evile: (mask)

There are only a few kinds of flying monkeys in the world.

There are willing accomplices—people who are as malicious and nasty and ill-tempered as the narcissist but who are too cowardly or too stupid to make their own agenda of terrorism, so they just play toady for the more powerful evil. They will happily rat you out, make up lies about you, or do anything the narc tells them to do to make you miserable. These people are not your friends, and they don’t have anything to offer other than a knife in the back. They are spies for the narcissist. Cut them out.

There are gossip-addicts. They like drama and gossip and they know that the narcissist is a source of never-ending chaos, conflict and entertainment. They may not actually like the narcissist (or you!) but they are happy to put in a little word here and there to help the BS flow. They may actually like you, but they value the soap-opera more than they value you as a friend. They do not value your peace of mind and happiness. They don’t really want to change or fix the situation and they won’t be interested in focusing on other, happier things you have in common. They will constantly guide the conversation back to the drama between you and the narc. They are also spies. You will have to cut them out of your life because they aren’t interested in deep meaningful friendships, they only like pointless drama.

There are codependent people-pleasers who want to be friends with everyone. They may not like the narcissist’s abusive, gossipy, malicious behavior but they don’t have the courage to speak up and say so. They don’t have the courage to drop a friendship with a person they see being destructive, abusive, and harmful. They think that if they stay quiet, pleasant, and placate the narc, they can preserve their wider circle of friends and keep their social circles intact. They don’t want to make waves or kick anyone out, they just want everyone to get along, and so they will turn a blind eye to the narcissist’s toxic behavior, and/or make excuses for the narcissist’s behavior to try and smooth everything over and make sure ‘everyone stays friends’…when or if you confront this flying monkey, they will more than likely see you as the bad guy for making trouble and trying to break up the group. Best to minimize contact with these well-meaning tools of the narc. You aren’t going to get them to see your point of view and you aren’t going to get them to leave a group that is corrupted or dominated by a narcissistic abuser. They would rather run with the herd even if that herd is running off a cliff.

Bottom line:

If you know someone is only spending time around you for bad-faith, sneaky, spying, underhanded, and/or destructive reasons, you are perfectly within your rights to not engage with them. If you have mutual friends with a narcissistic abuser, minimize time spent with those mutual friends. Don’t tell them anything personal about your life, bad or good. If you are at a gathering of people or a public place and they approach you, say something neutral and pleasant and then make your excuses to go elsewhere. “Nice to see you, please excuse me, I need to go say hello to someone I haven’t seen in a while,” Being rude, unpleasant, or even direct and honest with your reasons for not wishing to speak with them, will not accomplish anything other than giving the narc more ammunition to use against you. Once you’ve identified a person as a flying monkey—whether they are an active malicious actor or merely a passive pollyanna stooge, you need to get them out of your life.

The only way to win is not to play.


 ======================
 
evile: (Default)
A somewhat famous author and somewhat well known figure among certain subcultures, hobby, and interest groups has stated that one of my social groups contains and harbors a rapist. This person has gone so far as to create a tag in her blog titled "[thisgroup] rapist"Read more... )


All of that has caused me to clarify my thoughts and feelings re what is "safe".Read more... )

"The Conversation We All Need To Have" also caused me to apply reason to my fears; I don't feel 'safe' when so-and-so is around.Read more... )

So...'safe' is an illusion, or its a reality we create. It's really how you feel more than a concrete, provable fact of existence. Bad things are going to happen. Bad people are out there. We are all going to be hurt and bleed at some point in life. We are all going to die. Fear and worry aren't going to keep those things from happening to us, but they may keep us from enjoying the many beautiful and wonderful things that happen in between times of fear and pain and death. I think I'm going to choose Happy. And I'm going to choose Safe, too.

**I realize I am speaking from a place of privilege. I live in a country and come from a socioeconomic and geographic area where "safe" is pretty much our normal way of life. But there are plenty of people, even relatives, who believe that where I have chosen to live is somehow 'gang land' or 'the ghetto' ... that's their belief system and I do not choose to let their fear keep me from enjoying my home and walking my dog and greeting my neighbors, and so far my belief that "I am safe" has prevailed. How 'bout that?
evile: (TX)
http://captainawkward.com/2012/08/07/322-323-my-friend-group-has-a-case-of-the-creepy-dude-how-do-we-clear-that-up/

This blog entry has a LOT of good points. a LOT.

I am not trying to dismiss those points by trying to create a distinction between "how we deal with predators as a formal entity with elected leadership and bylaws" and "how we deal with predators when they are friends of friends in informal group settings,"

So let me try again to compare these apples and oranges:

1) You’re at a convention. You’re at work. You’re at an SCA or Amtgard or Civil War Re-Enactors' event. You’re camping at the renaissance festival. You’re attending a church ‘shut in’. You’re at the comic book store. Someone harasses you. Someone touches you without your permission. Someone says vulgar or threatening things to or about you. Someone assaults you. There are people who are there to help. There is a boss, a store owner board of directors, chairperson, ‘autocrat’, king/queen, event security. There are policies and procedures for everyone involved to follow and utilize to address the incident.

2) You have a group of friends. A friend of a friend harasses you. A friend of a friend touches you without your permission. A friend of a friend makes verbal threats against your person, life, or livelihood. A friend of a friend assaults you. At that point, you have police and you have your word against theirs, and you have a choice about how far you want or need to go in order to make yourself feel safe.

As a friend of many strange and diverse people, I am NEVER going to take the word of another person about who I should or should not be friends with. I am NEVER going to listen to one stranger tell me another stranger is toxic and evil and follow that person's directive to "WARN ALL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT ______!!!" Because, seriously, I don't want to live in a world where one person can say "Bramblekite is toxic and evil, avoid her," and have everyone that they say that to BELIEVE them and ACT on it without thinking or questioning or finding out for themselves. And I am NEVER going to entrust my health, well being, or safety to anyone but ME, either. I'm glad of laws and law enforcement. I'm glad for formal groups with formal leadership. But the buck stops right here, with me. And I'm glad of it.

Personal aside, tangent. Read more... )
evile: (dragon)
Today's thought from Hazelden is:

The Fox without a Tail

One day a fox became caught in a trp. In his struggle to free himself, he left his tail behind. On his way home, he devised a way to head off being made the butt of jokes. He trotted back into the forest and called together all the foxes.

"Foxes are much more attractive when they do not have a tail," he said as he wiggled his stump. "Observe how sleek my appearance is. No longer will I have to pull burrs out of my tail. I am free – and you can all be free, too! It is time for all foxes to cut off their tails."

"Nonsense!" an elder fox yelled out. "If you had not lost your own tail, my friend, you would not be urging us to lose ours as well. You must deal with your loss on your own."

The Moral of the story: Do not trust all of the advice given by others.

Many in the program offer helpful support based on their experience. There are also those who give advice. Sometimes this advice is well-meaning and useful; other times it may seem suspect. Listen to the support, guidance, and advice you are given. But never let such information have a negative impact on your recovery.

I will listen to the advice I am given, but will make decisions that are right for me.

You are reading from the book:

Morning Light by Amy E. Dean

Morning Light © 2011 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the permission of Hazelden.

evile: (Default)
Geek Social Fallacy #3: Friendship Before All

Valuing friendships is a fine and worthy thing. When taken to an unhealthy extreme, however, GSF3 can manifest itself.Read more... )


==========

My thoughts: I think out of all the GSFs, this is one which I personally am most vulnerable to.Read more... )

I would say if there is one particular person, relationship, friendship, or group membership that seems to be harming many other persons, relationships, friendhsips, or group memberships, you may be falling very hard into GSF#3 and that relationship bears closer examination. It's important to be a good friend, but not at the cost of your own health, finances, wellbeing, and certainly not at the cost of your relationships with other friends, family, work, or social groups.
evile: (clutter)

    Jun. 21, 2005

     

     

    http://www.plausiblydeniable.com/opinion/gsf.html

    Opinion
    Five Geek Social Fallacies (Dec. 2, 2003) Five Geek Social Fallacies

    Within the constellation of allied hobbies and subcultures
    collectively known as geekdom, one finds many social groups bent
    under a crushing burden of dysfunction, social drama, and general
    interpersonal wack-ness. It is my opinion that many of these never-
    ending crises are sparked off by an assortment of pernicious social
    fallacies -- ideas about human interaction which spur their holders
    to do terrible and stupid things to themselves and to each other.

    Social fallacies are particularly insidious because they tend to be
    exaggerated versions of notions that are themselves entirely
    reasonable and unobjectionable. It's difficult to debunk the
    pathological fallacy without seeming to argue against its reasonable
    form; therefore, once it establishes itself, a social fallacy is
    extremely difficult to dislodge. It's my hope that drawing attention
    to some of them may be a step in the right direction.

    I want to note that I'm not trying to say that every geek subscribes
    to every one of the fallacies I outline here; every individual
    subscribes to a different set of ideas, and adheres to any given idea
    with a different amount of zeal.

    In any event, here are five geek social fallacies I've identified.
    There are likely more.

    Geek Social Fallacy #1: Ostracizers Are Evil
    GSF1 is one of the most common fallacies, and one of the most deeply
    held. Many geeks have had horrible, humiliating, and formative
    experiences with ostracism, and the notion of being on the other side
    of the transaction is repugnant to them.

    In its non-pathological form, GSF1 is benign, and even commendable:
    it is long past time we all grew up and stopped with the junior high
    popularity games. However, in its pathological form, GSF1 prevents
    its carrier from participating in -- or tolerating -- the exclusion
    of anyone from anything, be it a party, a comic book store, or a web
    forum, and no matter how obnoxious, offensive, or aromatic the
    prospective excludee may be.

    As a result, nearly every geek social group of significant size has
    at least one member that 80% of the members hate, and the remaining
    20% merely tolerate. If GSF1 exists in sufficient concentration --
    and it usually does -- it is impossible to expel a person who
    actively detracts from every social event. GSF1 protocol permits you
    not to invite someone you don't like to a given event, but if someone
    spills the beans and our hypothetical Cat Piss Man invites himself,
    there is no recourse. You must put up with him, or you will be an
    Evil Ostracizer and might as well go out for the football team.

    This phenomenon has a number of unpleasant consequences. For one
    thing, it actively hinders the wider acceptance of geek-related
    activities: I don't know that RPGs and comics would be more popular
    if there were fewer trolls who smell of cheese hassling the new
    blood, but I'm sure it couldn't hurt. For another, when nothing
    smacking of social selectiveness can be discussed in public, people
    inevitably begin to organize activities in secret. These conspiracies
    often lead to more problems down the line, and the end result is as
    juvenile as anything a seventh-grader ever dreamed of.

    Geek Social Fallacy #2: Friends Accept Me As I Am
    The origins of GSF2 are closely allied to the origins of GSF1. After
    being victimized by social exclusion, many geeks experience
    their "tribe" as a non-judgmental haven where they can take refuge
    from the cruel world outside.

    This seems straightforward and reasonable. It's important for people
    to have a space where they feel safe and accepted. Ideally,
    everyone's social group would be a safe haven. When people who rely
    too heavily upon that refuge feel insecure in that haven, however, a
    commendable ideal mutates into its pathological form, GSF2.

    Carriers of GSF2 believe that since a friend accepts them as they
    are, anyone who criticizes them is not their friend. Thus, they can't
    take criticism from friends -- criticism is experienced as a
    treacherous betrayal of the friendship, no matter how inappropriate
    the criticized behavior may be.

    Conversely, most carriers will never criticize a friend under any
    circumstances; the duty to be supportive trumps any impulse to point
    out unacceptable behavior.

    GSF2 has extensive consequences within a group. Its presence in
    substantial quantity within a social group vastly increases the
    group's conflict-averseness. People spend hours debating how to deal
    with conflicts, because they know (or sometimes merely fear) that the
    other person involved is a GSF2 carrier, and any attempt to confront
    them directly will only make things worse. As a result, people let
    grudges brew much longer than is healthy, and they spend absurd
    amounts of time deconstructing their interpersonal dramas in search
    of a back way out of a dilemma.

    Ironically, GSF2 carriers often take criticism from coworkers,
    supervisors, and mentors quite well; those individuals aren't
    friends, and aren't expected to accept the carrier unconditionally.

    Geek Social Fallacy #3: Friendship Before All
    Valuing friendships is a fine and worthy thing. When taken to an
    unhealthy extreme, however, GSF3 can manifest itself.

    Like GSF2, GSF3 is a "friendship test" fallacy: in this case, the
    carrier believes that any failure by a friend to put the interests of
    the friendship above all else means that they aren't really a friend
    at all. It should be obvious that there are a million ways that this
    can be a problem for the carrier's friends, but the most common one
    is a situation where friends' interests conflict -- if, for example,
    one friend asks you to keep a secret from another friend. If both
    friends are GSF3 carriers, you're screwed -- the first one will feel
    betrayed if you reveal the secret, and the other will feel betrayed
    if you don't. Your only hope is to keep the second friend from
    finding out, which is difficult if the secret in question was a party
    that a lot of people went to.

    GSF3 can be costly for the carrier as well. They often sacrifice
    work, family, and romantic obligations at the altar of friendship. In
    the end, the carrier has a great circle of friends, but not a lot
    else to show for their life. This is one reason why so many geek
    circles include people whose sole redeeming quality is loyalty: it's
    hard not to honor someone who goes to such lengths to be there for a
    friend, however destructive they may be in other respects.

    Individual carriers sometimes have exceptions to GSF3, which allow
    friends to place a certain protected class of people or things above
    friendship in a pinch: "significant others" is a common protected
    class, as is "work".

    Geek Social Fallacy #4: Friendship Is Transitive
    Every carrier of GSF4 has, at some point, said:

    "Wouldn't it be great to get all my groups of friends into one place
    for one big happy party?!"

    If you groaned at that last paragraph, you may be a recovering GSF4
    carrier.

    GSF4 is the belief that any two of your friends ought to be friends
    with each other, and if they're not, something is Very Wrong.

    The milder form of GSF4 merely prevents the carrier from perceiving
    evidence to contradict it; a carrier will refuse to comprehend that
    two of their friends (or two groups of friends) don't much care for
    each other, and will continue to try to bring them together at social
    events. They may even maintain that a full-scale vendetta is just a
    misunderstanding between friends that could easily be resolved if the
    principals would just sit down to talk it out.

    A more serious form of GSF4 becomes another "friendship test"
    fallacy: if you have a friend A, and a friend B, but A & B are not
    friends, then one of them must not really be your friend at all. It
    is surprisingly common for a carrier, when faced with two friends who
    don't get along, to simply drop one of them.

    On the other side of the equation, a carrier who doesn't like a
    friend of a friend will often get very passive-aggressive and
    covertly hostile to the friend of a friend, while vigorously
    maintaining that we're one big happy family and everyone is friends.

    GSF4 can also lead carriers to make inappropriate requests of people
    they barely know -- asking a friend's roommate's ex if they can crash
    on their couch, asking a college acquaintance from eight years ago
    for a letter of recommendation at their workplace, and so on. If
    something is appropriate to ask of a friend, it's appropriate to ask
    of a friend of a friend.

    Arguably, Friendster was designed by a GSF4 carrier.

    Geek Social Fallacy #5: Friends Do Everything Together
    GSF5, put simply, maintains that every friend in a circle should be
    included in every activity to the full extent possible. This is
    subtly different from GSF1; GSF1 requires that no one, friend or not,
    be excluded, while GSF5 requires that every friend be invited. This
    means that to a GSF5 carrier, not being invited to something is
    intrinsically a snub, and will be responded to as such.

    This is perhaps the least destructive of the five, being at worst
    inconvenient. In a small circle, this is incestuous but basically
    harmless. In larger groups, it can make certain social events very
    difficult: parties which are way too large for their spaces and
    restaurant expeditions that include twenty people and no reservation
    are far from unusual.

    When everyone in a group is a GSF5 carrier, this isn't really a
    problem. If, however, there are members who aren't carriers, they may
    want occasionally to have smaller outings, and these can be hard to
    arrange without causing hurt feelings and social drama. It's hard to
    explain to a GSF5 carrier that just because you only wanted to have
    dinner with five other people tonight, it doesn't mean that your
    friendship is in terrible danger.

    For some reason, many GSF5 carriers are willing to make an exception
    for gender-segregated events. I don't know why.

    Interactions
    Each fallacy has its own set of unfortunate consequences, but
    frequently they become worse in interaction. GSF4 often develops into
    its more extreme form when paired with GSF5; if everyone does
    everything together, it's much harder to maintain two friends who
    don't get along. One will usually fall by the wayside.

    Similarly, GSF1 and GSF5 can combine regrettably: when a failure to
    invite someone is equivalent to excluding them, you can't even get
    away with not inviting Captain Halitosis along on the road trip. GSF3
    can combine disastrously with the other "friendship test" fallacies;
    carriers may insist that their friends join them in snubbing someone
    who fails the test, which occasionally leads to a chain reaction
    which causes the carrier to eventually reject all of their friends.
    This is not healthy; fortunately, severe versions of GSF3 are rare.

    Consequences
    Dealing with the effects of social fallacies is an essential part of
    managing one's social life among geeks, and this is much easier when
    one is aware of them and can identify which of your friends carry
    which fallacies. In the absence of this kind of awareness, three
    situations tend to arise when people come into contact with fallacies
    they don't hold themselves.

    Most common is simple conflict and hurt feelings. It's hard for
    people to talk through these conflicts because they usually stem from
    fairly primal value clashes; a GSF3 carrier may not even be able to
    articulate why it was such a big deal that their non-carrier friend
    blew off their movie night.

    Alternately, people often take on fallacies that are dominant in
    their social circle. If you join a group of GSF5 carriers, doing
    everything together is going to become a habit; if you spend enough
    time around GSF1 carriers, putting up with trolls is going to seem
    normal.

    Less commonly, people form a sort of counter-fallacy which I
    call "Your Feelings, Your Problem". YFYP carriers deal with other
    people's fallacies by ignoring them entirely, in the process
    acquiring a reputation for being charmingly tactless. Carriers tend
    to receive a sort of exemption from the usual standards: "that's just
    Dana", and so on. YFYP has its own problems, but if you would rather
    be an asshole than angstful, it may be the way to go. It's also
    remarkably easy to pull off in a GSF1-rich environment.

    What Can I Do?
    As I've said, I think that the best way to deal with social fallacies
    is to be aware of them, in yourself and in others. In yourself, you
    can try to deal with them; in others, understanding their behavior
    usually makes it less aggravating.

    Social fallacies don't make someone a bad person; on the contrary,
    they usually spring from the purest motives. But I believe they are
    worth deconstructing; in the long run, social fallacies cost a lot of
    stress and drama, to no real benefit. You can be tolerant without
    being indiscriminate, and you can be loyal to friends without being
    compulsive about it.

    Hey, Are You Talking About Me?
    If I know you, yeah, probably I am. It doesn't mean I don't love you;
    most of us carry a few fallacies. Myself, I struggle with GSF 1 and
    2, and I used to have a bad case of 4 until a series of disastrous
    parties dispelled it.
    I haven't used any examples that refer to specific situations, if it
    has you worried. Any resemblances to geeks living or dead are
    coincidental.

    Back to Main Page © 2003 Michael Suileabhain-Wilson. All rights
    reserved.

evile: (clutter)

    Oct. 15, 2003

     

     

    http://www.thewavemag.com/pagegen.php?pagename=article&articleid=24184

    Dorkstorm: The Annihilation
    The ten geekiest hobbies
    By Seanbaby

    You can tell a lot about a person from the hobbies they choose,
    especially if it requires them to be tied to a bathtub full of hot
    dogs with a panel of judges and a proctologist with a tape measure
    watching. But enough about coin collecting. We've contacted renowned
    experts on geeks, as well as many actual geeks, to compile this list
    of the dorkiest things you can do with your time. Each activity will
    be ranked on both how badly it humiliates the participant and how
    negatively it affects his or her sex life. These are not rough
    estimates. These are scientific facts based on the research done by
    captive supergeniuses working in controlled conditions with test mice
    and test mice dressed like tiny wizards.



    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    10. Comic Books
    Public Humiliation: 49.5%
    Our studies show that comic book geeks are normally solitary, but
    engage in very noisy arguments when gathered in numbers. These are
    usually based on the most recent superhero movie, and how much it
    sucked. This sucking is always measured in direct relation to the
    number of continuity problems between it and an issue of The
    Incredible Hulk, which to be honest, had some problems of its own
    like the Abrams tank with the completely wrong size smoothbore turret
    and the Hulk's hair just all of a sudden being parted the other way!
    Safety Tip: If your comic book geek isn't loudly complaining about
    something, check carefully – you might have blacked out and killed
    it.

    Damage to Sex Life: 68.7%
    When you're finished showing someone your chart of all the ways
    Magneto's hat in X-Men 2 was incorrect, it's going to be a long,
    uphill battle to then have sex with them. And to make matters worse,
    the faulty shape of the dong port in the movie's version of Magneto's
    hat will make having sex with it even harder.

    Distinguishing Characteristics: Comic book geeks wear a uniform of a
    faded Green Lantern t-shirt and a confrontationally unkempt
    appearance.



    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    9. Role Playing Games
    Public Humiliation: 63.4%
    Dungeons and Dragons combines the nerdiness of a fantasy setting with
    the fruitiness of improvisational theatre, and as if that weren't
    enough for them to deal with, the rest of us think these people are
    going to go crazy and kill us. It's really hard for society to do
    more to tell you that if you play this game, you're on your own.
    Damage to Sex Life: 78.0%
    We weren't exactly sure on this figure, since a 78% means that
    there's still a 22% chance of a woman walking by role players and one
    of them saying, "A minotaur? Here in the Dungeon of Kajmar!? Very
    well, I swing my axe of axing at th- why hello there, pretty lady. My
    name's Twinkleberry, The Spritish Pegasus. Why, as a matter of fact I
    AM single."

    Distinguishing Characteristics: An RPGeek either wears a black heavy
    metal shirt or, in tragic attempts at stylishness, a button-up shirt
    with a wrap-around dragon and flames.



    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    8. Scrapbooking
    Public Humiliation: 86.2%
    Most people tend to avoid scrapbookers in an effort to prevent their
    photo from being pasted between a floral border along with a word
    bubble shouting, "Are we having fun yet!" Scrapbookers have an
    insatiable hunger to date and catalogue precious moments, and many
    fear that these keepsakes are being collected to one day be used in
    an evil plan to flood the world with vomit.
    Damage to Sex Life: N/A
    People who make scrapbooks do not have sex organs like you and me. As
    required by the Code of the Scrapbookers, after the completion of
    their first book of cherished memories, surgeons replace their
    genitalia with paste dispensers.

    Distinguishing Characteristics: You'll know these people because
    they're always leading a small parade of their offspring in karate,
    ballet, scout or soccer uniforms. And according to shocking facts
    learned from these people's sweatshirts, their children THINK THEY'RE
    AN ATM!



    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    7. Star Wars
    Public Humiliation: 82.1%
    Before the lame-ass new Star Wars movies, we might have let it go if
    we saw a Lando Calrissian or an Ewok waiting in line for a movie. Not
    anymore. Anyone disguised as a Jedi in this day and age had better
    have been helped into that costume by a caregiver assigned by the
    state to assist their special needs. Related Trivia Fact: Admiral
    Ackbar is the guy with the fish head from Return of the Jedi that
    screams things like, "Shorshenblorg borshchortle!"

    Damage to Sex Life: 54.6%
    Dressing like Darth Vader creates a number of sexual obstacles. First
    you have to find someone who doesn't mind dating the dark lord of
    geeks, and from this point on the sentence is moot since you won't,
    and then they have to safely be able to dig their way through your
    codpiece of cybernetic space enhancements. Impossible. Plus, the
    speech that Darth Vader gave to Natalie Portman in Episode II (about
    how she was so great because she wasn't like sand) is going to hang
    over the heads of evil single Jedi for generations. On the other
    hand, the strict moral code of the good Jedi prevents them from
    touching naked women with anything other than a light saber. And
    that, of course, would kill them. On the third hand, I have this
    theory I've been meaning to test that jumping into a room naked and
    screaming like Chewbacca would be super erotic. Keep in mind,
    however, that my last theory, "Wouldn't it be sweet if these were
    like, FLYING condoms?" went largely ignored by the sex community.

    Distinguishing Characteristics: Overweight, casually strolling into
    the center of the room, and then when you least expect it, bursting
    into a blinding Jedi combat storm with a golf ball retriever.



    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    6. Vampirism
    Public Humiliation: 90.0%
    When enjoying Tim Burton movies and the Cure aren't enough to express
    your artistic depression, you turn to vampirism. This type of geek
    gathers with its kind to simulate vampiric society through a game of
    milling around and giving each other spooky threats in untraceable
    fake accents. Beginner's Tip: The costumes and makeup required for
    this hobby are elaborate, so if you don't have time every morning for
    a Dracula makeover, you can send the same message by just wearing a
    sign reading, "I hate my parents and my classmates beat me." To make
    this slightly more vampiric you may want to add the word "Blah!" at
    the beginning and end of the sentence.

    Damage to Sex Life: 14.9%
    One danger of vampiric sex is that many singles within in these
    communities are actually undercover vampire hunters waiting to jam a
    stake into you while you're struggling to untie your corset. Aside
    from that hazard, though, it's all good news: The dark creatures
    breed some pretty sexy people jammed into some skimpy leathery
    outfits. If you don't mind making out with someone who, like you,
    tastes like stage blood and cigarettes, you can lead an exciting sex
    life of the night.

    Distinguishing Characteristics: Vampires are difficult to spot. Keep
    an eye out for the group of restless magician corpses with simulated
    human remains dripping from their mouths. One way I've found to make
    sure they're real vampires is to scream, "Skeletor!" and see if they
    cheer in agreement.



    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    5. Collectible Card Games
    Public Humiliation: 96.8%
    Some experts claim that living a moment of completely pure
    humiliation is impossible, since that can only be achieved through
    some kind of lethal masturbation accident. But those experts have
    never seen the shame on a grown man's face who's just been caught by
    someone he knows playing Pokemon cards with a 10-year-old stranger in
    a hobby store.

    Damage to Sex Life: 89.3%
    All the carefully constructed card decks and assault strategies
    become useless once these geeks discover that a woman's vagina
    contains no defending dragon harpies. Ha ha, that's one of those
    double ironic jokes, because anyone who took high school biology
    knows that they actually DO.

    Distinguishing Characteristics: This geek is always carrying a
    backpack, at least one more type of case for emergency miniature
    statues, and a thick layer of atrophied blubber to drip feed them
    nutrients.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    4. Everquest
    Public Humiliation: 70.1%
    Since this game is played over the computer, most people would never
    know you played it unless you told them. However, if you've ever
    known anyone that's played Everquest, you know that the part of their
    brain that allows them to keep the details of their quest for level 8
    Vorpal chaps to themselves has long since been destroyed.

    Damage to Sex Life: 99.8%
    While other geek hobbies act as intercourse repellent, this game is
    so addicting to its users that it will actually destroy any sex life
    they might have, through some kind of groin miracle. And with all the
    male players pretending to be girls to get magical gifts, no one's
    inter-gender social skills are going to be finely tuned when or if
    they ever pull themselves away from imaginary adventuring.

    Distinguishing Characteristics: If someone looks like they and their
    gut have spent the last three days together in the same clothes, and
    they're secreting Mountain Dew out of their pores, that's a good sign
    of Everquest. The other is the wistful look in their eyes that yearn
    to gaze upon lizard warriors killing hobbits.


    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    3. Star Trek
    Public Humiliation: 86.2%
    These geeks used to be called Trekkies, but now insist on the less
    derogatory term Trekkers, which is the image control equivalent of
    adding a koala bear to the Nazi flag. They tend to be unobtrusive,
    but for every hundred Trekkers polite enough to obsess in their own
    homes, there's some bastard singing at the karaoke bar in Klingon and
    a computer repairman demanding that his coworkers address him by his
    Starfleet rank. Before you laugh, though, there's almost assuredly a
    third one building something that can vaporize your non-Star Trek ass
    from orbit.

    Damage to Sex Life: 93.4%
    While it's true that ladies crave fat men with pointy ears and a
    strong armpit odor, those green aliens that Kirk used to bone created
    a standard of beauty for Trekkies that no Earth woman can live up to.

    Distinguishing Characteristics: If someone approaching you is more
    machine than man and threatening to assimilate you, it's either a
    Star Trek enthusiast or an android lost in time. Either way, it's
    your duty as a human to smash it.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    2. Furries/Plushies
    Public Humiliation: 99.95%
    Furries are people who dress like animals to have sex with each
    other, usually without regard for gender of their mate or the species
    of their costume. If that's tough to wrap your head around, picture
    McGruff the Crime Dog coming to your school and humping your mascot's
    leg. Plushies have a similar hobby, but instead of having sex with
    nerds dressed as animals, they consummate their relationships with
    their stuffed animals. I'm sure you've heard of these people; they're
    the main reason the Care Bears declared war against us.

    Damage to Sex Life: -9.2%
    For a plushie out on the prowl, the good news is that barnyard
    puppets just can't say no. And as for the furries, they don't seem to
    be picky about who they mount. Maybe because they're ecstatic to find
    other people with the same debilitating social handicap as
    themselves, but most likely because everyone looks hot as a six-foot
    chicken. I mean, who's with me, how do you not [Censor's note: you
    really didn't want to read this part we cut] all the way into its
    chicken hole!?

    Distinguishing Characteristics: You'll know furries and plushies
    because they'll either be wearing a crotchless panda suit or just a
    screaming teddy bear firmly against their crotch, respectively.


    ------------------------------------------------------------------
    1. Live Action Role Playing
    Public Humiliation: 100%
    Live action role playing, or LARP, is a nerd's parent's worst fears
    come true: Dungeons and Dragons has finally made their child go
    crazy. These people dress up like fantasy characters and go on
    adventures where other nerds play the parts of enemy monsters, which
    would be fine if the participants were in the second grade. When
    adults do it, it's like a renaissance faire and backyard wrestling
    met, had demonic babies, and gave them weapons.

    Damage to Sex Life: 100%
    If you and your team of paladins are thinking about leaving your
    mom's basement to move your fantasy quests into society, you might as
    well leave your genitals behind.

    Distinguishing Characteristics: Aside from the barbarian clothes and
    giant monster heads, it's impossible to know who might be LARPing.
    The only way to be sure is when they throw make-believe fireballs at
    you from their very fingertips, but by then... it's already too late.

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