Well,shit. Neil Gaiman is allegedly a rapist creeper.

I read the Vulture article and it was lurid and disturbing. A couple of things stood out, that his ex or soon to be ex wife brought home this impoverished, homeless, mentally ill young woman to be her babysitter and told Neil "dont' touch, not for you" and then later on as they had sex and whatnot, he allegedly said something along the lines of "i wish it was the good old days when Amanda and I could f-- you together,"....so, if true, this could be something that he and she did together with fans or vulnerable people, some kind of narcissistic sex game. Reeks of 'trafficking' in the same way as Ghislaine Maxwell making friends with young women at the country clubs she visited and then 'introducing' them to Jeffrey Epstein.

The events seem so....I mean, not 'boring' but so....unimaginative in their vileness. 50 shades of grey, derivative from some of his writing, I dunno.

I don't really know what to think. I mean, this is a superstar fantasy/dark fiction writer who has had young women literally begging him to be his sex slave at public events. At some point, the fame and unreality of this constant stream of young women begging to be 'debased' in fantasy by you has got to mess up your head and blur lines of consent and ideas of what women want from you... and also he may have had an abusive childhood being raised by high level true believer Scientologists who engaged in physical and psychological torture sessions as part of their 'spiritual practice.

so who the fuck knows. It would not surprise me if he behaved in a selfish and insensitive way sexually. hell, I've met guys who were like that who either didn't understand or didn't care about whether or not I got off...obviously not rapists, consent was there, they were just clueless and uncaring once they got into their own pleasure and if they finished and I didn't, well...that's life, ya know?

*if* these things happened in front of their child, it's gross. super gross. And apparently Palmer's only objection was that the child was in the room on his ipad and *not wearing headphones* while Gaiman had sex with the nanny.....fucking EW. That's appalling. And allegedly the child started calling the nanny 'slave' and being rude to her, modeling the behavior he saw with his father. That is very gross and nasty. But honestly I've seen rich kids being nasty to servants before in my life, and it's just because they are wealthy and their upbringing has taught them not to respect 'the help' as human beings. There's a story about Barron Trump throwing a fit on an airplane and treating staff badly, ffs. it's gross but it happens. Rich people do, apparently,suck. Many of them. Maybe not all.

This is all 'alleged' and coming from...unreliable... source. I don't know. Gaiman's writing is dark. I don't think you can write such things from a source that is untainted by personal pain or personal experience. What that experience is or was, I don't have any way to know.

Here's a good summary I read in reddit:

Two women. One about an alleged incident in 2005, one about an alleged incident in 2022.

Both accusations were made recently and allegedly occurred during consensual relationships. Both accusations shared a power dynamic imbalance.

The first involved a fan he met at a signing when she was 18 and he was in his early 40s. They entered a consensual relationship two years later. She alleged assault through pressure into having sex when she did not want to on a few occasions throughout the relationship

The second involved his babysitter with whom he shared a bath and made out, within a few hours of meeting her. She is in her early 20s and this occurred during pandemic lockdowns in New Zealand. The allegation is that he inserted his fingers inside her when she did not want it. They continued the relationship for three weeks. At some point a complaint was filed with New Zealand police but there is no known court case or criminal investigation currently impending.

The allegations were revealed via a podcast. The podcast is controversial in that it is run by Boris Johnson's sister and she has been feuding online with Gaiman because of his support for the trans community, which she firmly stands against.

As of now, the only source and record of the allegations comes from the podcast. The podcast also has shaky and limited sources/evidence. This has created controversy online because there is suspicion of political motivation.

Time will show if more women come forward and if their allegations match similar behaviour. Hopefully more information comes out.

the final 5 weeks of my temp job are going to be an introvert's hell. I will be on zoom calls literally all day every day. I am really hoping that monday's 'quick connect' with the supervisor who just started in Dec will be something along the lines of 'we got all the info we need, y'all can piss off now,' Since the holiday break I do be feelin' like we are somebody's broken toys. Like they are going to take the work we did, make some spreadsheets and powerpoints about it and use it to sell their next idea for 'improvement' to the Powers That Be. As far as I know, the supervisor they hired hasn't extended any permanent full time offers to anyone on our team of contractors. (but if they had, maybe they are keeping it quiet)

Honestly, if we were just going by numbers, if there was a position to give, they should have offered it to me (or posted it and strongly encouraged me to apply, at least)....but the new boss gives a vibe that he doesn't care for me. Nothing specific, just....one can tell when a male person of authority is taking a dislike to one on the basis of ....whatever it is that is 'wrong' with me and makes me rub certain people the wrong way. (smart, old, fat, female, outspoken, honest, competent, don't suffer fools gladly, whatever it is. the thing that is wrong with me and I don't know what it is and not entirely sure I'd change it if I did know...)

I have learned a lot and gotten good at using the tools and databases, I have gotten the work done, I have stayed organized and on-task, I have been pleasant and professional to my teammates, I have developed a good working relationship with most of the high level high earner execs that I am expected to meet with repeatedly, I have been one of the approx. 1/3 of our team who have consistently been in-office on the mandatory 'in office' days 3 days a week, I have kept to the dress code, I have been reliable and punctual and what have you. But I still feel like I failed in some way to fit in and do....whatever it is.... (the non neurotypical, depressive, adhd, whatever it is that is wrong with me that makes me never, ever fit in or be normal and I have no idea what I'm doing wrong *thing*)

Anyway I am having a lot of anxiety about the upcoming nonstop calls, end of project, and whatever I am going to do next for $. And I hate that I am letting this worry ruin my weekend and keep me from getting to sleep.

On the plus side, I had enough socked away that I did manage to pay property tax on the house this month and buy myself an ebike and have enough saved so that I can take care of basic bills for a few months before I have to worry too hard about finding the next job. I wanted to also have enough saved up to get a 2nd opinion on Pepita's hips and get her surgery if the 2nd vet agrees. didn't get enough saved for that one. But two out of 3 financial goals during this contract? That's pretty good, I think.

One of my fellow contractors was taking a data analyst bootcamp course and has had several recruiters reach out to her and at least one interview that I know of--Big Fruit Company, for something like $56/hr. She is super positive and helpful and kind. Two more of our group have started taking the same course because she talked it up so much. I may go ahead and sign up, it's 10 weeks and a couple thousand dollars but may yield the ability to work remotely and make good money.... that would be a hell of a thing. Internet,VPN, and life in Belize could be a real thing. I'd still have to convince the husband to move, but with the ability to earn from wherever i am, and the cost of living in Belize being much lower, all of that could be persuasive.

anyhoo....let's get thru the next 5 weeks and see how it goes.

visited Mom today; told her about the dream I had last night about her and my stepdad Greg taking me to the airport after rescuing my sister's dog....and she smiled when I told her how Greg had everything squared away and taken care of for getting the dog on the plane, in a kennel and with the right papers... I said "I miss him" and she said "I miss him too," and a little later in the visit my brother A. and I were chatting about the afterlife or the next world, some term like that, and Mom said she'd been dreaming about the next world (she rarely gets out a whole sentence these days, so that was big) and I asked if it scared her and she got the most huge and happy smile on her face and said "No. It's wonderful," I hope she can make that step soon. not because I'm hateful or selfish but because she is suffering and I know she's wanted to go for a long time now.

Current Mood: anxious

Best hopes, sadly:

1) he is old, unhealthy, stupid, and lazy. He will want to play golf and have events where he is surrounded by cheering crowds. He does not want to do any work. He just wants praise, money, and attention. He just wants to indulge all of his vile habits, whatever they may be, without limit or censure. (Think Jabba the Hutt on his party barge. I mean, yeah some people die for his amusement but it's not an organized systematic thing. Just the passing whims of a cruel and stupid creature.) Narcissist abusers do not understand or respect limits of any kind, his habits will advance the pace of natural age and he may not have 4 years left in him.

2) he is surrounded by incompetent, greedy assholes who will be backstabbing each other to try and get on top of the dog pile and get him to rubber stamp THEIR version of fascism. He enjoys pitting his underlings against each other and creating drama. Hopefully with enough infighting, little will be actually done. Lots of backstabbing, lots of 'trusted advisors' failing purity tests and being ousted, lots of chaos. Maybe not as much chaos as first term--he has Project 2025 opportunists backing him this time and they may be able to enforce some discipline.. Hope not, because that means more people dying sooner, BUT. it's possible.

3) his successor/VP is a creepy, awkward wierdo. He does not have the charisma or crowd pull that El Stinko Naranja Pendejo does. He may be a more disciplined fanatic christofascist, but he doesn't have the personal qualities to hold the regime together. And I can't think of any other right wing crazy who has the kind of celebrity power/charisma/draw that El Stinko does, so he's got no successor.

I'm not saying it's not going to be bad, but the faster we can run this evil bullshit thru the "kristallnacht to self-offing in a bunker" chain of events the better for the rest of humanity.

The 4th reich lasted 12 years. The American civil war lasted 4.

OTOH, you have Putin's kleptocrat oligarchy holding steady since 1999 and Iran's theocracy has been in power since 1979.

It's sad that America's fascist phase will probably only be curbed by the infighting between the Oligarchs and the Theocrats disagreeing on who to persecute first and worst and how to run the concentration camps/prison work farms.

The religious fanatics want everyone not like them DEAD, period, the end. These are the people pushing for End of Days and Jesus to come back and take them to Heaven. They are happy to burn it all down. See: Dominionist. also: Emmanetize the Eschaton.

The Oligarch/Billionaires know they need slaves to pick the crops and fix the machines and create more wealth for themselves. They might not want to end the world as badly or as soon as the religious wackos do. Or, let me say, ending the world is not their end goal, but they don't really care as long as they're rich and own everything.

Here in TX, I remember the 'bidness Republicans' used to run things. It was dishonest and crappy--good ol boy network, open bribery, etc. but some of the worst right-wing impulses could be curbed by the possibility that the state would lose business and lose money if they caved to the worst of the hard right christian extremist bullshit.

BUT I think the last 'bidness' governor in TX was Rick Perry and the last sane TX Speaker was Joe Straus and we've gone downhill towards the Bible-and-wife beaters since then. They don't care if persecuting people will lose them the Big Sports Ball Event or Big Tech Headquarters or Big Manufacturing Plant. So...TX is slowly failing as a 'bidness' state and I think that is a good indicator of the way Amerikkka will go as well, if the religious wing of the party gains the most influence over El Stinko.

It is sad and scary that the honest only best hope I have in this moment is that the bad guys will eat each other alive before they can hurt the rest of us too much.

But I trust there will be plenty of suffering and death to go round before it's all done.

But, hey. Don't cry at home, cry at work and get paid to cry!

Current Mood: pessimistic

2024 election is in the bag.

Here in TX, we are stuck with Rafael "Turd" Cruz for another term; I still believe with all my heart that Rolando Pablos, the Sec of State at the time, fixed the 2018 race for him, or else Beto would have won. That sorry ass cockroach left office shortly after the 2018 elections and now he's running for mayor of San Antonio.

And Donald Fucking Trump is our next president. Goddamn it so much. How the FUCK people watched that shambling, shitting, mumbling, ranting, hateful, stupid racist fuckhead wander weakly all over America, not knowing where he was, simulating oral sex on an invisible microphone and thought "now there's a leader!"--I mean, WHAT THE FUCK. Oh, and did I mention? He's a convicted rapist, a convicted felon, and there are credible allegations he's also a pedophile. What a shitshow.

Goddamn it people.

See ya in the camps, I guess.

It is too much to hope that he'll croak before next year; both his parents, despite looking like The Living Dead, his mom was 88 and his dad was a demented 93 when he finally passed....

Rubber meets the road, I really can't see myself going to Belize without my husband or family.. so here I am. As a white middle aged infertile woman in a heterosexual marriage, I probably will survive :/ I kinda don't want to. I feel pretty fucking done.

Current Mood: numb

"People think that sadness is crying, the breakdown, the absolute agony of the heart. But sadness is quieter than that. It's the slow sinking feeling, the hollow ache in your chest, the dull numbness that settles over you like a thick fog. It’s going to bed at night and hoping you don’t wake up, or waking up and wishing you hadn’t. It's the realization that no matter how much you want things to change, some things are forever broken, and no amount of time will ever make them whole again."

– Beau Taplin

It's the weekend. Sleeping in, visiting mom, red light, some dog walking, and trying to make headway on emptying the tent room for a flooring project....

I am trying to stay busy and do good things....but I am sad and mad and mean all the time. I really don't like myself much and I don't think I am doing or being anything worthwhile.

everything is kind of a holding pattern. no future plans or hopes or dreams or anything. waiting to die. it's taking too fucking long. wishing I could get my declutter going so that the people who have to clean up after I'm gone won't have such a miserable job of it

the only thing I do 'for me' is red light, and most weekends I don't go.

and I feel bad and stupid and selfish for thinking that I want to or 'should' do more for just me....and I don't even know what I could or should do for myself that would feel nice instead of like a waste of time and money that I could or should be using for something else.

darkness.

Current Mood: morose

Had a fussy morning with the husband; he needed something from the medicine cabinet and couldnt' find it and fussed at me about it. I guess my brother borrowed it and didn't replace it? I don't know. It had been just sitting up there for years and as far as I know never used, so if my brother needed it and I gave it to him....*shrug* So I went to the store today and bought 3 more , they can sit in the cabinet for the next 10 years not being used. Fuck it.

We had 'potato bar' for supper last night. Baked potatoes in instant pot and then bacon bits, sour cream, butter, chives, cheesy broccoli,etc. out on the table to put on them as each person wants. Thax cut his potato in half and I thought he was going to save the other half fo later. When I was puttering around in the kitchen this morning, the half potato was still out on the counter and I said something about 'if you want stuff to be good for later, you have to put it in the fridge,: turns out he wasn't saving it for later, he didn't like it the first time and hasn't ever really liked potato bar night.

So, he doesn't like steak, he doesn't like potatoes. Ok. He grew up in a shitty family where kids have to clean their plates and eat what their given and not complain...so that's basically what he does now. Doesn't that sound joyous? Come home and joylessly munch down on whatever horrible swill your insane shrew of a wife slops out for you? wow. Such a great life. Exactly the sort of married bliss I aspire to provide for my loved one.

I haven't been working since end of March. My only utiiity to this family as of now is to cook and clean. And since half the shit I cook is stuff he just suffers through and stuffs down, I'm not doing a very good job of that, am I?

I come from a family where we were poor as shit and you don't waste food. And also food is love. And my smart brain knows that is some fucking toxic crazy ass bullshit but it's hard to tell my crazy self anything once I'm off and running....

So all of this is very triggering and upsetting for me. The smart and sane part of my brain knows that no one is attacking or rejecting me when they don't eat what I cook or don't like what I cook. and the part of me that is not crazy understands that we are not starving and poor and we can throw away food we don't want or dont like and it's not a terrible thing.

But I did not handle it very well this morning, at all. and I'm not sure what to do. I'm about to start working again. My time to shop and prepare food is going to become more limited. I'm already out of fucking ideas for shit to cook every goddamn motherfucking night Monday through Friday. My brother says fish and pork make him sick, so I don't cook any. Fine. Seems Like there should still be lots of things I could make that people would actually like and enjoy, not just stuff down because it's expected.

And I don't want to be the crazy scary person who forces people to eat, or eat more than they want, when they don't like the food or I made too large of portions or whatever the everliving fuck.

I really wish I could just quit. Everything. I am not doing very well.

today has been a 'rot on the couch and watch TV with the dogs' day.

I am confronted with Don MIguel Ruiz First Agreement: Be Impeccable With Your Word.

I have been angry and sad that my mom no longer has capacity for reading, writing, physical activity, conversation, etc. I have been angry and sad that G/Dad isn't here to be with her, but he left her financially cared for such that if she WAS able to go and do things, she could pretty much do anything she wants...I have been angry and sad that all she seems to want to do or be able to do is stay in bed and watch TV.

And here I am.... doing nothing. staying home and watching TV. Definitely not building my own mental or physical strength in preparation for my own older age.

I do find that most of the qualities or habits I find disappointing, frustrating, and angry-making in others are qualities and habits of myself that I find distasteful.

ain't that a pickle.

I never, ever ever want to be my mom. And I didn't want to be her when she was 100% either. But in all ways I am certainly headed that way, it seems. :(

So I start the new temp assignment 8/12 8am onsite. Then the rest of our training will be onsite starting 9am. I don't hate that. Will still have time in the mornings to walk dogs with Thax.

I have jury duty 8/13. I will have to figure something out. bleh.

I like this ebike. I'm just window-shopping right now. Good ones are expensive but otoh I may not ride it enough to make it worth the money. One would like to think "oh, hey I spent a couple grand on this thing, and it will be healthy for me to use it frequently," .....but I am full of self defeating lazy ass bullshit so it's hard to think that I'll really use it. We rented bikes when we cruised and stopped in Key West, it was super fun. I can see myself doing shit like that on vacation or in Belize. I really need to be the person I am on vacation --lots of walking, biking, adventures. Not this wilted husk of a bitter bleh that I am here.

anyhoo...

new job starting. I went shopping to 'celebrate'...oh, look, problematic self sabotaging reckless stupid behavior! whee. I'd love to exist in a headspace where spending money on frivolous things isn't a horrible toxic cycle. Like eating, there's an amount that one has to do in order to continue to exist in some healthy embodied sort of fashion. You can't just quit the bad habit of eating and keep being alive. There are some things you have to buy - groceries, for example, see 'eating'..... but it's just too fraught and too fucking easy to 'add to cart' things that are temporary feel- good but overall foolish choices. perfume, make up, shoes.....just dumb stuff.

anyhoo....

new job starting.

need to get my death shit signed, witnessed, and notarized.

bleh bleh bleh.

I flew up on Thursday 18th with my aunt L. We stayed with my sister H & her family in Bloomington Thursday night and Friday night. Friday we drove to Cincinnati OH and picked up a 26' RV and stopped at a place called Jungle Jim's. It was CRAZY. They gave you a map as you walked in. And you needed it. It was too big, my brain just kinda shut down. They had literally everything. Including ground camel meat and 27 kinds of butter from about 5 different countries. And I think maybe the worlds largest cheese? My brother in law and niece came with us to pick up the RV and then BIL & Niece followed us back in the car while H drove the RV and my aunt L. rode.

We picked up my mom Saturday morning from her piss smelling old folks warehouse in Greencastle, IN. We packed up her room and wheeled her on outta there. She had been practicing in Phsical Therapy for Stairs so we got her up into the RV without too much trouble. She slept in the queen size bed at the back of the RV for most of the trip. H. wanted her to sit up in the seats and look out the window and engage with the trip but mom just doesn't have that capability anymore. I had been thinking Aunt L. would be chatting with her and keeping her company but that didn't really happen. I think aunt L was bored and uncomfortable most of the trip.

We got used to driving the monster mobile pretty quick, and it had a good sized engine so it got along pretty well on the highway. Driving itself was easy and comfortable. There was a LOT of road noise, driver and passenger could barely hear each other, couldn't hear anything goin on in the living area of the RV at all. Neice mostly stayed in the bed area above the driver/passenger area, and aunt L mostly stayed at the table, but occasionally would sit in the seat behind the passenger seat and try to talk to us. It was just too loud for much conversation. The radio seemed to only have speakers in the cab and none in the back so we weren't able to play mom's music for her or anything like that.

Our first stop was supposed to be at Lake Catherine state park in Hot Springs, AR, but we had made a late start so by the time we were getting close, it was getting dark. H. and aunt L. talked it over while I was driving and decided to stay overnight at a Mariott in Little Rock instead. There was a lot of construction and I drove in the dark which I don't do in regular life much anymore --between the astigmatism and the growing cataract it just doesn't feel safe...but it had to be done and I did it, and we didn't wreck or die. I even did a decent job parking in their parking lot. I had looked up Lake Catherine SP online earlier in the trip and I had been looking forward to it. It's about at the halfway point between IN and TX family and has horseback riding you can reserve so maybe we'll plan a family meetup/ vacay sometime.

Next morning, we had breakfast in the hotel and got on the road. No stops except for gas. Got to Cedar Breaks around 5pm, got our hookups done in good daylight, no problems. Ate sandwiches and fruit and whatever was in the RV fridge for dinner. Did a little walking around. It's a pretty park. If I liked camping and/or had an RV I'd go out there and camp regularly. Apparently there's a big walking trail too, but we didn't go. We saw deer and lots of birds, a few fish in the water. It was green but clear near the fishing pier.

Monday, Thax and my brother A drove up to the park and met us at our campsite. They brought Taco Cabana and we had a picnic lunch. Then H and aunt L and brother A. took the RV with mom's stuff in it to the care home and Thax and I and mom and our niece went to Pecan Creek Ranch for 'horse therapy' or something. (My sister H. h ad set it up in advance) our appointment was at 2 and I had been worried that it would be too hot but it's been rainy and cool in TX for the last week or so, so it was fine. We got there, mom petted the horse for a few minutes, and then she wanted to leave, so we put her back in the car and stopped at Whataburger. I was pretty disappointed with the 'horse therapy'...we had an appointment, they should have been expecting u s, but they acted like our presence was a surprise and an imposition. They informed us that m ost of the horses were up the hill under the trees, or something like that, and there was only one who had been in a stall, they only let her head out of the stall for mom to pet at first and we had to request that she be let out the rest of the way. They just didnt' seem to know what they were doing at all. Had no prepared 'patter' about how their program, or how to behave around horses, how to pet them, where to pet them, nothing. It was super bizarre. Hard to believe they are a professional organization that does horse therapy for disabled people. Oh, and no wheelchair accessibility to the barn, mom had to get out and stand on gravel and then we had to manhandle her wheelchair thru the gravel into the barn. She would not have been able to manouver her walker at all. It was bullshit. Fucking horse people. Bullshitters one and all. What a scam.

Anyway, Whataburger was good. Mom had bacon and cheese whataburger and a latte shake, finished the whole burger and most of the shake, and then we drove to her new place. It rained on us on and off through all of this.

We kept mom company in the living room of the home while Holly and the others unpacked her stuff and got it squared away in the room. At one point some 'head nurse' came over and started asking questions. she asked mom if she knew her name and birthday. I've learned that you have to ask mom one question at a time. Mom just repeated 'birthday' and seemed distressed. Then the nurse was asking me questions about mom's meds and her physical condition and I kept referring her to Holly because I have been in TX this whole time and I have no idea, and the nurse seemed really irritated with me...I don't know if she ever went to talk to Holly or not. seems like the new care team could h ave or should have been in contact with the previous doctors and hopsice workers if they really wanted good information. I didn't want to give her bad information so I didnt' want to answer her questions and she acted like I was stonewalling her... I didnt' think much of her.

Anyway....H. sent me and Thax home to rest and relax (because I was annoying her and being unhelpful, I"m sure, and also because there were just too many people in the room) and she, brother A, aunt L and u ncle B continued to work on the room.

We (Me, sister H, brother A, Thax, Niece) went to fancy supper Wednesday night at perry's steak house in the domain. Loud and crowded, hot and over priced. It wasn't terrible, many of the things were quite good (yes the famous pork chop lives up to the hype) but honestly I have gotten a bit spoiled by cooking at home since the pandemic and I am a damned good cook. And my neice was somewhat mortified by our sharing tastes with each other and stuff. I mean, she's 15. Everything your parents do (especially your mom) at that age is absolutely mortifying and excruciating.

H. left for home yesterday. Niece will be here til Sunday. We are going out for dinner tonight with everyone to Arpeggio, one of our favorite places. Not sure what we are doing tomorrow.

I needed my sister's signature on some of my death prep paperwork but couldn't make it happen, I guess i"ll have to mail it to her and have her sign and notarize her signature and then do the rest of the wittnesses and signatures and notarizing here.

H. worked so hard to plan and make everything happen and it all went very smoothly. I didn't want to add to her tasks by trying to set up a date/time "in stone" before we got here and got mom settled and everything. I wanted to let her have some breathing room and time to relax and decompress. But of course that means I didn't get my needs met. What the fuck else is new? codependent martyr resentment alert woop woop . ugggh I disgust myself. And I feel selfish and horrible because H worked so hard and I just did a little bit of driving and here I am making everyfucking thing about me and my stupid ass. gross. I really am an awful person.

Anyhoo. I had been going back and forth with a temp agency for a job I did an inperson interview for....they kept sending me either a blank employee aggreement or one that said my pay rate was $XX per diem and I kept replying with "I am looking for a per hour pay rate, not a per diem, please," and they just didnt' seem to ever get it. The final amount ended up being fifty cents less than the recruiter originally quoted me but they did get it squared away. Meanwhile I"m still putting in applications and resumes because I dont' particularly trust these people to actually get their shit together. No start date, which is fairly normal for temp agencies working with an employer to get a bunch of people started at teh same time, but the pay rate thing was ridiculous.

I have been very tired and having awful allergies since I've been back. yesterday I got up at 6 and walked dogs with Thax and then went back to bed. Today I just stayed in bed and told Thax I'd walk them when I got up. Thax was tired too so he went back to bed for a while too, got up at 7 instead of 6.

I am just so fucking done with this whole fucking thing. Giant Meteor, please.

https://open.substack.com/pub/decodingfoxnews/p/project-2025-the-advisory-board-list?utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email

Project 2025 - The Advisory Board List

Full list with hyperlinks and additional information on each organization.

DECODING FOX NEWS

JUL 08, 2024

∙ PAID

107

This list is a direct copy and paste from the Advisory Board section from “Mandate for Leadership The Conservative Promise Project 2025.”. On the document the organizations in the advisory board are listed by alphabetical order with no additional information.

I’ve added hyperlinks to each organization’s website as well as some background information including any notable board members, founding members or staff - especially anyone who worked in the Trump administration.

I’ve also grouped the organizations by type.

Although this entire document is only available for paid subscribers I removed the paywall for the first section. I want as many people as possible to know about the most extremist groups aligned with Project 2025.

Thank you for your support.

The Project 2025 Advisory Board

The Heritage Foundation
- The Heritage Foundation’s mission is to formulate and promote public policies based on the principles of free enterprise, limited government, individual freedom, traditional American values, and a strong national defense. (from website)
- The organization is considered one of the most influential conservative think tanks in the world.
- Founded in 1973 originally to promote a pro-business agenda.
- Originally created as a conservative response to the Brookings Institution.
- “Mandate for Leadership” - Reagan Administration
  - Much like Project 2025 “Mandate for Leadership,” was meant as a blueprint for the newly elected Reagan Administration to help guide them on policy issues.
  - About 60% of the recommendations suggested in “Mandate for Leadership” were adopted by the Reagan Administration in its first year. Reagan loved it so much he had copies printed for all of his cabinet members.
  - The Heritage Foundation also had tremendous influence over helping the Reagan administration fill positions in his new administration. This is another similarity with “Project 2025” as one of its goals is to fill government positions with prescreened ideologically radical conservatives.
- “Index of Leading Cultural Indicators” written by William Bennett in 1994
  - This publication was the Heritage Foundation’s first major entry into the culture wars.
  - The Index tackled subjects such as crime, divorce, children born out of marriage, teenage suicides, and drug use along with other social indicators.
- “Index of Economic Freedom” - published in 1995
  - Wall Street Journal began partnership with Heritage as co-manager and co-editor of Index of Economic Freedom as an annual publication in 1997.
- Scandal in 2013 - Jackson Richwine - co-author of Heritage Foundation report on the costs of amnesty for migrants
  - Richwine was scrutinized for his Harvard University PhD thesis, authored four years prior, where he argued that Latino and Black people had lower I.Q.’s and were intellectually inferior to white people.
  - He’d also made comments at the American Enterprise Institute in 2008 that were similar to the conclusions he’d made in his doctoral thesis.
  - Richwine resigned due to the controversy.
- Trump’s candidacy - 2015
  - Originally the Heritage Foundation did not support Trump for president.
  - The organization only supported Trump after he won the nomination.
- Trump’s presidency - 2017
  - Just like as they had with Reagan and other Republican presidents the Heritage Foundation had great influence over helping the Trump administration fill various positions in his administration.
  - Some of the several hundred people who received jobs in the Trump administration who were included in a database the Heritage Foundation cultivated were:
    - Betsy DeVos, Mick Mulvaney, Rick Perry, Scott Pruitt, Jeff Sessions
- Post - Trump presidency
  - Several Trump Administration officials and staff member take positions at the Heritage Foundation.
    - Ken Cuccinelli, Mark Morgan, Chad Wolf (Cuccinelli and Wolf left in 2021)
    - Mike Pence also went to work for Heritage
  - Ukraine War
    - May 2022 the organization reversed its support for Ukraine
    - March 2023 - Heritage established a cooperative relationship with Danube Institute in Hungary.
- The Big Lie
  - The president of the Heritage Foundation has publicly said he doesn’t think Biden won the 2020 election.
  - The organization has promoted false claims of widespread voter fraud.
- Project 2025
  - A collection of proposals to radically change the executive branch of the U.S. government.
  - The organization is recruiting thousands of staffers for every branch of government.
  - Some of the policy proposals in Project 2025 include the following:
    - Boosting fossil fuels while slashing environmental regulations
    - Dismantling the Inflation Reduction Act
    - Shutting down the Department of Energy loan programs office
    - Taking partisan control of the DOJ, FBI and Dept. of Commerce, the FCC, and the FTC.
    - Dismantling the Dept. of Homeland Security and the Department of Education
    - The National Institute of Health (NIH) would be shaped by conservative principles.
    - Cut Medicaid and Medicare
    - Outlaw abortion
    - Eliminate coverage of emergency contraception under the ACA
    - Enforce the Comstock Act - this would criminalize the sending or receiving of abortion medication through the U.S. Mail.
    - Outlaw pornography
    - Infuse Christianity into the U.S. government
    - Remove legal protections against discrimination claims based on sexual orientation and gender identity.
    - Terminate DEI (diversity, equity and inclusion) programs as well as affirmative action.
    - Prosecute “anti-white” racism.
    - Enact draconian anti-immigration laws including mass deportations and detentions of undocumented immigrants.
    - Engage the Insurrection Act of 1807 which would allow the military to participate in domestic policing and assist in the capture of undocumented immigrants.
    - Increase the use of capital punishment
    - (This is just a partial list)

Organization led by former Trump Admin. officials who promote Christian Nationalism

Center for Renewing America
- Our mission is to renew a consensus of America as a nation under God with unique interests worthy of defending that flow from its people, institutions, and history, where individuals’ enjoyment of freedom is predicated on just laws and healthy communities. (from website)
- I honestly couldn’t tell what this organization did except hire former Trump staffers and cabinet members. It was formed in 2021.
- Founded by Russ Vought former Trump Admin. Director of the Office of Management and Budget
  - Staff members former Trump Admin. - Ken Cuccinelli, Adam Candeub, Rachel Cauley, Jeff Clark, Ashlea Frazier, Paige Hauser, Dan Kowalski, Micah Meadowcroft, Mark Paoletta, Kingsley Wilson
  - Steve Friend, staff member, FBI Whistleblower who claimed FBI manipulated evidence from Jan. 6th investigation.

Looks like we've got some dates locked in near the end of July to bring mom to TX and set her up in a care home. I went to the ones my sister H sent me to visit in person, check the vibe, talk to the people, see how the residents are treated, see how clean they keep things, check for bad smells,etc. and sent her written email summaries of the ones I liked best and why, and the ones I didn't like and why,

I narrowed it down to 3, I thought we'd picked one, and then she came back a few days later and said she'd decided on #2 from my list. It's no skin off my nose, it's mom and g's money, and it wasn't one of the bad ones...it is definitely the least convenient of the 3 for my brother A to get to, but that's because TX is a state that panders to automobiles and even greenie hippie dipshitty Austin doesn't have a lot of good bike options for getting places safely if you really are using a bicycle to try and commute or travel across town. Some neighborhoods are ok, but getting across highways is terrifying and I think most of the people west of Mopac don't want any dirty bike people in their area.... but anyway, mom's housing situation is set up.

My only concern is that I'm worried they'll try to rook us into a spot at the location I didn't tour, which is newer and allegedly 'nicer' but has zero in the way of back yard trees/shade & landscaping, in comparison to the one I toured. I don't like the photos of that one and I don't want mom in that one.

Here are my notes from that visit, just for future reference:

Met with D [director], she was nice. Direct, positive, did not seem to be full of BS. Has only been there 7 weeks but most of the staff has been there for years.

No vacancies at this time.

Another home with 'even nicer' back yard is opening up soon (july ish) at Anderson Mill. Does not appear to have as much shade, trees but ground around home is flatter. Deposit would guarantee mom a spot 'first available' - either at this location or the Anderson Mill location which is just opening up and will have vacancies immediately.

House is clean and tidy, but not 'sterile/hotel' the way [other place] was. no keypad on door. 15 residents max. One room has attached half-bath, the rest of the rooms would use one of the other restrooms in the house. It's a good size house but the restrooms seem to be pretty well located so it wouldn't be a long walk to any of them. No signage on the doors to indicate which are restrooms, but there are name decorations on the residents doors. no 'shadow box' like they had at Mill Pond. There were party decorations up in the dining room. Folks in the TV room, folks in the dining room. A couple of people sleeping in their rooms. No bad smells. Staff was not talking down to residents, there were smiles and eye contact. There is a list on top of the microwave in kitchen of things that are always available on request--soup, sandwiches, fruit, etc. [Mom doesn't do big meals anymore, just little nibbles/finger food throughout the day] Residents wear a wristband that they can press for help, it also has a fall sensor. rooms come with drawers and armoire and we can add or change furniture if we want. Owner has dogs that she brings regularly to visit. Also mentioned they'd brought a mobile petting zoo for folks. Back yard is really nice. Parking is very ample. Kind of a walk up a hill, might be hard for Aunt L. BUT the Anderson Mill place looks flat. Anderson Mill will be more 'memory care' with the key pads on the doors.

A couple of things she said that stood out: D. told me a resident came with a stage 3 or 4 alzheimers diagnosis, was given a couple months to live, and is there a year and a half later (said with pride), she mentioned they've had residents express that they're done and just want to die (said matter-of-fact way). She said something about helping mom get out of her depression (haha), on the plus side she said that she wants this place to be a place where we just come and enjoy our time with mom, she never wants us to feel like we have to show up and fight with them for mom's wants or needs. [I liked this a lot which is why I bolded it!] She also has a hospice service she likes very well and recommends, if we are open to changing hospice providers [H. is changing to the hospice D. recommended]. She gave me their brochure. I will send it along.

============================================

so the plan is that H. is renting an RV and will drive mom down over a couple of days. She says she can do it by herself but would be glad and grateful if me and my aunt L can come along. She is picking up the RV on a Friday, we'd drive and get mom early Saturday, drive to Arkansas, stay in Arkansas overnight, and then drive to TX Sunday, H and her daughter and our mom would spend the night at L's and then Monday move mom in to the place.

So L and I will probably fly up and ride back down, then H. is turning in the RV here in TX and she and my niece can fly back to IN at their leisure once mom is settled.

Its a nice place, close to more family than where she is now (an hour away by car from H and her family & no other friends) ...here in Austin she'll have me, Thax, my brother A, aunt L and uncle B. Also her brother, my uncle Bubba is in San Antonio so he could come up if he wanted... it's about the same, money wise, as the place she is in now in Greencastle fucking indiana, but is much nicer, much better quality of care, no old people / pee smell.... so win win.

It's a lot and I have feelings about it that I can't put any words to. I'm really sad about mom and G./dad not getting to finish up their life together on their own terms....but this is the best we can do for her, given the circumstances. and G left her well provided for. There's absolutely no money worries at all.

And this makes me think/wonder about my own end of life. Would I have the courage in my convictions to hang it up while I still have a somewhat working brain/body to make the decision and not leave the decision until too late, having my loved ones paying almost 10k month to live unhappily but well taken care of because my brain is gone? or, worse, some kind of pee smelling dirty old people warehouse rotting away until I finally die....no, please. I want to go out on my own terms...I just don't know when that should be, what should be the hard limit on 'I've had enough life, I'm still in my right mind, but I am done and want to leave things tidy and squared away for whoever is still around,'....

anyhoodle. time to start making supper. tonight is 'baked potato bar' = baked potatoes in the instant pot, served with all the fixins for eveyrone to do up as they like (bacon bits, sour cream, butter, cheese, cheesy broccoli, etc.)

And it's the umptieth anniversary of my first date with Thax. Whoever thought we'd end up here, like this....?

Current Mood: indescribable

Something that makes me feel pretty sick whenever I think about it:

Donald Trump has spent his lifetime lying, cheating, stealing, and raping. He has spent his lifetime siccing lawyers on anyone who tries to bring him consequences and dragging out the legal process so that his victims run out of time and money before anything could happen.

If he had not been stupid, arrogant, and greedy enough to run for president and if the GOP had not been stupid enough to support him, none of these crimes would have ever seen the light of day.

New Yorkers know him to be corrupt, bigoted, and wicked, but the rest of the world just thought he was a bigmouth clown.

Now most of us know him to be corrupt and evil. He is still running the same play --drag out the process, pile on more lawyers, file appeal after appeal and never pay the consequences.

But just imagine--and here is where I get viscerally disgusted by humanity and society--there are dozens, maybe hundreds, maybe thousands, of very wealthy people who have more than likely done things as bad or worse than Donald Fucking Trump, who have gotten no media attention, no headlines, no notoriety beyond the small circle of people in the know or local people who know not to mess with them.... The wealthy get away with all of it. Trump was just stupid enough to grab the spotlight and brag in public about it and so we have the justice system making a half-assed show of holding him to account, which I suspect will amount to nothing in the long run. No consequences. Maybe another presidential term. If he lives that long...he's not looking or sounding well. I guess that's the justice we all get, whether we need or deserve it or not. we all die sooner or later

Yep. I went away and I don't know when or if I'll ever be back. I spend time wondering if I am the way I am because it's just part of being a person my age and everyone before me felt this way at this age, or if it's the pandemic, the 4 years of Donald fucking Trump, the ongoing trauma and horror of living in a state and a country that doesn't believe I am a human being deserving of rights and dignity and healthcare, that is steadily drifting into fascism and a haves vs have nots that is literally worse than people experienced just prior to the French Revolution......the rich hate us and want us dead--but not before spending our lives in service and payment to them. The Right just hates us and wants us dead. Because Jesus or some shit. It's hard to be alive right now and I am tired of trying to act like everything is normal.

I have visited 6 old folks' homes in the past week, sometimes alone and twice with my brother A and once with my aunt L. I took photos of the outside, parking situation, yards, etc, as I thought to do so and sent a little summary of my visit and impressions + pictures to my sister H so that she can decide if any of them are suitable for Mom. The idea is to move her to Austin sometime soonish because where she is now is expensive, not very good, smells like pee, and is an hour away from H and her family and there's no one else up there.

Though Mom said she hates TX (don't we all) and never wants to come back, here in Austin we have me, my husband, my brother, my aunt L and uncle B in town, and my uncle Bubba down in San Antonio. He comes to visit aunt L now and again, would probably go see mom too. Stepbro sineater is in rockdale, he might or might not visit, (with or without skye_ds and parrot and her other guy Sonar0m and the horses and zoo and assorted hangers on...) And we'd be closer if there was an emergency and when it's time for her to pass. Only one of the places I visited was more expensive than the place she's at now (by $85 whole bucks), and it was NICE. Like all inclusive boutique hotel-type nice. The place she is now.....is trash compared to every single place I visited. Her husband, my stepdad G., left his affairs in order and a good bit of savings and life insurance, plus the money from the sale of the house, so mom is set to live well for at least the next 10 years. Sadly she doesn't want to live at all, which is something I explained to each of the managers/directors/caregiver people giving me a tour. Everyone seemed to think that with proper hydration, nutrition, medication, and care staff, she would 'perk up' and get out of her depression, but give me a fucking break, she's been depressed literally my whole life. Well, diagnosed bipolar, but manic energy was directed to her art and creativity more than 'mood' ...her manic behavior towards us was more 'mad' and her depressive was 'ignore the children, eat the fridge and go to bed' (gee, who does THAT sound like!? apples falling far from trees this is not. anyhoo....)

She attempted suicide at some point last year, before she went into respite and broke her hip. And apparently was drinking a LOT before some incident that made her go cold turkey and start attending AA briefly. g. told me about it but now that he's gone there's no way to get any more details or ask follow up questions. He mostly kept his own council about such things, didn't feel it was appropriate or necessary to ever say a bad or potentially embarrassing thing about mom to anyone. Anyway, mom has never particularly wanted to be alive, as far as I know. She attempted suicide as a teenager I think after her father committed suicide, and then at some point in my youth she said that if she hadn't had us kids she wouldn't still be alive. I remember her saying that once, I don't know if it was a repeated theme in my childhood, as I do not remember most of my childhood, only brief intermittent flashes of memory that are generally harmless memories so I have no idea what or why the block.

Anyway, got that all done. Got my new work computer and monitors for a one year contract (possibly contract to hire) that starts on Tuesday. Set that up. Did not get the 'welcome screen' showed on my printed installation guide but hopefully can get that all straigntened out the first day of work.

Our smallest, newest dog Pepita started limping intermittently last week and licking the back paw of the leg she was favoring. Cried out a couple of times when Thax or I picked her up....so I took her to the vet Friday. Her hips and back legs are very tense and vet says she is very obviously in pain (obvious to vet, not so much to us, I guess, she's been mostly her sweet energetic snuggly little self except for the behavior I just mentioned). She is up to 15.5 lbs, she was 11 at her last checkup, so we need to get her down to 13. Vet wants to do some detailed x rays under general anesthesia to get a better idea of what the hips are doing, and then will make a recommendation about surgery - one hip, both hips, etc. The surgery she thinks it's going to be is Femoral head osteotomy (FHO), I believe she said. And she said that with small dogs, this surgery is typically very successful. I knew we were going to need to get this surgery at some point but I'd hoped to be working and saving some $$$ in advance of it. (I used to have a credit card with a 22k limit but I cancelled it and don't carry one with a high limit anymore. You'd think such a move would improve my credit rating but no. FICO is such a fucking scam piece of bullshit. ) Anyway.....so I'll either have to do a payment plan or Thax is going to have to put it on a card, or pay it. I feel like this is an expense we should share equally....we'll figure it out. For now she's on Gabapentin and Carprofen for pain and inflammation and she's on a diet.

Had a dream last night that the family was going to a concert. It was the family we had when I was in hs - me, mom, stepdad G, stepbro sineater, sister H, brother A, foster bro R. . The house was not a place I recognized but I think it was supposed to be somewhere in San Antonio. We were getting ready to leave and Mom was telling G. that she'd maxed out her credit card and so G was going to have to ....? I don't remember? pay it? give her his card? something.... and then on the way out the door Mom broke the door and was saying that someone was going to have to stay behind or we were not going to go to the concert because someone would break in to the house, or something??? I don't really remember. Just broken door and Mom worrying about people coming in and stealing stuff....I kind of looked around and thought about whatever stuff of mine was in this house and was like "who cares if they steal everything, let's just go,"..... I've had a recurring dream that involves me having left boxes of stuff behind at mom and G's house and trying to get it back... the reality is that everything I left behind, mom went through and threw away stuff and mailed me one or two things from it. LIke, I had a rolodex type thing of photos in these little plastic sleeves in my ceder chest that my grandmother gave me when I was a teenager, alogn with whatever else I had in that box (forgotten things, whatever)..and she sent me maybe 3 photos from the photodex in an envelop with a little note, and the rest, who knows. tossed. that's mom for ya. And brother A and sister H went through and cleared out the house before selling it so anything I left there is gone gone.  so I guess I still have anxiety and anger about that on some level, but on the other hand my house is absolutely cram packed full of bullshit that I'd love to get rid of but it's such a huge task I never start.

did laundry this morning, swept and mopped the kitchen, walked dogs, and Thax made coffee and heated up some cherry turnovers for breakfast, so that's been good.
.
today there are a few things going on in town but it's hot, bad heat index, bla bla. A 'wizard and maiden' faire at Natures Treasures, a Witch Market someplace, the Vortex theatre is having a sale of their old costumes and props.....I feel unmotivated for all of it. It is hot and humid and hazy outside.

Belize is having a terrible heat wave right now. The folks in San Pedro are being asked to conserve energy because the power grid is under strain and there have been outages. San Pedro/ Ambergris Caye is where the wealthier expats live. I am thinking about what I do when I'm traveling in Belize vs what I do when I'm at home, as far as finding fun and staying cool. Here in Austin I'm like Fuck Ercot, I'm sure none of those fucking board members are reducing their AC usage and downtown Austin is absolutely full of empty buildings sucking up power to air condition and run lights for nobody, so until and unless they lead by example, I'm not going to sweat my tits off for anyone..... But I guess that's kind of a shitty way to think about it. If I was in Belize, I'd go swimming and turn up the thermostat a few degrees happily. Here....I don't feel like it. But again, I feel like Belize public utilities and public servants are generally trying to serve the population and do their best to improve things...and I feel like here in TX everyone is a grifting lying thieving piece of shit and fuck them all. I'd happily throw ERCOT and all of our elected officials into a volcano. So that's the difference I guess.

Current Mood: bitchy

I don't really know what to say on Mother's Day. Never have, really.

I have a mother. And I don't.

Her body is here, her mind is locked away. She says alzheimers, but she recognizes people and can name them. She seems to have trouble forming her ideas into words. Mostly repeats the last words someone said, can reform sentences from "do you want ice cream" to "I want ice cream" or "do I want ice cream?" but doesn't volunteer information or say things independently. Mostly. When my stepdad died she got up on her own and walked to the nurse station to tell them. Asked the next day "is my husband still dead," and asked me"are you surprised?" sort of out of the clear blue when I was getting ready to drive back to TX after he passed. I knew she was asking if I was surprised that Greg passed before she did.

This new mom is soft and sweet. She's not the mom I grew up with. I don't have a lot of memories. Probably because a lot of things that happened were not good things. I do wish I remembered the good things better. I know there were many.

My mother and my father's mother have things in common that are/were unpleasant. Probably one of the reasons he picked her. She is/was also very beautiful.

No woman can live up to all of the demands society places on women; the judgements and pronouncements and shoulds of Motherhood. It's awful. There's no one right way to do it and so many wrong ways that face such condemnation from everyone. So much competition. Just listening to my ex friend X and her friend Goldrie one upping and shitting on each other in that special 'sweet' way that mothers/women have of shitting on each other with the bless your heart smile on their face. So frenemy. Much wow. So awful. So glad I never entered that particular contest. Being female has been so awful, even without that. Glad I am an old fat neuter now.

I don't really know what to say, or do, or feel, on a day that honors all of the impossible things people expect, society demands, of women who choose to have children. Or are/were compelled to have children under the laws of the time. Goddess help us. So many not suited to bear or raise children and do it anyway. I wish it wasn't so.

I hope whatever kind of day you're having, whoever is reading this , is peaceful and pleasant and uncomplicated. I hope the world gets better for women. I suspect it will not.

Tried to watch Saltburn last night with Thax; some of my friends on FB were saying it was 'so good!' It got to a part where the narrator/poor kid in the story is seducing the daughter of the house and she's having her period, and he's all like "I'm a vampire, baby!" and I had to nope TF out. That, just after the bathwater drinking....just too much.

I liked Rosamund Pike's character, and I enjoyed her in the Wheel of Time series, the movie was visually gorgeous, sets and costumes and cinematography-wise. The soundtrack was cool. The people were so awful, even the 'sympathetic' poor kid was awful.

Physically the actor playing Oliver reminded me of my friend Bad Pat, with whom I have some .. odd.... history. Wierdly obsessive and pointlessly dramatic movies kind of make me think of some of my past with him. (Dangerous Liaisons was kind of 'our' movie - me as Merteuil and him as Valmont I mean, we are adults and way past all that now but that whole 'no one knows how twisted and wicked we are except ourselves, we egg one another on in debauchery and know enough of one another's secrets that it's mutually assured destruction if we ever tell on each other' kind of speaks to me about the wierdness of some of our young adulthoods. Our parents were good friends and thought we were good kids, I encouraged and helped him to seduce some of my friends and then got bizarrely jealous when it worked, bla bla. )

And then the whole 'off to a rich school where people treat you like shit' gave me some Tulane feels.

My brain doesn't do anything so ordinary as remembering events in sequential fashion, but my heart does a pretty good job of remembering feelings. The emotions stirred by watching scholarship kid trying to make his way among a bunch of impossibly wealthy, beautiful, shallow idiots, not knowing how to dress or behave when staying at their obscene family estate just the shame, the awkwardness ....ugh.

Anyway. I had to stop watching. Too many icks.

Current Music: https://youtu.be/gGdGFtwCNBE?si=bw1J0JpqWLY1rjAP

I dreamed that we lived on the edge of a big scrubby vacant lot/wild area, where a lot of homeless people and stray animals lived. I would make a habit of feeding everyone on the back porch. Then one day this kid showed up and apparently was kind of evil & could read minds. I ended up killing him because he was blackmailing me (?) or making me do something (?) and taking the body off into the scrubby forest to bury it. I knew that the police wouldn't care and no one would come looking for him and there was no connection that would ever tie the body to me if it was found, and that I was going to get away with it and the whole thing made me very very sad. yuck. stupid brain.

so many friends lost parents this year
so many decent celebrites passed.
also Dianne Feinstein and warcrime whatsisname Kissinger, so that's OK
2023 is looking to take the record in number of mass shootings
And the TX GOP goes on...chickenshit cowards had the chance to rid us of criminal scumfuck adulterer crosseyed cake stealer Ken Paxton and they wussed out. Now Paxton is apparently taking out his ire on a woman pregnant with a fatally deformed fetus.

This is how Ken Paxton gets off. Not just a plain old boring rape fantasy, but the heartbroken crying mother, the forced birth, the forced birth of dead or dying babies, and dead or dying mothers as a result of it. That what gets him off. Pure Sociopathic Evil. And there are lots of rank and file Republicans who also get off on the idea of forcing women to have sex, forcing them to give birth--anything involved with making women suffer and cry and bleed and die. That is the ultimate GOP sex fantasy: to rape women--body, mind, and soul. To own their sex, their tears, their bodies, their babies, their lives and their deaths.

Take note: this woman being an apparently solidly middle class (at least) pretty white woman DID NOT save her from the GOP evil. No matter how safe you think you are, no matter how you may rationalize that only 'those people' are being punished, only 'those people' are being harmed (and even if in your opinion, it's the right people being punished and harmed by the Right)....you aren't safe. You and people you love are being harmed, or will be.

And there is one party who will get off on it and laugh in your face... and women still vote for them.

I was working for a company in some big glassy building downtown. I got to work and couldn't find my office. All the departments or units were doing a show and tell thing where each department was putting on a show or an open house or whatever, and we were supposed to go from department to department visiting with everyone and learning what each unit was doing. Only I was supposed to sign in first and I couldn't find my own office to sign in and start my tour. I met some of my coworkers and was going to follow one back to the office so I could check in. I was using my cel phone to set up 'pins' in a map app so I could find my office and find my parking space again.

One of the departments had a thing where you could look into the future (?) or some vision of the future. I was suddenly immersed in this future vision. The year 2344 or 2377 or something like that... our planet was dark and cold and almost completely covered in water. I don't know if the sun was gone or if the planet had just moved far away from the sun. I think probably it had moved out toward the outer planets of the solar system. The planets I could see in the sky were all chopped up, sort of like the 'death star under construction' looking. Apparently Earth had demolished the other planets to take minerals and resources for earth's use. We had just gotten to Jupiter and then....as I watched, Jupiter was gone. Destroyed for it's resources to fuel Starship Earth and its rapacious consumption. It was very bleak.

========================
I went to the store this morning for dinner ingredients for the week; they were playing christmas music. I was close to crying for some of my visit.

When I went to the store with Thax this past weekend, I saw a display of HEB's christmas coffee blends; I got teary realizing that I don't have to buy any this year to send to mom and Greg. Greg is dead and mom's in memory care. I don't know if she drinks coffee anymore. My sister H says mom's quit eating. She is not expecting mom to live much longer. Mom hasn't wanted to be alive for a while now.

Current Mood: melancholy

stepdad G had a MRI because when he was visiting my mom at the care facility, he was having some trouble with balance and the staff there noticed and had him set up the MRI appointment. He has multiple lesions on his brain; at this point it's not clear if it's viral (slow covid?), stroke damage, cancer, or what. They wanted to refer him to a neurosurgeon for a 2nd opinion and to get an expert to have a look, but he heard 'surgeon' and was like "NOPE"....so he's at home and my sister H is with him.

H put it very well when she said something like "Our parents prepared us really well for their deaths; they did not prepare us at all for what's actually going on,"

Neither is in a mental state to be able to make good decisions about their own care .

H is going to speak with G/Dad's primary physician and get paperwork done so that she has permission to view his medical records and talk with them about his health. G/Dad has his finances set up so that H can write checks on his accounts and speak to his financial people, so I told her to look at getting medical power of attorney, and 'how to frame it' to G/Dad so that he'll be OK with it "I want to make sure that they'll do what you want them to do, even if you get to a point where you can't tell them yourself,"....our folks are control freaks and they don't want decisions being made 'for' them...so we have to make sure that if they give us permission to do things, it's what they'd want, not what we'd want for them. And Mom and G have both said things in the past that indicate they want quality of life not quantity. H. says he's visibily declining daily.

This is hard news. H. is calling G's son sineater, my estranged stepbrother, to let him know what's going on, and our aunt L, who is the rock of our family. H wants me to tell A, our brother, who is living with us. H does not want A up here 'helping'. I respect her decision on that, A can be very emotional but he has changed some since his prison term and he's pretty darn helpful here in Austin to me and Thax and our aunt L and uncle B. But he's also trying to get his own life together, working 2 jobs and trying to network and do his art and start to get paid for it, etc. So, I understand and I agree with her. Hell, I don't want to go, but it's too much to leave on H's shoulders.

I am prepared to head up there again if needed but H says let's hold off on any decisions until we've all at least had a chance to process the news and sleep on it for a night. She's with G. at home for now, her daughter and their exchange student are at home in their own hometown which is about an hour from mom/G's house and my brother in law is keeping the girls on schedule with school and everything, driving them where they need to go, keeping them fed and whatnot. So....everything is covered for now. The girls are freshmen in HS so they're not completely needy children, so I'm sure that makes it easier.

G had planned to retire at the end of August. He is one of those men whose lives have mostly been their work. I had a bad feeling that he would not survive long after retirement, even though his plan had been to retire an bring mom home from the care facility to take care of her...I just really couldn't see that happening. I talked to him the other day and he was rambling and repeating himself and at the time it concerned me but I let it go... I hate it when my bad feelings are right.

Current Mood: worried

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1MPmbD4JJU

I do not have a great deal of organic memory; I don't generally remember my childhood, I don't remember vast quantities of my past. A lot of the objects in my home I can look at or hold and say "Oh, yeah, this was from my dorm room in college, " and a few slivers of memory will come back. I am 53 now and I know that most of my life wasn't important or meaningful to anyone but me, and when I die it will be gone, and none of the objects will be meaningful for anyone and will be a burden of clutter for someone to have to sort through and get rid of. and yet I still can't get rid of it. I kept journals too....which I don't even care to look at or read ...but can't force myself to trash.

I hate being like this and I know I don't matter*....but I still can't effing clean up. [posted in FB yesterday, still thinking about it]

* re: "I don't matter" - I guess I've been trying to think of myself and my life in terms of 'legacy' more lately...my dad left....just stuff. his mom also left...just stuff (Great Depression survivor, she was a serious hoarder. I think my dad mostly got too sick to keep things like mail and dry cleaning under control, and was also buying into prepper /doomsday stuff there towards the end.) My dad's dad left art. Which I think mostly is ruined now from sitting in various houses, buildings, sheds, with heat and wet and whatever. He did paint a mural on a big post office in Oklahoma City at one point. I don't know if it's still there, or if there's even a record of it. Kind of a 'Frederik Remington' style cowboys and indians scene. Anyway.... my mother is leaving more of what I'd consider 'legacy' - she has written a lot of plays, had them performed here and there when she was teaching and involved with various schools and libraries. She has also created lot of art kind of folk art 'altars' encapsulating various people and experiences.

A lot of people consider their children and grandchildren to be their 'legacy'....I don't have that. My legacy is an absence - choosing not to have kids is ending 3 or more generations of alcoholism, suicide, depression, and dysfunction & whatever underlying personality disorders caused or arose from said behaviors/addictions/biochemical imbalances.

Anyhoo....things to consider. Stuff as an anchor for memory which is otherwise unfindable, and who does it matter to whether or not I remember any of it? Who will it matter to when I'm gone? Why should I care?

Current Mood: contemplative

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evile

Entries tagged with darkness

another one bites the dust.

insomnia/anxiety

Thoughts - political

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Couch Rot Day

new job became a reality

Home from Indiana