insomnia/anxiety
Jan. 11th, 2025 11:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
evile the final 5 weeks of my temp job are going to be an introvert's hell. I will be on zoom calls literally all day every day. I am really hoping that monday's 'quick connect' with the supervisor who just started in Dec will be something along the lines of 'we got all the info we need, y'all can piss off now,' Since the holiday break I do be feelin' like we are somebody's broken toys. Like they are going to take the work we did, make some spreadsheets and powerpoints about it and use it to sell their next idea for 'improvement' to the Powers That Be. As far as I know, the supervisor they hired hasn't extended any permanent full time offers to anyone on our team of contractors. (but if they had, maybe they are keeping it quiet)
Honestly, if we were just going by numbers, if there was a position to give, they should have offered it to me (or posted it and strongly encouraged me to apply, at least)....but the new boss gives a vibe that he doesn't care for me. Nothing specific, just....one can tell when a male person of authority is taking a dislike to one on the basis of ....whatever it is that is 'wrong' with me and makes me rub certain people the wrong way. (smart, old, fat, female, outspoken, honest, competent, don't suffer fools gladly, whatever it is. the thing that is wrong with me and I don't know what it is and not entirely sure I'd change it if I did know...)
I have learned a lot and gotten good at using the tools and databases, I have gotten the work done, I have stayed organized and on-task, I have been pleasant and professional to my teammates, I have developed a good working relationship with most of the high level high earner execs that I am expected to meet with repeatedly, I have been one of the approx. 1/3 of our team who have consistently been in-office on the mandatory 'in office' days 3 days a week, I have kept to the dress code, I have been reliable and punctual and what have you. But I still feel like I failed in some way to fit in and do....whatever it is.... (the non neurotypical, depressive, adhd, whatever it is that is wrong with me that makes me never, ever fit in or be normal and I have no idea what I'm doing wrong *thing*)
I have learned a lot and gotten good at using the tools and databases, I have gotten the work done, I have stayed organized and on-task, I have been pleasant and professional to my teammates, I have developed a good working relationship with most of the high level high earner execs that I am expected to meet with repeatedly, I have been one of the approx. 1/3 of our team who have consistently been in-office on the mandatory 'in office' days 3 days a week, I have kept to the dress code, I have been reliable and punctual and what have you. But I still feel like I failed in some way to fit in and do....whatever it is.... (the non neurotypical, depressive, adhd, whatever it is that is wrong with me that makes me never, ever fit in or be normal and I have no idea what I'm doing wrong *thing*)
Anyway I am having a lot of anxiety about the upcoming nonstop calls, end of project, and whatever I am going to do next for $. And I hate that I am letting this worry ruin my weekend and keep me from getting to sleep.
On the plus side, I had enough socked away that I did manage to pay property tax on the house this month and buy myself an ebike and have enough saved so that I can take care of basic bills for a few months before I have to worry too hard about finding the next job. I wanted to also have enough saved up to get a 2nd opinion on Pepita's hips and get her surgery if the 2nd vet agrees. didn't get enough saved for that one. But two out of 3 financial goals during this contract? That's pretty good, I think.
One of my fellow contractors was taking a data analyst bootcamp course and has had several recruiters reach out to her and at least one interview that I know of--Big Fruit Company, for something like $56/hr. She is super positive and helpful and kind. Two more of our group have started taking the same course because she talked it up so much. I may go ahead and sign up, it's 10 weeks and a couple thousand dollars but may yield the ability to work remotely and make good money.... that would be a hell of a thing. Internet,VPN, and life in Belize could be a real thing. I'd still have to convince the husband to move, but with the ability to earn from wherever i am, and the cost of living in Belize being much lower, all of that could be persuasive.
anyhoo....let's get thru the next 5 weeks and see how it goes.
visited Mom today; told her about the dream I had last night about her and my stepdad Greg taking me to the airport after rescuing my sister's dog....and she smiled when I told her how Greg had everything squared away and taken care of for getting the dog on the plane, in a kennel and with the right papers... I said "I miss him" and she said "I miss him too," and a little later in the visit my brother A. and I were chatting about the afterlife or the next world, some term like that, and Mom said she'd been dreaming about the next world (she rarely gets out a whole sentence these days, so that was big) and I asked if it scared her and she got the most huge and happy smile on her face and said "No. It's wonderful," I hope she can make that step soon. not because I'm hateful or selfish but because she is suffering and I know she's wanted to go for a long time now.
On the plus side, I had enough socked away that I did manage to pay property tax on the house this month and buy myself an ebike and have enough saved so that I can take care of basic bills for a few months before I have to worry too hard about finding the next job. I wanted to also have enough saved up to get a 2nd opinion on Pepita's hips and get her surgery if the 2nd vet agrees. didn't get enough saved for that one. But two out of 3 financial goals during this contract? That's pretty good, I think.
One of my fellow contractors was taking a data analyst bootcamp course and has had several recruiters reach out to her and at least one interview that I know of--Big Fruit Company, for something like $56/hr. She is super positive and helpful and kind. Two more of our group have started taking the same course because she talked it up so much. I may go ahead and sign up, it's 10 weeks and a couple thousand dollars but may yield the ability to work remotely and make good money.... that would be a hell of a thing. Internet,VPN, and life in Belize could be a real thing. I'd still have to convince the husband to move, but with the ability to earn from wherever i am, and the cost of living in Belize being much lower, all of that could be persuasive.
anyhoo....let's get thru the next 5 weeks and see how it goes.
visited Mom today; told her about the dream I had last night about her and my stepdad Greg taking me to the airport after rescuing my sister's dog....and she smiled when I told her how Greg had everything squared away and taken care of for getting the dog on the plane, in a kennel and with the right papers... I said "I miss him" and she said "I miss him too," and a little later in the visit my brother A. and I were chatting about the afterlife or the next world, some term like that, and Mom said she'd been dreaming about the next world (she rarely gets out a whole sentence these days, so that was big) and I asked if it scared her and she got the most huge and happy smile on her face and said "No. It's wonderful," I hope she can make that step soon. not because I'm hateful or selfish but because she is suffering and I know she's wanted to go for a long time now.
