evile

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A4U0KBvzi7g

Is there a fire in the sky?
Is there a moon up there?
Is there anything alive now?
This darkness is what I hear

This is a breathless silence
A moment out of time
I see your face in the shadows that tell tale
Signs are in your eyes

More than I can hold in my hands
Running through the cracks like water
Aching with a passion inside
As deep as the river

All desire, the ashes and the fire
Turning this night inside and the light from you
Is there a flame in the dark?
Is there a bright hard star?

These creatures look the same now
We freeze wherever we are
We wake alone in blackness
We sleep wherever we fall

One dream all around us
This big hush infects us all
Holding up on animal fear
Soaking up the waves underwater

Turned to music no one can hear
Forever in this half lit light
All desire, the ashes and the fire
Turning this night inside and the light from you

All desire, the ashes and the fire
Turning this night inside and the light from you
More than I can hold in my hands
Running through the cracks like water

Aching with a passion inside
Deep as the river
All desire, the ashes and the fire
Turning this night inside

All desire the ashes and the fire
Turning this night inside
Turning this night inside
Turning this night inside and the light from you

Today's thought from Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation is:

A tip-off to an abusive family system is a situation in which nobody ever apologizes.

-- Karen Shaud

When we get a tip-off, we can open the door to a whole new way of looking at the world. The tip-off about apologies can help us learn to have a healthier family. It is hard to apologize, but with practice, it will get easier. We are learning that we can make mistakes, and admit them, and that other people will accept our apologies.

In the same way, we are learning we can accept others' apologies. Apologies are sometimes hard to make. It helps to keep in mind that we make them as much for ourselves and our own growth as for the person we apologize to. We are not worthless just because we make mistakes, but we increase our value to ourselves and others by being able to recognize them and apologize.

Is there an apology I need to make today?

You are reading from the book:

Today's Gift by Anonymous

Today's Gift © 1985, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the permission of Hazelden.

Today's thought from Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation is:

That's what happens when you're angry at people. You make them part of your life.

--Garrison Keillor

Our problems with anger and our problems in relationships go hand in hand. Some of us have held back our anger, which led to resentment of our loved ones. Some of us have indulged our anger and become abusive. Some of us have been so frightened of anger that we closed off the dialogue in our relationships when angry feelings came out.

Some of us have wasted our energy by focusing anger on people who weren't really important to us. Do we truly want them to become so important? Yet, perhaps the important relationships got frozen because we weren't open and respectful with our anger. It isn't possible to be close to someone without being angry at times. We let our loved ones be part of our lives by feeling our anger when it is there and expressing it openly, directly, and respectfully to them - or by hearing them when they are angry. Then, with dialogue, we can let it go.

I will be aware of those people I am making important in my life and will grow in dealing with my anger.

You are reading from the book:

Touchstones by Anonymous

Touchstones ©1986, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the permission of Hazelden.

Stop expecting too much from yourself.

--Anonymous

When there is too wide a gap between standards we set for ourselves and our actual achievement, unhappiness follows. If we can't improve the performance, we should lower the demands. When we are true to ourselves, we come to expect only that which we are capable of doing. As we grow each day in recovery, we are able to do more.

What we expect from ourselves can change the next day. It is very important that through our meetings and conversations with fellow members, we keep close tabs on our development. We find out that life is for living, and it is better lived when we do our assignments every day.

We are really never given more than we can do. As long as we have realistic goals, we will be given what we need to succeed.

Today I'll remember that when my expectations are too high, I get stuck and down on myself.

You are reading from the book:

Easy Does It by Anonymous

Easy Does It © 1999 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the permission of Hazelden.

& the person I try very hard not to be. EVER.

A Narcissist’s Love Letter

When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the way I feel when I’m with you. I love myself through you. I love seeing myself through your eyes. I love seeing myself through my eyes imagining how I look through your eyes. I love having someone new to tell my stories to, to express my opinions, and to share my profound theories and beliefs about the important things in life. I love hearing myself say these things as I imagine how they sound to you, and how enthralled with me I imagine you are.

When I say I’m in love with you, I love having someone beautiful to wear, like a new outfit. I love the way you feel on me. I love the way I feel about me when you are with me.

When I say I’m in love with you, I love not being alone. I love not being that tree falling in the forest. I love having a full-time, personal audience.

When I say I’m in love with you I mean I love being your mystery, your riddle, being what keeps you up at night, your obsession. I love being your altar, your sacrament, your icon, your miracle. I love being your answer. I love being the object of your sacrifice. I love being your pain.

When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I’m in love with being your sun, monopolizing your orbit, being your gravity, keeping you drawn back to me no matter how hard you try to jump or fly, keeping you down. Keeping you mine.

When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I’m in love with breathing your air, sucking your blood, eating your dreams. I’m in love with being your drug, your dagger, your suicide note.

When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the story I can tell to my next lover, about my ex-lover, about how beautiful things were, how intense, how storybook, what a couple we were, and how you gradually, inexplicably, painfully, bit by bit, disappeared.

from: http://letmereach.com/2014/02/08/the-real-reason-the-narcissist-comes-back-after-no-contact/

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Depeche Mode - Policy of Truth

Today's thought from Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation is:

Is there any stab as deep as wondering where and how much you failed those you loved?

--Florida Scott Maxwell

Treating our loved ones as we hope to be treated is our assurance against failing them. And if we listen to our inner voice, we'll never falter in our actions toward others. There is always a right behavior, a thoughtful response, and a respectful posture.

Let us be mindful that we're sharing our experiences with others who need the talents we have to offer. It's not by coincidence but by design that we're given opportunities to treat those close at hand in some manner. We'd do well to let the choice be loving.

How we treat another invites like treatment. Actions from our heart will soften our own struggles. Also, spiteful, critical treatment of others will hamper our steps. We teach others how to treat us by our gestures and words.

The inner voice can be heard if I choose to listen. It will never guide me wrongly.

You are reading from the book:

The Promise of a New Day by Karen Casey and Martha Vanceburg

The Promise of a New Day by Karen Casey & Martha Vanceburg. © 1983, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the permission of Hazelden.

Today's thought from Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation is:

To give and to receive are one in truth.

--A Course in Miracles

Giving our love away, honoring someone in need by giving our full attention, will usually bring kindness and concern in return. And unkindness and neglect on our part are likely to result in the same from others. We will usually elicit that which we've so thoughtfully or thoughtlessly given.

Not many elements in our life are so fully in our control as how we choose to treat other people. There are few among us who aren't moved by another's expression of pure, unconditional love. We are humbled by it and feel valued. We can honor the existence of our fellow travelers by our open, willing love for them too.

We need to feel appreciated. And yet, to express appreciation is such a simple act, one that has profound effects for all concerned. Acts of kindness multiply very quickly; we contribute to a world favoring our true humanity when we give out loving thoughts even as we receive them.

I will extend the hand of love to a friend today and thus help to make a better world.

You are reading from the book:

In God's Care by Karen Casey

In God's Care by Karen Casey. © 1991 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the permission of Hazelden.

Today's thought from Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation is:

Doing nothing, that hurts you.

--John Arnold

Doing nothing as a steady diet would wear thin after a while, but doing nothing once in a while is good therapy. We need to let our minds and bodies rest. Being always booked for an activity gives us too little time for reflection about our lives. We have come a long way. Taking the time to appreciate that during our quiet spaces will enhance our self-perception.

Not a one of us has had an unsuccessful life. We may not have accomplished every goal we've set for ourselves but we can believe that we did what really needed to be done by us. There has been a divine plan at work even though we were unaware of it. The same continues to be true. We will be nudged to pursue hobbies or volunteer activities or jobs if that's the plan for us. This certainly takes the guesswork out of our lives. It makes us know we are pretty special, too.

I'll do whatever calls to me today. As long as it's not something that will hurt another person, it will be right.

You are reading from the book:

Keepers of the Wisdom by Karen Casey

Keepers of the Wisdom © 1996 by Karen Casey. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the permission of Hazelden.

Today's thought from Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation is:

Attitudes and Limitations

What we consider our greatest strengths can also be our greatest weaknesses.

Excessive pride in "being able to handle everything," for example, may result in our taking on other people's responsibilities. In "taking over," we often lessen another's desire to meet his or her own obligations.

A boastful "I'll do it myself!" attitude can also mask a desperate feeling of inadequacy. Having a constant drive to prove our worth to others, we may trample on, or ignore, the needs of those around us who are just as eager to exhibit their competency and worth.

What are some other examples of virtues becoming vices?

Determination, to excess, becomes obstinacy and stubbornness. Honesty, when misdirected, is synonymous with gossip and slander. Sympathy and concern, overdone, can cripple and smother.

TODAY I will make a list of ten of my strengths and weaknesses. How has acting on each of these virtues and vices created joy or sorrow in my life? I will be aware that my strengths can be my worst enemies if I abuse them.

You are reading from the book:

The Reflecting Pond by Liane Cordes

The Reflecting Pond by Liane Cordes. © 1981 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the permission of Hazelden.

Current Music: Gregorian - Boulevard of Broken Dreams | Powered by Last.fm

...setting aside our carefulness with each other...

If we cannot tolerate our mistakes, we will never be able to move on from this place. If we do not step up to the plate with bat in hand, we will grow old without knowing what first base is like.

Life is a risk. A committed relationship is a risk. Letting ourselves go, voicing opinions, telling our deepest feelings, playing frivolously at the park, setting aside our carefulness with each other and sometimes falling flat on our faces -- all these things give us the pleasure of being alive. If we insist on playing it safe, then we never feel the thrill of the game. Our lives with each other become flat and empty if we do not take some risks. We have a right to be weak as well as strong; a right to be respected when we feel silly as much as when we appear dignified; a right to say what we believe even if it is half-baked. The greatest mistake is never to engage life.

Think of one thing you would like to do with your partner if you could set aside all judgments and evaluations.

You are reading from the book:

The More We Find In Each Other by Merle Fossum and Mavis Fossum

The More We Find in Each Other by Merle Fossum and Mavis Fossum. © 1992 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the permission of Hazelden.

Healing the Past

We hear much about the long term effects of growing up in a dysfunctional family. Many alcoholics, in fact, have bitter memories of their own parents’ drinking and may feel this caused needless deprivation and misery.

Whether our families were dysfunctional or not, we must agree that most of our parents did the best they could. We cannot bring back the past – nor can they – and it is best released, forgiven, and forgotten. Our wisest course is to use the tools of the program to reach the maturity and well-being that will bring happiness into our own lives. This will not happen, however, if we believe that growing up in a dysfunctional home has left us permanently impaired.

In our fellowship, we can find endless examples of people who used the Twelve Steps to overcome all kinds of emotional and physical disabilities. Just when we start thinking something in our past is a permanent handicap, we meet other people who survived the same bitter experiences and are living life to the fullest. They’ve cleared away the wreckage of their past in order to build wisely for the future.

I’ll remember today that I am not bound or limited by anything that was ever done or said to me. I face the day with self-confidence and a sense of expectancy, knowing that I am really a fortunate person with many reasons to be grateful.

You are reading from the book:

Walk in Dry Places by Mel B.

Walk in Dry Places by Mel B. © 1996 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the permission of Hazelden.

Current Music: Type O Negative - I Don't Wanna Be Me | Powered by Last.fm

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

--Step Nine

When we make amends we need to be clear about what we're apologizing for and the best way to say we're sorry. What we are really doing with our amends is taking responsibility for our behavior. We need to be sure that the process itself will not be self-defeating or hurtful.

Sometimes, we need to directly apologize for a particular thing we have done or our part in a problem. Other times, instead of saying I'm sorry, what we need to do is work on changing our behavior with a person.

There are times when bringing up what we have done and apologizing for it will make matters worse.

We need to trust timing, intuition, and guidance in this process of making amends. Once we become willing, we can let go and tackle our amends in a peaceful, consistent, harmonious way. If nothing feels right or appropriate, if it feels as if what we are about to do will cause a crisis or havoc, we need to trust that feeling.

We deserve to be at peace with ourselves and others.

Today, I will be open to making any amends I need to make with people. I will wait for Divine Guidance in the process of making any amends that are not clear to me. God, help me let go of my fear about facing people and taking responsibility for my behaviors. Help me know I am not diminishing my self-esteem by doing this; I am improving it.

You are reading from the book:

The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

The Language of Letting Go © 1990 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the permission of Hazelden.

Current Mood: pensive
Current Music: Vermillion Lies - No Good | Powered by Last.fm

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Detachment means "freedom from emotion."

Letting someone else's behavior determine how we feel at every turn is irresponsible. Our emotions should be determined by us, not by someone else. But no doubt we have spent years confusing the boundaries that separate us from other people. Whether at work or at home, we have too often let someone else's "insanity" affect how we behave and how we feel.

At first, it may seem insensitive not to react to others' problems or negative behavior. We may fear they'll think we simply don't care about them. Learning that it is far more caring to let other people handle their own lives takes time and patience. But with practice, it will begin to feel comfortable. In fact, in time it will feel freeing and wonderful.

I will work on detachment today, knowing that in time the rewards will come.

You are reading from the book:

A Life of My Own by Karen Casey

A Life of My Own by Karen Casey. © 1993 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the permission of Hazelden.

Current Mood: calm
Current Music: The Dead Milkmen - Bitchin' Camaro | Powered by Last.fm

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Letting Go of Old Beliefs

Try harder. Do better. Be perfect.

These messages are tricks that people have played on us. No matter how hard we try, we think we have to do better. Perfection always eludes us and keeps us unhappy with the good we've done.

Messages of perfectionism are tricks because we can never achieve their goal. We cannot feel good about ourselves or what we have done while these messages are driving us. We will never be good enough until we change the messages and tell ourselves we are good enough now.

We can start approving of and accepting ourselves. Who we are is good enough. Our best yesterday was good enough; our best today is plenty good too.

We can be who we are, and do it the way we do it - today. That is the essence of avoiding perfection.

God, help me let go of the messages that drive me into the crazies. I will give myself permission to be who I am and let that be good enough.

You are reading from the book:

The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

I decided today that I'm going to be done with self-improvement. Who I am today is who I am. And I am a pretty OK person, in spite of (or maybe because of) everything that is broken and wrong with me.

However I do today, it will be the best I can do with who I am and what I have right now. I am not going to scold, berate, or beat myself for being who I am and doing what I do. I am no longer going to tell myself I'm a bad person for liking what I like, wanting what I want, or even for eating the whole goddamn thing. I'm no longer going to tell myself I don't deserve something positive, or that I should be punished for something I did or said, or failed to do or say.

If I am broken and wrong, I will continue to be broken and wrong. And I am going to accept this broken wrong thing and love the hell out of it. Because it's who I am. I'm not going to chase gurus, therapists, doctors, or teachers to show me how not to be broken and wrong. No magic pills, no magic books, no magic words. I'm not going to be perfect, ever, and I'm going to be OK with that from now on.

I'm going to say wrong things. I'm going to do wrong things. I'm going to hurt people and fuck it all up. People I allow and love in my life will do the same to me. We will survive, learn, and grow, each in our own way. I will allow this to happen in myself and others. But I'm not going to push, force, or punish. I am who I am today. You are who you are today. And it is all OK.

(and, just by way of really cool coincidence, this came across my Facebook feed just after I wrote the above words....nice serindipity!)

Current Music: Voltaire - Irresponsible | Powered by Last.fm

Today's thought for Hazelden is:

"Depressions are transition times for me," an older fellow stated. "I look at my lows as a preparation period, an inner time to grow and change even though I'm not consciously aware of what's going on inside me. But I didn't always think this way.

"I used to get terrified when I got into one of those low periods. Every time I did, I questioned everything I ever believed in. I doubted myself and my abilities, my opinions and values, my friends and my boss. Nothing escaped my painful questioning. I thought for sure I was going insane. The pain was so unbearable I wanted to drink, work harder, anything, to distract me from my anguish.

"Now when I get low, I take it more in stride. I think of my depression as part of a natural cycle. Just as nature has its fall, winter, and spring, I, too, have a period of shedding old growth for new growth. I just endure my grey days knowing the sun will shine again just as the trees will bloom after winter. As part of the natural world around me, I, too, have my seasons of joy and sorrow."

Today I will remember that my lows are as natural as my highs. I will not become overwhelmed and exaggerate the significance of my depressions. I will endure patiently, knowing that whatever faces me will pass in time.

You are reading from the book:

The Reflecting Pond by Liane Cordes

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/men-are-victims-too-recognizing-and-dealing-with-abuse-wcz/

[text of article below the cut]

( Read more... )

Disagreement is
not persecution even
though you say it is

You just flood the world
with delusional bullshit
I'm wearing tall boots

striking out at all
how can I have compassion
you won't stop hitting

stop you're hurting me
but it makes me feel better
okay then keep on

why is your pain the
most important thing in our
reality? Why?

I tried to please you
I forgot what pleased myself
empty sad alone

twisted mirror world
you are the thing you hate most
push it off on me

blaming, projection
screaming, shaming and hitting
feeds inner demon

Thing--a tool a toy
was I ever a person
Now an enemy

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Peter Murphy - Cuts You Up

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Let go of resentments

Resentments are sneaky, tricky little things. They can convince us they're justified. They can dry up our hearts. They can sabotage our happiness. They can sabotage love.

Most of us have been at the receiving end of an injustice at some time in our lives. Most of us know someone who's complained of an injustice we've done to him or her. Life can be a breeding ground for resentments, if we let it.

"Yes, but this time I really was wronged," we complain.

Maybe you were. But harboring resentment isn't the solution. If it were, our resentment list would resemble the Los Angeles telephone directory. Deal with your feelings. Learn whatever lesson is at hand. Then let the feelings go.

Resentments are a coping behavior, a tool of someone settling for survival in life. They're a form or revenge. The problem is, no matter whom we're resenting, the anger is ultimately directed against ourselves.

Take a moment. Search your heart. Have you tricked yourself into harboring resentment? If you have, take another moment and let that resentment go.

Grant me the serenity that acceptance brings.

You are reading from the book:

More Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

More Language of Letting Go © 2000 by Melody Beattie. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the permission of Hazelden.

I am fiercely ambivalent about the 'fat acceptance' movement. If you have good self-esteem at whatever size, shape, weight, or age you are, good for you. I don't, never have, and probably never will. But I accept my non-acceptance of my fat and I know with my smart brain that I am no more or less attractive than most, and that I'm basically OK, and who cares.

If you have a body (and if you're reading this, I assume you do), people are going to look at it and have thoughts, feelings, and judgements about it. What you should or should not be wearing, eating, and/or doing with your body, at your weight, at your age, because of your gender. Whatever.

Here's a secret, and a truth, and a freedom: That judgement has nothing to do with you

http://www.buzzfeed.com/sheridanwatson/are-you-my-doctor-then-shut-up-please#.stbvVrXyOp

Current Music: The Sisters of Mercy - Dominion Mother Russia | Powered by Last.fm

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Shriekback - This Big Hush

Today's gift: apologies

Who is living rent-free in my head?

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This reminds me of people I've known.

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Today's gift: amends (apologies)

Today's Gift: Detachment

Todays gift: Letting Go of Old Beliefs

DONE!

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Men Are Victims Too: Recognizing and Dealing With Abuse

these things are addictive like bitter little fortune cookies....

Today's gift: resentments

hmf.

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