evile

Back on the triple reuptake inhibitor, feeling good. I found it for a reasonable price, almost $100 less than what I was paying before. Still expensive but it works. slightly concerned about one of the potential side effects--elevated blood pressure. it was already trending to the high end of 'normal'

Got the front room of the house done up - new flooring and a pocket door. At some point, need to repaint/touch up paint, and move things back in from the garage.

The garage needs serious clearing-out.

My work room needs serious clearing-out.

Today I've walked dogs, gone to the grocery store/planned dinners for the week, started a load of laundry, made a chicken tetrazini caserole for tomorrows' supper (just have to put it in the oven tomorrow! easypeasy!), and thinking about unloading & reloading the dishwasher. Feeling pretty good, but also like I haven't done enough with today.

bad weather is coming tonight and next week. I hope they tell us to work remotely all week, I'd like to not even think about driving in ice/snow. I can do my job from home and prefer it (especially the zoom calls) so I hope that works out.

Contract should be ending mid to end of Feb. I am hoping to get some guidance on the exact last day so I can schedule all my remaining calls accordingly.

Some coworkars are way behind on their data gathering/spreadsheet filing out, so I helped with that last week, but as of 1/6 we have the go-ahead to start scheduling calls, so that's going to be my priority. Get my own shit done.

I don't anticipate the contract being extended.

I don't think I'll be getting a permanent offer. Not that I'm doing a bad job, in fact I'm doing really well, BUT....I get a sense that is not how this company works.

Oh well. I have enough to pay property taxes (due by end of Jan) and I'll sock away a few more paychecks that should give me a 2-3 month padding before finding the next job will be *critical*

I have a growing list of things I'd like to do with the house & such. Get the rest of the house floored, new roof--they make metal roofs that look like composite now, they're pretty cool, mini split ac/heat units for renter's room and our bedroom, still need to get a 2nd opinion on Pepita's hips and whether or not to do a surgery.

And of course we are about to get a wacky president who could do who-knows-what to all of us, depending on his enablers, their agenda, and his ego/health/level of crazy. Things could go tits up real quick in this country, or they could continue to limp along with at least a veneer of normalcy. Honestly I looked through some stuff about Project 2025 and most of it is already in place here in TX. As an old white lady past childbearing years, it's gross to be around such ignorant shithead laws and lawmakers but it does not actually harm me personally.

I guess that's how the nazis got away with what they did, for as long as they did. Most people weren't impacted at all. :/ yuck.

Been distracting myself from reality by watching some stupid drama go down on social media; same old patterns of behavior. I am far too compassionate towards one party; I do realize they are traumatized and coming from an abusive childhood and whatever...but every once in a while I do get the fact-in-the-face that their damage is not a good excuse for their pattern of grooming and abusing others...and then smack into that wall of 'gee, it does seem like a lot of pagan/poly/niche hobby/fringe lifestyle people are fucked up and those communities seem to allow fucked up behavior and predators to thrive,"... blecch. I need to quit looking at any of that.

I am also wondering if and how to quit keeping up with news, politics, and current events. There is fuck-all I can do to prevent the shit that is coming for the nation and the world. I've done what i can to shore up my own resources....I don't know what continuing to look at it will actually do as far as warning or helping me survive.

things kinda suck, out there....but for me personally things are peaceful, pleasant,and dare i say...prosperous.

Current Mood: peaceful

Reality Check

1. You will not be rewarded for bad behavior.

2. Being told 'No' is part of life. Get over it.

3. You are free to make your choice, you are not free of the consequences.

4. Life is not fair.

5. You are not the boss.

6. The world does not revolve around you.

7. Respect is earned, it is not just given.

8. The world owes you nothing. work for it.

9. Fits and Tantrums will get you nothing. Stop wasting your time.

10. You put yourself here. You need to fix you.
11. Shut your mouth, open your ears.

I read this recently on FB. It seems very unkind, unnecessarily harsh and brutal, to me. I understand folks value 'just tellin it like it is' and 'brutal honesty' and while these things may hold some truth, I think there is a kinder way to approach "reality:

1) Bad behavior is a sign that the one behaving 'badly' is in distress, out of 'cope' or possibly traumatized and triggered. We are all responsible for our own behavior, but perhaps that can encompass recognizing that when another is 'behaving badly' they may be in need of compassion more than judgement, punishment, or 'reward' for that matter. We don't need to coddle people who are bullies or assholes but we can take a breath and respond with better behavior rather than meeting 'bad behavior' with more 'bad behavior'.

2) Being told 'no' is indeed part of life. It's ok to feel disappointed, let down, or even lied to if you were expecting something other than 'no'. It's not OK to throw a fit or be an asshole about it. But again, we can take a breath and respond with compassion to ourselves and others when experiencing disappointment or hurt feelings over hearing 'no'.

3) You are free to make choices. You do get consequences for choices. When introducing consequences to others, there's no need to bully or rebuke or be harsher than necessary in order to make your point.

4) Life is not fair, and that is the fact, Jack. You, however, can strive to be fair in dealing with others and reduce the unfairness of Life within your own sphere of influence. And, honestly, sometimes life's unfairness does come out in your favor rather than against you...that's also true.

5) You are not the boss? You may actually be the boss, if you are a business owner or manager or leader. Or not. Regardless of your station in life, you are the boss of yourself, so remember to set expectations fairly, reward yourself for success, and learn from failures. The place I am working now does not use the term 'failure' ....it uses the word 'opportunities' to define any area in which we've come short of our company goals. I like that and I am going to try and apply it in my personal life.

6) The world does not revolve around you is something that unfortunately I hear a lot of really mean-spirited and unkind adults use to minimize and dismiss the feelings, fears, and concerns of other adults, subordinates, and children... each person's world does indeed revolve around them. I dont mean that in a pathological, narcissistic way. I just mean..we are the only person experiencing life in the way we are. Each of us has a 'world' that does indeed revolve around ourselves, it's the only way most of us experience our lives, from that single viewpoint. empathy and compassion can offer a glimpse of another person's experience or their world, but ....this seems like an unkind and dismisive thing to say, and often I hear it when someone is trying to gaslight or minimize another person's distress. It's not helpful. Strike it from your vocabulary. If you feel someone is being utterly selfish and not taking others' needs or feelings into consideration, behaving as if the world is revolving only around them, there are better ways to invite them to have empathy and compassion and adopt a less selfish mindset.

7) "Respect is earned" is so fukkin toxic. I can't even. Go into every interaction with an attitude of respect for the other people you are meeting. If they are rude or obnoxious, aggressive, or threatening, THEN withdraw your respect. Not before. Don't approach every interaction as the other person needing to 'prove' they are worthy in order to be treated kindly. That's just an ugly way to treat other people and an ugly way to go through life.

8) The world owes you nothing. ...another ugly way to speak and think; treating other people as though their needs are an unpleasant burden upon the earth. Is that how you feel about yourself? is that how you treat children and disabled and old folks? Be better. A sense of entitlement is ugly and unpleasant, but it's not kind to dismiss the legitimate needs and rights of others. I think the world might be a better place if we all adopted an attitude of being entitled to at least a basic level of dignity simply for being human and alive. Not a matter of 'owing anything' but just a matter of being entitled to be cared for at a basic level by the people you were born to and the society you are trying to participate in....

9) Fits and tantrums will get you nothing...another situation in which you may be observing 'bad behavior' that is an outcry of distress, trauma, pain, and being triggered. Respond with compassion, don't react with negativity. See where that gets ya.

10) You put yourself here. You need to fix you. --- yes, you may have made choices which led to a negative outcome. Unfortunately we are all the product of so many interactions over time; we do think of ourselves in the ways we were treated and spoken to as children, the way we may have been abused or neglected or ignored by bosses or partners or friends we trusted to treat us kindly. It's important to recognize the shitty patterns that may have brought us to this negative place. And it's imperative to do whatever we can to fix ourselves once we recognize these patterns. Easier said than done. Why react with more negativity against a person who is already suffering?

11) Shut your mouth, open your ears.....this sounds like another negative, judgey, bullying comment from an adult to a child or subordinate. Listening is important. telling other people to shut up is gross and mean. Even if they do talk too much and listen too little, this is not a phrase that would encourage them to change that behavior. LIke, at alllll.

Anyway....I need to finish writing thank you notes. And think about taking down xmas decorations. la la la.

We had dinner with Aunt L and Uncle B to celebrate Brother A's freedom. His original release date was 1/23, but after all the rigamarole his final parole appointment was the 19th so that's his real 'freedom' date. That was nice. It's good to be able to go out in the world again and it was at Arpeggio, one of our favorite places. L. brought me a boxed cake mix , "Dolly Parton's Banana Cake" and a can of "Dolly Parton's buttercream frosting"....apparently I'm supposed to make this abomination and bring her a nice corner piece. LOL. I hate all things artificially banana flavored. I love real fresh bananas and i even like banana bread or banana pancakes/waffles, but not banana pudding, bananas foster, banana candy, ice cream, etc. It's the artificial whatever alkaloid ester chemical shitstorm that I dislike. Anyhoo. I'll make it and Thax and A can eat it and I'll take L&B a big old piece, too. LOL. L was obese for most of her working life and when she retired she lost a lot of weight and now is fairly strict with her eating habits. Good for her but her work arounds for when she wants a sweet are kinda funny :)

We gpt home around 8 and decided to walk dogs before settling in for some TV and bedtime, our usual routine. We were passing by a VRBO house that used to be a 'group home' in our neighborhood when I heard a squirrel doing the little 'distress bark' which I thought was unusual because it was well after dark by then. So I walked over to see if maybe it was fussing because it was trapped, stuck, or had a baby on the ground. I shined my cellphone's flashlight up into the tree and saw two eyes reflecting back at me, a cat lying in a fork of the branches. I didn't see the squirrel. I started looking around under the tree to see if I could see a baby. There was another cat at the base of the tree, looking up. Sunny started barking at the cat and the cat backed off; I thought that was fine, maybe if the cat ran off from the base of the tree the squirrel could get down safely and get to another tree with no cat in it.

Meanwhile, this man from across the street and up a couple of houses came over and started shouting at us, apparently these were his cats and our dog was scaring them, whatever whatever. I tried to explain that i'd heard a squirrel in distress and was trying to find out what was wrong, he yelled at me about Sunny barking and scaring his cats, I tried to explain that the cat was already in the tree (terrorizing the squirrel) when we walked up, he said "I'm done listening to you," or "I'm done with you" or something like that, and "just go away". I said "Ok,fine, god bless you, sir." (sarcastic tone) and started to walk away. He said "fuck you" and that was IT. I yelled "fuck you" back, then he started going off on "You're not a real believe, real good christian with that language," and I was like "FUCK YOU, YOU SAID IT TO ME FIRST!!!"

Meanwhile Thax is speaking in calm conversational tones trying to de-escalate the ridiculous nonsense. I'm walking away, yelling at him "jesus christ, what the fuck is wrong with you," (I don't remember what all I said) and he's yelling 'fuck you" at me and "you trying to fight" at Thax. His teenage (?) son(?) was trying to get him to walk away and I'm yelling shit at him like "Keep your fucking cats in your goddamn house if you dont' want dogs barking at them" and then my grand finale "Go back to New Jersey or wherever the GODDAMN HELL you came from, WE DONT ACT LIKE THIS IN TEXAS!!!!!"

it was fucking ridiculous. We've passed these cats on our walks before, that street is on our regular morning route. The cats like to go under these big arbor vitae trees that are across the street from the man's house, and sometimes they'll be under there when the dogs are sniffing at the trees. he's given us the stinkeye for that before. Not that Boba, the tree pee-er is at all interested in the cats. He just likes to pee on those trees. Sunny would chase a cat if she wasn't leashed. The cats never seem that bothered by it, if he leaves them out at night I'm sure they've dealt with worse--we have raccoons, possums, and coyotes in our neighborhood. Anyway, it was dumb and I'm ashamed and embarassed that I let him get my goat like that. Screeching profanity in the street like a goddamned lunatic.

In one way I'm glad I didn't let him get away with cussing at me and my husband and my dogs, I'm glad I didn't just walk away and let him be abusive...but on the other hand I don't know what I could have or should have said or done to be a better person. Just walk away and let him cuss is probably the best, make him the unequivocal asshole in the situation. But whatever.

It's raining this morning so the dogs don't want to walk, so we wont' be passing his house today. But I guess at some point we'll walk that way again. I guess we'll see what happens. I'm sure his kid was very embarassed to be in that situation too. I hope that guy isn't always so foul and awful. And I hope the squirrel is OK. :/

Current Mood: embarrassed

Narcissist sent a catalog from Fingerhut fetti (not junk because I researched they have to order it to be sent to an address) can someone please shed light on this? I’m no contact after he married someone behind my back. Is this a Hoover attempt?

How do you know the catalog was sent by your ex? Sometimes you will order something by mail and start getting all sorts of catalogs in the mail because the one place you ordered from will sell your information to other catalog companies, or the companies are all owned by the same organization.

Don’t assume it’s a secret message from your ex; it could just be a coincidence. If he married someone else, he has moved on and you should, too.

On the other hand, I had an experience with a crazy b***** who knows I’m childless who thought it would be funny and cruel to sign me up for various parenting and ‘mom and baby’ type magazines. She did that for a year or two after I helped her ex, who was an acquaintance of mine, get out of her foul clutches. Basically, I just provided information and he did the rest as far as getting divorce, restraining order, splitting the assets, etc. But since I was one of his friends she ended up fixating on me and blaming me for the end of her marriage. She did a lot of crazy stuff, including sending pornography to my employer and making terrorist threats against my workplace.

So, yes, it’s possible that someone with bad intentions would sign you up for junk mail in the hope of hurting your feelings or annoying you.

Either way, the best way to respond is not to respond. You can contact the catalog and ask to be taken off their mailing list if it bothers you, but whatever you do, do NOT contact the narcissist or do anything to suggest that you were hurt or affected by the catalog in any way. If they know how to hurt you or make you mad, they will keep doing it. Keep "No Contact" with the narc and go on about your own life.

=====================

Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com.

They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here.

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.

So, Esquire published this article recently. It interested me because one of my college mentors used to write for Esquire so I read it from time to time, and because I really have let my reading habits lapse during this pandemic and stress and I need to find some new things to read and get back into the habit of reading rather than spacing out in front of a screen. Vary the dissociation methods up a bit, use parts of my brain I'm not using at the moment, etc.

Lots of comments about the 'woke mob' and why isn't Tolkein, Heinlen, Asimov, [fill in the blank hundred year old author] on here....

And then FB experts and their followers using the list to launch political rants against the rabid left, feminists, and people of color. The usual bullshit commentary from the usual neckbeard trolls.
ugh. People like this are why I've generally avoided fandom, conventions, cosplay, etc. There's just so much ugly gatekeeping and it's so fucking tiresome and unpleasant.

So, were to I engage in conversation with said cat-piss men/ neckbeard trolls, on the off chance that they'd be able to listen and comprehend (I know they don't and won't, so that's why I'm writing here, just to get it off my chest and out of my head) here are the points I'd try to make:

listicles like this can't include every single favorite author ever in the history of ever, the writer was probably trying for more contemporary works rather than the 'classics' known by all fans, and the 'of all time' is hyperbolic clic-bait. Congrats, if you commented with 'whatabout' or got your underthings in a bunch over it, you fell for it. Esquire got eyes on the page, which is all they wanted, anyway

'best' is subjective. Your favorites aren't my favorites and that's OK. We will have writers & books we agree on and writers & books we don't.

Authors like JK Rowling and MZ Bradley and David Eddings and Orson Scott Card and Piers Anthony are problematic, messy, terrible human beings. Even my beloved Harlan Ellison was a giant creep--stories of him being sexist and gross at cons abound, as much as it pains me to say. Authors who are alive or were alive during the readers' lifetimes have this sort of thing come to light and then we have to go through the minefield of trying to figure out how to (whether to) enjoy their art for its own sake, or if we need to shun both the art and the artist. For myself, in the case of knowing that MZB was abusive and either allowed, encouraged, or aided her partner in acts of child abuse and pedophilia make it very very difficult to re-read any of her stuff, let alone enjoy it. I, personally, just can't separate the art and the artist in that case. (Harlan Ellison hitting on women at cons and being sexist, for whatever reason, I find forgive-able. 'a product of his time' Maybe that makes me a bad person too, I dunno.)

OTOH, why not JUST LET PEOPLE ENJOY THINGS.? The world is a dumpster fire, we are all suffering and lonely and anxious and sad, so if there's a book or a writer that takes us away from the shit for a harmless mental trip to lands of swords and sorcery and dragons and magic, just please let people enjoy that. FFS.

tl:dr this sums things up better than I can.

Why do people act like narcissists have super powers, and are to be feared? They are simple, predictable, and extremely sensitive.

I don’t believe narcissists have ‘super powers’. In most ways, narcissists are less ‘super’ than neurotypical, emotionally mature people.

They are simple in that they are single minded, selfish, and always looking for people who will validate and enable their compulsive pleasure-seeking behaviors, whatever those may be (sex, drugs, food, booze, spending, hoarding, drama, risk-taking, extreme behavior, anything that creates an endorphin rush)

They are predictable in their tendency to over-indulge and take things to extremes. They are predictable in that they do not seem to recognize any cause-and-effect in their lives. They don’t understand consequences and they don’t seem to be able to make long-term plans beyond getting what they want as soon as possible. (please don’t mistake future faking[1] for long term planning ability!)

They certainly don’t seem to comprehend that immediate self-gratification can have extensive future consequences—when today’s bad choices become tomorrow’s hangovers, STIs, or credit card bills, they revert to a fragile, childish frame of mind “Why did this bad thing happen to me???” ….reflecting zero understanding of cause-and-effect, zero comprehension that yesterday’s choices led to today’s consequences, and zero empathy that treating someone like crap makes that person want to leave you.

They are absolutely incapable of taking responsibility or learning from their mistakes. In fact, they are unable to recognize their own behavior as even being a mistake! To hear a narcissist tell it, they never make mistakes or do anything wrong, ergo the bad things that happen to them are never their own fault! “Oh, poor misunderstood pitiful meeeeeee!”

They are sensitive in that attempts to hold them responsible for their behavior immediately leads to a melt down temper tantrum shame-and-blame fest more typically seen in a 5 year old.

Yes, their behavior is generally predictable. Disordered people’s behavior generally tends to ‘cycle’ in some way. If you are familiar with the cycle of abuse[2]you can generally get a feel for whether the narcissist is having a good day or a bad day, whether they are in a ‘tension building’ phase or in a ‘honeymoon’ phase with a given target, whether they are courting and idealizing new supply, or devaluing and discarding[3] old supply.

All of the behavior is cyclical and somewhat predictable. And, yes, you can almost set your clock or calendar by the times the narc will act out and rage out--around birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, or occasions where other people may be receiving gifts and praise that will trigger a narcissist’s jealous freak out.

What is not predictable is the potential for narcissistic injury[4] from some random interaction out in the world, and the degree to which they will act out and lash out in response to the injury, or who the target of their abuse might be this time.

For this reason, I do believe narcissists should be feared. An adult with adult physical strength, adult intellect, and adult resources (access to information, deadly weapons and heavy vehicles) with the poor emotional regulation and anger management skills of a 5 year old is a dangerous threat to life, livelihood, and well-being.

A 5 year old says ‘mean mommy!’ when mommy tells them no. Then the 5 year old kicks mommy as hard as s/he can in the shin. Ok, it hurts, but the 5 year old has limited physical capabilities and limited concept of what they could do that would really hurt mommy. So the damage is minimal.

What happens when you say ‘no’ to an adult narcissist— a 6′ 2″, 250 lb man who gets just as mad as a 5 year old when he hears the word ‘no’ and kicks you? That same man who has the emotional regulation of a 5 year old and owns guns? That same man who screams and yells and melts down like a kid when he doesn’t get his way and he’s got a big car with a V-8 engine and he just saw you standing in the parking lot? Yeah, that’s dangerous. That’s potentially fatal.

What happens when you say ‘no’ to an adult narcissist—a woman with a college degree who has experience in the legal field or Law Enforcement? An adult woman who gets just as angry as a 5 year old when she is told no, curbed, or reprimanded? She isn’t stupid, she’s just emotionally dysregulated, undeveloped, and immature. She has all the intellectual resources of an adult, she knows how to ‘work the system’ to make her target’s life a hell-she can make false reports to law enforcement, she can file legal paperwork against her target, she can contact her target’s employer or the licensing board which regulates her target’s work credentials. She can do real and lasting harm to that person.

And these adult narcissists absolutely will not, cannot, think of themselves as doing anything wrong or understand fully that they’re committing criminal acts by assaulting people or making these false reports to law enforcement, state agencies, or regulating bodies. They feel that they are the true victim, (because that other person did them wrong first!), who has the right to punish their target in whatever ways they can devise—whether that’s by physical assault, shooting, vehicular assault, false reports to police, etc. That’s all very dangerous.

Remember: Narcissists don’t have a good sense of cause and effect, they don’t generally tend to think beyond the needs of the moment, so they’re going to be more likely to act out their anger and have no thought as to the consequences. They don’t have a good sense of self-preservation. They don’t have a sense of ‘fighting fair’. They do have a strong desire to win, but more than that, they want to see their target LOSE. And they are more than willing to harm themselves as long as their targets are harmed first or worse. And that makes them terribly dangerous to deal with.

I don’t feel that it’s foolish to be afraid of narcissists, but there’s no point to living in a fearful or paranoid state—recognize when a person is toxic and remove them from your life as quickly as possible with as little fuss and drama as possible. I also don’t believe in assigning to them any supernatural or superhuman powers or abilities. They are simply damaged in ways that short-circuit a lot of the common-sense, self-preservation instincts that normal people have, and for that reason conflict with them is likely to be higher-stakes and more harmful than conflict with another normal human. They find new lows and then they start digging. Once you’ve known a person long enough to understand that they are personality-disordered and recognize their patterns and perversions, at that point it’s time to assess the threat level posed by the individual and respond accordingly[5] Narcissists aren’t mythical monsters with superhuman abilities, they are just very damaged and therefore dangerous.

In my opinion, a best practice is to approach every new person you meet with a healthy level of skepticism and don’t trust folks with any sensitive information, finances, etc. too soon.

Footnotes

[1]

How Narcissists Lure Partners with "Future Faking"

[2]

Cycle of Abuse: Understanding the 4 Parts

[3]

Idealize, Devalue, Discard: The Dizzying Cycle of Narcissism - GoodTherapy.org Therapy Blog

[4]

Narcissistic Injuries: What They Are & How to Protect Yourself from Them

[5]

MOSAIC threat assessment systems - Wikipedia

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What difference do you make between a smear campaign and exposing the narcissist (secretly wishing people take your side and validate your experience)?

There may be a difference for you, subjectively. As others have pointed out in their answers, you would be telling people the truth about the narcissist, while the narcissistic smear campaign is a lot of lies and exaggerations, with possibly only the smallest kernel of truth at the bottom of all of it.

But, to outside viewers, it just looks like an epic (or petty) grudge-fight between two people who are putting dirty laundry out for all to see. No matter how right you are, and how wrong the narcissist abuser is, it’s just embarrassing and distasteful for others to see or hear about.

The only people who care about who did what to whom will either be drama-addicted ‘flying monkey’ type people (the narcissist’s enablers and audience members) or your own closest friends and family.

For anyone outside of your most trusted circle, you should not bother with ‘exposing’ the narc, because they either will not care, they will enjoy the gossip & pass it around, and/or they will think you are just as bad as the narc.

Fun bonus for attempts to expose the narc: negative publicity is still publicity, in the mind of the narcissist ‘star’ of the “Great And Wonderful ME! Show” They will enjoy knowing that they still take up so much of your time, thoughts, and energy. Your pain, aggravation, and attempts to expose them will just feed their ego and make them feel more and more powerful and superior.

The best way to win against one of these people is to ignore them. Act as if they do not exist. Don’t let them see that they’ve hurt you.

If their behavior has caused you harm, file charges.* Don’t talk about it with everyone, just take your information to law enforcement or a lawyer. Otherwise, just ignore petty gossip and go on about your life. Exposing the narc to mutual friends, social groups, and acquaintances is not going to give you the results you want, it’s just going to give the narc fuel and make you look crazy. (speaking from experience here!)

*Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer. Consult a lawyer specializing in 'high conflict' if you are looking to take legal action against a narcissist/abuser.

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Editing to add: Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com. They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here.

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.

Not necessarily. Do you consider yourself a flying monkey?

Narcissists are master manipulators; everyone they meet gets a version of the narcissist that the narc has somehow decided will be most effective at getting what they want from that person. The narc is very adept at picking up visual, verbal, and even emotional/empathetic cues from others. These skills are essential in how they camouflage themselves in order to prey on others. So, you may get the ‘independent sassy business owner’ charade while another target gets the ‘wounded sensitive soul’ act. They will tell stories (or lies) about themselves and about their other targets in order to make the targets distrust one another and only see the narc’s version of events as The Truth.

Then, whatever conflict takes place between the targets becomes the narcissist’s fuel (supply), and whatever harm or drama takes place becomes another story for the predator to tell to yet another potential target or source of supply. They are forever setting people in their world against one another to watch the conflict and enjoy the chaos.

The narcissist is the star and the director of their giant soap opera, “The Great And Wonderful ME! Show” and it never, ever ends. While the other person (or persons) in the narc’s life may be fully onboard as an evil henchman, or flying monkey, they may also just be an innocent dupe, as you are (or were). Chances are, the narcissist will have engineered things so that none of their targets will speak to one another due to all the lies and mistrust that have been created by the narc. The narc doesn’t want you to compare notes, figure out the truth, and possibly gang up against him/her, or leave. They are excellent at compartmentalizing different parts of their lives, and covering their tracks.

You are under absolutely no obligation to stay and figure out the other people in the narcissist’s life, nor are you under any obligation to save the narcissist or protect them from the consequences of their own behavior. As soon as you realize you are dealing with a narcissist (predator, user, abuser, etc.), the only way out is to roll the credits for your part in the show, take your bow and exit stage left.

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Yes. Other people’s needs and emotions are ‘drama’ and ‘pointless’ and ‘making stuff up’ and ‘faking it’ and ‘stirring the pot’--because they do not care about other people. They may not even recognize others as human beings with needs and feelings of their own. Everything in the NPDs life is about the NPD.

So, of course, the narcissistic abuser’s needs and feelings and screaming and shrieking and carrying on are all perfectly valid and you’d best do everything in your power to help, soothe, fix, or solve their problems RIGHT NOW.

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Editing to add: Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com. They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here.

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.

So, back in...I dunno, like 2008 or something, my stepbrother

sineater friended me on LJ. I was pretty uncomfortable with this; we've had a history of unpleasantness between us, starting with the night my friend X and I threw his soon-to-be wife a "Bachelorette Party" which went horribly awry. bla bla, old old news.

Anyway...he friended me and I was thinking he was expecting me to friend him back, and I was uncomfortable with that, knowing his wife's tendency to treat everything he owns as hers, including, presumably, email and LJ accounts.

Being human and nosy, I went ahead and cut and pasted some of the recent entries for later reading, and then I messaged him with "hey, thanks for friending me, but we've had a hard time with this sort of thing in the past, as far as you and yours reading something I write and deciding I'm a horrible person, etc." and he replied with "it was a mis-click," and unfriended me.

Also around that time I guess is when he posted the public thing about me "stalking and harassing" him and his wife.

Anyway, my cel phone recently died a horrible death and one of the files I'd had saved there was some of those entries. I re-read them, particularly the 'spin' Sineater put on one of our more recent interactions: My mom was in town and Thax and I drove her to the park where his HFS group met, so mom could visit with him and the horses. I stood around and said nothing to no one, his wife babbled at me for a bit [even after I turned my back on her to indicate that I was not interacting with her], and then we left. So, that became, in his interpretation, me using mom and Thax to "stalk and harass"...he said it was a nice visit with mom, and called Thax my "unwitting accomplice"

I guess I'd probably read that before. But reading it again today, something just clicked in my head and I realized Sineater isn't a very nice person. and really, he never has been. When our parents were dating, he spent a good amount of time trying to get into my pants. When we became stepsiblings, he turned his attentions to any female friend I brought into the house. He frustrated and upset our parents by sneaking out of the house to visit various girlfriends over the course of his high school career, and also found interesting ways to disobey house rules re: visitors, phone calls after 10, etc etc. He has pretty much always been a sneaky, disrespectful, lying little weasel. And as soon as he got a chance, he moved out of the family home and back to Austin where he lived with his [obese & abusive, gee sound familiar?] ex stepmom for the last part of his HS, and apparently she treated him like a roommate & he was allowed to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted, which was more to his liking than having a family and chores and curfews and rules.

His choice of life-partner was exactly that, his choice. Another spit in the face of his family, who he has never respected or cared about. Maybe it was even a conscious decision to pick someone he knew would fight with and alienate all of us. I don't know.

I won't go so far as to say that he deserves the way she treats him and talks about him, because NO ONE deserves to be hit and yelled at and talked bad about all the time, but it's his choice and that's that.

So...while I love him, because you do always love your family no matter how fucked up they are...I realized today that I really don't LIKE him at all.

If he calls in need of food, or money, or a place to stay, or a place to bury a body, of course I'll be there for him, because that's what family does. But I realized today that I no longer wish to have any sort of emotional intimacy with him, or share my life or my happiness with him. The fact that we don't have that no longer hurts me.

It's very freeing.

Current Mood: relieved
Current Location: home.
Current Music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UaH0hds0o7c

I'm setting a new boundary for myself. The next time somebody comes to me saying that some person is upset by something I've done, I intend to thank them for trying to help the other person, but I will request that they direct the offended party to come speak directly to me.

Likewise, I would like to request that if anyone hears someone complaining about me, it would reduce drama, gossip, and bad feelings to direct that person to complain TO me rather than ABOUT me.

I understand that it is hard to walk up to somebody and say, "You did this thing, and I don't like it." The people that do that have my respect for stepping up. I also understand the hesitation to say something to somebody that did something that upset me.

I've heard that I'm "intimidating" and other such things, and I understand and sympathize with people who find me unapproachable. I reserve the right to whatever feelings of pain and anger I may feel. I would like to commit to not taking my feelings out on the person speaking to me. I acknowledge that I may fail and fail badly. But please, if you want resolution and not drama, give me that chance.

If you need the separation of IM or email that is fine. If you need the support of somebody else in the room or a mediator that is fine. The next time this sort of thing comes up, I will tell the intermediary thanks for trying, here is my contact info, and please have the offended parties contact me directly.

Let me finish up by respectfully suggesting that problems get solved with direct communication far more easily than they get solved by gossip and badmouthing people behind their backs. If you want me & our relationship to change and grow and improve, then help me do that by being direct. If you just want to gossip for your own entertainment and drama-making purposes, please find another target.

[screening comments, anonymous allowed]

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Location: home.

http://myfrienemies.com/

Welcome
Myfrienemies is a social networking site that allows you to connect with people who pretend to like the same people as you. Rather than dwelling on the negative, we invite you to foster new friendships based on shared dislikes, annoyances and disappointments.

AWESOME!!! (Why didn't I think of this?!?)

Current Mood: amused
Current Location: work
Current Music: Drinkin' Days, Slaid Cleaves

I got air in my front tire that was low. I voted. I went to the Farmers Market and got some coffee & ran into Sir M. but nobody else I recognized. Tried to go to my friend Pat's birthday, but my Google-fu was weak and the directions went bad after I turned off the paved road, so to speak. Lost in Buda is no way to spend a Saturday afternoon. I was hungry and headache-y, so I came back home. Cleaned house a bit for tomorrow's brunch, and now here I am tooling 'round the Internet.

The Magic of Joule shows that

sineater unfriended my ex today.

I'd bet that an attempt was made to suck T. into the "E's Tale of Perfidy" Drama, and T. either ignored or told Skye where to stick it (he was none to patient with her, even when we were together & I asked him to for the sake of family peace), thus leading to the unfriending.

Strangely, I trust my ex not to get involved, no matter what crazy spin anyone tries to put on things. He flat out doesn't give a shit, and that comforts me greatly now.

Current Location: home

http://psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20070912-000003.html

The Demanding Diva
Are you a drama queen? How to stop hogging the spotlight.

By: Jennifer Magid

"Drama is a state you create, not something that has to be," says Ellen McGrath. Do you need to drop out of the drama club? Here's how to stop hogging the spotlight.

Accept A New Role
Commit to dialing it down. Leave yourself "no more drama!" Post-it notes and tell friends you're working on becoming less hammy and demanding.

Become A Supporting Actor
The next time you're in a social situation, pay attention to everyone else's (more subtle) dramas as they unfold. Try to enjoy the show, without inserting yourself into the spotlight.

Resist Going On Stage
Drama queens and kings are action people—they express feelings before they've thought about them. Notice when you're getting triggered into drama mode, take a deep breath—and be quiet.

Practice Your Lines
Verbalize the problem that makes you feel like acting out, suggests McGrath. Instead of breaking into a rhapsody of insults about the rude bank teller, ask her to speak to you more respectfully. Instead of locking yourself in the bedroom and sobbing loudly, tell your partner how he's hurt your feelings.

Don't Make Diva Demands
You may have learned that throwing a tantrum will eventually get you your way. Stop making unreasonable requests of those who comply because they're afraid of your antics.

Current Mood: disappointed

3 Nov. 6:06 am

--- [K/ mom] wrote:

So, I have these earrings. They have very thin
mother of pearl inlay, but one cracked and fell out. So I
got this broken watch with mop inlay. How do I
transfer one to the other without also cracking it?
I really love these earrings. I get compliments on
them everytime I wear them. Help!

I've gotten the cast of the musical down to 20 very
(!!) talented people with double and triple and
4/5/6 casting.
They all have to sing, dance and act. Impossible
here, but who knows what might happen to it out in
the wilds?

Actually, we do have women who can belly dance and
Deb Grammel and her ballet students are very talented.
I think yoiu can learn the can-can and I know you can
learn to square dance. I just discovered this guy
who plays the fiddle like crazy and could do the part of
the old timer and play the fiddle for the ho-down.
What is a ho-down, exactly, and how do you spell it?
Hoe down, like put your tools down and relax, or ho
down like...?

[G/ dad]'s up. gotta get to work. Love, Mom
====================================

are the two pieces the same size? I'm having a hard time picturing
what you're trying to do. if the replacement peice is glued to
something metal, try gently heating the metal to soften the glue, and
then prying the mother of pearl up. Or maybe a bit of acetone nail
polish remover? Just go slow & gentle, whatever you do.

I think it's 'hoe down', like put the hoe down and dance. :) I don't
think people started using 'ho' for 'whore' until much later.

sineater's bday is tomorrow. I don't know what to do or say right now.
He's mad at me because of something skye_ds' ex boyfreind did or
said...it's crazy, and I'm pretty sure that if I try to say "look,
you can't hold me responsible for the actions/words of others" it
will somehow just prove my "guilt" in his mind...so I love him, but I
just can't participate in the crazy. I guess it's better for him to
be united with skye_ds in fighting a 'common enemy' than it is for her
to be keeping him up all night screaming at him for imaginary
offenses he's made against her...I just wish I wasn't the 'common
enemy' especially since I didn't have the satisfaction/enjoyment of
actually doing or saying anything against them!

*sigh* other than that, life is good. The play and Halloween on 6th
St. Monday was fun. We had dinner with friends first, yummy home
cooking at Hoover's.

pictures here:
http://www.freaks.net/eek/gallery/view_album.php?
set_albumName=Halloween05

Tuesday [Cousin B] and I went to Krav Maga. I know you don't approve of
violence, but it's really good for him to get his frustrations out
against an inanimate object & to have positive interactions with
adult men (nothing can totally make up for having an absent father,
but he craves approval from father figures & needs male role models,
whether he realizes it or not) and my cardio health & muscle tone has
improved considerably since we started. Plus we get that nice
endorphin rush from working out so hard. Natural antidepressants!

Last night I went to poly dinner at Central Market, had a nice visit
with my friends, and was asked to be the new poly dinner coordinator!
It sounds fancy, but basically it's me taking restaurant suggestions
for the weekly dinner meet-ups from the group. I know my girlfriends
will help me do a good job of picking places from the list of
suggestions that will have enough parking, accomodate a big group,
have facilities for those who are handicapped, and have enough
variety on the menu so the vegetarians and meat eaters can all find
something to eat. Even though I'm hetero/mono, I still really like
spending time with the polys, they're good folks.

3726bullshit with sineater

1 Nov. 11:53 am

"If you are going through hell, keep going." Winston Churchill

Squid Boy ([info]sineater) wrote,
@ 2005-10-27 12:55:00
Previous Entry Add to memories! Next Entry
Current mood: indignant
Current music: Diabolus In Musica - Scraping Foetus Off The Wheel
Entry tags: piss off, the chronicles of retard

Advice.
Do not attempt to take credit for something that you had no part of.
Particularly when it is mine.

*****

Let me also clarify:
Do not attempt to take my place, either.

[info]bramblekite
2005-10-27 06:09 pm UTC (link) Delete
I've started a folder at work called "CYA", and in it goes not only
the pissy little crap that my boss is always sniping me about, but
ALSO my extraordinary accomplishments, which I now ALWAYS put a paper
trail on. Paper trails are good.

sorry to hear people are annoying you. Love ya.

[info]sineater
2005-10-27 06:56 pm UTC (link)
Shrug. Your friend, not mine.

(Anonymous)
2005-10-27 10:53 pm UTC (link)
was that a reply to me?

(Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)
woops
[info]bramblekite
2005-10-27 11:24 pm UTC (link) Delete
that was me.

what the heck?

(Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)
Re: woops indeed.
[info]sineater
2005-10-31 10:47 pm UTC (link)
Let me put it to you this way. How exactly would you feel if I were
all snuggly with [X], telling her as much as I could about your
life, all the while telling you (yawn) I don't talk to her?

Yes, things are going great. Gotta run, going trick or treating.

Re: woops indeed.
[info]bramblekite
2005-11-01 07:40 pm UTC (link) Delete
Thank goodness neither of us talk to that skank anymore.

As for whoever you think I am 'snuggly' with, I don't know who you're
talking about and I doubt I am, anyway.

This would be the 'down' side of

a) giving people the silent treatment

and

b) making assumptions

and

c) taking one person's word over another's, without bothering to hear
both sides.

I'm sorry you're cranky with me, for whatever reasons.

I love you anyway.

I am here when/if you ever want to talk.

==============
Posted in my own LJ, locked to only sineater:

evile ([info]bramblekite) wrote,
@ 2005-11-01 13:40:00
Previous Entry Add to memories! Edit Entry Edit Tags Next Entry
Current mood: annoyed

I would take the analogy one step further and ask you to imagine the
hurt you'd feel if [X] told me "Oh, sineater says bla bla bla, and
we're such great friends, and that's how I know all about your life
(not from reading your LJ ORANYTHING)" and YOU BELIEVED HER WITHOUT
EVEN TALKING TO ME FIRST.

Like I said before, your life must be going really well for you to be
making up such things to be upset about. You're scraping hte bottom of
the barrel, here.

Love you, anyway & always.

3727Re: bullshit with sineater

1 Nov. 11:58 am

added to my LJ entry:
====================================================

PS: It's none of your business, but I can show you the last LJ
comments I traded with Kaleon, and Chrisloy, and Kili, and whoever else
is on your 'enemies' list.

I can't control who has me on their LJ Friends list. I never, ever
friended Kaleon (he finally unfriended me at my request), and I've
unfriended Kili & she's unfriended me, as a result of her situation
with Knighthorse and Kulilinei & her slapping my friend Terriblelynne at a party. I
haven't unfriended Chris, but she hasn't said or done anything
to/about you in literally AGES. She has her own life to worry about
(kid, health, living conditions, job, etc.)

As do I.

I love you, but I'm not going to play these drama-games with you.

3728Re: bullshit with sineater

2 Nov. 5:28 am

Squid Boy (sineater) wrote,
@ 2005-10-31 13:38:00

Current mood: eyeroll...
Current music: The old "Howdy Doody" theme

And Now, A Word
Right, not much time as I have this chronic affliction called a life,
but given some recent stupidity, this apparently needs to be stated
outright-- subtle hints are just lost on some folks.

For the record, then. Right, listen up:
Kaleon was never married to skye_ds. I was. Sorry. Truth rears it's ugly
head. I say this because moonbeam feels the need to spew about
his 'abusive ex-wife' to any and all. Clue: Not married=not ex-
spouse. Claro? Bueno.

My place, not yours, despite all your efforts. Nice try. Have a
biscuit.

As for abusive, I would like to hold up to the light the many times
he physically blocked her from leaving his apartment, browbeating her
to and beyond the point of migraine, and my personal favorite, the
time he lied bald-faced to me about her having left there six hours
before, when she was in the other room crying her eyes out, begging
him to stop. Even took her cell phone away.

Kaleon lost any and all claim to my friendship when he turned his two-
facedness, his destructive self-pity and his wannabe-style
passive/agressive power plays from a part-time hobby to a full-time
obsession. I can't help someone who is constantly trying to assfuck
me, and eventually, I got tired of trying. I pulled out of it; he
didn't, and apparently has no desire to.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Mood... In PoTC, remember that great, eye rolling, long suffering
sigh Geoffrey Rush let out when Johnny Depp stabbed him? Right before
he impaled Johnny in kind?

Oct. 28, 2005

evile: tGIF, baybeeeee! Phone duty from HECK
SkyeDS: nods. tedious stuff today.
evile: I had a caller, nicest guy in the world, english NOT his first
language, we both got very frustrated.
evile: Oh well, less than 1.5 hours and I'm gone for the weekend.
eyes on the prize :)
SkyeDS: nodnods
evile: Enjoyed a greatly successful evening wearing my new jeans, new
pink lacey froufrou underthings (and getting out of them) :)
evile: I mailed [G/stepdad/sineater's dad]'s card & present yesterday, emailed him this
a.m. and hopefully will find/make time to call him later today.
SkyeDS: nod. I'm going to remind sineater, he might not need it, but
better safe than sorry. He's had a surfeit on his mind lately
evile: *nod*
evile: That kind of stuff is far more important to him than [G/stepdad/sineater's dad] lets
on.
SkyeDS: I know he's long since had [G/stepdad/sineater's dad]'s presents and stuff, I think
it's just a matter of making sure they get to him
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: I hope Roboho doesn't take issue with my answer to her
question in my LJ
evile: ?
SkyeDS: she asked me how do you convince a horse you're boss
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: and I explained that you don't, but what you do instead, and
why
evile: I don't think she's used to dealing with creating win-win
situations. Her own personal life seems to be a series of contests of
will, which she MUST win at all costs.
SkyeDS: well, she'll have to get over that if she really wants to ride
evile: *shrug* I've long since quit bothering with her.
evile: Today has been a lovely day of boundary testing. kaleon tried
to drag me into some drama, Mom tried to talk to me about the Pig's
youngest child...ugh.
evile: I asked kaleon to unfriend me in LJ. I can't stop him from
reading me, but I've never friended him back, and I can certainly
limit my public posts to non-drama-creating items.
SkyeDS: kaleon doesn't seem to understand the words "move on." Which
I have, but anyway.
SkyeDS: what is with your Mom and [the rubber pig]? I thought she was done :(
evile: Mom was telling me about the baby,and seeing pictures, and bla
bla, and I just can't take that. I can't. I'm sorry, it's not the
kids fault, but I can't
SkyeDS: why is it that common sense is so f'ing uncommon?
SkyeDS: why would you encourage yourself to become attached when
there's nothing you can do?
evile: exactly.
evile: Why, yes, Mom, I'd love to put my hand in the blender and let
[the rubber pig] turn it on.
SkyeDS: as for the other...what did he think was going to happen when
he is constantly claiming sineater's place (as my husband) and then
sineater's artwork as his own?
SkyeDS: although I find it amusing truly that sineater got more upset at
the artwork than the other ROFL, I know, I'm easily amused
evile: I don't have a clue about any of that...I really actually
don't.
SkyeDS: I wish folks (kaleon, your Mom, everyone else) would just
*think* every now and again
SkyeDS: like, with the logical parts of their brains, and not
whatever other part of their anatomies theyy're thinking with (or not)
evile: Well, and with Mom, why set me up? Tell me about [brother A]'s latest
fuck up trainwreck bullshit and I can't help but feel angry and
negative...she has told me she doesn't care to hear my negative
opinions, so why does she bring him and his life up?
evile: I don't have anything nice to say, I don't want to say
anything at all. But if that's all you'll fucking talk about, what am
I supposed to do?
SkyeDS: nods (been there done that many tshirts). I have no answer,
only empathy and sympathy.
evile: kaleon sent me this faux-sympathetic thing because of
the 'happy birthday' I posted to [brother A] on the 26th. He assumed it was
for sineater.
SkyeDS: because, you know, "A" ... as in "Brother A" stands for sineater
SkyeDS: sineater starts with the letter A
evile: *shrug* he doesn't know me, or anything about me, and just
keeps on making assumptions and trying to get me in shit with y'all.
And I am working VERY hard on staying OUT of shit with y'all.
SkyeDS: I figured he thought all that abuse stuff you posted for [brother A]
was really for sineater
SkyeDS: he didn't start with the "abuse" and "torture" language until
after that
SkyeDS: pointyheaded, I believe you called it ;)
evile: If y'all are going to be pissed off at me, I'd just as soon
have you pissed off at me for something I actually did or said, not
some ASSholes ASSumptions.
SkyeDS: I can't control sineater's emotions. He can't control them
either for that matter. But you need not worry about me.
evile: *nod*
evile: I shouldn't let it get to me.Some people just have an
exagerated sense of their own importance...I dont' have the time or
energy for the grandiose machinations people are attributing to me.
SkyeDS: I know he feels that any relationship with you and kaleon is
like him still being cordial with Xtal.
SkyeDS: I told him, well, if you feel that way, maybe you should say
that, I'm s ure she'd understand that.
SkyeDS: something tells me he didn't, did he
evile: what 'relationship' is all i fuckin wanna know.
SkyeDS: kaleon has been bandying about that you hug him, call him
honey, etc
evile: I can't control who has me friended on LJ or, to some extent,
who posts in my LJ
evile: I haven't seen him since he lived in Austin. When we were
friends, I certainly did, but that's been...what? 2-3 years?
SkyeDS: I think he's trying to get at me
SkyeDS: but all he's succeeding in doing is pissing sineater off
SkyeDS: not a bright boy <Shrugs>
evile: well, whatever. If sineater wants to give kaleon that kind of
power, that's sad, but his business.
SkyeDS: well, I don't understand why he's still showboating to get my
attention.
evile: Likewise, if he'd rather believe a stranger than family, it's
hurtful as hell, but I suppose I deserve it. No matter how much I
behave now, it'll never erase the famous Scorpio grudge.
SkyeDS: he isn't going to get it.
SkyeDS: I don't read his journal, I don't care if he reads mine, I
know he does (counters tell you that kind of t hing and he isn't
smart enough to hide his isp)
SkyeDS: I'm not going to friends only my LJ because he's reading it
SkyeDS: and i'm not going to censor what I say so t hat he doesn't
take it personally
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: I don't personally choose to react the way sineater has. But
then, my place hasn't been usurped nor my talent laid claim to, and I
understand why sineater feels and does what he does.
SkyeDS: that's the way he's made.
SkyeDS: it isn't the way I'm made.
SkyeDS: and kaleon's cruisin for a bruisin if he doesn't stop
<shrugs> but then he knows that, he's been here and done this
before.
evile: *shrug* and either of them laying any of this at my doorstep
is giving me much power and credit that is not mine. I could give a
shit, really.
SkyeDS: peckerlength competition ya think?
SkyeDS: I think, when sineater gets to t he point of hunting him down to
kill him, maybe I won't stop him this time. That would certainly be
one effective way (if not my preferred way) of ending the drama.
evile: they can wag their weiners all they want at one another, just
leave me the hell out of it. I have this thing called a life and
these cool folks called friends, and I don't care to give my time or
energy to that kind of nonsense.
evile: As I told sineater, if you have the time/energy to dig so hard for
stuff to fight with people about, you must be doing very well and
I'm happy for that, even if I'm sad that you're mad at me.
SkyeDS: I told him if he wanted you to understand where he was coming
from (silly me, I get hung up on communicating doncha know) that he
should tell you what he told me about it being like the situation
with Xtal.
evile: *shrug* I'm sorry he feels that way, but as you say, it's for
him to discuss with me.
SkyeDS: I should know by now to keep my gemini communicating self out
of shit
evile: being misunderstood and/or blamed for things that aren't mine,
make me want to overcommunicate. Be mad at me, fine, but do it for
the right reasons.
SkyeDS: please don't take this personally or intended as offense, it
is just my observation that the Stephan family does not appreciate
communication.
evile: *shrug*
evile: I'm not a Stephan, why would that offend me?
SkyeDS: I just figured it would probably come across the wrong way
SkyeDS: I do that often ya know
SkyeDS: ok, I'm sorry, but I'm still laughing about Brother A = sineater,
and sineater's birthday isn't till next Friday (what a dumbshit) ROFL
evile: You're entitled to your opinion, and I think you're right.
It's pretty hard to communicate with a person who is standing there
with their hands over their ears screaming 'la la la' which is pretty
much how I feel whenever I try to deal w/sineater
evile: I still love him, would do anything for him, but for my sanity
and happiness, I can't be involved in his life or these needless
fights he seems to pick with people
SkyeDS: I suppose it would be feeding the trolls to post how funny I
think that is in my LJ
SkyeDS: I know, bad Skye, bad. I won't do it, but it's funny to
think about it all the same.
SkyeDS: "oops! did I say that outloud? was that my outside voice?
I'm s orry, I have Tourettes, you must forgive me." ;P ROFL
evile: I told kaleon he needed to not assume things, and then he
decided to throw ancient history in my face (because there is no
CURRENT history, do you understand) and at that point I said, "can
you please unfriend me?"
SkyeDS: he has diarrhea of the mouth disease...otherwise known as
open mouth before engaging brain disease
SkyeDS: the w hole reason sineater thinks that there is current
relationship is because kaleon told him so
evile: whatever.
evile: You can't prove a negative, and I'm not going to give him any
more ammo if I can help it.
SkyeDS: nevermind that kaleon is not a trustworthy source of
information, as I thought was well established, but what do I know
SkyeDS: I need one of those trendy black tshirts with white writing
that says I don't know, and I didn't do it
SkyeDS: I told you about running into a complete stranger who is part
of Rockdale's Roping Circle that told me that everyone in t he entire
Circle knows I'm a bitch for a proven fact even though none of them
have ever met me?
evile: that's unfortunate.
SkyeDS: so I guess I can't wear my desired "not a bitch, The Bitch,
and that's MS BITCH to you" tshirt
evile: if that's not a label you wish people to apply to you, you
probably shouldn't apply it to yoruself, no.
SkyeDS: the whole thing is just too fucking funny (because I'd rather
laugh than cry or be angry about it)
SkyeDS: you talk about [brother A] being abused, kaleon assumes you're
talking about sineater, and of course if sineater is abused, t hen kaleon was
abused, and then he tells Chris Loy that I'm torturing sineater
SkyeDS: and she believes an ex that I left what, three times? I lost
count
evile: *shrug* and all of this is my fault, HOW?
SkyeDS: and she says she wants to believe it isn't true but does she
ask sineater, who would know better than kaleon?
SkyeDS: of course not
evile: So people need to leave me the hell out of it.
SkyeDS: I've already told him that because these people choose to
make you a hub doesn't mean you chose to be a hub willingly
evile: I am nice to chrisloy becuase we have friends and groups in
common.
evile: kaleon has me friended on his LJ, I have ZERO control over who
friends me. there are complete strangers I've never met who have
friended me. Who knows why?
SkyeDS: this is turning into that game in school where you whisper
one thing into someone's ear, it goes around the classroom and is
something completely different at the end.
evile: Well, I want out of it. I don't have the time,energy, or
inclination to devote to participating in The Crazy.
evile: If sineater feels he has the time and energy to give to those
people and fighting and fussing, that's fine. But I don't.
SkyeDS: I think he was doing a good job (for him anyway) of ignoring
it, until the artwork thing.
evile: I honestly can't tell you the last time I talked to either
CHris or kaleon, Or Kili, for that matter
SkyeDS: But that's just too close to his heart.
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: every time he gets depressed, he goes to ritually sacrifice
his art, and I have to stop him (because that of course is ridiculous)
evile: [brother A] used to do the same
SkyeDS: that's like me saying, I'm depressed, so I'm going to burn
all my music books and my piano in a big bonfire and then kill my
children
evile: preaching to the choir.
SkyeDS: I am happy to see that he is embracing his art again ( you
should see the leatherwork he did recently, and I think you saw the
dragon he did for faire)
evile: nope.
SkyeDS: he painted a dragon on 24 x 36 cardboard that hobby lobby
puts behind its posters
SkyeDS: and it was awesome
evile: cool.
SkyeDS: anyway, I'm glad he's embracing his art again, I just think
that part of that is that kaleon went too far this time
SkyeDS: and I'm happy to see the good, even if the bad comes with it.
evile: *nod* It's better to channel your energy into creative things
SkyeDS: and if *I* were anything like what I'm reputed to be, I would
be pissed by now that sineater got pissed over artwork and not over being
usurped as my husband ROFL
evile: One is probably more provable than the other, objectively and
in court and such.
SkyeDS: some women would be pissed that a man's artwork was seemingly
more important to him than his wife.
SkyeDS: and I am said to be one of those women LOL
evile: I grew up in a household where Art was always more important
than people/relationships, so that just doesn't seem wierd to me, at
all.
SkyeDS: one of these days, the lies are going to come back to haunt
him.
SkyeDS: sooner or later
SkyeDS: probably sooner as egregious as he's been about it
SkyeDS: and anyone who on the strength of what he says online
believes that we were married, that I abused him (particularly after
he abused me to the point of having sineater and sonar0m call the cops on
him more than once)
evile: I just wish he'd get therapy, get help, be happy with his own
life and achievements, and not have to waste so much time and energy
on fighting to make himself feel worthwhile.
SkyeDS: or any other silly thing he says, is going to get what they
deserve for their stupidity too
SkyeDS: I don't understand why there are so many women who believe
him a nd are seemingly turned on by this, but whatever.
evile: As entertainingly trainwrecky as it is, I'm not reading his
LJs anymore, even if he keeps me friended.
evile: And no matter how sad and pathetic he is, I won't chip in with
any words of encouragement.
SkyeDS: I will be the first to admit that it was very hard to not
look at his LJ when I was bored.
SkyeDS: because it IS ROFL funny
SkyeDS: but it is just, I don't know what words to use, because sad,
pathetic, whatever, just aren't enough, but yeah, those things, that
he reads my LJ and thinks I read his, or that I still give a damn.
evile: I have better things to do with myself. I'm sorry as hell if
sineater is upset, because I love him...but I am not going to be in the
middle of any of that silly stuff.
SkyeDS: I understand now that he thinks the readings I do for people
who wish to remain anonymous are all about him
SkyeDS: give it long enough, sineater will find something else to be
upset about, a nd forget about all this.
SkyeDS: that's what usually happens anyway
evile: yup
evile: and, honesty, the silent treatment from sineater is not all that
different from 'normal relationship with sineater'...so *shrug*
SkyeDS: it woudl be very bad and troll feeding to poke public fun of
someone who thinks that sineater starts with A
SkyeDS: very bad
SkyeDS: back AWAY from the keyboard.
SkyeDS: I can resist anything! (but temptation :P)
evile: I think you have better things to do with your time. Nose
hairs or toenails to attend to, perhaps?
SkyeDS: I know.
SkyeDS: no kitty on the keys, no no no
evile: It takes a longer for satisfaction for being a mature
responsible adult to set in, than it does to indulge in childish
spitefulness, but in the long run, it *does* feel better. I know.
I've been there, done that.
SkyeDS: eventually I'll get some other irresponsible urge and forget
about this one
SkyeDS: although I can be very singleminded for an easily distracted
double gem. But then I do have as much earth in my chart as air,
almost as many of my signs are in Taurus as in anything else.
SkyeDS: what aggravates me is, I thought that's part of what my LJ
was for, indulging myself in things I shouldn't express elsewhere.
SkyeDS: I hate not being able to say what I want when I want because
somebody else is being pointyheaded.
evile: yeah, but then friends lock it, silly-head.
evile: or mark it 'private'
SkyeDS: <pouts> but that's no fun <slides outside of arm's length>
evile: Your friends are the only ones who will laugh and appreciate
it ANYWAY, so why not friends lock stuff that will only be drama-
fodder if left public, is the way I see it.
SkyeDS: no wonder people get mad at me for being the voice of reason
all the time
SkyeDS: :P
evile: And of course I friends lock everythign about 'where I'm going
and what I'm doing'
SkyeDS: reason sucks :P
evile: most of the time, yup
evile: well, I'm going to run past the girls room before I clock out,
so I'm gone. Y'all have a good weekend.
SkyeDS: I know that this is not a laughing matter to you or sineater, and
I'm not trying to be insensitive
SkyeDS: I just think the whole thing is funny
SkyeDS: wind to your wings :)
evile: I'm sure it'll be funny to me after a while too. :) see ya!

Oct. 28, 2005

after Sweetie's "why should you care?" and my own revelation that sineater
pointedly not speaking to me isn't all that much different from sineater
being on good terms with me and not having the time/inclination to
make contact. I still love him, but I've minimized his presence in my
life because I can't stand his relationship with his wife, and that's
his priority, so I respect it but I don't want any part of it.

Fuck this madness. I can't understand the kind of crazy thinking that
holds me responsible for other people's actions, simply because we
are acquainted.

==================================

evile (bramblekite) wrote,
@ 2005-10-28 16:24:00

Current mood: confused
Entry tags: pts

I'm still here.
sineater

{edit 10/28} I am not going away...and I would like to know what
you're trying, judging and condemning me for.

(and incidentally, it doesn't make a goddamn lick of sense to hold ME
responsible for the actions, thoughts, words, and feelings of ANYONE
who isn't ME.)

---------------------------

skye_ds says you're mad at me.

I'm here if you want to talk.

{edit 10/13}

Apparently the story is that I talked with 'someone' yesterday and
used the words 'abuse' 'torture' 'polygamy' 'nazi' and 'ex wife' in
reference to you and skye_ds.

Yesterday:

At work from 7:29-3:29. Did not speak to anyone on the bus ride to
work, nor engage in conversation with coworkers once I arrived.

ICQ with skye_ds and my friend Kahlua, whom you don't know,and you
were not a topic of conversation.

LJ entries: one with quizzes, one a private post

Bus Home. Again, no interaction with fellow passengers regarding my
family or anything else.

Checked on Sweetie, who has been sick.

Shower and change clothes

[aunt L] and [uncle B]'s. Visited with [uncle B], his brother Jim, [aunt L], and [Cousin B].
Your names did not come up.

7-8: [Cousin B] and I went to Krav Maga class. Too busy breathing and trying
to learn new moves to talk.

Back to L&B's, walked with [Cousin B] for about an hour, again, you were not
a topic.

Home, changed the sheets, went to bed. Did not even DREAM about you
or skye_ds.

So, that was my yesterday. I had no phone calls, no emails, no
conversations regarding you and skye_ds AT ALL.

I can't even believe I'm telling you all this, but I am kind of mad.
I'm trying VERY hard to get along with y'all and not make any
trouble, and I'm still getting fucked here. If I'm going to be in
trouble, ANYWAY, I'd rather have done something 'bad' first, ya know?

I am terribly sad that someone needs to make their lives more
interesting by trying to hurt poeple, and you know I've done and said
enough in the past that nobody would need to make anything up or dig
too hard to find hurtful things if they wnated to dredge them up a-
fucking-GAIN. So don't let whoever this is be putting words in my
mouth. You want me to say some shit for you to be pissed off at me
about, talk to me directly and I'll say it mydamnself.

Also, if you didn't know, it stresses skye_ds out to have to hear
about all your anger towards people whom you then don't speak with or
confront directly. It's not fair to put people in the middle like
that, and you know that. If you have no respect or regard for me,
then at least please show some for your legal spouse and stop
upsetting her with your anger at people who are not her.

3709aha

Oct. 27, 2005

So this is why UB isn't logging onto ICQ and speaking to me. I really
wish she and sineater would get over their delusions of importance in my
life. I really do have better things to do than scheme and plot with
Chrisloy and kaleon and whoever to make their lives miserable, or
whatever the fuck. Hell, I've said and done enough mean things in RL,
they really don't need to be making shit up to be pissed off at me
for, and they certainly dont' need to be blaming ME for anything
stupid ol' kaleon says or does. For fucks sake. It's ridiculous.

======================================

This message is not flagged. [ Flag Message - Mark as Unread ]
Date: Thu, 27 Oct 2005 21:25:59 UT
From: "kaleon - LJ Comment
Subject: Re: hm

Kaleon TrueNight MoonShae (kaleon) replied to your LiveJournal comment
in
which you said:

> my hair is about 2" long right now, so I don't know that you'd be

able to

> spend an entire night brushing it.

> BUT I could really go for some nekkid hottubbing, a margarita, and a
> massage.

> Get to work!

> :P

> (you know better than to unscreen this, I'm sure.)

Their reply was:

Subject: Re: hm

lol, that could be fun too. Short hair can be brushed, it's just
kinda
pointless sometimes, but you can still play with it;) Carol had short
hair. I haven't seen a picture of you since you cut your hair, what
do
you look like now?

BTW, sorry for the snide comment to sineater, if you hear about it,
about
his mask. I was trying to compliment him on his work (which I did
help
with, even if he refuses to acknolwedge it now) and just found the
reply
comment a bit unnneeded. I did consider him my friend at the time
(hell,
I still do, it isn't my fault or his fault that he's in a bad
relationship). I hope he at least sees the compliment I made about
his
work to that same guy.

Have a great day hon

3710Re: aha

Oct. 28, 2005

bramblekite
2005-10-27 10:56 pm UTC (link)
I have no idea what 'the mask' thing is you're talking about.

I wish skye_ds and sineater would get over this idea that I have nothing
better to do with my time than plot and scheme against them with
various and sundry ex friends and ex lovers of theirs. I really could
give a shit, ya know? They're not the center of my universe, not by a
long shot, and I've said and done enough shitty things in RL without
them making up shit to be pissed off at me for...

It gets really fuckin' old. I don't think sineater even realizes how far
I've back ed off from him. I still love him and would do anything for
him, but I'm not actively involved in his life nor do I even want to
be anymore. It's sad.
======================================================

Date: Thu, 27 Oct 2005 23:16:22 UT
From: "kaleon - LJ Comment"
Subject: Reply to your comment...

Kaleon TrueNight MoonShae (kaleon) replied to your LiveJournal
comment

Their reply was:

I figured as much, but just didn't want you to hear second hand. I
know you don't like being in the middle and I understand that
completely.
I saw your post about your brother and figured it was about sineater and
was wondering if that might have been the reason for your crying. It
sucks caring for someone who doesn't care for themselves. I usually
don't
bring up attacks and things to you cause I just think it is childish
both
ways when people talk about it. This just struck me as out of the
blue for some reason. It was a post I made on a seperate lj dealing
with
chthulhu magic. A guy had made a mask and I told him that an old
friend and I
had made one a few years back and the friend (sineater) did a really
good job
on it. Next thing I know sineater has come out of nowhere and posted a
reply
to my comment about "exactly what part did you have in the mask, old
friend?" and it just... struck me really shitty, considering it was
someplace completely unrelated to me and was a compliment to boot:(

Sorry if I inadvertently drug you in the middle, I just wasn't sure
how much of the crap you were still having to deal with. I am glad
if you
have backed out, it's best for your own health and wellbeing,
hopefully he'll realize what he's done and eventually make it up to
you. Good
Luck darlin

Kal

========================================

bramblekite
2005-10-28 12:26 pm UTC (link)
Have you ever heard the old saying about "assuming makes an ASS out
of U and ME?"

Well, honey, I wish you (and everyone else) would quit making
assumptions, especially ones based on public LJ posts.

My brother A who recently had a birthday is NOT the same person as my
brother E who has a birthday on November 4.

Although, you were right, I was crying over my brother A on the way
home from my aunt & uncle's.

Please quit making assumptions. It's hurtful. I honesty, seriously,
and in all candor wish you the best in life, but I don't care to be
in the middle of any of this ridiculous nonsense with you and sineater
and skye_ds.

3711Re: aha

Oct. 28, 2005

Squid Boy (sineater) wrote,
@ 2005-10-27 12:55:00

Current mood: indignant
Current music: Diabolus In Musica - Scraping Foetus Off The Wheel
Entry tags: piss off, the chronicles of retard

Advice.
Do not attempt to take credit for something that you had no part of.
Particularly when it is mine.

------------------------------------------------------------

bramblekite
2005-10-27 06:09 pm UTC (link)
I've started a folder at work called "CYA", and in it goes not only
the pissy little crap that my boss is always sniping me about, but
ALSO my extraordinary accomplishments, which I now ALWAYS put a paper
trail on. Paper trails are good.

sorry to hear people are annoying you. Love ya.
(Reply to this)

sineater
2005-10-27 06:56 pm UTC (link)
Shrug. Your friend, not mine.
(Reply to this)(Thread)

(Anonymous)
2005-10-27 10:53 pm UTC (link)
was that a reply to me?

(Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)

woops
bramblekite
2005-10-27 11:24 pm UTC (link)
that was me.

what the heck?
(Reply to this)(Parent)

*smile*
bramblekite
2005-10-28 01:03 pm UTC (link)
Comment Posted Successfully
You give me far too much credit for the control of people's thoughts,
actions, and feelings, who are not me.

I only control me, not people who are well-nigh strangers. I might as
well call you to task for something someone on your LJ friends list
said...wouldn't that be ridiculous?

But the fact that you're digging SO hard for things to be mad about,
says that things must be otherwise going very well for you, so in
that way I can try and be happy for you.

I love you, bro.

Oct. 19, 2005

foodies question
bramblekite
2005-10-17 05:46 pm
The nice Ararat lady emailed me and said there was a foodies dinner
at Ararat on Thursday the 20th, but she didn't say what time it
started or if reservations were required.

Do you have any info, since you're on all the cool kids' mailing
lists and all?

Thanks :)
=====================

Re: foodies question
terriblelynne
2005-10-17 05:59 pm
Like Foodies need an excuse to eat, drink and watch belly dancers.
We don't, but since we have one, let's get together in Ararat's
backyard next Thursday, October 20th from 7 10:00PM.

Here's the schedule.

Mezzes out on buffet at arrival
Hummus, baba ghanouj, maust museer, raw veggies and hot pita bread
Entrees served at 7:45PM
Veggie casserole, roasted lamb, beef stew, grilled veggies, persian
rice, hot tomato sauce, maust museer and hot pida bread
Desserts served after dinner buffet - baklava and choclava
Entertainment
Belly dancing by Yamina - 7:30ish
Belly dancing by Tashar - 8:30ish
Fire dancing by Tashar - 9:15ish
$15.00 - RSVP - a very nice thing

The last Ararat event was a beautiful evening. Remember Ararat is
lesbian owned and operated. Thank you Kelly for planning an amazing
menu and evening. I can't think of a better way to unite and
celebrate community.

Ararat
111 East North Loop
www.araratrestaurant.net

Thank you and good night,

Kitty
beatsagogo@aol.com (i _think_ that's the email to rsvp...lemme know
if it bounces)

============

Re: foodies question
bramblekite
2005-10-17 06:15 pm UTC (link)
OMG, how much do you RAWK!??

Thanks so much. I have email in to Karen at Ararat, too, so I hope
that between the two of 'em I'll get the RSVP in. (& hopefully I
don't have to be a pre-existing 'foodie' member? *worry*)

:)

Thaks very much!
=========================

Re: foodies question
terriblelyne
2005-10-18 01:14 am
Just be prepared to get hit on by girls, with it being a Foodies,
y'know.
===================

Re: foodies question
bramblekite
2005-10-18 04:15 am UTC
I'm sure I'll be horribly offended (kidding!! ;P)

===================

Re: foodies question
terriblelynne
2005-10-18 04:17 am UTC (link)
Well, I know you're not much for being hit on on general principle,
so, just letting you know it's meat-markety.

================

Re: foodies question
bramblekite
2005-10-18 04:25 am UTC
1) I'll be there right after Krav Maga, so I'll be wretched-looking
and

2) I'll be there with my pretty boy cousin, who got all the attention
at last Goddess Night there.

I'm sure I'll be fine :) I think I'm actually pretty clueless when it
comes to being hit on, only the most vulgar attempts actually get on
the radar. All the subtle stuff, I just kind of go "what a nice
person!" like a moron.

I was once told "you understand everything you see" ....which means I
don't see a lot of things. Which, really, is fine.

Now off to dreamland for this clueless puppy. :)
===========

Re: foodies question
terriblelynne
2005-10-19 12:03 am UTC
Yeah, but this is Foodies, meaning it's a lesbian event, and unless
someone thinks he's a girl, people kinda might be wondering why he's
there. And it also might go over quite badly if he approaches anyone.
Honest, I've never seen a guy at a Foodies, so you might want to
rethink that.

========================

REthinking
bramblekite
2005-10-19 11:52 am UTC
Hmm...go by myself after I've made a reservation for two, feel
uncomfortable & unhappy because everybody but me will be there with
at least 1 friend,

OR go with my cousin, a person whose company I always enjoy, someone
I always have fun with and possibly face the disapproving glares of
strangers whose best response would have been ignoring me [edit:
added but not posted in her LJ: or hitting on me disgustingly],
ANYWAY?

Gee, what to do, what to do?

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hm

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last night

Quora: Narcissist sent a catalog from Fingerhut fetti (not junk because I researched

Esquire "The 50 Best Fantasy Books of All Time"

Quora: Why do people act like narcissists have super powers, and are to be feared?

Quora: What difference do you make between a smear campaign and exposing the narcissis

Quora: Is the third party in triangulation a flying monkey

Quora: Do narcissists control others by labeling feelings as drama?

a very belated lightbulb

Drama Reduction Attempt, borrowing liberally from oracle_tx (thank you!)

OMG!

buh

How to stop hogging the spotlight.

3737email w/MOm

bullshit with sineater

3726bullshit with sineater

3727Re: bullshit with sineater

3728Re: bullshit with sineater

3718icq w/A

3712deleted from LJ

ej - aha

3709aha

3710Re: aha

3711Re: aha

3668Potential drama on Thursday

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