Ya know, when you've been in a shitty relationship or have been through a crappy breakup, or whatever...you (Me, I mean) go through a period of analysis; who did what to whom, who did it first, who did it worst, who is the bad guy. You may or may not discover or decide that the person you used to love or care about is personality-disordered in some way. They may or may not actually be personality disordered, that may just be something you need to learn about and go through in order to get to your own peace of mind.

There's a school of thought that declares "if you spot it, you got it," and I think that can be true for a lot of things.

But there is also room for discernment and indeed judgement in life, when you really need to trust that what you have seen and experienced was a true thing. That you did not do anything to invite or ask another person to treat you badly, disregard your needs and feelings, and talk shit about you to other people & try to turn them against you... it's OK to get to the end of that period of introspection and discovery and conclude "I am a good person and I did not deserve to be treated like that,"

You can also go through that period of analysis and see that, yes, you did make mistakes. You were selfish. You were insensitive. You were unkind. You did some smear campaigning and attempted recruitment of flying monkeys yourownself.

I think, in the end, what would be the difference between yourself and the narcissist/abuser is that you are able to recognize what you did wrong, learn from it, and do better next time.

People who are personality disordered just tend to cycle through the same drama over and over and OVER again. The same story with themselves as the blameless victim of other people's mistreatment. I mean, yeah, some of us do have a bad 'picker' and end up with a few user loser scumbags in a row...but after watching the same story play out over the last 30-ish years in one instance, I can pretty much guarantee you that the person yelling about narcississtic abuse and flying monkeys...is the one who tends to be perpetrating narcisssistic abuse and siccing flying monkeys on the latest villain in their 'oh poor me' show.

sad and wierd. Not worth any more of my time or energy.

Current Mood: thoughtful

Reality Check

1. You will not be rewarded for bad behavior.

2. Being told 'No' is part of life. Get over it.

3. You are free to make your choice, you are not free of the consequences.

4. Life is not fair.

5. You are not the boss.

6. The world does not revolve around you.

7. Respect is earned, it is not just given.

8. The world owes you nothing. work for it.

9. Fits and Tantrums will get you nothing. Stop wasting your time.

10. You put yourself here. You need to fix you.
11. Shut your mouth, open your ears.

I read this recently on FB. It seems very unkind, unnecessarily harsh and brutal, to me. I understand folks value 'just tellin it like it is' and 'brutal honesty' and while these things may hold some truth, I think there is a kinder way to approach "reality:

1) Bad behavior is a sign that the one behaving 'badly' is in distress, out of 'cope' or possibly traumatized and triggered. We are all responsible for our own behavior, but perhaps that can encompass recognizing that when another is 'behaving badly' they may be in need of compassion more than judgement, punishment, or 'reward' for that matter. We don't need to coddle people who are bullies or assholes but we can take a breath and respond with better behavior rather than meeting 'bad behavior' with more 'bad behavior'.

2) Being told 'no' is indeed part of life. It's ok to feel disappointed, let down, or even lied to if you were expecting something other than 'no'. It's not OK to throw a fit or be an asshole about it. But again, we can take a breath and respond with compassion to ourselves and others when experiencing disappointment or hurt feelings over hearing 'no'.

3) You are free to make choices. You do get consequences for choices. When introducing consequences to others, there's no need to bully or rebuke or be harsher than necessary in order to make your point.

4) Life is not fair, and that is the fact, Jack. You, however, can strive to be fair in dealing with others and reduce the unfairness of Life within your own sphere of influence. And, honestly, sometimes life's unfairness does come out in your favor rather than against you...that's also true.

5) You are not the boss? You may actually be the boss, if you are a business owner or manager or leader. Or not. Regardless of your station in life, you are the boss of yourself, so remember to set expectations fairly, reward yourself for success, and learn from failures. The place I am working now does not use the term 'failure' ....it uses the word 'opportunities' to define any area in which we've come short of our company goals. I like that and I am going to try and apply it in my personal life.

6) The world does not revolve around you is something that unfortunately I hear a lot of really mean-spirited and unkind adults use to minimize and dismiss the feelings, fears, and concerns of other adults, subordinates, and children... each person's world does indeed revolve around them. I dont mean that in a pathological, narcissistic way. I just mean..we are the only person experiencing life in the way we are. Each of us has a 'world' that does indeed revolve around ourselves, it's the only way most of us experience our lives, from that single viewpoint. empathy and compassion can offer a glimpse of another person's experience or their world, but ....this seems like an unkind and dismisive thing to say, and often I hear it when someone is trying to gaslight or minimize another person's distress. It's not helpful. Strike it from your vocabulary. If you feel someone is being utterly selfish and not taking others' needs or feelings into consideration, behaving as if the world is revolving only around them, there are better ways to invite them to have empathy and compassion and adopt a less selfish mindset.

7) "Respect is earned" is so fukkin toxic. I can't even. Go into every interaction with an attitude of respect for the other people you are meeting. If they are rude or obnoxious, aggressive, or threatening, THEN withdraw your respect. Not before. Don't approach every interaction as the other person needing to 'prove' they are worthy in order to be treated kindly. That's just an ugly way to treat other people and an ugly way to go through life.

8) The world owes you nothing. ...another ugly way to speak and think; treating other people as though their needs are an unpleasant burden upon the earth. Is that how you feel about yourself? is that how you treat children and disabled and old folks? Be better. A sense of entitlement is ugly and unpleasant, but it's not kind to dismiss the legitimate needs and rights of others. I think the world might be a better place if we all adopted an attitude of being entitled to at least a basic level of dignity simply for being human and alive. Not a matter of 'owing anything' but just a matter of being entitled to be cared for at a basic level by the people you were born to and the society you are trying to participate in....

9) Fits and tantrums will get you nothing...another situation in which you may be observing 'bad behavior' that is an outcry of distress, trauma, pain, and being triggered. Respond with compassion, don't react with negativity. See where that gets ya.

10) You put yourself here. You need to fix you. --- yes, you may have made choices which led to a negative outcome. Unfortunately we are all the product of so many interactions over time; we do think of ourselves in the ways we were treated and spoken to as children, the way we may have been abused or neglected or ignored by bosses or partners or friends we trusted to treat us kindly. It's important to recognize the shitty patterns that may have brought us to this negative place. And it's imperative to do whatever we can to fix ourselves once we recognize these patterns. Easier said than done. Why react with more negativity against a person who is already suffering?

11) Shut your mouth, open your ears.....this sounds like another negative, judgey, bullying comment from an adult to a child or subordinate. Listening is important. telling other people to shut up is gross and mean. Even if they do talk too much and listen too little, this is not a phrase that would encourage them to change that behavior. LIke, at alllll.

Anyway....I need to finish writing thank you notes. And think about taking down xmas decorations. la la la.

So I just finished The Sparrow, by Mary Doria Russell.

I don't think I liked it very much, but I did finish it because I wanted to find out how it ended or how it resolved.

This book unfolds very slowly; you're told at the beginning that the protagonist is the only survivor of a failed mission to an alien world, and then the rest of the book introduces you to the doomed characters and eventually gets around to how they die.

It does keep you reading, because as a reader you are curious to see how things fall out.

There are some interesting parallels to the true history of some Christian/Catholic missionaries in the past. To be sure, in the end most indigenous cultures suffered and died horribly for their meeting with the European colonizers, but there are stories of individual priests who were tortured and killed horribly in the name of spreading the word of God to various savage tribes. The fate of the the main character does echo these historical accounts very admirably. And, as I'm sure one does, a person of faith would find their relationship to their God tested and perhaps abolished by such suffering in His name. Martyrs and saints find meaning in their suffering by saying they are doing it 'for god' or in witness of god's glory, or to echo the suffering and death of their main god-figure, Jesus Christ.

In the end, it speaks to all humans' struggle to find meaning and purpose in the cruelty and suffering they experience in trying to live their lives and be good people... is it better because God willed it and/or let it happen? Or is that worse, to know that an omnibenevolent, omnipotent being saw them suffering and didn't do anything to stop it? Or is it more bearable to cease belief in such a being and just resign oneself to the idea that stuff happens, often for no reason, and beings suffer and die to no greater purpose or spiritual glory? It's a good question and worth considering.

I also found a kind of satisfaction in seeing the Eden myth almost turned on its head; in the biblical story of Adam and Eve, humans were given a perfect garden and commanded to be its stewards. They broke a rule and were expelled from the garden. In this book, the creation of gardens, the intentional cultivation of food, breaks the social order of the peaceful and pleasant world the humans find and may ultimately end that civilization completely, bringing the human condition of poverty, homelessness, starvation, overpopulation, etc. to beings who had already solved those problems--perhaps in a brutal way, but again, this brings into question the meaning of suffering and death. Is widespread planetary suffering to no purpose other than some invisible being's 'glory' and 'will' better or worse than a planet in balance, enforced and controlled by the predatory dominant species of the planet? What suffering and death is acceptable, what is unacceptable, and who decides?

It was a slow slog to bring the past and present threads together, and the ending was ultimately unsatisfying, but these thoughts and questions sparked by the reading will stick with me for a while.

Is it true that narcissistic abuse can make the abused look like the narcissist?

Cat Bates

Ex husband has NPD+Updated Apr 4

The goal is for you to react and look like the crazy, unstable, abusive freak they claim you are.

The denial, gaslighting, and emotional abuse are all CRAZY-MAKING.

REACTIVE ABUSE (self defense ) is a normal response to being abused.

The “narcissist” loves for you to react and will be able to recall the exact date and time that one time you reacted and hit him back in 2012.

They will play the blame game or lie, deny and gaslight you. They stay calm to provoke you into defending yourself and then call you “crazy” for being upset. Now they're the victim.

Holding in all the abuse that wasn’t acknowledged and confronting the “narcissist” about it is a huge mistake that you will learn to regret. Don’t bother, they will fukk you up. You shouldn't have to.

I know most people can’t understand this because they have healthy boundaries and they would have been long gone by now but you’re still begging your abuser to be nice to you and treat you like you are a human being.

Maybe you don’t know what’s going on yet or don’t know what abuse is.
It is not normal for abuse to not be acknowledged. You shouldn’t have to explain. An abuser doesn’t get to tell you how to feel or what’s abusive or not.

Where are your boundaries? You should not have to ask someone who hurts you to apologize or accept responsibility. You shouldn’t have to let it all go to keep the peace.

Where’s the empathy? You are being invalidated, and this is more abuse.

So when you react and get shut down, and the abuse is minimized and denied again with no accountability, you get trapped into arguing about what is normal. This is crazy-making and emotional abuse, and no person should accept this,endure this, or be expected to calmly get over it.

So yes, you may look crazy and/or abusive in these situations and many others with a disordered person wreaking havoc on your life.

How can you even keep it all straight when emotional abuse is every day and you forget what you’re fighting for?

If you were the abusive “narcissist” then wouldn’t the real narcissist/ “so-called victim” be trying to help you?

Is the “narcissist” scared of you and walking on eggshells? Are they reading on Quora about “narcissists” and running to therapists trying to understand and get help to prove they’re not a “narcissist” or crazy?

The abused person doesn’t look like they are in control at all; they look like a friggin hot mess, talking too much and trying to explain it all, self-isolating, and avoiding everyone while trying to understand how to survive this.

https://shrink4men.com/2024/04/24/the-narcissistic-womans-relationship-manifesto-part-1/

this is a post from Xitter that when Dr T reposted in her article above, had 1.4 million views, thousands of 'quote' and 'reposts'...uggggh...Whhyyyyyyyyyy?

Conversation

Gia Macool

@GiaMMacool

What women don’t openly tell men: She likes “assholes” over “nice guys.” She desires a man she perceives to be a challenge, because she wants to earn your love. She will tell her girlfriend “I hate him” but secretly wants to F*ck him. The more emotional she is the more she cares. A man who complains is one of the biggest “ick” factors to a woman. Don’t complain about women on social media, it’s a huge turn off. She wants a man who wins, Period. She doesn’t want to hear about your struggles. A man who puts her mind at rest so she doesn’t need to worry about things, is a huge turn on. Women will always have a plan B. It’s in our DNA. If the relationship has been troubled for too long, she will begin to “slow release” from him before she ever, actually, walks away. This is why men think women move on quickly. However, she just implement her plan B, long before she told you goodbye. If she is attentive to your needs,such as wants to… Cook for you Clean for you Do your laundry Give you endless sex …she is in love with you. What she wants from you is integrity. Girls don't want to hear some, long, drawn out, heartfelt, communication from you. They want a dependable leader. Set boundaries and then act on your words. Nuff said. Deep down every girl wants to relinquish control and submit herself to a man who is a competent leader. If you’re a follower, like her, don’t be surprised when she ghosts you and walks away.

2:25 PM · Apr 21, 2024

1.4M

Views

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wow, this is some toxic bullshit. I don't know anything about the person, but apparently they're an influencer of some kind, relationship/lifestyle coach, bla bla.
Seems very creepy...kind of tradwife with some kind of extra 'ick' of some kind. shadowy non consentual BDSM or something? I dunno, the post reads as very 'off' to me. Grammatical / spelling issues aside. What kind of relationship is she describing? Sort of a contempt + lust + greed thing?

Idunno, it's just gross. I have a partner, not a 'leader'...certainly not an 'asshole'. I agree with the 'complainer' stuff....I don't think anyone likes a complainer, and certainly not a person who denigrates or complains about everyone of their desired gender when they're looking for a relationship. I think maybe it is a red, or at least 'hot pink' flag if someone makes blanket statements about 'all men' or 'all women' or "women just want this" or "men just want that," .... we are all people and we don't all want the same things from a partner or a relationship.

Anyway, the post was super creepy and Dr. T makes some good points. I suppose if you want the kind of relationship sMcCool portrays herself as having, you can model her behavior and see what you get. I prefer no assholes, no games, direct communication, and absolutely a partnership rather than a 'follower/leader' dynamic.

As far as I can see, grief will never truly end. It may become softer over time, more gentle, and some days will feel sharp. But grief will last as long as love does—forever. It’s simply the way the absence of your loved one manifests in your heart. A deep longing, accompanied by the deepest love. Some days, the heavy fog may return, and the next day, it may recede, once again. It’s all an ebb and flow, a constant dance of sorrow and joy, pain and sweet love.

– SCRIBBLES & CRUMBS and LEXI BEHRNDT

I feel like Grief is what finally makes us not just accept mortality but look forward to it....so many we miss and love, our hearts just finally decide to take us to a place where it doesn't hurt anymore.

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_ia_b9r6WE

BY FINN ROBINSON - LAST UPDATED ON 7TH NOVEMBER 2023

The sooner you ask yourself these questions, the less time you’ll waste and the faster you’ll start to live more authentically.

1. Am I willing to trade my precious time for money?

Many of us have been raised with the idea that the more money we make, the better.

We’ve been taught that money allows us to live a more fulfilling lifestyle because it allows us to buy more, bigger, or better things.

Furthermore, there’s the idea that idle hands make mischief, or that unless we’re constantly doing something productive (e.g. making money), then we’re somehow wasting time.

When you think about your living expenses, would you say that you have them covered with enough to spare each month?

If so, you could likely ease up on your work output to focus on things you actually want to do, rather than work obligations.

What would you do with extra free time?

Would you be creative with different art forms? Read more books? Spend more time with your loved ones?

Ask yourself this: what would serve you better? Spending all your time working, or paying others to work for you so you have time to spend the way you want to?

2. Am I living a life that aligns with my values and beliefs?

If you ever get a strong feeling in the pit of your stomach that you’re saying or doing things that aren’t authentically you, it may be a sign that you’re out of sync with who you truly are.

This is a perfect opportunity to reacquaint yourself with your true values and beliefs.

This can be frustrating if you don’t know how to go about realigning yourself. For instance, you may have no solid idea as to who you really are, let alone who you want to be or where you want to go.

This is where soul-searching introspection comes into play.

Start by asking yourself what your values and beliefs are, thereby looking for and exploring that which truly resonates with you.

Just make sure that you’re answering sincerely rather than going for the easiest or loudest option.

Additionally, be wary about asking others their opinions. You may end up having to deal with those who actively try to push you into a particular ideology and then get hostile if you decline to take part.

3. What are my biggest fears and how are they holding me back?

What do you feel are your biggest fears in life?

Are you afraid of rejection? Failure? Death?

Many people find themselves paralyzed by various fears, which in turn hold them back from experiencing some truly amazing things in life.

Consider enormous, powerful elephants who won’t try to escape their uncomfortable enclosure because it’s corded off by a simple, flimsy string. That string tells them that they aren’t allowed to cross that threshold, even though they could attain their freedom with the slightest push against it.

The flimsy string is like your fear.

The fears that paralyze most people seem insurmountable at first, but if you can gather up enough courage to get closer and confront these issues directly, you’ll find they’re nowhere near as scary as they first seemed.

They’re just wispy little strings that you can push through with minimal effort, into the freedom and joy offered beyond.

4. Am I living in the present moment or constantly worrying about the future or dwelling on the past?

Have you ever gotten physically hurt before? I have, and it was awful. In fact, I have pretty intense scars on my body from injuries that I sustained in horrific ways.

The thing is, those injuries happened a long time ago. I’m not bleeding from them anymore, so there’s no point in going on about the pain they caused. The hurt is gone, and all that’s left is the pale memory of the experience.

Similarly, considering how often I work with sharp implements and power tools, I will undoubtedly get hurt again in the future. But I’m not hurt yet, so there’s no point in putting bandages and casts on skin that isn’t torn or bones that aren’t broken.

When you place all your attention on either past events or those that haven’t happened yet, you’re not living your life right here and now.

You’re essentially forfeiting the gift that every moment brings, wasting it on old memories or potentially unfounded future happenings.

Think of it this way: you’ll get no nourishment from the memory of past meals or the hope of future ones. You’ll simply gnash your teeth on empty air.

5. What kind of relationships do I have in my life and are they healthy and fulfilling?

Take a look at the relationships you have with other people in your life.

When you think about spending time with them, do you feel happy about the idea of hanging out with them? Or are you bracing yourself for how they’re going to deplete or disrespect you?

Here are some questions to ask about every relationship you have:

Can you honestly say that you trust this person?
Is there a balance of give and take in this relationship?
Do you feel respected and valued by this person?
Is this person worthy of your respect?
Do you feel emotionally safe and supported with this person?
Do they make you a priority in their life, or are you more of an afterthought?
Does the relationship feel like more of a joy than an obligation?

If there are more negative answers than positive ones, then it’s time to reevaluate your relationships.

We can choose how much time we spend with those who drain us. If most of your relationships are unhealthy and unfulfilling, make it a priority to either counterbalance them with partnerships that are more joyful and supportive, or end them for the sake of self-preservation.

6. What kind of person do I want to be and am I actively working toward becoming that person?

When you think about the people you respect and admire most—past and present—do you feel that you bear any resemblance to them?

In simplest terms, are you living a life that’s aligned with the traits you admire in others?

And furthermore, if you were to meet these heroes of yours, would they admire you in turn? Or be disappointed in you?

Take a look in the mirror and ask yourself if you like what you see. This goes beyond physical traits, especially those that you’ll never be able to change.

Rather, it’s what you see in your eyes and your posture. What is your soul saying to you when you meet your own gaze?

If you aren’t happy with the person you see before you, ask yourself why not.

Are you not living authentically or with purpose? Are you disappointed in your achievements?

If so, are you taking action to rectify this so you can be proud of yourself? Or are you actively choosing to keep disappointing yourself for the sake of comfort and convenience, or due to a fear of potential failure?

7. Am I living a life that brings me joy and fulfillment or am I just going through the motions?

There’s a Sufi hadith (saying) that suggests that individuals “die before they die.”

This refers to the idea of contemplating death frequently, including considering everything that would happen if they were to die unexpectedly.

This is a great way to promote awakening and refocus a person on what’s really important in their life.

If you were to die now, what would you regret not doing?

Are there things you would wish you had said to others while you still had the chance?

Would you have chosen to spend your life in a way that brought you more joy?

When you think about your daily tasks, ask yourself whether you’re feeling joy and fulfillment in what you’re doing, or if you’re phoning it in and going about your tasks like an automaton, willing them to be over with so you can go back to bed and forget existence for a little while.

If you aren’t experiencing joy in your day-to-day life, consider prioritizing it instead of setting it aside as an unattainable luxury.

Focus on the things that you’re passionate about and make them a reality while you still have time to do so.

8. Am I taking responsibility for my own happiness and success or am I relying on others to make me happy?

When you’re having a bad day, do you turn to the people around you to make you feel better? Or do you take the initiative to improve your state of mind?

Similarly, if you’re feeling disappointed or resentful about where you’re at in life, do you blame other people for holding you back or not offering you enough opportunities?

Everyone we encounter is going to have some type of influence on our lives, but on a fundamental level, our happiness and fulfillment are our own responsibility—not anyone else’s.

If you find that you’re constantly relying on other people to make you feel better when you’re down, or to give you opportunities instead of seeking them out for yourself, those are good signs that it’s time to become more self-reliant.

Small children depend on their parents to fulfill these types of needs, but adults need to be autonomous individuals who take measurable action for their own fulfillment.

No person is an island, and we do need one another for a number of different reasons, but you need to learn how to take the wheel and not be a passenger in your own life.

9. Am I living in a way that’s attuned to my life’s purpose?

Are you already familiar with your life’s purpose? If not, that’s okay—as long as you’re still drawing breath, you have time to figure it out.

When you live a life that’s attuned to what you feel is your sacred purpose, you dedicate a specific amount of time and energy to something that you feel is greater than yourself.

Maybe you want to devote whatever time you have left to helping those less fortunate than you are.

Or you want to compose a symphony as your magnum opus, gifting the world with an extraordinary piece of music that will entertain and inspire millions.

Every day is an opportunity to realign yourself with pursuits that are truly important to you.

If you find that you’re trudging through your days meaninglessly and wishing that you had more time to devote to pursuits and causes that actually matter to you, then you should probably sort yourself out in that regard as soon as possible.

Extra reading: 11 Examples Of Life Purpose Statements That You Could Adopt

10. What legacy do I want to leave behind?

Years ago, my partner was working at a glamorous job that she loathed but that paid her well and allowed her the opportunity to travel extensively.

After being asked this question, she took a solid look at her life and determined that everything she was doing was empty and would make no lasting impact on the world after she was gone.

This epiphany caused her to completely shift direction in her career. She went back to school, got certified in permaculture garden design and herbal medicine, and has since spent years teaching others how to grow their own food and heal their own bodies.

When you think about your life and all the things that are important to you, do you feel that you’re leaving behind a legacy that will benefit others?

Are you doing anything of note that you’ll be remembered for? Or leaving valuable resources to your offspring as an inheritance?

If not, think about where you are now and what kind of legacy you’d like to leave.

If you aren’t already taking action to leave something amazing behind after you go, consider changing direction.

This way, you’ll leave your little corner of the world in slightly better shape than how you found it, and perhaps even be remembered fondly for your beneficent actions.

Main character Nora found a life she loved and then the rules changed so she couldn't keep it? and had to go back to her original life. Seemed forced. At least she didn't glom onto the man who had been her 'perfect' husband and father of her 'perfect' child in her other 'perfect' life right away as soon as she got back to her original life.

preachy. telling not showing. kind of hand-wavey at her clinical depression. Like, 'oh, just be nice and find kind people and people to love and you won't have depression anymore. ta-da!' Apparently Matt Haig has written other books that have anti-suicide themes and whatnot, from what I gathered in the author bio on the dust jacket at the back. blah. (people on Reddit agree with me!)

I also finished The Descent of Woman. It was a bit dated but I did like it, overall. It's infuriating how badly patriarchy/colonialism has tainted every fucking thing on this goddamn earth, including science. Anthropology/archaeology/paleontology are only as good as the scientists interpreting the objects and fossils they find....if their brains are stunted by patriarchy then what they find is tainted by it as well. :( grr

On the recommendation of my friend Gary H. (Kaa from tinyTIM), I got an e book bundle 'Twisted Folklore'

I am really enjoying it. Lots of women writers and female perspectives. The first book I read was a bunch of short stories that were based in Asian culture. Very cool. And I like short stories. To go with my attention span. LOL

I had not been reading much for the last couple years so it's nice to get back into that habit.

from a FB discussion on the new Dune 2 movie, of all things.

Ethan Kincaid

I hadn't thought of that. Interesting take!

My thoughts on the stark, austere look of the Harkonnen's was more towards the socio-economic. I associate minimalism with wealth. Only rich people can afford lots of empty space. Let me explain.

Growing up poor, my home and the homes of most of my friends were cluttered, small, and full of cobbled-together solutions to everyday problems. Mismatched storage containers, chairs, and dishes. Inadequate storage in general. Broken items patched and made to serve again. Closets bursting with clothing. All-in-all, storage was a perpetual issue.

Clutter and poverty go hand in hand for a number of reasons. One is that we could not afford good quality. A strategy to cope with this involved buying many different cheap clothing, accessories, and the like in order to spread out the wear and tear of everyday use across multiple items of the same type, making them last longer. Wearing a particular shirt less often causes less damage to it over time. Unfortunately, due to space constraints, storage is a problem.

Another reason for the clutter is retail therapy. Buying a desired item typically causes a release of dopamine. Poor people also experience this feeling of enjoyment and seek it out to give themselves a little boost. Finding a shirt on sale that is still in fashion is a great score on a Saturday afternoon. Of course, while the wealthy may have walk-in closets and spacious wardrobes, the prohibitive cost of large houses and stylish storage solutions means that all those Saturday afternoon sales pile up, literally.

Branching off from the previous issue is sentimental attachment. When we were poor, obtaining items that we wanted was much, much harder. We had to work harder and save for longer to get that new game system or a decent pair of boots. Any unforeseen expense was a setback and we had to wait longer, sometimes to the point where the thing we wanted was not in stock anymore by the time we had the money to purchase it. We could mitigate this problem by buying on credit or using a layaway program but this really only resulted in us being shackled to the items we bought until they could be paid off, usually at a greater expense than it would have been if we could have purchased it outright from the beginning. Consider holding fees and interest payments.

Poor people often have a much greater attachment to their belongings than rich people because it is much harder for a poor person to replace those items. It is no surprise that throwing away old items is a contentious issue. Tossing an item in the trash after working and saving for months or even years to obtain it comes with a kind of emotional discomfort that leads to hording. Asking a child from a family hovering around the poverty line to part with an old toy, even if it is broken, is like pulling teeth. So the items remain even when there is no space for them.

Lastly, getting rid of old items can be a problem for poor people. Consider the expense of hauling away large objects like furniture and car parts. When purchasing everyday necessities is difficult, spending money on literal garbage with nothing to show for it in the end seems like terrible waste to a struggling family. If it can't be tossed in the conventional trash and placed on the curbside for pickup, it often doesn't get thrown out. Dilapidated couches migrate from living room to garage to front porch or back deck. The rusted barbeque is pushed to the back of the shed behind the new one. It will be dealt with later. Maybe. Eventually.

The Harkonnens don't have clutter. They have singular items of surpassing quality and expense in the exact place they want them, unobstructed by anything else, and cleaned by servants who do not have other day jobs taking up all their time. If something is broken or unwanted, it is whisked away and disposed of without a second thought. It was obtained at a whim and is gone just as easily to be replaced by the next interesting thing.

Entire estates can be dedicated to storage, never mind closet space. Everything has a place specifically designed for it. The necessities of operating the House are sensibly and conveniently located for maximum efficiency and convenience. There are no empty margarine containers repurposed for accessories and small items.

The robe that the Baron wore last month? If he even still has it, he absolutely does not remember where he bought it or how much it cost. He cannot recommend you a good deal on where to get one or something similar to it that is less expensive. Does Baron Harkonnen have any sentimental objects left from his childhood or perhaps his first love? Movie ticket stubs in his old jacket that he keeps for the memories? Unlikely.

The Baron has none of the problems I mentioned above and probably wouldn't comprehend any of them. As many inconsiderate affluent people do, he likely looks over ghettos and simply thinks of them as trashy simply because "trash begets more trash." That is, if he ever has to see poverty at all. What he wants appears and what he does not want disappears at the snap of the fingers.

And he is left with a lovely, minimalist space upon which nothing extraneous intrudes. Perhaps you know some people like that.

My sister H. suggested we read this and talk about it. The first few chapters were....depressing as hell. Relatable but terrible. I dont' really want to read it anymore, but we talked about it and we'll read a hundred more pages and see how it goes

It gave us a jumping off point for talking death, darkness, trauma, about our own family members and friends who have committed suicide and what we think about the ethics(?) of it. So that's cool. I'm not good at talking about any of that stuff in person/rl. Sometimes I write about it,w hen I remember about it. But mostly I just don't think about any of it and I change the topic if it comes up in conversation, often not even realizing I've gone off into a tangent unrelated 'making things lighter' trying to cheer people up/be a clown/bla bla unrelated blather mode. I'm sure it's frustrating for anyone who wants to talk real stuff with me. I also dissociate during disagreements/arguments with my spouse, sometimes also in other moments. I get myself through it and then I can barely remember what I said or did during the bad time. Oh hey I lost years of my life during my time with my ex thanks to that. And I'm still doing it a whooooole lot. But anyway. yeah. back to the story we are reading.

The book's protagonist seems to be a person in their maybe late 20s ish who decides that their life is pointless and time to take pills and drink and not exist anymore. I read the first chapters and honestly didn't remember enough of them to talk with my sister H about them. I had to re read and make notes for myself. Because hey trauma suicide trigger warning bla bla!!!!

I can certainly relate to wanting to be dead. I certainly have felt at times in the past that my entire life was nothing but a series of stupid decisions, mistakes, failures, yadda. And I've been so angry over some things that are out of my control and so frustrating and infuriating that I literally wanted to rage quit the planet because FUCK ALLLLLLLLLL Y'ALL. (genocide, murder of trans people, politics, greed, corruption, inflation, wage stagnation, greedy bilionaires, corporate bullshittery, global warming and how everyone in any position to do anything real about any of this shit just... fucking... DOESNT..... just all the rampant evil bullshit of this fucking planet that is grinding normal people into paste)But, shit, I'm 53, turning 54 this year, I'll be gone soon enough at this point, there's no need to rush anything. Hopefully by the time I'm ready to check out, I'll have everything squared away and won't leave too much of a mess. Right now I'm still too much of a mess. And not really ready. I'd hate to be like my mom and try and fail. twice now. once when she was a teenager and once..like, end of 2022, beginning of 2023 ish? anyhoo.....and now she 's got dementia/aphasia and can't make decisions like that for herself anymore.

so...yeah, this book sucks and I do not recommend if you have trauma and feelings and stuff around suicide. Nor if you were one of those gifted kids who has definitely not lived up to their 'potential' whatever the fuck that was

The original URL seems to be gone. it ays something like "parked free at Godaddy" but I didn't want this wisdom to be lost, so I found it in the wayback machine and cut and pasted it here.

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If I can’t accept you at your worst, then maybe you should stop being so horrible

Matt Walsh/ 536 Comments

image: http://mattwalshblog.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/untitled-7.png

I remember the first time I was awarded the “game ball” in my Little League. I don’t recall the details exactly, but I’m pretty sure my stat sheet looked something like this:

Zero RBIs, zero home runs, zero hits, zero stolen bases, zero plays made on the field, seven errors, four innings spent sitting on the bench.

Most of my team probably performed similarly, but I know we put a few runs on the board, so SOMEONE must have done something notable.

Alas, that kid — whoever he was — got jobbed this tragic afternoon. They gave the game ball to me. You can only imagine how I felt.

That is, confused.

We capped off the season with a trophy ceremony in the local middle school auditorium. One by one, they called every team up to receive their participation awards. You played a game for a few weeks and achieved no amount of success at all! Congratulations on your mediocrity, kid! It was a plastic gold-colored figurine of a guy hitting a baseball. Ironic, really, considering I hadn’t actually made contact with a ball all season.

I still have my pity-trophy, it’s right up there on my pity-mantle, next to my pity-game ball and the mandatory Valentine’s cards I only received because elementary school rules required every child to give one to every other child.

When visitors come by, I show it to them and proudly say, “Look at all of the mandatory recognition showered upon me as a matter of routine policy!”

Then my guests will often cringe and weep, and the evening ends early and uncomfortably.

See, I think all of this nonsense — this “everybody is special, everybody gets to have a trophy, everybody gets a card, everybody gets recognition” idiocy — can produce only two possible results, neither desirable. One, it can make perceptive, self-aware children even more embarrassed and insecure. They know that they are undeserving of these accolades, and they’d rather not be patronized.

If a severely impoverished child wore a burlap sack to school, he would be utterly humiliated if his teacher, with all good intentions, decided to award him the honor of “best dressed.” That’s how many kids feel when their mediocrity is put on a pedestal and treated like it’s something exceptional. They aren’t fooled, as much as they’d like to be.

Then there’s category 2. These kids, perhaps not equipped with the same critical thinking capacities as the first type, will eventually buy into the hype. They will look at those trophies and gold stars, unearned and undeserved, and begin to develop an inflated image of themselves. What is born from this is not confidence, but narcissism and arrogance. These are the kids in possession of the much-heralded “self-esteem.” Indeed, they hold themselves in high esteem. Why? Because they are themselves. They are spectacular, beautiful, athletic, and brilliant, all by their very nature. Whatever they do is the best thing anyone has ever done, simply because it was done by them. Whoever comes in contact with them ought to be grateful for the privilege. Success and happiness is what they are due, and the entire universe is in their debt. They are the people who expect the Lord to descend from heaven and hand them a game ball and a participation trophy every day.

I’m sure you’ve met this type. Maybe you’ve voted for this type. Maybe you work with, or under, this type. Maybe, God help you, they are in your family. Maybe you’ve been in a relationship with them.

In fact, it seems statistically likely that you have been in a relationship with them. The divorce rate speaks for itself. Beyond that, although there aren’t any statistics (as far as I’m aware) for non-married break ups, it appears obvious that we are experiencing a crisis of failed relationships at every level and in every form. People don’t know how to be in relationships anymore, and I think this epidemic can be traced, at least in part, to the delusions of grandeur we instill in our little snowflakes from an early age.

Shielded from failure, insulated from criticism, covered in emotional bubble wrap, our kids are venturing out into the world with little discipline and even less humility. You can see this manifest in many arenas, but I think it’s most pronounced in the way we approach relationships.

Here’s one example. It’s minor, probably insignificant, but it represents something quite serious. I was perusing my Facebook Newsfeed today and I came across a status that said this:

“Yea I’m a b*tch but deal with it. I wont be with anyone who cant accept all of who I am!!!”

This was a grown woman. Apparently college educated. Older than me.

It reminded me of a meme we’ve all seen a thousand times. It has a few variations, but it usually goes something like this:

If you can’t accept me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best.

This is such a popular sentiment that it has its own Facebook fan page with over 150 thousand “likes.”

It shows up all the time on memes and illustrations like this one:

image: http://mattwalshblog.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/untitled-5.png?w=300

Of course, the original quote is from Marilyn Monroe. It’s even more vapid and nauseating when taken in its full context:

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”

Out of all the profundities ever uttered, what does it say about our society that THIS is the quote we’ve decided to take to heart?

It says that we need to read more books.

Also, it says that we are horrible at relationships.

Yes, it’s true that, in a marriage, we must love our spouses in spite of their flaws. It’s also true that we all have flaws. But it’s ALSO true that only an infantile, spoiled, egotistical brat would ever treat a loved one with “her worst” and expect them to deal with it because her “best” will somehow compensate for it.

Newsflash: It’s not OK to be selfish, impatient, and out of control. These traits, while common, are UNacceptable. They should not be accepted, least of all by the people you claim to love. The onus is on YOU to change your behavior and your attitude, not on them to “handle it.” Are you such a gem that they should thank God for the opportunity to be emotionally abused by you, if only it earns them a chance to bask in the glow of your superiority?

Perhaps that’s how you see it, but I’ve never met anyone quite that charming.

This philosophy is poison, and it stretches beyond one offensive quote from a 20th century Playboy Bunny. Often I read or hear people whine that they ‘just want to find someone who will accept them, no matter what.’ But being “accepted” should not be our relationship goal. Healthy relationships are loving, but also challenging, edifying, and even occasionally painful.

Accept. Definition: to receive with approval or favor, to agree or consent to.

Should our selfishness, impatience, and weakness preclude us from being loved? No. But should these traits be “accepted”? Should they be “received with approval or favor”? Should our loved ones “consent” to them?

No.

Big no.

Enormous, loud, screaming no.

Should we scoff at our husbands or wives or boyfriends or girlfriends and flippantly tell them to “handle it,” as we behave in ways that will hurt and offend them?

No. And if you think that — if you REALLY think that — then you shouldn’t be getting into relationships at all. You aren’t ready.

Further, does our “best” (which probably isn’t as great as we imagine it to be) make up for, or negate, our “worst”?

No. Your worst is your worst. Fix it. Be better. Nobody should have to put up with it. Least of all the people you love.

Love is a transformative force, and if you want to experience it you better be ready to change in every way imaginable. My wife does not “accept me”, and thank God for that. She challenges me. She makes me better. In other words, she loves me.

What kind of a pathetic and dreary goal is that, anyway — just wanting to be “accepted”, tolerated, put up with? That’s not why we’re put on this planet. Life is not about gaining “acceptance.” Life is change. It is not static and stagnant, do you really want your relationships to be?

We don’t emerge into the world as eternally entitled princes and princesses. We come into it as naked, crying, helpless babies. Our job is to grow out of that condition. And that will take a lot of changing and a lot of learning about what parts of us are unsuitable and insufficient and unacceptable. Sadly, some of us are unwilling to endure that process, so we never grow, and in failing to grow we fail to live. It’s a tragedy.

Don’t ask anyone to “accept” the bad parts of you. Instead, strive to improve those parts. Put in the effort. Make yourself worthy of the love they’ve offered you.

Forget what you learned in elementary school. The only “participation trophy” you’re awarded from life is death. That’s the one thing we all get just for showing up. In the meantime, if you want something better, you have to earn it.

That means if you want better relationships, you have to earn them, too.

Read more at http://themattwalshblog.com/2014/01/23/if-i-cant-accept-you-at-your-worst-then-maybe-you-should-stop-being-so-horrible/#2xhs1yMTlsA5Rucr.99

One was a thing about how a recent event (freezerburn? I think?) didn't have enough volunteers and some members of the group apparently feeling it was appropriate to shame members for not volunteering as a way to encourage volunteerism next event. (Yeah, no.)

2nd was a meme about the way a person is treated when they arrive late for church (judgy looks, mean faces, glaring) as opposed to arriving late for an AA meeting. {first of all, they are both cults and I'd want nothing to do with either of them} But next, I thought about what it means to be treated that way when making an effort--the churchy people should reward the behavior they want to see repeated. If you want a person to attend and join your cult, you have to reward them for showing up, whenever and however it happens. Not with judgement, scolding, reprimand, shame, or sarcasm. Next, I thought about what it means to arrive somewhere late and have many eyes on you all at once. People may be looking at you because you're causing a disruption and being obtrusive, or maybe it's just because they heard the door open and you arrived during a quiet time. It's best not to 'read in' to people as they look at you. Casting shame upon yourself before or instead of being shamed by the group. Ick. 4 Agreements time: don't make assumptions. When or if the people scold you about being late rather than thank you for attending, THEN make that judgement and decide if they are the rude assholes, or if you were the one being the rude asshole. If you want to be there, BE THERE. If there is something you need from that place, take the peace and the holy words and the beautiful music (or whatever) and leave the rest. and when or if people are overtly rude to you, that is about THEM and their limitations as human beings, and has nothing to do with who you are or what your presence is worth.

If I had to alter one thing about myself, it would be this: I would arrive everywhere - late or early, over or underdressed, with or without an explicit invitation, to a room full of strangers or a room full of friends, to a palace or a dive bar, in the same way a cat walks into a room: Here I am, standing in my integrity, standing in the fullness and confidence of every paw and whisker exactly as it is.

I belong here because I have arrived here.

[to be entirely fair, I think these things can also manifest in families with generational trauma, mental illness, alcoholism, abuse, etc. I believe that NPD can arise as an organic brain deficiency or as a result of childhood abuse/neglect. ie: I believe it can be a response to generational trauma or a spontaneous birth defect]

23 Things Only People Who Were Raised By Narcissistic Parents Will Understand

By Shahida Arabi

Updated August 6, 2023

Maria Orlova

Your life doesn’t stop being traumatic once you turn eighteen. It continues as a cycle of trauma reenactment. You may wonder why you become easily entrapped in toxic relationships with people who resemble your parents or exploitative friendships that seem to reenact your childhood adversity. This is because adult children of narcissists tend to become subconsciously drawn to dangerous people as a result of their upbringing. Their bodies and minds are accustomed to chaos and even biochemically “addicted” to it due to these early traumas. You are still working through ancient programming and beliefs.

Your independence is vital for your own safety and well-being. So is your alone time. Being hyper-independent and alone most of the time may seem like a lonesome burden to people who weren’t raised by a toxic parent. But for you, it’s absolute bliss. Being alone means you finally get to choose who gets to be in your life and who has the ability to affect your emotions on a daily basis – a choice you never got to make as a child when you were constantly bombarded with the problems of the adults who were supposed to take care of you. As an adult, you find yourself savoring your alone time as you give your nervous system the time and space it always needed to heal.

You were an adult before you ever got to be a child – and now, you sometimes still feel like a child in an adult’s body. You may have grown up being told that you were very “mature” for your age. People often comment on how you seem to have wisdom beyond your years. Yet as an adult you find yourself still feeling like a child at times. That’s because as a kid, you were simultaneously infantilized and parentified. Narcissistic parents demean their children into feeling like they can’t venture out into the world on their own without their help to keep them dependent on them; on the other hand, they also shoulder their children with the burden of being parents to their parents.

This parentification trains young children to manage the emotions of their parents while also failing to meet their basic developmental needs. As an adult, you’re a natural caretaker. You “picked up” after the adults in your life, tending to their issues at a young age, ensuring they were taken care of. In adulthood, you may repeat this pattern and be prone to codependency in relationships, becoming overly empathic to toxic people who drain your energy. You grapple with the unmet needs of childhood as you learn to set healthier boundaries and reparent yourself.

You have a deep craving for connection – yet it scares the living daylights out of you. Narcissistic parents tend to become enmeshed with their children, treating them like objects and extensions of themselves. As an adult, becoming too “close” to someone frightens you because that means they have the power to harm you and take over your life. You tend to feel “suffocated” in relationships, even if you have a pattern of jumping from one relationship to another.

You’re afraid to shine so you dim your light to avoid “discovery.” Narcissistic parents train you to shrink with their hypercriticism. While most parents want their children to succeed and be happy, narcissistic parents tend to be pathologically envious and lash out at their children even when they’re doing well. As an adult, you fear retaliation for owning your strengths and gifts. You often shortchange yourself and believe you’re unworthy or undeserving even if you’re overqualified. Even when life is going extremely well, you hold a lingering fear of having “too much” success and happiness, having to constantly remind yourself that you are enough in order to battle your early conditioning. Giving yourself permission to enjoy yourself and the positive aspects of your life without developing a hyperfocus on even the most miniscule negative details can feel like a daunting task.

You live in a world of extremes when it comes to emotions. There’s very little grey area when an adult child of a narcissist starts their healing journey. They may be overwhelmed and terrified by their intense rage or sadness. As a child, you were usually punished for having emotions at all and emotionally invalidated. You could have a harder time validating and identifying your own emotions as an adult and may have learned to suppress these emotions to cope.

You gravitate toward narcissists, and they gravitate towards you. Dangerous people and situations ironically feel more like “home” than safe ones and you find yourself always waiting for the other shoe to drop. You find yourself easily entangled in relationships or friendships with narcissists in adulthood – and paradoxically, this can initially feel “safer” than a healthy relationship which is not in line with your sense of “normal.” You don’t trust what seems “too good to be true” or what’s easily handed to you, because you had to work hard for everything you have now and even had to endure punishment or nitpicking when you achieved amazing things as a child. Instead, you find yourself waiting for the “catch” (even when there is none) when it comes to happy and safe relationships, accomplishments, or situations. Your subconscious mind operates on the philosophy that, “It’s better the devil you know than the one you don’t.”

You “thrive” in fantasy relationships. For adult children of narcissists, the safest relationship is the one that doesn’t actually exist or ones with emotionally unavailable people. That’s because you do not fear getting hurt because you know the relationship can’t truly come into fruition. This can lead to you becoming easily infatuated or developing limerence toward people you know deep down can’t make you happy – but they certainly provide you with the hope of happiness, without all the fuss – at first. While these trysts may seem harmless at first, these relationships still end up harming you because you end up investing in a future with someone you know is ultimately not compatible with you.

You’re extremely resourceful – because you had to be. When it comes to confronting life’s obstacles, you’re a talented MacGyver at inventing creative solutions – you can essentially turn anything into gold. That’s because you had to transform all the crises of your childhood into opportunities for survival. This can be an adaptive trauma response that guides you through life’s adversity in adulthood.

You have a hard time saying no – and apologize constantly even when it’s unnecessary. Disobeying your narcissistic parents was always met with brutality. As a result, you may have a hard time setting boundaries and turn to people-pleasing or fawning as self-protection.

You have more of an addictive personality than most. Early childhood trauma can leave you with a compulsion for relief and distraction. In some cases, it can even make you highly sensation-seeking, reckless, impulsive – always searching for the next adrenaline rush of excitement to counter your emotional numbness. That means you may feel addicted to certain self-sabotaging behaviors, self-harm or even turn to substance use to take you away from the trauma that you’ve experienced.

You’re prone to perfectionism and over-achieving. Having narcissistic parents means always trying to keep up with constantly moving goal posts and extraordinarily high expectations. Narcissists can live vicariously through their children, demanding that they fulfill the dreams and goals these parents didn’t (or did – and they must carry on their legacy). Some adult children of narcissists can become overachievers to try to gain the approval of their parents and to meet their expectations of them. Others might be conditioned toward rigid perfectionism because it gives them a source of control and validation they did not have in childhood. So long as you’re “perfect,” you are deemed lovable – at least, that’s what a narcissistic parent taught you to believe.

You’re hypervigilant – to everything. At the same time, you’d make a great FBI agent or detective. You may feel like you’re always on alert for what’s around the corner. That’s because your childhood trained you to pick up on subtle signs that chaos was about to ensue – the sound of your father’s footsteps may have clued you in as to when he was about to rage, or the shrill shriek of your sibling may have alerted you to abuse going on in the next room. You are especially adept at reading microexpressions, shifts in tone, gestures, and nonverbal cues. This hyper-attunement to danger can serve as a superpower that helps you identify red flags and toxic people – but it can also be exhausting to be so attentive to everything at all times.

You dissociate more often than you’d like. If you have unprocessed trauma, it’s likely that you dissociate more than the average person. That’s because ongoing complex trauma has trained your brain to escape from reality as a survival mechanism. You may also find yourself turning to activities that enhance that dissociation. Whether it’s binge-watching television, losing yourself for days in books, or feeling like you’ve lost time and memories altogether, you feel detached from yourself or your surroundings.

You vacillate between oversharing and being terrified of being vulnerable. You fear abandonment yet abandon yourself. Adult children of narcissists often search for a rescuer throughout their life – a savior who will finally make them feel seen and heard. In the early stages of their healing journey, this can make them overshare their traumas in an attempt to find someone who can finally “take care” of them in the way they always needed to be taken care of. At the same time, they fear being vulnerable and become easily gun-shy when relationships or friendships get too close. They might depart preemptively from too much intimacy because they fear abandonment or betrayal – a very valid fear considering all of the abandonment and betrayal they experienced in childhood. Yet they also abandon themselves and deprive themselves of nourishment and self-care.

You have a fragmented sense of identity. Trauma creates fragments – creating a split among memories, emotions, thoughts, and sensations. This sense of confusion can erode your sense of self. Being the child of a narcissist means also meant you were never given full reign over your own preferences, opinions, or beliefs. You had to internalize the belief systems, likes, dislikes, and attitudes of your parent and pretend to think the way they do in order to avoid reprimand. You were not given the freedom to be yourself or grow into who you authentically were. As an adult, your journey is about rediscovering who you are organically – not who you were expected to be.

You have a need to control your environment. Adult children of narcissists are extremely micromanaged and controlled by their parents. They were never given the agency to make their own decisions freely without a price. As a result, they may fear losing control as adults. They may try to micromanage their relationships or control their circumstances to assuage these fears.

You trust very few people. As a child, your privacy was often invaded by the narcissistic parent in ways no child should have to endure. You were likely under constant surveillance. You learned how to lie and hide many aspects of your life to protect yourself from their abuse. Now as an adult, you still keep your secrets close and your circle tight. For you, it’s the only way to “survive” and not risk someone using your personal information against you.

You have a hard time asking for help. You rely heavily on self-soothing because you had to be a parent at a young age – to yourself. You essentially raised yourself (and any younger siblings) because one or more of your parents lacked the emotional equipment to do so. This means you had to soothe yourself after witnessing rage attacks, endured the pain of watching how deflated your emotionally abused parent became, and experienced some of the verbal and emotional abuse yourself when you were the target of attack. As an adult, this means you’re less likely to ask for help even during the worst moments of your life because you learned that you had to do everything yourself.

You have an interesting relationship with parenthood. Some adult children of narcissists fast-forward into marriage and parenthood, considered the traditional “milestones” of adulthood because they want to make up for the mistakes of their parents and experience the healthy, functional family they never experienced. Others opt out or delay parenthood altogether because they fear passing down generational trauma or feel like they’ve already done enough “parenting” by taking on adult responsibilities in childhood.

When any incident or crisis with your family happens now, it’s triple the trauma because of all the childhood wounding. For most people, any family crisis is itself a trauma all on its own. For adult children of narcissists, it’s double the wounding with triple the power. Any argument, conflict, or incident that occurs now holds within it the power to bring back the memories of the past, essentially “regressing” you back to your childhood fears and stressors – especially if there’s a crisis that demands that there be some kind of family reunion. It not only adds salt to the wound, it creates a whole new psychological injury. Outsiders may wonder why as a family you can’t just “work things out” – but they have no idea the terrors you have survived and the despair involved in having to revisit what you’ve escaped.

You’ve always wanted to have a “normal life.” One of your deepest desires was to feel normal and to have a “normal” childhood and life. But because of your upbringing, you may feel separate and different from others, especially those who had supportive parents. It’s worth mentioning that many adult children of narcissists can and do channel their trauma into success and joy and can end up living extraordinary lives – better than any type of “normal” they could have ever dreamed. Yet it’s still worth validating the sacrifices they were forced to make to get there.

Contact with toxic family members can re-open even wounds you thought you’d already healed. Speaking of regression, adult children of narcissists who maintain contact with their narcissistic parent can face additional anxiety on their healing journey. That’s because any criticism from the narcissistic parent or witnessing further abuse by the toxic parent toward the victimized parent can cause re-traumatization like no other. These “emotional flashbacks” hold a power beyond their years to make you feel like you’re reliving the worst moments of your life and like you’ll never escape. Low contact or no contact depending on your circumstances are often needed for true healing.

Shahida Arabi

Shahida is the author of Power: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse and the poetry book She Who Destroys the Light.

Keep up with Shahida on Instagram, Twitter, Amazon and selfcarehaven.wordpress.com

This is a convoluted and complicated poem; it speaks to me of codependency and of the borderline/narcissist/cluster B personality disorder 'idealize/devalue/discard' cycle. The tendency to go from one 'perfect' friend/lover/job/friends group to the next to the next to the next, leaving destruction in ones wake. Rather than deepen the connection, allow vulnerability and hurt and healing, cut and run as soon as things start to be real and hurt, blaming all the feelings that come up on the 'other, and on to the next 'perfect' one'. True intimacy involves both a commitment to be as safe as possible for the other, but also opening your heart to the inevitable bumps and bruises and misunderstandings that come when you let a person into your heart and trust them with even the worst parts of yourself. You want to be their safe place, they should want to be your safe place too.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CwZ_GpDu5nr/

I came across this article today. I have thoughts. It makes good points regarding narcissistic abuse, and regarding abusers who use their 'polyamorous' nature to excuse abuse, infidelity, and horrifying double standards, but there's still kind of a 'mono centric' undertone here that I don't care for. I would like to see a similar article written from the point of view of someone who actually believes and practices ethical non monogamy, as opposed to an anti-narcissist crusader applying the lens of narcissistic abuse to a subculture they obviously don't understand.

Text of article. Points i agree with 100% are in bold
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Wondering how to deal with a “polyamorous” narcissist?

You are not alone.

Many online blogs and support groups for victims of narcissists have sprouted up over the years, as people have realized the damage a narcissist has done in their lives.

But, there isn’t enough material out there to keep up with the narcissist’s ever-evolving attempts to justify their many relationship crimes, the main one being infidelity.

Narcissists are generally unfaithful. While there are plenty of resources for victims of narcissists stating that narcissists are always cheaters and conduct their multiple sexual relationships in secret, what should you do when your narcissistic partner claims that they are into polyamory?

If you’re not sure what it is, polyamory means “multiple loves”. It is the notion that a person can have multiple emotionally and/ or sexually intimate relationships at one time and do so honorably, happily, and safely.

Unfortunately, when narcissists are involved in polyamorous relationships, it simply means that more people can be relationally harmed — and often be harmed even more deeply than in a monogamous situation.

Let me begin by saying that this article is not to imply that polyamory is a bad thing for those folks who follow the spoken (and unspoken) rules of engagement. Negotiating boundaries and safety is considered sexy and sometimes even foreplay for those who practice polyamory in an ethical and respectful way

But polyamory isn’t for everyone, especially not those who are seeking long-term relationships with a single partner.

While your first inclination might be to join the narcissist’s love tribe to avoid losing him or her, you may want to think hard and deep about what you could be getting yourself into. Because, truth be told, most narcissists who claim to be polyamorous are simply using it as an excuse to keep an ongoing string of lovers at their beck and call.

And if you’ve caught your partner cheating and you suspect they’re a narcissist, the last thing you want to do is join their harem.

So how do you handle yourself when your cheating partner “confesses” they are into polyamory? This is one of those times you’ll need to tame the compassionate part of your personality and examine your relationship with wide-eyed cynicism.

Five Epic Reasons to Stay Far Away from the “Polyamorous” Narcissist

Before committing yourself to a lifestyle choice that has the potential to harm you exponentially, let’s examine five reasons why refusing to be part of a love circle with a so-called polyamorous narcissist is a smart move.

1 – You will never come first

Most people who grapple to find balance in a relationship with a narcissist struggle, profoundly, due to the infidelities they uncover.

People with narcissistic traits are drawn to polyamory mainly because they believe it relieves them of true intimacy and commitment, while providing them with copious amounts of attention. They use numerous relationships and drama to avoid the expectations of a monogamous relationship, and eventually cause harm and emotional damage to those who get close to them.

However, it’s often the case that the self-proclaimed “polyamorous” narcissist will make up their own rules and reserve the right to multiple partners for themselves only. They will expect you to (one-sidedly) honor your commitment to the lifestyle while you wait around for them to choose you. This is a top-level red flag that they aren’t a true polyamorist.

2 – They want the ego trip, not the relationship

True polyamorists invest a large amount of time to ensure everyone they’re involved with feels heard, cared for, and emotionally safe. If a true polyamorist determines that someone feels hurt by the arrangement, they typically find a gentle, caring way to end the relationship to avoid further harm to that person.

Narcissists, on the other hand, genuinely couldn’t care less about who feels hurt as long as it’s not them. They are not willing to make compromises unless they are on the receiving end.

Narcissistic individuals will often expect you to go along with the whole idea of their having as many partners as they want, but if YOU dare to take on another relationship, then all hell breaks loose. They’ll accuse you of exacting revenge or doing it to “make them pay”.

Remember, one person does not get to make all the rules in healthy relationships, regardless of the sexual tone of it. If you are being made to feel wrong or difficult, then you are dealing with a greedy narcissist who wants to play the field, not a true polyamorist.

3 – Beware the self-proclaimed “Spiritual Polyamorist” who wants a ‘Sister Wives’ situation

This plays into #2. Obviously, this applies to the male “polyamorous” narcissist.

Curiously, there still exists a large demographic of narcissistic men who truly believe they are entitled to have as many women as they want because it’s their so-called “God-given right”.

These men infiltrate and hide out in polyamorous circles. They approach vulnerable polyamorist newbies and begin grooming them for participation in their polygamous objectives. Once you’re in their grip, they’ll start quoting old scripture and brainwashing you to believe this is how things are supposed to be. You know, the whole “going back to the basics” thing.

Unless you want to be another woman’s sister and co-wife, you don’t mind your man sleeping with other women under your nose, and are willing to accept being hurt to have another person’s needs met…it’s best to remove yourself from the situation.

4 – Prepare for triangulation on steroids

If you’re intimately involved with a narcissist and have uncovered evidence of their secret affairs, the last thing you want to do is agree to a polyamorous relationship.

The reason for this is you’ll ALWAYS be wondering about the narcissist’s ex or other partners whom they may be involved with at any given time…and wondering why the narcissist hasn’t chosen to be with you.

In many cases, the new partner will be worried about you and you’ll be worried about the new partner. Why? Because narcissists are cheating slimeballs, and you and the new partner have every right to be concerned. And no, that doesn’t make you crazy, as the narcissist loves to suggest.

It’s not enough that most Narcissists are porn addicts and are constantly busted for surfing online dating sites, but they keep their partners perpetually enmeshed in a crazy love triangle, often promising both that they’re on the verge of leaving the other.

True polyamorists don’t play these kinds of games. There’s no triangulation or pitting one partner against the other. No one is made to feel less-than. However, the reality is that, ultimately, people who engage in polyamory must always choose who to be with and who comes first. Is that something you want to ponder every day of your relationship?

On the other hand, if you’re being mocked because you feel uncomfortable and insecure or you’re being told how the narcissist and the other partner(s) don’t believe you’re ‘polyamory material’, that’s pure narcissistic manipulation. And sadly, this kind of triangulation gives the narcissist a euphoric high – at your expense.

5 – The “polyamorous” narcissist will not honor basic agreements

If you agree to a polyamorous relationship with a narcissist, you will eventually learn that your needs don’t matter. You’ll go into the arrangement expecting at least some level of compassion and consideration from your partner, only to realize you’ve been fooled.

Not much different from a monogamous relationship with a narcissist, really.

But, with a so-called polyamorous narcissist, basic needs and expectations will not be met…and can even put your health in danger.

They’ll have unprotected sex with their other partners, putting you at risk of contracting STDs
They’ll constantly bail out on plans you’ve made together, often without warning and mere minutes before your plans are supposed to transpire
They’ll expect you to go along with their rules, but should you bring someone else into your life, things will get rocky fast
Or, they may agree to your taking on another partner, only to fabricate a debilitating ‘devalue and discard’ later on

A dysfunctional relationship or marriage is bad for one’s health. People are often more willing to leave a bad job than they are willing to leave a bad relationship.

Toxic relationships stress the immune system, increase inflammation, damage DNA, and accelerate aging. Symptoms include insomnia, adrenal burnout, weight loss or gain, IBS, chronic fatigue, repetitive illnesses, and fatigue, among other things.

You’ll become increasingly needy for basic relationship dynamics — compassion, reassurance, emotional support. Things you don’t want to admit you need from your partner, but the lack of which can reduce even the calmest and most collected person into a train wreck.

If you’re thinking you should stay the course even though your relationship is unfulfilling, remember that life is too short to stay unhappy when there is a way out.

You are not stranded together on an island in an episode of Naked and Afraid; you’re not the last two humans alive; the future of the world doesn’t depend on your staying together.

To what end are you sacrificing your own happiness?

9 Habits of Highly Unlikeable People

Lessons in what not to do.

Karen Nimmo

You know the kinds of people I mean, don’t you?

Loud, obnoxious, fascinated by their own views, pick-a-fight-with-anyone, types. Or the gossipy, back-stabbers that you’re afraid to — er — turn your back on.

The types that you go out of your way to avoid, at work, at networking events, at social gatherings, anywhere. Just hopefully not at home.

Part of you is wondering why you’re reading this. Why would I want to know how to be unlikeable? And it’s not nice, nor fair, to characterise someone that way.

Fair point. But information often sticks harder and for longer when it’s presented backwards. So, if you’re up for it, here’s what not to do.

9 Habits of Highly Unlikeable People

Trying to be likeable is never a good move: it’ll just flag you as a Try Hard. But there are ways of being in the world that are (way) more helpful, and less self-absorbed, than others. None of us is perfect but here are the behaviours to avoid, at least most of the time.

1. They complain a lot.

Not just a little bit, not just about normal stuff — but a lot, about everything. They have a negative way of looking at world and other people. It often means that that, down deep, they don’t think much of themselves either. But it’s hard to empathise with that because their constant complaints just make you tired. Note to self: keep a lid on the negativity.

2. They judge others harshly.

They have strong opinions on what others are doing, deciding and being. Their words show they don’t believe there is space for all sorts of people, and views, in the world. But they don’t realise their judgments are projections. That, in judging others, they are broadcasting their own (often distasteful) core beliefs to the world. So when we critique others we should consider carefully what our words are saying about ourselves.

3. They use statements — not questions.

A likeable person will show genuine interest in others by asking questions. But someone who predominantly uses statements tends to have a rigid, closed thinking style — and can’t see past their own views. They don’t listen. Instead, they wait for a gap in the conversation and when it appears they, lightening quick, dive in with some fascinating stories of their own. Which makes them not all that fun to talk to.

4. They divide to rule.

They’re relationship splitters. So instead of bringing people together and collaborating, they deconstruct other relationships. They’ll play one person off against the other. They’ll feel a particular satisfaction if they can break up a close friendship by inserting themselves in the middle. Splitters are also the people most likely to steal your partner. Be warned.

5. They’re ego-bound.

Their ego jumps in the way of everything. They seek to impress people, by dropping names and achievements; they try to align themselves with others’ successes, to come across as clever/wise. But, in the end, a big ego only makes you popular with yourself. And even that’s a false achievement. The coolest people will do their thing/s without need or demand for recognition and praise; their actions speak loudest.

6. They spread rumours.

They say things about others you know you really shouldn’t be hearing. When you’re standing there listening to them talk about someone else, you’re feeling uneasy because you know they can — and will — do it about you. Walk away: gossiping always comes back to bite you.

7. They can’t empathise.

They struggle to stand in the shoes of others, to see another person’s world view. They may want to empathise — but they can’t. Their history (often harsh, traumatic or neglectful) may have stunted their emotional education. Even as adults, they experience and express emotions like children. This is sad for them but extremely difficult for those who are on the end of it.

8. They goad others.

Some people specialise in winding others up. They always need to take the opposite view. They know how to needle someone, how to tap into another person’s vulnerability. And when that person takes the bait, those who are really skilled, will find a way of blaming them or making them feel guilty. This is a trademark bullying behaviour — so, if you’re up close to it, try not to play their game.

9. They don’t follow through on promises.

I must have you over, we must get together soon, I’ll pass on your details, I’ll get back to you. They lack authenticity: as soon as those words have slipped from their lips, you know they won’t do any of those things. The cool thing about this though (that they’re not aware of ) is that you secretly hope they don’t.

https://medium.com/on-the-couch/9-habits-of-highly-unlikeable-people-bea8342e4bf4

found this poem on the facebooks. It was reposted from a group by a friend...the author wasn't listed and there was a typo which I have fixed. It is a lovely poem. Someday I hope to be someone's dead best friend.

======================

Dead best friend, I

know dreams are your

house parties.

When I am dreaming, I am clumsy. I am

like a teenager stealing

mom’s vodka, getting

wasted for the first time.

You  walk without striding, you

leap from dream to dream

and shadow to shadow.

I  follow, but I haven’t quite

learned to walk without legs,

how to live in the abstraction.

You have tasted the rich, melting

buttery dreams. I have only had dregs

and soured milk; anxious dreams of work

and money.

“Try to keep up,” you say

as you drag me into your

old kitchen.

Everything

is how I remember. Captain Crunch

on the counter.

You open the fridge

And grab a cold piece of pizza.

Your dog, who is also dead,

leaps up on my leg and I scratch him

between the ears.

“Let’s make a deal,” you say,

turning to me.  “I’ll teach you

how to walk through a dream,

if you let me remember what it is

like to walk barefoot in the sand.

I will teach you how to breathe

without breath if you let me take

a deep draw of air.”

I’m about to answer, I’m

about to say

I will, I’d do
anything to trade places
to have you here
sipping coffee
and i wake up

to a siren wailing

outside

"I hope death is like
being carried to your bedroom
when you were a child
& fell asleep on the couch
during a family party.
I hope you can hear the laughter
from the next room"

- lilies abounded

When I die... My body stops functioning. Shut down. All at once, or gradually. My breathing stops, my heart stops beating. Clinical death. And a bit later, like, five whole minutes later... My brain cells start dying. But in the meantime, in between... Maybe my brain releases a flood of DMT. It's the psychedelic drug released when we dream, so... I dream. I dream bigger than I have ever dreamed before, because it's all of it. Just the last dump of DMT all at once. And my neurons are firing and I'm seeing this firework display of memories and imagination. And I'm just... Tripping. I mean, really tripping balls because my mind's riffling through the memories. You know, long and short-term, and the dreams mix with the memories, and... It's a curtain call. The dream to end all dreams. One last great dreams as my mind empties the fuckin' missile silos and then... I stop. My brain activity ceases and there is nothing left of me. No pain. No memory, no awareness that I ever was, no... That I ever hurt someone. That I ever killed someone. Everything is as it was before me. And the electricity disperses from my brain till it's just dead tissue. Meat. Oblivion. And all of the other little things that make me up, they... The microbes and bacterium and billion other little things that live on my eyelashes and in my hair and in my mouth and on my skin and in my gut and everywhere else, they just keep on living. And eating. Uh... And I'm serving a purpose. I'm feeding life. And I'm broken apart, and all the littlest pieces of me are just recycled, and I'm billions of other places. And my atoms are in plants and bugs and animals, and I'm like the stars that are in the sky. There one moment and then just scattered across the goddamn cosmos.

- Erin Greene, Midnight Mass

(I don't watch this show but I read an article that quoted this and it's quite lovely)

https://www.marcandangel.com/2023/02/24/12-lies-to-stop-telling-yourself/?fbclid=IwAR1ZthIYGllb2186a-PcAfJMZgqZ8_risV3rdqE1MLAjJeVZsXMBYNziH1Y

It’s time to STOP telling yourself…

I don’t have enough yet to be happy. – In every mistake and struggle there is a message. Some people miss the message because they’re too busy berating themselves for the mistake, or fretting obsessively over the problem. To be upset about what you don’t have is always a waste of what you do have. The happiest people are rarely the luckiest, and they usually don’t have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes their way. The reason so many people give up is because they tend to look at what’s missing, and how far they still have to go, instead of what’s present, and how far they have come.
My dreams are impossible. – Don’t let someone who gave up on their dreams talk you out of going after yours. The best thing you can do in life is follow your intuition. Take calculated risks. Don’t just make the safe and easy choices because you’re afraid of what might happen. If you do, nothing will ever happen. And if you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. So let your dreams be bigger than your fears and your actions speak louder than your words. Do something every day that your future self will thank you for.
I am stuck with people who hurt me. – Life is too short. Look out for yourself. If someone continuously mistreats you, have enough respect for yourself to create some healthy boundaries. It may hurt for a while, but it’ll be OK. You’ll be OK. Oftentimes walking away has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength. We walk away not because we want others to realize our worth, but because we finally realize our own worth.
My failed relationships were a waste of time. – There are certain people who aren’t meant to fit into your life, but no relationship is ever a waste of time. If it doesn’t bring you what you want, it teaches you what you DON’T want. We rarely lose friends, we just gradually figure out who our real ones are. Never force someone to make a space in their life for you, because if they know your worth, they will surely create one for you. And remember, when you’re up, your ‘friends’ know who you are, when you’re down, you know who your “real friends” are. It usually just takes some time to figure it all out. (Note: Marc and I take a deeper dive into difficult relationships in our book, “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
Things will never get better. – There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s part of living — to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become. When you find yourself cocooned in isolation and cannot find your way out of the darkness, remember that this is similar to the place where caterpillars go to grow their wings. Just because today is a terrible day doesn’t mean tomorrow can’t be the best day of your life. You just got to get there.
Failure is bad. – Sometimes you have to fail a hundred times to succeed. And no matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress, you are still way ahead of everyone who isn’t trying. So don’t get so hung up on one failed attempt that you miss the opening for many more. All of your ideas that don’t work are simply stepping stones on your way to the one idea that does. And remember, failure is not falling down; failure is staying down when you have the choice to get back up. Always get back up! Oftentimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
Great things will come to me with ease. – In various ways, we are who we choose to be. Nobody’s going to come and save you, you’ve got to save yourself. Nobody’s going to give you anything, you’ve got to go out and earn it. Nobody knows what you want except for you. And nobody will be as sorry as you if you don’t achieve it. So never leave your key to happiness in someone else’s pocket, and don’t wait on someone else to build your life for you. Be the architect and keeper of your own path. And remember that the more you take responsibility for your past and present, the more you are able to create the future you seek. (Read Emotional Freedom.)
My past is indicative of my future. – At some point, we’ve all made mistakes, been walked on, been used and forgotten. We’ve let people take advantage of us, and we’ve accepted way less than we deserve. But we shouldn’t regret one moment of it, because in those moments we’ve learned a lot from our bad choices. We’ve learned who we can trust and who we can’t. We’ve learned the meaning of real friendship. We’ve learned how to tell when people are lying and when they’re sincere. We’ve learned how to be ourselves, and appreciate the truly great people and things in our lives as they arrive. And even though there are some things we can never recover and people who will never be sorry, we now know better for next time.
I don’t need to meet anyone new. – It sounds harsh, but you cannot keep every friend you’ve ever made. People and priorities change. As some relationships fade others will grow. Appreciate the possibility of new relationships as you naturally let go of old ones that no longer work. Trust your judgment too. Embrace new relationships, knowing that you are entering into unfamiliar territory. Be ready to learn, be ready for a challenge, and be ready to meet someone that might just change your life forever.
I can’t live without those who are gone. – If someone comes into your life and has a positive impact on you, but for some reason they can’t stay, do your best not to resist this evolution. Be thankful that your paths crossed and that they somehow made you happy, even if it was just for a short while. Life is change. People really do come and go. Some come back, some don’t, and that’s okay. And just because one person leaves, doesn’t mean you should forget about everyone else who’s still standing by your side. Continue to appreciate what you have, and smile about the memories.
I’m not ready because I’m not good enough yet. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first. Stop berating yourself for being a work in progress. Start embracing it! Because being a work in progress doesn’t mean you’re not good enough today; it means you want a better tomorrow, and you wish to love yourself completely, so you can live your life fully. It means you’re determined to heal your heart, expand your mind and cultivate the gifts you know you’re meant to share. You are ready. You just need to start.
I have way too much to lose. – In the end you will not regret the things you have done nearly as much as the things you have left undone. Trust me, after that last conversation I had with my friend as she rested on her deathbed, I can honestly say most of us would rather look back at life and say, “I can’t believe I did that!” instead of, “I wish I would have…” It’s just easier to process a few “Oh wells,” than it is to process a bunch of “what ifs.” It’s easier to have a lifetime full of mistakes that you learned from, rather than a heart full of regrets and empty promises to yourself.

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July 2025

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Projection, telling on yourself, or just meeting every asshole in the world over and over?
(no subject)
reading
Is it true that narcissistic abuse can...
The Narcissistic Woman’s Relationship Manifesto, Part 1
(no subject)
10 Eye-Opening Questions Everyone Should Ask Themselves (Before It’s Too Late)
Finished The Midnight Library last night
Stealing a comment for future consideration
reading The Midnight Library
reposting "If I can’t accept you at your worst, then maybe you should stop being so horrible"
inspired by a friends FB post (s)
annnnnd, that's a 'bingo'
a poem I read today
5 Ways You’ll Feel Destroyed by the “Polyamorous” Narcissist
9 Habits of Highly Unlikeable People
poem
(no subject)
a quote about death from a TV show I don't watch.
12 Little Lies to Stop Telling Yourself

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Conversation

1. Am I willing to trade my precious time for money?

2. Am I living a life that aligns with my values and beliefs?

3. What are my biggest fears and how are they holding me back?

4. Am I living in the present moment or constantly worrying about the future or dwelling on the past?

5. What kind of relationships do I have in my life and are they healthy and fulfilling?

6. What kind of person do I want to be and am I actively working toward becoming that person?

7. Am I living a life that brings me joy and fulfillment or am I just going through the motions?

8. Am I taking responsibility for my own happiness and success or am I relying on others to make me happy?

9. Am I living in a way that’s attuned to my life’s purpose?

10. What legacy do I want to leave behind?

9 Habits of Highly Unlikeable People

Lessons in what not to do.

9 Habits of Highly Unlikeable People

1. They complain a lot.

2. They judge others harshly.

3. They use statements — not questions.

4. They divide to rule.

5. They’re ego-bound.

6. They spread rumours.

7. They can’t empathise.

8. They goad others.

9. They don’t follow through on promises.

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