job hunt continues.

I had an online questionnaire and prerecorded interview for a position with an insurance company near the house, I got that done yesterday. I loathed recording myself. And there was no way to blur the background.

If/when I get a rejection note, I'll be sure to bring up my concerns re: privacy & ask what their storage, retention, and disposal policies are regarding the video interviews they obtain, and let them know that I'm not comfortable with the idea of them keeping or using my material for any reason, especially not for 'training' AI.

if/when I get an in person interview, I will raise the same concerns. perhaps in a more conversational tone.

Seems to me that any company that is in the business of risk management (insurance) needs to think long and hard about things like that, and be more transparent when they are using those kinds of tools to screen applicants.

I am wondering if. in addition to the economy being weird because of El Stinko and his 'tariffs' and continued blundering with international relations, and in addition to all the weird scammers and likely resume-harvesters out there in job-hunt land, the fact that I'm over 50 is factoring in to this long period of unemployment.

I am slogging thru a 7 hr Excel Data Analysis video I found on Youtube. It is helping me. I need to start taking actual written notes in addition to just watching. The class material is in a zip file and winzip is $34/year subscription. Seems excessive for a single use of said zip, but that is the wave of the future--we won't own anything, we'll just be renting apps and software and everything else from a big company.

I went running around in the world today; tried to offload some 'witchy' books, I was hoping the local witch shop would have some kind of free libary/sit and read/lounge type area but I didn't see anything like that. Maybe the Vortex theatre will have something like that? I dunno. And I tried to offload some coloring books I haven't touched in years at the Kava shop, because I seem to remember going there with friends some years ago and coloring and drinking kava and having a nice time, so I was gonna get a kava and sneak my books in to their pile...but then I got there and the kava place is closed for remodeling. Their Oak Hill location is still open though. But I don't feel like making that kind of drive.

Honestly I should just throw those books and coloring books away, or donate them to Goodwill even though part of my brain is going "no, they're too wierd/witchy, no one will adopt them from Goodwill"....I need to lose my attachment to my 'stuff' and not care what happens to it after it leaves my home. It's not making me happy, it's not my responsibility to find it a home where it will be appreciated and loved, it's my job to make my home a place that isn't cluttered with things that dont' make me happy.

sigh. I have fucking brainworms when it comes to 'stuff' and 'clutter' and all that bullshit. throw it away. run away. die.

I just want to be done with everything.

Current Mood: cranky

Reality Check

1. You will not be rewarded for bad behavior.

2. Being told 'No' is part of life. Get over it.

3. You are free to make your choice, you are not free of the consequences.

4. Life is not fair.

5. You are not the boss.

6. The world does not revolve around you.

7. Respect is earned, it is not just given.

8. The world owes you nothing. work for it.

9. Fits and Tantrums will get you nothing. Stop wasting your time.

10. You put yourself here. You need to fix you.
11. Shut your mouth, open your ears.

I read this recently on FB. It seems very unkind, unnecessarily harsh and brutal, to me. I understand folks value 'just tellin it like it is' and 'brutal honesty' and while these things may hold some truth, I think there is a kinder way to approach "reality:

1) Bad behavior is a sign that the one behaving 'badly' is in distress, out of 'cope' or possibly traumatized and triggered. We are all responsible for our own behavior, but perhaps that can encompass recognizing that when another is 'behaving badly' they may be in need of compassion more than judgement, punishment, or 'reward' for that matter. We don't need to coddle people who are bullies or assholes but we can take a breath and respond with better behavior rather than meeting 'bad behavior' with more 'bad behavior'.

2) Being told 'no' is indeed part of life. It's ok to feel disappointed, let down, or even lied to if you were expecting something other than 'no'. It's not OK to throw a fit or be an asshole about it. But again, we can take a breath and respond with compassion to ourselves and others when experiencing disappointment or hurt feelings over hearing 'no'.

3) You are free to make choices. You do get consequences for choices. When introducing consequences to others, there's no need to bully or rebuke or be harsher than necessary in order to make your point.

4) Life is not fair, and that is the fact, Jack. You, however, can strive to be fair in dealing with others and reduce the unfairness of Life within your own sphere of influence. And, honestly, sometimes life's unfairness does come out in your favor rather than against you...that's also true.

5) You are not the boss? You may actually be the boss, if you are a business owner or manager or leader. Or not. Regardless of your station in life, you are the boss of yourself, so remember to set expectations fairly, reward yourself for success, and learn from failures. The place I am working now does not use the term 'failure' ....it uses the word 'opportunities' to define any area in which we've come short of our company goals. I like that and I am going to try and apply it in my personal life.

6) The world does not revolve around you is something that unfortunately I hear a lot of really mean-spirited and unkind adults use to minimize and dismiss the feelings, fears, and concerns of other adults, subordinates, and children... each person's world does indeed revolve around them. I dont mean that in a pathological, narcissistic way. I just mean..we are the only person experiencing life in the way we are. Each of us has a 'world' that does indeed revolve around ourselves, it's the only way most of us experience our lives, from that single viewpoint. empathy and compassion can offer a glimpse of another person's experience or their world, but ....this seems like an unkind and dismisive thing to say, and often I hear it when someone is trying to gaslight or minimize another person's distress. It's not helpful. Strike it from your vocabulary. If you feel someone is being utterly selfish and not taking others' needs or feelings into consideration, behaving as if the world is revolving only around them, there are better ways to invite them to have empathy and compassion and adopt a less selfish mindset.

7) "Respect is earned" is so fukkin toxic. I can't even. Go into every interaction with an attitude of respect for the other people you are meeting. If they are rude or obnoxious, aggressive, or threatening, THEN withdraw your respect. Not before. Don't approach every interaction as the other person needing to 'prove' they are worthy in order to be treated kindly. That's just an ugly way to treat other people and an ugly way to go through life.

8) The world owes you nothing. ...another ugly way to speak and think; treating other people as though their needs are an unpleasant burden upon the earth. Is that how you feel about yourself? is that how you treat children and disabled and old folks? Be better. A sense of entitlement is ugly and unpleasant, but it's not kind to dismiss the legitimate needs and rights of others. I think the world might be a better place if we all adopted an attitude of being entitled to at least a basic level of dignity simply for being human and alive. Not a matter of 'owing anything' but just a matter of being entitled to be cared for at a basic level by the people you were born to and the society you are trying to participate in....

9) Fits and tantrums will get you nothing...another situation in which you may be observing 'bad behavior' that is an outcry of distress, trauma, pain, and being triggered. Respond with compassion, don't react with negativity. See where that gets ya.

10) You put yourself here. You need to fix you. --- yes, you may have made choices which led to a negative outcome. Unfortunately we are all the product of so many interactions over time; we do think of ourselves in the ways we were treated and spoken to as children, the way we may have been abused or neglected or ignored by bosses or partners or friends we trusted to treat us kindly. It's important to recognize the shitty patterns that may have brought us to this negative place. And it's imperative to do whatever we can to fix ourselves once we recognize these patterns. Easier said than done. Why react with more negativity against a person who is already suffering?

11) Shut your mouth, open your ears.....this sounds like another negative, judgey, bullying comment from an adult to a child or subordinate. Listening is important. telling other people to shut up is gross and mean. Even if they do talk too much and listen too little, this is not a phrase that would encourage them to change that behavior. LIke, at alllll.

Anyway....I need to finish writing thank you notes. And think about taking down xmas decorations. la la la.

https://open.substack.com/pub/decodingfoxnews/p/project-2025-the-advisory-board-list?utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email

Project 2025 - The Advisory Board List

Full list with hyperlinks and additional information on each organization.

DECODING FOX NEWS

JUL 08, 2024

∙ PAID

107

This list is a direct copy and paste from the Advisory Board section from “Mandate for Leadership The Conservative Promise Project 2025.”. On the document the organizations in the advisory board are listed by alphabetical order with no additional information.

I’ve added hyperlinks to each organization’s website as well as some background information including any notable board members, founding members or staff - especially anyone who worked in the Trump administration.

I’ve also grouped the organizations by type.

Although this entire document is only available for paid subscribers I removed the paywall for the first section. I want as many people as possible to know about the most extremist groups aligned with Project 2025.

Thank you for your support.

The Project 2025 Advisory Board

The Heritage Foundation
- The Heritage Foundation’s mission is to formulate and promote public policies based on the principles of free enterprise, limited government, individual freedom, traditional American values, and a strong national defense. (from website)
- The organization is considered one of the most influential conservative think tanks in the world.
- Founded in 1973 originally to promote a pro-business agenda.
- Originally created as a conservative response to the Brookings Institution.
- “Mandate for Leadership” - Reagan Administration
  - Much like Project 2025 “Mandate for Leadership,” was meant as a blueprint for the newly elected Reagan Administration to help guide them on policy issues.
  - About 60% of the recommendations suggested in “Mandate for Leadership” were adopted by the Reagan Administration in its first year. Reagan loved it so much he had copies printed for all of his cabinet members.
  - The Heritage Foundation also had tremendous influence over helping the Reagan administration fill positions in his new administration. This is another similarity with “Project 2025” as one of its goals is to fill government positions with prescreened ideologically radical conservatives.
- “Index of Leading Cultural Indicators” written by William Bennett in 1994
  - This publication was the Heritage Foundation’s first major entry into the culture wars.
  - The Index tackled subjects such as crime, divorce, children born out of marriage, teenage suicides, and drug use along with other social indicators.
- “Index of Economic Freedom” - published in 1995
  - Wall Street Journal began partnership with Heritage as co-manager and co-editor of Index of Economic Freedom as an annual publication in 1997.
- Scandal in 2013 - Jackson Richwine - co-author of Heritage Foundation report on the costs of amnesty for migrants
  - Richwine was scrutinized for his Harvard University PhD thesis, authored four years prior, where he argued that Latino and Black people had lower I.Q.’s and were intellectually inferior to white people.
  - He’d also made comments at the American Enterprise Institute in 2008 that were similar to the conclusions he’d made in his doctoral thesis.
  - Richwine resigned due to the controversy.
- Trump’s candidacy - 2015
  - Originally the Heritage Foundation did not support Trump for president.
  - The organization only supported Trump after he won the nomination.
- Trump’s presidency - 2017
  - Just like as they had with Reagan and other Republican presidents the Heritage Foundation had great influence over helping the Trump administration fill various positions in his administration.
  - Some of the several hundred people who received jobs in the Trump administration who were included in a database the Heritage Foundation cultivated were:
    - Betsy DeVos, Mick Mulvaney, Rick Perry, Scott Pruitt, Jeff Sessions
- Post - Trump presidency
  - Several Trump Administration officials and staff member take positions at the Heritage Foundation.
    - Ken Cuccinelli, Mark Morgan, Chad Wolf (Cuccinelli and Wolf left in 2021)
    - Mike Pence also went to work for Heritage
  - Ukraine War
    - May 2022 the organization reversed its support for Ukraine
    - March 2023 - Heritage established a cooperative relationship with Danube Institute in Hungary.
- The Big Lie
  - The president of the Heritage Foundation has publicly said he doesn’t think Biden won the 2020 election.
  - The organization has promoted false claims of widespread voter fraud.
- Project 2025
  - A collection of proposals to radically change the executive branch of the U.S. government.
  - The organization is recruiting thousands of staffers for every branch of government.
  - Some of the policy proposals in Project 2025 include the following:
    - Boosting fossil fuels while slashing environmental regulations
    - Dismantling the Inflation Reduction Act
    - Shutting down the Department of Energy loan programs office
    - Taking partisan control of the DOJ, FBI and Dept. of Commerce, the FCC, and the FTC.
    - Dismantling the Dept. of Homeland Security and the Department of Education
    - The National Institute of Health (NIH) would be shaped by conservative principles.
    - Cut Medicaid and Medicare
    - Outlaw abortion
    - Eliminate coverage of emergency contraception under the ACA
    - Enforce the Comstock Act - this would criminalize the sending or receiving of abortion medication through the U.S. Mail.
    - Outlaw pornography
    - Infuse Christianity into the U.S. government
    - Remove legal protections against discrimination claims based on sexual orientation and gender identity.
    - Terminate DEI (diversity, equity and inclusion) programs as well as affirmative action.
    - Prosecute “anti-white” racism.
    - Enact draconian anti-immigration laws including mass deportations and detentions of undocumented immigrants.
    - Engage the Insurrection Act of 1807 which would allow the military to participate in domestic policing and assist in the capture of undocumented immigrants.
    - Increase the use of capital punishment
    - (This is just a partial list)

Organization led by former Trump Admin. officials who promote Christian Nationalism

Center for Renewing America
- Our mission is to renew a consensus of America as a nation under God with unique interests worthy of defending that flow from its people, institutions, and history, where individuals’ enjoyment of freedom is predicated on just laws and healthy communities. (from website)
- I honestly couldn’t tell what this organization did except hire former Trump staffers and cabinet members. It was formed in 2021.
- Founded by Russ Vought former Trump Admin. Director of the Office of Management and Budget
  - Staff members former Trump Admin. - Ken Cuccinelli, Adam Candeub, Rachel Cauley, Jeff Clark, Ashlea Frazier, Paige Hauser, Dan Kowalski, Micah Meadowcroft, Mark Paoletta, Kingsley Wilson
  - Steve Friend, staff member, FBI Whistleblower who claimed FBI manipulated evidence from Jan. 6th investigation.

so, no shit, I had a dream the night of 2/29 that I wrote down 3/1 about my brother sineater finally deciding to divorce his spouse skye_ds because he'd seen a video of her killing a horse on a trail ride.

Found out this morning that she was hauling (illegally) a horse for someone, it injured itself in her trailer, and now the owner is more than likely going to sue her. skye of course claims that the person signed an ironclad contract, the customer says 'your contract is a mess of cut and paste that my actual lawyer has reviewed and it's crap,'..but skye has fancied herself a legal professional since the early days of meeting her, when she apparently worked as a paralegal....which, of course, is NOT a lawyer and apparently the TX bar frowns upon that sort of thing. In a legally-severe kind of way.

Time was,I would have contacted the person making the complaints to put in my ugly two cents, but I think I'll sit this one out. It's icky enough just knowing about it, at all and I am breaking my no-contact by knowing, hearing, seeing, reading, etc. about skye and her screwball life and deviant business/legal practices.

I am not sure what I ever did to 'deserve' this bizarre 'psychic'? connection to that train wreck of a human but I do seem to have some kind of spidey sense where she's concerned. Or perhaps she is just so much of a train wreck that there are always disasters and drama around her and sometimes they coincide with my trauma-brain dreams about her. And, because she's disordered and traumatized, and so am I, there are certain times of year/dates that one can almost set their clock by that she'll become dysregulated and stir up some shit -- her wedding anniversary to my brother, her birthday, his birthday, her lover sonar0m's birthday, sineater's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas...she just has to ruin each and every one of them with some nonsense. I think sonar0m is april though, so this doesn't fit that pattern. Still, my subconscious is a pattern finding machine and probably has picked up on something I haven't realized consciously yet, so that's why the dream.

anyhooo....too much time and energy given to that. Time for a house smudge and a prayer to whatever there is for the best outcome for all concerned.

Narcissist sent a catalog from Fingerhut fetti (not junk because I researched they have to order it to be sent to an address) can someone please shed light on this? I’m no contact after he married someone behind my back. Is this a Hoover attempt?

How do you know the catalog was sent by your ex? Sometimes you will order something by mail and start getting all sorts of catalogs in the mail because the one place you ordered from will sell your information to other catalog companies, or the companies are all owned by the same organization.

Don’t assume it’s a secret message from your ex; it could just be a coincidence. If he married someone else, he has moved on and you should, too.

On the other hand, I had an experience with a crazy b***** who knows I’m childless who thought it would be funny and cruel to sign me up for various parenting and ‘mom and baby’ type magazines. She did that for a year or two after I helped her ex, who was an acquaintance of mine, get out of her foul clutches. Basically, I just provided information and he did the rest as far as getting divorce, restraining order, splitting the assets, etc. But since I was one of his friends she ended up fixating on me and blaming me for the end of her marriage. She did a lot of crazy stuff, including sending pornography to my employer and making terrorist threats against my workplace.

So, yes, it’s possible that someone with bad intentions would sign you up for junk mail in the hope of hurting your feelings or annoying you.

Either way, the best way to respond is not to respond. You can contact the catalog and ask to be taken off their mailing list if it bothers you, but whatever you do, do NOT contact the narcissist or do anything to suggest that you were hurt or affected by the catalog in any way. If they know how to hurt you or make you mad, they will keep doing it. Keep "No Contact" with the narc and go on about your own life.

=====================

Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com.

They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here.

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.

I think it depends on the narcissist.

I know one narc who has a fairly firm fantasy worldview that stays consistent over time; her lies include: she was adopted. Her birth family is a long lineage of powerful magic users descended from the founding family of Rome. She performed on Broadway when she was young. She travelled, recorded, and performed with various country and western music stars when she was young. So why isn't she wealthy? Well, she married right out of high school and her ex husband got all her money from her youthful musical career when they divorced. She has mystical telepathic bonds with her service animal (a bird) and her 20-odd herd of horses. (she got that one from Mercedes Lackey books, which she has all of)

If you allow her internal fantasy world to be ‘true’ and don’t contradict her, all of her words and behavior are in line with these lies and stories she’s told many, many times over the years.

As far as ‘what she did yesterday’ or ‘what she heard you say’ or 'what you did' those are lies that she changes according to audience and what she wants from them; she has a habit of keeping her targets (lovers, husband, domestic partners) awake and exhausted, malnourished, and stressed out while she screams/cries her ‘truth’ over and over again until they believe her version of things even if they saw and heard the reality themselves. She basically sees and hears whatever will feed her wants and needs in the moment and she doesn’t care if it’s a lie or if it changes, she will just insist that whatever she is saying in that moment is the truth and that others are lying or mis-remembering whatever it is that contradicts her.

Another narcissist of my acquaintance had a completely chaotic world-view and none of her stories were consistent or matched up over time. One day she would tell you she had a successful singing career until her manager tried to sleep with her, so she had to quit. The next time you saw her, you’d ask about her singing career and she would say no, that’s not correct, she had owned a car dealership but her partners tried to sleep with her and when she sued them, they somehow managed to get control of the company away from her. And then the next time she saw you, she would deny that she’d ever said anything about singing or cars and tell you she’d been a world-renowned lion tamer or some other insane BS. Whatever the story, it always included some element of she was successful until someone tried to sleep with her and often there was a lawsuit involved. She was always talking about suing this person and that person. The reality is that she was a low level con artist who was on public assistance and had a number of aliases (combinations of her various first/middle names with various maiden and married names & various lovers' last names, along with various mixed up versions of her kids’ names) with which she defrauded government agencies out of welfare assistance.

Whether chaotic or consistent, the narcisssist’s past and back-story always seem to consist of being special, gifted, wealthy, and possibly even possessed of supernatural powers, and then being mistreated by other people.

There is no proof, of course, that they were ever rich, famous, or owned anything, but if you question it they will gaslight you and lie some more.

They honestly don’t seem to care about whether or not the story changes or if you believe them or not, as long as you are paying attention to them and they are getting what they want out of you, whether that’s an audience or a fight or someone to add to their long list of ‘people who did me wrong [and I had to sue them! In the court of MY MIND!]’

Bottom line: Whether they remember their lies and keep it consistent, if you contradict or call them out, it's going to be your fault, not theirs. They'll scream, cry, argue, fuss, fight, DARVO, and gaslight until you get your own memory messed up enough to agree with them or apologize.

So, don’t bother trying to keep track of the narc’s stories, they certainly do not. If you want to get along just nod and smile and don’t remind them of their inconsistencies. It’s easier and more peaceful to just leave that relationship altogether, if you can.

=====================

Here's something I haven't seen many people commenting about. Depp admitted and acknowledged a drug and alcohol problem. But Heard was drinking and drugging right along with him, and somehow only HE got mean and irrational while using? Only HE had a substance problem? Her use/abuse of drugs and alcohol didn't contribute to their sick and violent relationship, at all? Come onnnnn, man. Not buying it.

And now folks are saying that Marilyn Manson is going to use the same 'misogynistic' court techniques to win his defamation suit. Well, let's look at the differences: Depp has had multiple relationships, and only one accusation of DV in something like 35 years of being a famous person constantly in the public eye. His accuser had past incidents of being a DV abuser. Manson, on the other hand, has multiple accusations and multiple women who reported Manson's problematic behavior. I just don't see how people can compare these cases, they're apples and oranges.

Can the legal system be misused by abusers to further traumatize their victims? Yes. It can and it HAS--especially in cases of a female abuser and male victim. And especially when it comes to family courts and parental alienation. The legal system is terrible and flawed. I don't feel that the Depp verdict is a proof of that (though the fact that he is a public figure with enough money to get good lawyers might be), any more than I feel that AH's behavior invalidated the entire 'me too' movement or proved that all women are gold digging liars.

I guess what this is highlighting for me is that no matter how righteous your initial cause, lowlifes will hang themselves on it like a barnacle and co opt it for their own agenda.

I don't know if anyone remembers the original Tea Party tenets, they made sense and seemed decent. haha.

Mens Rights? yeah. They were looking for the same things I think men get screwed out of in family court--fair divorces, shared custody, reasonable child support, etc.

And now it's coming to the same with 'me too'....bad actors (literally!) attaching themselves and using a movement to advance their own sick goals.

On a micro level, I've seen and heard abusers co-opt the language of self-help, abuse and therapy to justify their abuse and vilify their victims and anyone else who calls them out on their shitty behavior.

So.....maybe humans are just garbage.

And now we have Jan 6 public hearings starting. ughhhhh

Current Mood: cynical

ugggh.

So Johnny Depp won his defamation suit against Amber Heard.

The redpill incels are declaring that 'me too' is over, this just proves women are evil and bla bla bla.

The Guardian UK is declaring the trial as a win for misogyny.

I want to say it's like when someone criticizes Israel for genociding Palestinians and then that person gets called 'anti semitic'....

No, really, I'm not expressing misogyny when I say that Amber Heard was abusive, and did defame her ex husband.

I hate that so many really ugly and stupid people got behind Johnny. More as an excuse to hate on a pretty woman and say misogynistic bullshit out loud than for the merits of the case. Stopped clock and all of that, though. She was obviously lying. She was obviously abusive. Her 'mountain of evidence' was...not all that mountainous.

I don't think Johnny Depp is or was a good person, or a saint, or blameless. I also don't think that anyone in a relationship, man or woman, should be hitting the other person. Or that anyone who hits another person should think that they're OK to do that without getting hit back. I also can't imagine texting a friend that I want to kill my spouse and fuck their corpse. That's extremely ugly and nasty and terrible. I can't imagine saying or thinking that about a person I was in a relationship with! And I've been in an abusive relationship. So.... yeah.

I have a lot of feelings. I don't think it's really safe to talk about them in FB or with a larger audience because DV and SA are triggering for so many people.

I have a family situation involving a male victim and female abuser. During the many years of their marriage, they have both inflicted physical injuries on one another--it took some time but eventually he started hitting back. I have not observed any verbal abuse from the male person to the female person, but I have directly observed verbal abuse, put-downs, and insults directed from the female person to the male person and I have directly observed at least one occasion of the female person physically abusing an animal. Not a human, but still pretty upsetting to see. I used to agonize and get super angry and depressed about the situation, with a lot of anger at the female person and a lot of sympathy and empathy for the male person. But eventually I burned out on it; you can't care more about a person than a person cares about themselves for decades without burning out. And various incidents and memories of the male person long before meeting the female person eventually got through to me that the male person was never any kind of angel. Turns out they are/were both really rather awful people: liars, manipulators, unstable, drama addicts...and they found each other, cling together despite bringing out the absolute worst in each other, and keep on engaging in these endless cycles of interpersonal violence, pushing each other's buttons and using their dysfunctional relationship as a chess piece in their interactions with friends and family. They are both getting something out of it, they both feel that they 'need' or 'deserve' the situation, they stay together no matter how violent and crazy things become. They are both awful people.

And sadly I think that's where I finally am with the JD/AH situation. I hope they both get help and therapy and become better people rather than moving on to the next dysfunctional interaction.

So much about this trial was upsetting to watch and listen to. I believe 100% Johnny Depp was verbally and emotionally abusive. 100% Amber Heard was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive.

I think she would have won if she had not told so many crazy lies.

Sick people. Would not want to be in a relationship with either of them.

Nothing she said or did should invalidate the #metoo movement.

I am glad JD came forward and spoke about being physically beaten by his wife; hopefully that will remove some of the stigma from male DV victims.

But justice is for people who have the money for it, and I doubt this will change the reality of normal folks who are in DV relationships.

And....this was a huge distraction from stuff in the real world that is happening that has a more immediate and awful effect on all of us.

===========================================

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/jun/01/amber-heard-johnny-depp-trial-metoo-backlash?CMP=share_btn_fb&fbclid=IwAR2gEsG-qFBZMmRSzHYXXFjWiIA25gHys1pcsHlu_5UGCR7-gYdLZ42kHCE

The Amber Heard-Johnny Depp trial was an orgy of misogyny

Moira Donegan

The backlash to #Me Too has long been under way. But this feels like a tipping point

In text messages to friends, Johnny Depp fantasized about murdering his then-wife, the actress Amber Heard. “I will fuck her burnt corpse afterwards to make sure she’s dead,” Depp wrote. In other texts, he disparaged his wife’s body in luridly misogynist terms. “Mushy pointless dangling overused floppy fish market,” he called her.

The texts became public as part of Depp’s defamation suit against Heard, now at trial in a Virginia court. Ostensibly, Depp is suing over a 2018 article that Heard published in the Washington Post, titled “I spoke up against sexual violence – and faced our culture’s wrath.” In the piece, the actress writes, “Two years ago, I became a public figure representing domestic abuse.” The article does not mention Depp, but his lawyers say that the piece was about him – and was defamatory. For those 11 words, Depp is seeking $50m.

The Depp defamation suit should outrage and appall you | Jill Filipovic

Abortion and guns may awaken a slumbering giant for Democrats | Robert Reich

America is steeped in violence. And the roots of that violence go deep | Moustafa Bayoumi

US mass shootings will continue until the majority can overrule the minority | Rebecca Solnit

Continue watchingWe older people must fight for a better America, and world, for younger generations | Bill McKibbenafter the ad

A jury thought he deserved it. On Wednesday, the case’s verdict came in, finding that Heard defamed Depp, acting with “malice,” when she described herself as a victim of domestic abuse. Bizarrely, the same jury found that one of Depp’s lawyer’s defamed Heard when he said that her account of abuse was “a hoax.” The verdict came after a trial that was televized – an extremely rare situation for a proceeding that concerns allegations of domestic violence – and which was subject to almost inescapable media coverage, nearly all of it in favor of one litigant, even as the jury was not sequestered. The strange, illogical, and unjust ruling has the effect of sanctioning Depp’s alleged abuse of Heard, and of punishing Heard for speaking about it. It will have a devastating effect on survivors, who will be silenced, now, with the knowledge that they cannot speak about their violent experiences at men’s hands without the threat of a ruinous libel suit. In that sense, women’s speech just became a lot less free.

Over the past six weeks, as the trial was live-streamed online, many of those who have tuned in to watch have treated Heard with the same contempt that Depp did in his texts. A broad consensus has emerged online that Heard must be lying about her abuse. She has been accused of faking the photos of her injuries from Depp’s alleged beatings, painting bruises on with makeup. She’s been accused of convincing the multiple witnesses who say Depp abused her to lie – repeatedly and under oath – for years. These conspiracy theories are unsupported by the facts of the case, but that has not stopped them from spreading. Online, the case has taken on a heady mythology, and belief in Depp’s righteousness persists independent of the evidence.

In the service of this myth, any cruelty can be justified. When Heard took the stand, she became emotional as she recounted how Depp allegedly hit her, manipulated and controlled her, surveilled her and sexually assaulted her. Afterwards, ordinary people, along with a few celebrities and even brands like Duolingo and Milani, took to social media to mock or undermine Heard. They took screenshots of her weeping face and made it a meme. Many performed mocking re-enactments of her testimony, lip-syncing along as she recounted the alleged abuse. The audio of her crying became a TikTok trend. This cruelty has now been joined in and compounded by the jury, who have gone beyond mocking her for telling her story, and now declared that she actually broke the law by doing so.

This is not the first time Depp has sued over the allegations. In 2020, a British court heard Depp’s lawsuit against the British tabloid the Sun, which Depp sued for defamation after an article referred to him as a “wife beater”. UK courts are much more amenable to defamation claims than American ones, but Depp still couldn’t prevail: the British judge found that the Sun’s characterization of Depp was “substantially true”. That same trial found that Depp physically abused Heard on at least 12 occasions. Yet the actor and his fans claim that it was Heard, not Depp, who was the abuser in their marriage.

The trial has turned into a public orgy of misogyny. While most of the vitriol is nominally directed at Heard, it is hard to shake the feeling that really, it is directed at all women – and in particular, at those of us who spoke out about gendered abuse and sexual violence during the height of the #MeToo movement. We are in a moment of virulent antifeminist backlash, and the modest gains that were made in that era are being retracted with a gleeful display of victim-blaming at a massive scale. One woman has been made into a symbol of a movement that many view with fear and hatred, and she’s being punished for that movement. In this way, Heard is still in an abusive relationship. But now, it’s not just with Depp, but with the whole country.

Since she published her Post piece, Heard’s life has been consumed by the rage and retaliation of Depp and his fans. Lost in the scandal and spectacle of the lawsuit has been this reality: it is Heard, not Depp, who has been put on trial, and she is on trial for saying things whose truth is evidenced by the very fact of the lawsuit itself. Depp’s frivolous and punitive suit, and the frenzy of misogynist contempt for Heard that has accompanied it, have done a great deal to vindicate Heard’s original point: that women are punished for coming forward. What happens to women who allege abuse? They get publicly pilloried, professionally blacklisted, socially ostracized, mocked endlessly on social media and sued. Wrath, indeed.

But mainstream coverage of the trial has not seemed to grasp this. Instead, there’s been tremendous focus on Heard’s mistakes and worst moments over the course of her relationship with Depp. As is typical of domestic abuse victims, Heard does seem to have done things many of us would not be proud of. She fought back. Depp’s outbursts and insults left Heard resentful and angry with him, and sometimes, she told him so. Many are quick to point out that Heard is not a perfect victim. But no woman is. We are told that the lawsuit is “complicated.” But the lawsuit is not complicated. It is abuse. Now, that abuse has been sanctioned by a jury.

Maybe the persistence of this notion that Heard is somehow equally culpable for what happened to her is why people like the New York Times’ Michelle Goldberg have characterized the trial as “the death of Me Too”: it shows how easily a victim can still be blamed and isolated, how easily what happened to her can be taken as a failure of her personal character, rather than as part of a social pattern. Not all women are alike, but feminism was supposed to let us see how we are all similarly vulnerable – both to gendered abuse and to the gendered application of double standards and unjust blame. No victim is perfect. No victim should have to be. After all, if a man cannot be considered abusive towards an imperfect woman, then just how perfect does a woman need to be before it becomes wrong to beat her?

For their part, Depp’s fans seem to not so much deny Depp’s alleged violence against Heard, but to approve of it. “He could have killed you,” says one viral Tiktok supporting Depp, the text superimposed over photos of Heard’s bruised face. “He had every right.” The post has more than 222,200 likes.

The backlash to #Me Too has long been under way. Critics of the movement painted women’s efforts to end sexual violence as excessive and intemperate from the start, claiming #MeToo had “gone too far” before it really got under way at all. And yet the Heard trial does feel like a tipping point in our culture’s response to gender violence. The forces of misogynist reaction are perhaps even stronger now for having been temporarily repressed. Where once women refused, en masse, to keep men’s secrets, or to remain silent about the truth of their own lives, now, a resurgence of sexism, virulent online harassment, and the threat of lawsuits, all aim to compel women back into silence – by force.

In some ways, one could see the defamation suit itself as an extension of Depp’s abuse of Heard, a way to prolong his humiliation and control over her. The only difference is that now, the legal system and the public have been conscripted to take part. This seems to be at least partly how Depp sees it. In 2016, as their marriage broke apart, Depp texted his friend Christian Carino, vowing revenge against Heard. “She is begging for global humiliation,” Depp wrote. “She is going to get it.”

Moira Donegan is a Guardian US columnist

So, I have gotten a bit sucked in to the Amber and Johnny trial. On one hand, I find this real life trial between two real life human beings being used as entertainment/reality TV to be quite distasteful and unseemly. On the other hand, I do think light being shed on the issue of female abusers and male victims may be an ultimate good. I don't think most men are going to be able to find a decent judge or a good legal team so Depp's outcome is likely not to be shared by many real life un-famous men. The court system is fairly biased, in my experience, when it comes to heterosexual domestic matters.

Anyway I've been listening to (literally, ugh!) hours of courtroom testimony, recordings and texts and photos and AH's self-serving word salad of excuses as to why she had to shame, humiliate, gaslight, smear, and physically strike her husband. One recording where she repeatedly says 'suck my dick' and calls him a pussy and insults his manhood, etc. ends with him saying that he's going to commit to try and be a better husband and wants to work it out. I really wonder what was the last straw, what was the bridge too far, what finally made him (or her?) say "This is crazy, it's time to GTFO"...because it seems to me that a lot of the behavior over the short time of their marriage fell into what I'd consider 'deal breaker' territory before it got to the finger-severing and bed-pooping.

Then again, I know from my own failed relationship that there was a long slow slippery slope to where we finally called it quits, and for me the last straw was not so much the disrespect, cheating, financial nonsense, etc. but seeing the lack of respect given to a visiting family member. I'd been neglected, ignored, belittled, and disregarded for years by that point but somehow seeing the same behavior in a different context made me decide it was time to end things.

Anyhoo...here's an article I found interesting.

https://medium.com/the-virago/how-bad-does-it-need-to-get-before-you-leave-5a7e3ce021

How Bad Does It Need to Get Before You Leave?

Trust me, it’s not worth the wait

Apr 12

5 min read

I used to wish he would hit me instead, believing that would hurt less than his cruel behavior and words.

I often begged him to leave because I didn’t have the strength to do it myself.

The way he ignored me for days, the smirk that appeared on his mouth whenever I was in pain, the black eyes that glared at me without feeling…

Days, months, years passed.

And I stayed.

Because at the time, I didn’t think it was bad enough to leave.

So I waited. Until it was.

Until the Universe answered my call after collapsing in my bedroom closet one afternoon, begging for relief.

Please, send me a sign. Any sign, I wailed.

The Universe, sick and tired of my shit and ignoring all the signs it had already sent my way, responded by hurling a Cat. 5 hurricane…with me in its direct path.

It took blowing up my life as I knew it, eviscerating everything I believed to be true, causing waves of trauma in our children that still ebb and flow to this day, for me to finally leave.

It took uncovering my husband’s double life of grooming and exploiting young immigrant girls, and realizing I’d married a sexual predator, to push me out the door.

Today, as a recovery coach who helps others rebuild their lives after abusive relationships, I’ve noticed my story is a common one. There is a theme for those of us who have been victims of an abusive partner.

We stay.

Until something so big happens, something so horrific and destructive, that we’re pushed to leave, sometimes the decision taken out of our hands.

But as someone who waited until my worst nightmare came true, I’m here to tell you that staying in an abusive relationship and hoping things will only get better is not worth the wait.

Here’s why:

The “love conquers all” belief

That’s a sweet saying, but in the words of Tina Turner, what’s love got to do with it? If someone is hurting you in order to keep control of you, if someone is strengthened by your weakness, if someone expects you to give while all they do is take, that’s not love. That’s abuse.

You don’t want to “give up” on them

Welcome to the world of attachment that abusers — especially narcissists — create to instill guilt and obligation so that you’ll stay no matter what they dish out. Thus, the only one you’re giving up on is yourself.

Staying for the kids

I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping our family together, staying for our kids. Turns out, the one regret I have when I look back is that I didn’t leave sooner. Because of my kids. The fact is children who witness abuse, especially emotional abuse, of a parent often face severe and long-term consequences.

Even if your kids are not being abused firsthand, it’s like secondhand smoke — they’re still inhaling the poison.

You don’t want to break up the family

In an abusive relationship, the family is already broken by an abuser. Leaving is the only way to put it back together.

Waiting for them to change

If you hold your breath, you’ll suffocate. Besides, why would an abuser, particularly a narcissist, change? What they’re doing is working for them and they’re getting something out of it (power, control, supply, etc.) so why would they give that up?

And don’t say “because they love me and they care about me” because if they loved you and cared about you they wouldn’t have been abusive in the first place.

You made vows

The last time I checked, two people make vows when they get married. So if your spouse is the one no longer cherishing and honoring and respecting you, and your vows didn’t include promising to stick it out no matter the cost to your emotional and physical well-being, then consider yourself released from that marital contract through no fault of your own.

They have anger issues and you want to “help” them

My (now ex) husband used to act out angrily toward me and our oldest son. He asked me for help to deal with his anger “issues.” So I bought him books on anger. I researched methods on how to deal with anger. I listened and tried to help him in any way that I could.

The thing is, he never got angry at anyone else. And when he was angry at me, he could become “un-angry” with the flip of a switch if anyone else was around. Not to mention, I wasn’t allowed to be angry. Especially at him. So the issue was never anger to begin with. It’s about control, and the reminder of my lack of it.

Your abusive partner doesn’t have a problem with his anger. He has a problem with your anger. — Lundy Bancroft

You don’t believe you’re worthy of anything better

Do you know why your self-worth is in the toilet? Because you’re in an abusive relationship with someone who has convinced you that you’re not worthy of anything better. Abusers, especially narcissists, are quite adept at conditioning you to feel like shit about yourself. How else are they going to keep you under control? So the longer you stay, the more your self-esteem is going to be battered.

Like death from a thousand cuts.

There are good times too

The one you love isn’t all bad all the time. They have their sweet moments where they’re loving and caring and treating you well. So what if the day before they insulted you (again) or the week before they lied to you (again) or the month before they called you names/smeared you to your friends/got physical with you/pressured you to do something you didn’t want to/cheated on you/humiliated you (again)…it’s not like that all the time, right?

Okay, but why is this acceptable to you for any time at all?

You think you’re the problem

You feel crazy. Too emotional. Too sensitive. You need to get a thicker skin and stop being so dramatic. You look in the mirror and don’t recognize the person staring back. You act in a way that is unrecognizable. You say things you don’t mean. You’ve become a stranger to yourself. This must explain why the one you love treats you like they do. It’s your fault. So if you could just get it together then everything would go back to the way it was…

Stop.

Just stop.

And please hear me when I say:

No one deserves to be abused.

You don’t deserve this. This isn’t the kind of life you want to live because it’s a dead end. When you stay with someone who is abusive, there is no “getting better.” There is no improvement or miraculous change going to happen.

There is only you, staying.

Until it gets worse.

So, why wait?

Current Mood: pensive

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brothers-sisters-strangers/202202/8-things-people-need-understand-about-sibling-estrangement?utm_source=FacebookPost&utm_medium=FBPost&utm_campaign=FBPost&fbclid=IwAR3q9VzIA_MPN3ZhkR10rOFIVINkaDvOIrCsK0cZz5W3dWvXbMfyuH73uvk

8 Things People Need to Understand About Sibling Estrangement

7. Yes, you can mourn for a living person.

Posted February 11, 2022 | Reviewed by Ekua Hagan

KEY POINTS

Some feel judged, embarrassed, and humiliated that they can't sustain a relationship with a sibling.
One common misperception is that no one else struggles to maintain a relationship with a sibling.
Some estranged siblings wonder, "Is there something wrong with me because I can't get along with my brother or sister?"

Source: Sofia Alejandra/Pexels

For years, I never told anyone how my estrangement from my only brother had created a gaping hole in my life. My secrecy arose from one simple but powerful reason: I feared I would be judged.

Most people project onto others their notions of what a family should look like—a pretty picture that echoes throughout our culture. From Shakespeare to sitcoms, family bonds are idealized. I found it humiliating that I couldn’t negotiate some sort of relationship with my own brother. How could I explain the experience to someone else when I didn’t understand it myself?

Making matters worse, I didn’t want to admit that my family experienced this level of dysfunction. Others who are estranged often feel the same way; they suffer in silence, rarely discussing the topic, not seeking support groups or therapy that might help them feel less alone.

The stigma, alienation, and silence surrounding this painful topic create fertile ground for misperceptions about sibling estrangement. Here are eight:

I’m the only one who is estranged from my sibling. Those who are estranged often believe that nobody else has a rough or chaotic relationship with a sibling. Psychotherapist Ali John Chaudhary, who specializes in this topic and has created several resources for estranged siblings, says that many who are cut off from relatives are black sheep—family members who are treated differently, marginalized, or excluded, and typically blamed for whatever goes wrong in the family. “It helps to recognize that others struggle, too,” Chaudhary says. “In fact, studies show that the number is as high as one in three sibling relationships that are strained or estranged.”
There must be something wrong with me if I can’t get along with my sibling. Many factors can sour a sibling relationship: a lack of shared interests, power struggles, personality disorders, just plain bad chemistry. No matter how serious or trivial the roots, sibling rejection ripples into many areas of life and identity. It can damage your sense of who you are, how you see your friendships and other social relationships, your self-esteem, your ability to trust, even your physical well-being. One of Chaudhary’s mantras is, “I am so much more than what my sibling thinks of me.”
Family always comes first. Family does not come first when it’s toxic. Instead, prioritizing boundaries and a sense of security is vital. You aren’t obligated to do everything for the sake of the family if you run the risk of eroding yourself. Chaudhary emphasizes that no one has the right to take you away from you.
I’m totally responsible for my sibling relationship. Those who are deeply empathic often hold this belief. Yet a sibling may be concerned only with his or her own issues, insecurities, and attempts to dominate and gain power, especially if he or she is narcissistic. Assuming full responsibility often leads to enabling.
Things will be different the next time we get together. There’s a label for this misperception: “Euphoric recall” is a state in which people remember the past through “rose-colored glasses,” exaggerating positive experiences while suppressing the negative side. This feeds the notion that things will somehow improve, even though that’s unlikely. Chaudhary says it’s important to create a plan when you expect to see an estranged sibling. Doing something different could improve the encounter; optimism alone isn’t enough.
I need to get along with my sibling for my parents’ sake. Even if you must spend time with your sibling, beware of neglecting your own needs. If you do, you run the risk of becoming a people pleaser. There may be times when you choose to buy peace by accommodating. However, doing so repeatedly can make you an enabler. Failing to set boundaries—for your parents’ or anyone else’s sake—gives your brother or sister power over you.
I can’t be mourning a living person. Impossible as it seems, we often grieve for the living. A sibling’s conscious choice to excise you from their life can be more devastating than mourning the dead. Death is final; the door has closed on that relationship. With estrangement, there’s often an enduring hope that things might change. “Complicated grief” is marked by intense yearning, longing, or emotional pain; frequent, preoccupying thoughts and memories of the absent person, and an inability to accept the loss. I call it mourning the living.
Only family can give me a true sense of belonging. Creating close, healthy relationships with others outside the family nurtures a sense of belonging. “Voluntary kin can serve as excellent sources of support and fulfill the roles we associate with family,” says Kristina Scharp, an assistant professor and director of the Family Communication and Relationships Lab at the University of Washington. “Many people have a difficult time separating the idea of family from biology and law. Yet there is nothing inherent about biology or the law that guarantees a happy or satisfying sibling relationship.”

Current Mood: melancholy

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201703/daughters-unloving-mothers-mourning-the-mom-you-deserved

This is such a complicated thing....my mom didn't have the mom she deserved. Her mom probably didn't have the mom she deserved, either. My father for damn sure didn't have the mom he deserved. How far back do we need to go before we can stop blaming? Before it becomes absurd?

Going from personal to universal, looking out at society, you have all of these impossible demands & expectations of motherhood. Moms are supposed to be such perfect saints. Always patient, always loving, always kind, always THERE. You breastfeed you baby for too long or not long enough-you're a terrible mother. You bottle feed = your'e a terrible mother. You let your kids eat dirt and play outside=you're a terrible mother. You don't let your kids play outside=you're a terrible mother. Your kids cry in public=you're a terrible mother. Your kids are tidy, polite, and quiet =you must be abusing them in private to make them act so cowed, you're a terrible mother. Your kids are too loud, too smart, too quiet, too emotional, too outspoken, too tall, too short, too fat, too thin = you're a terrible mother. Hug them too much, you're hovering and spoiling them, turning them into mama's boys/girls, you're a terrible mother. Ignore them when they fuss, you're a terrible mother. Send them to public schoo, you're a terrible mother. Send them to private school, you're a terrible mother. Send them to daycare while you work, you're a terrible mother. Stay at home to raise them, you're just a lazy whore who wants to sit on the couch and watch TV on your husband's dime & post on social media about how hard it is being a mom= also a terrible mother. And, you would think this shit comes from men against women but no, it is women saying this shit about other women. Mommy blogs are full of vicious, venomous bile against other moms who aren't doing it 'right'. It seems like moms have no way to ever, ever, EVER be 'good'....(one of the thousands of reasons I never had kids)

Honestly, I think what people need is a female God, not some impossibly perfect mother who is never, ever going to be able to live up to the arbitrary & contrary demands of society. And, maybe, on some level, the reason humanity turned to a male god is because of that original infant-wound, that fist time we woke up hungry, dirty, wet, and there wasn't an umbilical cord from Mother, bringing us everything we needed and taking away all our filth. Mommy is bad, she doesn't love us, maybe Daddy will. If we are good enough.

It's exhausting and frustrating. I really would like to think (hope) that as soon as we're old enough to realize our parents fucked us up (even if they were doing their best), we are old enough to get to healing and forgiving and growing the fuck up.

had a bunch of strange ones. First about 'tink' the woman I was ...involved(?) with at the beginning of 2020 before the pandemic. All of her wierd messianic/empire building/mental breakdown stuff. So in my dream she was asking if we could be close again and I managed to make a very good boundary statement that offered no shame, blame, accusations, rehashing of past, but was just a very clean and clear message that I was not in a position to be able to offer her any sort of closeness or relationship or romance of any kind...but it was not mean or ugly or anything, it wasn't a 'door slam,' it was just this really lovely, simple thing. I wish I could remember exactly how I'd worded it.

And then either later in the dream or a new dream, i was on my tablet looking at my SIL skye_ds' business page online, and somehow I accidentally clicked the thing to call the business and it started ringing. I was mashing the power button, trying to turn off the tablet before the phone connected, and then I heard her ask "oh, is that E----?" and sonar0m saying 'Yes, I think so," and she said "don't answer it, then," and then there was just kind of a quiet engine noise/road noise for a while (as I'm still there, trying to turn off my damned tablet) and then they were chitchatting about some job they'd just done and sonar0m said he'd gotten a $5 tip, and skye_ds said she'd gotten a tip also, and they were going to use their tip money to go get Dairy Queen and they seemed very happy about having this tiny little extra dab of money. Then my tablet started playing music and they started talking about hearing the music, too "where's that coming from?" "is it the radio?" "turn off the radio," etc.
Then I was at an indoor pool/park thing and there were tons of dogs running around all barking and making a lot of racket. I think I was still trying to turn off my tablet, and they could hear the dogs barking and I was trying to explain that I had not meant to call them and was not trying to eavesdrop, but I could not turn off my machine or disconnect the call. So that was frustrating.

Anyway....bunch of weird stuff in my head. I think basically trying to process relationships that are over that may have been crazy/harmful but still had things of value and beauty about them that I miss even though I know they weren't safe or sane. I can't work up much in the way of anger or affection or much of anything towards these people anymore. I guess my heart is finally at peace with how things are. at least for now. So that's nice. Thanks brain o' mine

Current Mood: calm

What happens if the narcissist tries to humiliate you in public but you don't feel humiliated at all?

First: Congratulations! You are making progress on your own healing journey. Recognizing that other people's poor behavior is a reflection on them and not you is a great step, especially if you are codependent. It feels good to have a calm center and that sense of confidence in oneself will hopefully discourage future narcissist attacks.

Unfortunately, t doesn’t really matter how you respond to a narc, it seems they will always flip the script and turn things around so that they get drama and craziness out of whatever nonsense they instigate---they just won't be getting it from you anymore. If they can’t make you break down, cry, or act out in public, they will play the victim and pretend like you are the bad guy in the situation. The only way to win is not to play. If you can, just DO NOT RESPOND. The next best thing is to A) STAY CALM and B) respond appropriately

Case in point, I have a certain malevolent person in my extended family. She no longer attends family gatherings where I am present, but sometimes family will be visiting from out of town, and she will ‘just happen’ to show up when I’m out somewhere with that family member.

So, if my ‘spidey sense’ tingles and I feel that the person is going to show up and try to stir the pot, I just put a ‘broken record’ plan in place, to say one certain thing again and again no matter what outrageous nonsense they plan.

The last time this happened, my toxic sister in-law sent her husband AKA Flying Monkey #1 to get in my face and start crap when I was at a movie night at a local pub with a bunch of people and some visiting family.

My ‘broken record’ was “I’m sorry you feel that way, the [problems you are bringing to me/ blame you are putting on me/ situation you are in] is/are not my responsibility or my problem,”

After he kept trying to place blame and shame on me for his wife’s bad day/attitude problem, I repeated this broken record a few times after each new try to get my goat, and he finally left in defeat.

His toxic wife went online and cried to all her facebook flying monkeys about how her husband and his family had “attacked and humiliated” her “in public,” and “In front of all her friends”….when in reality, she sent her flying monkey to try and attack and humilate ME in front of MY friends. And her husband, in in failing to humiliate me, somehow also became her enemy. Poor dude. She threatened to kill us both and I contacted law enforcement immediately with screen shots of the threats.

I mean, on one hand, she got what she wanted—a lot of sympathy from her band of defectives, and they got to share a lot of nonsense about how she should divorce her ‘abusive’ husband and how they wanted to beat me and her husband up and destroy me and stick me on a cactcus and cut my guts out…but, whatever. She is a coward and I did not get upset or defensive, so I won. She hasn’t showed up to another event since then, nor sent a flying monkey to mess with me. I think the visit from the Law was a wake up call that there are potential consequences that she doesn’t want to be forced to pay.

So, in short:

stay calm

practice calm "Gray Rock" type responses in which you do not accept blame, shame, or humiliation attempts :

“I’m sorry you feel that way, but that’s just not my problem or responsibility,”
“This isn’t an appropriate time or place to discuss, I’d be happy to talk with you later/in private about that,”
“I’m not going to fight with you about this,”

—keep it simple, keep it calm, repeat it and repeat it as long as it takes to get it across

Allow the abuser to receive consequences of their behavior, whether it be legal trouble, exclusion from a venue, group, or activity, or whatever. If they are capable of learning or growth, this is their opportunity to learn and grow from a mistake.

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Editing to add: Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com. They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here.

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.

What causes a female narcissist and male malignant narcissist to stalk you for over two decades?

This is an interesting question.

Who are these people, these ‘narcissists’ as you call them? Is there a mental health diagnosis for them that you have been privy to, either as a caregiver, friend, or family member? Or is this label something you have decided on giving them?

Is there something specific that has happened that makes you believe you are being ‘stalked’[1]? Is there proof of this stalking? Do you feel that you are being threatened? Have you made any police reports or taken any official action against these people? Are you documenting incidents of threats or harassment? Or is this just a story that you like to tell because it makes you feel as if you are at the center of a fascinating web of intrigue and excitement? What are you getting out of this situation, that is causing you to make ongoing claims of being stalked for 20 years?

I like many of these answers very much:

Why would someone lie about being stalked and harassed by a person that they labeled a “narcissist”?

Footnotes

[1]

Inside the Mind of a Stalker - One Love Foundation

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Is it common for a possible narc to threaten calling the police and your place of employment when you call them out on a lie?

Yes, indeed. I had a Crazy B*** make up a fake email account and then use my company’s web portal to lodge a complaint against me. Even though the name was fake and there was no proof, my workplace had to go through an investigation. It wasted my employer’s time and resources and annoyed my bosses but it was a good paid vacation for me, when my workplace could ill-afford to do without my work. Epic backfire of a plan!

Meanwhile, the Crazy was telling their followers/flying monkeys that *I* was the one who had tried to cause *them* to be out of work by badmouthing them to their clients/employers.

Crazy also told their friends/followers/flying monkeys that they and their spouse had filed “restraining orders” and “orders of protection” against me. They also used the term “tortious interference” for the business they thought they’d lost because of my ‘badmouthing’ (couldn’t possibly have anything to do with their own rude and irresponsible behavior, poor track record with other clients, many bad reviews online, generally filthy habits, and dangerous/abusive public outbursts, nope, it was all my fault that people did not want to do business with them! LOL!)

Since I was never served with any of that paperwork, I know they were lying. I do not really understand *why* they bother with such a far fetched and elaborate lie.

It’s very possible that they tried to file such things but the court/police/lawyer probably laughed them out the door.

Every nutjob I’ve ever met has always a) fancied themselves to be a legal expert and b) told multiple stories of having ‘sued’ this person, that person, this ex-boss, that ex-best-friend, bla bla bla.

Since they are all a) liars and b) usually one paycheck away from homelessness at any given time & in debt up to their eyeballs, the best thing to do when a Narcissist starts up with the legalistic BS language and threats of legal action, is to laugh in their face and go on about your happy life. They are unhappy crazy people—just leave them to wallow in their mess.

==============

Editing to add: Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com. They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here.

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.

So...I don't have the best organic memory. I don't know if it's some childhood trauma I am blocking which makes me have very little memory at all, or a fall and probable concussion that I do, vaguely, remember happening one summer sometime between the age of 6 and 9. And that's one of the reasons why I've kept a written journal since I was 14. I even have some diaries I kept before that. I keep emails, chat logs, screen caps, voice mail recordings, letters, 'receipts' of all kinds. I have so much 'tea' to spill. So, please stop and consider the value of your smear campaign of lies vs my actual documents. My brain may not work as well as some, but that doesn't mean I have no memories.

Current Mood: annoyed

( You're about to view content that the journal owner has advised should be viewed with discretion. )

Current Mood: Relieved
Current Location: Home
Current Music: Positively 4th Street, Bob Dylan

09-09-2016 at 03:52 PM (27 Views)

I finally realized a really crucial difference between 'normal' and 'CB' --their win/lose/always right mentality. It's not just that.

I mean, nobody wants to lose or be wrong, but where the CB goes off into Crazy-land is not the fact that she's a sore loser, it's the fact that in a situation with a CB, it gets to a point where she just doesn't care whether she wins, her goal becomes making sure her 'enemy' loses. It doesn't matter if she burns down her own house in the process, it doesn't matter if she makes herself look bad, it doesn't matter if she ruins her entire life...as long as her enemy suffers. This really stood out in the CB Lawyer couple story, and once I saw it there, it was easier to see the pattern in less dramatic situations from the news and in real life, personal history, etc.

Normal You and Me might lose and feel bad, but we'd go on about our lives...CB cannot do that. She will shoot herself in the foot repeatedly, as long as she thinks it's hurting YOU. Normal You and Me might go to great lengths to win...but we can never go to the depths that a CB will go to punish a person (for being right, for winning, whatever) and make them LOSE.

08-09-2016 at 02:55 PM (46 Views)

At some point in all the reading and research, I just got worn out and tired of it all. There's not really any new information out there. assholes are assholes. There's no fixing them, no living with them, no stopping them. They are as they are. They gather and discard new victims, join and destroy new groups, run new scams, and just generally go from one garbage pile to the next, burning them all down as they go. *yawn* It's exhausting. I guess it is an OK thing to want to know what creates a BPD and why they do what they do...but at some point, it occurs to one to just say why does it matter, and so what? Maybe all BPD people were abused as children, but not all children who are abused grow up to be BPD. At some point, it seems there is a choice to be made. Or is there? And even if there is....so what?

http://www.themilitantbaker.com/2013/08/the-truth-behind-borderline-personality.html

https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2013/11/29/1251025/-Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Heroic-Martyr-or-Emotional-Vampire

http://www.bpdcentral.com/blog/?Are-You-an-Emotional-Caretaker-34

https://bonnebridges.com/do-you-know-someone-like-this-the-borderline-personality-disorder/

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MB - 08-09-2016 02:59 PM
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I've come to the same conclusion. None of us are responsible for the actions of another person. Nor is it our job to change a person who has no interest in changing. The best we can do is be true to ourselves and to live within the confines of our own conscience.
c_w - 08-09-2016 09:38 PM
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I LOLed at this one, from your first link:

Common thought is that those with BPD are attention seeking, relationship destroying, manipulative assholes. Yeah, no. We struggle with emotional regulation more than others but if you take the simplistic approach that we are just trying to ruin everyone's life, I'll slap you. And not because of my issues, but because you deserve it.
That's essential BPD right there. Blame shift overdrive.
evile - 08-10-2016 09:38 AM
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Originally Posted by c_w
I LOLed at this one, from your first link:

That's essential BPD right there. Blame shift overdrive.
Yep. That blog is a real crapshow. I loved the comments, though. A lot of the commenters aren't buying her BS at all and are calling her on it, on no uncertain terms. That was pretty awesome to read.

07-14-2016 at 11:46 AM

https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/mgmmk4/having-multiple-devoted-boyfriends-is-wonderful-polyandrous-women-confirm

Text of article:

Many women may casually date multiple guys, but some modern-day women are practicing polyandry: having multiple husbands (or, in a contemporary, repurposed definition, several serious or life-long partners).

Polyandry, the female-focused version of polygamy, is technically illegal in the United States; thus, those who practice it do so without literally getting married. "I would say [polyandry] is when a woman has many male partners," says Dr. Denise Renye, a San Francisco-based psychologist who specializes in sex and intimacy.

But that doesn't mean a woman can't dream of putting a ring on those many male partners. "Having multiple husbands was something I had thought about since early adolescence. I even asked my mother about it, and she laughed said it would be way too much work," a 44-year-old woman from Boulder, Colorado, who goes by Jislaaik tells Broadly. Very active in her local kink community as a mistress, Jislaaik is currently seeking three husbands in a scenario she likens to Big Love, only with "a higher level of control and authority on my part, and way better sex."

While some women like Jislaaik relish the chance to celebrate polyandry, other women in polyamorous communities view having multiple male partners as simply an inherent facet of the general polyamorous lifestyle. "Polyandry is polygamy for women. In either case, marriage is the key component that differs it from polyamory. It's not something that is widely discussed in the polyamorous community, unless someone is correcting a misunderstanding," says Effy Blue, a New York City-based life coach who specializes in unconventional relationships.

Blue has multiple male partners herself and says more men offer more emotional support—not to mention the sexual benefits. "My partners have different strengths, styles, points of views, all coming together to be an amazing support network for me. It also provides me different sexual experiences, somewhat eliminating monotony that inevitably happens in all long-term relationships. The variety ultimately keeps all of our sex lives exciting."

Those who are specifically seeking a modern American version of polyandry view the distinction between polyandry and polyamory as one that stems from differing power dynamics. These women want to have multiple male partners, but their men must be completely devoted to them, a different relationship structure than what Blue practices.

“Having multiple husbands was something I had thought about since early adolescence.”

"I tried polyamory first but found that to not work for me at all. The poly world wants you to be completely open. The mono[gamous] world, well, we already know what they want," says a 38-year-old Colorado woman who asked to be called Goddess Andromeda.

"My ex tried really hard to give his power to me. One day he came to me and declared, 'I've lost that subbie feeling,'" says Andromeda, referring to a dominant/submissive relationship. "We tried to work on it until one day he called me late at night and told me that he wanted to be full-on polyamorous for a while. I told him, 'Fine, but it would be without me.' He did not appreciate that and decided that it was too late at night to communicate about it. The next day I gave him his wings to explore."

Like Jislaaik, Andromeda's ideal relationship scenario would be with three husbands. As Andromeda's name suggests, polyandry can contain elements of goddess worship, as well as men's rights activists' worst fear: female superiority. "There is a couple I worked with in couple's therapy. They had a set-up where it was a man and a woman. The woman had other male lovers, and they did a lot of worshipping to Lakshmi," says Dr. Renye. Lakshmi is a Hindu goddess associated with wealth and fortune. "There was an element of in their relationship where it was almost the expression of abundance of wealth through the devotion to Lakshmi, which was symbolized through the devotion to this woman."

Dr. Renye works in San Francisco, and most of the other women spoken to for this article either live in New York City or Colorado. Some women in less progressive areas of the country report difficulties finding men to enter their desired relationship model. "I haven't had the privilege to find my two or three men," says Rachel, a 28-year-old from Georgia, adding that she's been called a slut and whore for bringing the idea up. "I really haven't had too many experiences with [polyandry], as it is very difficult to find a man or men who are open-minded [and] can also deal with the idea of being involved with a woman who has more then one man."

If you're a woman looking for multiple men to devote themselves entirely to you, established communities of polyamory or kink may be your way in, as both promote the communication skills and the open-minded attitude necessary for polyandrous relationships. "Honestly, in the kink community, it might be easier for women to have multiple male partners," says Jislaaik. "I had been hearing from cuckolds and other men who had no problem with the idea of women with multiple partners, while they remained exclusive to her. It's possible, after all."

When asked if she's seen female clients have success at polyandry, Dr. Renye, like Jislaaik, says that most of them had come to the relationship structure through established polyamorous communities. When asked what advice she would give to women seeking polyandrous relationships, Dr. Renye responds, "If that's what's desired, create it—because it's possible, but no matter which people are seeking in love and sex, there is inevitably somebody else out there who is also seeking that."

And what about the men? "To the man, I would call it as a psycho-spiritual development exercise. It would be a practice," she says. "[Observe] his feelings and experience and communicate about it."

And of course, remember to worship your goddess.

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Project 2025 - The Advisory Board List
ugggh
Quora: Narcissist sent a catalog from Fingerhut fetti (not junk because I researched
Quora: How does a narcassist remember, who, what & when they have told lies to?
JD vs AH, final thoughts
hm.
AH vs JD
been trying to pound this one thru my thick skull for the last 20+ years...
"Mourning the mom you deserved"
dreams
Quora: What happens if the narcissist tries to humiliate you in public
Quora: What causes a female narcissist and male malignant narcissist to stalk you
Quora: Is it common for a possible narc to threaten calling the police and your place of employment
Before you start using words like "Liar" and "grudge", please consider:
evilE and the fine art of the grudge
A very delayed light bulb
Nothing new to say....
Well, this made me throw up in my mouth a little....

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