does this poly thing ever get any fucking easier?! goddamn it.

[evile]

So, I hadn't used my google calendar in ages. I used to do all my calendar maintenance from work and now I don't go online from work anymore. Went online a little while ago and found that Thax is invited to a Xmas party tomorrow at the GF's house. (and he's spent the day with her, and probably the night, since he has no work tomorrow)

Now, I get that I'm not invited/welcome because I'm not really her friend, and that's cool. I don't feel that she should have felt obligated to invite me. But I DO feel that Thax might should have mentioned 'oh, by the way, I'm going to a party tomorrow over at my gf's house' [course, that's why we keep google calendars, so we can catch the things that fall thru the cracks of conversation and be on the same page. So, yeah, I'm getting all bent out of shape for nothing. I know it with my smart brain but I can't seem to stop myself from feeling this way. It's very fucking annoying.]

And of course none of this is really even a problem or an issue because I have TWO party invites tomorrrow night that I plan to pop by at least briefly, even though I basically just know the hosts and none of the other guests all that well and one is a gamer/rockband party. So...I had plans. I am not trolling for an invitation here. Just...feel left out of the loop on his life.

Also, he plans to help move his dad on Sunday, when I was under the impression he was going with me to visit my brother A. Also, OK...I usually make that trek alone, and the only reason I'd originally thought he was coming with me the 19th is because I thought we were headed to visit my OK family after that.

So, agian...nothing is fucked here, but I'm feeling stepped on and ignored and mistreated and all sorts of other bullshit, when the fact is that I am terribly selfish and self centered and I monopolize MOST of Thax's spare time as it is, so I'm just getting all bent out of shape because for once he wants to do something that I'm not dragging him to.

Fuck me. I just need to quit this bullshit RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

I really hate myself right now.

Comments

[freyapax.livejournal.com]

The impression I got is that you feel bad because of a communication fail, not because he's got plans? If I'm wrong, feel free to ignore this but, if I'm correct ... I'm pretty sensitive to this sort of thing as well. Robert and I have had more than one "discussion" that went "but we weren't doing anything anyway so why does it matter?" "It matters because I don't like feeling confused about your plans! Do what you want, just please let me know soon as you do. Simple!"

It took a while but these days we both do pretty well letting each other know about plans that we're making, and it really DOES make all the difference. Its such a small thing, but it has a huge impact. Asking to be told seems totally fair.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

I figure the more likely outcome is that I'm going to pout and fuss and manipulate and bully him into staying at home with me 24/7/365 and never having a life outside of me me me .

which disgusts me on some level, but that is just the kind of person I tend to be. 'communication' always turns into 'me getting my way' and 'me not listening' and it's fucking disgusting.

None of this is the GFs fault btw. This is just me confronting my own despicable awfulness and being disgusted anew at all the filth hiding under these rocks that don't usually get disturbed in the day-to-day of me doing what I want and getting my own way and being in charge of everything all the time.

[in-quinecorners.livejournal.com]

whatshername and I used to argue about whether putting something on the Google Calendar constituted acceptable and effective communication. I would recommend discussing that point with Thax, and deciding between yourselves once and for all what the answer to that question is. Either answer is reasonable, but you have to be clear about what the answer IS and behave accordingly.

I don't think you're out of line to be upset about feeling out of the loop. Poly requires LOTS of communication.

Do something nice for yourself tonight. Give yourself a present. Take yourself out someplace swanky. You're worth it.

[made-of-paradox.livejournal.com]

This.

Re: Google calendar is a useful tool, but not really a useful communication tool

[made-of-paradox.livejournal.com]

This is where I thank you for the post, because the kids' dental appointments in February (not January!) were in my phone but not on Google calendar.

So, thanks for saving me from MAJOR FAIL in a couple of months.

Re: Google calendar is a useful tool, but not really a useful communication tool

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

you're welcome

[maevemacaraab.livejournal.com]

no, I don't think it ever will.

[maevemacaraab.livejournal.com]

but the bright side is that we have choosen an uneasy path, one which will always challenge the way were were socially conditioned.

In the end, we see through a lot of the illusions of relationships.

I hope you are able to find the love and support you need.