My mother died sometime  this morning, official time of death was pronounced at 8something AM, but my sister said she was gone before that, in her sleep.

I had insomnia last night (been a lot of that lately)...I finally switched off the computers and phone screens around 1am and just forced  myself to lay in bed, hot  bored and uncomfortable, just laying there, doing nothing, until I guess I finally went to sleep. Sometime while it was still dark and before Thax's 6am alarm, I woke up to the sound of humming, and something that sounded kind of like native american chanting, low male voice or voices in an eerie, strange melody. There didn't seem to be a pattern or a repeated line or chorus or anythng, just louder and softer, higher and  lower notes, humming/chanting I don't know if my brother A. was awake and playing music in his room, or if it was that thing where your mind wants to interpret odd sounds as music or voices. It could have just as well been the sound of the fan combining with the sound of the dog snoring.

Anyway....I listened for a while and it did occur to me at the time that my mother might be passing at that exact moment. I won't ever have a way of knowing and it doesn't matter.

I was thinking, back in mid May that my mom might die on my bday. When that day passed, I saw that the full  pink moon is on my sister's bday this year--June 11, and I felt pretty sure that mom would go on June 11. But she surprised me and died on my SIL "Skye"'s bday.

A few times it's occurred to me that my mom might have wanted a daughter more like Skye than like me; many of the gifts mom sent over the years were in purple (Skye's color, NOT mine), small (Skye's feet are sz 7, mine are 9, her fingers and wrists are smaller than mine, and mom has sent shoes and jewelry that were those sizes and in fashions more suited to Skye than to me. Gifts of tarot cards and witchy images, western/horsey things, candles, etc. She once sent me a wierd 'witch box' that she probably found in a thrift store but was apparently part of some kind of 'occult' themed subscription box....anyway... many presents over the years that were nothing to do with my taste or style or size, and more suited to Skye.   To be sure, mom also recognized that Skye was a bitch, who was mean to  people and animals, and dishonest, and cruel.... but I think mom really was enchanted with the witchy, horsey, magickal part of Skye's personality.... and it's possible that if Skye had grown up with a momo like mine, she might have not turned out so mean and bad.... I dunno. something I thought of as I realized the significance of today being a certain birthday and a certain death day. I think Skye and my mother both shared a sense of contempt for me being a dull bureaucratic wage slave for so long. I did creative and fun things in my 'real life' spare time, and did not give any of my creative spirit to work and maybe that was a bad or stupid compromise, and maybe it was or is contemptible. Skye has insisted on being a 'successful' independent' 'businesswoman' and living life on her own terms despite the fact that her husband and her partner do the majority of the heavy lifting to make her 'successful'....maybe mom saw herself in that, as she was an 'independent' woman who went and lived on the rez and taught native kids while her husband provided support from afar. She certainly would not have been able to do that without someone keeping a 'home base' and doing a lot of work in the background to let her do what she wanted to do.

I don't have much in the way of grief, now or maybe ever. During the early days of my brother A's incarceration, we had some words and I realized that I can love someone and still not like them very much.  The Xmas we went up and got snowed in, the visit was nice for a while but then Mom got sick of having me around and started in on the passive aggressive shitty behavior, which Thax saw for the first time and realized why I don't love my mom as much as everyone else seems to.   But then he and Mom both decided that they don't remember any of that and Mom rewrote that visit as a wonderful time for everyone that we should all get together and do again, while my own avoidant/dissociaitive tendencies kept me from rememberig it clearly..but still not wanting to accept the gaslighting "oh that didn't really happen//oh that wasn't as bad as you feel (can't remember) it was" ... I don't think Thax has a great memory, either. But him trying to minimize how bad that situation felt for me after the fact while seeming to acknowledge it being bad at the time it was happening...sits wrong with me, even now.    Mom tried to kill herself in....2022? early 2023? before she broke her hip and after she realized that her mental capacity was slipping and she was losing the ability to do things like drive, type, read, write, etc.  She tried to kill  herself sometime in her teens to. There may have been other attempts I don't know about.  She has wanted to be dead for as long as I can remember. And now she is dead. I hope she is at peace.  And I have to be, too. For the parenting I got, even if it wasn't what child-me wanted or needed, it's all there is. All there was. All they had to give, as deficient as it was for child-me.  And now they're all gone.

 someone blowing up their facebook with facticles and listicles about 'narcissists' and how a 'narcissist' is currently destroying her life.... LOLOLOL. I mean, correct, but not in the way it's being framed in the person's eternal victim mentality. the person is the narcissisist, destroying their own life. If this were a young person with the often stunning lack of self awareness & selfishness of a young person, I'd offer them this advice.  But, at 54 years of age, and with a suspicion that this person is actually personality disordered, the possibility of growth and change is very limited.  Not sad for them so much as sad for everyone and everything they ruin with their presence and continued self sabotage, inability to reflect, inability to improve, and constant blame & shame game & victim-playing.  sad. 

https://www.truworthwellness.com/blog/lack-of-self-awareness/

Signs That You Lack Self-Awareness: Understanding Yourself For Personal Growth

Truworth Wellness

Oct 11, 2024 • 5 min read

Self-awareness is a vital trait that allows us to understand our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors and how they impact those around us. It’s the foundation for personal growth, better decision-making, and effective communication. When someone lacks self-awareness, it can lead to misunderstandings, strained relationships, and missed opportunities for improvement.

In this blog, we'll explore common signs of lacking self-awareness and how becoming more aware can enhance your personal and professional life.

1. You Frequently Blame Others for Your Problems

One of the clearest signs of lacking self-awareness is the tendency to blame others for your difficulties. People who are unaware of their role in problems tend to shift responsibility. Whether it’s a failed project at work or a disagreement with a friend, they rarely look inward to assess their behavior.

For instance, if you find yourself saying things like “It’s all their fault” or “They made me feel this way” without ever questioning your actions or reactions, you might be avoiding self-reflection. Self-aware individuals, on the other hand, take ownership of their actions and learn from their mistakes.

2. You Struggle to Take Constructive Criticism

When someone offers you feedback, how do you react? If you find yourself becoming defensive, dismissive, or even angry when receiving constructive criticism, it’s a sign that you may lack self-awareness. Self-aware individuals accept feedback as an opportunity for growth.

Those lacking self-awareness tend to perceive criticism as a personal attack, which makes them resistant to change. Being open to feedback is crucial for personal development, and acknowledging our weaknesses is the first step toward improvement.

3. You Have Poor Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation refers to how well you manage and respond to your emotions. If you often feel overwhelmed, react impulsively, or find it difficult to control your emotions, it may be a sign of low self-awareness. For instance, you might snap at someone for a minor inconvenience or feel stressed without knowing why.

Self-aware individuals are more in tune with their emotions and can identify their triggers. They understand how their emotions affect their behavior and can regulate their responses accordingly. Without this awareness, emotions can dominate your actions, leading to irrational decisions and strained relationships.

4. You’re Often the “Victim” in Your Stories

If you constantly see yourself as the victim in your life’s narrative, it could be a sign that you lack self-awareness. People who are unaware of their own flaws or contributions to problems tend to feel that life happens to them, rather than taking control of their circumstances.

Statements like “Why does this always happen to me?” or “I’m always treated unfairly” reflect a victim mentality. While everyone faces challenges, self-aware individuals focus on what they can control, rather than feeling powerless or blaming others.

5. You Have a Hard Time Empathizing with Others

Empathy is a key aspect of emotional intelligence, and without self-awareness, it’s difficult to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. People who lack self-awareness struggle to understand the feelings or perspectives of others, often dismissing or invalidating them.

For example, if a friend is upset and you respond with, “You’re overreacting” or “It’s not that big of a deal,” you’re not considering their emotional state. Self-aware individuals are more likely to be empathetic, as they can understand how their own emotions work and are more attuned to others’ experiences.

6. You Struggle to Recognize Patterns in Your Behavior

If you find yourself repeating the same mistakes, it could be a sign of low self-awareness. Lacking the ability to recognize patterns in your behavior means you might not be learning from past experiences. This can apply to various aspects of life, such as repeating the same type of conflict in relationships or consistently underperforming at work without understanding why.

Self-awareness helps you identify these patterns and take steps to break the cycle. Without it, you’re likely to repeat the same behavior, expecting different results.

7. Your Relationships are Strained

Personal and professional relationships require clear communication, empathy, and understanding—traits that are closely linked to self-awareness. If you notice that your relationships are often marked by conflict or misunderstandings, it could be a sign that you lack self-awareness.

People who are unaware of how their behavior affects others might unintentionally come off as insensitive or unapproachable. They might also fail to see how their actions contribute to the deterioration of the relationship. Self-aware individuals, on the other hand, are better at navigating social dynamics and maintaining healthy relationships.

Do You Over-Analyze Everything? How It Affects Your Work Life?

8. You Have Unrealistic Expectations

Having unrealistic expectations of yourself and others is another sign of low self-awareness. This can manifest in two ways: either setting impossibly high standards for yourself or expecting others to meet your needs without clearly communicating them.

For instance, you might expect others to know how you’re feeling without expressing it or assume that everyone should meet your standards. This lack of realistic thinking can lead to disappointment and frustration. Self-aware individuals understand their own limitations and communicate their needs effectively, creating healthier expectations for themselves and others.

9. You Avoid Self-Reflection

Do you find yourself avoiding time alone with your thoughts? If you tend to distract yourself with activities, social media, or other forms of entertainment to avoid self-reflection, it might be a sign that you lack self-awareness.

Self-reflection is a powerful tool for growth, as it allows you to analyze your actions and emotions, and consider how you can improve. Avoiding this introspection can prevent you from recognizing your flaws, weaknesses, or areas where you need to grow.

10. You’re Stuck in Your Comfort Zone

A lack of self-awareness often keeps people in their comfort zones, afraid to try new things or take risks. This fear of failure or judgment can stem from an inability to objectively assess your strengths and weaknesses. Without self-awareness, you might convince yourself that it’s safer to stay where you are, rather than stepping out and growing.

Self-aware individuals are more willing to take risks, as they understand both their capabilities and their areas for improvement. They also recognize that growth often requires stepping outside their comfort zone.

Practice These Self-Improvement Techniques At Work

How to Develop Self-Awareness?

If you recognize some of these signs in yourself, don’t worry—self-awareness is a skill that can be developed over time with effort and practice. Here are some ways to improve your self-awareness:

• Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness involves paying attention to your thoughts and feelings without judgment. This practice helps you become more aware of your emotions and how they influence your behavior.
• Ask for feedback: Sometimes, we can’t see ourselves clearly, but others can. Don’t be afraid to ask trusted friends, family members, or colleagues for feedback on your behavior and how it affects others.
• Reflect regularly: Set aside time each day or week to reflect on your actions, emotions, and reactions. Journaling can be a great tool for this.
• Seek professional help: Therapy or coaching can provide valuable insights into your behaviors and patterns that you may not be aware of.

Becoming more self-aware is a journey, not a destination. By recognizing the signs of low self-awareness and taking steps to improve, you’ll set yourself on a path toward better relationships, greater emotional regulation, and personal growth.

In conclusion, self-awareness is a crucial aspect of personal development. When you lack it, you may struggle with relationships, emotional regulation, and personal accountability. By recognizing these signs and making an effort to grow, you can enhance your self-awareness and improve various aspects of your life

Tell people you love them, make whatever peace you need to make, before you die, before those near to you die. Before the time comes that it is too late. And you never know how early that time will be, for you or for anyone near to you. 

I've noticed A Thing.  The collapsing/aging narcissist (abuser) is past their prime, sick, no longer charming or pretty or capable of much quick wit, no longer capable of performing acrobatically perverted sexual acts that would make a goat vomit with disgust, many or most of their targets have them on no contact, grey rock, limited contact, and they are running out of supply. So they fall back once again to their 'poor pitiful me' act. "You only have one [mother, father, grandmother, bla bla] and I'll be gone soon, so wouldn't it be good to make peace, forgive, bla bla bla"......this of course doesn't mean that the narc abuser will acknowledge their harm, make amends, offer apologies, or improve their behavior. This means that they want you to come running to their deathbed with flowers and gifts and tears and apologies [you. apologize to them. for their abuse of you. yep that's cool, right?]

Adjacent to that is the "I know you don't talk to me about [problem/person/situation] but I have secret breadcrumbs of information I will scatter so that you will ask me about [problem/person/situation]  and I can get you all stirred up and upset and irrational and feed on your feelings and use your upset feelings to show everyone that YOU are the problem person in our relationship,"  

It is not a genuine wish for reconciliation, peace, or a real apology or extension of forgiveness. It is a manipulation, designed to pull people in for another bite, to make more drama, to get more narcissistic supply by stirring the pot, to set yourself up as some kind of noble soul for extending this olive branch and offering people you've fucked over to come and grovel for your love and forgiveness.

My mom did that to me when she learned that X was having some health issue. She ramped it up [either because of her imaginative nature or penchant for drama, or whatever] to a 'stage 4' diagnosis and "begged" me to "make peace" with her. For the sake of my soul or some shit, I suppose.   I resisted her drama and did not re-engage with X. Learned later that it was not as dire of a diagnosis as my mom had said, but she inserted herself into the middle of a situation and made it sound worse than it was in order to feed off drama, set me off and upset me, so that I could once again be the reactive, crazy bag of shit that I am/was  in every fucking situation when it comes to me and crazy abusive user assholes.

"Oh I'm dying, please come weep at my deathbed,"....no thanks.   If there is genuine mourning for the loss of a relationship, I've done it, and when there is death, I will probably mourn again for what I thought I had with that person, and the bitter reality of what it actually was, and what I wish it had been. Potential to dust.

So, here is where I"m at with "making peace" and "forgiveness" and all of that shit.

I AM at peace with my decisions to exclude certain people from my life for as long as I continue to be alive.  What happened, what was said or done, is in the past and is no longer harming me except if I allow myself to rehash those old things and hurt myself with the old stories again.  I choose not to do that.  Forgiveness is not a transaction. I do not need to re engage with those people in order to discuss what was said and done, when, and to whom, who did it first, who did it worse, why they/I did it.  Forgiveness means it is not a current situation, it is not currently harming me, and I am not giving those people any place or power in my life to harm me further.  Peace means it is done and I am done.   I have made my peace. I will not re-engage with people who have harmed me in the past. If they regret those harms, as I regret the harms I've done, they should take the lesson in how to treat people better (if they are capable of learning, which narcissists are generally NOT) and do so with the people they currently still have in their lives. Take the lesson and do better next time you have a similar situation or opportunity.  That is making peace. 

 last night was full of icky dreams.

First part of the dream, all the dogs were barking and freaking out, something in my brother's room. Turns out the toilet and tub were making all these strange noises. I went out to the back yard and the foundation ofthe house was crumbling away in that corner of the house, a sinkhole was opening up. Thax turned off the water supply to the toilet and the noise stopped. I said something about how we were going to have to tell my brother A. not to use the toilet or tub until we had it fixed. Then, later in the dream,  A was going to try and fix it himself.

Someone then told me my brother sineater was finally going to divorce his wife skye_ds.  I went to whereverhe was  (a restaurant? cafe?) and he was signing pages and pages of a divorce document. He said something about how he'd never been good at finding all the places on documents where he was supposed to sign and apparently it had been a major problem because he had all these messed up contracts in his life and business because he hadn't signed all the pages. Apparently the deciding factor was that he had seen a video online on one of skye_ds social media pages of her killing a horse on purpose. He showed me the video...like a bunch of people on a trail ride and the camera was somewhere above the riders, then one of the horses was rolling around on the ground apparently in some great pain...and she was just kind of preaching/yelling/lecturing everyone else on the ride to just go around it, just ignore it(?) . She was wearing a baseball cap and had her hair kind of in a knotted bun tied with what looked like fishing net? it was weird. So that finally made him decide to get a divorce.

Then I was at a funeral of ..someone? Sineaters grandmother? and there was a big envelope full of condolence cards and letters. One of them was from someone named "Sami" who said he had known my mother in college and was my real father and was finally ready to meet me. but apparently his contact info was on the envelope and I had somehow set it aside and lost it when I opened it up to read all the cards and letters and I was searching for the envelope and asking if anyone had thrown it away.

And...something about my house also being a horse stable?

I dunno. fucked up times in dreamland.  ick ick ick. brain bleach, please.

 Busy night in dreamland. First, my sister H's [deceased in RL] father The Gary was coaching a basketball team. He was wearing a rock band T shirt, a grass skirt over some shorts, and a cowboy hat.

Went from Austin to Indiana and back,with a stop in Oklahoma to see family there. Left July 1, got home yesterday July 13.   Sallisaw Ok, Eureka Springs AR, Springfield MO (just overnite, watched fireworks from our hotel window)  Bloomington IN, Greencastle IN, Brown County IN & various Indiana back roads hither and yon, then Hot Springs AR, and home.

This was a good trip. It felt longer than it actually was, due to all the adventures we managed to shove in. I didn't take any photos in Sallisaw :(

It was good to see family. I am glad we had sort of a general outline that we filled in as we went, that was a fun way to travel. Originally I'd planned to go to Tulsa and spend a day there, maybe see some friends who live there (Kaleon & his wife S.) and spend some more time with my cousin Weez' oldest girl G and her husband who are both nerds. G's husband and Thax have a good bit in common.  But Weez' husband was talking up Eureka Springs so much, I ended up convincing Weez and her husband to take an impromptu overnite trip to Eureka Springs instead. (or maybe her husband convinced me...heehee) Stayed at the New Orleans Hotel. It was fabulous. We rode the trolley, saw Christ of the Ozarks and the historic Crescent Hotel, Magnetic Spring, Grotto Spring, and listened to a blues duet in Basin Spring Park. Really nice time.

Pre covid pandemic I was much more of a planner, having days, places, reservations, and even my outfits planned out in advance. (Speaking of outfits, I didn't need as many clothes as I packed.) Changing things from Tulsa to Eureka Springs would have discombobulated me too much and I probably wouldnt' have done it. Glad I am a little more flexible and changeable these days and not so brittle and easily freaked out.

We got to Bloomington IN a day earlier than I'd planned to be in Indiana but it was not a big deal, my sister had a guest bed all ready for us :) We got to sleep with dogs again after a few days of dog free sleep. Her dogs are bigger than Sunny but lighter than Boba and they curl up very small so they were lovely snugglers.  We made lemoncello and lemon bars from lemons they had left over from a girl scout lemonade stand that was not as successful as they wanted it to be. We took my niece Eme to her week of girl scout camp. Apparently they can choose 'specialities' or tracks at camp so she is in the horse group. Other girls are in general camp where they do a little of everything, some girls are in boating/swimming type stuff, there's a lot of land out there and a lot of activities and they have their own lake. Apparently during the pandemic, they opened their site for people affiliated with the scouts to come camp with their families, and H. says it saved her sanity to be able to come and camp from time to time over that year. 

We made steaks and various veggies, including fresh indiana corn, one night over at my stepdad's house, drank wine, watched dumb TV, visited. It was good.   I brought the HEB coffee that he and my mom like, so they're all stocked up for a while.  We are all past the point of wanting 'stuff' as presents (except maybe my brother A, he's catching up on things he missed in prison so he's still keen on getting 'stuff'--though he is checking out books and movies and music from the library and saving the digital stuff to his computer, so that's helping)

We played cards and trivia one night with my sister H and her husband.  I had not seen her husband smile and laugh so much. He is a bit of a nerd and Thax thinks he has a  hard time with just small talk, and I know he isn't forthcoming on 'deep conversation' because he's very private...so gaming is something he's comfortable with that makes him happy. It was fun to play games. We didn't play anything that took too long or had complicated rules. I can deal with games like that. I just can't spend hours and hours learning the rules and playing some long drawn out saga type game....not my thing. So that was fun.

And then on the way home, we drove to Hot Springs and stopped there for the night. We stayed at the Hotel Arlington, one of the historic hotels that still has hot mineral water piped into the rooms. We got in a little after 5 so we were able to walk around and see a few sights, get some dinner, swim in the pool of our hotel (spring fed,not chlorine! nice!) and enjoy ourselves a bit before we drove home the next day. The dogs were happy to see us but Sunny was a little pouty for a while. She snuggled and slept with us all night, though. I think I slept almost 12 hours last night.

I feel like I was able to give to my various family in various love languages that they speak and understand and appreciate--games with brother in law, cooking together with H and dad/G, cookies and lemon bars and fudge to my mom, quality time and shared experiences with my cousin Weez...food and drinks and togetherness. Listening to my dad when he wanted to tell stories about work and life.  That was all really, really good.

I'm glad and grateful for my job that gives me both enough money to travel with and the free time to do so (without any guilt trips or hassles from management--the state was bad about that) I'm glad and SO Grateful that Thax and I travel so well together. We are a good team. I got a little frazzled towards the end; there was a lot of emotion in seeing mom and in helping my sister H. sort out K/mom's art room and the family photos piled up in there. H lives closest so, after our stepdad G. on the front line, she is bearing the brunt of things there. G. is retiring end of August and bringing mom home from the care facility to live at home. Their life is going to be very simple, of necessity due to Mom's health and abilities. I hope it all works out. Mom and G's house  is big and there's a lot of stairs. They'll be living downstairs in the house but there is no way in or out of that house that doesn't involve stairs and the laundry stuff is in the basement. more stairs. He's having railings installed on the front and back stairs outside but there's not much to do about the shitty basement stairs. I'd be happier if they were in a single level  home with no stairs at all.

speaking of stairs, all the stairs in Eureka Springs and Indiana and Hot Springs were good for me.My knee and ankle are complainy in the morning but the movement was good for them and strengthened them. Seeing my mom so weak after her hip break made me really want to work on being stronger.

Sadly, I don't remember the last time I talked, for real, with Mom. (to be honest, I often dreaded it. I didn't want to hear what I'd done wrong or how I'd fucked up, after the fact)  And now that can't happen ever again, for good or ill. She's not herself anymore, she smiles alot and just repeats what you say to her mostly. Some spontaneous words but not many. In a way she's easier and more delightful to deal with now that she's not stubborn, wilful, spiteful, judgemental, intolerant, and impatient....but she's not really  Mom without those qualities. And of course she's not able to read, write, type, draw, or create her art anymore so that's a huge loss. I don't want to say or imply that my mom is 100% a terrible person or anything....it's complicated.She is a magnificent being, bigger than life in a lot of ways, amazingly creative and talented, adventur5ous, fearless, fantastically intelligent,  hugely damaged. Selfish. Narcissistic. Self centered. Manipulative. I don't think she ever made a choice in life that wasn't about her and what she wanted to do...and if she felt like she had to do something that she didn't actually want to do or like doing, she'd do victim/martyr/ passive agressive punishments for 'making' her do things she didn't want to do. I see a lot of that in myself and I fairly well loathe those tendencies.  I recognize where they come from but it's still a huge step from realizing 1) my upbringing fucked me up and taught me shitty ways to behave 2) I don't want to be that or do that to 3) fixing my shit

Two recent-ish revelations in that vein re: mom.  1) she did parental alienation on me and my father's relationship. She manipulated him and me both. It's not fixable. It has to be forgiven because I can't be bitter about that, even if it hurts when I think about it too much. I just have to accept it and let it go. Ho'opono. and 2) the daughter she wanted or should have had is someone more like my SIL Skye_ds.  Mom and her have more in common than mom and I (too much like my father) A lot of the gifts my mom sent me over the years were things that would have been more suited and more delightful to Skye than to me (purple, witchy, horsey, jewelry meant for smaller wrists and fingers than mine, shoes meant for smaller feet than mine--Skye's). So...another piece of that unpleasant and problematic relationship...on some level recognizing that Skye is the  daughter my mother wanted, not me. (Obviously I'm talking about the good parts of Skye's personality, not her abusive and damaged parts) ..the horse stuff, the witchy stuff, the independent and entrepreneurial stuff...not the mean bitchy stuff.  

I wanted to tell mom I love her and ask her to forgive me for not being the daughter she wanted, and tell her that I forgive her too...but I teared up and could not get it out. I did say I love you....but not the rest. And that sucks.

anyhoo...it was a good trip. I got brittle and easily freaked out towards the end and slid into 'all I do is make mistakes, nothing I do is right' mode ...and it's so frustrating to watch myself crawling further and further up my own ass and yet be seemingly unable to stop myself from continuing along those lines. Thax doesn't know what to do with me when I get like that either...it's really a no win situation. No matter what he does or says it just increases my disgust and loathing of myself in that moment.  Oh, wait, I didn't take that triple reuptake inhibitor while I was out of town because it requires refrigeration. So I guess if nothing else this shows me that the stuff works. So, back on it.

also I am up to 250 lbs. whee.


OH! and while we were traveling, Thax got a call with a job offer, so his new job starts Monday the 17th. He had at least 4 weeks of severance/pto pay out from his job that ended 6/30 so no paychecks missed during his short stint of being unemployed.  Woot! 

 Person A says:  

Busy night in Dreamland last night.

First dream I can remember had my SIL skye_ds and some of her friends and her mom. They kidnapped me and we were all in this hotel room and the mom was demanding that i tell her every terrible thing and all the grudges I had against her daughter (she never asked skye_ds to recount her grudges against me; I suppose she's heard them a few times over the years at this point). She was like "This grudge fest between the two of you has gone on for too long, you are grown women and you're both being ridiculous so we are going to settle this right now and this will be the end of it," and so on and so forth, namecalling both of us and telling us how childish and stupid we are being. I listed them out and the mom was being mean to me but even meaner to her daughter about each thing I mentioned, how ridiculous I was being and how stupid SIL had been to do or say this or that thing, and 'why did you do that, why did you say that, you know that's not how I raised you, that's so awful, bla bla bla' . And finally at the end my SIL spoke up to me and said she had tracking software and a keystroke logger and she knew every time I'd looked at any of her social media pages and all my passwords and internet activities and was going to ruin me...she wasn't saying jack to her mom for being mean to her she was just throwing all this viciousness, hate, and scorn on me. I wanted to leave so badly. I just felt humiliated and awful, both by SIL's mom's abusive personality in general and watching her dish out so much disgust and hate against her own child. And nobody said jack shit to her about how awful she was being.


Next dream, I was in Australia but it was a very lush and jungle type place. I was walking with some people and I smelled something really beautiful and the tour guide said something about how we can enjoy the fragrance in small quantities but if we got too close to the tree that makes this fragrance (it looked like a long thin giant pinecone), the flowers are toxic and we would suffocate and die. There were seeds of this plant all over the ground and I thought about taking one home with me to plant but I remembered that Australia is really strict about that kind of stuff and didn't want to spend 15 years in an Australian prison. Then we were in this gift shop with seashells and driftwood sculptures and a lot of loofah sponge products, the owner was an old hippie lady who was originally from New York. And then there was something about being in a dog park in New York with my cousin's little dog who recently passed. And maybe Liam too? I don't know. That part is fuzzy. The dog park was kind of done up like christmas time.

(I think my brain got that part from rewatching 'When Harry Met Sally' Friday night. That movie is fondly remembered but not so great on a re-watch. The main characters are really sort of awful people. But Carrie Fisher was beautiful and fun to watch, anyway.)


My brain. Ugh. Why am I like this.

 dreamed about my sil skye_ds saturday night AND sunday night.

Saturday night's dream was her on a podcast or radio station, just going through this big long list of every wrong thing I had ever done or said to her. She blamed me for literally *everything* that had ever gone wrong in her life since meeting me, from relationship problems to health problems to job problems.   And then people on her social media started unfriending her in droves. I was watching/listening but for some reason couldn't  hear the podcast/radio show very well and was trying to find someone to send me the link.  

Last night, I was at her childhood home, talking with her father. (in RL  he has passed away)  He was telling me how he preferred her first husband to the guy she's with now, kind of making rude and ignorant comments about long-hairs and liberals and whatever, saying how the first guy was respectful and well groomed and had a real job and this and that.   Then we were looking at a picture that somehow became RL, these two people in Victorian gothic clothing, wearing these elaborate face masks and hats that completely hid their faces.  For some reason I assumed these two people were his grandddaughter and niece, and asked him if having such an odd daughter who dressed and behaved so outlandishly  helped him accept his granddaughter and niece who were apparently also 'characters'...he corrected me and told me that the people we were looking at were skye_ds and her prom date, from high school, not his niece and granddaughter in the present day, so he didn't really answer my question about whether he accepted his family members or not.  

Then there was something about two pet cats they had, both black cats, and one was kind of a sweet and loving housepet and the other was kind of a feral 'barn cat' .  Skye was saying something about how she and the barn cat were psychicly linked, because they were on the same cycle,  as she got her period at the same time the barn cat was going into heat and something about how she and the cat were the same, or spiritual siblings, or some wierd TMI crazy talk. Sort of trying to link the feral cat's agressive and antisocial behavior to excuse her own similar aggressive/destructive behavior? 

Then her mom saw me, like the dreaming me/astral me/real me and told me to leave, that I was not welcome in her home. And it was so wierd and felt very real, like she actually saw me having this dream about her home and her husband and wanted me gone. Like, she was able to see me and also banish me.  And I realized that she was a very powerful witch herself and that skye_ds must have inherited some of her strong psychic powers.  Even though I know that skye's mom is  one of those super christian/evangelical types and would never practice magic or even recognize those powers in herself.

anyhoo.....wierd/creepy/uggy feeling dreams. Skye's birthday was yesterday so I guess that's why I have her haunting my subconscious.