3842icq w/A

[evile]

 

E

21 Nov. 1:34 pm

 

 

evile: Hey :) How was your weekend?
skye_dsDS: it was a combination of sleep on couch with heating pad in
one place and ice on forehead
skye_dsDS: and adult activity
evile: *nod*
skye_dsDS: saw Harry Potter Friday night, that was good
evile: cool
skye_dsDS: Seasha decided we are moving horses next weekend
skye_dsDS: that's ok, because I felt like crap this weekend anyway
skye_dsDS: what did you end up doing? (I haven't read lj yet)
evile: Nothing much. Went to Ararat Saturday night with Niki, because
the email said Z helene would be there, and instead it was the act
they'd billed as their Friday entertainment. Still good,but not what
I expected.
evile: did some house cleaning and some cooking and some laundry.
Krav on Saturday. Nothing really much.
skye_dsDS: I actually thought about heading into town for that Saturday
night...right before I passed out again :-/
evile: there weren't many folks in the audience, and it was cold out.
So if you were already feeling well, probably best that you didn't
risk a cold on top of everything else.
skye_dsDS: wishing for men looks good
skye_dsDS: everyonce in a while I play my "perfect harem" in my head
evile: *nod*
skye_dsDS: I had it in mind a few days ago and was thinking about
posting and then I thought, nah, but now I want to again lol I'm a
lemming
evile: heh.
evile: I like google searching for prettyness.
skye_dsDS: man did I complicate my friends list
evile: all the communities, you mean?
skye_dsDS: <sheepish>
evile: there's a way to only read individuals rather than groups, but
I don't know how its done.
skye_dsDS: you tell it you don't want the community on your friends list
when you join it
evile: aha. OK.
skye_dsDS: it's actually easier for me to have them all on friends so I
can keep up with them all
skye_dsDS: just makes daily reading so much longer
evile: *nod*
evile: I found an ex's LJ this a.m. That made me feel a bit icky.
evile: apparently he's recently married & is going to law school.
skye_dsDS: I have decided that I don't care who tells me what anymore
evile: OK.
skye_dsDS: that last rant is my final rant
skye_dsDS: I told you about finding Randy's picture online right?
skye_dsDS: it's just weird the way things come at you from out of nowhere
evile: I always have to question the motives of people who tell
me 'so and so is saying such and such about you'
evile: Are they my friends, do they care? or do they just want to see
how upset they can get me, and see if I'll go entertainingly
ballistic.
evile: Apparently, I 'over react' 'all the time' to 'everything'. so
I'd guess mostly people tell me shit to watch me freak out
skye_dsDS: have you managed to find happiness that ex is going to law
school and hope he's happily married?
evile: *shrug* mostly feel like I dodged a bullet. friggin nazi
yuppie prick
evile: Glad I am not his perfect hostess trophy woman baby-factory
skye_dsDS: nods
skye_dsDS: I probably told you how I felt when I came across Randy
unexpectedly
skye_dsDS: I was doing work research of all things
evile: *nod*
skye_dsDS: my first t hought was, I'm glad he's doing what he always
wanted to do, a nd I hope he's happy finally
skye_dsDS: my second thought, which was completely childish I know, was -
- omfg, I'm fat, but he's fugly, and I'm on a diet.
evile: truthfully, I'm surprised my ex got married to a woman. I
always expected him to turn out gay.
skye_dsDS: I had a gay boyfriend once. I didn't know until a month into
the relationship that he was gay. And not because he told me, but
because someon e who didn't know we were dating told me.
skye_dsDS: and HE initiated the relationship, go figure.
skye_dsDS: it got very weird from there (long story, some other time
maybe)
evile: *nod*
evile: In retrospect, I wish I'd discovered my Fag Hag nature earlier
in life and skipped more of the hetero social scene.
evile: gay boys are better dancers, more entertaining
conversationalists, and go to better bars than straight boys.
evile: Gay boys like cleavage and curves.
evile: gay boys are fantastically good for my ego.
skye_dsDS: only problem being, then who do you sleep with
evile: whereas 80% of my straight experiences left me feeling
humiliated, ugly, confused, and stupid.
evile: up till a couple months ago, I was never very interested in
sex.
evile: put out because it's expected and I don't want to go thru the
trouble of cultivating yet another hetero relationship rather than
any desire for intercourse.
evile: "If 10 minutes of squishy noises every once in a while will
keep the person talking to me and spending time with me, well, OK
then. I can put up with that."
evile: These days I am more into it...but it still wouldn't be the
end all/be all of a relationship, were I searching for a new one.
evile: I have the Blowfish Catalog after all. :P
evile: Nikiyoy and I were talking about NRE on Saturday; I kind of miss
it, but it really wasn't worth the rest of the hassle.
skye_dsDS: I haven't had it in a long time now and truthfully I don't
miss it
skye_dsDS: this weekend/week = 3d anniversary with sonar0m, and of course
like going on 14 with sineater
evile: *nod*
skye_dsDS: something that saddens me besides demonization in general
skye_dsDS: and trying not to demonize is why I have limited my rants
because I think there is a fine line between ranting and demonizing
skye_dsDS: although I have no desire to call names, just to state facts
skye_dsDS: but anyway, in addition to demonization in general
skye_dsDS: this tendency to say, the whole relationship was a mistake
skye_dsDS: I mean, wtf is that?
skye_dsDS: how can people go through life saying everything they did
before they were doing what they're doing now, was a series of
mistakes?
skye_dsDS: (be that work or love or whatever kind of relationship)
skye_dsDS: I mean, I don't think they mean to, but that's admitting to
some pretty serious stupidity on their own parts
skye_dsDS: to go through life making nothing but a series of one mistake
after another
evile: *shrug* I feel that way, but I don't blame anybody but my owns
tupid self.
skye_dsDS: do you forget everything good that happened?
skye_dsDS: do you just rewrite history altogether?
skye_dsDS: this is as distasteful to me jsut about as Revisionists who
want to say the Holocaust didn't happen
evile: *shrug* No idea.
skye_dsDS: if there was never anything good about a job or a person in
the first place
skye_dsDS: then how stupid is it to have accepted that job or that
person in the first place
skye_dsDS: something had to have been good about it, or why would you
have gone there to begin with?
evile: My rationale is that I cant' find/do/make anything better, so
might as well settle and hone those powers of denial, kill time until
time kills me.
evile: "it could always be worse" is basically my philosophy of life.
skye_dsDS: that is true, and a perfectly good philosophy to have
evile: I've fucked up and done stupid things, but I could have
fucked up much worse and done a lot more stupid things.
evile: Seems that Kaleon's made a new beginning and ought to have
better things to focus his energy on. Oh well. I know YOU certainly
do.
skye_dsDS: I don't consider him to be a msitake
skye_dsDS: tha tcould just be personal vanity on my part
skye_dsDS: but I don't consider any of my past relationships to be
mistakes
evile: *nod* AFOG and allathat.
skye_dsDS: I don't consider any of my past jobs to be mistakes from the
get go
skye_dsDS: or, the ones that were, were my fault, because I knew better
or should have
skye_dsDS: what is AFOG?
evile: "Another Fucking Opportunity (for) Growth"
skye_dsDS: oh! I've never heard that before
skye_dsDS: I like lesson. I'm lazy, it's just one word.
skye_dsDS: he may think he's made a new beginning, but until he learns
from his history, he's just going to keep repeating it over and over.
skye_dsDS: but regardless, I'm done.
evile: *nod*
skye_dsDS: he has so far rewritten our history that I don't believe he
even remembers the facts anymore
skye_dsDS: some people tell lies over and over until they believe them
skye_dsDS: as opposed to people who tell lies and believe them the
instant they pass the lips
skye_dsDS: whichever, whatever, regardless, I hope he cherishes his
temporary happiness, because in the entire time I've known him, he's
never been happy except temporarily
skye_dsDS: and he has yet to figure out why
evile: Well, he's out of your life, and out of your sphere of mutual
friends, so whatever he does or says...not really your problem
anymore. SAd that he needs to say that and believe it, sadder that
people seem to enjoy hearing that kind of stuff from him and
relationships thrive on that sort of 'poor me' crap.
evile: I have a couple of guy friends who had their whole 'evil woman
what done me wrong' story and bla bla, it was not very interesting
after a short while.
skye_dsDS: only people he's going to attract with bile are bilious people
evile: And when my friend Andrew tried to tell me I was 'just like'
the big heinous evil ex, it pissed me off and broke my heart almost
simultaneously. In hindsight, it was the only kind of relationship he
could understand, so that's why he was trying to force me to be Her,
but I didn't realize it at th e time.
skye_dsDS: that's identifying behavior(s) with a person, and I heartily
disagree with that
skye_dsDS: persons can share behaviors
evile: *nod*
skye_dsDS: does NOT make them the same people
skye_dsDS: what I prefer to say is, you know, so and so used to behave
that way, and it saddened me then, and it saddens me now
evile: yup. But with some folks, in the same way that diamondbacks
and coral snakes aren't the same, once you identify the 'venomous
snake' thing, you don't really want to go much further in exploring
their glorious differences.
skye_dsDS: I really don't understand women who are sexually aroused by a
man spewing venom and bile. I really don't get that. Outside of
Kaleon I have NEVER gotten that.
skye_dsDS: it's like...physical abuse, for that matter.
skye_dsDS: what makes them think, if he hit someone else, he won't hit
her?
skye_dsDS: or if he spews venom and bile about someone else, it won't
happen with her?
skye_dsDS: what makes t hem think that they're "special"?
evile: *shrug* I've read and researched abusive relationships quite
a big, and I can't tell you why.
skye_dsDS: I don't understand men quite a bit. I don't understand women
more than I don't understand men. I think, I don't understand
people, in general.
evile: yup
skye_dsDS: I don't know what people (Xtal & Kaleon fer instance, but more
generally as well) don't get about this
skye_dsDS: no, we do not want to know anything else about them
skye_dsDS: not their successes, not their failures, nothing
evile: yup
skye_dsDS: it is not entertaining. don't want to wish them happiness,
don't want to gloat when they fall, just don't. don't want them to
go away mad, just to go away. period.
evile: yup. It still creeps me out no end that Xtal came to my house
and put a note on my door....at least you don't have to worry about
that with Kaleon.
skye_dsDS: hopefully
skye_dsDS: he still sends his little minions out to harangue me
skye_dsDS: and it has been suggested to me that I stop posting details
about where I'm going to be and when on my LJ
skye_dsDS: but that's one of the primary reasons I HAVE an LJ, originally
evile: well, and you have enough property to where you could
definitely justify shooting someone who came all the way off the main
road & on to your property & up to your house.
skye_dsDS: damn straight
evile: I keep all my 'where I'm going/what I'm doing' under friends-
lock.
skye_dsDS: I don't think he'd be stupid enough to show up at the ranch.
skye_dsDS: more likely to show up somewhere socially and then accuse me
of following HIM there
evile: There's stilla chance that if I say I''m going to be out of
town, someone will come by and rob or vandalize, but at least I've
got a narrower list of suspects if that happens.
skye_dsDS: that's very true. and much more chance that Xtal & Co would
do that kind of activity.
skye_dsDS: Kaleon I think is more likely to show up somewhere he knows I
am, to stalk me, and then turn it around and say I was stalking him
evile: At this point, he's been gone long enough that I don't think
there's anyone at GWNN or poly who would remember him, so if he tried
to pull some kind of 'I was here first, why are you following me'
there, he'd get laughed at (and that's the BeST possible outcome)
skye_dsDS: showing up at the ranch would n ot create public drama, and
would just get him shot
evile: *nod*
skye_dsDS: by us or by the Sheriff. That's the Sheriff's response to
everything. "Wanna shootem r want me 2?"
evile: I told [Cousin B] I was done with being tactful; if he brings home an
abusive psycho, I'm just gonna shoot the bitch and bury her in an
unmarked grave.
skye_dsDS: I'm tired of censoring myself
skye_dsDS: my journal dammit and I'm going to say what I want to say.
evile: *nod*
skye_dsDS: I use cuts more than judiciously, nobody has to read it if
they don't want to
evile: exactly.
skye_dsDS: I"m not going to worry about what pointyhead is translating
what I say into whatever else
skye_dsDS: and if pointyheads want to show up where I"m at, well, that's
been done before
skye_dsDS: it didn't turn out well
skye_dsDS: last person who did it got bitten and nearly kicked by two
horses and nearly physically thrown out by the entire camp of
equestrians
evile: *nod*
skye_dsDS: I love, I am loved, thereby rendering public attacks on me
pointless and stupid
evile: *nod*
evile: The people who know you and love you are not going to be
persuaded by the people who don't...so don't give the jerks your time
and energy.
evile: Do you rown thing, spend time with the people whose company
you enjoy, who enjoy yours, and dont' worry about people who dont'
have anything better to do than try and rain on your parade. If you
don't give them any response, they'll give up, eventually.
skye_dsDS: don't care whether they give up or not. Although after this
many years, I begin to think they aren't ever going to give up
skye_dsDS: they're pitiful
skye_dsDS: "look, look, I'm happy, look evil bitch, be jealous!
skye_dsDS: whatever
evile: I get very mad at perceived unfairness/injustice/lies/smears
on my character....but really, that just gives the person what they
want. Even if they do upset me, I'm not going to let them see it
anymore.
skye_dsDS: control your character. can't do shit about your reputation.
skye_dsDS: I am much happier now that I know that my reputation hasn't
got squat to do with my character.
skye_dsDS: completely unearned
skye_dsDS: not my fault.
skye_dsDS: see, part of owning your own shit
skye_dsDS: is NOT owning shit that ISN"T yours
evile: *nod*
skye_dsDS: and for the first three decades of my life, I was convinced
that EVERYBODY'S shit was my shit to own
skye_dsDS: I am continually amazed, I guess moreso lately although I
don't know why
skye_dsDS: that people swallow such unadulterated big fucking lies
skye_dsDS: with such ease
skye_dsDS: it's like...don't you need like vaseline or castor oil to
swallow that shit whole? no? wtf?
skye_dsDS: I may be going back into another one of my "people are in
general fucking stupid" phase.
evile: yup
skye_dsDS: I think if I hadn't been holding back that Words Mean Things
rant for so long, it might not have been as bad as it was
skye_dsDS: and i held it back because I was so worried about what other
people were going to think
skye_dsDS: both my friends and those who are not
evile: *nod*
skye_dsDS: so from now on I'm just going to post whatever goes through
my own little mind and anybody who doesn't like it can close their
eyes and not read it
evile: exactly
evile: Meanwhile, I'm re-resolving to make my LJ less about the
existential angst and more about 'hey, lets do stuff together'
skye_dsDS: I see people apologizing for venting angst all the time
skye_dsDS: I would think that venting it in a journal is far better than
venting it anywhere else
skye_dsDS: what does one expect when reading another person's inner
thoughts anyway?
evile: I see it as "if I would not do this to you in person, I'm not
going to inflict it on you in writing" and that's where I"m going to
try and steer from now on.
evile: Venting doesn' t make me feel better, it makes me feel stupid
afterwards. Why keep doing that to myself?
evile: The SBC might stil get angst from time to time...they're
really the only pepole I'd trust in person with that kind of whining,
so I guess they'll continue to get it on LJ.
evile: Whining and bitching does not win friends and influence
people, nor does complaining about how alone I am motivate people to
do things with me. AND it doesnt' make me feel better. SO, it needs
to stop.
skye_dsDS: if it doesn't make you feel better, I completely agree.
evile: yup
evile: holy crap.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/whitewillows/208431.html
skye_dsDS: somebody finally gets it enough to write about it. good.
evile: probably not enough legal precedent for me to sue and retire
with millions, though. Oh well. it's rather validating to have a name
for what happens to me here.
skye_dsDS: nods
skye_dsDS: just what I needed, a new playtoy (sparkly graphix)
evile: heh.
skye_dsDS: LJ is slow today
skye_dsDS: probably everybody playing with sparklies LOL
evile: They're moving servers
evile: It was slow all weekend.
skye_dsDS: get to go to the courthouse to file a suit, woo
skye_dsDS: <less than enthused
evile: yeah....
evile: Know what you mean about the holidays...this year, though,
they're not going to be so bad.
skye_dsDS: you have always had better sense about how to avoid what you
don't like
skye_dsDS: off to courthouse, bbiab *sigh*
evile: I don't have to avoid anything. Nothing's happening :)
Have a nice trip :)