playlist that my sister made for the memorial service 

photos from the weekend
 
I duplicated my sister's playlist in youtube
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WuNzvicI9k0&list=PLoIaHIiRqo0lmqtY40eG1Tvf-_WYlEVsW

 "Everyone wants to have a village, no one wants to be a village"...everyone wants a revolution, no one wants to put their own ass on the line. Everyone hopes the next generation will be the generation that fixes the previous generation's mistakes. The shit is rolling downhill and it's gonna land on someone, sometime, but hopefully not me. This game of musical chairs is gettin super bad and super weird. What is it going to take? What is finally going to break us? What is finally going to make us wake up? Education has failed us, we dont' know history in a way that makes us knowlegable on how to proceed in these times, we have electronics and entertainment and surveillance and censorship, we don't have communication and connection and community. We don't have the knowledge or the means to organize effectively and accomplish things, and future generations sure as fuck do not/will not. I don't have a lot of hope. I feel pretty alone and done.

This past weekend was a memorial service for my mom and scattering ashes for my mom and stepdad at Enchanted Rock.

My stepbrother Sineater showed up, and my foster brother Ricky and his partner and cousin (I think the cousin drove?) showed up. It was good to see everyone. My sister H. picked a weird and cool place for us to stay, Trois Estate. about a mile from E. Rock.  The state park was crowded except for when we went at dawn to scatter ashes with just the siblings. Brother A. wanted a sunrise 'ritual' of some sort, and Sineater had to get back to his weekend duties with his wife's 'successful equine business' so, that was just us. Later on, the rest of the family went back to the rock and did more scattering. Then gave brother A. the rest of the ashes to take up to top and scatter among the elevated areas where we used to go and run around and explore on our family's campouts. There was water in some of the low lying areas of the park; that seemed unusual. I don;'t think it's rained in a long time.

I don't camp or climb so well anymore, but i did OK during the shorter hikes we did. I definitely need to get into better shape and lose some weight. But some of this stuff may just be 'the way it is' now, arthritis/pain in L. knee, L. ankle, R. ankle.  I am as always hesitant to seek medical attention because if all they have to say to me is 'stop being fat' ...I can tell that to myself at home for free.  I don't need that.   I'm just so fucking tired of all of it. 

Trois estate was a lot of steps and uneven ground and what appeared to be blatant safety issues --unit steps, lack of safety railings on upper levels of things, really odd electrical outlets, lack of hot water in showers, drains were deep holes in the concrete shower enclosures so a wrong step while showering would have been a crippling injury... It was 'quaint' and 'fun' and 'wierd'. .. mom would have loved it. It was aesthetically interesting but I probably will never stay  there again. Bed was comfortable, and the AC in the room worked pretty well.  Swimming pool was very cold. The one underground in the 'grotto' was warmer So that was nice.

still unemployed. getting to the bottom of my checking/savings. inheritance should be coming in around April 2026 if I can somehow keep things going that long. OR, ya know, get a fucking job.

That would be cool.


Housemate Sam looked after the dogs, kept them fed. 3 of the 4 water sources were empty an probably had been all weekend, but the gravity fed water bottle/bowl combo had water, so if the dogs couldn't drink from the 'favorite' bowl at least they did have water.  She is too small and frail and the dogs are too badly behaved for them to get walks while we were gone. I walked them this morning and they pulled on me and misbehaved some but we got through it.

I don't really know what else to write about.

facebook isn't letting me use my phone to make photo albums or upload more than 1 photo anymore, don't knwo what's up with that. Google photos on my desktop is also acting shitty.

I hear/read that Amazon Web Services had a massive outage yesterday. Maybe the internet is just breaking down, or being hacked, or having problems due to increased back end surveillance measures being installed...who knows.

el stinko continues to destroy the country, literally and figuratively. the East Wing is being demolished  by Executive Order. No planning, no oversite, no normal process at all. The same people who screamed and cried when Michelle Obama put in a veggie garden are silent as the White House is literally being knocked down.

anyway. Spending real time with real people this weekend made me realize I need to just stop with the negativity and politics on facebook and such. it's not doing anyone any good.  stfu and just die already, self. just die. please please please. I just want to be done.

My sister H called me day before yesterday about trying to get the inheritance settled; apparently Mom and Stepdad G not only made H. their Executor and medical, financial, and legal power of attorney, they also made her the sole heir with the understanding or instructions that she'd be in charge of dividing up whatever was left after they were both gone. She's talked with the trust that is holding the bulk of the money, Mom and G's lawyers, tax people, and her husband who is a financial advisor...and it looks like the way it is set up its' going to take a huge chunk in taxes. So to offset that she wanted to put it into a 6 month CD to gather some interest and then disburse it, so April-ish? I told her thats' fine and I trust her and I want her to do whatever is best for her own finances, first, because she's taken up such responsibility and it really is her call how to handle it. She doesn't even want to give herself a stipend as the executor, which is really normal and I feel totally fair since she's done and is doing so much work to take care of Mom and G and their stuff and everything.

I'm worried about getting together enough $ for annual property taxes in January. I've had a couple of interviews. The most recent one, I wont' be hearing one way or the other until late this month, so that's not going to be a lot of time to scrape together 6 or 7 grand for end of January. Thax says not to worry, he's going to be able to take care of it. But he's already taken on pretty much everything but the weekly groceries for dinner and I am feeling like an absolute burden. He insists I'm not. But everything is getting more and more expensive and I do worry.

I reread part of my journal from 2016 when El Stinko Pendejo The Clown won the 2016 election. I took a cruise to be out of the country on inauguration day, I had a bad feeling about it. Turns out my bad feeling was right, just too early.

Looking at Belize real estate listings. Found one in Toledo that I really really like. over 21 acres, lots of fruit and cacao trees, and a creek with swimming holes and stairs already built down to the water. The house itself is a 'palapa' but has electricity and starlink satellite for internet. $160,000.

I really need to get off my ass and get my 'QRP' [qualified retired person] status squared away--you have to be 45 or older and have proof of a minimum monthly income so that you won't be trying to take away any Belizean jobs. You can start a business in Belize as a QRP person, though. And once you have your QRP, you can import all your stuff & your car duty-free. 160K is high.

I guess I'm getting some lotto tickets tomorrow, lol.

Anyhoo...life is oK. I'm actually tired. I have some hives that keep coming back every morning on my left inner elbow, where it bends. I don't know if I'm getting sweaty in the night and getting a heat rash (I kind of sleep with my arms curled up) or if it's a reaction to the Lithium Orotate that I started taking. I took it two nights in a row and had the rash, so I am quitting and hopefully it will go away. No other symptoms as far as I can tell.


I also remembered that I have been forgetting to take Tesofensine (triple reuptake inhibitor) for ....well, probably since I went to CO in late april to help Sam pack and move back to TX. So...hey, maybe take that thing that keeps me from being so terribly depressed and crazy and has a nice side effect of curbing my appetite and helping me not overeat and not snack endlessly? yeah.....maybe get back on that.

I had a job interview via Microsoft Teams this week; it went OK but not super great. I dont' think I'm going to get it, but they said they would be interviewing for a couple more weeks so I won't know until almost end of sept.  unemployment is going up and the job market is shrinking.  I've put in for a few more things this week, feeding that pipeline as Thax calls it. sigh. Feeling pretty worthless and useless and like a burden. It sucks. I have paranoia that Thax wants to divorce.  I would be sad but I would understand; I'm not very good to be around right now with my head up my ass and all. He isn't getting his needs met. I am so fucked in the head that I can't even identify whether or not I even have any needs. Or wants. Or anything. Come on  Giant Asteroid!!! (also can I say I hate that I am apparently turning in to my mom? My l knee and r ankle hurt almost constantly and I have started walking like I remember her walking,, kind of a stiff weeble wobble waddle, I'm negative and miserable and self involved and all I want to do is be dead. How fucking tedious. shut up. get a fucking job. do something productive with your time. clean house. just something. Pack for Belize. goddamn.)

job hunt continues.

I had an online questionnaire and prerecorded interview for a position with an insurance company near the house, I got that done yesterday. I loathed recording myself. And there was no way to blur the background.

If/when I get a rejection note, I'll be sure to bring up my concerns re: privacy & ask what their storage, retention, and disposal policies are regarding the video interviews they obtain, and let them know that I'm not comfortable with the idea of them keeping or using my material for any reason, especially not for 'training' AI.

if/when I get an in person interview, I will raise the same concerns. perhaps in a more conversational tone.

Seems to me that any company that is in the business of risk management (insurance) needs to think long and hard about things like that, and be more transparent when they are using those kinds of tools to screen applicants.

I am wondering if. in addition to the economy being weird because of El Stinko and his 'tariffs' and continued blundering with international relations, and in addition to all the weird scammers and likely resume-harvesters out there in job-hunt land, the fact that I'm over 50 is factoring in to this long period of unemployment.

I am slogging thru a 7 hr Excel Data Analysis video I found on Youtube. It is helping me. I need to start taking actual written notes in addition to just watching. The class material is in a zip file and winzip is $34/year subscription. Seems excessive for a single use of said zip, but that is the wave of the future--we won't own anything, we'll just be renting apps and software and everything else from a big company.

I went running around in the world today; tried to offload some 'witchy' books, I was hoping the local witch shop would have some kind of free libary/sit and read/lounge type area but I didn't see anything like that. Maybe the Vortex theatre will have something like that? I dunno. And I tried to offload some coloring books I haven't touched in years at the Kava shop, because I seem to remember going there with friends some years ago and coloring and drinking kava and having a nice time, so I was gonna get a kava and sneak my books in to their pile...but then I got there and the kava place is closed for remodeling. Their Oak Hill location is still open though. But I don't feel like making that kind of drive.

Honestly I should just throw those books and coloring books away, or donate them to Goodwill even though part of my brain is going "no, they're too wierd/witchy, no one will adopt them from Goodwill"....I need to lose my attachment to my 'stuff' and not care what happens to it after it leaves my home. It's not making me happy, it's not my responsibility to find it a home where it will be appreciated and loved, it's my job to make my home a place that isn't cluttered with things that dont' make me happy.

sigh. I have fucking brainworms when it comes to 'stuff' and 'clutter' and all that bullshit. throw it away. run away. die.

I just want to be done with everything.

 the final 5 weeks of my temp job are going to be an introvert's hell. I will be on zoom calls literally all day every day. I am really hoping that monday's 'quick connect' with the supervisor who just started in Dec will be something along the lines of 'we got all the info we need, y'all can piss off now,' Since the holiday break I do be feelin' like we are somebody's broken toys. Like they are going to take the work we did, make some spreadsheets and powerpoints about it and use it to sell their next idea for 'improvement' to the Powers That Be. As far as I know, the supervisor they hired hasn't extended any permanent full time offers to anyone on our team of contractors. (but if they had, maybe they are keeping it quiet)

 2024 election is in the bag.

Here in TX, we are stuck with Rafael "Turd" Cruz for another term; I still believe with all my heart that Rolando Pablos, the Sec of State at the time, fixed the 2018 race for him, or else Beto would have won. That sorry ass cockroach left office shortly after the 2018 elections and now he's running for mayor of San Antonio. 

And Donald Fucking Trump is our next president. Goddamn it so much. How the FUCK people watched that shambling, shitting, mumbling, ranting, hateful, stupid racist fuckhead wander weakly all over America, not knowing where he was, simulating oral sex on an invisible microphone and thought "now there's a leader!"--I mean, WHAT THE FUCK. Oh, and did I mention? He's a convicted rapist, a convicted felon, and there are credible allegations he's also a pedophile.  What a shitshow.
It is too much to hope that he'll croak before next year; both his parents, despite looking like The Living Dead, his mom was 88 and his dad was a demented 93 when he finally passed.... 

Rubber meets the road, I really can't see myself going to Belize without my husband or family.. so here I am. As a white middle aged infertile woman in a heterosexual marriage,  I probably will survive :/ I kinda don't want to. I feel pretty fucking done.

Had a fussy morning with the husband; he needed something from the medicine cabinet and couldnt' find it and fussed at me about it. I guess my brother borrowed it and didn't replace it? I don't know. It had been just sitting up there for years and as far as I know never used, so if my brother needed it and I gave it to him....*shrug*   So I went to the store today and bought 3 more , they can sit in the cabinet for the next 10 years not being used. Fuck it.

We had 'potato bar' for supper last night. Baked potatoes in instant pot and then bacon bits, sour cream, butter, chives, cheesy broccoli,etc. out on the table to put on  them as each person wants. Thax cut his potato in half and I thought he was going to save the other half fo later. When I was puttering around in the kitchen this morning, the half potato was still out on the counter and I said something about 'if you want stuff to be good for later, you have to put it in the fridge,: turns out he wasn't saving it for later, he didn't like it the first time and hasn't ever really liked potato bar night.

So, he doesn't like steak, he doesn't like potatoes. Ok.  He grew up in a shitty family where kids have to clean their plates and eat what their given and not complain...so that's basically what he does now. Doesn't that sound joyous? Come home and joylessly munch down on whatever horrible swill your insane shrew of a wife slops out for you? wow. Such a great life. Exactly the sort of married bliss I aspire to provide for my loved one.

I haven't been working since end of March. My only utiiity to this family as of now is to cook and clean. And since half the shit I cook is stuff he just suffers through and stuffs down, I'm not doing a very good job of that, am I?

I come from a family where we were poor as shit and you don't waste food.  And also food is love. And my smart brain knows that is some fucking toxic crazy ass bullshit but it's hard to tell my crazy self anything once I'm off and running....

So all of this is very triggering and upsetting for me. The smart and sane part of my brain  knows that no one is attacking or rejecting me when they don't eat what I cook or don't like what I cook.  and the part of me that is not crazy understands that we are not starving and poor and we can throw away food we don't want or dont like and it's not a terrible thing.

But I did not handle it very well this morning, at all. and I'm not sure what to do.  I'm about to start working again. My time to shop and prepare food is going to become more limited. I'm already out of fucking ideas for shit to cook every goddamn motherfucking night Monday through Friday. My brother says fish and pork make him sick, so I don't cook any. Fine.  Seems Like there should still be lots of things I could make that people would actually like and enjoy, not just stuff down because it's expected.

And I don't want to be the crazy scary person who forces people to eat, or eat more than they want, when they don't like the food or  I made too large of portions or whatever the everliving fuck.

I really wish I could just quit. Everything. I am not doing very well.


I never, ever ever want to be my mom. And I didn't want to be her when she was 100% either. But in all ways I am certainly headed that way, it seems. :(

I flew up on Thursday  18th with my aunt L. We stayed with my sister H & her family in Bloomington Thursday night and Friday night. Friday we drove to Cincinnati OH and picked up a 26' RV and stopped at a place called Jungle Jim's. It was CRAZY. They gave you a map as you walked in. And you needed it. It was too big, my brain just kinda shut down. They had literally everything. Including ground camel meat and 27 kinds of butter from about 5 different countries. And I think maybe the worlds largest cheese? My brother in law and niece came with us to pick up the RV and then BIL & Niece followed us back in the car while H drove the RV and my aunt L. rode. 

We picked up my mom Saturday morning from her piss smelling old folks warehouse in Greencastle, IN. We packed up her room and wheeled her on outta there. She had been practicing in Phsical Therapy for Stairs so we got her up into the RV without too much trouble. She slept in the queen size bed at the back of the RV for most of the trip. H. wanted her to sit up in the seats and look out the window and engage with the trip but mom just doesn't have that capability anymore. I had been thinking Aunt L. would be chatting with her and keeping her company but that didn't really happen. I think aunt L was bored and uncomfortable most of the trip.

We got used to driving the monster mobile pretty quick, and it had a good sized engine so it got along pretty well on the highway. Driving itself was easy and comfortable. There was a LOT of road noise, driver and passenger could barely hear each other, couldn't hear anything goin on in the living area of the RV at all.  Neice mostly stayed in the bed area above the driver/passenger area, and aunt L mostly stayed at the table, but occasionally would sit in the seat behind the passenger seat and try to talk to us. It was just too loud for much conversation.   The radio seemed to only have speakers in the cab and none in the back so we weren't able to play mom's music for her or anything like that.

Our first stop was supposed to be at Lake Catherine state park in Hot Springs, AR, but we had made a late start so by the time we were getting close, it was getting dark. H. and aunt L. talked it over while I was driving and decided to stay overnight at a Mariott in Little Rock instead.  There was a lot of construction and I drove in the dark which I don't do in regular life much anymore --between the astigmatism and the growing cataract it just doesn't feel safe...but it had to be done and I did it, and we didn't wreck or die. I even did a decent job parking in their parking lot.   I had looked up Lake Catherine SP online earlier in the trip and I had been looking forward to it. It's about at the halfway point between IN and TX family and has horseback riding you can reserve so  maybe we'll plan a family meetup/ vacay sometime. 

Next morning, we had breakfast in the hotel and got on the road. No stops except for gas. Got to Cedar Breaks around 5pm, got our hookups done in good daylight, no problems. Ate sandwiches and fruit and whatever was in the RV fridge for dinner. Did a little walking around. It's a pretty park. If I liked camping and/or had an RV I'd go out there and camp regularly. Apparently there's a big walking trail too, but we didn't go. We saw deer and lots of birds, a few fish in the water. It was green but clear near the fishing pier.  

Monday, Thax and my brother A drove up to the park and met us at our campsite. They brought Taco Cabana and we had a picnic lunch. Then H and aunt L and brother A. took the RV with mom's stuff in it to the care home and  Thax and I and mom and our niece went to Pecan Creek Ranch for 'horse therapy' or something. (My sister H. h ad set it up in advance) our appointment was at 2 and I had been worried that it would be too hot but it's been rainy and cool in TX for the last week or so, so it was fine. We got there, mom petted the horse for a few minutes, and then she wanted to leave, so we put her back in the car and stopped at Whataburger.  I was pretty disappointed with the 'horse therapy'...we had an appointment, they should  have been expecting u s, but they acted like our presence was a surprise and an imposition. They informed us that m ost of the horses were up the hill under the trees, or something like that, and there was only one who had been in a stall, they only let her head out of the stall for mom to pet at first and we had to request that she be let out the rest of the way. They just didnt' seem to know what they were doing at all. Had no prepared 'patter' about how their program, or how to behave around horses, how to pet them, where to pet them, nothing. It was super bizarre. Hard to believe they are a professional organization that does horse therapy for disabled people. Oh, and no wheelchair accessibility to the barn, mom had to get out and stand on gravel and then we had to manhandle her wheelchair thru the gravel into the barn. She would not have been able to manouver her walker at all.  It was bullshit. Fucking horse people. Bullshitters one and all. What a scam.  

Anyway, Whataburger was good. Mom had  bacon and cheese whataburger and a latte shake, finished the whole burger and most of the shake, and then we drove to her new place. It rained on us on and off through all of this.

We kept mom company in the living room of the home while Holly and the others unpacked her stuff and got it squared away in the room. At one point some 'head nurse' came over and started asking questions. she asked mom if she  knew her name and birthday. I've learned that you have to ask mom one question at a time. Mom just repeated 'birthday' and seemed distressed. Then the nurse was asking me questions about mom's meds and her physical condition and I kept referring her to Holly because I have been in TX this whole time and I have no idea, and the nurse seemed really irritated with me...I don't know if she ever went to talk to Holly or not. seems like the new care team could h ave or should have been in contact with the previous doctors and hopsice workers if they really wanted good information. I didn't want to give her bad information so I didnt' want to answer her questions and she acted like I was stonewalling her... I didnt' think much of her.

Anyway....H. sent me and Thax home to rest and relax (because I was annoying her and being unhelpful, I"m sure, and also because there were just too many people in the room) and she, brother A, aunt L and u ncle B continued to work on the room.

We (Me, sister H, brother A, Thax, Niece) went to fancy supper Wednesday night at perry's steak house in the domain. Loud and crowded, hot and over priced. It wasn't terrible, many of the things were quite good (yes the famous pork chop lives up to the hype) but honestly I have gotten a bit spoiled by cooking at home since the pandemic and I am a damned good cook.  And my neice was somewhat mortified by our sharing tastes with each other and stuff. I mean, she's 15. Everything your parents do (especially your mom) at that age is absolutely mortifying and excruciating.

H. left for home yesterday. Niece will be here til Sunday. We are going out for dinner tonight with everyone to Arpeggio, one of our favorite places.  Not sure what we are doing tomorrow.

I needed my sister's signature on some of my death prep paperwork but couldn't make it happen, I guess i"ll have to mail it to her and have her sign and notarize her signature and then do the rest of the  wittnesses and signatures and notarizing here.

H. worked so hard to plan and make everything happen and it all went very smoothly. I didn't want to add to her tasks by trying to set up a date/time  "in stone" before we got here and got mom settled and everything. I wanted to let her have some breathing room and time to relax and decompress. But of course that means I didn't get my needs met. What the fuck else is new? codependent martyr resentment alert woop woop .   ugggh I disgust myself.  And I feel selfish and horrible because H worked so hard and I just did a little bit of driving and here I am making everyfucking thing about me and my stupid ass. gross. I really am an awful person.

Anyhoo. I had been going back and forth with a temp agency for a job I did an inperson interview for....they kept sending me either a blank employee aggreement or one that said my pay rate was $XX per diem and I kept replying with "I am looking for a per hour pay rate, not a per diem, please," and they just didnt' seem to ever get  it. The final amount ended up being fifty cents less than the recruiter originally quoted me but they did get it squared away. Meanwhile I"m still putting in applications and resumes because I dont' particularly trust these people to actually get their shit together. No start date, which is fairly normal for temp agencies working with an employer to get a bunch of people started at teh same time, but the pay rate thing was ridiculous.

I have been very tired and having awful allergies since I've been back. yesterday I got up at 6 and walked dogs with Thax and then went back to bed. Today I just stayed in bed and told Thax I'd walk them when I got up. Thax was tired too so he went back to bed for a while too, got up at 7 instead of 6.

I am just so fucking done with this whole fucking thing. Giant Meteor, please.

 

Yep. I went away and I don't know when or if I'll ever be back. I spend time wondering if I am the way I am because it's just part of being a person my age and everyone before me felt this way at this age, or if it's the pandemic, the 4 years of Donald fucking Trump, the ongoing trauma and horror of living in a state and a country that doesn't believe I am a human being deserving of rights and dignity and healthcare, that is steadily drifting into fascism and a haves vs have nots that is literally worse than people experienced just prior to the French Revolution......the rich hate us and want us dead--but not before spending our lives in service and payment to them. The Right just hates us and wants us dead. Because Jesus or some shit. It's hard to be alive right now and I am tired of trying to act like everything is normal.

I don't really know what to say on Mother's Day. Never have, really.

I have a mother. And I don't.

Her body is here, her mind is locked away. She says alzheimers, but she recognizes people and can name them. She seems to have trouble forming her ideas into words. Mostly repeats the last words someone said, can reform sentences from "do you want ice cream" to "I want ice cream"  or "do I want ice cream?"  but doesn't volunteer information or say things independently. Mostly. When my stepdad died she got up on her own and walked to the nurse station to tell them. Asked the next day "is my husband still dead," and asked me"are you surprised?" sort of out of the clear blue when I was getting ready to drive back to TX after he passed. I knew she was asking if I was surprised that Greg passed before she did.

This new mom is soft and sweet. She's not the mom I grew up with.   I don't have a lot of memories. Probably because a lot of things that happened were not good things.  I do wish I remembered the good things better. I know there were many.

My mother and my father's mother have things in common that are/were unpleasant. Probably one of the reasons he picked her. She is/was also very beautiful.

No woman can live up to all of the demands society places on women; the judgements and pronouncements and shoulds of Motherhood. It's awful. There's no one right way to do it and so many wrong ways that face such condemnation from everyone. So much competition. Just listening to my ex friend X and her friend Goldrie one upping and shitting on each other in that special 'sweet' way that mothers/women have of shitting on each other with the bless your heart smile on their face. So frenemy. Much wow. So awful. So glad I never entered that particular contest. Being female has been so awful, even without that. Glad I am an old fat neuter now.

I don't really know what to say, or do, or feel, on a day that honors all of the impossible things people expect, society demands, of women who choose to have children. Or are/were compelled to have children under the laws of the time. Goddess help us. So many not suited to bear or raise children and do it anyway.  I wish it wasn't so. 

I hope whatever kind of day you're having,  whoever is reading this , is peaceful and pleasant and uncomplicated. I hope the world gets better for women. I suspect it will not.