evile

Tue, 21 Apr 2026 22:17:29 GMT

rainy and dark all day; I really wanted to just stay in bed. But then a dog puked on the comforter, so there went that plan. "not awakey can't mistakey"...I'm just so tired of being alive. unemployed. fat. stupid. Just tired of all of it. I ate a tamale and a lot of candy. Watched about an hour of an excel tutorial I'm trying to get through (7 hrs...uggggh)

Housemate had an apartment complex she was working with but the final walk through for the apartment she wanted got rescheduled twice and now they won't return her calls...so she's on to the next place. Going to visit there Thursday and then hopefully she'll have a new place squared away. first floor apt, no stairs to deal with, all good.

weiner dog races this weekend in buda or kyle or someplace....

there's a steampunk fest in Eureka Springs. Wish i had the $ and a plan to go...oh well.

president wants to nuke iran and apparently despite all best efforts of the regime there are still military members in place who won't push the button. Hm. or so the story is going. who knows what the reality is.

No justice for any of Epstein's victims.

they discovered a website with 62 million hits in a single month; dudes talking about, showing pictures of, drugging and raping their female SOs. trading advice on which drugs to use, and how to make sure she's really unconscious before raping and / or letting other dudes rape her.

I am so sick of men. Just fucking end the world already. fuck it all.

tired and sad tired and sad tired and sad.

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Tue, 14 Apr 2026 18:01:24 GMT

So...housemate has somehow added the aroma of cabbage or broccoli [edit to add: it was apparently a baked potato. with, I guess broccoli and cheese on it?] to the catbox and MJ melange at the front door. It is unconscionable.

I went to Trader Joe's and HEB so I've been out of the house for a lot of today. Housemate isn't particularly friendly to me when it's just us. Which is fine. Just a big change from her behavior in front of my husband. I got some more air freshener for the front entryway. sigh.

She told me this affternoon that she realizes she's overstayed her welcome and that she is sorry she asked me for help. (or she regrets asking me for help? something like that) It's either manipulation or sincerity but either way, I had no reply. It would be rude to agree and it would be lying to disagree. I just told her that I was disappointed that none of her other local friends seem to have stepped up or reached out. She said something about how people are busy living their own lives and she understands. But not even just to offer to socialize... then again, I do recall that one of her high school friends was going to be in town during spring break and reached out and housemate turned her down (she was feeling sick that week, I think, puking a lot)

Other than one couple, who invited her (and us) to a friday after thanksgiving gathering (we went), and for a new years gathering (I think Husband and I had something else going on, and housemate didn't go. I guess she didn't want to drive herself or uber or anything)

I mean, yeah, we all have lives and stuff going on. But I dont' think much of the people she came back to Austin because she supposedly had such a good bunch of people here and loves this town*so much*....

She organized one get together at a bar down south. it was me, the couple that's invited us over a couple of times, and one other couple. But as far as I know that's it from them.

My mom dying last June, and the ongoing unemployment fiasco has really knocked the wind out of my sails. I don't seem to have many 'spoons' for other people. When I heard about my mom, I was at housemate's storage unit, having driven her in her car (I don't remember why I was asked/expected to drive?) She was relentlessly self centered through that news and I don't th ink she said one kind or sympathetic thing. I said my mom was gone, and she started in with a continuation of her monologue about how was she going to do this or get that, and I was just like . "My mom just died, can you please give me a fucking break?" and then I guess I drove her back to the house, got in my bug and went to San Marcos for the rest of the day to some of my mom's college stomping grounds.(and the check engine light came on as I was making the trip to or from...ugh) Anyway, damn. I guess housemate's deal is that she is a widow whose husband died suddenly and unexpectedly and she had a terrible fall and was in her basement for days and she's had all these health things so she feels entitled to center herself in every situation because her pain and distress are greater than anyone else's. I mean, yeah, those are terrible things. But I feel like she really showed me who she is at that moment and I really was done at that moment because while I am a good person (codependent doormat) who goes above and beyond for friends and family who are in trouble and need help, the one time I might have needed some kindness and care...she didn't have it to give. And do I really want or need one sided relationships? I'd rather have no relationships

I know I haven't had the best relationship with my mom, and her dying was a blessing considering the state she had been in for the last couple years, but still. Anyway, once you see someone's true colors like that...hard to bother with giving a shit about them anymore. Insufferable main character syndrome.

I don't see myself as main character syndome. I mean, my life is important to me. but most of the time I'm happy to listen to other people and not need to be center stage. But, yeah...sometimes I need care and attention too.

though I suspect I've trained/conditioned all of the people in my life to need and depend on me and not expect me to ever need or depend on them. I am not great with boundaries. I give and do and give and do..and then I'm done and the door slams and people are left out in the cold going 'wtf' because I probably didn't say anything before I slammed the door in their faces and turned them out.

oh well. I'm going to be 56 years old soon. I suspect this is who I am and that I won't be having too many close friendships or relationships from here until the end. It's probably not healthy to be thinking "i'd rather be alone than stuck doing and giving to people who don't give a shit about me," it does seem to my smart brain that there is some middle path of reciprocal relationship and healthy interdependence...but I haven't found or created that for myself in my relationships so I don't think it's going to be a thing in my life.

anyhoo....housemate has been working with an apartment complex to do a final walk thru of a place she likes and start the moving process. It will be good to have an empty room to use to put things as we have flooring done in the rest of the house, when there's money again.

Job hunting continues. I have no hope in that area whatsoever. Spot silver is $80/oz. I have some silver coins my father left to me, should it come to that.

I fed and walked dogs, halfass made the bed ( Pepita dog was in the bed 'helping' so it's not the best job ever), swept and mopped in the kitchen and dining area, loaded and ran the dishwasher, had leftover pizza and instant coffee for breakfast. I think I remembered to take my vitamins. I'm going to lunch with my aunt L. tomorrow, and Thursday is Sunny dog's vet checkup.

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just bitchin'

Wed, 01 Apr 2026 19:06:52 GMT

Up, felt like shit, took care of dogs, washed,d ressed, applied for jobs.

Housemate Sam came out around 2pm as I am sauteeing onions and browning meat to put in the instant pot for supper, complaining about her in-laws' attorney badgering her for the return of some paperwork which will end up paying her 25K for her interest in some of her deceased husband's stepdads property that he's selling. She proceeds to lament that the Universe is conspiring against her and then returns to her catbox smelling room (where her animals have doubtless ruined my floor and probably most/all of the furnishings with their urine, feces, and/or scratching)

Oh, please tell me more about this terrible life you have. In a comfortable room in a comfortable home with climate control and food and electricity and running water which you have paid minimally to occupy. Where you have no obligations, no responsiblities, and can sleep or watch TV or read all day long in your pajamas and bathe once a week, or never, as you like. Where you have health insurance covered by your deceased husband and a doctor who does tele-visits, and people you don't even like falling all over themselves to hand you gobs of money. Yes, you are very very put-upon and miserable, to be sure. My heart, it is bleeding for you. Bleeding, I say!

(as I cook, clean, feed and walk her dog, and continue to search for paid work outside the home)

Such pity I feel. Such compassion. Poor poor housemate Sam. The universe has conspired against her at every turn to give her the softest possible landing ever.

And, yes, i realize that if I didn't have my husband I'd be fooooooooked, but yes, I am also enjoying a comfortable existence on the back of someone else's labor. :/

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Sun, 29 Mar 2026 07:15:40 GMT

Saw a post this evening from the last good place I worked, the contract that ended Feb 2025 and for various fucked up reasons did not take the permanent full time job there (my temp agency recruiter told me the company had 'decided to go a different direction' and it would be another 6 month contract which I'd have to interview for again) and on that info, I accepted a 6 month remote contract (that ended up being a clusterfuck that ended early due to those people being disorganized and their stuff not being ready to go live)....and then once I'd accepted that contract, got an offer for the full time permanent role I thought didn't exist due to misinfo from my temp agency recruiter...and for whatever reason, felt I had to keep my word to my other temp agency. stupid, stupid, stupid stupid stupid.

I've been kicking myself in the ass for over a year for making those stupid, self-sabotaging, idiotic decisions, for feeling obligated to keep my word (to someone/person/agency/job who obviously placed little to no value on me) over making the best decision for my own self and my own future. It's the place my brain goes to night after weary fucked up night, that keeps me up until 3 or 4 in the morning, beating and berating myself endlessly and knowing that there's not a fucking thing I can do to go back in time and fix it.

And, for all I know, I'm blacklisted at the company for not accepting their perm/full time offer.

But, I can get some decent sleep I will take the time tomorrow to apply to the job and see what happens. I'd like to quit fucking myself over. I'd like to be working and bringing in money again.

The commute wasn't my favorite, but it was at least a hybrid role that gave me mondays and fridays at home, and for the kind of money they pay, it's worth the drive.

Anyway....maybe by writing it down and getting it out I will finally be able to rest. :/ My pillows are all uncomfortable, I'm hot, my stomach hurts, and my right ankle is hurting as always. I did fuckall with my day today. I just don't use my time well at all.

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Wishlist/things to do

Wed, 25 Feb 2026 19:49:32 GMT

New roof (maybe metal, maybe solar?)
new gutters with leaf guard(?) and rainwater storage
trees and branches around house trimmed
solar screen for bedroom window

eye exam and new contact lens prescription
probably time for medical checkup, mammogram, and maybe colonoscopy
been keeping up with my teeth pretty well since husband has dental insurance. out of pocket goes to Madame Visa

2nd opinion on Pepita's hips and possible hip surgery (at least $7K)
been keeping up with dog vet checkups & monthly heartworm/parasite preventative
haven't been keeping up as well with dog dental needs. This toothbrush is cool. It makes the plaque so easy to just chip off with a fingernail or tool. I just don't use it regularly.

Maybe sunroom or greenhouse?

Mini split a/c units for master bedroom (apartment) and our room.

Thax wants double doors/french doors from the living room to the back yard. Right now it's one big pane of glass and one door with a big pane of glass. I think it used to be a sliding glass door when the house was built.

We have a falling-down rock wall between our house and our neighbors on the left as you face the house from the street....I think I'd like a better fence there.

And maybe repair the driveway where they had to cut a trench to replace the poop pipe.

Housemate Sam had a Dr. appointment yesterday; at some point a couple weeks ago she asked (yes asked!) if I'd be able to take her. I said sure, just let me know when. Other than my interview on the 19th I have no plans, bla bla. Then Monday she was complaining because some taxicab scheduling app was giving her a hard time for trying to schedule a pickup tuesday morning for her dr appt (this was the first I heard about it) I think I was expected to jump in and volunteer to drive her, but she didn't actually ASK and I am trying to get better about only saying yes if asked, not offering or jumping in to rescue and problem-solve for people. ("dry begging" is a bad habit around here, we all need to break ourselves of it, my part is also not offering if not asked)

anyhoo, tuesday morning she got up and was waiting outside on the front porch for a while (setting off the motion detector and the dogs) and then she came back into the house, said something about how the taxi hadn't come, something about hating her life, and then she went into her room. A few minutes later, she left her room, left the house, got into her car and drove off. I thought to myself "Oh, good, she's decided to drive herself to her doctor's appointment," (she drives, she has a car that works, I'm really not sure where this whole 'someone [E] needs to drive me to my appointments," came from. Maybe leftover from her marriage and things her spouse used to do for her. If she was getting a treatment or getting her eyes dilated I can see why she'd want a ride, but otherwise, I don't really get it. As far as I know this was just an in person checkup to get her anxiety, heart, and/or sleep meds refilled. She came back a while later and had a cardboarrd box that she said was good if anyone needed it for anything. I said no, so she said she'd take it to the recyling bin. And I said something about I was glad she decided to drive herself to her appointment and she said no, she hadn't, she would not have arrived on time, so she just needed to drive around. Apparently she wnet to a breakfast place and had breakfast. I guess that's OK too. she does need to get out of the house more often.

She didn't respond when I texted everyone that supper was ready last night. She didn't come out for supper Monday night either. Sleeping, sulking, dunno, whatever.

I am disappointed in her local 'friends' who haven't come over, haven't taken her out, haven't called, etc. Other than one outing she scheduled at a bar and about 4 people came other than me and thax, and getting invited to post thanksgiving thanksgiving at one couples' house. Oh, and I think they invited her for new year or new year's day? but we already had plans so we didn't drive her and Sam didn't go by herself.

I am wondering if they've reached out and she just hasn't responded, or if they just haven't reached out. I'm sad she doesn' t have the connections or the support or the community that she seemed to think she had here. A lot of the people we used to know have moved out of Texas, too. So....

anyway. Im sad for her but .... "I didn't take that child to raise," as my aunt L's dear friend Elaine used to say.

No more interviews but one nearby employer's career site says I'm still 'under consideration' for the one job I interviewed for, the one job I've done the pre recorded video interview for, and one job I haven't gotten to the next step(s) for. I've been trolling them and one other nearby big employer, 5-10 min drive away to both offices, and both pay well, and both are fairly recession proof (workers comp agency, retirement fund admin. agency)

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Fri, 13 Feb 2026 19:21:17 GMT

Housemate S may be coming in to more money; her deceased husband's stepdad is selling property in Utah and wants to 'buy out' S. and her sister in law (dead husband's sister). Once again, this is stuff she had no idea existed and therefore didn't know she had a claim to, and these folks are going out of their way to cut her in on it.

I really hope she continues to remain in contact and tries to refrain from being assy to them She could be comfortably set for the rest of her life if she's wise with this inheritance. Seems like the SIL is really trying hard to help her out.

and speaking of, ours, if it happens....

I'm thinking if Brother A. really moves out of the master bedroom area/apartment, I may go ahead and turn that room and the side yard into kind of a 'home spa' area. swim spa or hot tub, and then indoor salt booth and/or red light panels with a comfortable place to lay down and soak it up. Some yoga mats and things for exercising. Perhaps a continuation/fruition of Amma's dreams with regard to that room.

hm. Not 100% realisitic to think about but still fun. Would i actually use it? hahaha.

anyhoo...job interview Thursday. I need to recolor my hair.

Friday on the chore list while i'm being a fulltime housewife is clean up the bedroom and change the sheets. Make everything fresh and lovely for the weekend, sleeping in with my husband. It's his birthday Monday. We are going out for dinner with the fam. Aunt L. always likes to do things on the actual day.

Tomorrow would be my mother's birthday, it's the first since her death. I suppose Valentine's Day has always been sort of awful but this makes it somewhat worse; bleh

I bought myself a dozen roses yesterday while I was out shopping-lavender, yellow, and kind of pink-orangey-peach colored. I also got bird seed and a couple of birthday gifts for husband; his amazon wishlist is mostly stuff he's going to buy himself at some point, nothing 'heartfelt' or what I'd think of as personal. I dunno. it's hard to buy things for him when we have so much and so much *clutter* already, stuff that isn't being used for anything. But not getting him things makes me feel like I'm not showing caring....yay capitalism.

I planted a bunch of wildflower seeds in front and back yards (yay no HOA!) since it is supposed to rain today and tomorrow.

Ummmmm....what else? Walked and fed dogs. Looked at jobs. heard from a recruiter yesterday, she left voicemail around 4pm saying that an interview was available today at 1 if I was available. wow. I suppose I should have jumped on it but I didn't. I gave availability next week so if I do hear back from her I can do a little research on the position and prepare. I am lousy enough at job interviews when I *do* attempt to be prepared, so....why shoot myself in the foot on purpose by going in blind?

I think I am probably retired, though. whether I like it or not. We are in a recession, whether the government cares to admit it or now, the job market is bad, and I'm 55 years old, female and obese. Strike 3 I'm out. This article seems to suggest that at this age and this point in my career, I ought to be 1) relying on my network to find new work [what network?] and 2) in a management or leadership position rather than still doing support/back of house type work. Even though that's what I'm good at and what i like. I like processes, systems, and organization. I like it when those things are already in place. If/when I become familiar enough with the process and the WHY of the process [state and federal laws, organization rules, best practices, etc.) only then will I suggest or implement process improvements. I'm really comfortable with coming in and learning how to do the thing and doing the thing, consistently and reliably, for however long. I don't get bored with repetition. I could see myself in a training role, once I understood the system and process well enough to teach others. But as far as creating a system or process from scratch, not so much.

Wanting to come in at 'entry level' (even though they want years of experience even for 'entry' level] or associate level at my age makes me undesirable because it's feared that I won't be flexible, adaptable, 'hungry' enough, and won't stay long enough to be worth the investment. And age discrimination is against the law, so both myself and my interviewers have to speak in 'code' about this. They can't say 'we don't want to hire you because you're old,' and I can't say "I know I'm old but I am still good," in so many words. hm.

And since I fucked over everyone who had my back and recommended me internally at the job I wanted last year, I don't have any connections/word of mouth that will help me where I am now. I hadn't thought of it that way, but by telling all the account owners/executives/teams that I was going for a position, getting the offer (possibly because of them putting in a good word) and then not taking it (misinformation, misunderstanding, misplaced loyalty), I basically spit in their faces. I will never again turn down permanent full time work in favor of a contract. I learned that one pretty hard, didn't I? And of course, never working with that particular recruiter or for that particular company ever again.

anyhoo...I need to let that go. (wanting to beat self in head. STOP WITH THESE INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS AND RECRIMINATIONS. STOP STOP STOP. IT DOES NOT HELP. --I had insomnia until 3am going back over all of that bullshit. I am so tired of my fucking scumbag brain. yes I did a stupid. yes I made a mistake. yes I fucked myself over. Yes I miss my colleagues and the people I developed nice work relationships with. Yes I am sure I surprised and disappointed them by not taking the job they recommended me for. Yes I am in a bad place now because of that mistake. I can't do a fucking thing about it. I cannot go back in time. so please please please STOP STOP STOP)

I have an interview next week that I need to plan and prepare for, and hope that I speak the right magic words to overcome the 'overqualified' (means TOO OLD) prejudice. And working again will make me feel less worthless and stupid. Won't that be nice.

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Just bitchin

Mon, 09 Feb 2026 20:18:11 GMT

I don't do sportsball, so I didn't watch the game, the commercials, or the halftime show (s). Today I am glad I don't work in an office, so I don't haave to hear about any of that.

I got up today and started laundry, walked and fed dogs, went to the store and got supper fixins for the week. I arbitrarily decided at some point in the past that I don't cook on weekends. But if I don't plan, shop, and cook, then when and whether or not I eat on weekends depends on husband planning, shopping, and cooking, and it seems to annoy and frustrate him to do that. So I need to either decide that I *do* cook on weekends and just do that, or I need to stop expecting husband to do something that is difficult for him and unpleasant for all concerned. It's not like there's not food in the house, I could cook on weekends. Or I could reheat leftovers for myself. What I don't want to do is 7 nights a week of meal planning, shopping, and preparations. I know I'm not working an not bringing in money but I feel like I deserve a break on weekends, too. just to enjoy my time with my husband. But the expectation of me not cooking and him having to think of something makes him stressed and he definitely deserves to rest and relax when he's not working, especially on weekends. I didn't want to turn me not cooking two nights a week into a stress point, or a fight. When all else fails, let go of expectations. Let go of depending on anyone but me to feed and care for me.That seems bleak and sad but better than fighting or being hungry. So. Husband isn't a bad person. Just...a white guy who lives in a white guy world.

I try not to be a burden or a trouble. I know I'm not bringing money in. I am cooking and taking care of dogs and keeping the house stocked with things like toilet paper and aspirin and normal stuff we all need and use and sometimes I attempt cleaning house and mostly I keep up with laundry. I know I'm not the best 'housewife' in the world; my mother didn't really raise me to be a 'homemaker' because she was a 60s era feminist, she didnt' want me to settle for being a wife and mother, she wanted me to get educated and have a career, and I did those things and i liked them, ish. Probably should have figured out the abusive shitty job situation sooner than I did and gotten into something better, but I didn't. And of course last year was a fucking fiasco as far as career stuff, oh well. As far as 'housewife things,' I figured out cooking anyway because I like food and I like to eat. But the rest of it.....I'm still basically guessing what grownups do inside their houses to make things look like an adult lives there and not a pack of Lost Boys and/or feral possums. And the house is too cluttered and shameful (plus I have no money) to ask or pay someone else to do it.

Anyway. I'm irritated and frustrated and fucking sick of the patriarchy and all of its brain poison.

anyway. blah. I'm tired of this life. I don't know what else I could/should be doing though.

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Thu, 29 Jan 2026 19:55:23 GMT

did not sleep well or comfortably last night; dogs squishing me out of the bed, ankle and knee pain, congested and headachey....and then the dreams were.... just wierd. First I was on a date? or meeting someone? turned out he was a big star wars Empire fan boy and his place was all done up in black furniture and red neon lighting. As soon as I saw his space, I got red flags and knew I wasn't safe and needed to leave. I asked where the bathroom was, and it was normal. (like he'd never used it so it was pretty much however it was when he moved in, generic white towels, etc.) and then I tried to leave but ended up in some kind of maze like parking garage. Aunt L. showed up and was trying to help me find my car. Which was the Tercel she gave me when I was in college. I remember being a little distressed because there wasn't a key fob with a 'panic' button I could hit so the car would honk and I could find it. We went to this dead end alleyway and it was all enclosed in wire mesh and there was this...metallic robot snake trying to fly/jump up and attack/electrocute us, but it couldn't get to us because of the cage. We crawled through an ice tunnel and finally found the car. I don't remember anything else about that dream.

another dream: my mom was driving us around in the VW vanagon we had when I was in high school. It was me, Thax, Flavio, and Alex. She dropped us off at this shop that was full of essential oils and rocks and stuff (a witch shop/head shop, I guess?) but it was also full of dogs, kind of like greyhounds. They were leashed and tied at several places in the store so that if you went to try on a particular fragrance they'd block you and want attention. Nothing vicious or violent in the feel of it, just nuisancy. And I think there was a comic book store in teh same strip mall so Flavio had gone there. He was in his black gentlemanly Steampunk outfit. The one we buried him in...I guess it was good to see him again but we didn't interact much. The location of these shops is a very specific place here in Austin, the 'creekside square' shopping center on Anderson. Of course, it doesn't have a witch shop or a comic book shop in real life. It used to have a pretty cool bead store called Nomadic Notions, and a really good mexican food place with custom stamped leather menus. It was pricey for a town full of texmex, but not nearly as pricey as the atmosphere would suggest it should be. now it's a jack alens kitchen, blecch.

Anyhooo....I stayed in bed until almost noon. Little dog snuggled with me but brother A. took the two bigger dogs out for a walk. I did get out of bed to pee and feed dogs and start laundry but then I went and laid around some more. feeling very depressed and unpeopley and unmotivated.

I came out to put things in the dryer and go ahead and wash,d ress, and do humany things today. Housemate Sam was in her chair in the living room, brother A. was on the couch checking his phone. I said something about how I have to get up and get going and she said "no you don't, you can just stay in your pajamas all day' (like she does) .....I wanted to say something rude and tacky but I did not. I just said "no, I can't let depression win!" and went on about my business.

But, seriously, how the fuck does she think things stay even vaguely cleanish and orderlyish around here? Thax works, he's allowed to come home and flop out and be lazy and dirty all weekend. I am really the only person in this house who plans, shops for, and makes meals. If the toilet gets scrubbed, it's me doing that, if the sink or tub get clean at all, that's me. If there's dusting or vacuuming or dishes or laundry (Ok, Sam does her own laundry and so does A.) it's ME doing it. we don't have fucking house elves. I was stunned and offended by her comment. No, I dont suppose I 'have to' wash and dress and get the fu ck out of bed every day and do something to try and stem the tide of filth and chaos in my home, but I also know I'd just be even more depressed and miserable if I didn't do those things. The dirt and dog stink and clutter don't help my mental health. And I know her room stinks from out in the hall, so I'm betting the cat boxex and clutter in her own space aren't helping her state of mind any, either. But if she wants to stay in PJS all day every day and stay in bed for most of the time and only shower every 4 or 5 days, that's her business. It's not how I care to live and she benefits from the work I do, even if she doesn't notice or acknowlege it. I don't keep my h ouse spotless and stink free by any means but I do try and do something every day But it occurred to me today that I need to probably spend one day a week out of the house, doing *something* that is not cooking, cleaning, job hunting, or rattling around in my house. But also not spending money. So....maybe long walks at a park or greenbelt with the dogs, or something. while the weather isn't trying to kill us.

I am fucking depressed. I understand at this moment why my ex kept talking bout burning the house down and starting over. I understand his feelings. I am not going to do anything drastic or crazy. Someday I'll be sad that I didn't use all of this free time in a better way.

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Fri, 09 Jan 2026 21:38:27 GMT

bombed another job interview, just heard back today that I didn't get the job I interviewed for earlier this week. I knew I was fucking up as I was sitting there fucking it up...which probably made it worse. Just...babbling. Irrelevant stupid panic bla bla. God I hate me . So so much. why can't I just stfu and fucking die.

Oh well. Onward.

Put in for another job at a place I've had two interviews but no job offer as of yet. Maybe 3rd time is a charm! LOL.

Or I might finally just be at a point where the ageism is not able to be overcome, along with sexism and fatphobia, and I'm not employable anymore.

We'll see.

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More body insanity

Thu, 11 Dec 2025 17:04:22 GMT

saw part of an interview with Erika Kirk. The interviewer (Katie Miller? Idunno?) asked why she wasn't ever seen in public during her pregnancy(ies?)

My answer: because Erika Kirk had a surrogate and wasn't ever pregnant herself (Not that there's anything wrong with that, seems a lot of celebrities are doing that these days. I think it's creepy to pay someone to have your babies unless there's a medical situation, but whatev.)

Anyway, Erika goes on this thing about how she was eating burgers and fries and milk shakes and desserts and got up to 190 lbs! (gasp! shock! Horror!) so I guess she didn't want to be seen when she was so heavy....

and up until that exact moment, it had never occurred to me that there are women (many women? most women? I dunno.) out there who are actually hungry, starving, ALL THE TIME. So that they can stay thin and perform 'pretty' for everyone. Like, never feeling OK to have enough food, or have ice cream. UNLESS they are pregnant. The only time it's OK for them to eat enough and have sweets and snacks is when they're pregnant.

It had never occurred to me that maybe that's one of the reasons why some women want to be or like to be pregnant.

I guess that's weird to think about. Maybe it's not true. I dunno. As much as I dont' really like looking in the mirror It's never occurred to me to be THAT self hating.

but, yeah, Erika Kirk totally paid some poor woman to carry her fetuses.

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Tue, 21 Oct 2025 18:36:51 GMT

playlist that my sister made for the memorial service

photos from the weekend

I duplicated my sister's playlist in youtube
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WuNzvicI9k0&list=PLoIaHIiRqo0lmqtY40eG1Tvf-_WYlEVsW

"Everyone wants to have a village, no one wants to be a village"...everyone wants a revolution, no one wants to put their own ass on the line. Everyone hopes the next generation will be the generation that fixes the previous generation's mistakes. The shit is rolling downhill and it's gonna land on someone, sometime, but hopefully not me. This game of musical chairs is gettin super bad and super weird. What is it going to take? What is finally going to break us? What is finally going to make us wake up? Education has failed us, we dont' know history in a way that makes us knowlegable on how to proceed in these times, we have electronics and entertainment and surveillance and censorship, we don't have communication and connection and community. We don't have the knowledge or the means to organize effectively and accomplish things, and future generations sure as fuck do not/will not. I don't have a lot of hope. I feel pretty alone and done.

This past weekend was a memorial service for my mom and scattering ashes for my mom and stepdad at Enchanted Rock.

My stepbrother Sineater showed up, and my foster brother Ricky and his partner and cousin (I think the cousin drove?) showed up. It was good to see everyone. My sister H. picked a weird and cool place for us to stay, Trois Estate. about a mile from E. Rock. The state park was crowded except for when we went at dawn to scatter ashes with just the siblings. Brother A. wanted a sunrise 'ritual' of some sort, and Sineater had to get back to his weekend duties with his wife's 'successful equine business' so, that was just us. Later on, the rest of the family went back to the rock and did more scattering. Then gave brother A. the rest of the ashes to take up to top and scatter among the elevated areas where we used to go and run around and explore on our family's campouts. There was water in some of the low lying areas of the park; that seemed unusual. I don;'t think it's rained in a long time.

I don't camp or climb so well anymore, but i did OK during the shorter hikes we did. I definitely need to get into better shape and lose some weight. But some of this stuff may just be 'the way it is' now, arthritis/pain in L. knee, L. ankle, R. ankle. I am as always hesitant to seek medical attention because if all they have to say to me is 'stop being fat' ...I can tell that to myself at home for free. I don't need that. I'm just so fucking tired of all of it.

Trois estate was a lot of steps and uneven ground and what appeared to be blatant safety issues --unit steps, lack of safety railings on upper levels of things, really odd electrical outlets, lack of hot water in showers, drains were deep holes in the concrete shower enclosures so a wrong step while showering would have been a crippling injury... It was 'quaint' and 'fun' and 'wierd'. .. mom would have loved it. It was aesthetically interesting but I probably will never stay there again. Bed was comfortable, and the AC in the room worked pretty well. Swimming pool was very cold. The one underground in the 'grotto' was warmer So that was nice.

still unemployed. getting to the bottom of my checking/savings. inheritance should be coming in around April 2026 if I can somehow keep things going that long. OR, ya know, get a fucking job.

That would be cool.

Housemate Sam looked after the dogs, kept them fed. 3 of the 4 water sources were empty an probably had been all weekend, but the gravity fed water bottle/bowl combo had water, so if the dogs couldn't drink from the 'favorite' bowl at least they did have water. She is too small and frail and the dogs are too badly behaved for them to get walks while we were gone. I walked them this morning and they pulled on me and misbehaved some but we got through it.

I don't really know what else to write about.

facebook isn't letting me use my phone to make photo albums or upload more than 1 photo anymore, don't knwo what's up with that. Google photos on my desktop is also acting shitty.

I hear/read that Amazon Web Services had a massive outage yesterday. Maybe the internet is just breaking down, or being hacked, or having problems due to increased back end surveillance measures being installed...who knows.

el stinko continues to destroy the country, literally and figuratively. the East Wing is being demolished by Executive Order. No planning, no oversite, no normal process at all. The same people who screamed and cried when Michelle Obama put in a veggie garden are silent as the White House is literally being knocked down.

anyway. Spending real time with real people this weekend made me realize I need to just stop with the negativity and politics on facebook and such. it's not doing anyone any good. stfu and just die already, self. just die. please please please. I just want to be done.

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insomnia sucks

Thu, 02 Oct 2025 07:17:24 GMT

My brain will not slow down. My brain will not stop being mean to me. If I could hate and abuse myself into being a better person, I would have been perfect long ago. and yet my brain will still not stop. Even as I use the same abusive brain to tell myself it's pointless and unhelpful to be so fucking mean to myself all the time. So frustrating. just turn off. Let me get away from you for a few goddamned hours, you mean thing.

I am far too aware of current events and those echoes from past history that seem apparent. I can't understand anyone who still thinks this presidency is doing anything good for anyone.

Housemate Sam had been having anxious stuff because her car's 'check engine' light came on. She asked who my mechanic is, but I take my car to a specialty mechanic that only works on european cars, and she's got a Toyota. So I helped her find a mechanic and get that taken care of today. Car should be fixed and ready tomorrow. Hoping a newly repaired and trustworthy vehicle will give her a better sense of freedom and self sufficiency for whatever next steps in her life may be.

I have been trying to have a daily routine, with a focus on cleaning one particular room of the house each day - monday is plan menu and grocery, tuesday is kitchen and dining room, etc. trying to get up at the same time daily, have the dogs in a good walking and feeding routine, be consistent in job hunting,etc. I was getting to the pool pretty regularly but haven't been good about that since the pool near the house closed. driving back and forth to the next closest one is kind of annoying. But i have to do something....i gotta climb a stupid rock in 3 weeks and I don't' want to die of a heart attack or wuss out halfway there because I'm not physically capable of it. argh. (puts me in mind of a line from a Nick Cave song:

There comes a time  when you just  cannot deliver
This is a fact. This is a stone cold truth.

Took my cousin B's dog back over to my aunt and uncle's house, we had been dogsitting while he's out of town and he was due back in late tonight, so my aunt figured it'd be nice for him to have his dog to come home to....

job hunt continues. Had an interview yesterday, it was short and strange. No possibility of permanent, no particular duration, work from home after 6-8 weeks of training, but they don't issue you equipment, you have to use your own. WTF. I don't think I'll take it if it's offered.

kept seeing these poems on facebook. They were relatable, so I bought the book (well, kindle version anyway)

Mom's memorial service is coming up, and then we scatter her and stepdad's ashes from the top of Enchanted Rock. I wasn't feeling much about that but now I am getting into grieving the parenting I didn't get. Not her as a person, per se, just the whole fuckin thing. I'm glad I didn't have kids. One of her poems says something about breaking cycles, even when it breaks you. And yep...broken is about how I feel. And what the fuck is the point of any of that. I don't think I'll have anything much to say at mom's memorial service, but maybe I'll have them play this Sinead O'Connor song.

It's weird having thoughts and feelings and wondering if this is just something that everyone feels when they get to this age, or is it my particular circumstances, or is it just current events and the world that make me feel this way.

As with the 10 thousand year Babylonian clay tablets about 'kids these days' and their weird music and slovenly habits and disrespect for elders, I suspect my condition is the human condition and as with those ancient folks, my troubles will be over soon enough and I'll be dead and damned and dust with the Babylonians so it's really hardly worth mentioning or thinking about or doing anything about. Time will solve it all, eventually, one way or another. No urgency for the grave, I'll be getting there at some point.

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Sat, 06 Sep 2025 04:22:41 GMT

My sister H called me day before yesterday about trying to get the inheritance settled; apparently Mom and Stepdad G not only made H. their Executor and medical, financial, and legal power of attorney, they also made her the sole heir with the understanding or instructions that she'd be in charge of dividing up whatever was left after they were both gone. She's talked with the trust that is holding the bulk of the money, Mom and G's lawyers, tax people, and her husband who is a financial advisor...and it looks like the way it is set up its' going to take a huge chunk in taxes. So to offset that she wanted to put it into a 6 month CD to gather some interest and then disburse it, so April-ish? I told her thats' fine and I trust her and I want her to do whatever is best for her own finances, first, because she's taken up such responsibility and it really is her call how to handle it. She doesn't even want to give herself a stipend as the executor, which is really normal and I feel totally fair since she's done and is doing so much work to take care of Mom and G and their stuff and everything.

I'm worried about getting together enough $ for annual property taxes in January. I've had a couple of interviews. The most recent one, I wont' be hearing one way or the other until late this month, so that's not going to be a lot of time to scrape together 6 or 7 grand for end of January. Thax says not to worry, he's going to be able to take care of it. But he's already taken on pretty much everything but the weekly groceries for dinner and I am feeling like an absolute burden. He insists I'm not. But everything is getting more and more expensive and I do worry.

I reread part of my journal from 2016 when El Stinko Pendejo The Clown won the 2016 election. I took a cruise to be out of the country on inauguration day, I had a bad feeling about it. Turns out my bad feeling was right, just too early.

Looking at Belize real estate listings. Found one in Toledo that I really really like. over 21 acres, lots of fruit and cacao trees, and a creek with swimming holes and stairs already built down to the water. The house itself is a 'palapa' but has electricity and starlink satellite for internet. $160,000.

I really need to get off my ass and get my 'QRP' [qualified retired person] status squared away--you have to be 45 or older and have proof of a minimum monthly income so that you won't be trying to take away any Belizean jobs. You can start a business in Belize as a QRP person, though. And once you have your QRP, you can import all your stuff & your car duty-free. 160K is high.

I guess I'm getting some lotto tickets tomorrow, lol.

Anyhoo...life is oK. I'm actually tired. I have some hives that keep coming back every morning on my left inner elbow, where it bends. I don't know if I'm getting sweaty in the night and getting a heat rash (I kind of sleep with my arms curled up) or if it's a reaction to the Lithium Orotate that I started taking. I took it two nights in a row and had the rash, so I am quitting and hopefully it will go away. No other symptoms as far as I can tell.

I also remembered that I have been forgetting to take Tesofensine (triple reuptake inhibitor) for ....well, probably since I went to CO in late april to help Sam pack and move back to TX. So...hey, maybe take that thing that keeps me from being so terribly depressed and crazy and has a nice side effect of curbing my appetite and helping me not overeat and not snack endlessly? yeah.....maybe get back on that.

I had a job interview via Microsoft Teams this week; it went OK but not super great. I dont' think I'm going to get it, but they said they would be interviewing for a couple more weeks so I won't know until almost end of sept. unemployment is going up and the job market is shrinking. I've put in for a few more things this week, feeding that pipeline as Thax calls it. sigh. Feeling pretty worthless and useless and like a burden. It sucks. I have paranoia that Thax wants to divorce. I would be sad but I would understand; I'm not very good to be around right now with my head up my ass and all. He isn't getting his needs met. I am so fucked in the head that I can't even identify whether or not I even have any needs. Or wants. Or anything. Come on Giant Asteroid!!! (also can I say I hate that I am apparently turning in to my mom? My l knee and r ankle hurt almost constantly and I have started walking like I remember her walking,, kind of a stiff weeble wobble waddle, I'm negative and miserable and self involved and all I want to do is be dead. How fucking tedious. shut up. get a fucking job. do something productive with your time. clean house. just something. Pack for Belize. goddamn.)

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Sat, 26 Jul 2025 20:25:06 GMT

feeling like crap the last few days; congested, wake up with a sore throat (probably from breathing with my mouth open all night due to congestion), headache, cough, stuffy ears, swollen lymph glands under my ears and neck... I took an old expired covid test a few days ago and it was negative. I've ordered a couple more to be delivered tomorrow morning. Just in case. I still have my sense of smell but I heard or read that the latest covid variant doesn't have the loss of smell as one of the symptoms. And it's a lot more contagious than previous versions....which means that if it was covid I'm sure others in the house would have it.?

I dunno.

Anyway, I feel like shit. Haven't done much today other than drink coffee, and feed and walk dogs. Thax made banana bread and also made the coffee. Both good.

I am also sad and angry with myself for (once again, as usual) allowing fear to delay my helpful impulses until it was too late.

There was a little skunk stuck in an open pipe along our walking route. For a couple of days, the dogs kept getting excited about the hole in the ground but I pulled them away. Finally last night I looked in and saw a small skunk. I planned out my strategy and went to the hole today armed with gloves, wearing a swim mask and a trash bag with a head-hole cut out. But the skunk was dead. I should have gone back last night after taking the dogs home ... I didn't want to get bitten or sprayed so I delayed. And didn't even bother to look at what the dogs were keying in on for a few days before that. :(

I am sad. and my head hurts and my nose is itchy and uncomfortable inside. (dried out from medicine but still congested, somehow??? wtf.)

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Wed, 23 Jul 2025 21:48:50 GMT

job hunt continues.

I had an online questionnaire and prerecorded interview for a position with an insurance company near the house, I got that done yesterday. I loathed recording myself. And there was no way to blur the background.

If/when I get a rejection note, I'll be sure to bring up my concerns re: privacy & ask what their storage, retention, and disposal policies are regarding the video interviews they obtain, and let them know that I'm not comfortable with the idea of them keeping or using my material for any reason, especially not for 'training' AI.

if/when I get an in person interview, I will raise the same concerns. perhaps in a more conversational tone.

Seems to me that any company that is in the business of risk management (insurance) needs to think long and hard about things like that, and be more transparent when they are using those kinds of tools to screen applicants.

I am wondering if. in addition to the economy being weird because of El Stinko and his 'tariffs' and continued blundering with international relations, and in addition to all the weird scammers and likely resume-harvesters out there in job-hunt land, the fact that I'm over 50 is factoring in to this long period of unemployment.

I am slogging thru a 7 hr Excel Data Analysis video I found on Youtube. It is helping me. I need to start taking actual written notes in addition to just watching. The class material is in a zip file and winzip is $34/year subscription. Seems excessive for a single use of said zip, but that is the wave of the future--we won't own anything, we'll just be renting apps and software and everything else from a big company.

I went running around in the world today; tried to offload some 'witchy' books, I was hoping the local witch shop would have some kind of free libary/sit and read/lounge type area but I didn't see anything like that. Maybe the Vortex theatre will have something like that? I dunno. And I tried to offload some coloring books I haven't touched in years at the Kava shop, because I seem to remember going there with friends some years ago and coloring and drinking kava and having a nice time, so I was gonna get a kava and sneak my books in to their pile...but then I got there and the kava place is closed for remodeling. Their Oak Hill location is still open though. But I don't feel like making that kind of drive.

Honestly I should just throw those books and coloring books away, or donate them to Goodwill even though part of my brain is going "no, they're too wierd/witchy, no one will adopt them from Goodwill"....I need to lose my attachment to my 'stuff' and not care what happens to it after it leaves my home. It's not making me happy, it's not my responsibility to find it a home where it will be appreciated and loved, it's my job to make my home a place that isn't cluttered with things that dont' make me happy.

sigh. I have fucking brainworms when it comes to 'stuff' and 'clutter' and all that bullshit. throw it away. run away. die.

I just want to be done with everything.

comments

another one bites the dust.

Sat, 18 Jan 2025 17:11:06 GMT

Well,shit. Neil Gaiman is allegedly a rapist creeper.

I read the Vulture article and it was lurid and disturbing. A couple of things stood out, that his ex or soon to be ex wife brought home this impoverished, homeless, mentally ill young woman to be her babysitter and told Neil "dont' touch, not for you" and then later on as they had sex and whatnot, he allegedly said something along the lines of "i wish it was the good old days when Amanda and I could f-- you together,"....so, if true, this could be something that he and she did together with fans or vulnerable people, some kind of narcissistic sex game. Reeks of 'trafficking' in the same way as Ghislaine Maxwell making friends with young women at the country clubs she visited and then 'introducing' them to Jeffrey Epstein.

The events seem so....I mean, not 'boring' but so....unimaginative in their vileness. 50 shades of grey, derivative from some of his writing, I dunno.

I don't really know what to think. I mean, this is a superstar fantasy/dark fiction writer who has had young women literally begging him to be his sex slave at public events. At some point, the fame and unreality of this constant stream of young women begging to be 'debased' in fantasy by you has got to mess up your head and blur lines of consent and ideas of what women want from you... and also he may have had an abusive childhood being raised by high level true believer Scientologists who engaged in physical and psychological torture sessions as part of their 'spiritual practice.

so who the fuck knows. It would not surprise me if he behaved in a selfish and insensitive way sexually. hell, I've met guys who were like that who either didn't understand or didn't care about whether or not I got off...obviously not rapists, consent was there, they were just clueless and uncaring once they got into their own pleasure and if they finished and I didn't, well...that's life, ya know?

*if* these things happened in front of their child, it's gross. super gross. And apparently Palmer's only objection was that the child was in the room on his ipad and *not wearing headphones* while Gaiman had sex with the nanny.....fucking EW. That's appalling. And allegedly the child started calling the nanny 'slave' and being rude to her, modeling the behavior he saw with his father. That is very gross and nasty. But honestly I've seen rich kids being nasty to servants before in my life, and it's just because they are wealthy and their upbringing has taught them not to respect 'the help' as human beings. There's a story about Barron Trump throwing a fit on an airplane and treating staff badly, ffs. it's gross but it happens. Rich people do, apparently,suck. Many of them. Maybe not all.

This is all 'alleged' and coming from...unreliable... source. I don't know. Gaiman's writing is dark. I don't think you can write such things from a source that is untainted by personal pain or personal experience. What that experience is or was, I don't have any way to know.

Here's a good summary I read in reddit:

Two women. One about an alleged incident in 2005, one about an alleged incident in 2022.

Both accusations were made recently and allegedly occurred during consensual relationships. Both accusations shared a power dynamic imbalance.

The first involved a fan he met at a signing when she was 18 and he was in his early 40s. They entered a consensual relationship two years later. She alleged assault through pressure into having sex when she did not want to on a few occasions throughout the relationship

The second involved his babysitter with whom he shared a bath and made out, within a few hours of meeting her. She is in her early 20s and this occurred during pandemic lockdowns in New Zealand. The allegation is that he inserted his fingers inside her when she did not want it. They continued the relationship for three weeks. At some point a complaint was filed with New Zealand police but there is no known court case or criminal investigation currently impending.

The allegations were revealed via a podcast. The podcast is controversial in that it is run by Boris Johnson's sister and she has been feuding online with Gaiman because of his support for the trans community, which she firmly stands against.

As of now, the only source and record of the allegations comes from the podcast. The podcast also has shaky and limited sources/evidence. This has created controversy online because there is suspicion of political motivation.

Time will show if more women come forward and if their allegations match similar behaviour. Hopefully more information comes out.

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insomnia/anxiety

Sun, 12 Jan 2025 05:45:06 GMT

the final 5 weeks of my temp job are going to be an introvert's hell. I will be on zoom calls literally all day every day. I am really hoping that monday's 'quick connect' with the supervisor who just started in Dec will be something along the lines of 'we got all the info we need, y'all can piss off now,' Since the holiday break I do be feelin' like we are somebody's broken toys. Like they are going to take the work we did, make some spreadsheets and powerpoints about it and use it to sell their next idea for 'improvement' to the Powers That Be. As far as I know, the supervisor they hired hasn't extended any permanent full time offers to anyone on our team of contractors. (but if they had, maybe they are keeping it quiet)

Honestly, if we were just going by numbers, if there was a position to give, they should have offered it to me (or posted it and strongly encouraged me to apply, at least)....but the new boss gives a vibe that he doesn't care for me. Nothing specific, just....one can tell when a male person of authority is taking a dislike to one on the basis of ....whatever it is that is 'wrong' with me and makes me rub certain people the wrong way. (smart, old, fat, female, outspoken, honest, competent, don't suffer fools gladly, whatever it is. the thing that is wrong with me and I don't know what it is and not entirely sure I'd change it if I did know...)

I have learned a lot and gotten good at using the tools and databases, I have gotten the work done, I have stayed organized and on-task, I have been pleasant and professional to my teammates, I have developed a good working relationship with most of the high level high earner execs that I am expected to meet with repeatedly, I have been one of the approx. 1/3 of our team who have consistently been in-office on the mandatory 'in office' days 3 days a week, I have kept to the dress code, I have been reliable and punctual and what have you. But I still feel like I failed in some way to fit in and do....whatever it is.... (the non neurotypical, depressive, adhd, whatever it is that is wrong with me that makes me never, ever fit in or be normal and I have no idea what I'm doing wrong *thing*)

Anyway I am having a lot of anxiety about the upcoming nonstop calls, end of project, and whatever I am going to do next for $. And I hate that I am letting this worry ruin my weekend and keep me from getting to sleep.

On the plus side, I had enough socked away that I did manage to pay property tax on the house this month and buy myself an ebike and have enough saved so that I can take care of basic bills for a few months before I have to worry too hard about finding the next job. I wanted to also have enough saved up to get a 2nd opinion on Pepita's hips and get her surgery if the 2nd vet agrees. didn't get enough saved for that one. But two out of 3 financial goals during this contract? That's pretty good, I think.

One of my fellow contractors was taking a data analyst bootcamp course and has had several recruiters reach out to her and at least one interview that I know of--Big Fruit Company, for something like $56/hr. She is super positive and helpful and kind. Two more of our group have started taking the same course because she talked it up so much. I may go ahead and sign up, it's 10 weeks and a couple thousand dollars but may yield the ability to work remotely and make good money.... that would be a hell of a thing. Internet,VPN, and life in Belize could be a real thing. I'd still have to convince the husband to move, but with the ability to earn from wherever i am, and the cost of living in Belize being much lower, all of that could be persuasive.

anyhoo....let's get thru the next 5 weeks and see how it goes.

visited Mom today; told her about the dream I had last night about her and my stepdad Greg taking me to the airport after rescuing my sister's dog....and she smiled when I told her how Greg had everything squared away and taken care of for getting the dog on the plane, in a kennel and with the right papers... I said "I miss him" and she said "I miss him too," and a little later in the visit my brother A. and I were chatting about the afterlife or the next world, some term like that, and Mom said she'd been dreaming about the next world (she rarely gets out a whole sentence these days, so that was big) and I asked if it scared her and she got the most huge and happy smile on her face and said "No. It's wonderful," I hope she can make that step soon. not because I'm hateful or selfish but because she is suffering and I know she's wanted to go for a long time now.

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Thoughts - political

Fri, 08 Nov 2024 19:47:13 GMT

Best hopes, sadly:

1) he is old, unhealthy, stupid, and lazy. He will want to play golf and have events where he is surrounded by cheering crowds. He does not want to do any work. He just wants praise, money, and attention. He just wants to indulge all of his vile habits, whatever they may be, without limit or censure. (Think Jabba the Hutt on his party barge. I mean, yeah some people die for his amusement but it's not an organized systematic thing. Just the passing whims of a cruel and stupid creature.) Narcissist abusers do not understand or respect limits of any kind, his habits will advance the pace of natural age and he may not have 4 years left in him.

2) he is surrounded by incompetent, greedy assholes who will be backstabbing each other to try and get on top of the dog pile and get him to rubber stamp THEIR version of fascism. He enjoys pitting his underlings against each other and creating drama. Hopefully with enough infighting, little will be actually done. Lots of backstabbing, lots of 'trusted advisors' failing purity tests and being ousted, lots of chaos. Maybe not as much chaos as first term--he has Project 2025 opportunists backing him this time and they may be able to enforce some discipline.. Hope not, because that means more people dying sooner, BUT. it's possible.

3) his successor/VP is a creepy, awkward wierdo. He does not have the charisma or crowd pull that El Stinko Naranja Pendejo does. He may be a more disciplined fanatic christofascist, but he doesn't have the personal qualities to hold the regime together. And I can't think of any other right wing crazy who has the kind of celebrity power/charisma/draw that El Stinko does, so he's got no successor.

I'm not saying it's not going to be bad, but the faster we can run this evil bullshit thru the "kristallnacht to self-offing in a bunker" chain of events the better for the rest of humanity.

The 4th reich lasted 12 years. The American civil war lasted 4.

OTOH, you have Putin's kleptocrat oligarchy holding steady since 1999 and Iran's theocracy has been in power since 1979.

It's sad that America's fascist phase will probably only be curbed by the infighting between the Oligarchs and the Theocrats disagreeing on who to persecute first and worst and how to run the concentration camps/prison work farms.

The religious fanatics want everyone not like them DEAD, period, the end. These are the people pushing for End of Days and Jesus to come back and take them to Heaven. They are happy to burn it all down. See: Dominionist. also: Emmanetize the Eschaton.

The Oligarch/Billionaires know they need slaves to pick the crops and fix the machines and create more wealth for themselves. They might not want to end the world as badly or as soon as the religious wackos do. Or, let me say, ending the world is not their end goal, but they don't really care as long as they're rich and own everything.

Here in TX, I remember the 'bidness Republicans' used to run things. It was dishonest and crappy--good ol boy network, open bribery, etc. but some of the worst right-wing impulses could be curbed by the possibility that the state would lose business and lose money if they caved to the worst of the hard right christian extremist bullshit.

BUT I think the last 'bidness' governor in TX was Rick Perry and the last sane TX Speaker was Joe Straus and we've gone downhill towards the Bible-and-wife beaters since then. They don't care if persecuting people will lose them the Big Sports Ball Event or Big Tech Headquarters or Big Manufacturing Plant. So...TX is slowly failing as a 'bidness' state and I think that is a good indicator of the way Amerikkka will go as well, if the religious wing of the party gains the most influence over El Stinko.

It is sad and scary that the honest only best hope I have in this moment is that the bad guys will eat each other alive before they can hurt the rest of us too much. But I trust there will be plenty of suffering and death to go round before it's all done.

But, hey. Don't cry at home, cry at work and get paid to cry!

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Well....fuck.

Wed, 06 Nov 2024 14:55:52 GMT

2024 election is in the bag.

Here in TX, we are stuck with Rafael "Turd" Cruz for another term; I still believe with all my heart that Rolando Pablos, the Sec of State at the time, fixed the 2018 race for him, or else Beto would have won. That sorry ass cockroach left office shortly after the 2018 elections and now he's running for mayor of San Antonio.

And Donald Fucking Trump is our next president. Goddamn it so much. How the FUCK people watched that shambling, shitting, mumbling, ranting, hateful, stupid racist fuckhead wander weakly all over America, not knowing where he was, simulating oral sex on an invisible microphone and thought "now there's a leader!"--I mean, WHAT THE FUCK. Oh, and did I mention? He's a convicted rapist, a convicted felon, and there are credible allegations he's also a pedophile. What a shitshow.

Goddamn it people.

See ya in the camps, I guess.

It is too much to hope that he'll croak before next year; both his parents, despite looking like The Living Dead, his mom was 88 and his dad was a demented 93 when he finally passed....

Rubber meets the road, I really can't see myself going to Belize without my husband or family.. so here I am. As a white middle aged infertile woman in a heterosexual marriage, I probably will survive :/ I kinda don't want to. I feel pretty fucking done.

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Sat, 12 Oct 2024 14:14:04 GMT

"People think that sadness is crying, the breakdown, the absolute agony of the heart. But sadness is quieter than that. It's the slow sinking feeling, the hollow ache in your chest, the dull numbness that settles over you like a thick fog. It’s going to bed at night and hoping you don’t wake up, or waking up and wishing you hadn’t. It's the realization that no matter how much you want things to change, some things are forever broken, and no amount of time will ever make them whole again."

– Beau Taplin

It's the weekend. Sleeping in, visiting mom, red light, some dog walking, and trying to make headway on emptying the tent room for a flooring project....

I am trying to stay busy and do good things....but I am sad and mad and mean all the time. I really don't like myself much and I don't think I am doing or being anything worthwhile.

everything is kind of a holding pattern. no future plans or hopes or dreams or anything. waiting to die. it's taking too fucking long. wishing I could get my declutter going so that the people who have to clean up after I'm gone won't have such a miserable job of it

the only thing I do 'for me' is red light, and most weekends I don't go.

and I feel bad and stupid and selfish for thinking that I want to or 'should' do more for just me....and I don't even know what I could or should do for myself that would feel nice instead of like a waste of time and money that I could or should be using for something else.

darkness.

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Couch Rot Day

Thu, 08 Aug 2024 22:16:38 GMT

Had a fussy morning with the husband; he needed something from the medicine cabinet and couldnt' find it and fussed at me about it. I guess my brother borrowed it and didn't replace it? I don't know. It had been just sitting up there for years and as far as I know never used, so if my brother needed it and I gave it to him....*shrug* So I went to the store today and bought 3 more , they can sit in the cabinet for the next 10 years not being used. Fuck it.

We had 'potato bar' for supper last night. Baked potatoes in instant pot and then bacon bits, sour cream, butter, chives, cheesy broccoli,etc. out on the table to put on them as each person wants. Thax cut his potato in half and I thought he was going to save the other half fo later. When I was puttering around in the kitchen this morning, the half potato was still out on the counter and I said something about 'if you want stuff to be good for later, you have to put it in the fridge,: turns out he wasn't saving it for later, he didn't like it the first time and hasn't ever really liked potato bar night.

So, he doesn't like steak, he doesn't like potatoes. Ok. He grew up in a shitty family where kids have to clean their plates and eat what their given and not complain...so that's basically what he does now. Doesn't that sound joyous? Come home and joylessly munch down on whatever horrible swill your insane shrew of a wife slops out for you? wow. Such a great life. Exactly the sort of married bliss I aspire to provide for my loved one.

I haven't been working since end of March. My only utiiity to this family as of now is to cook and clean. And since half the shit I cook is stuff he just suffers through and stuffs down, I'm not doing a very good job of that, am I?

I come from a family where we were poor as shit and you don't waste food. And also food is love. And my smart brain knows that is some fucking toxic crazy ass bullshit but it's hard to tell my crazy self anything once I'm off and running....

So all of this is very triggering and upsetting for me. The smart and sane part of my brain knows that no one is attacking or rejecting me when they don't eat what I cook or don't like what I cook. and the part of me that is not crazy understands that we are not starving and poor and we can throw away food we don't want or dont like and it's not a terrible thing.

But I did not handle it very well this morning, at all. and I'm not sure what to do. I'm about to start working again. My time to shop and prepare food is going to become more limited. I'm already out of fucking ideas for shit to cook every goddamn motherfucking night Monday through Friday. My brother says fish and pork make him sick, so I don't cook any. Fine. Seems Like there should still be lots of things I could make that people would actually like and enjoy, not just stuff down because it's expected.

And I don't want to be the crazy scary person who forces people to eat, or eat more than they want, when they don't like the food or I made too large of portions or whatever the everliving fuck.

I really wish I could just quit. Everything. I am not doing very well.

today has been a 'rot on the couch and watch TV with the dogs' day.

I am confronted with Don MIguel Ruiz First Agreement: Be Impeccable With Your Word.

I have been angry and sad that my mom no longer has capacity for reading, writing, physical activity, conversation, etc. I have been angry and sad that G/Dad isn't here to be with her, but he left her financially cared for such that if she WAS able to go and do things, she could pretty much do anything she wants...I have been angry and sad that all she seems to want to do or be able to do is stay in bed and watch TV.

And here I am.... doing nothing. staying home and watching TV. Definitely not building my own mental or physical strength in preparation for my own older age.

I do find that most of the qualities or habits I find disappointing, frustrating, and angry-making in others are qualities and habits of myself that I find distasteful.

ain't that a pickle.

I never, ever ever want to be my mom. And I didn't want to be her when she was 100% either. But in all ways I am certainly headed that way, it seems. :(

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new job became a reality

Tue, 06 Aug 2024 20:08:21 GMT

So I start the new temp assignment 8/12 8am onsite. Then the rest of our training will be onsite starting 9am. I don't hate that. Will still have time in the mornings to walk dogs with Thax.

I have jury duty 8/13. I will have to figure something out. bleh.

I like this ebike. I'm just window-shopping right now. Good ones are expensive but otoh I may not ride it enough to make it worth the money. One would like to think "oh, hey I spent a couple grand on this thing, and it will be healthy for me to use it frequently," .....but I am full of self defeating lazy ass bullshit so it's hard to think that I'll really use it. We rented bikes when we cruised and stopped in Key West, it was super fun. I can see myself doing shit like that on vacation or in Belize. I really need to be the person I am on vacation --lots of walking, biking, adventures. Not this wilted husk of a bitter bleh that I am here.

anyhoo...

new job starting. I went shopping to 'celebrate'...oh, look, problematic self sabotaging reckless stupid behavior! whee. I'd love to exist in a headspace where spending money on frivolous things isn't a horrible toxic cycle. Like eating, there's an amount that one has to do in order to continue to exist in some healthy embodied sort of fashion. You can't just quit the bad habit of eating and keep being alive. There are some things you have to buy - groceries, for example, see 'eating'..... but it's just too fraught and too fucking easy to 'add to cart' things that are temporary feel- good but overall foolish choices. perfume, make up, shoes.....just dumb stuff.

anyhoo....

new job starting.

need to get my death shit signed, witnessed, and notarized.

bleh bleh bleh.

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Home from Indiana

Wed, 24 Jul 2024 18:57:11 GMT

I flew up on Thursday 18th with my aunt L. We stayed with my sister H & her family in Bloomington Thursday night and Friday night. Friday we drove to Cincinnati OH and picked up a 26' RV and stopped at a place called Jungle Jim's. It was CRAZY. They gave you a map as you walked in. And you needed it. It was too big, my brain just kinda shut down. They had literally everything. Including ground camel meat and 27 kinds of butter from about 5 different countries. And I think maybe the worlds largest cheese? My brother in law and niece came with us to pick up the RV and then BIL & Niece followed us back in the car while H drove the RV and my aunt L. rode.

We picked up my mom Saturday morning from her piss smelling old folks warehouse in Greencastle, IN. We packed up her room and wheeled her on outta there. She had been practicing in Phsical Therapy for Stairs so we got her up into the RV without too much trouble. She slept in the queen size bed at the back of the RV for most of the trip. H. wanted her to sit up in the seats and look out the window and engage with the trip but mom just doesn't have that capability anymore. I had been thinking Aunt L. would be chatting with her and keeping her company but that didn't really happen. I think aunt L was bored and uncomfortable most of the trip.

We got used to driving the monster mobile pretty quick, and it had a good sized engine so it got along pretty well on the highway. Driving itself was easy and comfortable. There was a LOT of road noise, driver and passenger could barely hear each other, couldn't hear anything goin on in the living area of the RV at all. Neice mostly stayed in the bed area above the driver/passenger area, and aunt L mostly stayed at the table, but occasionally would sit in the seat behind the passenger seat and try to talk to us. It was just too loud for much conversation. The radio seemed to only have speakers in the cab and none in the back so we weren't able to play mom's music for her or anything like that.

Our first stop was supposed to be at Lake Catherine state park in Hot Springs, AR, but we had made a late start so by the time we were getting close, it was getting dark. H. and aunt L. talked it over while I was driving and decided to stay overnight at a Mariott in Little Rock instead. There was a lot of construction and I drove in the dark which I don't do in regular life much anymore --between the astigmatism and the growing cataract it just doesn't feel safe...but it had to be done and I did it, and we didn't wreck or die. I even did a decent job parking in their parking lot. I had looked up Lake Catherine SP online earlier in the trip and I had been looking forward to it. It's about at the halfway point between IN and TX family and has horseback riding you can reserve so maybe we'll plan a family meetup/ vacay sometime.

Next morning, we had breakfast in the hotel and got on the road. No stops except for gas. Got to Cedar Breaks around 5pm, got our hookups done in good daylight, no problems. Ate sandwiches and fruit and whatever was in the RV fridge for dinner. Did a little walking around. It's a pretty park. If I liked camping and/or had an RV I'd go out there and camp regularly. Apparently there's a big walking trail too, but we didn't go. We saw deer and lots of birds, a few fish in the water. It was green but clear near the fishing pier.

Monday, Thax and my brother A drove up to the park and met us at our campsite. They brought Taco Cabana and we had a picnic lunch. Then H and aunt L and brother A. took the RV with mom's stuff in it to the care home and Thax and I and mom and our niece went to Pecan Creek Ranch for 'horse therapy' or something. (My sister H. h ad set it up in advance) our appointment was at 2 and I had been worried that it would be too hot but it's been rainy and cool in TX for the last week or so, so it was fine. We got there, mom petted the horse for a few minutes, and then she wanted to leave, so we put her back in the car and stopped at Whataburger. I was pretty disappointed with the 'horse therapy'...we had an appointment, they should have been expecting u s, but they acted like our presence was a surprise and an imposition. They informed us that m ost of the horses were up the hill under the trees, or something like that, and there was only one who had been in a stall, they only let her head out of the stall for mom to pet at first and we had to request that she be let out the rest of the way. They just didnt' seem to know what they were doing at all. Had no prepared 'patter' about how their program, or how to behave around horses, how to pet them, where to pet them, nothing. It was super bizarre. Hard to believe they are a professional organization that does horse therapy for disabled people. Oh, and no wheelchair accessibility to the barn, mom had to get out and stand on gravel and then we had to manhandle her wheelchair thru the gravel into the barn. She would not have been able to manouver her walker at all. It was bullshit. Fucking horse people. Bullshitters one and all. What a scam.

Anyway, Whataburger was good. Mom had bacon and cheese whataburger and a latte shake, finished the whole burger and most of the shake, and then we drove to her new place. It rained on us on and off through all of this.

We kept mom company in the living room of the home while Holly and the others unpacked her stuff and got it squared away in the room. At one point some 'head nurse' came over and started asking questions. she asked mom if she knew her name and birthday. I've learned that you have to ask mom one question at a time. Mom just repeated 'birthday' and seemed distressed. Then the nurse was asking me questions about mom's meds and her physical condition and I kept referring her to Holly because I have been in TX this whole time and I have no idea, and the nurse seemed really irritated with me...I don't know if she ever went to talk to Holly or not. seems like the new care team could h ave or should have been in contact with the previous doctors and hopsice workers if they really wanted good information. I didn't want to give her bad information so I didnt' want to answer her questions and she acted like I was stonewalling her... I didnt' think much of her.

Anyway....H. sent me and Thax home to rest and relax (because I was annoying her and being unhelpful, I"m sure, and also because there were just too many people in the room) and she, brother A, aunt L and u ncle B continued to work on the room.

We (Me, sister H, brother A, Thax, Niece) went to fancy supper Wednesday night at perry's steak house in the domain. Loud and crowded, hot and over priced. It wasn't terrible, many of the things were quite good (yes the famous pork chop lives up to the hype) but honestly I have gotten a bit spoiled by cooking at home since the pandemic and I am a damned good cook. And my neice was somewhat mortified by our sharing tastes with each other and stuff. I mean, she's 15. Everything your parents do (especially your mom) at that age is absolutely mortifying and excruciating.

H. left for home yesterday. Niece will be here til Sunday. We are going out for dinner tonight with everyone to Arpeggio, one of our favorite places. Not sure what we are doing tomorrow.

I needed my sister's signature on some of my death prep paperwork but couldn't make it happen, I guess i"ll have to mail it to her and have her sign and notarize her signature and then do the rest of the wittnesses and signatures and notarizing here.

H. worked so hard to plan and make everything happen and it all went very smoothly. I didn't want to add to her tasks by trying to set up a date/time "in stone" before we got here and got mom settled and everything. I wanted to let her have some breathing room and time to relax and decompress. But of course that means I didn't get my needs met. What the fuck else is new? codependent martyr resentment alert woop woop . ugggh I disgust myself. And I feel selfish and horrible because H worked so hard and I just did a little bit of driving and here I am making everyfucking thing about me and my stupid ass. gross. I really am an awful person.

Anyhoo. I had been going back and forth with a temp agency for a job I did an inperson interview for....they kept sending me either a blank employee aggreement or one that said my pay rate was $XX per diem and I kept replying with "I am looking for a per hour pay rate, not a per diem, please," and they just didnt' seem to ever get it. The final amount ended up being fifty cents less than the recruiter originally quoted me but they did get it squared away. Meanwhile I"m still putting in applications and resumes because I dont' particularly trust these people to actually get their shit together. No start date, which is fairly normal for temp agencies working with an employer to get a bunch of people started at teh same time, but the pay rate thing was ridiculous.

I have been very tired and having awful allergies since I've been back. yesterday I got up at 6 and walked dogs with Thax and then went back to bed. Today I just stayed in bed and told Thax I'd walk them when I got up. Thax was tired too so he went back to bed for a while too, got up at 7 instead of 6.

I am just so fucking done with this whole fucking thing. Giant Meteor, please.

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Project 2025 - The Advisory Board List

Sat, 13 Jul 2024 14:22:07 GMT

https://open.substack.com/pub/decodingfoxnews/p/project-2025-the-advisory-board-list?utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email

Project 2025 - The Advisory Board List

Full list with hyperlinks and additional information on each organization.

DECODING FOX NEWS

JUL 08, 2024

∙ PAID

107

This list is a direct copy and paste from the Advisory Board section from “Mandate for Leadership The Conservative Promise Project 2025.”. On the document the organizations in the advisory board are listed by alphabetical order with no additional information.

I’ve added hyperlinks to each organization’s website as well as some background information including any notable board members, founding members or staff - especially anyone who worked in the Trump administration.

I’ve also grouped the organizations by type.

Although this entire document is only available for paid subscribers I removed the paywall for the first section. I want as many people as possible to know about the most extremist groups aligned with Project 2025.

Thank you for your support.

The Project 2025 Advisory Board

The Heritage Foundation
- The Heritage Foundation’s mission is to formulate and promote public policies based on the principles of free enterprise, limited government, individual freedom, traditional American values, and a strong national defense. (from website)
- The organization is considered one of the most influential conservative think tanks in the world.
- Founded in 1973 originally to promote a pro-business agenda.
- Originally created as a conservative response to the Brookings Institution.
- “Mandate for Leadership” - Reagan Administration
  - Much like Project 2025 “Mandate for Leadership,” was meant as a blueprint for the newly elected Reagan Administration to help guide them on policy issues.
  - About 60% of the recommendations suggested in “Mandate for Leadership” were adopted by the Reagan Administration in its first year. Reagan loved it so much he had copies printed for all of his cabinet members.
  - The Heritage Foundation also had tremendous influence over helping the Reagan administration fill positions in his new administration. This is another similarity with “Project 2025” as one of its goals is to fill government positions with prescreened ideologically radical conservatives.
- “Index of Leading Cultural Indicators” written by William Bennett in 1994
  - This publication was the Heritage Foundation’s first major entry into the culture wars.
  - The Index tackled subjects such as crime, divorce, children born out of marriage, teenage suicides, and drug use along with other social indicators.
- “Index of Economic Freedom” - published in 1995
  - Wall Street Journal began partnership with Heritage as co-manager and co-editor of Index of Economic Freedom as an annual publication in 1997.
- Scandal in 2013 - Jackson Richwine - co-author of Heritage Foundation report on the costs of amnesty for migrants
  - Richwine was scrutinized for his Harvard University PhD thesis, authored four years prior, where he argued that Latino and Black people had lower I.Q.’s and were intellectually inferior to white people.
  - He’d also made comments at the American Enterprise Institute in 2008 that were similar to the conclusions he’d made in his doctoral thesis.
  - Richwine resigned due to the controversy.
- Trump’s candidacy - 2015
  - Originally the Heritage Foundation did not support Trump for president.
  - The organization only supported Trump after he won the nomination.
- Trump’s presidency - 2017
  - Just like as they had with Reagan and other Republican presidents the Heritage Foundation had great influence over helping the Trump administration fill various positions in his administration.
  - Some of the several hundred people who received jobs in the Trump administration who were included in a database the Heritage Foundation cultivated were:
    - Betsy DeVos, Mick Mulvaney, Rick Perry, Scott Pruitt, Jeff Sessions
- Post - Trump presidency
  - Several Trump Administration officials and staff member take positions at the Heritage Foundation.
    - Ken Cuccinelli, Mark Morgan, Chad Wolf (Cuccinelli and Wolf left in 2021)
    - Mike Pence also went to work for Heritage
  - Ukraine War
    - May 2022 the organization reversed its support for Ukraine
    - March 2023 - Heritage established a cooperative relationship with Danube Institute in Hungary.
- The Big Lie
  - The president of the Heritage Foundation has publicly said he doesn’t think Biden won the 2020 election.
  - The organization has promoted false claims of widespread voter fraud.
- Project 2025
  - A collection of proposals to radically change the executive branch of the U.S. government.
  - The organization is recruiting thousands of staffers for every branch of government.
  - Some of the policy proposals in Project 2025 include the following:
    - Boosting fossil fuels while slashing environmental regulations
    - Dismantling the Inflation Reduction Act
    - Shutting down the Department of Energy loan programs office
    - Taking partisan control of the DOJ, FBI and Dept. of Commerce, the FCC, and the FTC.
    - Dismantling the Dept. of Homeland Security and the Department of Education
    - The National Institute of Health (NIH) would be shaped by conservative principles.
    - Cut Medicaid and Medicare
    - Outlaw abortion
    - Eliminate coverage of emergency contraception under the ACA
    - Enforce the Comstock Act - this would criminalize the sending or receiving of abortion medication through the U.S. Mail.
    - Outlaw pornography
    - Infuse Christianity into the U.S. government
    - Remove legal protections against discrimination claims based on sexual orientation and gender identity.
    - Terminate DEI (diversity, equity and inclusion) programs as well as affirmative action.
    - Prosecute “anti-white” racism.
    - Enact draconian anti-immigration laws including mass deportations and detentions of undocumented immigrants.
    - Engage the Insurrection Act of 1807 which would allow the military to participate in domestic policing and assist in the capture of undocumented immigrants.
    - Increase the use of capital punishment
    - (This is just a partial list)

Organization led by former Trump Admin. officials who promote Christian Nationalism

Center for Renewing America
- Our mission is to renew a consensus of America as a nation under God with unique interests worthy of defending that flow from its people, institutions, and history, where individuals’ enjoyment of freedom is predicated on just laws and healthy communities. (from website)
- I honestly couldn’t tell what this organization did except hire former Trump staffers and cabinet members. It was formed in 2021.
- Founded by Russ Vought former Trump Admin. Director of the Office of Management and Budget
  - Staff members former Trump Admin. - Ken Cuccinelli, Adam Candeub, Rachel Cauley, Jeff Clark, Ashlea Frazier, Paige Hauser, Dan Kowalski, Micah Meadowcroft, Mark Paoletta, Kingsley Wilson
  - Steve Friend, staff member, FBI Whistleblower who claimed FBI manipulated evidence from Jan. 6th investigation.

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Mom's last road trip?

Thu, 06 Jun 2024 22:18:11 GMT

Looks like we've got some dates locked in near the end of July to bring mom to TX and set her up in a care home. I went to the ones my sister H sent me to visit in person, check the vibe, talk to the people, see how the residents are treated, see how clean they keep things, check for bad smells,etc. and sent her written email summaries of the ones I liked best and why, and the ones I didn't like and why,

I narrowed it down to 3, I thought we'd picked one, and then she came back a few days later and said she'd decided on #2 from my list. It's no skin off my nose, it's mom and g's money, and it wasn't one of the bad ones...it is definitely the least convenient of the 3 for my brother A to get to, but that's because TX is a state that panders to automobiles and even greenie hippie dipshitty Austin doesn't have a lot of good bike options for getting places safely if you really are using a bicycle to try and commute or travel across town. Some neighborhoods are ok, but getting across highways is terrifying and I think most of the people west of Mopac don't want any dirty bike people in their area.... but anyway, mom's housing situation is set up.

My only concern is that I'm worried they'll try to rook us into a spot at the location I didn't tour, which is newer and allegedly 'nicer' but has zero in the way of back yard trees/shade & landscaping, in comparison to the one I toured. I don't like the photos of that one and I don't want mom in that one.

Here are my notes from that visit, just for future reference:

Met with D [director], she was nice. Direct, positive, did not seem to be full of BS. Has only been there 7 weeks but most of the staff has been there for years.

No vacancies at this time.

Another home with 'even nicer' back yard is opening up soon (july ish) at Anderson Mill. Does not appear to have as much shade, trees but ground around home is flatter. Deposit would guarantee mom a spot 'first available' - either at this location or the Anderson Mill location which is just opening up and will have vacancies immediately.

House is clean and tidy, but not 'sterile/hotel' the way [other place] was. no keypad on door. 15 residents max. One room has attached half-bath, the rest of the rooms would use one of the other restrooms in the house. It's a good size house but the restrooms seem to be pretty well located so it wouldn't be a long walk to any of them. No signage on the doors to indicate which are restrooms, but there are name decorations on the residents doors. no 'shadow box' like they had at Mill Pond. There were party decorations up in the dining room. Folks in the TV room, folks in the dining room. A couple of people sleeping in their rooms. No bad smells. Staff was not talking down to residents, there were smiles and eye contact. There is a list on top of the microwave in kitchen of things that are always available on request--soup, sandwiches, fruit, etc. [Mom doesn't do big meals anymore, just little nibbles/finger food throughout the day] Residents wear a wristband that they can press for help, it also has a fall sensor. rooms come with drawers and armoire and we can add or change furniture if we want. Owner has dogs that she brings regularly to visit. Also mentioned they'd brought a mobile petting zoo for folks. Back yard is really nice. Parking is very ample. Kind of a walk up a hill, might be hard for Aunt L. BUT the Anderson Mill place looks flat. Anderson Mill will be more 'memory care' with the key pads on the doors.

A couple of things she said that stood out: D. told me a resident came with a stage 3 or 4 alzheimers diagnosis, was given a couple months to live, and is there a year and a half later (said with pride), she mentioned they've had residents express that they're done and just want to die (said matter-of-fact way). She said something about helping mom get out of her depression (haha), on the plus side she said that she wants this place to be a place where we just come and enjoy our time with mom, she never wants us to feel like we have to show up and fight with them for mom's wants or needs. [I liked this a lot which is why I bolded it!] She also has a hospice service she likes very well and recommends, if we are open to changing hospice providers [H. is changing to the hospice D. recommended]. She gave me their brochure. I will send it along.

============================================

so the plan is that H. is renting an RV and will drive mom down over a couple of days. She says she can do it by herself but would be glad and grateful if me and my aunt L can come along. She is picking up the RV on a Friday, we'd drive and get mom early Saturday, drive to Arkansas, stay in Arkansas overnight, and then drive to TX Sunday, H and her daughter and our mom would spend the night at L's and then Monday move mom in to the place.

So L and I will probably fly up and ride back down, then H. is turning in the RV here in TX and she and my niece can fly back to IN at their leisure once mom is settled.

Its a nice place, close to more family than where she is now (an hour away by car from H and her family & no other friends) ...here in Austin she'll have me, Thax, my brother A, aunt L and uncle B. Also her brother, my uncle Bubba is in San Antonio so he could come up if he wanted... it's about the same, money wise, as the place she is in now in Greencastle fucking indiana, but is much nicer, much better quality of care, no old people / pee smell.... so win win.

It's a lot and I have feelings about it that I can't put any words to. I'm really sad about mom and G./dad not getting to finish up their life together on their own terms....but this is the best we can do for her, given the circumstances. and G left her well provided for. There's absolutely no money worries at all.

And this makes me think/wonder about my own end of life. Would I have the courage in my convictions to hang it up while I still have a somewhat working brain/body to make the decision and not leave the decision until too late, having my loved ones paying almost 10k month to live unhappily but well taken care of because my brain is gone? or, worse, some kind of pee smelling dirty old people warehouse rotting away until I finally die....no, please. I want to go out on my own terms...I just don't know when that should be, what should be the hard limit on 'I've had enough life, I'm still in my right mind, but I am done and want to leave things tidy and squared away for whoever is still around,'....

anyhoodle. time to start making supper. tonight is 'baked potato bar' = baked potatoes in the instant pot, served with all the fixins for eveyrone to do up as they like (bacon bits, sour cream, butter, cheese, cheesy broccoli, etc.)

And it's the umptieth anniversary of my first date with Thax. Whoever thought we'd end up here, like this....?

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