evile: (SBC)
I first met Pam when I was 18 or 19 years old; I had just gotten my first real job (Bookstop!), first apartment, first time living on my own like a real grownup.

Pam was only 10 years older than me but to my naive view, she was impossibly mature and wise; her cynical and witty words on life, relationships, and the world were the words of The Ages.

She had a boyfriend named David who was an on again off again bad dude in her life. An addict, a user, and a liar. He had some story about how he'd stolen some lead from a radiological clinic to sell, melted it down and became sterile but somehow mysteriously got her pregnant after telling that lie. (all of that just to get out of wearing a condom, what a guy.) She didn't keep David's baby. I guess he eventually ended up in jail, prison or dead. I don't remember if she told me what happened to him, or if she knew. She described him as this impossibly beautiful, golden-tongued god of a man...I was disappointed when he came to a party at my apartment behind the bookstore and he was just this stringy hippie. She said he was as smart as she was, but I didn't see it.

The first time I went out to her place (I think she lived out in Lakeway?) I remember she had two cats, a Siamese and an orange tabby. I think the Siamese was named Valentino. Her cats' fur smelled of her perfume. I think I remember him fetching bottle caps. If I don't remember that correctly, then I will just say that I do. Her home was cosy and dark and mysterious, full of her fragrance (YSL Opium) and, it seemed, treasures from many lands and many exotic places lived and loved. Dim lamps draped with silk scarves. I want to remember the quote she gave me about how every woman should have a beaded lamp but I cant, quite.

She drove a Jeep-like car but smaller. Suzuki Samurai? She drove with an open tallboy can of beer in the cup holder and a menthol cigarette between her long delicate fingers, only paying passing attention to silly things like traffic and red lights as the hot Texas wind whipped her long blonde hair around & she shared her wit. She was the most bad-ass woman I'd ever met in my life.

I thought she was the most sophisticated, intelligent, amazing person I'd ever met. I wanted to be Pam when I grew up. Of course, time wore the shine off my infatuation; I quickly learned that Pam had a tendency to pick the worst men, the most self destructive and negative thoughts & behavior...she was a pessimist, a cynic, and yet she always had a perfect literary quote to sum up all the bad times, bad men, and bad choices, and managed to always laugh bitterly at it all.

I remember that laugh, and no one else will ever have it; usually starting with a cough, smoky, snarky, as rich and bitter as the finest cup of coffee.

I remember kissing her at a party; we were drunk as hell.

I remember her imitation of Nancy Spungen from the movie "Sid and Nancy,"--"But Siiiiid, what about the farewell druuuuuuuugs?"

I remember the title of the biography she was always going to write: Why I Hate My Miserable [fucking?] Life By Pamela Miller. It was the refrain for many of her updated tales of male perfidy.

I came back to Austin to visit after I left Bookstop for college in Indiana. I know we hung out a few times. There was always talk of a Bookstop Reunion that never quite happened.

we reconnected some years after my Bookstop Days; I was with the guy who is now my ex and she was with a guy who eventually became her ex, a retired military guy. They lived in a trailer in Dripping springs on some acreage; she ran a little bookstore out of a storage building. Mostly online, I think.

We lost touch again; next time I saw her, she hinted that her retired military ex husband had used her badly, become an addict, and so on and so forth.

She came to my 'throwing out my ex/changing the locks' party. She gave me a CD of music, a playlist for just such an occasion, entitled "Bitch Goddess #1: Music Dealing With Feminine Rage"

Thax and I met her in Austin on Guadalupe one afternoon, "The Drag," where we stood across the street from The Scientology Building in our "Anonymous" masks or bandannas or faces concealed "T-Shirt ninja" style, with silly signs and taunted the khacki & polo-clad Scientology employees as they came and went. Then we got Thai food at Madam Mam's down the street. She paid; she always paid, she was always the one giving, and that was what attracted the users. It was almost as though she felt people wouldn't spend time with her unless she did...I will always feel that money warped her life in some terrible ways.

She had mysterious family out somewhere--wealthy, estranged & dysfunctional, but somehow stil connected; her life seemed to be an attempt to break free of them, but also prove herself to them by making it on her own--waitressing, cashiering, bookstores, banks, whatever--and whenever her life got too upside-down, she could 'always sell some stock' and buy a new car, house, whatever. It was very glamorous but also very sad to me.

I met her brother once or twice; he was quiet and intelligent in that aspie computer guy way. He died of cancer. Her father died of something awful, too, and her mother was last to go. I don't know if she ever felt loved by any of them. She spoke so admiringly of her mother's intelligence, and watching her mom's intellect decline with age really upset and frightened her. She didn't call her mom 'mom'..she called her by her first name.

We reconnected again, via Facebook I guess, and I remember going out to wherever she lived. She had put out a spread of goodies and wine to welcome me; other than the wine none of it was for her--though she loved to cook, she didn't eat much. or sleep much.

I talked her into going on vacation with me and some other folks, a cruise out of Galveston. She brought along a male friend. Another user? At least he was somewhat charming...I had fun, and there are pictures of us dressed up and smiling, but in hindsight I'm not sure how much fun she had. Then...or ever, really.

Friday July 28, she decided to end her stay on planet Earth. On the cruise she'd talked a lot about walking out onto the Glacier so I knew it was on her mind even then. Her dog Nali was the reason she gave to stick around. Nali died a while back. She'd gotten another dog. I guess I hoped that was enough.

I don't know what else to say; I wish I remembered more. She was smart, cynical, beautiful, amazingly funny, miserably sad, and so fucking angry. It was a fire under her skin and in her eyes. I always knew she was going to leave this disappointing world on her terms, it was just a matter of timing. She was Intergalactic Royalty and I hope she's found her throne and the love and light she needed in life and couldn't find or allow herself to have.

I listened to the Bitch Goddess #1 CD today on repeat/shuffle. I heard a song I don't remember ever hearing before. Janis Ian's "From Me to You," and it was the perfect goodbye. Wherever she has gone now, I hope it's not a disappointment.
evile: (deadmoon)
On September 9, 2015, we lost one of the most amazing, unique, talented, intelligent, warm, LOUD, people in the entire world. Our friend Bart.

I will be joining with thousands of people nationwide this fall to walk in AFSP's San Antonio Walk Out of the Darkness Community Walk to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I would appreciate any support that you give for this worthwhile cause & would love to walk with as many of Bart's loved ones as possible, and share Bart Stories and memories of better times.

Wear red shoes if you have 'em!

Here's the official page to join the team or make a donation:

http://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&participantID=828595

Here is the Facebook event page if you would like to come walk with us.

https://www.facebook.com/events/906009859479249/
evile: (Nightmare)
This year has just flown by and I don't feel like I have much to show for it. Time passes faster as you get older, I think....

Our weekend has been pretty laid back. Yesterday was Bart's memorial service & reception in San Antonio. Other than the selected speakers at the memorial, nobody really talked about Bart. The reception was more like a reunion, 'what are you doing these days' kind of thing.....it was nice but I really wanted more Bart stories. I kept a journal of all my times back then but I don't actually remember much off the top of my head. I didn't really know what to say to his mom, sister, and brother, so I didn't say anything. I hadn't seen him in years and years, I just didn't feel like I had the right to say anything. So I stood around awkwardly, talked a little to the two people there I knew, but even that felt wierd and wrong, like I was in the way and keeping them from talking to the people they actually wanted to talk to.

When I got to the memorial, I said hi to Ross and met his wife Jeanne. Ross told me I look exactly the same....which was nice of him. I expected to cry more than I actually did. There was a slide show of photos of Bart from all the times of his life, mixed together. I recognized some. A few made me laugh or at least smile.

The reception was at "The Circle School" just off Broadway near the Witte; it looked like a big old bungalow had been turned into a school. The classrooms had names like "the star room" and "the rainbow room"--if my sister lived in San Antonio, I could totally see my niece going to that school. We got there a little early and helped set up tables and stuff.

Anyway....I didn't stay til the end, we left for home around 6:30. You can't go home again.

Christine C. One of the people I went to HS with, who knew Bart also....went kind of bugnuts and unfriended me in Facebook. Apparently she felt she hadn't been told enough about what was going on when, as far as the memorial service, reception, and graveside ceremony. When I had messaged her the official obituary, she told me she wasn't going to anything, because Bart's sister and her sister are best friends, and she isn't on speaking terms with her sister. Also had some drama with Ross, the main organizer of everything and one of Bart's best friends. So the last post from her I saw before she unfriended me was a lot of cuss words and "Why didn't anyone tell me about the memorial service, Bart was my friend too" and "I hate you!!" Oh, yeah, and her husband posted to let all mutual friends of Chris and Bart that we are pieces of shit. I probably should not have responded at all, but I did. I said something like "I messaged you and posted all teh info I had, I don't know what else I could have done,".....but the thing is....she's an adult, and she DID have all the info she needed in order to make whatever decisions about attending or not attending....so her making things other people's fault or responsibility is just her.....not my responsibility or my problem. Of course I feel like a horrible person and a bad friend, because that's my codependent conditioning at work....but really, this is her grief and anger and sadness needing an outlet and a target and me being the best one, as usual, as always, because that's who I am and that's who she is.

Anyway. :/ I can't say it doesn't bother me or hurt me, but I can at least recognize some of the irrational aspects of the situation and why it shouldn't bother me or hurt me the way it is. So, there's that.

Today has just been sleeping in, hanging out in pjs. Thax made coffee and waffles. Now he's working on various little fix-it projects around the house that he'd been meaning to get to for a while. I haven't done a damn thing. We need to get to the grocery store at some point.

My life feels pretty empty and quiet now that I don't plan (and pay for!) grand group adventures anymore. Oh well.
evile: (dorothy)
So, every once in a while, I check out shrink4men.com. Something I see time and again is a guy chiming in on the ‘comments’ section, saying things like “My wife/girlfriend screams at me, spits at me, throws things at me, slaps me, breaks my stuff, (etc etc) should I get out?”…the answer, of course, being, “effing DUH, dude,” but then hindsight and memory kick in and I realize that it’s not always that simple; there are kids involved, there’s property, there’s pets, not to mention it was a long slippery slope from the first day they fell in love to the night she kept him up all night crying and screaming at him and finally to the day she started slapping him around and stomping on his iphone. And he still loves her. And he thinks if he just finds the perfect thing to do/say/be, she won't do it again and she will love him again the way she did during the great times when they first got together.

It seems so insane, but there’s such a gradual progression to that point of insanity, you literally do not notice, or you have somehow managed to hone your powers of denial to apply a thick coat of “it’s not so bad”…

Here’s where the light bulb went off for me. You know that old saying about how “if someone doesn’t treat the waiter nice, s/he’s not a nice person”? In my relationship with fungus_finger, I came to finally see that my ex was much nicer and more considerate to waitstaff than he was to me or my family.

And then there came a realization that if I was just meeting this man today, and this was our first date, there is NO WAY in HELL that I would tolerate being treated the way he had gradually come to treat me. I would have no place in my life, ATALL, PERIOD, for such a rude, slovenly stranger. So why the heck was I putting up with being treated that way by someone with whom I’d chosen to make a lifetime commitment and I thought had made a similar commitment to me??? Did I really want to spend the rest of my life being ignored, belittled, verbally assaulted, physically intimidated, picking up his messes, paying his bills, surrounded by his garbage, cooking and cleaning and functioning as not much more than a human Fleshlight? NO. And not just NO, but HELL FUCKING NO!

Sometimes all it takes is a fresh look at something to finally see it for what it is. Would you accept the way your partner treats you if they were a stranger on the street or a person on a first date? Would you feel comfortable if a dear friend was being treated the way your SO treats you? If the answer is no, it may be time to make a plan, get safe, and get that person GONE from your life.
evile: (deadmoon)


Today's thought from Hazelden is:

We like someone because, we love someone although.
--Henri de Montherlant


Families are like scissors. They are joined in the middle but often spread wide apart, moving away from each other. When we're not feeling close to other family members - when it's hard even to like them - it seems as though we'll never come together again.


But pity the scrap of paper that comes between our scissor blades! The scissors works together again and slices the trouble clean. When trouble threatens our family, we can slice it through if we move together in love and acceptance.


No matter our small differences, we are part of the same living organism, in a way. The family we live in has been together for many generations, and we are just the most recent members. When we look at one another, we see the products of centuries of love.


When I feel distant from my family, can I locate where we are still joined together?

You are reading from the book:

Today's Gift by Anonymous

Today's Gift © 1985, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the permission of Hazelden.

evile: (Default)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jze2xTcukc0

"Years of silence, not enough Who could blame us giving up? Above the quiet there's a buzz That's me trying."

Daddy's best friend Bill tells me there will always be regrets, that we just have to live with them and go on. There's no point in beating up on myself because of all the things I shoulda, coulda, woulda...

I'm grateful for the almost two years I got to reconnect with him. I'm sorry for all the years we weren't in touch. But there's nothing to do about that now, except live and be with the people I love who love me. And try to be at peace with the burned bridges, too.
evile: (deadmoon)


Today it rained for the first time since the morning my father died.

People ask how I am and I want to say “My father is dead,”

That’s not what you’re supposed to say.

Not what you're allowed to say.

You’re supposed to say “fine,”

Fine fine.

My father is dead.
evile: (blinky)
http://www.wheresthemoon.com/

Is it loyalty?Or sado-masochism?


The Art and Politics of saying Good-byeRead more... )

all of which reminded me of reading this a few weeks ago.
evile: (cookie Cat)
"Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the nonpharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality."

--John W. Gardner (American Writer and Secretary of Health, Education and Welfare, 1912-2002)





http://www.motivational-inspirational-corner.com/powerup2.html?id=673&startrow=2



http://www.aboundlessworld.com/party-crashing-101-how-to-crash-a-pity-party/
evile: (TX)
http://captainawkward.com/2012/08/07/322-323-my-friend-group-has-a-case-of-the-creepy-dude-how-do-we-clear-that-up/

This blog entry has a LOT of good points. a LOT.

I am not trying to dismiss those points by trying to create a distinction between "how we deal with predators as a formal entity with elected leadership and bylaws" and "how we deal with predators when they are friends of friends in informal group settings,"

So let me try again to compare these apples and oranges:

1) You’re at a convention. You’re at work. You’re at an SCA or Amtgard or Civil War Re-Enactors' event. You’re camping at the renaissance festival. You’re attending a church ‘shut in’. You’re at the comic book store. Someone harasses you. Someone touches you without your permission. Someone says vulgar or threatening things to or about you. Someone assaults you. There are people who are there to help. There is a boss, a store owner board of directors, chairperson, ‘autocrat’, king/queen, event security. There are policies and procedures for everyone involved to follow and utilize to address the incident.

2) You have a group of friends. A friend of a friend harasses you. A friend of a friend touches you without your permission. A friend of a friend makes verbal threats against your person, life, or livelihood. A friend of a friend assaults you. At that point, you have police and you have your word against theirs, and you have a choice about how far you want or need to go in order to make yourself feel safe.

As a friend of many strange and diverse people, I am NEVER going to take the word of another person about who I should or should not be friends with. I am NEVER going to listen to one stranger tell me another stranger is toxic and evil and follow that person's directive to "WARN ALL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT ______!!!" Because, seriously, I don't want to live in a world where one person can say "Bramblekite is toxic and evil, avoid her," and have everyone that they say that to BELIEVE them and ACT on it without thinking or questioning or finding out for themselves. And I am NEVER going to entrust my health, well being, or safety to anyone but ME, either. I'm glad of laws and law enforcement. I'm glad for formal groups with formal leadership. But the buck stops right here, with me. And I'm glad of it.

Personal aside, tangent. Read more... )

FWIW

Aug. 3rd, 2012 06:59 pm
evile: (cookie Cat)
I have had an experience with A person, B event, or C place that is not the same as yours.
That does not automatically translate to “I think you’re lying”

I have an opinion that differs from yours.
That does not automatically translate to “I am attacking you.”

A bad thing happened to you.
That does not automatically mean that you get to go around saying “I am a good person, and other people are bad people.”

Bad things happen to good people. Bad things happen to bad people. Bad things happen to everyone, all the time. Sometimes as a result of bad decision. Sometimes you're doing something stupid. Sometimes because you’re just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sometimes you’re trying to do something good and it blows up in your face. Sometimes the bad thing that happens is something that the other person isn't even aware of at the time, and it's in no way aimed at you, personally (standing at the bus stop on a rainy day, someone drives by in a hurry and splashes water on you...) Shit happens. All the time. To everyone.

Demonizing others does not help your cause. Attacking others does not help your credibility. Deciding you’ve been attacked and demonized and running around screaming “I’m a victim!” does not invite people to admire you.

You have the right to your thoughts and feelings. But please realize that putting aside your feelings, organizing your thoughts and presenting events as objectively as possible is the best possible way to win friends and influence people.

Unless you just want headshaking and pity. In which case, just keep on doin' what you're doin'.

Daily Fix

Feb. 24th, 2012 07:57 pm
evile: (coyote)
from http://www.wheresthemoon.com/

DAILY FIX weekend

Healing a wound? Who isn't? The Sun risesnow above Chiron in Pisces, and that configuration is all about
healing a wound. Usually it's something so deep you don't even want to talk about it,
but the more conscious you are, the less likely you are to act out. There's been a cut,
a break, and pieces have to be put back together again

==============

Very timely. I was just reading my LJ from about this time last year. What a crunchy chocolate-coated mess I was....ffs. Glad I have any friends left after all that. Glad I still have a relationship with Thax. He is a patient man who loves me very much.
evile: (fist)
just got done having an exchange with one of the most passive agressive people i've met in a while (pot, kettle, shush. I know. Workin on it!)

The unofficial organizer/alpha bitch/cutest geekette of the GeekCruise gang posted today about changing our cruise due to some of the ports are in countries having political unrest.

I responded with my concerns--that it had taken quite some time for the group to settle on this sailing, that some folks had already booked and paid deposits, and that she had not liked Jamaica for safety concerns, but those of us who went did fine. And if Carnival has to skip a port, we'd be likely to pick up some freebies or discounts to appease us, so win, even if we skip a port.

Her reply was 'I was not making up how dangerous Jamaica is, I'm just trying to keep people safe. Sorry for caring about peoples' safety'

So I called her on the passive agressive, and clarified that i was not calling her a liar re:Jamaica, restated my points, and asked her not to pull any more passive agressive on me because it's 'unhelpful, unfair, and unkind'

She then deleted the whole conversation and posted 'everything's shiny'

I dislike this sort of non resolution and non discussion. I dislike being characterized as someone who does not care about everyone's safety because I would not do what she wanted me to do.

I did my best to be honest and kind. It may not have been THE best thing to do, but it was MY best, and I'm not angry or ashamed of myself. I will feel sad if we end up losing her and the geek cruisers as friends over it, but I will not be angry or bitter. I will accept the consequences.

Oh well...I'm annoyed but I will not die. I like the geek cruise folks but I will not feel too bad if they all end up following PA Alpha on another sailing.



the deletery bits Read more... )

And fooey, I don't have any of mine, she deleted them and my own FB posts don't go to my gmail box.

Oh well. Probably for the best.

The FB email: Read more... )
evile: (Bitchplz)
Just about everyone I know seems to be in a crankypants mood today. I'm more emo, but, meh, I am also feeling the vibe in the air. Is it the weather? the heat? the allergens? some cosmic alignment of GRR?

I dunno.

I like This rant very much, though. and I thought I'd share.


Oh, also this.
evile: (Bitchplz)
I blew up, I freaked out, I got mad, I'm the bad guy. It's all on me. Aren't I the unreasonable bitch? Aren't they just the innocent wounded parties having to deal with the sicko crazy woman. Poor poor little victims. Soooo mistweated and misunderstood. So sad.

What I find most interesting about interacting with emotional manipulators is how they can push past your bounaries til you blow up, then step back and play the oh so reasonable and noble hurt party. This is a game I do not play well. Especially not when I'm recovering from fricken emergency eye surgery.
evile: (Poly)
So, I hadn't used my google calendar in ages. I used to do all my calendar maintenance from work and now I don't go online from work anymore. Went online a little while ago and found that Thax is invited to a Xmas party tomorrow at the GF's house. (and he's spent the day with her, and probably the night, since he has no work tomorrow)

Now, I get that I'm not invited/welcome because I'm not really her friend, and that's cool. I don't feel that she should have felt obligated to invite me. But I DO feel that Thax might should have mentioned 'oh, by the way, I'm going to a party tomorrow over at my gf's house' [course, that's why we keep google calendars, so we can catch the things that fall thru the cracks of conversation and be on the same page. So, yeah, I'm getting all bent out of shape for nothing. I know it with my smart brain but I can't seem to stop myself from feeling this way. It's very fucking annoying.]

And of course none of this is really even a problem or an issue because I have TWO party invites tomorrrow night that I plan to pop by at least briefly, even though I basically just know the hosts and none of the other guests all that well and one is a gamer/rockband party. So...I had plans. I am not trolling for an invitation here. Just...feel left out of the loop on his life.

Also, he plans to help move his dad on Sunday, when I was under the impression he was going with me to visit my brother A. Also, OK...I usually make that trek alone, and the only reason I'd originally thought he was coming with me the 19th is because I thought we were headed to visit my OK family after that.

So, agian...nothing is fucked here, but I'm feeling stepped on and ignored and mistreated and all sorts of other bullshit, when the fact is that I am terribly selfish and self centered and I monopolize MOST of Thax's spare time as it is, so I'm just getting all bent out of shape because for once he wants to do something that I'm not dragging him to.

Fuck me. I just need to quit this bullshit RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

I really hate myself right now.
evile: (Danger Cat)
from http://www.boomeranglove.com

How did we get into these painful relationships? What signs did we miss that would have tipped us off about our partner’s serious emotional problems? We all know now, looking backwards, when the particular behaviors began to surface, but could we have seen the tip of the iceberg behavior sooner?

J. Kent Griffiths, DSW, in his work Character Disorder, says, "We all have several of these traits on a bad day, but if you see a preponderance of these attributes in yourself or the person you're worried about, it may indicate what is called a personality disorder. We should work on overcoming these attributes and avoid people who possess many of them."

BEHAVIORS THAT MAY INDICATE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDERRead more... )
evile: (QThinking)
this one feels kind of like I have a tiger by the tail...but I'll put down what I think I know and hopefully revisit with more later.

[livejournal.com profile] knighthorse shared this video with me. There is a character, Penelope, who always needs to be the best, have the best, biggest, most of whatever it is that other people are talking about.

I've known people like this and they make me craaaaazy. I'm not competitive in this way, and normally I don't really care if my [fill in the blank] is better, worse, more expensive, or whatever. But I do not like people telling me that my [fill in the blank] is inferior to theirs. Really, who would? I also don't really see the point in people teling me that my [fill in the blank] is better than theirs. My ego isn't tied up with that thing.

So, I put my shoe on the other foot and tried to understand why a person would be like that.

And then I finally caught a glimpse of why some of my friendships and relationships have failed so badly. It's because no matter how kind I try to be (and in fact, the more I try to be kind, the worse it got) the other person ended up feeling either a) resentful or b) inferior. Or maybe both.

Here's how I think it works: I invite people over for dinner, or a housewarming party, or a holiday party. I have planned, cooked, cleaned, and gone all-out to make it the best event it can be. Because that's what I like to do. I'm hedonistic and materialistic, to be sure, but in my way of thinking, nothing I have is worth anything or even particularly enjoyable unless I have people I love to share with. (That may be it's very own mental aberration, but I don't think it's all that destructive, so I'll leave it alone for now.)

So this person (We can call her X, or The Rubber Pig, or "Penelope The Sad,") comes over to my house for dinner or Xmas or a party and immediately their anxiety goes thru the roof.

I think they are thinking either

a) "now that E has given me this nice time, I owe her something as good or better."

or maybe

b) "E is just feeding me this great food and giving me this nice time to show off how much better she is than me."

Or maybe both?

Because that's the way "Penelope" operates. She doesn't give you things because she likes you, she gives you things so you'll owe her equivalent or better things. She doesn't do things strictly because she enjoys them, she does things to show off, so that you will envy her, and she attributes those same motivations to you. Her whole life is this big nasty game: keeping score, getting even, paybacks, punishments, and, ultimately, winning.

So my theory is, if Penelope reaches the conclusion that she doesn't have anything as good or better than yours, she feels inferior and becomes resentful and angry. You big stupid show-off, you.

Likewise, if Penelope *does* give you something or do something for you and you don't turn around and give her something of equivalent or greater value in return, she becomes resentful and angry. Don't you understand YOU OWE HER!? You are not playing by the rules, and you suck.

So...that's why I've lost some people as friends. I was too nice to them, for no reason, and I did not ever understand that a game was being played so I frustrated them by not following the rules. No big loss, after all, but it would have been nice to convince them that they didn't have to 'win' all the time in order to be liked and respected. That I wanted to like them for who they were, rather than what they could give me or do for me. But the game got in the way.

Sad.
evile: (Default)
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Of *course* I have (do?) and of course it's a bad idea. It's emotionally unhealthy and it is painful, both for myself and those who care about me who get tired of watching me poke holes in myself just to watch myself bleed. Or, ya know, maybe not even that dramatic. It's a disgusting habit, like nose-picking, that your friends get embarassed and disgusted when they catch you doing it.

Exes, both friends and lovers, those people are out of my life for a reason. Good or bad, they're gone, and I really don't want them back.

Of course, I'd find it enjoyable to check in on their Myspace, Facebook, and LJ and find them a) suffering terrible misfortunes
b) lamenting about how wrong they were and/or
c) missing me terribly and feeling like complete crap for treating me so bad.

BUT, that is NEVER gonna happen, and my smart brain knows it.

Still, every once in a while, I get bored, or I don't want to focus on something more immediately painful, so I go lookin' at people from my past.

le sigh.
evile: (TX)
How Rapey Rape-Rape does a Rape have to be/Before you can call it a Rape?

Apparently drugging a 13 year old and getting her drunk, then sticking your disgusting old man cock in every hole she has, isn't really all that Rape-y. Good to know.

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