Mothers day
May. 12th, 2024 03:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
evileI don't really know what to say on Mother's Day. Never have, really.
I have a mother. And I don't.
Her body is here, her mind is locked away. She says alzheimers, but she recognizes people and can name them. She seems to have trouble forming her ideas into words. Mostly repeats the last words someone said, can reform sentences from "do you want ice cream" to "I want ice cream" or "do I want ice cream?" but doesn't volunteer information or say things independently. Mostly. When my stepdad died she got up on her own and walked to the nurse station to tell them. Asked the next day "is my husband still dead," and asked me"are you surprised?" sort of out of the clear blue when I was getting ready to drive back to TX after he passed. I knew she was asking if I was surprised that Greg passed before she did.
This new mom is soft and sweet. She's not the mom I grew up with. I don't have a lot of memories. Probably because a lot of things that happened were not good things. I do wish I remembered the good things better. I know there were many.
My mother and my father's mother have things in common that are/were unpleasant. Probably one of the reasons he picked her. She is/was also very beautiful.
No woman can live up to all of the demands society places on women; the judgements and pronouncements and shoulds of Motherhood. It's awful. There's no one right way to do it and so many wrong ways that face such condemnation from everyone. So much competition. Just listening to my ex friend X and her friend Goldrie one upping and shitting on each other in that special 'sweet' way that mothers/women have of shitting on each other with the bless your heart smile on their face. So frenemy. Much wow. So awful. So glad I never entered that particular contest. Being female has been so awful, even without that. Glad I am an old fat neuter now.
I don't really know what to say, or do, or feel, on a day that honors all of the impossible things people expect, society demands, of women who choose to have children. Or are/were compelled to have children under the laws of the time. Goddess help us. So many not suited to bear or raise children and do it anyway. I wish it wasn't so.
I hope whatever kind of day you're having, whoever is reading this , is peaceful and pleasant and uncomplicated. I hope the world gets better for women. I suspect it will not.
I have a mother. And I don't.
Her body is here, her mind is locked away. She says alzheimers, but she recognizes people and can name them. She seems to have trouble forming her ideas into words. Mostly repeats the last words someone said, can reform sentences from "do you want ice cream" to "I want ice cream" or "do I want ice cream?" but doesn't volunteer information or say things independently. Mostly. When my stepdad died she got up on her own and walked to the nurse station to tell them. Asked the next day "is my husband still dead," and asked me"are you surprised?" sort of out of the clear blue when I was getting ready to drive back to TX after he passed. I knew she was asking if I was surprised that Greg passed before she did.
This new mom is soft and sweet. She's not the mom I grew up with. I don't have a lot of memories. Probably because a lot of things that happened were not good things. I do wish I remembered the good things better. I know there were many.
My mother and my father's mother have things in common that are/were unpleasant. Probably one of the reasons he picked her. She is/was also very beautiful.
No woman can live up to all of the demands society places on women; the judgements and pronouncements and shoulds of Motherhood. It's awful. There's no one right way to do it and so many wrong ways that face such condemnation from everyone. So much competition. Just listening to my ex friend X and her friend Goldrie one upping and shitting on each other in that special 'sweet' way that mothers/women have of shitting on each other with the bless your heart smile on their face. So frenemy. Much wow. So awful. So glad I never entered that particular contest. Being female has been so awful, even without that. Glad I am an old fat neuter now.
I don't really know what to say, or do, or feel, on a day that honors all of the impossible things people expect, society demands, of women who choose to have children. Or are/were compelled to have children under the laws of the time. Goddess help us. So many not suited to bear or raise children and do it anyway. I wish it wasn't so.
I hope whatever kind of day you're having, whoever is reading this , is peaceful and pleasant and uncomplicated. I hope the world gets better for women. I suspect it will not.
no subject
Date: 2024-05-13 12:12 pm (UTC)