54 and adulting hard
May. 25th, 2024 02:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
evileI have visited 6 old folks' homes in the past week, sometimes alone and twice with my brother A and once with my aunt L. I took photos of the outside, parking situation, yards, etc, as I thought to do so and sent a little summary of my visit and impressions + pictures to my sister H so that she can decide if any of them are suitable for Mom. The idea is to move her to Austin sometime soonish because where she is now is expensive, not very good, smells like pee, and is an hour away from H and her family and there's no one else up there.
Though Mom said she hates TX (don't we all) and never wants to come back, here in Austin we have me, my husband, my brother, my aunt L and uncle B in town, and my uncle Bubba down in San Antonio. He comes to visit aunt L now and again, would probably go see mom too. Stepbro sineater is in rockdale, he might or might not visit, (with or without skye_ds and parrot and her other guy Sonar0m and the horses and zoo and assorted hangers on...) And we'd be closer if there was an emergency and when it's time for her to pass. Only one of the places I visited was more expensive than the place she's at now (by $85 whole bucks), and it was NICE. Like all inclusive boutique hotel-type nice. The place she is now.....is trash compared to every single place I visited. Her husband, my stepdad G., left his affairs in order and a good bit of savings and life insurance, plus the money from the sale of the house, so mom is set to live well for at least the next 10 years. Sadly she doesn't want to live at all, which is something I explained to each of the managers/directors/caregiver people giving me a tour. Everyone seemed to think that with proper hydration, nutrition, medication, and care staff, she would 'perk up' and get out of her depression, but give me a fucking break, she's been depressed literally my whole life. Well, diagnosed bipolar, but manic energy was directed to her art and creativity more than 'mood' ...her manic behavior towards us was more 'mad' and her depressive was 'ignore the children, eat the fridge and go to bed' (gee, who does THAT sound like!? apples falling far from trees this is not. anyhoo....)
She attempted suicide at some point last year, before she went into respite and broke her hip. And apparently was drinking a LOT before some incident that made her go cold turkey and start attending AA briefly. g. told me about it but now that he's gone there's no way to get any more details or ask follow up questions. He mostly kept his own council about such things, didn't feel it was appropriate or necessary to ever say a bad or potentially embarrassing thing about mom to anyone. Anyway, mom has never particularly wanted to be alive, as far as I know. She attempted suicide as a teenager I think after her father committed suicide, and then at some point in my youth she said that if she hadn't had us kids she wouldn't still be alive. I remember her saying that once, I don't know if it was a repeated theme in my childhood, as I do not remember most of my childhood, only brief intermittent flashes of memory that are generally harmless memories so I have no idea what or why the block.
Anyway, got that all done. Got my new work computer and monitors for a one year contract (possibly contract to hire) that starts on Tuesday. Set that up. Did not get the 'welcome screen' showed on my printed installation guide but hopefully can get that all straigntened out the first day of work.
Our smallest, newest dog Pepita started limping intermittently last week and licking the back paw of the leg she was favoring. Cried out a couple of times when Thax or I picked her up....so I took her to the vet Friday. Her hips and back legs are very tense and vet says she is very obviously in pain (obvious to vet, not so much to us, I guess, she's been mostly her sweet energetic snuggly little self except for the behavior I just mentioned). She is up to 15.5 lbs, she was 11 at her last checkup, so we need to get her down to 13. Vet wants to do some detailed x rays under general anesthesia to get a better idea of what the hips are doing, and then will make a recommendation about surgery - one hip, both hips, etc. The surgery she thinks it's going to be is Femoral head osteotomy (FHO), I believe she said. And she said that with small dogs, this surgery is typically very successful. I knew we were going to need to get this surgery at some point but I'd hoped to be working and saving some $$$ in advance of it. (I used to have a credit card with a 22k limit but I cancelled it and don't carry one with a high limit anymore. You'd think such a move would improve my credit rating but no. FICO is such a fucking scam piece of bullshit. ) Anyway.....so I'll either have to do a payment plan or Thax is going to have to put it on a card, or pay it. I feel like this is an expense we should share equally....we'll figure it out. For now she's on Gabapentin and Carprofen for pain and inflammation and she's on a diet.
Had a dream last night that the family was going to a concert. It was the family we had when I was in hs - me, mom, stepdad G, stepbro sineater, sister H, brother A, foster bro R. . The house was not a place I recognized but I think it was supposed to be somewhere in San Antonio. We were getting ready to leave and Mom was telling G. that she'd maxed out her credit card and so G was going to have to ....? I don't remember? pay it? give her his card? something.... and then on the way out the door Mom broke the door and was saying that someone was going to have to stay behind or we were not going to go to the concert because someone would break in to the house, or something??? I don't really remember. Just broken door and Mom worrying about people coming in and stealing stuff....I kind of looked around and thought about whatever stuff of mine was in this house and was like "who cares if they steal everything, let's just go,"..... I've had a recurring dream that involves me having left boxes of stuff behind at mom and G's house and trying to get it back... the reality is that everything I left behind, mom went through and threw away stuff and mailed me one or two things from it. LIke, I had a rolodex type thing of photos in these little plastic sleeves in my ceder chest that my grandmother gave me when I was a teenager, alogn with whatever else I had in that box (forgotten things, whatever)..and she sent me maybe 3 photos from the photodex in an envelop with a little note, and the rest, who knows. tossed. that's mom for ya. And brother A and sister H went through and cleared out the house before selling it so anything I left there is gone gone. so I guess I still have anxiety and anger about that on some level, but on the other hand my house is absolutely cram packed full of bullshit that I'd love to get rid of but it's such a huge task I never start.
did laundry this morning, swept and mopped the kitchen, walked dogs, and Thax made coffee and heated up some cherry turnovers for breakfast, so that's been good.
.
today there are a few things going on in town but it's hot, bad heat index, bla bla. A 'wizard and maiden' faire at Natures Treasures, a Witch Market someplace, the Vortex theatre is having a sale of their old costumes and props.....I feel unmotivated for all of it. It is hot and humid and hazy outside.
Belize is having a terrible heat wave right now. The folks in San Pedro are being asked to conserve energy because the power grid is under strain and there have been outages. San Pedro/ Ambergris Caye is where the wealthier expats live. I am thinking about what I do when I'm traveling in Belize vs what I do when I'm at home, as far as finding fun and staying cool. Here in Austin I'm like Fuck Ercot, I'm sure none of those fucking board members are reducing their AC usage and downtown Austin is absolutely full of empty buildings sucking up power to air condition and run lights for nobody, so until and unless they lead by example, I'm not going to sweat my tits off for anyone..... But I guess that's kind of a shitty way to think about it. If I was in Belize, I'd go swimming and turn up the thermostat a few degrees happily. Here....I don't feel like it. But again, I feel like Belize public utilities and public servants are generally trying to serve the population and do their best to improve things...and I feel like here in TX everyone is a grifting lying thieving piece of shit and fuck them all. I'd happily throw ERCOT and all of our elected officials into a volcano. So that's the difference I guess.
Though Mom said she hates TX (don't we all) and never wants to come back, here in Austin we have me, my husband, my brother, my aunt L and uncle B in town, and my uncle Bubba down in San Antonio. He comes to visit aunt L now and again, would probably go see mom too. Stepbro sineater is in rockdale, he might or might not visit, (with or without skye_ds and parrot and her other guy Sonar0m and the horses and zoo and assorted hangers on...) And we'd be closer if there was an emergency and when it's time for her to pass. Only one of the places I visited was more expensive than the place she's at now (by $85 whole bucks), and it was NICE. Like all inclusive boutique hotel-type nice. The place she is now.....is trash compared to every single place I visited. Her husband, my stepdad G., left his affairs in order and a good bit of savings and life insurance, plus the money from the sale of the house, so mom is set to live well for at least the next 10 years. Sadly she doesn't want to live at all, which is something I explained to each of the managers/directors/caregiver people giving me a tour. Everyone seemed to think that with proper hydration, nutrition, medication, and care staff, she would 'perk up' and get out of her depression, but give me a fucking break, she's been depressed literally my whole life. Well, diagnosed bipolar, but manic energy was directed to her art and creativity more than 'mood' ...her manic behavior towards us was more 'mad' and her depressive was 'ignore the children, eat the fridge and go to bed' (gee, who does THAT sound like!? apples falling far from trees this is not. anyhoo....)
She attempted suicide at some point last year, before she went into respite and broke her hip. And apparently was drinking a LOT before some incident that made her go cold turkey and start attending AA briefly. g. told me about it but now that he's gone there's no way to get any more details or ask follow up questions. He mostly kept his own council about such things, didn't feel it was appropriate or necessary to ever say a bad or potentially embarrassing thing about mom to anyone. Anyway, mom has never particularly wanted to be alive, as far as I know. She attempted suicide as a teenager I think after her father committed suicide, and then at some point in my youth she said that if she hadn't had us kids she wouldn't still be alive. I remember her saying that once, I don't know if it was a repeated theme in my childhood, as I do not remember most of my childhood, only brief intermittent flashes of memory that are generally harmless memories so I have no idea what or why the block.
Anyway, got that all done. Got my new work computer and monitors for a one year contract (possibly contract to hire) that starts on Tuesday. Set that up. Did not get the 'welcome screen' showed on my printed installation guide but hopefully can get that all straigntened out the first day of work.
Our smallest, newest dog Pepita started limping intermittently last week and licking the back paw of the leg she was favoring. Cried out a couple of times when Thax or I picked her up....so I took her to the vet Friday. Her hips and back legs are very tense and vet says she is very obviously in pain (obvious to vet, not so much to us, I guess, she's been mostly her sweet energetic snuggly little self except for the behavior I just mentioned). She is up to 15.5 lbs, she was 11 at her last checkup, so we need to get her down to 13. Vet wants to do some detailed x rays under general anesthesia to get a better idea of what the hips are doing, and then will make a recommendation about surgery - one hip, both hips, etc. The surgery she thinks it's going to be is Femoral head osteotomy (FHO), I believe she said. And she said that with small dogs, this surgery is typically very successful. I knew we were going to need to get this surgery at some point but I'd hoped to be working and saving some $$$ in advance of it. (I used to have a credit card with a 22k limit but I cancelled it and don't carry one with a high limit anymore. You'd think such a move would improve my credit rating but no. FICO is such a fucking scam piece of bullshit. ) Anyway.....so I'll either have to do a payment plan or Thax is going to have to put it on a card, or pay it. I feel like this is an expense we should share equally....we'll figure it out. For now she's on Gabapentin and Carprofen for pain and inflammation and she's on a diet.
Had a dream last night that the family was going to a concert. It was the family we had when I was in hs - me, mom, stepdad G, stepbro sineater, sister H, brother A, foster bro R. . The house was not a place I recognized but I think it was supposed to be somewhere in San Antonio. We were getting ready to leave and Mom was telling G. that she'd maxed out her credit card and so G was going to have to ....? I don't remember? pay it? give her his card? something.... and then on the way out the door Mom broke the door and was saying that someone was going to have to stay behind or we were not going to go to the concert because someone would break in to the house, or something??? I don't really remember. Just broken door and Mom worrying about people coming in and stealing stuff....I kind of looked around and thought about whatever stuff of mine was in this house and was like "who cares if they steal everything, let's just go,"..... I've had a recurring dream that involves me having left boxes of stuff behind at mom and G's house and trying to get it back... the reality is that everything I left behind, mom went through and threw away stuff and mailed me one or two things from it. LIke, I had a rolodex type thing of photos in these little plastic sleeves in my ceder chest that my grandmother gave me when I was a teenager, alogn with whatever else I had in that box (forgotten things, whatever)..and she sent me maybe 3 photos from the photodex in an envelop with a little note, and the rest, who knows. tossed. that's mom for ya. And brother A and sister H went through and cleared out the house before selling it so anything I left there is gone gone. so I guess I still have anxiety and anger about that on some level, but on the other hand my house is absolutely cram packed full of bullshit that I'd love to get rid of but it's such a huge task I never start.
did laundry this morning, swept and mopped the kitchen, walked dogs, and Thax made coffee and heated up some cherry turnovers for breakfast, so that's been good.
.
today there are a few things going on in town but it's hot, bad heat index, bla bla. A 'wizard and maiden' faire at Natures Treasures, a Witch Market someplace, the Vortex theatre is having a sale of their old costumes and props.....I feel unmotivated for all of it. It is hot and humid and hazy outside.
Belize is having a terrible heat wave right now. The folks in San Pedro are being asked to conserve energy because the power grid is under strain and there have been outages. San Pedro/ Ambergris Caye is where the wealthier expats live. I am thinking about what I do when I'm traveling in Belize vs what I do when I'm at home, as far as finding fun and staying cool. Here in Austin I'm like Fuck Ercot, I'm sure none of those fucking board members are reducing their AC usage and downtown Austin is absolutely full of empty buildings sucking up power to air condition and run lights for nobody, so until and unless they lead by example, I'm not going to sweat my tits off for anyone..... But I guess that's kind of a shitty way to think about it. If I was in Belize, I'd go swimming and turn up the thermostat a few degrees happily. Here....I don't feel like it. But again, I feel like Belize public utilities and public servants are generally trying to serve the population and do their best to improve things...and I feel like here in TX everyone is a grifting lying thieving piece of shit and fuck them all. I'd happily throw ERCOT and all of our elected officials into a volcano. So that's the difference I guess.
