3738a good post
Nov. 4th, 2005 01:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
4 Nov. 6:23 am
sarah9380 (sarah9380) wrote in polyamory,
@ 2005-11-03 21:42:00
Request for resources and advice
I've tried searching this journal and such, but didn't find anything.
Does anyone have any good links to websites or previous posts (or
just newly typed up advice) for someone in the following situation...
What to do when your significant other is dating someone else who
seems abusive and drama-ridden...You obviously suffer from the
infusion of drama into your life, but you also suffer concern for
your partner when she is very upset from interactions with the other
person. The situation I'm talking about involves people who are not
living together and nothing overtly physically violent (no immediate
fear of life-threatening abuse or anything like that).
But when trying to show concern, the partner gets all defensive and
starts making accusations of jealousy. The same happens if any
attempt is made to insulate your life from the drama that is spilling
over. Oh, and the partner keeps insisting that all three parties
should get together to hang out.
I think the partner may just be reacting irrationally in general due
to the effects the drama-ridden relationship has had on her.
Apparently they also have a long history of on-again/off-again drama-
ridden craziness.
Thank you in advance.
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(Post a new comment)
bellabrigida
2005-11-04 03:01 am UTC (link)
I wouldn't know what to tell you. I've had problems with a similar
situation, however the partner had been sexually abusive with the
other in the past. It's drama that I don't need and I've been working
to have it addressed. It is difficult to do when the people involved
all care about one another, though, because such things are prone to
denial.
Everyone wants it to be cushy and it's easy to be defensive.
So far, all I've learned is to buffer oneself, try to not let it get
to you and then wait for the inevitable fallout.
(Reply to this)
curtisfreak007
2005-11-04 04:49 am UTC (link)
Well, obviously (in my eyes) she needs to get out of that
relationship.
Second of all, it's really uncool to pull the jealousy card when
someone shows concern. Which says to me that she needs to chill out
and remember that she's in a polyamorous relationship. And maybe
rethink her definition of poly and make sure it's a healthy one.
I've been in situations where I've thought my primary partner (for
lack of a better term) was not in a good relationship. What I did was
the standard, "Look, I think we should talk...I'd appreciate it if
you could hear me through before you say anything..." and then
explained to her the perfectly logical reasons why I didn't think she
should be in the relationship. Be prepared to support your reasons
with examples and whatnot. You've probably tried that, but just
thought I'd throw it out there.
Also, like bellabrigida said, you can try not to let it get to you
and wait fr the fallout. That worked for me when I started my first
poly relationship (eek...the jealousy issues I had) and wasn't quite
as open about things as I am now. After a little while, my partner
realized that she wasn't in a very good relationship (because the guy
would guilt trip her every time he hung out with her because she
didn't spend very much time with him, which is a form of mental abuse
in itself) and it just fell apart.
Sorry if I came off kind of pretentious or anything, it wasn't my
intention. I was just trying to respond to the information I had.
Good luck with this, I really hope it works out for you.
(Reply to this)
reluctantvixen
2005-11-04 04:51 am UTC (link)
When they don't want to see the abuse in the relationship, they
won't. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with my husband
for years, but I refused to believe he was hurting me so much
mentally until it became so bad in the end that he left. It was only
then that my eyes opened and I saw what he'd been doing to me for
years, and that my wife had been trying to tell me all along.
Keep supporting the abused partner as much as you can, while
buffering yourself from the other's drama. :( Good luck.
(Reply to this)
persipone
2005-11-04 05:10 am UTC (link)
You know, I'll toss in a dissenting voice here. In my observation and
experience, every dysfunctional relationship has at least two
dysfunctional people in it- but it only takes one person to mess up a
relationship. Get it? So if your SO is in an abusive relationship,
then they has problems in their own life, by definition. And if
you're involved with the SO, you also have problems, by definition.
So you need to be thinking about keeping yourself intact and healthy.
I think you should be fairly firm in speaking to your SO about this.
And I think that, if the abuse and drama are serious enough, you need
to be willing to distance yourself from your SO if they won't work on
or end their other relationship. Let the SO know that they can always
call you if they need an out, but that you can't be dragged into this
drama anymore.
You can't fix your SO and you can't save them. What you can do is
take care of yourself, and you have to be willing to do that before
you can take care of anyone else.
(Reply to this)(Thread)
trixtah
2005-11-04 09:59 am UTC (link)
Yeah, exactly, it's "put your foot down" time. And if your SO won't
listen, let them have their drama-filled life with their charming OSO.
At least insist that while your SO might continue to associate with
this person, you don't want to hear anything about them and their
angst. Needless to say, you won't spend anytime with the OSO. And say
that if anything, behaviour or emotion-wise, starts to spill out into
YOUR relationship, you'll have to consider further steps to protect
yourself from the impact that it might have on YOUR emotional
wellbeing.
(Reply to this)(Parent)
jb_27
2005-11-04 05:30 am UTC (link)
Here is a thought. It might apply to you. It might not.
Sometimes, your partner goes bat-shit fucking crazy. This is more
likely to happen when they are limerant with a new lover, but it can
happen at any time. At times like these, it becomes necessary to take
space and protect yourself. Stay connected. Stay loving. Stay the
fuck away from them until they come back to reality.
Hard? Yes. Better than getting sucked into their drama? Absolutely.
Your mileage may vary.
(Reply to this)
mathilde
2005-11-04 01:39 pm UTC (link)
Ultimately, if someone's not ready to listen there's nothing you can
do. You can't force someone to see what you see. All you can do is
make clear your own boundaries. (I'm using "you" in the general sense
here, not in the specific.) You can decide you're not going to hang
out with the drama llama, and enforce that decision. You can decide
how much other people's drama affects your life. And ultimately, you
decide what is and is not worth your time. How long you're willing to
deal with it is up to you.