leave. I asked where the bathroom was, and it was normal. (like he'd never used it so it was pretty much however it was when he moved in, generic white towels, etc.)  and then I tried to leave but ended up in some kind of maze like parking garage. Aunt L. showed up and was trying to help me find my car. Which was the Tercel she gave me when I was in college. I remember being a little distressed because there wasn't a key fob with a 'panic' button I could hit so the car would honk and I could find it.  We went to this dead end alleyway and it was all enclosed in wire mesh and there was this...metallic robot snake trying to fly/jump up and attack/electrocute us, but it couldn't get to us because of the cage. We crawled through an ice tunnel and finally found the car. I don't remember anything else about that dream.

another dream: my mom was driving us around in the VW vanagon we had when I was in high school. It was me, Thax, Flavio, and Alex. She dropped us off at this shop that was full of essential oils and rocks and stuff (a witch shop/head shop, I guess?) but it was also full of dogs, kind of like greyhounds. They were leashed and tied at several places in the store so that if you went to try on a particular fragrance they'd block you and want attention. Nothing vicious or violent in the feel of it, just nuisancy. And I think there was a comic book store in teh same strip mall so Flavio had gone there. He was in his black gentlemanly Steampunk outfit. The one we buried him in...I guess it was good to see him again but we didn't interact much.  The location of these shops is a very specific place here in Austin, the 'creekside square' shopping center on Anderson. Of course, it doesn't have a witch shop or a comic book shop in real life. It used to have a pretty cool bead store called Nomadic Notions, and a really good mexican food place with custom  stamped leather menus. It was pricey for a town full of texmex, but not nearly as pricey as the atmosphere would suggest it should be.  now it's a jack alens kitchen, blecch.

Anyhooo....I stayed in bed until almost noon. Little dog snuggled with me but brother A. took the two bigger dogs out for a walk. I did get out of bed to pee and feed dogs and start laundry but then I went and laid around some more. feeling very depressed and unpeopley and unmotivated.

I came out to put things in the dryer and go ahead and wash,d ress, and do humany things today. Housemate Sam was in her chair in the living room, brother A. was on the couch checking his phone. I said something about how I have to get up and get going and she said "no you don't, you can just stay in your pajamas all day' (like she does) .....I wanted to say something rude and tacky but I did not. I just said "no, I can't let depression win!" and went on about my business. 

But, seriously, how the fuck does she think things stay even vaguely cleanish and orderlyish around here? Thax works, he's allowed to come home and flop out and be lazy and dirty all weekend.  I am really the only person in this house who plans, shops for, and makes meals. If the toilet gets scrubbed, it's me doing that, if the sink or tub get clean at all, that's me. If there's dusting or vacuuming or dishes or laundry (Ok, Sam does her own laundry and so does A.) it's ME doing it. we don't have fucking house elves. I was stunned and offended by her comment. No, I dont suppose I 'have to' wash and dress and get the fu ck out of bed every day and do something to try and stem the tide of filth and chaos in my home, but I also know I'd just be even more depressed and miserable if I didn't do those things. The dirt and dog stink and clutter don't help my mental health. And I know her room stinks from out in the hall, so I'm betting the cat boxex and clutter in her own space aren't helping her state of mind any, either. But if she wants to stay in PJS all day every day and stay in bed for most of the time and only shower every 4 or 5 days, that's her business. It's not how I care to live and she benefits from the work I do, even if she doesn't notice or acknowlege it. I don't keep my h ouse spotless and stink free by any means but I do try and do something every day But it occurred to me today that I need to probably spend one day a week out of the house, doing *something* that is not cooking, cleaning, job hunting, or rattling around in my house.   But also not spending money. So....maybe long walks at a park or greenbelt with the dogs, or something. while the weather isn't trying to kill us.

I am fucking depressed. I understand at this moment why my ex kept talking bout burning the house down and starting over. I understand his feelings. I am not going to do anything drastic or crazy. Someday I'll be sad that I didn't use all of this free time in a better way. 

 saw part of an interview with Erika Kirk. The interviewer (Katie Miller? Idunno?) asked why she wasn't ever seen in public during her pregnancy(ies?)

My answer: because Erika Kirk had a surrogate and wasn't ever pregnant herself (Not that there's anything wrong with that, seems a lot of celebrities are doing that these days. I think it's creepy to pay someone to have your babies unless there's a medical situation, but whatev.)

Anyway, Erika goes on this thing about how she was eating burgers and fries and milk shakes and desserts and got up to 190 lbs! (gasp! shock! Horror!) so I guess she didn't want to be seen when she was so heavy....

and up until that exact moment, it had never occurred to me that there are women (many women? most women? I dunno.) out there who are actually hungry, starving, ALL THE TIME. So that they can stay thin and perform 'pretty' for everyone. Like, never feeling OK to have enough food, or have ice cream. UNLESS they are pregnant. The only time it's OK for them to eat enough and have sweets and snacks is when they're pregnant.

It had never occurred to me that maybe that's one of the reasons why some women want to be or like to be pregnant.

I guess that's weird to think about. Maybe it's not true. I dunno. As much as I dont' really like looking in the mirror It's never occurred to me to be THAT self hating.

but, yeah, Erika Kirk totally paid some poor woman to carry her fetuses.

feeling like crap the last few days; congested, wake up with a sore throat (probably from breathing with my mouth open all night due to congestion), headache, cough, stuffy ears, swollen lymph glands under my ears and neck... I took an old expired covid test a few days ago and it was negative. I've ordered a couple more to be delivered tomorrow morning. Just in case. I still have my sense of smell but I heard or read that the latest covid variant doesn't have the loss of smell as one of the symptoms. And it's a lot more contagious than previous versions....which means that if it was covid I'm sure others in the house would have it.?

I dunno.

Anyway, I feel like shit. Haven't done much today other than drink coffee, and feed and walk dogs. Thax made banana bread and also made the coffee. Both good.

I am also sad and angry with myself for (once again, as usual) allowing fear to delay my helpful impulses until it was too late.

There was a little skunk stuck in an open pipe along our walking route. For a couple of days, the dogs kept getting excited about the hole in the ground but I pulled them away. Finally last night I looked in and saw a small skunk. I planned out my strategy and went to the hole today armed with gloves, wearing a swim mask and a trash bag with a head-hole cut out. But the skunk was dead. I should have gone back last night after taking the dogs home ... I didn't want to get bitten or sprayed so I delayed. And didn't even bother to look at what the dogs were keying in on for a few days before that. :(

I am sad. and my head hurts and my nose is itchy and uncomfortable inside. (dried out from medicine but still congested, somehow??? wtf.)

 Well,shit. Neil Gaiman is allegedly a rapist creeper. 

I read the Vulture article and it was lurid and disturbing.  A couple of things stood out, that his ex or soon to be ex wife brought home this impoverished, homeless, mentally ill young woman to be her babysitter and told Neil "dont' touch, not for you"    and then later on as they had sex and whatnot, he allegedly said something along the lines of "i wish it was the good old days when Amanda and I could f-- you together,"....so, if true, this could be something that he and she did together with fans or vulnerable people, some kind of narcissistic sex game.  Reeks of 'trafficking' in the same way as Ghislaine Maxwell making friends with young women at the country clubs she visited and then 'introducing' them to Jeffrey Epstein. 

The events seem so....I mean, not 'boring' but so....unimaginative in their vileness. 50 shades of grey, derivative from some of his writing, I dunno.

I don't really know what to think. I mean, this is a superstar fantasy/dark fiction writer who has had young women literally begging him to be his sex slave at public events. At some point, the fame and unreality of this constant stream of young women begging to be 'debased' in fantasy by  you has got to mess up your head and blur lines of consent and ideas of what women want from you... and also he may have had an abusive childhood being raised by high level true believer Scientologists who engaged in physical and psychological torture sessions as part of their 'spiritual practice.

so who the fuck knows. It would not surprise me if he behaved in a selfish and insensitive way sexually. hell, I've met guys who were like that who either didn't understand or didn't care about whether or not I got off...obviously not rapists, consent was there, they were just clueless and uncaring once they got into their own pleasure and if they finished and I didn't, well...that's life, ya know?

*if* these things happened in front of their child, it's gross. super gross. And apparently Palmer's only objection was that the child was in the room on his ipad and *not wearing headphones* while Gaiman had sex with the nanny.....fucking EW. That's appalling.  And allegedly the child started calling the nanny 'slave' and being rude to her, modeling the behavior he saw with his father. That is very gross and nasty.  But honestly I've seen rich kids being nasty to servants before in my life, and it's just because they are wealthy and their upbringing has taught them not to respect 'the help' as human beings. There's a story about Barron Trump throwing a fit on an airplane and treating staff badly, ffs. it's gross but it happens. Rich people do, apparently,suck. Many of them. Maybe not all. 

This is all 'alleged' and coming from...unreliable... source.  I don't know. Gaiman's writing is dark. I don't think you can write such things from a source that is untainted by personal pain or personal experience. What that experience is or was, I don't have any way to know. 

Here's a good summary I read in reddit:

 Best hopes, sadly:

1) he is old, unhealthy, stupid, and lazy. He will want to play golf and have events where he is surrounded by cheering crowds. He does not want to do any work. He just wants praise, money, and attention. He just wants to indulge all of his vile habits, whatever they may be, without limit or censure. (Think Jabba the Hutt on his party barge. I mean, yeah some people die for his amusement but it's not an organized systematic thing. Just the passing whims of a cruel and stupid creature.) Narcissist abusers do not understand or respect limits of any kind, his habits will advance the pace of natural age and he may not have 4 years left in him.

2) he is surrounded by incompetent, greedy assholes who will be backstabbing each other to try and get on top of the dog pile and get him to rubber stamp THEIR version of fascism. He enjoys pitting his underlings against each other and creating drama. Hopefully with enough infighting, little will be actually done. Lots of backstabbing, lots of 'trusted advisors' failing purity tests and being ousted, lots of chaos. Maybe not as much chaos as first term--he has Project 2025 opportunists backing him this time and they may be able to enforce some discipline.. Hope not, because that means more people dying sooner, BUT. it's possible.

3) his successor/VP is a creepy, awkward wierdo. He does not have the charisma or crowd pull that El Stinko Naranja Pendejo does. He may be a more disciplined fanatic christofascist, but he doesn't have the personal qualities to hold the regime together. And I can't think of any other right wing crazy who has the kind of celebrity power/charisma/draw that El Stinko does, so he's got no successor.


I'm not saying it's not going to be bad, but the faster we can run this evil bullshit thru the "kristallnacht to self-offing in a bunker" chain of events the better for the rest of humanity.