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[personal profile] evile

    4 Nov. 6:23 am

     

     

    sarah9380 (sarah9380) wrote in polyamory,
    @ 2005-11-03 21:42:00





    Request for resources and advice
    I've tried searching this journal and such, but didn't find anything.
    Does anyone have any good links to websites or previous posts (or
    just newly typed up advice) for someone in the following situation...

    What to do when your significant other is dating someone else who
    seems abusive and drama-ridden...You obviously suffer from the
    infusion of drama into your life, but you also suffer concern for
    your partner when she is very upset from interactions with the other
    person. The situation I'm talking about involves people who are not
    living together and nothing overtly physically violent (no immediate
    fear of life-threatening abuse or anything like that).

    But when trying to show concern, the partner gets all defensive and
    starts making accusations of jealousy. The same happens if any
    attempt is made to insulate your life from the drama that is spilling
    over. Oh, and the partner keeps insisting that all three parties
    should get together to hang out.

    I think the partner may just be reacting irrationally in general due
    to the effects the drama-ridden relationship has had on her.
    Apparently they also have a long history of on-again/off-again drama-
    ridden craziness.

    Thank you in advance.


    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    ----------

    (Post a new comment)


    bellabrigida
    2005-11-04 03:01 am UTC (link)
    I wouldn't know what to tell you. I've had problems with a similar
    situation, however the partner had been sexually abusive with the
    other in the past. It's drama that I don't need and I've been working
    to have it addressed. It is difficult to do when the people involved
    all care about one another, though, because such things are prone to
    denial.

    Everyone wants it to be cushy and it's easy to be defensive.

    So far, all I've learned is to buffer oneself, try to not let it get
    to you and then wait for the inevitable fallout.
    (Reply to this)


    curtisfreak007
    2005-11-04 04:49 am UTC (link)
    Well, obviously (in my eyes) she needs to get out of that
    relationship.

    Second of all, it's really uncool to pull the jealousy card when
    someone shows concern. Which says to me that she needs to chill out
    and remember that she's in a polyamorous relationship. And maybe
    rethink her definition of poly and make sure it's a healthy one.

    I've been in situations where I've thought my primary partner (for
    lack of a better term) was not in a good relationship. What I did was
    the standard, "Look, I think we should talk...I'd appreciate it if
    you could hear me through before you say anything..." and then
    explained to her the perfectly logical reasons why I didn't think she
    should be in the relationship. Be prepared to support your reasons
    with examples and whatnot. You've probably tried that, but just
    thought I'd throw it out there.

    Also, like bellabrigida said, you can try not to let it get to you
    and wait fr the fallout. That worked for me when I started my first
    poly relationship (eek...the jealousy issues I had) and wasn't quite
    as open about things as I am now. After a little while, my partner
    realized that she wasn't in a very good relationship (because the guy
    would guilt trip her every time he hung out with her because she
    didn't spend very much time with him, which is a form of mental abuse
    in itself) and it just fell apart.

    Sorry if I came off kind of pretentious or anything, it wasn't my
    intention. I was just trying to respond to the information I had.

    Good luck with this, I really hope it works out for you.
    (Reply to this)


    reluctantvixen
    2005-11-04 04:51 am UTC (link)
    When they don't want to see the abuse in the relationship, they
    won't. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with my husband
    for years, but I refused to believe he was hurting me so much
    mentally until it became so bad in the end that he left. It was only
    then that my eyes opened and I saw what he'd been doing to me for
    years, and that my wife had been trying to tell me all along.

    Keep supporting the abused partner as much as you can, while
    buffering yourself from the other's drama. :( Good luck.
    (Reply to this)


    persipone
    2005-11-04 05:10 am UTC (link)
    You know, I'll toss in a dissenting voice here. In my observation and
    experience, every dysfunctional relationship has at least two
    dysfunctional people in it- but it only takes one person to mess up a
    relationship. Get it? So if your SO is in an abusive relationship,
    then they has problems in their own life, by definition. And if
    you're involved with the SO, you also have problems, by definition.
    So you need to be thinking about keeping yourself intact and healthy.

    I think you should be fairly firm in speaking to your SO about this.
    And I think that, if the abuse and drama are serious enough, you need
    to be willing to distance yourself from your SO if they won't work on
    or end their other relationship. Let the SO know that they can always
    call you if they need an out, but that you can't be dragged into this
    drama anymore.

    You can't fix your SO and you can't save them. What you can do is
    take care of yourself, and you have to be willing to do that before
    you can take care of anyone else.
    (Reply to this)(Thread)


    trixtah
    2005-11-04 09:59 am UTC (link)
    Yeah, exactly, it's "put your foot down" time. And if your SO won't
    listen, let them have their drama-filled life with their charming OSO.

    At least insist that while your SO might continue to associate with
    this person, you don't want to hear anything about them and their
    angst. Needless to say, you won't spend anytime with the OSO. And say
    that if anything, behaviour or emotion-wise, starts to spill out into
    YOUR relationship, you'll have to consider further steps to protect
    yourself from the impact that it might have on YOUR emotional
    wellbeing.
    (Reply to this)(Parent)


    jb_27
    2005-11-04 05:30 am UTC (link)
    Here is a thought. It might apply to you. It might not.

    Sometimes, your partner goes bat-shit fucking crazy. This is more
    likely to happen when they are limerant with a new lover, but it can
    happen at any time. At times like these, it becomes necessary to take
    space and protect yourself. Stay connected. Stay loving. Stay the
    fuck away from them until they come back to reality.

    Hard? Yes. Better than getting sucked into their drama? Absolutely.

    Your mileage may vary.
    (Reply to this)


    mathilde
    2005-11-04 01:39 pm UTC (link)
    Ultimately, if someone's not ready to listen there's nothing you can
    do. You can't force someone to see what you see. All you can do is
    make clear your own boundaries. (I'm using "you" in the general sense
    here, not in the specific.) You can decide you're not going to hang
    out with the drama llama, and enforce that decision. You can decide
    how much other people's drama affects your life. And ultimately, you
    decide what is and is not worth your time. How long you're willing to
    deal with it is up to you.

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