Fear and Happiness
Aug. 17th, 2012 07:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
evileA somewhat famous author and somewhat well known figure among certain subcultures, hobby, and interest groups has stated that one of my social groups contains and harbors a rapist. This person has gone so far as to create a tag in her blog titled "[thisgroup] rapist"
The person she is referring to, as far as I know, does not attend nor participate in this social group on any sort of regular basis. When she made this accusation and it was brought to the attention of the group's Yahoo list, the reaction of most of the group was "who?? we don't know you and we don't know who you're talking about."
This allegation and this tag is about as factual and effective as someone stating "HEB grocery store contains and harbors a rapist," and continuing to write blog entries tagged "THE HEB RAPIST"
People are saying it’s a ‘conversation’ that needs to be had. And then their idea of ‘conversation’ seems to be the usual “Let E have it and slam the door,” which is pretty much my least favorite type of ‘conversation’ in the history of ever.
Be mad at me, call me names, tell me I’m ‘part of the problem’ and 17 other different kinds of wrong, fine. But don’t just barf this up all over me and then leave me there to drip alone. That’s not a ‘conversation.’
“Conversation” also does not mean “I say what the truth and the reality is and you better accept it, if you know what’s good for you,”
It’s a difficult conversation to have. People feel very strongly about this. IMHO, it’s NEVER a good idea to shut down or shut out people who disagree with you or have another point of view, because you can miss out on important information by shooting the messenger. I will disagree with someone, I will argue heatedly for my point of view, but I will not 'shoot the messenger,' and I will not shut someone out because I disagree with them.
Personally, I refuse to participate in fearmongering and witch-hunting. Creeps and wierdos of all genders and orientations have showed up at group gatherings (all of them. hobbies, spiritual, 'alternative lifestyle', fandom, gamers, vanilla, geek, mundane, no group is immune to creepers!) "Leaders" of this particular group (such as they are, by which I mean 'people who show up regularly and know who's who' and by that standard, I'm one of them--yikes.) have discouraged and obliquely chased away many wierdos and creeps, and continue to do a pretty good job of non-dramatically discouraging such from hanging about. (and, yes, I've been called to task for 'chasing away' from our group someone who pinged many as 'troll' but pinged many others as 'cute girl'. Geek Social Fallacies at work.)
There are certainly boundary challenged individuals, socially retarded folk, and people (some of whom are my friends) who ping certain other folks' 'creepy meeter'...but that's true of any group, and I'm just not going to stop attending, or stop being friends with people because someone else doesn't like them.
All of that has caused me to clarify my thoughts and feelings re what is "safe".
What does "safe" mean to me? Safe means I take care of myself. Safe means I'm allowed to speak my mind. Safe means I'm allowed to have my own thoughts and feelings respected, whether someone agrees with me or not. Safe means other people don't tell me what to do or how to feel. (Yes, I was raped in my previous relationship, by my ex. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TELL ME HOW TO FEEL OR WHAT TO THINK OR WHAT TO DO ABOUT THAT. YOU ARE NOT!!! I AM NOT GOING TO WEAR THE VICTIM CROWN AND LET THAT EXPERIENCE RUIN THE REST OF MY LIFE AND THE REST OF MY RELATIONSHIPS! HE DOES NOT GET TO WIN!)
Safe means I don't march in lockstep with any group. Safe means this is MY mind, this is MY body, and I take care of them in the best way I can. (I was once in a class where the facilitator told me that I could not express a boundary to a classmate, that the facilitator would decide and enforce the boundaries while we were in the class. I did not return to the class and I took a financial loss. NO ONE is allowed to set or enforce my boundaries but ME. The fact that someone else was trying to take that away from me made me feel NOT SAFE.)
"The Conversation We All Need To Have" also caused me to apply reason to my fears; I don't feel 'safe' when so-and-so is around.
Well...really, what exactly is so-and-so going to do, in public, in a room full of witnesses, most likely in the presence of video cameras and/or easily summoned security folk, venue management, or other impartial/safe persons? Name calling, snarking, rude and ungracious behavior are all relatively harmless and just make the person doing them look bad. I cannot seriously imagine anyone perpetrating a physical attack under these circumstances, unless they really ARE nuts, and in that case, they could just as easily come to my house or my workplace, so I'm not ever going to be 'safe' from them if they truly wished to harm me.
I’m starting to think that “feeling safe” is a lot like “feeling happy” in some fundamental ways. How you feel is not necessarily about what is or is not happening to you right now. It’s a lot to do with things that have happened to you in the past and how you were or were not able to process those things and how those events made you feel about yourself and your abilities.
Bad things happen to everyone. But some people are generally ‘happy’ and other folks are generally ‘unhappy’. Is it because the happy people have never had a bad thing happen? Has a happy person never experienced loss or betrayal or victimization? I find that rather unlikely. The happy person chooses to focus on positive aspects of their life, focus on what they can change or modify or do different or better next time, and they can go on being happy. Even losing a loved one can’t keep a happy person unhappy forever; they go through their grief and at the end they are left with a peace and gratitude for the memories and the love they shared with the person they have lost. Loss of a job brings fear and anger and grief, but these feelings pass and the happy person focuses on finding the next position.
People who feel ‘safe’ are more than likely much the same. They are not living in some magickal land where no one has ever beat them, yelled at them, spit on them, called them a name, threatened them with violence, talked crap about them behind their back, tried to get them ostracized from a group of friends or fired from a job.
I think most of us have experienced physical or verbal violence, from people we knew and trusted or from random passing strangers or homeless crazy people or whatever. Some people choose to keep those experiences close and react to the world as if another attack was coming. Walk out the door every day expecting to be raped. Not attend gatherings of friends in public venues or private homes because a ‘known predator’ is also going to attend.
And some people…just....don’t. Is being afraid a choice? Is feeling safe a choice? In a lot of ways I think it really is.
So...'safe' is an illusion, or its a reality we create. It's really how you feel more than a concrete, provable fact of existence. Bad things are going to happen. Bad people are out there. We are all going to be hurt and bleed at some point in life. We are all going to die. Fear and worry aren't going to keep those things from happening to us, but they may keep us from enjoying the many beautiful and wonderful things that happen in between times of fear and pain and death. I think I'm going to choose Happy. And I'm going to choose Safe, too.
**I realize I am speaking from a place of privilege. I live in a country and come from a socioeconomic and geographic area where "safe" is pretty much our normal way of life. But there are plenty of people, even relatives, who believe that where I have chosen to live is somehow 'gang land' or 'the ghetto' ... that's their belief system and I do not choose to let their fear keep me from enjoying my home and walking my dog and greeting my neighbors, and so far my belief that "I am safe" has prevailed. How 'bout that?
The person she is referring to, as far as I know, does not attend nor participate in this social group on any sort of regular basis. When she made this accusation and it was brought to the attention of the group's Yahoo list, the reaction of most of the group was "who?? we don't know you and we don't know who you're talking about."
This allegation and this tag is about as factual and effective as someone stating "HEB grocery store contains and harbors a rapist," and continuing to write blog entries tagged "THE HEB RAPIST"
People are saying it’s a ‘conversation’ that needs to be had. And then their idea of ‘conversation’ seems to be the usual “Let E have it and slam the door,” which is pretty much my least favorite type of ‘conversation’ in the history of ever.
Be mad at me, call me names, tell me I’m ‘part of the problem’ and 17 other different kinds of wrong, fine. But don’t just barf this up all over me and then leave me there to drip alone. That’s not a ‘conversation.’
“Conversation” also does not mean “I say what the truth and the reality is and you better accept it, if you know what’s good for you,”
It’s a difficult conversation to have. People feel very strongly about this. IMHO, it’s NEVER a good idea to shut down or shut out people who disagree with you or have another point of view, because you can miss out on important information by shooting the messenger. I will disagree with someone, I will argue heatedly for my point of view, but I will not 'shoot the messenger,' and I will not shut someone out because I disagree with them.
Personally, I refuse to participate in fearmongering and witch-hunting. Creeps and wierdos of all genders and orientations have showed up at group gatherings (all of them. hobbies, spiritual, 'alternative lifestyle', fandom, gamers, vanilla, geek, mundane, no group is immune to creepers!) "Leaders" of this particular group (such as they are, by which I mean 'people who show up regularly and know who's who' and by that standard, I'm one of them--yikes.) have discouraged and obliquely chased away many wierdos and creeps, and continue to do a pretty good job of non-dramatically discouraging such from hanging about. (and, yes, I've been called to task for 'chasing away' from our group someone who pinged many as 'troll' but pinged many others as 'cute girl'. Geek Social Fallacies at work.)
There are certainly boundary challenged individuals, socially retarded folk, and people (some of whom are my friends) who ping certain other folks' 'creepy meeter'...but that's true of any group, and I'm just not going to stop attending, or stop being friends with people because someone else doesn't like them.
All of that has caused me to clarify my thoughts and feelings re what is "safe".
What does "safe" mean to me? Safe means I take care of myself. Safe means I'm allowed to speak my mind. Safe means I'm allowed to have my own thoughts and feelings respected, whether someone agrees with me or not. Safe means other people don't tell me what to do or how to feel. (Yes, I was raped in my previous relationship, by my ex. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TELL ME HOW TO FEEL OR WHAT TO THINK OR WHAT TO DO ABOUT THAT. YOU ARE NOT!!! I AM NOT GOING TO WEAR THE VICTIM CROWN AND LET THAT EXPERIENCE RUIN THE REST OF MY LIFE AND THE REST OF MY RELATIONSHIPS! HE DOES NOT GET TO WIN!)
Safe means I don't march in lockstep with any group. Safe means this is MY mind, this is MY body, and I take care of them in the best way I can. (I was once in a class where the facilitator told me that I could not express a boundary to a classmate, that the facilitator would decide and enforce the boundaries while we were in the class. I did not return to the class and I took a financial loss. NO ONE is allowed to set or enforce my boundaries but ME. The fact that someone else was trying to take that away from me made me feel NOT SAFE.)
"The Conversation We All Need To Have" also caused me to apply reason to my fears; I don't feel 'safe' when so-and-so is around.
Well...really, what exactly is so-and-so going to do, in public, in a room full of witnesses, most likely in the presence of video cameras and/or easily summoned security folk, venue management, or other impartial/safe persons? Name calling, snarking, rude and ungracious behavior are all relatively harmless and just make the person doing them look bad. I cannot seriously imagine anyone perpetrating a physical attack under these circumstances, unless they really ARE nuts, and in that case, they could just as easily come to my house or my workplace, so I'm not ever going to be 'safe' from them if they truly wished to harm me.
I’m starting to think that “feeling safe” is a lot like “feeling happy” in some fundamental ways. How you feel is not necessarily about what is or is not happening to you right now. It’s a lot to do with things that have happened to you in the past and how you were or were not able to process those things and how those events made you feel about yourself and your abilities.
Bad things happen to everyone. But some people are generally ‘happy’ and other folks are generally ‘unhappy’. Is it because the happy people have never had a bad thing happen? Has a happy person never experienced loss or betrayal or victimization? I find that rather unlikely. The happy person chooses to focus on positive aspects of their life, focus on what they can change or modify or do different or better next time, and they can go on being happy. Even losing a loved one can’t keep a happy person unhappy forever; they go through their grief and at the end they are left with a peace and gratitude for the memories and the love they shared with the person they have lost. Loss of a job brings fear and anger and grief, but these feelings pass and the happy person focuses on finding the next position.
People who feel ‘safe’ are more than likely much the same. They are not living in some magickal land where no one has ever beat them, yelled at them, spit on them, called them a name, threatened them with violence, talked crap about them behind their back, tried to get them ostracized from a group of friends or fired from a job.
I think most of us have experienced physical or verbal violence, from people we knew and trusted or from random passing strangers or homeless crazy people or whatever. Some people choose to keep those experiences close and react to the world as if another attack was coming. Walk out the door every day expecting to be raped. Not attend gatherings of friends in public venues or private homes because a ‘known predator’ is also going to attend.
And some people…just....don’t. Is being afraid a choice? Is feeling safe a choice? In a lot of ways I think it really is.
So...'safe' is an illusion, or its a reality we create. It's really how you feel more than a concrete, provable fact of existence. Bad things are going to happen. Bad people are out there. We are all going to be hurt and bleed at some point in life. We are all going to die. Fear and worry aren't going to keep those things from happening to us, but they may keep us from enjoying the many beautiful and wonderful things that happen in between times of fear and pain and death. I think I'm going to choose Happy. And I'm going to choose Safe, too.
**I realize I am speaking from a place of privilege. I live in a country and come from a socioeconomic and geographic area where "safe" is pretty much our normal way of life. But there are plenty of people, even relatives, who believe that where I have chosen to live is somehow 'gang land' or 'the ghetto' ... that's their belief system and I do not choose to let their fear keep me from enjoying my home and walking my dog and greeting my neighbors, and so far my belief that "I am safe" has prevailed. How 'bout that?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2012-08-18 01:10 am (UTC)At one point in my life, I realized I could become bitter. Being bitter is no fun. There are days when I have to decide not to be bitter, but I make that decision and limit any wallowing I allow myself to a short period of time.
As for safe - I've been in situations that were not safe, come out fine, and in the earlier cases, wondered what the bleep my parents were thinking. (My mom was overreacting to having had ridiculously overprotective parents, was a lot of it. And she was lucky a few times when that reaction put her in danger.) I may not be safe, but I have an idea as to what is safe, what is not safe, and what I can do to mitigate unsafe circumstances. So, I probably "look" safe to you. :) (And you look "safe" to me.)
no subject
Date: 2012-08-18 10:55 pm (UTC)I think 'safe' is such a subjective term...I have never seen or heard about you doing anything unsafe or being threatening to anyone. So that makes you 'safe' to me, but for all I know you could be terribly self destructive in some way that no one knows about...
Life is not safe. Whether through choice or bad luck, we all have unsafe things happen to or near us. We can decide to become victimized by that and embittered and frightened, or we can say "fuck yeah, I lived through that, I am AWESOME," and go on. I think I start out in the 'wallowing in grief and paranoia' phase but eventually I do move on to the 'fuck yeah, I lived,' stage. I think that's healthy..