I have noticed in the past that one can practically set ones clock by the regular outbursts of drama from disordered, wounded, traumatized people. The cycle is not hard to see, but it's likely very hard to spot if you're in the middle of it, and it's certainly hard to stop once you've started being triggered/triggering yourself. I have compassion. At some point in my past I might have tried to interfere, intervene, egg-on, pile-on, or otherwise contribute to the chaos and misery.

This year I'm just watching.

Person J has something that person A wants; success, a nice website, a good business, the respect of their community, an online presence that people read and enjoy. An assortment of people and property that is desirable and enviable.

Person A sucks up, flatters, emulates, mimics, and mirrors, doing their best to coax and flatter person J so that some of their qualities will reflect positively on Person A, or in hopes that some of J's success and reputation will magically rub off or be absorbed by A. I mean, it's not an entire recipe for failure; one of the steps from the 12 step programs I've been involved with in the past mentions this specifically: Stick with Winners in order to grow. NLP has a similar approach to modeling success--observe people who are successfully achieving things that you yourself aspire to, watch what they do, and use their successful actions as models for building your own success. It's a good strategy.

But then you get the disordered person's inability to self reflect, inability to truly look within and be honest with themselves. They are so fragile, wounded, and traumatized that acknowledging shortcomings or failures would be devastating to them; so they may be able to model some or all of the 'successful' behaviors, but they are not able to see their own self sabotaging, unsuccessful, unproductive behaviors. And without seeing them, they can't even start to try to change them. The good things that happen to them are because they successfully modeled successful adulting, the bad things that happen to them are in the blind spot about their own behavior, so they become 'someone else' doing 'something' to harm them.

I've noticed that in situations where the damaged, traumatized, broken person is having frustration and not experiencing success, they are quick to blame the mentors, or the people they were trying to fit in with, for their failure. All of the blind spots they have about their own behavior, they project on to the people they were admiring and emulating. Their failure cannot be their own fault, it must be because the people they chose to admire are flawed in the exact same way they cannot/will not/refuse to see in themselves.

Every. single. thing. they say at this point to slander and abuse their former idol is true of themselves and their relationshps:

Person A claims that their partner M. hates J because J is the one who yells at him in front of others, harasses him 24/7, and mistreat other people, animals, and property, because A and M are so trauma-bonded, that A cannot see that what A is saying about J is actually true about A. M's existence, relationship, and grasp on sanity is dependent on NOT seeing or recognizing that the behavior attributed to J is actually coming from A, first and worst and for a longer duration than anything J might have ever said or done to M.

At the same time, A is contending with a harsh and cruel inner voice (probably echoes of a parent during their upbringing) chastising them for their behavior. Again, A's ego and trauma do not allow A to perceive this inner voice as a harsh echo from childhood, directed at behaviors that were and are problematic in A. So A flings these harsh inner critic's words at J, the person A admired, then envied, then projected against, and now wants to destroy. "You're not the boss, the world doesn't revolve around you, fits and tantrums aren't going to get you what you want, suck it up, respect is earned," and various other hateful things on endless loop in their own heads, directed from their inner abusive parent against their inner traumatized child.

it's really sad. Honestly.

Current Mood: enthralled

someone blowing up their facebook with facticles and listicles about 'narcissists' and how a 'narcissist' is currently destroying her life.... LOLOLOL. I mean, correct, but not in the way it's being framed in the person's eternal victim mentality. the person is the narcissisist, destroying their own life. If this were a young person with the often stunning lack of self awareness & selfishness of a young person, I'd offer them this advice. But, at 54 years of age, and with a suspicion that this person is actually personality disordered, the possibility of growth and change is very limited. Not sad for them so much as sad for everyone and everything they ruin with their presence and continued self sabotage, inability to reflect, inability to improve, and constant blame & shame game & victim-playing. sad.

https://www.truworthwellness.com/blog/lack-of-self-awareness/

Signs That You Lack Self-Awareness: Understanding Yourself For Personal Growth

Truworth Wellness

Oct 11, 2024 • 5 min read

Self-awareness is a vital trait that allows us to understand our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors and how they impact those around us. It’s the foundation for personal growth, better decision-making, and effective communication. When someone lacks self-awareness, it can lead to misunderstandings, strained relationships, and missed opportunities for improvement.

In this blog, we'll explore common signs of lacking self-awareness and how becoming more aware can enhance your personal and professional life.

1. You Frequently Blame Others for Your Problems

One of the clearest signs of lacking self-awareness is the tendency to blame others for your difficulties. People who are unaware of their role in problems tend to shift responsibility. Whether it’s a failed project at work or a disagreement with a friend, they rarely look inward to assess their behavior.

For instance, if you find yourself saying things like “It’s all their fault” or “They made me feel this way” without ever questioning your actions or reactions, you might be avoiding self-reflection. Self-aware individuals, on the other hand, take ownership of their actions and learn from their mistakes.

2. You Struggle to Take Constructive Criticism

When someone offers you feedback, how do you react? If you find yourself becoming defensive, dismissive, or even angry when receiving constructive criticism, it’s a sign that you may lack self-awareness. Self-aware individuals accept feedback as an opportunity for growth.

Those lacking self-awareness tend to perceive criticism as a personal attack, which makes them resistant to change. Being open to feedback is crucial for personal development, and acknowledging our weaknesses is the first step toward improvement.

3. You Have Poor Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation refers to how well you manage and respond to your emotions. If you often feel overwhelmed, react impulsively, or find it difficult to control your emotions, it may be a sign of low self-awareness. For instance, you might snap at someone for a minor inconvenience or feel stressed without knowing why.

Self-aware individuals are more in tune with their emotions and can identify their triggers. They understand how their emotions affect their behavior and can regulate their responses accordingly. Without this awareness, emotions can dominate your actions, leading to irrational decisions and strained relationships.

4. You’re Often the “Victim” in Your Stories

If you constantly see yourself as the victim in your life’s narrative, it could be a sign that you lack self-awareness. People who are unaware of their own flaws or contributions to problems tend to feel that life happens to them, rather than taking control of their circumstances.

Statements like “Why does this always happen to me?” or “I’m always treated unfairly” reflect a victim mentality. While everyone faces challenges, self-aware individuals focus on what they can control, rather than feeling powerless or blaming others.

5. You Have a Hard Time Empathizing with Others

Empathy is a key aspect of emotional intelligence, and without self-awareness, it’s difficult to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. People who lack self-awareness struggle to understand the feelings or perspectives of others, often dismissing or invalidating them.

For example, if a friend is upset and you respond with, “You’re overreacting” or “It’s not that big of a deal,” you’re not considering their emotional state. Self-aware individuals are more likely to be empathetic, as they can understand how their own emotions work and are more attuned to others’ experiences.

6. You Struggle to Recognize Patterns in Your Behavior

If you find yourself repeating the same mistakes, it could be a sign of low self-awareness. Lacking the ability to recognize patterns in your behavior means you might not be learning from past experiences. This can apply to various aspects of life, such as repeating the same type of conflict in relationships or consistently underperforming at work without understanding why.

Self-awareness helps you identify these patterns and take steps to break the cycle. Without it, you’re likely to repeat the same behavior, expecting different results.

7. Your Relationships are Strained

Personal and professional relationships require clear communication, empathy, and understanding—traits that are closely linked to self-awareness. If you notice that your relationships are often marked by conflict or misunderstandings, it could be a sign that you lack self-awareness.

People who are unaware of how their behavior affects others might unintentionally come off as insensitive or unapproachable. They might also fail to see how their actions contribute to the deterioration of the relationship. Self-aware individuals, on the other hand, are better at navigating social dynamics and maintaining healthy relationships.

Do You Over-Analyze Everything? How It Affects Your Work Life?

8. You Have Unrealistic Expectations

Having unrealistic expectations of yourself and others is another sign of low self-awareness. This can manifest in two ways: either setting impossibly high standards for yourself or expecting others to meet your needs without clearly communicating them.

For instance, you might expect others to know how you’re feeling without expressing it or assume that everyone should meet your standards. This lack of realistic thinking can lead to disappointment and frustration. Self-aware individuals understand their own limitations and communicate their needs effectively, creating healthier expectations for themselves and others.

9. You Avoid Self-Reflection

Do you find yourself avoiding time alone with your thoughts? If you tend to distract yourself with activities, social media, or other forms of entertainment to avoid self-reflection, it might be a sign that you lack self-awareness.

Self-reflection is a powerful tool for growth, as it allows you to analyze your actions and emotions, and consider how you can improve. Avoiding this introspection can prevent you from recognizing your flaws, weaknesses, or areas where you need to grow.

10. You’re Stuck in Your Comfort Zone

A lack of self-awareness often keeps people in their comfort zones, afraid to try new things or take risks. This fear of failure or judgment can stem from an inability to objectively assess your strengths and weaknesses. Without self-awareness, you might convince yourself that it’s safer to stay where you are, rather than stepping out and growing.

Self-aware individuals are more willing to take risks, as they understand both their capabilities and their areas for improvement. They also recognize that growth often requires stepping outside their comfort zone.

Practice These Self-Improvement Techniques At Work

How to Develop Self-Awareness?

If you recognize some of these signs in yourself, don’t worry—self-awareness is a skill that can be developed over time with effort and practice. Here are some ways to improve your self-awareness:

Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness involves paying attention to your thoughts and feelings without judgment. This practice helps you become more aware of your emotions and how they influence your behavior.
Ask for feedback: Sometimes, we can’t see ourselves clearly, but others can. Don’t be afraid to ask trusted friends, family members, or colleagues for feedback on your behavior and how it affects others.
Reflect regularly: Set aside time each day or week to reflect on your actions, emotions, and reactions. Journaling can be a great tool for this.
Seek professional help: Therapy or coaching can provide valuable insights into your behaviors and patterns that you may not be aware of.

Becoming more self-aware is a journey, not a destination. By recognizing the signs of low self-awareness and taking steps to improve, you’ll set yourself on a path toward better relationships, greater emotional regulation, and personal growth.

In conclusion, self-awareness is a crucial aspect of personal development. When you lack it, you may struggle with relationships, emotional regulation, and personal accountability. By recognizing these signs and making an effort to grow, you can enhance your self-awareness and improve various aspects of your life

I dreamed I was driving my VW Bug to Indiana to be with my sister. I didn't have my husband or dogs with me, but my brother was with me. I had a sense the dream was taking place in the future.

We got to the outskirts of my sister's town, where a couple of highways cross each other. There were boxes all along the side of the road with shipping labels on them, like the trucks hauling them had just dumped the boxes out on the side of the highway. People were starting to come along and loot the boxes, one lady saying she was taking a set of dining room chairs and table because she was obeying litter clean up laws?

Then I was in a women's shelter/call center. Apparently we had to work all day in order to keep staying there. There were boxes of 'charitable donations'--ratty clothes that everyone dug through and put on in layers to keep warm. One of the other women was kind of scolding/joking about a sweater I'd picked up that she had wanted for herself.

It was a very bleak dream.

Decent day at work today; first group meeting with an onsite manager who was just hired as a manager for the department which hired us temps/contractors. This suggests to me that perhaps this work we were hired on to do as a project will become a new 'business unit' with him as our local leadership, and some/all of us will be hired on permanently. I like the work and I like my coworkers. I don't think the new manager particularly cares for my style of interaction, but I think my results speak for themselves. note to self: shut the hell up in future team meetings. Head down, work hard, keep up pleasant interactions with the high level big-money individuals I was hired to speak with, and keep completing work at a good pace, on time, and high quality.

The building's property management co. catered lunch for all the building tenants today; it was from Peached Tortilla. Pretty good. Kind of wierd. mexican/asian fusion. good chicken. wierd baked cauliflower--lots of salt and I think nutmeg (??!?). Generic tortillas that seemed like they came from a package. Decent sauces.

I had tried to get everyone to wear a tacky Xmas sweater today and take a group photo; I was mildly successful at herding some of the cats. It was fun, anyway. I like all of my coworkers very much; they are all very smart, nice, funny, and hard working people. Some of them are so smart and quick that I think they are getting a little bored because they've done all of the data gathering stuff and are just trying to get ahold of the people at the company that we have to talk to to confirm our information is correct/current. And that's a frustrating sticking point for a lot of folks. I've had decent luck with most of my assigned bigwigs. A couple of jerks, but mostly good people. Once they figure out I'm nice to talk to, pretty smart, and won't waste their time, they are usually OK to schedule calls with a second/third/etc. time. Getting that first meeting is tough.

Another contractor/coworker has been taking a data analyst boot camp course that will be completed end of January. She has already received two job offers; one at 'Austin HQ fruit' company hybrid $50/hr. The other she didn't say what the company is but it's fully remote, $56/hr. I may have to look into this course. She is an Excel whiz kid and I am not, but it may be something I can do adequately, if not as fast and clever as she does. If the industry is that hot, even the slowest kid in class might have a shot at a good job. I am accurate. And speed generally comes with repetition. I'm getting faster at the data gathering part of this job; it still takes me longer than it seems to take anyone else, though. Oh well. I'm pluggin away and getting things done within the required time frame, and any hold ups are coming from not being able to pin down a meeting.

Anyhoo....Life is OK. Everything that is within my control to keep on track and pleasant and working properly is doing so. The country, the state, and the world are out of my control and worryng isn't productive.

I'm buying extra coffee and dog food every trip to the grocery store. I will probably start stocking up on veggies too. frozen and or canned. sigh.

Thinking of taking my mom on a drive through trail of lights either this weekend or next; we'll get drive thru fast food on the way. I havent' gone to see her in a couple of weeks and apparently it's distressing my aunt, who sees her daily. I don't think my mom cares one way or the other, but I dont want to upset my aunt, who in hindsight has been a better mom to me for most of my life than my bio mom ever was. So...once more through the FOG, my friends. lol ...fog fog, my entire life, and all of my family relaitonships...nothing but fog. lololol.

Current Mood: busy

By: Virginia Woolf

Whatever happens, stay alive.

Don't die before you really die.

Don't lose yourself, don't lose hope, don't lose direction.

Stay alive with flesh and soul, with every cell of your body, with every fiber of your skin.

Live, learn, study, think, read, build, invent, create, speak, write, dream, design.

Stay alive, stay alive inside yourself, stay alive outside yourself, fill yourself with the colors of the world, fill yourself with peace, fill yourself with hope.

Stay alive with joy.

There is only one thing that you should not take away from life and that is life itself.

Current Mood: melancholy

A friend is trying to get together a group of white women to read a book and talk about racism & feminism in America, specifically white women and their racism and internalized misogyny that ends up excluding women of color and other women from 'the feminist struggle' or...whatever, ya know.

here is one reply to the book she recommended:

I’m curious to know if this book shames people for being white? I’ve just found that seems to be a common theme around “white privilege” and I have a hard time getting on board with that. I refuse to grovel or beg for forgiveness for the color of my skin, just as it would be wrong to ask POC’s to do that. I’m all for equality, but not at the expense of bringing others down. I’m all about lifting all of us up.

and

I’m interested in reading the book. I hope it gives a clear definition and examples of exactly what white provelige is so I can better understand it.

My feeling on the matter is that EVERYONE, regardless of skin color, has privileges and disadvantages, and that playing the comparison game is a slippery slope. My concern is that having an “us vs them” mentality perpetuates this “grass is always greener” mentality that doesn’t actually solve the problem of racism.

Further, some of the most racist people I know are people of color and minorities. I wonder if people aligning with these ideas of privilege exclude themselves from the equation, shirking any responsibility to behave better themselves, or instead put all of the responsibility on “white” or non minority people?

These questions aren’t geared towards you, but rather, towards the movement as a whole.

================
my response:

I cannot roll my eyes big enough, hard enough, or loudly enough to respond to any critique of social justice that begins with "they want me to be ashamed of my [race/gender/privilege]!!!"

I mean, yeah, that false narrative probably caused a lot of young men to vote against their own interests because they have an idea that feminism, or a strong and competent woman in charge of the country, is somehow a rebuke against maleness....it's a knee jerk, immature response that only harms oneself.

When someone tells you that your behavior, thoughts, attitudes, and words are harmful, racist, sexist, 'privileged' etc...they are offering you some grace. They are offering you a chance to look at yourself honestly and FIX YOUR SHIT. They are telling you that they VALUE the connection and also think you have some things to work on.

They are not writing books or making posts or proposing legislation to 'make you ashamed' or 'attack' you...they are saying "hey, we are trying to have an equitable society/relationship/organization here, can you please examine your behavior and the underlying beliefs and see if you can see where it's a problem for people who are not like you, when you think and believe and behave in these ways?"

If you've ever been in a toxic relationship, you know that at some point, if the toxicity isn't addressed and fixed, the next step is resentment, silence, and distance. The door closes. The connection ends. Those connections won't fix themselves, we have to work to maintain and improve our relationships and our society and ourselves.

No one is 'attacking' you.. No one is trying to make you feel 'shame'....they are saying their truth and their lived experience. If you aren't the person who directly harmed them they aren't taking you, personally, to task for it. But if you have engaged in such behavior with others, maybe it's time to self examine and make amends if you can. If that person didn't just offer silence and distance in the face of your toxicity.

I guess....in other words...stop centering yourself in everyone's struggle for racial, gender, etc. equality. it's not about YOU and your FEEFEES. It's about creating a more fair world for everyone.

I am really just too angry and sharp to interact with other white women these days. I just don't have it in me to lead anyone patiently to a place where they can acknowledge their privilege honestly and open their eyes and ears to other people's stories without going "oh poor me, everyone is blaming meeeee for their problems!"...

this btw, definitely hits up against some of the more problematic 'family of origin' bullshit I've had to deal with....calling out people for being awful leads to them doing big drama and somehow you end up caretaking the people who have harmed you for hurting their feelings by calling them out on it....it's so fucked up and I just can't. I can't. fuckem. I can't. I won't.

Movie I hate:

Movie I find overrated:

Movie I think is underappreciated:

Movie I love:

Movie I can watch over & over again:

Movie that made me love horror:

Movie I wish I made:

Movie that changed my life:

Movie that scared me:

Movie that surprised me:

Guilty Pleasure:

Movie I should have seen but haven't: Wicked

Movie I will never watch:

Movie that made me like musicals: The Big Lebowski

Movie that always makes me laugh:

So I just finished The Sparrow, by Mary Doria Russell.

I don't think I liked it very much, but I did finish it because I wanted to find out how it ended or how it resolved.

This book unfolds very slowly; you're told at the beginning that the protagonist is the only survivor of a failed mission to an alien world, and then the rest of the book introduces you to the doomed characters and eventually gets around to how they die.

It does keep you reading, because as a reader you are curious to see how things fall out.

There are some interesting parallels to the true history of some Christian/Catholic missionaries in the past. To be sure, in the end most indigenous cultures suffered and died horribly for their meeting with the European colonizers, but there are stories of individual priests who were tortured and killed horribly in the name of spreading the word of God to various savage tribes. The fate of the the main character does echo these historical accounts very admirably. And, as I'm sure one does, a person of faith would find their relationship to their God tested and perhaps abolished by such suffering in His name. Martyrs and saints find meaning in their suffering by saying they are doing it 'for god' or in witness of god's glory, or to echo the suffering and death of their main god-figure, Jesus Christ.

In the end, it speaks to all humans' struggle to find meaning and purpose in the cruelty and suffering they experience in trying to live their lives and be good people... is it better because God willed it and/or let it happen? Or is that worse, to know that an omnibenevolent, omnipotent being saw them suffering and didn't do anything to stop it? Or is it more bearable to cease belief in such a being and just resign oneself to the idea that stuff happens, often for no reason, and beings suffer and die to no greater purpose or spiritual glory? It's a good question and worth considering.

I also found a kind of satisfaction in seeing the Eden myth almost turned on its head; in the biblical story of Adam and Eve, humans were given a perfect garden and commanded to be its stewards. They broke a rule and were expelled from the garden. In this book, the creation of gardens, the intentional cultivation of food, breaks the social order of the peaceful and pleasant world the humans find and may ultimately end that civilization completely, bringing the human condition of poverty, homelessness, starvation, overpopulation, etc. to beings who had already solved those problems--perhaps in a brutal way, but again, this brings into question the meaning of suffering and death. Is widespread planetary suffering to no purpose other than some invisible being's 'glory' and 'will' better or worse than a planet in balance, enforced and controlled by the predatory dominant species of the planet? What suffering and death is acceptable, what is unacceptable, and who decides?

It was a slow slog to bring the past and present threads together, and the ending was ultimately unsatisfying, but these thoughts and questions sparked by the reading will stick with me for a while.

https://78notes.blogspot.com/2006/09/tarot-court-queen-of-swords.html

The Queen of Swords type of person isn't easy to love, or even like. She's not nice. But she's militantly kind and decent; she will fight for what she believes is right with every last ounce of strength and conviction she has. She has strong notions of right and wrong, she will protect those she sees as weak and helpless, she is a fighter and you want her on your side. You just probably won't want to be around her when she gets up on her high horse about something....she is insufferable in a lot of ways. And note I said she is implacable in defending what she believes to be right and true, and those she believes are weak or helpless...those she is defending and protecting may even find her irritating as she's sticking up for them. She's a true prickly person....I'm pretty ambivalent bout Queen of Swords type women. I think I may be one at times... definitely related to one or two.

https://78notes.blogspot.com/2006/09/tarot-court-queen-of-pentacles.html

Queen of Pentacles is the type of person I aspire to be and probably am able to fake like I am a lot of the time. The down side of Queen of Pentacles? Lazy. materialistic. overly concerned with appearances and the opinions of others. dogmatic. stubborn. hung up on etiquette and propriety over relating to others as humans/flawed. Selfish. Occasionally keenly aware and resentful of the perception of themselves as being competent, confident, giving, and capable....sometimes just want to say fuck it and stop all of the cooking, cleaning, doing, and giving and let someone else do it... but of course they never do. And people tend to not just be ungrateful, but also hateful, towards women who give off this air of being 'large and in charge' --like, I've got my own money, my own house, a good job, I can keep a decent home when I put effort into it, I'm a good cook, a good hostess, a pleasant entertainer....and I am aware that people think I'm stuck up, fake, 'rub peoples noses in it', 'showing off' etc....which in the past has hurt me when all I was trying to do was be kind and share good things with people I cared about.

so....anyway....just random sparks of thought and emotion poking around in my head today; I am not a 'woo woo' person but I do believe there is some wisdom to having a common language of types/symbols to explore and discuss these things within that framework and hopefully build some understanding of myself and others using the symbolism of tarot, or astrology, or whatever woo woo is around to help put images and words to the feelings and experiences one has .. ... bla bla

Current Mood: calm

You are awakening to the

same country you fell asleep to.

The very same country.

Pull yourself together.

And,

when you see me,

do not ask me

"What do we do now?

How do we get through the next four years?"

Some of my Ancestors dealt with

at least 400 years of this

under worse conditions.

Continue to do the good work.

Continue to build bridges not walls.

Continue to lead with compassion.

Continue the demanding work

of liberation for all.

Continue to dismantle broken systems,

large and small.

Continue to set the best example

for the children.

Continue to be a vessel of nourishing joy.

Continue right where you are.

Right where you live into your days.

Do so in the name of

The Creator who expects

nothing less from each of us.

And if you are not "continuing"

ALL of the above,

in community, partnership, collaboration?

What is it you have been doing?

What is it you are waiting for?

- Venice Williams:

been cleaning the kitchen all morning. like, deep cleaning, going thru cabinets, getting rid of shit kind of cleaning.

It's a lot. I'm not very far along. but what I've gotten done looks and feels good. Emotionally if not physically. My right foot is having a lot of pain, mostly in the bottom of my heel. Feels bruised. Plantar Fasciitis (sp?) is what Dr. Google says it probably is.

we had a contractor in the house all morning installing the floor in the front room. We have a double pocket door on order that we are meeting a contractor this afternoon to get a quote on installing. Our floor guy knows the door guy so they'll work together and then the last part of the floor that meets the door frame can get finished up and then it'll be a room! yay.

My sister H. is visiting next week; I want her to see the room and our house as a viable place for our mom to live if needed. I hope she'll decide that Mom is ok where she is, but if that doesn't happen, I hope she'll feel that it's a good idea to keep mom near most of her family rather than back to IN where she only has my sister, brother in law, and niece. My sister has a better support system for herself than I do, or than we do here in our house...so it's going to be stressful either way. H. has training and experience in elder care. I don't know what's best for mom and she can't speak or decide for herself anymore, so this is all very hard.

I have a coworker who is a notary. I'm going to touch base with her to find out when she plans to be in the office again and see about getting a couple of coworkers to be witnesses for all my death stuff. There's only one form (disposal of body, I think?) that needs my 'agents' to sign as well (Sister H. and or husband Thax) plus the two witnesses and notary. so hopefully we can get that squared away while she's here too

She wants to go do 'fun' stuff. i don't know what is fun here anymore. I don't really do fun. I get up, walk dogs, go to work, walk dogs, cook supper, watch TV, go to bed. I smile and laugh at the dogs when they are sweet and cute. I've been vacant/checked out mostly since 2016. I miss me. I miss connection. I don't know how to do it anymore.

I am going to stay away from Facebook for a while if I can. I'm also on Fark. I will try to stay away from that too.

News is going to happen whether I see it or not.

i am thinking of re-reading some good and hopeful books that I remember as being good when I read them: Chronicles of Narnia, Wrinkle in Time (will I be able to get past or tolerate the christian themes now that I know they are there?). And Gate to Womens Country by Sheri S. Tepper. Feminist Utopia where the barbarian male hordes are left to play Mad Max while women live in safe peaceful civilized women-ruled walled compounds sounds kinda good right now, not gonna lie.

Best hopes, sadly:

1) he is old, unhealthy, stupid, and lazy. He will want to play golf and have events where he is surrounded by cheering crowds. He does not want to do any work. He just wants praise, money, and attention. He just wants to indulge all of his vile habits, whatever they may be, without limit or censure. (Think Jabba the Hutt on his party barge. I mean, yeah some people die for his amusement but it's not an organized systematic thing. Just the passing whims of a cruel and stupid creature.) Narcissist abusers do not understand or respect limits of any kind, his habits will advance the pace of natural age and he may not have 4 years left in him.

2) he is surrounded by incompetent, greedy assholes who will be backstabbing each other to try and get on top of the dog pile and get him to rubber stamp THEIR version of fascism. He enjoys pitting his underlings against each other and creating drama. Hopefully with enough infighting, little will be actually done. Lots of backstabbing, lots of 'trusted advisors' failing purity tests and being ousted, lots of chaos. Maybe not as much chaos as first term--he has Project 2025 opportunists backing him this time and they may be able to enforce some discipline.. Hope not, because that means more people dying sooner, BUT. it's possible.

3) his successor/VP is a creepy, awkward wierdo. He does not have the charisma or crowd pull that El Stinko Naranja Pendejo does. He may be a more disciplined fanatic christofascist, but he doesn't have the personal qualities to hold the regime together. And I can't think of any other right wing crazy who has the kind of celebrity power/charisma/draw that El Stinko does, so he's got no successor.

I'm not saying it's not going to be bad, but the faster we can run this evil bullshit thru the "kristallnacht to self-offing in a bunker" chain of events the better for the rest of humanity.

The 4th reich lasted 12 years. The American civil war lasted 4.

OTOH, you have Putin's kleptocrat oligarchy holding steady since 1999 and Iran's theocracy has been in power since 1979.

It's sad that America's fascist phase will probably only be curbed by the infighting between the Oligarchs and the Theocrats disagreeing on who to persecute first and worst and how to run the concentration camps/prison work farms.

The religious fanatics want everyone not like them DEAD, period, the end. These are the people pushing for End of Days and Jesus to come back and take them to Heaven. They are happy to burn it all down. See: Dominionist. also: Emmanetize the Eschaton.

The Oligarch/Billionaires know they need slaves to pick the crops and fix the machines and create more wealth for themselves. They might not want to end the world as badly or as soon as the religious wackos do. Or, let me say, ending the world is not their end goal, but they don't really care as long as they're rich and own everything.

Here in TX, I remember the 'bidness Republicans' used to run things. It was dishonest and crappy--good ol boy network, open bribery, etc. but some of the worst right-wing impulses could be curbed by the possibility that the state would lose business and lose money if they caved to the worst of the hard right christian extremist bullshit.

BUT I think the last 'bidness' governor in TX was Rick Perry and the last sane TX Speaker was Joe Straus and we've gone downhill towards the Bible-and-wife beaters since then. They don't care if persecuting people will lose them the Big Sports Ball Event or Big Tech Headquarters or Big Manufacturing Plant. So...TX is slowly failing as a 'bidness' state and I think that is a good indicator of the way Amerikkka will go as well, if the religious wing of the party gains the most influence over El Stinko.

It is sad and scary that the honest only best hope I have in this moment is that the bad guys will eat each other alive before they can hurt the rest of us too much.

But I trust there will be plenty of suffering and death to go round before it's all done.

But, hey. Don't cry at home, cry at work and get paid to cry!

Current Mood: pessimistic

I had a dream on or around Halloween, which is also near my stepdad G's birthday (oct 28)

It started with me in the living room of our greencastle house (but not actually how it was, just kind of the dream version of it), I was making out with one of my old Bookstop coworkers who I'd had a crush on back in the day.

My mom kept going back and forth between the kitchen and the computer/art/work room., puttering in the kitchen,typing stuff on the computer, and every time she'd come through we'd stop.

Eventually he left.

My dad G. came home and started talking with Mom about his day, and his dr.appointment and this and that. I went in and gave him a hug and told him how much I love and miss him. He said "Now, now, Daughter. No tears. It has been the joy of my life caring for your mother and you kids,"

I don't know if I am writing down the words in the right order, but that's the gist of it. I cried anyway even though he told me not to. I miss him so much. I'm glad he's not in pain and glad he's not having to see the political shit show go down...but damn I miss him.

here in RL, I have reached out to my OK family to see about finally selling my bio-dad's property in OKC. I would be splitting the money from the sale 4 ways - my aunt C, my cousin J (her son, my dad's nephew), my cousin L (her daughter, my dad's niece) and me. Zillow says it's worth about 200,000, so 60K to my aunt for taking care of the property and being the executor, and then the rest to us 'kids'.

We are having new flooring put in the front room. The contractor comes tomorrow for that. We are also ordering pocket doors; he says he knows 'a door guy' who can install those for us, too. We are going to make it up into a guest room/sitting/library sort of space and leave plenty of room in case my sister H. decides it would be a good idea to move Mom in and have her estate pay my brother A to be her fulltime care giver.

Colorado is safely blue for now; I am wondering maybe if my husband won't entertain the idea of moving to Belize, maybe we could go to CO? We have a friend there with a big old house; she is lonely and sad and told us we'd be welcome any time.... I wonder if she'd offer us a place to land if we had to?

Mom has no current ID or passport; I don't think we could move her to Belize.

I hate this.

I hate this.

I hate this.

OH! but just an aside, I've started taking CBG and it seems to be helping with the crushing depression. I have regular sad but not The Nothing. For now. It tastes terrible. but it works. :/

2024 election is in the bag.

Here in TX, we are stuck with Rafael "Turd" Cruz for another term; I still believe with all my heart that Rolando Pablos, the Sec of State at the time, fixed the 2018 race for him, or else Beto would have won. That sorry ass cockroach left office shortly after the 2018 elections and now he's running for mayor of San Antonio.

And Donald Fucking Trump is our next president. Goddamn it so much. How the FUCK people watched that shambling, shitting, mumbling, ranting, hateful, stupid racist fuckhead wander weakly all over America, not knowing where he was, simulating oral sex on an invisible microphone and thought "now there's a leader!"--I mean, WHAT THE FUCK. Oh, and did I mention? He's a convicted rapist, a convicted felon, and there are credible allegations he's also a pedophile. What a shitshow.

Goddamn it people.

See ya in the camps, I guess.

It is too much to hope that he'll croak before next year; both his parents, despite looking like The Living Dead, his mom was 88 and his dad was a demented 93 when he finally passed....

Rubber meets the road, I really can't see myself going to Belize without my husband or family.. so here I am. As a white middle aged infertile woman in a heterosexual marriage, I probably will survive :/ I kinda don't want to. I feel pretty fucking done.

Current Mood: numb

"People think that sadness is crying, the breakdown, the absolute agony of the heart. But sadness is quieter than that. It's the slow sinking feeling, the hollow ache in your chest, the dull numbness that settles over you like a thick fog. It’s going to bed at night and hoping you don’t wake up, or waking up and wishing you hadn’t. It's the realization that no matter how much you want things to change, some things are forever broken, and no amount of time will ever make them whole again."

– Beau Taplin

It's the weekend. Sleeping in, visiting mom, red light, some dog walking, and trying to make headway on emptying the tent room for a flooring project....

I am trying to stay busy and do good things....but I am sad and mad and mean all the time. I really don't like myself much and I don't think I am doing or being anything worthwhile.

everything is kind of a holding pattern. no future plans or hopes or dreams or anything. waiting to die. it's taking too fucking long. wishing I could get my declutter going so that the people who have to clean up after I'm gone won't have such a miserable job of it

the only thing I do 'for me' is red light, and most weekends I don't go.

and I feel bad and stupid and selfish for thinking that I want to or 'should' do more for just me....and I don't even know what I could or should do for myself that would feel nice instead of like a waste of time and money that I could or should be using for something else.

darkness.

Current Mood: morose

Well, I took on a 6 month contract that started FINALLY in mid-Aug. There were a few weeks between the offer and actually starting the job; I was starting to think it had been some kind of scam. But I've gotten two paychecks now so I think it's a real job.

I am one of 15 people they hired for a new project gathering information into giant ugly excel workbooks for eventual conversion to yet another database in a company that seems extremely database-heavy. Not all divisions of the company use all the databases so apparently there's information in one place that people in another unit never see and it creates confusion and upset when people who 'should' know this-or-that are bothering the people in charge of client service with silly questions. Or something.

Anyway....I am learning a LOT. (Pivot tables! eeps) and I feel like everyone in my group is much smarter than me. I think I may be among the three oldest people hired for the project, so that's kind of a wierd feeling. But everyone is very nice, very smart, and super helpful when I get stuck. And I am not getting stuck much anymore. The first few days of training, I was just like "Lord god almighty what have I gotten myself into??!?" and a couple of times I felt overwhelmed and wanted to quit. But I've stuck with it and I am finding that I'm pretty good at this job once I've gotten the hang of 'where to look for what information' and 'how to navigate crazy intricate excel sheets'.... but it's been taking up a lot of my bandwidth. I dont' have as much time to whine on FB or read Dreamwidth or post self pitying nonsense, which is all good.

I am feeling challenged, but energetic.

I don't love commuting to an office 3 days a week, but we do get monday and friday to work from home.... I am starting to have thoughts of 'what if I get a permanent offer here,"....*shrug* I am not going to make any plans along those lines. I was out of work from april 1 to mid august, my savings are a little bit low. I'm mostly going to refill my reserves and make sure I have money for property tax.

My car had expensive repairs.... husband picked up the tab for that. He feels OK about it. I don't.

My sister is having a lot of second thoughts about the place she picked for Mom, of the several places she sent me to check out .....I thought it was pretty good but apparently one of the owners is a dick. She wants to move Mom back to IN and care for her full time. I don't honestly see that as being do-able, but she's the POA and all of that, she has a degree in social work and has worked in elder care, so if that's what she decides, that's what will happen. Mom's health is holding steady. My aunt L. visits her every day to read her romance novels, my brother A visits every other day and they watch movies. I visit on weekends and bring my little dog and something sweet (donuts usually)... I feel pretty useless and boring sitting with her, but that's what we do now.

anyhoo...that's my life. work taking up most of my time and brain. Nothing social to speak of.....in a way I miss having friends, but if I'd ever been a good enough friend, I wouldn't be alone now, now would I? So. For the best. No travel plans or cruises to look forward to. I remember I used to cope with life by keeping busy and having plans. Now I just do the daily-walk dogs, go to work, come home, cook, walk dogs, tv, sleep. and keep everything small and plain. I don't hate it. It's just....not very interesting to talk about with anyone. But there's no one to talk about it with, so it all works out.

is in the bag. The first day was nice; they had the training room set up with notebooks, pens, highlighters, sticky notes, hand sanitizer, and lanyards. (They also fed us breakfast [donuts] and lunch [pizza and soft drinks]) Then we got temp badges and got through a lot of onboarding paperwork (all documents we filled and signed electronically and sent via email, no paper!) , then we got our computers. They walked us through sign on, had us open all the web pages and apps we'd be using to make sure we had access, made notes of who did not have access, we saved bookmarks in a uniform fashion, got an overview of the work and met the team, it was really good onboarding. We will get personalized badges in 7-10 days and then we'll have to turn in our temp badges. The badges let us in to everything in all the buildings that regular employees get to do, break rooms, conference rooms, printers, gym (!!), everything. We are invited and encouraged to join 'Teams' that ar relevant to our interests, such as 'veterans' or 'lgbt' or 'women in business,' or whatever. Such a change from the temp agencies I've been with that were very careful to clarify that we are contractors and therefore unwelcome in certain spaces and not allowed to use certain workplace perks.

Once we are settled in, this will be a 'hybrid remote' - Monday and Friday at home, Tuesday-Thursday in-office. Hours are flexible within building hours (7am-6pm) and generally people are there 8-5, but team leads are all over the country so at some point some of the people with east coast and west coast based team leads may end up adjusting. The training week was not a full 40 hours. And commuting & polluting is not my favorite activity, but it was OK. Most days the drive took about 20 min each way. Not awful. My work space is nice, open and pleasant, but not *too* open, I have my own space and it's quiet. It is spreadsheet heavy so the work laptop is not going to cut it for working from home, so I'll need to find a keyboard, mouse, and big monitor. We had many extras here at teh house for some years but finally took them to donate a few months ago of course. Ah well. I googled and discovered Goodwill Computer Works is not a thing anymore. dang it.

Tuesday thru Friday we were introduced to the spreadsheets and work process. Today we put it all together and worked an entire spreadsheet to completion. Next step once the spreadsheet is filled with all the information we can glean from internal company resources, we are expected to have a 'call' with the 'account owner' to work out details and confirm the info we have. These are super serious bigwigs, like the Account Exec for a big company like Amazon or whatever....I'm a bit intimidated on that step. Hopefully by the time we get to our first 'call' I will have a better idea of what the hell I'm talking about.

Day 2 I was feeling so overwhelmed I considered quitting. Because of course, after being out of work for months, I got a call from another staffing agency Monday afternoon with a fully-remote opportunity. dang it.

This assignment will last 6 months at minimum but it seems likely to go on, if the company has budget and interest for it.

so far I like the culture and the attitude of the people in the company, and all of the other contractors are very smart and capable. So that's nice. I've been remote since 2020 so it's a change. But i am adjusting OK. And the money is more than I've ever made in my life, so that's super cool.

Had a fussy morning with the husband; he needed something from the medicine cabinet and couldnt' find it and fussed at me about it. I guess my brother borrowed it and didn't replace it? I don't know. It had been just sitting up there for years and as far as I know never used, so if my brother needed it and I gave it to him....*shrug* So I went to the store today and bought 3 more , they can sit in the cabinet for the next 10 years not being used. Fuck it.

We had 'potato bar' for supper last night. Baked potatoes in instant pot and then bacon bits, sour cream, butter, chives, cheesy broccoli,etc. out on the table to put on them as each person wants. Thax cut his potato in half and I thought he was going to save the other half fo later. When I was puttering around in the kitchen this morning, the half potato was still out on the counter and I said something about 'if you want stuff to be good for later, you have to put it in the fridge,: turns out he wasn't saving it for later, he didn't like it the first time and hasn't ever really liked potato bar night.

So, he doesn't like steak, he doesn't like potatoes. Ok. He grew up in a shitty family where kids have to clean their plates and eat what their given and not complain...so that's basically what he does now. Doesn't that sound joyous? Come home and joylessly munch down on whatever horrible swill your insane shrew of a wife slops out for you? wow. Such a great life. Exactly the sort of married bliss I aspire to provide for my loved one.

I haven't been working since end of March. My only utiiity to this family as of now is to cook and clean. And since half the shit I cook is stuff he just suffers through and stuffs down, I'm not doing a very good job of that, am I?

I come from a family where we were poor as shit and you don't waste food. And also food is love. And my smart brain knows that is some fucking toxic crazy ass bullshit but it's hard to tell my crazy self anything once I'm off and running....

So all of this is very triggering and upsetting for me. The smart and sane part of my brain knows that no one is attacking or rejecting me when they don't eat what I cook or don't like what I cook. and the part of me that is not crazy understands that we are not starving and poor and we can throw away food we don't want or dont like and it's not a terrible thing.

But I did not handle it very well this morning, at all. and I'm not sure what to do. I'm about to start working again. My time to shop and prepare food is going to become more limited. I'm already out of fucking ideas for shit to cook every goddamn motherfucking night Monday through Friday. My brother says fish and pork make him sick, so I don't cook any. Fine. Seems Like there should still be lots of things I could make that people would actually like and enjoy, not just stuff down because it's expected.

And I don't want to be the crazy scary person who forces people to eat, or eat more than they want, when they don't like the food or I made too large of portions or whatever the everliving fuck.

I really wish I could just quit. Everything. I am not doing very well.

today has been a 'rot on the couch and watch TV with the dogs' day.

I am confronted with Don MIguel Ruiz First Agreement: Be Impeccable With Your Word.

I have been angry and sad that my mom no longer has capacity for reading, writing, physical activity, conversation, etc. I have been angry and sad that G/Dad isn't here to be with her, but he left her financially cared for such that if she WAS able to go and do things, she could pretty much do anything she wants...I have been angry and sad that all she seems to want to do or be able to do is stay in bed and watch TV.

And here I am.... doing nothing. staying home and watching TV. Definitely not building my own mental or physical strength in preparation for my own older age.

I do find that most of the qualities or habits I find disappointing, frustrating, and angry-making in others are qualities and habits of myself that I find distasteful.

ain't that a pickle.

I never, ever ever want to be my mom. And I didn't want to be her when she was 100% either. But in all ways I am certainly headed that way, it seems. :(

got up at 6, walked dogs with Thax, went back to bed. Dreamed that I was in a big old house....it had very strange plaster frescoes on the wall. I was there with my mom. I think it was supposed to be G/Dad's house in greencastle, but it wasn't really their house....I was staying in the attic room which had a set of stairs on the outside of the house leading to a door that went into the attic room. I kept being woken up hearing someone trying to open that door, which was locked by means of a screen door hook latch that was on a very long eye bolt that was drilled into the frame of the door. Mom and I went to look at it, because I guess I told her that someone was trying to get in that door and she didnt' believe me? so we went and looked and it had been tried enough times that the wood around the eye bolt threads was shredded and the eye bolt could just come out....so we pushed an empty bookcase in front of the door. It probably wouldn't stop the person from coming in but the noise of the book case being knocked over would maybe wake everyone up. In my dream mom was like she used to be, not the pleasant vague person she is now.

Anyway, I got up again, had breakfast, washed up and went to see her. Aunt l. was there when i arrived, but she left pretty quick. I had brought my dog Sunny, who did alright. was nervous in an unfamiliar place but did ok otherwise. She liked sniffing around in the backyard. Mom says she doesn't get out much when I asked her if she had seen the back yard. Maybe when the weather is cooler, or if we go over earlier in the morning or later in the evening we can sit outside. If she wants to. Mostly she wants to stay in bed. She asked me if G. had cancer, and I said yes. I teared up some, and said I miss him every day. She then asked me "Why did G. let himself get ... bamboozled?" and then she shook her head and said "I don't know what I'm trying to say,"....:( she's processing the grief and h er brain is not helping her. anyway, Sunny behaved and she enjoyed the back yard. The owner's two dogs were there, black lab mix types. Very sweet boys. I think Sunny would have enjoyed them if she'd been off leash too, but I wasn't sure if I should let her run around the house without a leash on. anyway.....depressing. mom seems in good health. I left when they came to get her for lunch. she wanted to go to the table and eat with everyone. I take that as a good sign. My brother A. seems to think they're not feeding her enough, and not feeding her what she likes to eat....but she's in bed most of the day, she doesn't need that many calories.... so? I asked mom if she liked the food and she said yes. At the old place in Greencastle, she'd say "It's adequate," in a way that suggested she didn't much like it. so....she does manage to get some things across pretty well. It's just a lot of effort for her to put her thoughts together and say stuff. I hate to see her struggling like that :(

I got an email Tuesday morning with my start date and time for my next temp gig. It starts 8/12. I have jury duty 8/13. I have been calling and emailing the jury duty people to try and get a postponement or something. I know that 'the law' says a person can't be fired for going to jury duty but the law is pretty thin when it comes to protecting temps. They could just say they let me go for 'not being a good fit' and that would be that and I'd be looking for work again.

I dont' know what mom was trying to ask about the 'bamboozled'? I told her that the cancer was very fast growing and that G had been seeing his doctor regularly and managing his diabetes and his rheumatoid arthritis and doing his best to stay healthy ....cancer is just a fucking ugly beast. It came fast and took him fast. OTOH, I watched my bio dad fight cancer for a couple of years after his diagnosis and '6 months to live' prognosis, and that was fucking ugly and heartbreaking too.

Pepita is coughing today. I gave her a benadryl and let her lick some honey off a spoon. It's not like when Boba had kennel cough with all of the foamy phlegm....but it is worrying me.

Current Mood: stressed

So I start the new temp assignment 8/12 8am onsite. Then the rest of our training will be onsite starting 9am. I don't hate that. Will still have time in the mornings to walk dogs with Thax.

I have jury duty 8/13. I will have to figure something out. bleh.

I like this ebike. I'm just window-shopping right now. Good ones are expensive but otoh I may not ride it enough to make it worth the money. One would like to think "oh, hey I spent a couple grand on this thing, and it will be healthy for me to use it frequently," .....but I am full of self defeating lazy ass bullshit so it's hard to think that I'll really use it. We rented bikes when we cruised and stopped in Key West, it was super fun. I can see myself doing shit like that on vacation or in Belize. I really need to be the person I am on vacation --lots of walking, biking, adventures. Not this wilted husk of a bitter bleh that I am here.

anyhoo...

new job starting. I went shopping to 'celebrate'...oh, look, problematic self sabotaging reckless stupid behavior! whee. I'd love to exist in a headspace where spending money on frivolous things isn't a horrible toxic cycle. Like eating, there's an amount that one has to do in order to continue to exist in some healthy embodied sort of fashion. You can't just quit the bad habit of eating and keep being alive. There are some things you have to buy - groceries, for example, see 'eating'..... but it's just too fraught and too fucking easy to 'add to cart' things that are temporary feel- good but overall foolish choices. perfume, make up, shoes.....just dumb stuff.

anyhoo....

new job starting.

need to get my death shit signed, witnessed, and notarized.

bleh bleh bleh.

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