dream

Nov. 7th, 2024 11:11 am
evile: (deadmoon)
 I had a dream on or around Halloween, which is also near my stepdad G's birthday (oct 28)

It started with me in the living room of our greencastle house (but not actually how it was, just kind of the dream version of it), I was making out with one of my old Bookstop coworkers who I'd had a crush on back in the day.

My mom kept going back and forth between the kitchen and the computer/art/work room., puttering in the kitchen,typing stuff on the computer, and every time she'd come through we'd stop.

Eventually he left.

My dad G. came home and started talking with Mom about his day, and his dr.appointment and this and that. I went in and gave him a hug and told him how much I love and miss him. He said "Now, now, Daughter. No tears. It has been the joy of my life caring for your mother and you kids,"

I don't know if I am writing down the words in the right order, but that's the gist of it. I cried anyway even though he told me not to. I miss him so much. I'm glad he's not in pain and glad he's not having to see the political shit show go down...but damn I miss him.

here in RL, I have reached out to my OK family to see about finally selling my bio-dad's property in OKC. I would be splitting the money from the sale 4 ways - my aunt C, my cousin J (her son, my dad's nephew), my cousin L (her daughter, my dad's niece) and me.  Zillow says it's worth about 200,000, so 60K to my aunt for taking care of the property and being the executor, and then the rest to us 'kids'.


We are having new flooring put in the front room. The contractor comes tomorrow for that. We are also ordering pocket doors;  he says he knows  'a door guy' who can install those for us, too.  We are going to make it up into a guest room/sitting/library sort of space and leave plenty of room in case my sister H. decides it would be a good idea to move Mom in and have her estate pay my brother A to be her fulltime care giver.

Colorado is safely blue for now; I am wondering maybe if my husband won't entertain the idea of moving to  Belize, maybe we could go to CO? We have a friend there with a big old house; she is lonely and sad and told us we'd be welcome any time.... I wonder if she'd offer us a place to land if we had to?

Mom has no current ID or passport; I don't think we could move her to Belize. 


I hate this.

I hate this.

I hate this.

OH! but just an aside, I've started taking CBG and it seems to be helping with the crushing depression. I have regular sad but not The Nothing. For now.  It tastes terrible. but it works. :/ 

evile: (taurusgirl)
got up at 6, walked dogs with Thax, went back to bed.  Dreamed that I was in a big old house....it had very strange plaster frescoes on the wall. I was there with my mom. I think it was supposed to be G/Dad's house in greencastle, but it wasn't really their house....I was staying in the attic room which had a set of stairs on the outside of the house leading to a door that went into the attic room. I kept being woken up hearing someone trying to open that door, which was locked by means of a screen door hook latch that was on a very long eye bolt that was drilled into the frame of the door. Mom and I went to look at it, because I guess I told her that someone was trying to get in that door and she didnt' believe me? so we went and looked and it had been tried enough times that the wood around the eye bolt threads was shredded and the eye bolt could just come out....so we pushed an empty bookcase in front of the door. It probably wouldn't stop the person from coming in but the noise of the book case being knocked over would maybe wake everyone up.  In my dream mom was like she used to be, not the pleasant vague person she is now.

Anyway, I got up again, had breakfast, washed up and went to see her. Aunt l. was there when i arrived, but she left pretty quick. I had brought my dog Sunny, who did alright. was nervous in an unfamiliar place but did ok otherwise.  She liked sniffing around in the backyard. Mom says she doesn't get out much when I asked her if she had seen the back yard. Maybe when the weather is cooler, or if we go over earlier in the morning or later in the evening we can sit outside. If she wants to. Mostly she wants to stay in bed. She asked me if G. had cancer, and I said yes. I teared up some, and said I miss him every day. She then asked me  "Why did G. let himself get ... bamboozled?" and then she shook her head and said "I don't know what I'm trying to say,"....:(  she's processing the grief and h er brain is not helping her. anyway, Sunny behaved and she enjoyed the back yard. The owner's two dogs were there, black lab mix types. Very sweet boys. I think Sunny would have enjoyed them if she'd been off leash too, but I wasn't sure if I should let her run around the house without a leash on. anyway.....depressing. mom seems in good health. I left when they came to get her for lunch. she wanted to go to the table and eat with everyone. I take that as a good sign. My brother A. seems to think they're not feeding her enough, and not feeding her what she likes to eat....but she's in bed most of the day, she doesn't need that many calories.... so? I asked mom if she liked the food and she said yes.  At the old place in Greencastle, she'd say "It's adequate," in a way that suggested she didn't much like it. so....she does manage to get some things across pretty well. It's just a lot of effort for her to put her thoughts together and say stuff. I hate  to see her struggling like that  :( 

I got an email Tuesday morning with my start date and time for my next temp gig. It starts 8/12. I have  jury duty 8/13. I have been calling and emailing the jury duty people to try and get a postponement or something. I know that 'the law' says a person can't be fired for going to jury duty but the law is pretty thin when it comes to protecting temps. They could just say they let me go for 'not being a good fit' and that would be that and I'd be looking for work again. 

I dont' know what mom was trying to ask about the 'bamboozled'? I told her that the cancer was very fast growing and that G had been seeing his doctor regularly and managing his diabetes and his rheumatoid arthritis and doing his best to stay healthy ....cancer is just a fucking ugly beast.  It came fast and took him fast.   OTOH, I watched my bio dad fight cancer for a couple of years after his diagnosis and '6 months to live' prognosis, and that was fucking ugly and heartbreaking too. 

Pepita is coughing today. I gave her a benadryl and let her lick some honey off a spoon. It's not like when Boba had kennel cough with all of the foamy phlegm....but it is worrying me. 
evile: (Default)
a back to school dream, where I was working on a spreadsheet and somehow kept  deleting the lines I was working on. Then I was in kind of a handmaids tale where I was sent to live with a douche bro aging frat boy type and his wife, who of course hated me. There was no sex with the dude, I was treated by doctors who put a bunch of stuff up in there via large syringe. They were gloating that they had  pre-sorted the guys sperm so I'd be having a boy, 100% guaranteed. I was mad about being forced to have a child, at all, and apparently even more angry that it was going to be another worthless male that would grow up to be another douche bro. The wife was even madder at me after that. Then something about wandering through a mostly empty house that had some trash and clutter on the floor but no furniture or anything, like a hasty move-out situation...I went into a room that looked like a bedroom but had a toilet just sitting out there, just kind of at one edge of the room.  And a litter box in the closet where there were some 80s clothes hanging up. I had to get dressed for school again and so I picked a big shirt, but as I put it on it just kept getting bigger and bigger until it was kind of a button down dress.  And then I put on like a hat and gloves, so I ended up looking sort of like a plague doctor. Black shirt had a few abstract day glo things on it though.... numbers, maybe? in kind of a blobby funky font? I dunno.

Drank some tea last night before bed that had some herbs that were supposed to be relaxing and healthful...I guess they did a number on my brain. The Solaray Sleep-17 capsules do that to me sometimes too. Anyway, I feel pretty rested now. Been awake for about an hour. Should probably wash and dress and walk dogs if it's not too hot already. Thax wants to go to the pool at the park down the street today. he normally doesn't like swimming. Iguess it is finally hot enough to want to do that. its been a mild summer and things are much greener in August than they usually are. I am not complaining.

dreams

Jul. 9th, 2024 09:58 am
evile: (hedgehog1)
I dreamed I was in New Orleans with Thax. It was Mardi Gras season and we were hanging out with all the people I knew from Tulane. I recognized their faces but couldn't remember their names. We all went to a parade in a big car. Mardi gras beads kept falling in the windshield to the point where we couldn't see out anymore. The person driving just turned on the windshield wipers and all the beads fell on the ground and we drove away...

The place in my dream was the Vegas/New Orleans mashup place that I dream about from time to time.

---------------

Here in RL, I got up at 6, everyone was sleepy but we eventually got our morning walk. Home, washed & dressed, went to the dentist and got my filling. New dentist is taking over my old dentist's practice. She did a good job, I guess. The anesthetic was focused on the tooth/gum and didn't spill over into my lips, tongue, or cheek so I'm not drooly or droopy. I am congested with allergies so it felt like I couldn't breathe while she was working on me, but I never lost the ability to breathe through my nose, my throat just feels full of gunk and my ears are itchy. And my head hurts. And my eyes sting. Sinus/allergy stuff, I'm sure.

Came home and changed all the filters in the house - A/C and two air purifiers - one in the living room and one in our bedroom.

When I got dressed this morning I noticed that all of my bras smell bad, musty....and they are mostly all pretty worn out and dingey looking. I went ahead and threw them all in the wash with extra sanitizer and borax. I'll need to put a sachet in that drawer, too, just to dispel some of the funk. Sometimes I think my sense of smell is haywire.

I have a headache and I'm very tired.

I had a phone call with a heavily accented recruiter on a bad connection; it was kind of a useless phone call. She then emailed me and wanted the last 4 of my social security number and my date of birth so that when other people from her office call me I can verify I am the correct 'me' with them....I think either it's a scam or it's just really wierd and bad feeling. Either way I don't think I'm giving her any of my info. I am getting at least 2 Indian recruiting centers calling me now, and their process seems inefficient and ineffective. One will call, we'll talk, then the next guy from the same company will call, ask me the same questions, and then apparently there are more calls with the recruiters .... in the past, with my temp agencies I've worked with, I talk with the recruiter once or twice, maybe, and then I talk with the hiring manager or supervisor at the actual company where I'll be assigned to work. And then when that works out, the recruiter will call me back and I'll do the onboarding where I give my personal info. I dont' want to give that info for more interviews with the recruiter. They've read me the job description, given me hours and pay and length of contract, we've gone over my resume and relevant experiences...that should be all they need to either move forward with placing me or letting me know I'm not the best candidate. Anyway, all this round and round on the phone isn't getting me anywhere with them so I'm going to quit dealing with them. How are they getting paid if they don't place anyone and just do these endless rounds of phone screens asking the same questions again and again?

Oh well. I'll keep pluggin away....the work from homes are gone, ti's all hybrid or in office and I really don't wanna. :/

Next week I am out of town, flying up to IN, then driving back with mom, sister H , niece E, and aunt L.
evile: (mask)
 last night's dream, my friend Argo was living in this cool mid-mod lake house with big windows and a lot of different levels inside the house. There was a living room that had some kind of foam ducky shaped pillow and for some reason I started biting it and chewing it up.....was I a dog in this dream? anyway, then I kind of realized what I was doing and got embarassed and tried to cover it up with a throw blanket and some other pillows...

the night before that, or maybe friday night? I dreamed that I was with some people who all lived in tree houses, but also they were kind of Amish?  and there were these branches/ roots that would occasionally grow up through the floors of the treehouses and if they hit a person, they'd just kind of suck all the life out of you.  I think I got that from the show 'Cursed' that we are watching

I wrote about it privately but I don't know if I've said....the 1 year contract that started at the end of May, they termed my contract after 15 working days because they felt I wasn't a good fit, wasn't picking it up quickly enough. Nevermind all the technical issues and all the training  programs that I was supposed to use not working, which basically meant that only 5 or 6 of those days were actually active training days where most everything worked for me and let me use the training environments....not to mention their trainer just kinda sucked.  They wasted a lot of money on a background check, drug test, and shipping computer equipment to me and then back again.... you'd think they would have been  willing to give me at least 3 weeks to get up to speed. Oh well. the company has some bad reviews on Glassdoor/indeed/etc. so I guess I pretty much dodged a bullet there. And I didn't spend this past weekend feeling agitated due to subconsciously dreading Monday so I take that as a good sign that it was, indeed, a bad fit. oh well.  Onward. It was a first and hopefully only time something like that happened to me. Weighing all the positive contracting experiences I've had (and the crap jobs I've had where I did great work in spite of lousy management), I am really gonna have to say it was them, not me. But I do hate job searching and interviewing and all that bullshit.  sigh.

This morning: up at 6, walked dogs with Thax, had coffee, Thax went to work, then I started laundry, went to the grocery store for stuff for this week's dinners. I need to get to the credit union before it gets too hot outside to set up my accounts & beneficiaries for 'payable on death' , then I need to unload and reload the dishwasher, sort and put away laundry, and apply for at least one job. I applied for 2 on Friday. Upcoming trip to Indiana and back to get mom moved is a bit of a bump in that road , but so far ever since I quit my state job (abusive lunatics!! fuck 'em!) my job situation has always managed to work out alright. I have enough for expenses for the next 3-5 months if I'm careful, but I would really like to start putting $ away for property taxes in January and the 2nd opinion on Pepita's hip dysplasia & possible surgery.

Life is good. I am feeling healthy. Dogs are good. Thax's new job is going great. Brother A's tenure at the ACC
 bookstore is running out this week but he'll be starting a new gig almost right after that so things  in our house are mostly pretty good.
evile: (coyote)
 spent the weekend feeling bored and unhappy. did some laundry. made pancakes sunday morning that weren't rocks but weren't all that great. I've never been able to make a pancake.

Took the dogs to the dog park saturday evening. Took the dogs to Bull Creek Park Sunday. That was crowded and not entirely pleasant but I wanted to be out of the house. 

I never feel like I am using my weekends/ free time wisely or well. There's always work to do and I never want to do it. But I never feel like I can be free to do anything 'fun' if there' work to do. and somehow zoning out with computer or phone doom scrolling is my only get out of jail free card I can use in the 'if you haven't done any work, you don't get any fun' conundrum. dissociating is a free space on the game board of 'bored/uhappy' I guess....

work is a steep learning curve and I got cut ouf of the main group of trainees due to my technical problems and haven't been let back in so it's just me and the trainer trading messages and i don't feel like I hear anything positive, only about my mistakes. Which is my own brain-weevil left over from 20+ years of abuse at the state. I should not be a baby about this and understand my place...it's a 1 year contract, they don't owe me anything other than a paycheck. I don't owe them anything other than 40 hours of sincere effort per week.  my job is not who I am and how easily it comes to me, or doesn't, is not a measure of how good or bad I am as a human being. and, besides all that, if I was doing that badly, the company would just call my staffing agency and say 'this one is a dud, send us another,'.and that hasn't happened, so everything is OK no matter how much I think I am floundering.

I am not looking forward to the changes  in my life that will come when my mom is moved to a facility here in town; I am not looking forward to adding that trip to her place daily to my routine. And my sister picked a location that isn't easy for my brother to get to on his bike, and I know he will want to see her daily. so I'll probably be giving him rides, and then just sitting there while he entertains her. Mom loves A and they have a similar sense of humor and get along well. I did not get along well with my mom when she was 100% all there, and I don't really know what to do or say with the person she has become. I am sad and angry that she has wanted to die for ...well, my entire life, but definitely the last 2 years, and that can't  happen....the waste of resources to take care of someone who doesn't even want to be here is galling and inhumane, to my mind. which makes me feel guilty, like I"m just vulturing around for my stepdads' money which is absolutely not the thing of it AT ALL....just, I hate this for her. But her last suicide attempt that she made when she was in any mental state to make that kind of decision, didn't work, and here we all are. 

I dreamed about Anthony Bourdain last night; there was a gathering of people, his ex mother in law was supervising me as I made some favorite pasta dish for everyone. I didn't have enough of the right kind of noodles.  Once it was ready, some people took large plates and secnd while other people had not even taken a first serving.I took a small portion, just a couple of spoonfulls of pasta and sauce an some veg, trying to leave some for others... and then there was something about his daughter had an immune disorder and his ex wife was telling me about it and I was worried because the kid hadn 't gotten a plate or anything to eat when everyone else did... I dunno, it was stressful.

anyway.... life goes on whether we like it or not. 

yesterday was tough. Father's day.   I should not take  my remaining father figure for granted, m y uncle B is my godfather, and he's done a really good job of being there for me. Probably better than my bio dad (he was likely avoidant/on the spectrum + my mom made it very difficult for him and me to connect)...and my mom said sharp/critical/mean spirited things to/about/around me and my stepdad bonding/talking, too....unplesant person she was. yup. 


evile: (lamson)
yesterday night was movies in the park at our local park, I had sorta been looking forward to it (I have no life anymore)  but after we got done with supper and walking the dogs, Thax had no more energy and neither did I, really.I think he was wanting me to nag/force/drag him to the park anyhow but I really don't want to have that kind of relationship. I could have gone by myself, i suppose, or taken Boba (he would have liked being in the park with kiddos loving on him) but instead I decided to just let myself be exhausted and go to bed early.  Slept for maybe 9 and  a half hours. My dreams during work training have been really tedious things, more exhausting than not .... talking to myself about training materials and minutiae of the job, just basically almost replaying my day's training and work.  Not restful. 

But last night, probably because  I got enough rest and my brain got things squared away so it went into playtime mode, I had a dream about a silly person of my acquaintance who, in my dream, was name dropping and acting high and mighty about these important people and this important event and these important and well known names within that hoity toity exclusive community....but the person was mispronouncing everything and it was pretty obvious that they didn't know what the hell they were talking about, and then the dream skipped to me somehow attending the event, watching all these rich people in these ridiculous get-ups and crazy hats and dresses and jewelry all going in to this event. It was segregated by gender with the ladies voting or contributing in some way to the female Big Name Winner and the men doing the same for the male Big Name Winner....we went inside,  into the event space/ballroom/thing, and there was a table full of cluttered jumbles of stuff and silent auction forms that had already been started with dummy names and bid amounts to try and gin up the big  numbers, and the ladies were all mingling around, and the silly person of my acquaintance went over to the princess/person in charge and did this Texas Debutante Bow on the floor in front of the Princess, and when the princess finally deigned to notice them, the silly person went into their big spiel about how they had this [mispronounced name] and that [mispronounced event] and this other [mispronounced major award] in common and the princess smiled brightly at Silly Person and stood up and announced to the room, "I'd like to introduce everyone to my cousin Beulah,"  Silly person stood slightly behind Princess and looked somewhat hurt and annoyed because their name is NOT Beulah. But couldn't really say or do anything about being called the wrong name without embarassing themselves so they just had to stand there. In my dream, I kind of chuckled/snorted to myself from my corner of the room

Waking up I realized my brain had chosen one of Silly Person's alter ego names to mispronounce  and that made me laugh in RL. Bella/ Beulah.  


add to that, my paternal grandmother's name was Beulah. another silly little self involved self important person with a lot of silly names and titles in their silly groups . LOL my dreaming brain finds such funny ties between different things that I'd never tied together in waking life. 

and of course there's some part of me that sympatizes/empathizes with a need to belong and be part of some important group or super secret fraternal org or whatever with rituals and costumes and secret passwords and fancy titles and 'degrees'....and part of me thinks all of that is really pointless and ridiculous and meaningless.  


evile: (Default)
 Dreamed about cruising last night. A mix of the Geek Cruise and Steampunk Cruise folks, going to Alaska on a HUGE ship. Like, so big that we hardly ever even saw the ocean from wherever we went onboard, and there was no motion at all. We got to Alaska and it was hot and humid. Someone said something about global warming. We were going to stay overnight in whatever port. There was shopping (for some reason I had only packed two pairs of socks and two pairs of underpants for the whole cruise so I was having to buy more) and some kind of 'authentic' meal being served in this big log cabin type building. There were locals around making a show of prepping the meal but our plates were brought to us by our normal onboard waitstaff. We had brought a collection of Flavio's walking sticks so that he'd be with us, at least symbolically.
 
evile: (declutter)
 I don't remember it that clearly; the premise was basically that God was done with this experiment Earth and had left to go do something else.  The devil & various demons were left to rule the earth and for some reason even they were horrified and disgusted by the behavior of humanity towards one another, taking a much more direct hand in intervening to stop rapes and murders....something about how they needed to keep a balance of goodness on the earth so that Hell would be appropriately populated by the worst of the worst.... I dunno, it didn't make much sense.  The earth was basically just like what I've seen in previews for movies like 'the purge'...just people running around and breaking stuff, stealing stuff, beating and killing and raping one another and the demons were like "whoa, y'all are really terrible, no wonder God fucked off"  

I guess in a way it was funny.  "Hell is full and all the devils are here,"......

dreams

May. 7th, 2024 11:31 am
evile: (declutter)
 last two nights in dreamland have been pretty shitty.  yesterday morning, I woke up from a dream where I was having a meal or coffee with my friend Rio, then we noticed that Thax was at another table, sort of obscured by some big thing (like a brewery tank?) At first we were all, "aww, cute coincidence, my husband is here, too" and then I peeked all the way round and saw his whole table and he was sitting with a younger blonde woman. He explained that he was just helping her out by paying for her apartment for awhile.  At that point I felt they were having an affair and I calmly and cheerfully said "Oh, so since you're paying for her place to live, you can go live there too. Give me your house key, please," and I just took his housekey and left with Rio. I was mad but I didn't make any kind of drama, just got his key and left. Was thinking to myself that we'd have to work out details of him picking up and moving all his stuff out of my house at some point but  I was ready and Ok....at some point, Thax changed from being Thax to being this guy I dated when I was 21, a loser named Joe....  (back in RL, Joe was actually sleeping with someone while we dated, many years later he sent me a photo of his wife and son and some quick  math caused me to realize that he knocked her up while we were together. ick. Dodged a bullet.) Anyhoo....that was unpleasant, woke me up feeling bad and sick.

last night I was...somewhere? hotel? house?  It was a party? someplace kind of cluttered and dirty, talking with my ex friend X. Her two older kids were married and having kids of their own, but all living together in this dirty place. X's husband M was there and giving me the stinkeye and saying random mean things whenever he walked by. X was also pregnant. I was either telling or texting my aunt about the pregnancy as I was leaving and telling her that having a baby at 53 is a bad idea, the kid would probably be disabled in some way....and then there was something about flying on a plane and talking to someone at a service counter about losing my suitcase, apparently I hadn't checked it properly or labeled it properly or something....and I was hoping that the tag with my name, address, and phone number would help the hotel/airline / someone to get the suitcase back to me. But since it was lost on my way home, I wasn't that worried because I had clothing and toiletries at home.  Anyway, I was mad at X for being so dumb as to get pregnant in her early 50s, and having a dirty messy place where her whole family lived and nobody bothered to keep it tidy or have any kind of home routine....


so anyway...anxiety dreams, I guess. Maybe fallout from spending time with my widowed friend...grief and trauma. 

I really need to get my shit together, get my death stuff squared away, and start a new job.

I have a final interview pending for this week, the recruiter is setting up a time for me to talk with the employer. 

I've been keeping a normal schedule; up in the morning, walk dogs, breakfast and coffee, then job hunting and such. Probably ought to clean house.  

dreams

Apr. 11th, 2024 12:42 pm
evile: (taurusgirl)
 two nights; of 'back to college' / 'living in a dorm' type dreams.

tuesday night it was something about my mom going back to school to get her PhD and she was going to be homeless but didn't want us to be homeless so she had some kind of deal or funding with the college to house her kids (I was maybe high school aged in this dream? Brother A and sister H were their respective ages to my high school ish age)  So we were living in a dorm, I guess? or 'adult student housing' but for whatever reasons our mom couldn't live with us so she was homeless and going to school while we stayed in this college housing.

last night I was going back to school, I was in my 20s I guess? had 3 roommates, all pretty/popular girls who were into the whole party scene thing. I was apparently having lots of unprotected sex with various dudes (Chris Hemsworth, Axl Rose - from the 80s/90s not today) .....kinda fun but that was definitely not what I was up to in real college back in the day. At Tulane I was a virgin and at DePauw I was not super active but always safe.  I might make an exception for Thor, though. damn.   Anyway, in my dream I was driving my yellow bug and apparently had only packed like 2 boxes of stuff but that was good because our dorm room had 4 people and was only supposed to hold 2....I was basically sleeping in the room but keeping all my stuff in the car because there wasn't any room for my stuff in our dorm room.

back here  in RL I had a video interview with a staffing agency this morning and I'm browsing the job boards. Nothing too super interesting is coming up but I've put in for  a couple of  things.

Even  after a fairly hefty repair bill for my bug I've got a decent cushion. I don't have to take anything I don't like.
evile: (freedom)
I had a 'back to college' dream that started with me at WGRE talking with one of Greg's best students, and ended with me talking about AI with Elon Musk. As he talked and described it, I was creating sort of a 3-d mixed media collage that was going to somehow become the AI. The thing Elon loved about AI, and the thing that scared me about it, was that each person's AI robot or assistant was 100% focused on the person who owned it; the ultimate expression of libertarianism. The AI would meet their person's wants/needs 100% without consideration for anything else - the planet, other people, finite resources, what have you. Elon talked about how even as an infant your mother doesn't do that for you because she still has her own wants and needs, a spouse, perhaps other children, all of whom she wishes to interact with and help meet their needs, as well as her own. He seemed to be wanting this AI as sort of the best mommy a boy could have...and I was trying to explain to him that human beings' wants and needs are complicated and many contain within them seeds of self destruction, and that an AI would not recognize or care that in meeting a want or need of its owner, it was helping the owner to die.... it was a weird and creepy conversation. And, kind of the billionaire oligarch mindset in a nutshell.

dreams

Mar. 1st, 2024 09:44 am
evile: (deadmoon)
 last night was full of icky dreams.

First part of the dream, all the dogs were barking and freaking out, something in my brother's room. Turns out the toilet and tub were making all these strange noises. I went out to the back yard and the foundation ofthe house was crumbling away in that corner of the house, a sinkhole was opening up. Thax turned off the water supply to the toilet and the noise stopped. I said something about how we were going to have to tell my brother A. not to use the toilet or tub until we had it fixed. Then, later in the dream,  A was going to try and fix it himself.

Someone then told me my brother sineater was finally going to divorce his wife skye_ds.  I went to whereverhe was  (a restaurant? cafe?) and he was signing pages and pages of a divorce document. He said something about how he'd never been good at finding all the places on documents where he was supposed to sign and apparently it had been a major problem because he had all these messed up contracts in his life and business because he hadn't signed all the pages. Apparently the deciding factor was that he had seen a video online on one of skye_ds social media pages of her killing a horse on purpose. He showed me the video...like a bunch of people on a trail ride and the camera was somewhere above the riders, then one of the horses was rolling around on the ground apparently in some great pain...and she was just kind of preaching/yelling/lecturing everyone else on the ride to just go around it, just ignore it(?) . She was wearing a baseball cap and had her hair kind of in a knotted bun tied with what looked like fishing net? it was weird. So that finally made him decide to get a divorce.

Then I was at a funeral of ..someone? Sineaters grandmother? and there was a big envelope full of condolence cards and letters. One of them was from someone named "Sami" who said he had known my mother in college and was my real father and was finally ready to meet me. but apparently his contact info was on the envelope and I had somehow set it aside and lost it when I opened it up to read all the cards and letters and I was searching for the envelope and asking if anyone had thrown it away.

And...something about my house also being a horse stable?

I dunno. fucked up times in dreamland.  ick ick ick. brain bleach, please.

dreams

Feb. 24th, 2024 08:32 am
evile: (Default)
I was in the old family home (noplace I recognize in RL) it was empty and white with high ceilings.  I was working at a cheapy IKEA type desk on my work computer. My sister came and she needed to work too so she took one of my cords to use for her computer and then somehow she left or stopped working and gave me the wrong cord back so I couldn't clock out or do my time for the week and I was kinda freaking out. My stepdad showed up and found his notes on the stuff he'd used to make my computer for me and found me the right cord.

My aunt L. went to Jamaica to volunteer at an orphanage school or a school for indigent children or something like that.

I was talking with someone about how this year is my Saturn Return 

This song was in my head when I woke up

ick dreams

Feb. 9th, 2024 09:58 am
evile: (declutter)
I was taking care of my friend Dee's parents, who were both dying.  Her father (In my dreams, he looked like John Amos, the actor from Good Times) was laying in bed, reaching above his head towards the window. I asked him what he wanted and apparently it was something outside.  I didn't know what he wanted.

Then my dream 'skipped' and her parents had passed and for some reason my SIL skye_ds was suing the estate for ...something? land?   I was trying to text her husband, my brother sineater, to suggest that with all the time and money she was sinking into lawsuits, she could probably just buy whatever land she wanted and not tie the estate up in court so badly, but the machine I was texting with (it was a tablet of some kind, not a phone?) was just picking up text from a newspaper story and throwing in autocorrected nonsense so that only about every third or fourth word was actually typed by me and the rest was just nonsense. I was trying to fix it but it just kept getting worse and worse. I decided to try and text him with my phone instead of the tablet, because I assumed the tablet had gotten a virus or something. 

And then my mom was telling me that a particular piece of land owned by the family/estate  [south of Dallas, north of Austin, as far as I know no one I know owns land in that area, wtf] was a 'mesquite field' and it was 'sacred medicine' and we could not allow it to be destroyed and developed because of the 'mesquite medicine' of the land.

Anyhoo....stressful.  My stepdad and mom, here in RL, had all of their stuff put together by a good law firm specializing in elder law and estate planning, so I'm pretty sure that when my mom passes, everything will go smoothly.  Also here in RL, apparently even though my stepdad did have everything spelled out clearly, it took from end of Sept when he died to end of Jan for my sister to get all of his death stuff sorted and get the accounts set up so that she could continue to pay for mom's care facility, etc.    So even when people are careful about it, there's still bureaucratic hoops.

my bio dad did not have anything spelled out. He died in 2012 and his house is still in limbo as far as i know. it stresses me out when I think about it, so I try not to. And I feel like if I call my aunt, his sister, about it, it will be interpreted as me being money grubbing. I don't want anything out of it, I just want it squared away so that at some point it doesn't come back to bite me in the ass with unpaid property taxes or whatever else.  Anyway....I don't call her often and I just feel awkward about it.

and of course I don't have any of my stuff squared away,either.


I dreamed about Flavio one night this week, and then about my friends Bart and Pam another night. More dead folks. Pleasant and fun dreams, nothing terrible.  I feel like they are letting me know I'll be seeing them again sooner  than I expect so I need to get stuff taken care of. ;/   I'd like to outlive Trump. so hopefully that will happen. As far as I know I have no health problems other than allergies which are bad right now...my ears are congested and the lymph nodes in my throat feel swollen.    I could also just be having anxiety because my contract that I've been working for the last 2+ years is ending next month.  that's a 'death' of sorts, but I honestly can't find much fear or anxiety in my conscious mind over it. Ever since I quit my horrible crazy abusive state job in 2018 my life has been pretty good and I haven't gone for very long between jobs. Everything just seems to fall easily into place for me these days.  The national unemployment rate is low and life is pretty darn good. And if worse comes to worse, I have investments I can tap for $. Plus Thax and my brother A are both employed and contributing to the household, so we are all gonna be fine.

Anyhoo.. Dee's parents have both been gone for a long time. Her father died I think while we were still college-aged, and her mom passed when we were in our 30s. Her dad was big and stern, he scared me a bit, but as I recall he was also pretty funny at times. Her mom was a tiny little firecracker, she taught school and just had a lot of energy. I hadn't really thought much about them in ages. Dee is on her own path now; she is a new age pagan priestess and she does workshops and stuff. I am proud of her but I don't do the woo-woo and I think that's disappointed her a bit. 

I'm just babbling now. I guess I'd better get back to work.  Sometimes dreaming brain sticks with me for hours into my waking life, trying to unravel whatever messages my subconscious was trying to get across. Mesquite magic, windows, tending to the dying/dead, lawsuits/stress/SIL & whatever she represents to my dream-self. hm. 

dreams

Jan. 23rd, 2024 11:27 am
evile: (hedgehog1)
 a couple of icky dreams. One, I was on a bus with my friend Nikiyoy and 9 other people. They sent me into a BBQ place to get food for everyone. (niki offered to help or come with me and I told her no. stupid move..) I studied the menu and pondered and dithered. I knew they were waiting and I knew that no one really wanted sides but I didn't know how much meat to get....so I kept getting in line but leaving the line before I got to the front because I didn't know how much to order. Another 'ask culture vs guess culture' dream where my brain is trying to get over that hurdle and ASK when we do not KNOW. Agonizing, deeply shaming, terrible. ASK. and ACCEPT OFFERS OF HELP, stupid.

Next dream, I was riding on a train? and it derailed and was all messed up on the side of the tracks. This guy (horribly scarred, face with big stitches all over) showed up and said that we'd have to wait for a union-certified mechanic to come and fix it but there was a big park and all these pecan trees and hundreds of giant pecans all over the ground. My cousin Weez and her kids were there and we decided to pick up pecans while we waited for the train to be repaired. My sleeping brain likes puns and literal things like this--the message from this one obviously being 'you are a train wreck, you are nuts!' lol.

back here in regular life, Thax and I
 have been watching  _SexEducation_ on Netflix. Season 4 has jumped teh shark a bit and gone off into lala land, the college and most of the interactions are rom-com / after school special ish rather than anything real. Most shows that depict teenagers tend to do so from some fuzzy bubble of nostalgia and or wish-fulfilment rather than as it was.  Anyway last nights episode was about Maeve's mother's funeral and scattering her ashes. Even though it was unrealistic, recent events re; my own life, stepdad's death, etc, made it emotional for me to watch.

So far the most 'real' show about childhood/teenager life is _Freaks and Geeks_. There was one episode in particular about the nerd kid who has basically hours after school while his single mom is still at work...honestly, I don't remember it, but it had both Thax and me in tears because of how real it was. Anyway..... bleh.

train wreck. nuts. Thanks, brain o' mine.
evile: (declutter)
 last night's dream, I don't remember too much. I was sort of a wonder woman type superhero and was paired up with a superman type superhero and we would go to, like strip malls (Michaels/ Joanns type craft shop imagery here, not sure what it  had to do with anything else in the dream) and go fight crimes and bust up asteroids menacing the planet and pose for photos and do autographs and bla bla, but turns out he was just some guy in a suit and basically my job was to fight the crimes/bust the asteroids/ fly around looking awesome, while also holding him up to make it look like he was flying and doing stuff, too. And he was bitching at me because somehow something I'd done had made some paint on his suit crack and look bad and I shouldn't have flown so fast or so high or held him that certain way or some bullshit like that. (maybe we were getting paint for his suit at the craft store?)  I don't know if maybe he was invulnerable but just couldn't fly and I had to make him look better, or if he was really just some shlub. He was kind of a Homelander (The Boys) type looking character. 

I think maybe my brain is tired of me following politics; someone yesterday mentioned how Ron Desantis looks like Homelander and so maybe the guy in my dream was  Ron DeSantis

Anyhoo ick and yuck and gee brain could y ou beat me any harder over the head with overwrought symbolism about feminism and how women are treated in this goddamn country, even or especially by people who are supposed to be their teammates.

I don't think this was about Thax or my marriage, and I don't have any male teammates at work that I work with closely. I did get fucked out of my 2nd-to-last state job by some mediocre males, so maybe this was something about that? I did have a work dream a night or two ago so maybe my brain is still chewing thru that in some way

I dunno. I woke up with a big headache and exhausted.  I might also be having anxiety because there was a meeting at work a few weeks ago saying that some projects were ending and they'd be reducing head count by end of month, but try to let us know at least two weeks in advance of the new end of contract date.

there's a lot of jobs out there. I don't like filling out applications (especially the capps state app, it's a shitty website) and I don't like interviewing. I can do pretty much anything admin/data entry/ attention to detail-ish, but I don't like applying and interviewing. 

dreams

Jan. 17th, 2024 12:50 pm
evile: (clutter)
 last night's dream, I was in a fancy hotel with my mom. It had a beauty salon and a photography studio and shops and restaurants. It was almost like a vegas casino hotel but I don't think it had a casino. There was a little guy showing us around, a concierge or something? and mom was really engaging with him and he let us look backstage at one of the restaurants that had a stage show and I vaguely remembered mom taking us there when we were kids, like the super cheap nosebleed section because we were poor but also because mom had wanted us to get culture, anyway, and as the tour was winding down I realized that mom thought this guy was showing us around and being chatty and listening to all her stories because he was friendly and I understood that he was doing this as a service and would expect to be tipped at the end and i started having anxiety because all I had on me was a one dollar bill and two hundred dollar bills. and I didn't want to give him a hundred dollars but I knew that the one dollar would be insulting and I was mildly panicking about what to do at the end of the tour.

When I woke up the answer was terribly obvious, ASK. Tell the gentleman that I understood this is a situation where there should be a gratuity, ask him what is customary and explain that I needed to break a larger bill and where could I have that done? 

I grew up in 'guess' culture. and then of course get in trouble whenever guessing wrong. perfectionism without being taught or educated properly on how to perform 'perfect'.

I am tremendously relieved that I am starting to understand that asking is OK. and that etiquette and custom is about being gracious when asked rather than being punitive when people don't know things and take the time and trouble to try, and ask.  And if someone responds with snobbery or condescension when being asked, that is their poor  manners, not yours.

of course, in RL, I would feel terribly out of place in such a fancy hotel. Hell, I felt out of place at the old run down  used-to-be-fancy hotel in Hot Springs.  understanding things with my smart brain  doesn't translate immediately to the sillyass fee-fee ridden parts of me, but it's a process.

As far as my mom not understanding that she was involved in a transaction and not a genuine meeting-of-people-who-like-you, well....that's a thing I knew already about my mom. My brother A also shares this character trait. I won't even say it's a flaw, they both have/had a lot of friends. and I don't. So....
  
and on the other side of that, is there something I could say or think about maybe people might just like me because I'm me and not because of what I have or what I can do for them (which, thankfully these days, is not much, so fake people are weeded out....leaving, not many)..... anyway....maybe I am seeing too many interactions as transactions rather than 'people just being there because they like me' and I can't really imagine that being true. So that's an uncomfortable train of thought. 




dreams

Jan. 16th, 2024 10:09 am
evile: (Default)
 Strange night in dreamland. Back at the old state job, I was in the elevator and suddenly instead of being inside the elevator car, I was on top of it and then it dropped out from under me. I hung on to the wall and made my way out of the elevator shaft by taking the panels off of a little maintenance cut-out, and when I crawled through the hole, I was suddenly on the lawn of the State Capitol and my clothes were all messed up and people were staring at me as I wandered across the lawn trying to get myself together.

[I had actually had strange elevator dreams the previous night as well, in that one I was in a wierd house/spa/gym/place in steampunk gear with Thax and our friends Monica and Flavio. The elevator in that dream took us through all kinds of strange places, including downtown austin to the headquarters of some secret society like the masons or something like that, who were the owners of the house through a bunch of wierd corporations and shell companies, it was like a cult. Anyway, elevator dreams two nights in a row. what's that about?]

Then I was meeting with an academic advisor about whether to go to some place in Europe to do journalism, or some place in the Caribbean to tag and rescue sea life & plant mangroves and stuff.
evile: (freedom)
 I had crazy dreams. the aliens came back for me, finally! The sense of joy I felt seeing this group of people appearing in front of me, it was just.....amazing. The leader's name was 'purple' and he called me 'pink'.

But, before I could leave with my people, I had to finish the job I was doing, we had to finish putting insulation in the attic of a big old house that I'd been working on...which involved a mixture of that white fluff insulation and various multicolored rubber ducks.

My brain! LOL. But that emotion of joy, wow. wow. Just peace and happiness and recognition of people I loved, who loved me....it was amazing. People I loved, coming to take me Home.

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