evile

 I had a dream on or around Halloween, which is also near my stepdad G's birthday (oct 28)

It started with me in the living room of our greencastle house (but not actually how it was, just kind of the dream version of it), I was making out with one of my old Bookstop coworkers who I'd had a crush on back in the day.

My mom kept going back and forth between the kitchen and the computer/art/work room., puttering in the kitchen,typing stuff on the computer, and every time she'd come through we'd stop.

Eventually he left.

My dad G. came home and started talking with Mom about his day, and his dr.appointment and this and that. I went in and gave him a hug and told him how much I love and miss him. He said "Now, now, Daughter. No tears. It has been the joy of my life caring for your mother and you kids,"

I don't know if I am writing down the words in the right order, but that's the gist of it. I cried anyway even though he told me not to. I miss him so much. I'm glad he's not in pain and glad he's not having to see the political shit show go down...but damn I miss him.

here in RL, I have reached out to my OK family to see about finally selling my bio-dad's property in OKC. I would be splitting the money from the sale 4 ways - my aunt C, my cousin J (her son, my dad's nephew), my cousin L (her daughter, my dad's niece) and me.  Zillow says it's worth about 200,000, so 60K to my aunt for taking care of the property and being the executor, and then the rest to us 'kids'.


We are having new flooring put in the front room. The contractor comes tomorrow for that. We are also ordering pocket doors;  he says he knows  'a door guy' who can install those for us, too.  We are going to make it up into a guest room/sitting/library sort of space and leave plenty of room in case my sister H. decides it would be a good idea to move Mom in and have her estate pay my brother A to be her fulltime care giver.

Colorado is safely blue for now; I am wondering maybe if my husband won't entertain the idea of moving to  Belize, maybe we could go to CO? We have a friend there with a big old house; she is lonely and sad and told us we'd be welcome any time.... I wonder if she'd offer us a place to land if we had to?

Mom has no current ID or passport; I don't think we could move her to Belize. 


I hate this.

I hate this.

I hate this.

OH! but just an aside, I've started taking CBG and it seems to be helping with the crushing depression. I have regular sad but not The Nothing. For now.  It tastes terrible. but it works. :/ 

a back to school dream, where I was working on a spreadsheet and somehow kept  deleting the lines I was working on. Then I was in kind of a handmaids tale where I was sent to live with a douche bro aging frat boy type and his wife, who of course hated me. There was no sex with the dude, I was treated by doctors who put a bunch of stuff up in there via large syringe. They were gloating that they had  pre-sorted the guys sperm so I'd be having a boy, 100% guaranteed. I was mad about being forced to have a child, at all, and apparently even more angry that it was going to be another worthless male that would grow up to be another douche bro. The wife was even madder at me after that. Then something about wandering through a mostly empty house that had some trash and clutter on the floor but no furniture or anything, like a hasty move-out situation...I went into a room that looked like a bedroom but had a toilet just sitting out there, just kind of at one edge of the room.  And a litter box in the closet where there were some 80s clothes hanging up. I had to get dressed for school again and so I picked a big shirt, but as I put it on it just kept getting bigger and bigger until it was kind of a button down dress.  And then I put on like a hat and gloves, so I ended up looking sort of like a plague doctor. Black shirt had a few abstract day glo things on it though.... numbers, maybe? in kind of a blobby funky font? I dunno.

Drank some tea last night before bed that had some herbs that were supposed to be relaxing and healthful...I guess they did a number on my brain. The Solaray Sleep-17 capsules do that to me sometimes too. Anyway, I feel pretty rested now. Been awake for about an hour. Should probably wash and dress and walk dogs if it's not too hot already. Thax wants to go to the pool at the park down the street today. he normally doesn't like swimming. Iguess it is finally hot enough to want to do that. its been a mild summer and things are much greener in August than they usually are. I am not complaining.

 last night's dream, my friend Argo was living in this cool mid-mod lake house with big windows and a lot of different levels inside the house. There was a living room that had some kind of foam ducky shaped pillow and for some reason I started biting it and chewing it up.....was I a dog in this dream? anyway, then I kind of realized what I was doing and got embarassed and tried to cover it up with a throw blanket and some other pillows...

the night before that, or maybe friday night? I dreamed that I was with some people who all lived in tree houses, but also they were kind of Amish?  and there were these branches/ roots that would occasionally grow up through the floors of the treehouses and if they hit a person, they'd just kind of suck all the life out of you.  I think I got that from the show 'Cursed' that we are watching

I wrote about it privately but I don't know if I've said....the 1 year contract that started at the end of May, they termed my contract after 15 working days because they felt I wasn't a good fit, wasn't picking it up quickly enough. Nevermind all the technical issues and all the training  programs that I was supposed to use not working, which basically meant that only 5 or 6 of those days were actually active training days where most everything worked for me and let me use the training environments....not to mention their trainer just kinda sucked.  They wasted a lot of money on a background check, drug test, and shipping computer equipment to me and then back again.... you'd think they would have been  willing to give me at least 3 weeks to get up to speed. Oh well. the company has some bad reviews on Glassdoor/indeed/etc. so I guess I pretty much dodged a bullet there. And I didn't spend this past weekend feeling agitated due to subconsciously dreading Monday so I take that as a good sign that it was, indeed, a bad fit. oh well.  Onward. It was a first and hopefully only time something like that happened to me. Weighing all the positive contracting experiences I've had (and the crap jobs I've had where I did great work in spite of lousy management), I am really gonna have to say it was them, not me. But I do hate job searching and interviewing and all that bullshit.  sigh.

This morning: up at 6, walked dogs with Thax, had coffee, Thax went to work, then I started laundry, went to the grocery store for stuff for this week's dinners. I need to get to the credit union before it gets too hot outside to set up my accounts & beneficiaries for 'payable on death' , then I need to unload and reload the dishwasher, sort and put away laundry, and apply for at least one job. I applied for 2 on Friday. Upcoming trip to Indiana and back to get mom moved is a bit of a bump in that road , but so far ever since I quit my state job (abusive lunatics!! fuck 'em!) my job situation has always managed to work out alright. I have enough for expenses for the next 3-5 months if I'm careful, but I would really like to start putting $ away for property taxes in January and the 2nd opinion on Pepita's hip dysplasia & possible surgery.

Life is good. I am feeling healthy. Dogs are good. Thax's new job is going great. Brother A's tenure at the ACC bookstore is running out this week but he'll be starting a new gig almost right after that so things  in our house are mostly pretty good.

yesterday night was movies in the park at our local park, I had sorta been looking forward to it (I have no life anymore)  but after we got done with supper and walking the dogs, Thax had no more energy and neither did I, really.I think he was wanting me to nag/force/drag him to the park anyhow but I really don't want to have that kind of relationship. I could have gone by myself, i suppose, or taken Boba (he would have liked being in the park with kiddos loving on him) but instead I decided to just let myself be exhausted and go to bed early.  Slept for maybe 9 and  a half hours. My dreams during work training have been really tedious things, more exhausting than not .... talking to myself about training materials and minutiae of the job, just basically almost replaying my day's training and work.  Not restful. 

But last night, probably because  I got enough rest and my brain got things squared away so it went into playtime mode, I had a dream about a silly person of my acquaintance who, in my dream, was name dropping and acting high and mighty about these important people and this important event and these important and well known names within that hoity toity exclusive community....but the person was mispronouncing everything and it was pretty obvious that they didn't know what the hell they were talking about, and then the dream skipped to me somehow attending the event, watching all these rich people in these ridiculous get-ups and crazy hats and dresses and jewelry all going in to this event. It was segregated by gender with the ladies voting or contributing in some way to the female Big Name Winner and the men doing the same for the male Big Name Winner....we went inside,  into the event space/ballroom/thing, and there was a table full of cluttered jumbles of stuff and silent auction forms that had already been started with dummy names and bid amounts to try and gin up the big  numbers, and the ladies were all mingling around, and the silly person of my acquaintance went over to the princess/person in charge and did this Texas Debutante Bow on the floor in front of the Princess, and when the princess finally deigned to notice them, the silly person went into their big spiel about how they had this [mispronounced name] and that [mispronounced event] and this other [mispronounced major award] in common and the princess smiled brightly at Silly Person and stood up and announced to the room, "I'd like to introduce everyone to my cousin Beulah,"  Silly person stood slightly behind Princess and looked somewhat hurt and annoyed because their name is NOT Beulah. But couldn't really say or do anything about being called the wrong name without embarassing themselves so they just had to stand there. In my dream, I kind of chuckled/snorted to myself from my corner of the room

Waking up I realized my brain had chosen one of Silly Person's alter ego names to mispronounce  and that made me laugh in RL. Bella/ Beulah.  


add to that, my paternal grandmother's name was Beulah. another silly little self involved self important person with a lot of silly names and titles in their silly groups . LOL my dreaming brain finds such funny ties between different things that I'd never tied together in waking life. 

and of course there's some part of me that sympatizes/empathizes with a need to belong and be part of some important group or super secret fraternal org or whatever with rituals and costumes and secret passwords and fancy titles and 'degrees'....and part of me thinks all of that is really pointless and ridiculous and meaningless.  

 I don't remember it that clearly; the premise was basically that God was done with this experiment Earth and had left to go do something else.  The devil & various demons were left to rule the earth and for some reason even they were horrified and disgusted by the behavior of humanity towards one another, taking a much more direct hand in intervening to stop rapes and murders....something about how they needed to keep a balance of goodness on the earth so that Hell would be appropriately populated by the worst of the worst.... I dunno, it didn't make much sense.  The earth was basically just like what I've seen in previews for movies like 'the purge'...just people running around and breaking stuff, stealing stuff, beating and killing and raping one another and the demons were like "whoa, y'all are really terrible, no wonder God fucked off"  

I guess in a way it was funny.  "Hell is full and all the devils are here,"......

 two nights; of 'back to college' / 'living in a dorm' type dreams.

tuesday night it was something about my mom going back to school to get her PhD and she was going to be homeless but didn't want us to be homeless so she had some kind of deal or funding with the college to house her kids (I was maybe high school aged in this dream? Brother A and sister H were their respective ages to my high school ish age)  So we were living in a dorm, I guess? or 'adult student housing' but for whatever reasons our mom couldn't live with us so she was homeless and going to school while we stayed in this college housing.

last night I was going back to school, I was in my 20s I guess? had 3 roommates, all pretty/popular girls who were into the whole party scene thing. I was apparently having lots of unprotected sex with various dudes (Chris Hemsworth, Axl Rose - from the 80s/90s not today) .....kinda fun but that was definitely not what I was up to in real college back in the day. At Tulane I was a virgin and at DePauw I was not super active but always safe.  I might make an exception for Thor, though. damn.   Anyway, in my dream I was driving my yellow bug and apparently had only packed like 2 boxes of stuff but that was good because our dorm room had 4 people and was only supposed to hold 2....I was basically sleeping in the room but keeping all my stuff in the car because there wasn't any room for my stuff in our dorm room.

back here  in RL I had a video interview with a staffing agency this morning and I'm browsing the job boards. Nothing too super interesting is coming up but I've put in for  a couple of  things.

Even  after a fairly hefty repair bill for my bug I've got a decent cushion. I don't have to take anything I don't like.

 last night was full of icky dreams.

First part of the dream, all the dogs were barking and freaking out, something in my brother's room. Turns out the toilet and tub were making all these strange noises. I went out to the back yard and the foundation ofthe house was crumbling away in that corner of the house, a sinkhole was opening up. Thax turned off the water supply to the toilet and the noise stopped. I said something about how we were going to have to tell my brother A. not to use the toilet or tub until we had it fixed. Then, later in the dream,  A was going to try and fix it himself.

Someone then told me my brother sineater was finally going to divorce his wife skye_ds.  I went to whereverhe was  (a restaurant? cafe?) and he was signing pages and pages of a divorce document. He said something about how he'd never been good at finding all the places on documents where he was supposed to sign and apparently it had been a major problem because he had all these messed up contracts in his life and business because he hadn't signed all the pages. Apparently the deciding factor was that he had seen a video online on one of skye_ds social media pages of her killing a horse on purpose. He showed me the video...like a bunch of people on a trail ride and the camera was somewhere above the riders, then one of the horses was rolling around on the ground apparently in some great pain...and she was just kind of preaching/yelling/lecturing everyone else on the ride to just go around it, just ignore it(?) . She was wearing a baseball cap and had her hair kind of in a knotted bun tied with what looked like fishing net? it was weird. So that finally made him decide to get a divorce.

Then I was at a funeral of ..someone? Sineaters grandmother? and there was a big envelope full of condolence cards and letters. One of them was from someone named "Sami" who said he had known my mother in college and was my real father and was finally ready to meet me. but apparently his contact info was on the envelope and I had somehow set it aside and lost it when I opened it up to read all the cards and letters and I was searching for the envelope and asking if anyone had thrown it away.

And...something about my house also being a horse stable?

I dunno. fucked up times in dreamland.  ick ick ick. brain bleach, please.

I was taking care of my friend Dee's parents, who were both dying.  Her father (In my dreams, he looked like John Amos, the actor from Good Times) was laying in bed, reaching above his head towards the window. I asked him what he wanted and apparently it was something outside.  I didn't know what he wanted.

Then my dream 'skipped' and her parents had passed and for some reason my SIL skye_ds was suing the estate for ...something? land?   I was trying to text her husband, my brother sineater, to suggest that with all the time and money she was sinking into lawsuits, she could probably just buy whatever land she wanted and not tie the estate up in court so badly, but the machine I was texting with (it was a tablet of some kind, not a phone?) was just picking up text from a newspaper story and throwing in autocorrected nonsense so that only about every third or fourth word was actually typed by me and the rest was just nonsense. I was trying to fix it but it just kept getting worse and worse. I decided to try and text him with my phone instead of the tablet, because I assumed the tablet had gotten a virus or something. 

And then my mom was telling me that a particular piece of land owned by the family/estate  [south of Dallas, north of Austin, as far as I know no one I know owns land in that area, wtf] was a 'mesquite field' and it was 'sacred medicine' and we could not allow it to be destroyed and developed because of the 'mesquite medicine' of the land.

Anyhoo....stressful.  My stepdad and mom, here in RL, had all of their stuff put together by a good law firm specializing in elder law and estate planning, so I'm pretty sure that when my mom passes, everything will go smoothly.  Also here in RL, apparently even though my stepdad did have everything spelled out clearly, it took from end of Sept when he died to end of Jan for my sister to get all of his death stuff sorted and get the accounts set up so that she could continue to pay for mom's care facility, etc.    So even when people are careful about it, there's still bureaucratic hoops.

my bio dad did not have anything spelled out. He died in 2012 and his house is still in limbo as far as i know. it stresses me out when I think about it, so I try not to. And I feel like if I call my aunt, his sister, about it, it will be interpreted as me being money grubbing. I don't want anything out of it, I just want it squared away so that at some point it doesn't come back to bite me in the ass with unpaid property taxes or whatever else.  Anyway....I don't call her often and I just feel awkward about it.

and of course I don't have any of my stuff squared away,either.


I dreamed about Flavio one night this week, and then about my friends Bart and Pam another night. More dead folks. Pleasant and fun dreams, nothing terrible.  I feel like they are letting me know I'll be seeing them again sooner  than I expect so I need to get stuff taken care of. ;/   I'd like to outlive Trump. so hopefully that will happen. As far as I know I have no health problems other than allergies which are bad right now...my ears are congested and the lymph nodes in my throat feel swollen.    I could also just be having anxiety because my contract that I've been working for the last 2+ years is ending next month.  that's a 'death' of sorts, but I honestly can't find much fear or anxiety in my conscious mind over it. Ever since I quit my horrible crazy abusive state job in 2018 my life has been pretty good and I haven't gone for very long between jobs. Everything just seems to fall easily into place for me these days.  The national unemployment rate is low and life is pretty darn good. And if worse comes to worse, I have investments I can tap for $. Plus Thax and my brother A are both employed and contributing to the household, so we are all gonna be fine.

Anyhoo.. Dee's parents have both been gone for a long time. Her father died I think while we were still college-aged, and her mom passed when we were in our 30s. Her dad was big and stern, he scared me a bit, but as I recall he was also pretty funny at times. Her mom was a tiny little firecracker, she taught school and just had a lot of energy. I hadn't really thought much about them in ages. Dee is on her own path now; she is a new age pagan priestess and she does workshops and stuff. I am proud of her but I don't do the woo-woo and I think that's disappointed her a bit. 

I'm just babbling now. I guess I'd better get back to work.  Sometimes dreaming brain sticks with me for hours into my waking life, trying to unravel whatever messages my subconscious was trying to get across. Mesquite magic, windows, tending to the dying/dead, lawsuits/stress/SIL & whatever she represents to my dream-self. hm. 

 last night's dream, I don't remember too much. I was sort of a wonder woman type superhero and was paired up with a superman type superhero and we would go to, like strip malls (Michaels/ Joanns type craft shop imagery here, not sure what it  had to do with anything else in the dream) and go fight crimes and bust up asteroids menacing the planet and pose for photos and do autographs and bla bla, but turns out he was just some guy in a suit and basically my job was to fight the crimes/bust the asteroids/ fly around looking awesome, while also holding him up to make it look like he was flying and doing stuff, too. And he was bitching at me because somehow something I'd done had made some paint on his suit crack and look bad and I shouldn't have flown so fast or so high or held him that certain way or some bullshit like that. (maybe we were getting paint for his suit at the craft store?)  I don't know if maybe he was invulnerable but just couldn't fly and I had to make him look better, or if he was really just some shlub. He was kind of a Homelander (The Boys) type looking character. 

I think maybe my brain is tired of me following politics; someone yesterday mentioned how Ron Desantis looks like Homelander and so maybe the guy in my dream was  Ron DeSantis

Anyhoo ick and yuck and gee brain could y ou beat me any harder over the head with overwrought symbolism about feminism and how women are treated in this goddamn country, even or especially by people who are supposed to be their teammates.

I don't think this was about Thax or my marriage, and I don't have any male teammates at work that I work with closely. I did get fucked out of my 2nd-to-last state job by some mediocre males, so maybe this was something about that? I did have a work dream a night or two ago so maybe my brain is still chewing thru that in some way

I dunno. I woke up with a big headache and exhausted.  I might also be having anxiety because there was a meeting at work a few weeks ago saying that some projects were ending and they'd be reducing head count by end of month, but try to let us know at least two weeks in advance of the new end of contract date.

there's a lot of jobs out there. I don't like filling out applications (especially the capps state app, it's a shitty website) and I don't like interviewing. I can do pretty much anything admin/data entry/ attention to detail-ish, but I don't like applying and interviewing. 

 Strange night in dreamland. Back at the old state job, I was in the elevator and suddenly instead of being inside the elevator car, I was on top of it and then it dropped out from under me. I hung on to the wall and made my way out of the elevator shaft by taking the panels off of a little maintenance cut-out, and when I crawled through the hole, I was suddenly on the lawn of the State Capitol and my clothes were all messed up and people were staring at me as I wandered across the lawn trying to get myself together.

[I had actually had strange elevator dreams the previous night as well, in that one I was in a wierd house/spa/gym/place in steampunk gear with Thax and our friends Monica and Flavio. The elevator in that dream took us through all kinds of strange places, including downtown austin to the headquarters of some secret society like the masons or something like that, who were the owners of the house through a bunch of wierd corporations and shell companies, it was like a cult. Anyway, elevator dreams two nights in a row. what's that about?]

Then I was meeting with an academic advisor about whether to go to some place in Europe to do journalism, or some place in the Caribbean to tag and rescue sea life & plant mangroves and stuff.