(no subject)
Oct. 12th, 2024 09:09 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
evile "People think that sadness is crying, the breakdown, the absolute agony of the heart. But sadness is quieter than that. It's the slow sinking feeling, the hollow ache in your chest, the dull numbness that settles over you like a thick fog. It’s going to bed at night and hoping you don’t wake up, or waking up and wishing you hadn’t. It's the realization that no matter how much you want things to change, some things are forever broken, and no amount of time will ever make them whole again."
– Beau Taplin
It's the weekend. Sleeping in, visiting mom, red light, some dog walking, and trying to make headway on emptying the tent room for a flooring project....
I am trying to stay busy and do good things....but I am sad and mad and mean all the time. I really don't like myself much and I don't think I am doing or being anything worthwhile.
everything is kind of a holding pattern. no future plans or hopes or dreams or anything. waiting to die. it's taking too fucking long. wishing I could get my declutter going so that the people who have to clean up after I'm gone won't have such a miserable job of it
the only thing I do 'for me' is red light, and most weekends I don't go.
and I feel bad and stupid and selfish for thinking that I want to or 'should' do more for just me....and I don't even know what I could or should do for myself that would feel nice instead of like a waste of time and money that I could or should be using for something else.
darkness.
everything is kind of a holding pattern. no future plans or hopes or dreams or anything. waiting to die. it's taking too fucking long. wishing I could get my declutter going so that the people who have to clean up after I'm gone won't have such a miserable job of it
the only thing I do 'for me' is red light, and most weekends I don't go.
and I feel bad and stupid and selfish for thinking that I want to or 'should' do more for just me....and I don't even know what I could or should do for myself that would feel nice instead of like a waste of time and money that I could or should be using for something else.
darkness.
