Couch Rot Day
Aug. 8th, 2024 04:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
evileHad a fussy morning with the husband; he needed something from the medicine cabinet and couldnt' find it and fussed at me about it. I guess my brother borrowed it and didn't replace it? I don't know. It had been just sitting up there for years and as far as I know never used, so if my brother needed it and I gave it to him....*shrug* So I went to the store today and bought 3 more , they can sit in the cabinet for the next 10 years not being used. Fuck it.
We had 'potato bar' for supper last night. Baked potatoes in instant pot and then bacon bits, sour cream, butter, chives, cheesy broccoli,etc. out on the table to put on them as each person wants. Thax cut his potato in half and I thought he was going to save the other half fo later. When I was puttering around in the kitchen this morning, the half potato was still out on the counter and I said something about 'if you want stuff to be good for later, you have to put it in the fridge,: turns out he wasn't saving it for later, he didn't like it the first time and hasn't ever really liked potato bar night.
So, he doesn't like steak, he doesn't like potatoes. Ok. He grew up in a shitty family where kids have to clean their plates and eat what their given and not complain...so that's basically what he does now. Doesn't that sound joyous? Come home and joylessly munch down on whatever horrible swill your insane shrew of a wife slops out for you? wow. Such a great life. Exactly the sort of married bliss I aspire to provide for my loved one.
I haven't been working since end of March. My only utiiity to this family as of now is to cook and clean. And since half the shit I cook is stuff he just suffers through and stuffs down, I'm not doing a very good job of that, am I?
I come from a family where we were poor as shit and you don't waste food. And also food is love. And my smart brain knows that is some fucking toxic crazy ass bullshit but it's hard to tell my crazy self anything once I'm off and running....
So all of this is very triggering and upsetting for me. The smart and sane part of my brain knows that no one is attacking or rejecting me when they don't eat what I cook or don't like what I cook. and the part of me that is not crazy understands that we are not starving and poor and we can throw away food we don't want or dont like and it's not a terrible thing.
But I did not handle it very well this morning, at all. and I'm not sure what to do. I'm about to start working again. My time to shop and prepare food is going to become more limited. I'm already out of fucking ideas for shit to cook every goddamn motherfucking night Monday through Friday. My brother says fish and pork make him sick, so I don't cook any. Fine. Seems Like there should still be lots of things I could make that people would actually like and enjoy, not just stuff down because it's expected.
And I don't want to be the crazy scary person who forces people to eat, or eat more than they want, when they don't like the food or I made too large of portions or whatever the everliving fuck.
I really wish I could just quit. Everything. I am not doing very well.
I never, ever ever want to be my mom. And I didn't want to be her when she was 100% either. But in all ways I am certainly headed that way, it seems. :(
We had 'potato bar' for supper last night. Baked potatoes in instant pot and then bacon bits, sour cream, butter, chives, cheesy broccoli,etc. out on the table to put on them as each person wants. Thax cut his potato in half and I thought he was going to save the other half fo later. When I was puttering around in the kitchen this morning, the half potato was still out on the counter and I said something about 'if you want stuff to be good for later, you have to put it in the fridge,: turns out he wasn't saving it for later, he didn't like it the first time and hasn't ever really liked potato bar night.
So, he doesn't like steak, he doesn't like potatoes. Ok. He grew up in a shitty family where kids have to clean their plates and eat what their given and not complain...so that's basically what he does now. Doesn't that sound joyous? Come home and joylessly munch down on whatever horrible swill your insane shrew of a wife slops out for you? wow. Such a great life. Exactly the sort of married bliss I aspire to provide for my loved one.
I haven't been working since end of March. My only utiiity to this family as of now is to cook and clean. And since half the shit I cook is stuff he just suffers through and stuffs down, I'm not doing a very good job of that, am I?
I come from a family where we were poor as shit and you don't waste food. And also food is love. And my smart brain knows that is some fucking toxic crazy ass bullshit but it's hard to tell my crazy self anything once I'm off and running....
So all of this is very triggering and upsetting for me. The smart and sane part of my brain knows that no one is attacking or rejecting me when they don't eat what I cook or don't like what I cook. and the part of me that is not crazy understands that we are not starving and poor and we can throw away food we don't want or dont like and it's not a terrible thing.
But I did not handle it very well this morning, at all. and I'm not sure what to do. I'm about to start working again. My time to shop and prepare food is going to become more limited. I'm already out of fucking ideas for shit to cook every goddamn motherfucking night Monday through Friday. My brother says fish and pork make him sick, so I don't cook any. Fine. Seems Like there should still be lots of things I could make that people would actually like and enjoy, not just stuff down because it's expected.
And I don't want to be the crazy scary person who forces people to eat, or eat more than they want, when they don't like the food or I made too large of portions or whatever the everliving fuck.
I really wish I could just quit. Everything. I am not doing very well.
today has been a 'rot on the couch and watch TV with the dogs' day.
I am confronted with Don MIguel Ruiz First Agreement: Be Impeccable With Your Word.
I have been angry and sad that my mom no longer has capacity for reading, writing, physical activity, conversation, etc. I have been angry and sad that G/Dad isn't here to be with her, but he left her financially cared for such that if she WAS able to go and do things, she could pretty much do anything she wants...I have been angry and sad that all she seems to want to do or be able to do is stay in bed and watch TV.
And here I am.... doing nothing. staying home and watching TV. Definitely not building my own mental or physical strength in preparation for my own older age. 
I do find that most of the qualities or habits I find disappointing, frustrating, and angry-making in others are qualities and habits of myself that I find distasteful.
ain't that a pickle.
I never, ever ever want to be my mom. And I didn't want to be her when she was 100% either. But in all ways I am certainly headed that way, it seems. :(
