evile

had a video interview last week for a 12 month part time temp role, in person, right up the road. I got word the following day that I'd been chosen for the job. They started my onboarding process that evening, now I'm just waiting for information on when and where to go for my first day. Could be tomorrow. Could be next week. Could be....? never? It feels unreal until it doesn't, ya know?

The place has no dress code or hair color rules, so I may go back to my Covid Witch multicolored hair at some point. fun! And jeans and T shirts if I want. I will probably maintain business casual unless it ends up looking too fussy compared to other folks in the office.

Our black lab/basset mix, Boba, is having some itchy paw and itchy ear stuff going on. His paw was very red last night and he wouldn't stop licking it so I put the cone on him before bed. Called the vet today and the first appointment they had was wednesday afternoon. If I'm working, Thax can take him. In the meantime, we've been told to just try to keep it clean and dry and don't put any human medicine on it.

Brother A. is in Bastrop working at a gig he got for himself, cleaning up and repainting a 'life size' cement dinosaur. So I walked all 4 dogs by myself today. It worked out fine.

I have to get to the grocery store for dinners for the week. And look for a birthday card for my sister H.

The pool at the park near our house is officially open as of today! So I'll go to the pool once I'm back from the grocery store.

And that's my life right now. whee.

I turned 56. haven't won the lottery. had a job interview yesterday for a part time Tuesday-Thursday onsite position at 'big fruit' headquarters. Nothing exciting, but I'd take it if it was offered. The person who was placed at the job didn't show up on their first day (5/26) so everyone is scrambling to fill the position, both the temp agency and the internal people, because there's work stacking up.The manager conducting the interview seemed a bit 'hands off' as in 'oh, i have people who do that,' when I asked specific questions about the job, so it seems i'll be handed off to someone who actually knows the nuts and bolts to shadow them and learn the processes. She also said that I'd be able to come in on Mondays or Fridays to do data entry tasks if needed, so I could potentially turn this into a 40 hour a week gig instead of 24. Though I'm happy with part time. I don't *need* a lot of money. I just want it. But part time would pay my way just fine. And 'big fruit' is cool in that there are no dress codes or hair color rules so I could have a bit of fun with that. And hours are pretty flexible, I asked what the normal work day schedule was and the manager was like *shrug* ...apparently she lives an hour away so she spends her mornings in meetings at home and then drives in to the office later, but she thinks most of the office does a 9-6.Didn't seem to be terribly concerned about it. Anyway I should know something by end of today.

Housemate Sam is supposedly signing a lease and getting into her new apartment in July. We will see. Her older cat died and now she just has one cat. The catbox odor is somewhat less but still noticable when you come in the front door because her room and the catbox(es?) are directly to the left as you enter. The front entryway has always been a little bit wierd about collecting house smells and not being a pleasant place. The ceiling is low there and there's no air flow, so the entryway is always stagnant. My little air freshener is doing alright but it's usb battery powered so it only works for a couple of days and then I have to remember to re charge it and I don't always do so.

Last night she was in an expansive mood, so she ran us through her greatest hits grievance list. We got to hear about John and Conrad, the managers who fired her from the video store, and her old friend/coworker/bad tenant Melissa who rented half a duplex from her and her husband and then apparently got a roommate who she charged the full rent price to, effectively getting to live 'for free' ... I mean, the price is the price. I don't know why Sam got mad about it if she was getting paid. But whatever. a new nugget of that story came out: apparently she and her now deceased husband felt like they had to take Melissa in because she was in an abusive relationship so she needed a place to go. Sam said "I think that guy [name, don't remember] is dead now. Didn't you tell me he had died?" (to me).... I was like "I have met Melissa twice in my life, why would I know that about her ex?"..... it was very odd. She talks about all of these people from her past as though I ought to know who they are, but for the most part I do not. I recognize a few names from the steampunk / beer brass and bs/ Unobtanium crowd stories but none from her bad tenants, bad friends, old job, old renfair buds stories. She is just delivering monologues, it's not usually required that I know who or what she is talking about. Very reminiscent of when 'skye' used to come over and deliver "The Great And Wonderful ME!" show all evening. Skyes stories are sometimes 'the bad people what done me wrong' but mostly 'everyone but me is stupid, and everyone was doing stupid things and I came in and saved the day'....tedious but in a different way. Come to think of it, brother A's ex wife was also like that, talking about various people as though everyone should know who she's talking about. Her mom was also like that. uggh. what is it about these narcisssitic self centered people?? Please god never let me be that tedious.

Sam told another 'bad renter' story about some guy who put holes in the wall because he was allegedly wiring the place for sound and then never finished, and how they'd given him a break on the rent because he was a contractor who had agreed to help them do some repairs and improvements and never did, and "Oh, I wish I had all the money I lost on thos e people,"....to my mind, having her share (over 250K) of her deceased husband's stepdads' property sales more than makes up for whatever breaks she gave people 20 years ago on a $500/month rent, BUT. Sam never seems to see or appreciate the immense good luck and lucky breaks she gets, she only sees that the world is out to get her and everything and everyone has fucked her over for her entire life. Fair enough. Everyone's life is full of those kind of stories, too.

If nothing else, having her around singing her song of misery and perfidy reminds me to be more mindful of my own complaints and victim mentality and to try harder to be positive and appreciate everything that is good and has gone well for me.

I got my first quote yesterday on a new roof for the house. I was thinking of coated metal that looks like shingles but lasts for 50 years...$50,000. Dayum. I talked it over with Thax and we both agree we need to get a few more quotes. I mean, if that's what it costs, then we'll figure it out but there's no need to let ourselves get fucked over by not exploring options.

And I guess that's all the news.

Sister H. sent me a template of the legal form she's going to send out in advance of giving everyone their share of mom and stepdad's money, but hasn't actually sent the form to everyone yet. Brother A. quit his job in December in anticipation of getting his money real soon and is really scraping the bottom of the barrel. He's too proud to say anything but I know he's out of cash. He had a contract gig to repaint a giant dinosaur at a dinosaur park in Bastrop but it's been raining and whatnot so he hasn't been able to start on that so he's not gotten paid for it either. sigh. If he's going to be in business for himself, he's going to have to hustle and have a lot more movement going on, lots of projects in the pipeline to keep the money flowing in. I don't think he has the cognitive 'spoons' to manage all those moving parts, he's a 'focus on one thing til its done' person. For that matter, so am I. But that doesn't seem to be conducive to an entrepreneurial position.

anyhoo...not my problem I dont' respond to dry begging, I dont' solve problems I'm not specifically asked to help solve. (I do, and I have in the past, but i am trying very hard not to do that anymore. It just makes bad feelings for all concerned.)

I turned 56 yesterday. I woke up around 7:30, made grits with shrimp, bacon, butter, and garlic for breakfast. I was going to do some eggs or ask Thax to, but it was a lot of food so we skipped the eggs. Thax made coffee. We fed dogs and walked them and just had an easy morning at home. Then we went and did early voting, got a lotto ticket, and then went to Contrast at Casa de Luz on the east side. (https://www.contrastatx.com/). The cold plunge was like 46 degrees. and the sauna was 148-150. I could have done with hotter hot and also not as cold cold. It's funny what one can adjust to. Thax did better with the cold than I did but it wasn't my favorite. I'm sure it was good for me though :) My knee and ankle are much less complainy. We got lunch at a nearby taco truck and took it home to eat and have beers. We took a little nap and then got up and went to supper with my aunt L, uncle B, Cousin B, and brother A at Maudie's. I had veggie enchiladas and a margarita. Brother A. did a sort of annoying thing where he orders one thing from the menu but asks them to add other stuff...and then complains after the fact if they get it wrong or charge extra.... well, English isn't always their first language, and of course they charge extra, but also he's not paying, so...ugh. I don't know why he's so high maintenance. The waitress had apparently surmised that it was my birthday and wanted to bring a free piece of tres leches cake. A. tried to get her not to, telling her I don't like it, but luckily enough other people were talking to her at the same time (!!) that she either didn't hear or didn't understand. But it turns out the tres leches was frozen so they didn't bring it. The point being...when something is offered for free, one graciously accepts, takes a bite, and then offers it to the person or persons who really like it (Aunt L) but A totally missed out on that point of etiquette, I guess. Or m aybe I am wrong. I don't know.

Anyway, it was a good day. Mostly for spending time ratting around Austin with my husband, and spending time with Family. I got some nice presents but honestly 'stuff' at this point in life is just....stuff I have to find a place to put it after I open it and write the thank you notes. LOL. 'the things you own, own you,' as they say. I continue to wish I could declutter and continue to not be able to do so.

In other news, my recruiter from my last good job, the hybrid work project that ended feb 2025, texted to let me know there is an opening at the same place, a 6 month to hire situation. I sent her my updated resume and hopefully I'll be working there again. This time I will do my best to get in the door full time permanent and not let myself be distracted by nonsense.

I applied for a part time job downtown, it's monday thru friday 10am to 3pm and has free parking for me, so it's all the nice stuff about working downtown and none of the shitty commute traffic.

I got an email from linkedin about jobs and one of them is a job I interviewed for in late December; I hit it off really well with the person who would have been my boss/trainer. They told me they were neurodivergent and sometimes come off as too rude or direct and I was like "Not a problem, I prefer direct communication without any office politics nonsense," but my asking rate was more than they were allowed to offer, so they said they'd talk with management and see what they could do. Then I had a fun back-and-forth with their director of hiring operations who told me the pay rates in Austin were artificially inflated and that the company was too small to pay that...so I said "well, if you can't adjust on pay, can you adjust on allowing remote work or a non standard schedule," and that was also a no, so I said goodbye and good luck.

Anyway, I guess whoever they hired in December/January didn't work out and they're looking to hire a replacement. LOL. Shoulda just hired me at the rate I was asking for, it was only a couple bux more an hour. Save so much money posting, interviewing, hiring, onboarding, training, allll of that bs. I could have been in there doing good work for them. Their loss. Feeling a bit of schadenfreude about that.

Anyhoo...I got some scratch off lottery tickets from L&B and I also bought some for the drawing on my actual birthday, so I should check on all of those. Maybe I won't have to go back to work at all. LOL.

Oh, and housemate Sam's older cat passed away yesterday; she was 16 and it wasn't unexpected but still sad.

Current Mood: amused

its my birthday tomorrow. Husband is taking the day off work

I booked us a sauna and cold plunge room together to try

it's also early voting/ runoff elections

and I want to try Cosmic Saltillo

and then we have dinner plans with aunt L and uncle B, cousin B, brother A. Housemate Sam is invited of course but she is dealing with a sick cat that she thinks will be dying any minute. :( so....probably she will stay home.

we are supposed to be having lots of rain...but right now it is clear blue skies and getting hot out there.

job hunting continues. no luck yet.

California Chocolate is awful.

Scent description: A special edition made in honor of the 2013 San Francisco Chocolate and Fragrance Salon, it’s a luscious and seductive gourmand scent that reflects the bright, sunny atmosphere of California. You can’t help smiling when you smell it! Released 2013. Notes: wild orange, grapefruit, yuzu, white cognac, neroli, dark chocolate, patchouli, gourmand musk, and Bourbon vanilla.

On me: Orange, like orange peel or orange juice. Very bright, but immediately on top of that is something foul. Like when the dog comes in from the yard and it's rolled in something you can't identify as either a long-dead something or a very old piece of poop. Musty, foul. Eventually settles down into something that smells like an old church --old varnished wood and books and dusty carpet. Unpleasant. And also I am allergic to something, my head and nose became stuffed up and I got a wicked headache. The only good thing is that it doesn't last long on me, it fades to nothing after a short but agonizing time Tossing this one in the bin.

Kyphi is not much better.

website description: Based on the common themes that run throughout various ancient formulas for the Egyptian incense that was burned to welcome the night, this version of Kyphi is a 100% natural mix of resins, essential oils, and absolutes, a liquid version of the incense formula that can be worn as an uplifting and offbeat perfume and is especially well suited for meditation, yoga, or other activities that require concentration. 100% natural. Released 2011. Notes: frankincense, myrrh, benzoin, labdanum, beeswax, spikenard, henna, lemongrass, wild orange, calamus, cassia, cyperus, saffron, juniper berry, and spices.

On me: the long dead something the dog rolled in hits first. I suspect this is the perfume maker's 'secret sauce' that perhaps forms the base of many of their scents, regardless of what they say the 'scent notes' are. The 'musk' that they base the rest of the perfume upon, perhaps? Eventually it becomes beeswax and sawdust. Then just sawdust. I don't mind the smell of sawdust but it's a bit of a disappointment.

Mardi Gras is complicated, but in the end, unlikeable and unwearable.

scent notes from the website: Every year in late winter New Orleans puts on a grand party like no other. It’s a rainbow-hued, glittering, skanky, riotous, celebration of everything there is to celebrate, flowing in and out like a shiny snake amidst the flower-strewn, humidity-drenched, decaying streets of the French Quarter. Mardi Gras may present a polite, rich veneer of real orange blossom and vanilla, like a southern belle delicately munching on a beignet dusted with powdered sugar, but behind the pretty, festive costume are dark undercurrents of voodoo and hoodoo, midnight rituals and outrageous secrets that can only be unleashed under the protective camouflage of the innocent-looking mask. Released 2015. Notes: Orange blossom, neroli, cistus, benzoin, vanilla, civet, special musk blend.

On me: a blast of orange blossom, super sweet. Then the undead thing the dog rolled in rears its head. This must be the 'special musk blend'. sweetness, not quite real vanilla, something like a can of frosting, but still the unbearable sweet floral and the kick in the nose of the dead thing. the notes clash and confuse, refusing to settle down into an accord. I wanted to like this so much and I do NOT. I feel like it needs something else to bring everything together. Maybe patchouli or ?

and on to my freebie: Carolina.

A sweet floral-gourmand fougere-type scent reminiscent of the American South takes you from a day spent among sun-warmed pine woods, grassy fields, and roadsides sprinkled with wildflowers through lunch in a diner that serves iced sweet tea and fresh-baked banana bread, into a warm, humid night sweetened with the scent of night-fragrant flowers and the persistent undercurrent of tonka-rich tobacco curing in the wooden barns and historic red brick factories. Released 2010. Notes: longleaf pine, hay absolute, magnolia, kudzu flower, tea, honeysuckle, star jasmine, vanilla, tonka, and tobacco leaf.

On me: actually not bad. generic white floral with a little bit of the hay/vanilla to make it less cloying. Not bad. Clean, floral, simple. Not one I'd choose to wear often, it's not really 'me' but it's OK

Current Mood: disappointed

been abusing the plastic a bit.....it's one of my depressive coping mechanisms. not great.

I ordered some wax melts from Bewilderment. Their marketing and naming conventions are funny and fun, their actual product is a little weak. Nothing terrible, and their petrichor is dead-on when you smell the wax directly but not a lot of 'throw', it doesn't spread too far from the wax warmer.

I got: Grey Sweatpants, Petrichor, Dragon Breath, Bedtime Goddess and Fuck Ice. Funny enough Fuck Ice seems to be a dupe for Scentsy "Eskimo Kisses" which was rebranded to "Polar Bear Hug" when it turned out 'Eskimo' is a slur...

The house is smelling a little better these days, anyway. Housemate Sam has paused her apartment hunting due to a flare up of 'ankylosing spondylitis' which in Sam speak is "my eyes are red and inflamed and I'm sure it has nothing to do with smoking mj and living in a small room with two catboxes 23 hours a day'...but whatever.

I have a 2nd interview tomorrow for a well paying part time job that will get me out of the house and have some money coming in. Plus a recruiter called for another part time job that I could do along with the other one for a total of 40 hrs. And I got a request for yet another canned video interview with a place up the street where I've applied several times, gotten a few interviews, but have not yet managed to haul my carcass across the finish line. 34th times a charm!! honestly, full time work may not be what I want anymore. But I'm keeping all options on the table until I have an actual offer and an actual job.

And today I got an order in from Olympic Orchids. Someone on reddit had recommended Mardi Gras (Orange blossom, neroli, cistus, benzoin, vanilla, civet, special musk blend.). I just put it on. It's...a lot. I am not yet sure if I like it or not. I got the 5 ml travel spray because I was so sure I'd love it...eeeee. we'll see if it settles down.

I got a sample of Kyphi : frankincense, myrrh, benzoin, labdanum, beeswax, spikenard, henna, lemongrass, wild orange, calamus, cassia, cyperus, saffron, juniper berry, and spices. (I will probably like this one best), a sample of California Chocolate, wild orange, grapefruit, yuzu, white cognac, neroli, dark chocolate, patchouli, gourmand musk, and Bourbon vanilla. and they sent me a free sample of Carolina. Scent notes: longleaf pine, hay absolute, magnolia, kudzu flower, tea, honeysuckle, star jasmine, vanilla, tonka, and tobacco leaf.-- pretty sure I'm not going to like that one.

anyhoooooooo

Another broken timeline dream. the timeline appeared to be broken by geographical lines, like the timeline in two different states was different. In my dream, brother A and I drove to Indiana to visit sister H. She was in the parents' Greencastle house and Mom was upstairs, in bed. Still not doing well, but alive. A and I were confused because in our timeline that we remembered, she had passed in June last year, but in H's Indiana timeline she was alive and H was living in the house and taking care of her....I told Mom about it and she laughed, and she loved the part where I heard otherworldly singing/chanting when she passed in the other timeline. I think she said "Oh, beautiful!" or something along those lines.

H's two best friends, J and C were there, and they'd made two versions of some traditional dish, one 'northern/yankee' and one 'southern' and they were doing taste test. It was like pot roast and sides vs pulled pork and sides. For whatever reason, we were all drinking whiskey with the taste test supper. Like, glasses of straight whiskey. Maybe ice.

Also in that dream, my friend Bad Pat was there in the Greencastle house and I was asking him questions about his life and my life to see if we were from the same original time line. From his answers, we were not. In his timeline, I had married some other guy earlier in my timeline than I got married in my own timeline. He only had 2 kids and I was some kind of successful creative, and apparently in his timeline when we were in our 20's I'd made him a 'breakup video' using some line of kids' toys (little demon rock star girl dolls whose tails changed color depending on their mood?) as stop motion animation figures, and he'd saved it for years and posted it on his facebook and all his friends had criticized the video because of stuff like labeling, titles, and 'metadata' were not there or were not correct and he was upset about that. I dunno. Weird stuff.In my timeline we never 'dated' we just did stupid kid stuff but nothing serious.

I dunno. It was a weirdly real dream, kind of creepy, kind of sad. I liked talking with my mom. While we were talking, she was walking around her room, and standing by the window looking up and out at the cloudy sky. I could tell that she wanted to be out of that room.

rainy and dark all day; I really wanted to just stay in bed. But then a dog puked on the comforter, so there went that plan. "not awakey can't mistakey"...I'm just so tired of being alive. unemployed. fat. stupid. Just tired of all of it. I ate a tamale and a lot of candy. Watched about an hour of an excel tutorial I'm trying to get through (7 hrs...uggggh)

Housemate had an apartment complex she was working with but the final walk through for the apartment she wanted got rescheduled twice and now they won't return her calls...so she's on to the next place. Going to visit there Thursday and then hopefully she'll have a new place squared away. first floor apt, no stairs to deal with, all good.

weiner dog races this weekend in buda or kyle or someplace....

there's a steampunk fest in Eureka Springs. Wish i had the $ and a plan to go...oh well.

president wants to nuke iran and apparently despite all best efforts of the regime there are still military members in place who won't push the button. Hm. or so the story is going. who knows what the reality is.

No justice for any of Epstein's victims.

they discovered a website with 62 million hits in a single month; dudes talking about, showing pictures of, drugging and raping their female SOs. trading advice on which drugs to use, and how to make sure she's really unconscious before raping and / or letting other dudes rape her.

I am so sick of men. Just fucking end the world already. fuck it all.

tired and sad tired and sad tired and sad.

Current Mood: sad

I want a pool.

i had a dream that is really sticking with me. in my dream, reality was breaking down. I was a bridesmaid at my friend J-law's wedding and we had just gotten to the reception and started circulating and having fun, when reality shifted (as It does) and we went to a new reality where the bride had died in an accident as a child. The truly broken part was that we all still remembered both realities; the one we had just experienced with a happy occasion and a beautiful ceremony and all of us dressed up in this incredible gorgeous venue with fairy lights and tulle and champagne and a live quartet playing, and the one where our friend had never had a chance to grow up and meet most of us, fall in love, etc. the groom was absolutely griefstricken and just absolutely gutted...it was so terrible. I tried to console him by saying at least we had one last beautiful perfect day with her, and nothing could take that away from him....but now that I'm awake, that was probably a pretty terrible thing to say.

And then I was at an airport with Thax, that halfway through trying to find our gate, I guess reality shifted and I suddenly remembered the layout because I'd travelled frequently through this place before (very 70's colors, decor, fonts for gate numbers and names of airlines, etc.) , so I was taking us to the gate we needed, but then reality shifted again as we got to the 'gate' and instead of a gate it was like a garden path that led out to a field near a body of water, and the 'airplane' technology had been replaced by something that I didn't know, like sort of an organic helicopter bubble thing? so there was no more need for airports and runways and so travel nexuses were just these nice garden paths where you'd follow the path to the designated circle and wait for your bubble copter creature to pick you up.  So wierd.

In my dream, these shifts were happening more and more often and most people  were able to remember both the reality we'd just shifted from and the reality we were currently occupying. It was a real brain melter.

==========

Today is new moon in Aries and a bunch of planets doing stuff....supposedly this means new beginnings and fresh starts and lot of energy to get shit done.

I have allergies and headache and tiredness. The Aries new moon is supposed to be a time when y ou clarify what you really want and get after it, but I can't honestly think of anything I 'really want' or even who I 'really am'  or 'really want to be'. Let alone what I'd be willing to do in order to get there. I'm just tired and done.

I do kind of wish I knew any local activist groups to get involved with; I wish I could go to the Dilley detention center with a huge group of people and scream the place down, like the fucking walls of Jericho.  But I don't know anyone. Texas, especially Austin of all fucking places, has seemed relatively complacent to the presence of ICE and the crackdown on unhoused people and all of these terrible things you'd think a hippy blue liberal town would be against. But..nope. I don't really see or hear anything about it. Then again I know social media is skewed and suppressed and censored. And I know that the real news is, too. I have no idea how to find my people or be involved. :/  I call my shithead senators. I vote. I bitch on my bluesky and my facebook. very useful, me.

Current Mood: lethargic

I want everything on this website.

Or I just want to visit New Orleans and go to their store.

So...housemate has somehow added the aroma of cabbage or broccoli [edit to add: it was apparently a baked potato. with, I guess broccoli and cheese on it?] to the catbox and MJ melange at the front door. It is unconscionable.

I went to Trader Joe's and HEB so I've been out of the house for a lot of today. Housemate isn't particularly friendly to me when it's just us. Which is fine. Just a big change from her behavior in front of my husband. I got some more air freshener for the front entryway. sigh.

She told me this affternoon that she realizes she's overstayed her welcome and that she is sorry she asked me for help. (or she regrets asking me for help? something like that) It's either manipulation or sincerity but either way, I had no reply. It would be rude to agree and it would be lying to disagree. I just told her that I was disappointed that none of her other local friends seem to have stepped up or reached out. She said something about how people are busy living their own lives and she understands. But not even just to offer to socialize... then again, I do recall that one of her high school friends was going to be in town during spring break and reached out and housemate turned her down (she was feeling sick that week, I think, puking a lot)

Other than one couple, who invited her (and us) to a friday after thanksgiving gathering (we went), and for a new years gathering (I think Husband and I had something else going on, and housemate didn't go. I guess she didn't want to drive herself or uber or anything)

I mean, yeah, we all have lives and stuff going on. But I dont' think much of the people she came back to Austin because she supposedly had such a good bunch of people here and loves this town*so much*....

She organized one get together at a bar down south. it was me, the couple that's invited us over a couple of times, and one other couple. But as far as I know that's it from them.

My mom dying last June, and the ongoing unemployment fiasco has really knocked the wind out of my sails. I don't seem to have many 'spoons' for other people. When I heard about my mom, I was at housemate's storage unit, having driven her in her car (I don't remember why I was asked/expected to drive?) She was relentlessly self centered through that news and I don't th ink she said one kind or sympathetic thing. I said my mom was gone, and she started in with a continuation of her monologue about how was she going to do this or get that, and I was just like . "My mom just died, can you please give me a fucking break?" and then I guess I drove her back to the house, got in my bug and went to San Marcos for the rest of the day to some of my mom's college stomping grounds.(and the check engine light came on as I was making the trip to or from...ugh) Anyway, damn. I guess housemate's deal is that she is a widow whose husband died suddenly and unexpectedly and she had a terrible fall and was in her basement for days and she's had all these health things so she feels entitled to center herself in every situation because her pain and distress are greater than anyone else's. I mean, yeah, those are terrible things. But I feel like she really showed me who she is at that moment and I really was done at that moment because while I am a good person (codependent doormat) who goes above and beyond for friends and family who are in trouble and need help, the one time I might have needed some kindness and care...she didn't have it to give. And do I really want or need one sided relationships? I'd rather have no relationships

I know I haven't had the best relationship with my mom, and her dying was a blessing considering the state she had been in for the last couple years, but still. Anyway, once you see someone's true colors like that...hard to bother with giving a shit about them anymore. Insufferable main character syndrome.

I don't see myself as main character syndome. I mean, my life is important to me. but most of the time I'm happy to listen to other people and not need to be center stage. But, yeah...sometimes I need care and attention too.

though I suspect I've trained/conditioned all of the people in my life to need and depend on me and not expect me to ever need or depend on them. I am not great with boundaries. I give and do and give and do..and then I'm done and the door slams and people are left out in the cold going 'wtf' because I probably didn't say anything before I slammed the door in their faces and turned them out.

oh well. I'm going to be 56 years old soon. I suspect this is who I am and that I won't be having too many close friendships or relationships from here until the end. It's probably not healthy to be thinking "i'd rather be alone than stuck doing and giving to people who don't give a shit about me," it does seem to my smart brain that there is some middle path of reciprocal relationship and healthy interdependence...but I haven't found or created that for myself in my relationships so I don't think it's going to be a thing in my life.

anyhoo....housemate has been working with an apartment complex to do a final walk thru of a place she likes and start the moving process. It will be good to have an empty room to use to put things as we have flooring done in the rest of the house, when there's money again.

Job hunting continues. I have no hope in that area whatsoever. Spot silver is $80/oz. I have some silver coins my father left to me, should it come to that.

I fed and walked dogs, halfass made the bed ( Pepita dog was in the bed 'helping' so it's not the best job ever), swept and mopped in the kitchen and dining area, loaded and ran the dishwasher, had leftover pizza and instant coffee for breakfast. I think I remembered to take my vitamins. I'm going to lunch with my aunt L. tomorrow, and Thursday is Sunny dog's vet checkup.

Current Mood: blah

last night/this morning's dream:

I was going to a live performance of the Rocky Horror Picture show. It was somehow also interactive? Anyway, I was all dressed up in fishnets and glittery stuff and whatever, and went to my ex friend X's house because apparently that's where there was a shuttle that would take you to the performance location (which was not publicized?) One of the people in the golf cart/convertible/open air vehicle with me going to the show was this lady Joanna, who was a huge Rocky fan for many years and used to take tons and tons of photos every weekend of cast and people. I don't know if she even ever was able to afford to pick up all of them (this was old times, where you'd take your film to Target or wherever and then go pick up the prints) and she made scrapbooks of the photos, had tons and tons of them. These days she is one of my facebook friends, she doens't go out of her house anymore, she lives in one room of her house and her husband works and takes care of her. They have a lot of cats. I remember their apartment from back in the day wasa catbox stench from hell.... at some point I'd thought about reaching out to her to see if they were interested in having a roommate, but I never did. Putting one dysfunctional cat box person into another dysfunctional cat box dynamic would be unkind to all concerned, I think.

ANyhoooooo, in my dream Joanna was one of the people in the lttiel shuttle going to the performance, and I guess my exfriend X was somehow in charge of some part of it? In rl, i would have seen her and left, but in my dream I went to the show. I think X's daughter was also involved somehow.

So I get to the show and the audience is part of the 'transylvanians' who are in the lab scene, and the lab is this big open area/stage, with this kind of metal mesh cage around it, and the cage is multilevels so the audience goes up the metal stairs and stands on the upper level, looking down at the show, kind of? or on the stairs, if they want. I started making out iwth one of the performers in this 'locker room' sort of area and ended up accidentally spiling a bunch of perfume oil all over everything in the locker and myself and him in the heat of the moment....I said something about him finding me beautiful or us being two beautiful people and he stopped and said "no, I never said you were beautiful, I just said you were fuckable," or something to that effect....and I was just so offended and ashamed that I walked away from him and from the show.

It was not a great-feeling dream. In this dream, of course, I wasn't the me that I am now, I was younger me. 20s or so. I remember being very hung up back then on being upset about people who didn't like me for who I was but only seemed to want to fuck me. I didn't realize I even gave a shit about that anymore, being old and unbeautiful and unfuckable these days and it's rather a relief from all of that nonsense.

two of the three open jobs are now closed and I got a boilerplate rejection email about them, but the third one that I actually interviewed for is still showing me as 'under consideration'...I'd like to be working again.

Housemate has found an apartment complex she likes, in her old area of town that she lived in before moving to CO 10-15 yrs ago, with shopping and restaurants and a branch of her medical providers in easy distance. Final walk through is scheduled for next week, then she'll be moving her stuff in increments, hopes to be done by June if not before.

today's conversation was her offering to help clean, organize in my work room, and unsolicited, unwanted advice for back yard patio repairs that need doing. *

If she was able or willing to help clean and organize, perhaps offering to do it sometime in the last *year* she has been living here would have been better timing.

she's also offered to come dogsit next time we go out of town on a cruise or vacation. Nevermind the fact that the last time we left, over a four day weekend, we came back to the dogs having no water in any of their bowls. (there's a big gravity-fed bottle that the dogs ignore religously. I can't say I blame them, it catches dust and since it never gets used it just gets slimy. I clean it out occasionally but they don't ever drink out of it. They could have if they were despereate enough, though. Still. Not ideal) and of course she doesn't have the physical strength to walk them so it's not really a good fit, as far as pet sitting goes.

I know my house is a mess and my yard needs upgrades and repairs. I don't care to be lectured about it by anyone. especially her, of all people.

Anyway, glad she's getting on with her life.

Brother A is still spinning castles in the clouds. I feel sure that he will have burned through all realtors in the area he wants to move to, before he even has inheritance $ in hand to actually spend on anything. He is spinning himself up with ideas about getting 'the owner' to do this or that, working with this or that organization or business or art studio, they'll say this and he'll do that, and bla bla bla...none of it is real. And when you suggest something practical, (ie: get a space and sublet rooms to other artists for their studio space so you'll have money coming in whether you are selling your art or not) he will spin up another story about what that imaginary person will do or say and why that suggestion won't work.

He also has a persistent saying about how the things that work for other people, don't work for him, and the things that work for him dont' work for other people. I am wondering what evidence he has that anything he's done has ever 'worked' for him, or what 'success' looks like or feels like from his perspective. I don't see much in the way of results. He's worked several jobs since getting out of prison in 2022, all low paying and aggravating and or short term. He liked working for the seasonal haunted house but I think overall it was too much work and not enough money and of course they didn't recognize his creativity and bla bla bla, he didn't get into the inner circle so he is going to do his own thing and be his own inner circle with all of his friends from before he went to prison, who are somehow going to magically get on board with helping him do his creative things...which none of them have done yet, or seemed willing to do.

What housemate and brother A. have in common was that all their Austin Friends just haven't kept room for them in their lives, they've all moved on and are doing their own things now. It's not a cruelty so much as a fact of life. I used to come back to Austin to visit when I was in college and every visit, fewer and fewer people made time for me. It hurts and sucks but that's the way things work. People don't hold space for you forever, they move on. They have their own stuff going on. Friendships take regular effort and outreach, and mutuality. Brother A and housemate don't really seem to get that not everyone is up for hanging out and just playing 'adoring audience' for their rambling train of thought for however long they want to go on about it. I don't really hang out with friends outside the home anymore, and I don't particularly want to, BUT the thing I can say I do have to offer in a friendship is that I listen and converse. It's not a monologue of health issues or a rundown of some horrible news story or a play by play of a thing I just watched on TV, or a bunch of nonsense about my creative empire that doesn't exist, it's an actual listen and respond and ask questions and give and take sort of thing. Maybe people just dont' do that anymore. I dunno.

My own job hunting hasn't yielded any results. I'm still showing 'active' on a few jobs I applied to at a large bureaucracy (not the state) but these jobs were supposed to be starting in April so....maybe they're going to close them out and maybe they won't. For that matter, I have a job I applied to on the community college website I applied to in 2024 that is showing as pending or still 'under consideration', so *wanking motion*

On the plus side, I've started taking my triple reuptake inhibitor (mental health med) again after a long time of not bothering, I've got a good vitamin routine, and I've started to get some kind of daily exercise in addition to walking dogs morning and evening. I will be happy when the local pool opens again, housemate and I would walk down there every afternoon and walk up and down in the shallower end of the pool every day, for a while. That was good.

Cruise in October, if the world is still here. Will be asking Brother A. or maybe Cousin B. to watch the dogs for us.

===========
* come to think of it, this unsolicited 'fix your shit' advice from her is reminding me of crazy messiah complex girl who temporarily wanted to be in A's room and painted it up all crazy. She was trying to recruit me into being one of her army of 'counselors' who was going to help people using her mental health dojo techniques, and then told me 'there are people' who will clean my house (for free? in exchange for 'healing'?)...miss me with that bullshit. The whitey bourgeouse of it "Oh, there are PEOPLE for that," as if keeping my own home to my own standards of cleanliness is some kind of menial thing that "PEOPLE" can be used to do. fuck her and fuck that. I may at some point be too old or physically incapable of such things, but i"ll never be "too good" to scrub a toilet or a dish.

I finally got some good sleep last night. mmmm. so good. Husband made coffee and pigs in a blanket. also so good!

We took the opportunity to walk dogs a while ago, between rain showers. I took along some 'volunteer' trees that the squirrels had planted in my keyhole garden (an oak and a pecan) and planted them in the park. I also took some wildflower and clover mix seeds to sprinkle here and there. I hope they sprout and grow. We had scattered bluebonnet seeds on the walk to the park in previous years and we had at least one or maybe two gorgeous wildflower years, but I think last year or year before, the city mowed before they could go to seed so that's not happening this spring. It's not a great year for bluebonnets this year, anyway. I guess the winter was too dry, and maybe not enough freezes to really make the bluebonnets decide to rock n roll (I don't know if they need a freeze or not, some plants and seeds do. bulbs, for sure. ) Anyway....not a great year for wildflowers in our yard or on the greenbelt sort of area between our house and the park. pretty sparse. We have some pink primroses/buttercups in the front yard. will wait to mow until they go to seed.

Um...I got another rejection from the company where i had my last good contract over a yr ago. But I have a phone interview Monday for a part time position that sounds OK, at a different insurance broker type company. It's part time to start and may or will go full time after a year, and the pay isn't what I want but it's not as bad as what I made at the state of TX, either. I don't really care anymore. I just need some kind of regular schedule and some money coming in.

Here's some additions to my wishlist. I look at stuff a lot while I'm depressed and feeling 'poor'. We are OK. Husband is working, housemate paid a year's rent in advance, I got some $ from the social security administration as one of my mom's heirs, we are getting a tax refund from the IRS. We are OK.

anyhoo....'windows shopping' is a thing I do when I am depressed/stressed/blabla, so here's the latest:

https://byza.com/products/runes

https://heathealer.com/products/sauna-dome

https://polardiveusa.com/products/the-polar-dive

https://podcompany.com/products/the-sauna-pod-free-ice-pod

https://ambreblends.com/products/sample-pack-of-all-five-essences

https://oldsoulartisan.com/products/tealightsampler

https://meltdownstherapy.com/products/fall-nights-maximum-scented-wax-melt-bonfire

& a vacation

https://www.1ofakindbeachhouses.com/?fbclid=IwY2xjawQEjUZleHRuA2FlbQIxMABicmlkETBieDB0YW1zTUJ1eTZReEZsc3J0YwZhcHBfaWQQMjIyMDM5MTc4ODIwMDg5MgABHg0U_zsR-z33te47NbG1rEIH_gYlsBKmkO139CLfEQBgh7vvF6hrTolHCjZv_aem_2xJBQDU9CRdV7VWlOSKIkQ

as one may surmise, I like perfumes and nice smelling things.

I'm also constantly trying to improve the odor of this house. we have dogs, which make things musty, but the main thing that bothers me is housemate's catboxes. There are no electric outlets in the entry or hallway of the house, and no air vents, so the air in those areas stays rancid at all times. And the hallway leads to the bathroom, which is also not vented to the central air system so things get musty and mildewy smelling in there too...so there is one point in the hallway between the front door and the bathroom where Eau de Catbox and Stench du Mildew combine for a truly horrific nasal journey. I have a wax melter in my workroom/craftroom which opens to the hallway and that can sometimes help but often just contributes to the funk in its own awful way. Le sigh.

I did find this thing on amzon and I bought it (shame shame) and put it on the shelf in the entryway. It is usb battery powered. the battery lasts for a couple of days before it needs a charge. It actually scents the air pretty well and is fighting the catbox stench that punches you in the face when you walk in the front door. It's also possible that housemate is taking better care of the catbox. She's been pretty energized the last few days. She even wen tto look at apartments yesterday! woot! I know she's depressed and in mourning for her husband...I feel bad for her, but doing things even when sh e doesn't want to is definitely better for her than what she's been doing. So I hope she continues forward momentum. And I hope she eventually reconnects with more of her local freinds than she has in the last year she's been with us.

she also asked if we'd be willing to adopt her dog. I said sure, I was going to offer to keep him anyway because I know apartments are often strict about pets, number of pets, expensive pet deposits, etc. two cats are going to be plenty for her to move with. Plus she doesn't feed him or walk him, because she doesn't feed or walk herself or keep a regular schedule for herself. Which is fine for her and her cats, I guess, but dogs need a routine, and he's done well since he's been here. Likes running in the backyard with the other pups, likes to walk, has lost a little weight, seems to be bonded really well with my husband especially (he was her husband's dog more than hers, so that tracks)

anyhoo....life is good. rain is good. sleep is good.

everything will be Ok, one way or another. either the world gets better, ends, or I will die soon enough. Nothing is worth fussing over that much, in the larger picture of everything.

sigh.

Current Mood: complacent

Up, felt like shit, took care of dogs, washed,d ressed, applied for jobs.

Housemate Sam came out around 2pm as I am sauteeing onions and browning meat to put in the instant pot for supper, complaining about her in-laws' attorney badgering her for the return of some paperwork which will end up paying her 25K for her interest in some of her deceased husband's stepdads property that he's selling. She proceeds to lament that the Universe is conspiring against her and then returns to her catbox smelling room (where her animals have doubtless ruined my floor and probably most/all of the furnishings with their urine, feces, and/or scratching)

Oh, please tell me more about this terrible life you have. In a comfortable room in a comfortable home with climate control and food and electricity and running water which you have paid minimally to occupy. Where you have no obligations, no responsiblities, and can sleep or watch TV or read all day long in your pajamas and bathe once a week, or never, as you like. Where you have health insurance covered by your deceased husband and a doctor who does tele-visits, and people you don't even like falling all over themselves to hand you gobs of money. Yes, you are very very put-upon and miserable, to be sure. My heart, it is bleeding for you. Bleeding, I say!

(as I cook, clean, feed and walk her dog, and continue to search for paid work outside the home)

Such pity I feel. Such compassion. Poor poor housemate Sam. The universe has conspired against her at every turn to give her the softest possible landing ever.

And, yes, i realize that if I didn't have my husband I'd be fooooooooked, but yes, I am also enjoying a comfortable existence on the back of someone else's labor. :/

Current Mood: annoyed

Saw a post this evening from the last good place I worked, the contract that ended Feb 2025 and for various fucked up reasons did not take the permanent full time job there (my temp agency recruiter told me the company had 'decided to go a different direction' and it would be another 6 month contract which I'd have to interview for again) and on that info, I accepted a 6 month remote contract (that ended up being a clusterfuck that ended early due to those people being disorganized and their stuff not being ready to go live)....and then once I'd accepted that contract, got an offer for the full time permanent role I thought didn't exist due to misinfo from my temp agency recruiter...and for whatever reason, felt I had to keep my word to my other temp agency. stupid, stupid, stupid stupid stupid.

I've been kicking myself in the ass for over a year for making those stupid, self-sabotaging, idiotic decisions, for feeling obligated to keep my word (to someone/person/agency/job who obviously placed little to no value on me) over making the best decision for my own self and my own future. It's the place my brain goes to night after weary fucked up night, that keeps me up until 3 or 4 in the morning, beating and berating myself endlessly and knowing that there's not a fucking thing I can do to go back in time and fix it.

And, for all I know, I'm blacklisted at the company for not accepting their perm/full time offer.

But, I can get some decent sleep I will take the time tomorrow to apply to the job and see what happens. I'd like to quit fucking myself over. I'd like to be working and bringing in money again.

The commute wasn't my favorite, but it was at least a hybrid role that gave me mondays and fridays at home, and for the kind of money they pay, it's worth the drive.

Anyway....maybe by writing it down and getting it out I will finally be able to rest. :/ My pillows are all uncomfortable, I'm hot, my stomach hurts, and my right ankle is hurting as always. I did fuckall with my day today. I just don't use my time well at all.

Current Mood: awake

more like this morning, but anyway. It was a good dream. I felt strong and smart and hopeful when I woke up. That's nice, isn't it?

I dreamed I was drafted into ICE or the military? I wore perfume and nail polish with my uniform to piss off the officers. Like, I'd been told not to, but then someone else that was there said they were glad I did that and hoped I'd keep wearing nail polish, even if shooting the guns made my nails chip.

One of the officers was making everyone run and of course I was terrible at it. Then we all had to get in line to go to target practice and the officer wouldn't let me go to do that, he made me stay behind. I said, "oh, too bad, I'm really good at shooting." He was yelling at me about how some of his best troops were going to come visit my home in the night to teach me and my family what MAGA was all about and I said, "come on over. I love the first, fourth fifth and 14th amendment but my favorite is the second. Be sure to smile for the cameras I have all over when you meet my bang-bangs!"

That same bully officer (I think? or maybe one of my fellow maga shithead recruits?) gave me a 'couch potato ' prize that was like a little dollhouse couch. One of the high ranking officers later said she liked it so I smiled real big and gave it to her. I knew that the bully and his friends would see the higher ranking officer carrying around their shame prize and be embarrassed.

Later in the dream the bully officer was trying to tell me I was unamerican and I listed all the things I love about it, including due process for migrants who have gone through the courts and applied for asylum or legal status. I just kept calm and cheerful and quoted facts and laws to him. I could tell it was making him mad but there were other recruits and older officers who had my back, and the other recruits and I were talking among ourselves as we stood in lines and waited for our turns to run and shoot and do obstacle courses and shit, about how we were going to sabotage everything from the inside and help immigrants. Ultimately it was a good dream. Reminded me that I can use my smart mouth and sass for the powers of good.

insomnia last night until 2 or so. Slept very well once I actually was able to sleep. No night sweats that I can recall. Got up, took care of dogs. Went to the store. Have been looking at jobs. Applied to only one so far. Feeling very old and unemployable. If I can limp along to end of 2028 and if I'm not in an ICE concentration camp, I can start collecting my retirement. Sigh.

I got to the grocery store for dinners for the week. Power went out just as I was getting into line to check out. But it came back on pretty quickly. My groceries were bagged by THREE people...who did a terrible job and took forever!!! They put all the heavy stuff into the flimsiest bag, really stuffed it in there, and left my largest, heavy duty canvas bat bag pretty much empty except for cheetos and salad. Mixed up frozen stuff with pantry items instead of keeping things organized as I'd had them on the conveyor belt, put heavy stuff on top of light stuff.... just...awful. The phrase 'couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the directions were written on the heel' came to mind. Apparently either the power out or some interpersonal employee drama had put their heads up their asses. I was kind and gracious, however. The people in line behind me had also been waiting patiently and no need to hold them up with bitchyness. I just grumbled to myself on my way out to the parking lot.

Housemate Sam offered to kick in for groceries since I include her in suppers M-F. I suppose after almost a year of living with us, it occurred to her that perhaps she should do that. LOL. I declined. What I should have said, but didn't think of it in time is "you need to save your money for when you get your own place,"...keep that thought in the top of her mind. sigh.

Went to Sherwood Faire Friday. Hadn't been in a couple of years. Took brother A. He apparently had a friend working there, one of his buds from the halloween haunted house biz he worked at a couple years ago. The friend had offered him a free ticket. I don't know if he got free admission or was ever able to find his friend on site (cell reception out there is spotty). He seemed down when we were headed home later, and has stayed to himself all weekend....He has a lot of thoughts and dreams for his future that are fun but maybe not as workable as he thinks. His creative ideas kept him going through his time in prison and I never wanted to shoot down his ideas when they were the only thing keeping him going. His employment since getting out has been spotty. He is a hard worker but gets his feelings involved t if he feels unappreciated or mistreated or disliked by coworkers/management... and h e wants to be in business for himself, doing sculpture and art and making funny movies with puppets... not realistic as a means of self sufficiency. I mean, it's not impossible. It's just going to be difficult and he's not keen to learn from other people's mistakes or experiences, he wants to do things his own way no matter what.

Ah well. I didn't take that child to raise, either, as Elaine would say..

I'll finish looking at job sites here in a minute and then dishes and try to clean the uncleanable kitchen floor. Maybe change the sheets in the bedroom. I dunno. feeling unmotivated and sad. The state of the world is unhelpful. Meteors/fireballs have been dropping on the planet the last few days. One in Ohio, one over Houston just yesterday or day before. Maybe something taking aim/getting range to wipe us out! Comeon, Giant Asteroid!!!! You can do it!!!!

having an extra-down couple of days.

Housemate Sam got it into her head that we were going to faire on Sunday. Of course we had no such plans. She apparently told Thax behind my back that the reason she was saying that was because she thought I had mentioned faire many times and was hinting I wanted to go.

I am not working. There is no money for such things. Whether I want to go or not.

And, really, faire is something I used to enjoy. But when I go now, I just remember that I used to like it, but I don't really like it now. I don't need any of the 'stuff' they sell, I've seen all the shows, I don't really have any faire friends, there's absolutely no reason to go, or to want to go.

But now I feel as though it's A Big Deal and whatever.

I suggested we go on the 20th, it's the Friday of spring break and they're open and maybe it won't be crowded. Thax said "OK". He has to burn some leave time before end of first quarter at work, so h e's taking some Fridays, plus St. Patrick's day, plus some random Monday.

BUT, really for serious, We have no money to waste on stupid things.

I like the idea of going to faire way more than I actually like going to faire.

I don't want to ask for anything and have him 1) do it resentfully or 2) not do it/ "forget" . Because neither feels very good.

I know that what I want doesn't matter anymore, because I'm not working and I have no money, therefore no say in how we spend resources.

I know I need to stay at home, cook, clean, organize, do whatever I can to be helpful and not spend money.

I have nothing intersting to say, I need to not open my mouth to complain or fuss or be negative. No one needs th at.

I am so tired. I am so so so tired.

I don't have the courage to try and fail to die.

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