evile

Wed, 29 Apr 2026 22:04:29 GMT

been abusing the plastic a bit.....it's one of my depressive coping mechanisms. not great.

I ordered some wax melts from Bewilderment. Their marketing and naming conventions are funny and fun, their actual product is a little weak. Nothing terrible, and their petrichor is dead-on when you smell the wax directly but not a lot of 'throw', it doesn't spread too far from the wax warmer.

I got: Grey Sweatpants, Petrichor, Dragon Breath, Bedtime Goddess and Fuck Ice. Funny enough Fuck Ice seems to be a dupe for Scentsy "Eskimo Kisses" which was rebranded to "Polar Bear Hug" when it turned out 'Eskimo' is a slur...

The house is smelling a little better these days, anyway. Housemate Sam has paused her apartment hunting due to a flare up of 'ankylosing spondylitis' which in Sam speak is "my eyes are red and inflamed and I'm sure it has nothing to do with smoking mj and living in a small room with two catboxes 23 hours a day'...but whatever.

I have a 2nd interview tomorrow for a well paying part time job that will get me out of the house and have some money coming in. Plus a recruiter called for another part time job that I could do along with the other one for a total of 40 hrs. And I got a request for yet another canned video interview with a place up the street where I've applied several times, gotten a few interviews, but have not yet managed to haul my carcass across the finish line. 34th times a charm!! honestly, full time work may not be what I want anymore. But I'm keeping all options on the table until I have an actual offer and an actual job.

And today I got an order in from Olympic Orchids. Someone on reddit had recommended Mardi Gras (Orange blossom, neroli, cistus, benzoin, vanilla, civet, special musk blend.). I just put it on. It's...a lot. I am not yet sure if I like it or not. I got the 5 ml travel spray because I was so sure I'd love it...eeeee. we'll see if it settles down.

I got a sample of Kyphi : frankincense, myrrh, benzoin, labdanum, beeswax, spikenard, henna, lemongrass, wild orange, calamus, cassia, cyperus, saffron, juniper berry, and spices. (I will probably like this one best), a sample of California Chocolate, wild orange, grapefruit, yuzu, white cognac, neroli, dark chocolate, patchouli, gourmand musk, and Bourbon vanilla. and they sent me a free sample of Carolina. Scent notes: longleaf pine, hay absolute, magnolia, kudzu flower, tea, honeysuckle, star jasmine, vanilla, tonka, and tobacco leaf.-- pretty sure I'm not going to like that one.

anyhoooooooo

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Fri, 24 Apr 2026 16:41:37 GMT

Another broken timeline dream. the timeline appeared to be broken by geographical lines, like the timeline in two different states was different. In my dream, brother A and I drove to Indiana to visit sister H. She was in the parents' Greencastle house and Mom was upstairs, in bed. Still not doing well, but alive. A and I were confused because in our timeline that we remembered, she had passed in June last year, but in H's Indiana timeline she was alive and H was living in the house and taking care of her....I told Mom about it and she laughed, and she loved the part where I heard otherworldly singing/chanting when she passed in the other timeline. I think she said "Oh, beautiful!" or something along those lines.

H's two best friends, J and C were there, and they'd made two versions of some traditional dish, one 'northern/yankee' and one 'southern' and they were doing taste test. It was like pot roast and sides vs pulled pork and sides. For whatever reason, we were all drinking whiskey with the taste test supper. Like, glasses of straight whiskey. Maybe ice.

Also in that dream, my friend Bad Pat was there in the Greencastle house and I was asking him questions about his life and my life to see if we were from the same original time line. From his answers, we were not. In his timeline, I had married some other guy earlier in my timeline than I got married in my own timeline. He only had 2 kids and I was some kind of successful creative, and apparently in his timeline when we were in our 20's I'd made him a 'breakup video' using some line of kids' toys (little demon rock star girl dolls whose tails changed color depending on their mood?) as stop motion animation figures, and he'd saved it for years and posted it on his facebook and all his friends had criticized the video because of stuff like labeling, titles, and 'metadata' were not there or were not correct and he was upset about that. I dunno. Weird stuff.In my timeline we never 'dated' we just did stupid kid stuff but nothing serious.

I dunno. It was a weirdly real dream, kind of creepy, kind of sad. I liked talking with my mom. While we were talking, she was walking around her room, and standing by the window looking up and out at the cloudy sky. I could tell that she wanted to be out of that room.

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Tue, 21 Apr 2026 22:17:29 GMT

rainy and dark all day; I really wanted to just stay in bed. But then a dog puked on the comforter, so there went that plan. "not awakey can't mistakey"...I'm just so tired of being alive. unemployed. fat. stupid. Just tired of all of it. I ate a tamale and a lot of candy. Watched about an hour of an excel tutorial I'm trying to get through (7 hrs...uggggh)

Housemate had an apartment complex she was working with but the final walk through for the apartment she wanted got rescheduled twice and now they won't return her calls...so she's on to the next place. Going to visit there Thursday and then hopefully she'll have a new place squared away. first floor apt, no stairs to deal with, all good.

weiner dog races this weekend in buda or kyle or someplace....

there's a steampunk fest in Eureka Springs. Wish i had the $ and a plan to go...oh well.

president wants to nuke iran and apparently despite all best efforts of the regime there are still military members in place who won't push the button. Hm. or so the story is going. who knows what the reality is.

No justice for any of Epstein's victims.

they discovered a website with 62 million hits in a single month; dudes talking about, showing pictures of, drugging and raping their female SOs. trading advice on which drugs to use, and how to make sure she's really unconscious before raping and / or letting other dudes rape her.

I am so sick of men. Just fucking end the world already. fuck it all.

tired and sad tired and sad tired and sad.

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Fri, 17 Apr 2026 21:15:16 GMT

I want a pool.

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dreams, stuff

Fri, 17 Apr 2026 19:12:09 GMT

i had a dream that is really sticking with me. in my dream, reality was breaking down. I was a bridesmaid at my friend J-law's wedding and we had just gotten to the reception and started circulating and having fun, when reality shifted (as It does) and we went to a new reality where the bride had died in an accident as a child. The truly broken part was that we all still remembered both realities; the one we had just experienced with a happy occasion and a beautiful ceremony and all of us dressed up in this incredible gorgeous venue with fairy lights and tulle and champagne and a live quartet playing, and the one where our friend had never had a chance to grow up and meet most of us, fall in love, etc. the groom was absolutely griefstricken and just absolutely gutted...it was so terrible. I tried to console him by saying at least we had one last beautiful perfect day with her, and nothing could take that away from him....but now that I'm awake, that was probably a pretty terrible thing to say.

And then I was at an airport with Thax, that halfway through trying to find our gate, I guess reality shifted and I suddenly remembered the layout because I'd travelled frequently through this place before (very 70's colors, decor, fonts for gate numbers and names of airlines, etc.) , so I was taking us to the gate we needed, but then reality shifted again as we got to the 'gate' and instead of a gate it was like a garden path that led out to a field near a body of water, and the 'airplane' technology had been replaced by something that I didn't know, like sort of an organic helicopter bubble thing? so there was no more need for airports and runways and so travel nexuses were just these nice garden paths where you'd follow the path to the designated circle and wait for your bubble copter creature to pick you up.  So wierd.

In my dream, these shifts were happening more and more often and most people  were able to remember both the reality we'd just shifted from and the reality we were currently occupying. It was a real brain melter.

==========

Today is new moon in Aries and a bunch of planets doing stuff....supposedly this means new beginnings and fresh starts and lot of energy to get shit done.

I have allergies and headache and tiredness. The Aries new moon is supposed to be a time when y ou clarify what you really want and get after it, but I can't honestly think of anything I 'really want' or even who I 'really am'  or 'really want to be'. Let alone what I'd be willing to do in order to get there. I'm just tired and done.

I do kind of wish I knew any local activist groups to get involved with; I wish I could go to the Dilley detention center with a huge group of people and scream the place down, like the fucking walls of Jericho.  But I don't know anyone. Texas, especially Austin of all fucking places, has seemed relatively complacent to the presence of ICE and the crackdown on unhoused people and all of these terrible things you'd think a hippy blue liberal town would be against. But..nope. I don't really see or hear anything about it. Then again I know social media is skewed and suppressed and censored. And I know that the real news is, too. I have no idea how to find my people or be involved. :/  I call my shithead senators. I vote. I bitch on my bluesky and my facebook. very useful, me.

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feeling travel buggy & want to shop and buy perfume. argh.

Thu, 16 Apr 2026 15:31:10 GMT

I want everything on this website.

Or I just want to visit New Orleans and go to their store.

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Tue, 14 Apr 2026 18:01:24 GMT

So...housemate has somehow added the aroma of cabbage or broccoli [edit to add: it was apparently a baked potato. with, I guess broccoli and cheese on it?] to the catbox and MJ melange at the front door. It is unconscionable.

I went to Trader Joe's and HEB so I've been out of the house for a lot of today. Housemate isn't particularly friendly to me when it's just us. Which is fine. Just a big change from her behavior in front of my husband. I got some more air freshener for the front entryway. sigh.

She told me this affternoon that she realizes she's overstayed her welcome and that she is sorry she asked me for help. (or she regrets asking me for help? something like that) It's either manipulation or sincerity but either way, I had no reply. It would be rude to agree and it would be lying to disagree. I just told her that I was disappointed that none of her other local friends seem to have stepped up or reached out. She said something about how people are busy living their own lives and she understands. But not even just to offer to socialize... then again, I do recall that one of her high school friends was going to be in town during spring break and reached out and housemate turned her down (she was feeling sick that week, I think, puking a lot)

Other than one couple, who invited her (and us) to a friday after thanksgiving gathering (we went), and for a new years gathering (I think Husband and I had something else going on, and housemate didn't go. I guess she didn't want to drive herself or uber or anything)

I mean, yeah, we all have lives and stuff going on. But I dont' think much of the people she came back to Austin because she supposedly had such a good bunch of people here and loves this town*so much*....

She organized one get together at a bar down south. it was me, the couple that's invited us over a couple of times, and one other couple. But as far as I know that's it from them.

My mom dying last June, and the ongoing unemployment fiasco has really knocked the wind out of my sails. I don't seem to have many 'spoons' for other people. When I heard about my mom, I was at housemate's storage unit, having driven her in her car (I don't remember why I was asked/expected to drive?) She was relentlessly self centered through that news and I don't th ink she said one kind or sympathetic thing. I said my mom was gone, and she started in with a continuation of her monologue about how was she going to do this or get that, and I was just like . "My mom just died, can you please give me a fucking break?" and then I guess I drove her back to the house, got in my bug and went to San Marcos for the rest of the day to some of my mom's college stomping grounds.(and the check engine light came on as I was making the trip to or from...ugh) Anyway, damn. I guess housemate's deal is that she is a widow whose husband died suddenly and unexpectedly and she had a terrible fall and was in her basement for days and she's had all these health things so she feels entitled to center herself in every situation because her pain and distress are greater than anyone else's. I mean, yeah, those are terrible things. But I feel like she really showed me who she is at that moment and I really was done at that moment because while I am a good person (codependent doormat) who goes above and beyond for friends and family who are in trouble and need help, the one time I might have needed some kindness and care...she didn't have it to give. And do I really want or need one sided relationships? I'd rather have no relationships

I know I haven't had the best relationship with my mom, and her dying was a blessing considering the state she had been in for the last couple years, but still. Anyway, once you see someone's true colors like that...hard to bother with giving a shit about them anymore. Insufferable main character syndrome.

I don't see myself as main character syndome. I mean, my life is important to me. but most of the time I'm happy to listen to other people and not need to be center stage. But, yeah...sometimes I need care and attention too.

though I suspect I've trained/conditioned all of the people in my life to need and depend on me and not expect me to ever need or depend on them. I am not great with boundaries. I give and do and give and do..and then I'm done and the door slams and people are left out in the cold going 'wtf' because I probably didn't say anything before I slammed the door in their faces and turned them out.

oh well. I'm going to be 56 years old soon. I suspect this is who I am and that I won't be having too many close friendships or relationships from here until the end. It's probably not healthy to be thinking "i'd rather be alone than stuck doing and giving to people who don't give a shit about me," it does seem to my smart brain that there is some middle path of reciprocal relationship and healthy interdependence...but I haven't found or created that for myself in my relationships so I don't think it's going to be a thing in my life.

anyhoo....housemate has been working with an apartment complex to do a final walk thru of a place she likes and start the moving process. It will be good to have an empty room to use to put things as we have flooring done in the rest of the house, when there's money again.

Job hunting continues. I have no hope in that area whatsoever. Spot silver is $80/oz. I have some silver coins my father left to me, should it come to that.

I fed and walked dogs, halfass made the bed ( Pepita dog was in the bed 'helping' so it's not the best job ever), swept and mopped in the kitchen and dining area, loaded and ran the dishwasher, had leftover pizza and instant coffee for breakfast. I think I remembered to take my vitamins. I'm going to lunch with my aunt L. tomorrow, and Thursday is Sunny dog's vet checkup.

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Fri, 10 Apr 2026 17:17:42 GMT

last night/this morning's dream:

I was going to a live performance of the Rocky Horror Picture show. It was somehow also interactive? Anyway, I was all dressed up in fishnets and glittery stuff and whatever, and went to my ex friend X's house because apparently that's where there was a shuttle that would take you to the performance location (which was not publicized?) One of the people in the golf cart/convertible/open air vehicle with me going to the show was this lady Joanna, who was a huge Rocky fan for many years and used to take tons and tons of photos every weekend of cast and people. I don't know if she even ever was able to afford to pick up all of them (this was old times, where you'd take your film to Target or wherever and then go pick up the prints) and she made scrapbooks of the photos, had tons and tons of them. These days she is one of my facebook friends, she doens't go out of her house anymore, she lives in one room of her house and her husband works and takes care of her. They have a lot of cats. I remember their apartment from back in the day wasa catbox stench from hell.... at some point I'd thought about reaching out to her to see if they were interested in having a roommate, but I never did. Putting one dysfunctional cat box person into another dysfunctional cat box dynamic would be unkind to all concerned, I think.

ANyhoooooo, in my dream Joanna was one of the people in the lttiel shuttle going to the performance, and I guess my exfriend X was somehow in charge of some part of it? In rl, i would have seen her and left, but in my dream I went to the show. I think X's daughter was also involved somehow.

So I get to the show and the audience is part of the 'transylvanians' who are in the lab scene, and the lab is this big open area/stage, with this kind of metal mesh cage around it, and the cage is multilevels so the audience goes up the metal stairs and stands on the upper level, looking down at the show, kind of? or on the stairs, if they want. I started making out iwth one of the performers in this 'locker room' sort of area and ended up accidentally spiling a bunch of perfume oil all over everything in the locker and myself and him in the heat of the moment....I said something about him finding me beautiful or us being two beautiful people and he stopped and said "no, I never said you were beautiful, I just said you were fuckable," or something to that effect....and I was just so offended and ashamed that I walked away from him and from the show.

It was not a great-feeling dream. In this dream, of course, I wasn't the me that I am now, I was younger me. 20s or so. I remember being very hung up back then on being upset about people who didn't like me for who I was but only seemed to want to fuck me. I didn't realize I even gave a shit about that anymore, being old and unbeautiful and unfuckable these days and it's rather a relief from all of that nonsense.

two of the three open jobs are now closed and I got a boilerplate rejection email about them, but the third one that I actually interviewed for is still showing me as 'under consideration'...I'd like to be working again.

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Thu, 09 Apr 2026 17:49:36 GMT

Housemate has found an apartment complex she likes, in her old area of town that she lived in before moving to CO 10-15 yrs ago, with shopping and restaurants and a branch of her medical providers in easy distance. Final walk through is scheduled for next week, then she'll be moving her stuff in increments, hopes to be done by June if not before.

today's conversation was her offering to help clean, organize in my work room, and unsolicited, unwanted advice for back yard patio repairs that need doing. *

If she was able or willing to help clean and organize, perhaps offering to do it sometime in the last *year* she has been living here would have been better timing.

she's also offered to come dogsit next time we go out of town on a cruise or vacation. Nevermind the fact that the last time we left, over a four day weekend, we came back to the dogs having no water in any of their bowls. (there's a big gravity-fed bottle that the dogs ignore religously. I can't say I blame them, it catches dust and since it never gets used it just gets slimy. I clean it out occasionally but they don't ever drink out of it. They could have if they were despereate enough, though. Still. Not ideal) and of course she doesn't have the physical strength to walk them so it's not really a good fit, as far as pet sitting goes.

I know my house is a mess and my yard needs upgrades and repairs. I don't care to be lectured about it by anyone. especially her, of all people.

Anyway, glad she's getting on with her life.

Brother A is still spinning castles in the clouds. I feel sure that he will have burned through all realtors in the area he wants to move to, before he even has inheritance $ in hand to actually spend on anything. He is spinning himself up with ideas about getting 'the owner' to do this or that, working with this or that organization or business or art studio, they'll say this and he'll do that, and bla bla bla...none of it is real. And when you suggest something practical, (ie: get a space and sublet rooms to other artists for their studio space so you'll have money coming in whether you are selling your art or not) he will spin up another story about what that imaginary person will do or say and why that suggestion won't work.

He also has a persistent saying about how the things that work for other people, don't work for him, and the things that work for him dont' work for other people. I am wondering what evidence he has that anything he's done has ever 'worked' for him, or what 'success' looks like or feels like from his perspective. I don't see much in the way of results. He's worked several jobs since getting out of prison in 2022, all low paying and aggravating and or short term. He liked working for the seasonal haunted house but I think overall it was too much work and not enough money and of course they didn't recognize his creativity and bla bla bla, he didn't get into the inner circle so he is going to do his own thing and be his own inner circle with all of his friends from before he went to prison, who are somehow going to magically get on board with helping him do his creative things...which none of them have done yet, or seemed willing to do.

What housemate and brother A. have in common was that all their Austin Friends just haven't kept room for them in their lives, they've all moved on and are doing their own things now. It's not a cruelty so much as a fact of life. I used to come back to Austin to visit when I was in college and every visit, fewer and fewer people made time for me. It hurts and sucks but that's the way things work. People don't hold space for you forever, they move on. They have their own stuff going on. Friendships take regular effort and outreach, and mutuality. Brother A and housemate don't really seem to get that not everyone is up for hanging out and just playing 'adoring audience' for their rambling train of thought for however long they want to go on about it. I don't really hang out with friends outside the home anymore, and I don't particularly want to, BUT the thing I can say I do have to offer in a friendship is that I listen and converse. It's not a monologue of health issues or a rundown of some horrible news story or a play by play of a thing I just watched on TV, or a bunch of nonsense about my creative empire that doesn't exist, it's an actual listen and respond and ask questions and give and take sort of thing. Maybe people just dont' do that anymore. I dunno.

My own job hunting hasn't yielded any results. I'm still showing 'active' on a few jobs I applied to at a large bureaucracy (not the state) but these jobs were supposed to be starting in April so....maybe they're going to close them out and maybe they won't. For that matter, I have a job I applied to on the community college website I applied to in 2024 that is showing as pending or still 'under consideration', so *wanking motion*

On the plus side, I've started taking my triple reuptake inhibitor (mental health med) again after a long time of not bothering, I've got a good vitamin routine, and I've started to get some kind of daily exercise in addition to walking dogs morning and evening. I will be happy when the local pool opens again, housemate and I would walk down there every afternoon and walk up and down in the shallower end of the pool every day, for a while. That was good.

Cruise in October, if the world is still here. Will be asking Brother A. or maybe Cousin B. to watch the dogs for us.

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* come to think of it, this unsolicited 'fix your shit' advice from her is reminding me of crazy messiah complex girl who temporarily wanted to be in A's room and painted it up all crazy. She was trying to recruit me into being one of her army of 'counselors' who was going to help people using her mental health dojo techniques, and then told me 'there are people' who will clean my house (for free? in exchange for 'healing'?)...miss me with that bullshit. The whitey bourgeouse of it "Oh, there are PEOPLE for that," as if keeping my own home to my own standards of cleanliness is some kind of menial thing that "PEOPLE" can be used to do. fuck her and fuck that. I may at some point be too old or physically incapable of such things, but i"ll never be "too good" to scrub a toilet or a dish.

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rainy saturday

Sat, 04 Apr 2026 20:38:07 GMT

I finally got some good sleep last night. mmmm. so good. Husband made coffee and pigs in a blanket. also so good!

We took the opportunity to walk dogs a while ago, between rain showers. I took along some 'volunteer' trees that the squirrels had planted in my keyhole garden (an oak and a pecan) and planted them in the park. I also took some wildflower and clover mix seeds to sprinkle here and there. I hope they sprout and grow. We had scattered bluebonnet seeds on the walk to the park in previous years and we had at least one or maybe two gorgeous wildflower years, but I think last year or year before, the city mowed before they could go to seed so that's not happening this spring. It's not a great year for bluebonnets this year, anyway. I guess the winter was too dry, and maybe not enough freezes to really make the bluebonnets decide to rock n roll (I don't know if they need a freeze or not, some plants and seeds do. bulbs, for sure. ) Anyway....not a great year for wildflowers in our yard or on the greenbelt sort of area between our house and the park. pretty sparse. We have some pink primroses/buttercups in the front yard. will wait to mow until they go to seed.

Um...I got another rejection from the company where i had my last good contract over a yr ago. But I have a phone interview Monday for a part time position that sounds OK, at a different insurance broker type company. It's part time to start and may or will go full time after a year, and the pay isn't what I want but it's not as bad as what I made at the state of TX, either. I don't really care anymore. I just need some kind of regular schedule and some money coming in.

Here's some additions to my wishlist. I look at stuff a lot while I'm depressed and feeling 'poor'. We are OK. Husband is working, housemate paid a year's rent in advance, I got some $ from the social security administration as one of my mom's heirs, we are getting a tax refund from the IRS. We are OK.

anyhoo....'windows shopping' is a thing I do when I am depressed/stressed/blabla, so here's the latest:

https://byza.com/products/runes

https://heathealer.com/products/sauna-dome

https://polardiveusa.com/products/the-polar-dive

https://podcompany.com/products/the-sauna-pod-free-ice-pod

https://ambreblends.com/products/sample-pack-of-all-five-essences

https://oldsoulartisan.com/products/tealightsampler

https://meltdownstherapy.com/products/fall-nights-maximum-scented-wax-melt-bonfire

& a vacation

https://www.1ofakindbeachhouses.com/?fbclid=IwY2xjawQEjUZleHRuA2FlbQIxMABicmlkETBieDB0YW1zTUJ1eTZReEZsc3J0YwZhcHBfaWQQMjIyMDM5MTc4ODIwMDg5MgABHg0U_zsR-z33te47NbG1rEIH_gYlsBKmkO139CLfEQBgh7vvF6hrTolHCjZv_aem_2xJBQDU9CRdV7VWlOSKIkQ

as one may surmise, I like perfumes and nice smelling things.

I'm also constantly trying to improve the odor of this house. we have dogs, which make things musty, but the main thing that bothers me is housemate's catboxes. There are no electric outlets in the entry or hallway of the house, and no air vents, so the air in those areas stays rancid at all times. And the hallway leads to the bathroom, which is also not vented to the central air system so things get musty and mildewy smelling in there too...so there is one point in the hallway between the front door and the bathroom where Eau de Catbox and Stench du Mildew combine for a truly horrific nasal journey. I have a wax melter in my workroom/craftroom which opens to the hallway and that can sometimes help but often just contributes to the funk in its own awful way. Le sigh.

I did find this thing on amzon and I bought it (shame shame) and put it on the shelf in the entryway. It is usb battery powered. the battery lasts for a couple of days before it needs a charge. It actually scents the air pretty well and is fighting the catbox stench that punches you in the face when you walk in the front door. It's also possible that housemate is taking better care of the catbox. She's been pretty energized the last few days. She even wen tto look at apartments yesterday! woot! I know she's depressed and in mourning for her husband...I feel bad for her, but doing things even when sh e doesn't want to is definitely better for her than what she's been doing. So I hope she continues forward momentum. And I hope she eventually reconnects with more of her local freinds than she has in the last year she's been with us.

she also asked if we'd be willing to adopt her dog. I said sure, I was going to offer to keep him anyway because I know apartments are often strict about pets, number of pets, expensive pet deposits, etc. two cats are going to be plenty for her to move with. Plus she doesn't feed him or walk him, because she doesn't feed or walk herself or keep a regular schedule for herself. Which is fine for her and her cats, I guess, but dogs need a routine, and he's done well since he's been here. Likes running in the backyard with the other pups, likes to walk, has lost a little weight, seems to be bonded really well with my husband especially (he was her husband's dog more than hers, so that tracks)

anyhoo....life is good. rain is good. sleep is good.

everything will be Ok, one way or another. either the world gets better, ends, or I will die soon enough. Nothing is worth fussing over that much, in the larger picture of everything.

sigh.

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just bitchin'

Wed, 01 Apr 2026 19:06:52 GMT

Up, felt like shit, took care of dogs, washed,d ressed, applied for jobs.

Housemate Sam came out around 2pm as I am sauteeing onions and browning meat to put in the instant pot for supper, complaining about her in-laws' attorney badgering her for the return of some paperwork which will end up paying her 25K for her interest in some of her deceased husband's stepdads property that he's selling. She proceeds to lament that the Universe is conspiring against her and then returns to her catbox smelling room (where her animals have doubtless ruined my floor and probably most/all of the furnishings with their urine, feces, and/or scratching)

Oh, please tell me more about this terrible life you have. In a comfortable room in a comfortable home with climate control and food and electricity and running water which you have paid minimally to occupy. Where you have no obligations, no responsiblities, and can sleep or watch TV or read all day long in your pajamas and bathe once a week, or never, as you like. Where you have health insurance covered by your deceased husband and a doctor who does tele-visits, and people you don't even like falling all over themselves to hand you gobs of money. Yes, you are very very put-upon and miserable, to be sure. My heart, it is bleeding for you. Bleeding, I say!

(as I cook, clean, feed and walk her dog, and continue to search for paid work outside the home)

Such pity I feel. Such compassion. Poor poor housemate Sam. The universe has conspired against her at every turn to give her the softest possible landing ever.

And, yes, i realize that if I didn't have my husband I'd be fooooooooked, but yes, I am also enjoying a comfortable existence on the back of someone else's labor. :/

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Sun, 29 Mar 2026 07:15:40 GMT

Saw a post this evening from the last good place I worked, the contract that ended Feb 2025 and for various fucked up reasons did not take the permanent full time job there (my temp agency recruiter told me the company had 'decided to go a different direction' and it would be another 6 month contract which I'd have to interview for again) and on that info, I accepted a 6 month remote contract (that ended up being a clusterfuck that ended early due to those people being disorganized and their stuff not being ready to go live)....and then once I'd accepted that contract, got an offer for the full time permanent role I thought didn't exist due to misinfo from my temp agency recruiter...and for whatever reason, felt I had to keep my word to my other temp agency. stupid, stupid, stupid stupid stupid.

I've been kicking myself in the ass for over a year for making those stupid, self-sabotaging, idiotic decisions, for feeling obligated to keep my word (to someone/person/agency/job who obviously placed little to no value on me) over making the best decision for my own self and my own future. It's the place my brain goes to night after weary fucked up night, that keeps me up until 3 or 4 in the morning, beating and berating myself endlessly and knowing that there's not a fucking thing I can do to go back in time and fix it.

And, for all I know, I'm blacklisted at the company for not accepting their perm/full time offer.

But, I can get some decent sleep I will take the time tomorrow to apply to the job and see what happens. I'd like to quit fucking myself over. I'd like to be working and bringing in money again.

The commute wasn't my favorite, but it was at least a hybrid role that gave me mondays and fridays at home, and for the kind of money they pay, it's worth the drive.

Anyway....maybe by writing it down and getting it out I will finally be able to rest. :/ My pillows are all uncomfortable, I'm hot, my stomach hurts, and my right ankle is hurting as always. I did fuckall with my day today. I just don't use my time well at all.

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last night's dream

Wed, 25 Mar 2026 15:40:53 GMT

more like this morning, but anyway. It was a good dream. I felt strong and smart and hopeful when I woke up. That's nice, isn't it?

I dreamed I was drafted into ICE or the military? I wore perfume and nail polish with my uniform to piss off the officers. Like, I'd been told not to, but then someone else that was there said they were glad I did that and hoped I'd keep wearing nail polish, even if shooting the guns made my nails chip.

One of the officers was making everyone run and of course I was terrible at it. Then we all had to get in line to go to target practice and the officer wouldn't let me go to do that, he made me stay behind. I said, "oh, too bad, I'm really good at shooting." He was yelling at me about how some of his best troops were going to come visit my home in the night to teach me and my family what MAGA was all about and I said, "come on over. I love the first, fourth fifth and 14th amendment but my favorite is the second. Be sure to smile for the cameras I have all over when you meet my bang-bangs!"

That same bully officer (I think? or maybe one of my fellow maga shithead recruits?) gave me a 'couch potato ' prize that was like a little dollhouse couch. One of the high ranking officers later said she liked it so I smiled real big and gave it to her. I knew that the bully and his friends would see the higher ranking officer carrying around their shame prize and be embarrassed.

Later in the dream the bully officer was trying to tell me I was unamerican and I listed all the things I love about it, including due process for migrants who have gone through the courts and applied for asylum or legal status. I just kept calm and cheerful and quoted facts and laws to him. I could tell it was making him mad but there were other recruits and older officers who had my back, and the other recruits and I were talking among ourselves as we stood in lines and waited for our turns to run and shoot and do obstacle courses and shit, about how we were going to sabotage everything from the inside and help immigrants. Ultimately it was a good dream. Reminded me that I can use my smart mouth and sass for the powers of good.

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Mon, 23 Mar 2026 19:54:39 GMT

insomnia last night until 2 or so. Slept very well once I actually was able to sleep. No night sweats that I can recall. Got up, took care of dogs. Went to the store. Have been looking at jobs. Applied to only one so far. Feeling very old and unemployable. If I can limp along to end of 2028 and if I'm not in an ICE concentration camp, I can start collecting my retirement. Sigh.

I got to the grocery store for dinners for the week. Power went out just as I was getting into line to check out. But it came back on pretty quickly. My groceries were bagged by THREE people...who did a terrible job and took forever!!! They put all the heavy stuff into the flimsiest bag, really stuffed it in there, and left my largest, heavy duty canvas bat bag pretty much empty except for cheetos and salad. Mixed up frozen stuff with pantry items instead of keeping things organized as I'd had them on the conveyor belt, put heavy stuff on top of light stuff.... just...awful. The phrase 'couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the directions were written on the heel' came to mind. Apparently either the power out or some interpersonal employee drama had put their heads up their asses. I was kind and gracious, however. The people in line behind me had also been waiting patiently and no need to hold them up with bitchyness. I just grumbled to myself on my way out to the parking lot.

Housemate Sam offered to kick in for groceries since I include her in suppers M-F. I suppose after almost a year of living with us, it occurred to her that perhaps she should do that. LOL. I declined. What I should have said, but didn't think of it in time is "you need to save your money for when you get your own place,"...keep that thought in the top of her mind. sigh.

Went to Sherwood Faire Friday. Hadn't been in a couple of years. Took brother A. He apparently had a friend working there, one of his buds from the halloween haunted house biz he worked at a couple years ago. The friend had offered him a free ticket. I don't know if he got free admission or was ever able to find his friend on site (cell reception out there is spotty). He seemed down when we were headed home later, and has stayed to himself all weekend....He has a lot of thoughts and dreams for his future that are fun but maybe not as workable as he thinks. His creative ideas kept him going through his time in prison and I never wanted to shoot down his ideas when they were the only thing keeping him going. His employment since getting out has been spotty. He is a hard worker but gets his feelings involved t if he feels unappreciated or mistreated or disliked by coworkers/management... and h e wants to be in business for himself, doing sculpture and art and making funny movies with puppets... not realistic as a means of self sufficiency. I mean, it's not impossible. It's just going to be difficult and he's not keen to learn from other people's mistakes or experiences, he wants to do things his own way no matter what.

Ah well. I didn't take that child to raise, either, as Elaine would say..

I'll finish looking at job sites here in a minute and then dishes and try to clean the uncleanable kitchen floor. Maybe change the sheets in the bedroom. I dunno. feeling unmotivated and sad. The state of the world is unhelpful. Meteors/fireballs have been dropping on the planet the last few days. One in Ohio, one over Houston just yesterday or day before. Maybe something taking aim/getting range to wipe us out! Comeon, Giant Asteroid!!!! You can do it!!!!

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Mon, 09 Mar 2026 21:55:13 GMT

having an extra-down couple of days.

Housemate Sam got it into her head that we were going to faire on Sunday. Of course we had no such plans. She apparently told Thax behind my back that the reason she was saying that was because she thought I had mentioned faire many times and was hinting I wanted to go.

I am not working. There is no money for such things. Whether I want to go or not.

And, really, faire is something I used to enjoy. But when I go now, I just remember that I used to like it, but I don't really like it now. I don't need any of the 'stuff' they sell, I've seen all the shows, I don't really have any faire friends, there's absolutely no reason to go, or to want to go.

But now I feel as though it's A Big Deal and whatever.

I suggested we go on the 20th, it's the Friday of spring break and they're open and maybe it won't be crowded. Thax said "OK". He has to burn some leave time before end of first quarter at work, so h e's taking some Fridays, plus St. Patrick's day, plus some random Monday.

BUT, really for serious, We have no money to waste on stupid things.

I like the idea of going to faire way more than I actually like going to faire.

I don't want to ask for anything and have him 1) do it resentfully or 2) not do it/ "forget" . Because neither feels very good.

I know that what I want doesn't matter anymore, because I'm not working and I have no money, therefore no say in how we spend resources.

I know I need to stay at home, cook, clean, organize, do whatever I can to be helpful and not spend money.

I have nothing intersting to say, I need to not open my mouth to complain or fuss or be negative. No one needs th at.

I am so tired. I am so so so tired.

I don't have the courage to try and fail to die.

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bad dream, awake early

Fri, 27 Feb 2026 15:30:15 GMT

I've been having terrible insomnia lately. As with most of the things I'm experiencing here in my 50s, I'm never sure if this is a normal 'person getting older' thing or if it's a result of current events and the time I'm living through. I guess it doesn't really matter. "All humans feel these things at this age" would be more comforting than "yeah, you've got fascism" but at the end of the day, potato potahto, ya know? I feel like shit. I sleep like shit. I feel hopeless and helpless and blah blah blah. I am bored with my own passive-suicidal ideation. Oh, you hate your life and wish you were dead? Shut the fuck up. Make a better life or go fucken die. Quit whining and fuck off with that bullshit. Sick of it.

BUT! we've been developing a somewhat good nighttime ritual: We watch tv, have tea or hot cocoa, go to bed. I've been using sleepytime or the HEB equivalent, I've been trying a patch that is supposed to have helpful vitamins and herbs for sleeping, I'm actually also taking vitamins and herb pills to help with sleeping, and also progesterone lotion and magnesium lotion and sometimes also using these little self warming eye masks at bedtime. I'd like to do less TV but not sure what else I'd do with my evenings at home with my husband that would put us in a relaxed state. (winky winky? lol) Maybe reading actual books in bed for a while, together? I dunno.

So, anyway, I got to bed around 10:30 and was asleep pretty quickly. Woke up around 6:30 in a puddle of sweat. I think the humidity spikes just before dawn and then drops at sunrise, so that my best sleep seems to come after dawn. That would be super annoying if I was working. LOL.

I was having a bad dream. I dreamed that I was helping a friend re-do a collage she had started but left unfinished. Parts of the collage were things that weren't paper and couldn't be glued in (a sprouting coconut, an aluminum pan?) I somehow messed it up (the coconut having to be planted in dirt while still attached to the newspapers and decoupage made everything wet and limp and messy) and she was really mad. I said I was sorry and asked if this meant we weren't friends anymore. She stopped for a second and said no, we are still friends, I am just really mad right now. Thax said something about how I had wasted the day for this project instead of doing whatever things he wanted us to do, he was being very angry and sarcastic and contemptuous --nothing like RL Thax. Friend's husband just gave me a big hug while I fussed about hating myself, while repeating stuff that sounded like it was from a manual on psychology or something? "Hold the subject while reassuring them that they are safe. Continue to hold them tightly. Hold the arms down to prevent self-harm." And then I dreamed something about not having a "live in" kitchen, but a "dying" kitchen. So I woke up thinking I will die in my kitchen someday when the time comes. It wasn't a good dream. having a heart attack and falling down dead in the kitchen? so ironic. Would be a very funny way to go. LOL.

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Wishlist/things to do

Wed, 25 Feb 2026 19:49:32 GMT

New roof (maybe metal, maybe solar?)
new gutters with leaf guard(?) and rainwater storage
trees and branches around house trimmed
solar screen for bedroom window

eye exam and new contact lens prescription
probably time for medical checkup, mammogram, and maybe colonoscopy
been keeping up with my teeth pretty well since husband has dental insurance. out of pocket goes to Madame Visa

2nd opinion on Pepita's hips and possible hip surgery (at least $7K)
been keeping up with dog vet checkups & monthly heartworm/parasite preventative
haven't been keeping up as well with dog dental needs. This toothbrush is cool. It makes the plaque so easy to just chip off with a fingernail or tool. I just don't use it regularly.

Maybe sunroom or greenhouse?

Mini split a/c units for master bedroom (apartment) and our room.

Thax wants double doors/french doors from the living room to the back yard. Right now it's one big pane of glass and one door with a big pane of glass. I think it used to be a sliding glass door when the house was built.

We have a falling-down rock wall between our house and our neighbors on the left as you face the house from the street....I think I'd like a better fence there.

And maybe repair the driveway where they had to cut a trench to replace the poop pipe.

Housemate Sam had a Dr. appointment yesterday; at some point a couple weeks ago she asked (yes asked!) if I'd be able to take her. I said sure, just let me know when. Other than my interview on the 19th I have no plans, bla bla. Then Monday she was complaining because some taxicab scheduling app was giving her a hard time for trying to schedule a pickup tuesday morning for her dr appt (this was the first I heard about it) I think I was expected to jump in and volunteer to drive her, but she didn't actually ASK and I am trying to get better about only saying yes if asked, not offering or jumping in to rescue and problem-solve for people. ("dry begging" is a bad habit around here, we all need to break ourselves of it, my part is also not offering if not asked)

anyhoo, tuesday morning she got up and was waiting outside on the front porch for a while (setting off the motion detector and the dogs) and then she came back into the house, said something about how the taxi hadn't come, something about hating her life, and then she went into her room. A few minutes later, she left her room, left the house, got into her car and drove off. I thought to myself "Oh, good, she's decided to drive herself to her doctor's appointment," (she drives, she has a car that works, I'm really not sure where this whole 'someone [E] needs to drive me to my appointments," came from. Maybe leftover from her marriage and things her spouse used to do for her. If she was getting a treatment or getting her eyes dilated I can see why she'd want a ride, but otherwise, I don't really get it. As far as I know this was just an in person checkup to get her anxiety, heart, and/or sleep meds refilled. She came back a while later and had a cardboarrd box that she said was good if anyone needed it for anything. I said no, so she said she'd take it to the recyling bin. And I said something about I was glad she decided to drive herself to her appointment and she said no, she hadn't, she would not have arrived on time, so she just needed to drive around. Apparently she wnet to a breakfast place and had breakfast. I guess that's OK too. she does need to get out of the house more often.

She didn't respond when I texted everyone that supper was ready last night. She didn't come out for supper Monday night either. Sleeping, sulking, dunno, whatever.

I am disappointed in her local 'friends' who haven't come over, haven't taken her out, haven't called, etc. Other than one outing she scheduled at a bar and about 4 people came other than me and thax, and getting invited to post thanksgiving thanksgiving at one couples' house. Oh, and I think they invited her for new year or new year's day? but we already had plans so we didn't drive her and Sam didn't go by herself.

I am wondering if they've reached out and she just hasn't responded, or if they just haven't reached out. I'm sad she doesn' t have the connections or the support or the community that she seemed to think she had here. A lot of the people we used to know have moved out of Texas, too. So....

anyway. Im sad for her but .... "I didn't take that child to raise," as my aunt L's dear friend Elaine used to say.

No more interviews but one nearby employer's career site says I'm still 'under consideration' for the one job I interviewed for, the one job I've done the pre recorded video interview for, and one job I haven't gotten to the next step(s) for. I've been trolling them and one other nearby big employer, 5-10 min drive away to both offices, and both pay well, and both are fairly recession proof (workers comp agency, retirement fund admin. agency)

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well

Sun, 22 Feb 2026 23:12:38 GMT

add 'new roof' to the top of the 'wishlist' because the home insurance I just switched us to because L'emu was fucking us over with monthly increases for no apparent reason other than 'because we can', sent me a letter saying that our home doesn't meet their underwriting standards. We need a new roof and apparently some branches are touching the house (wtf). also supposedly our siding is bad (it's hardy board, it's not rotting, because it can't rot. It may be dirty or discolored but its not going anywhere)

Anyway, house is paid for so it's not required by TX law to have homeowners insurance, BUT I don't like being without. Not that home insurance has done much for me over the years but....it's scary and icky-feeling not to have it.

So if I have money again, ever, that will have to be priority #1.

Cousin B. is coming over to grill supper in a few. I am hiding in my work room because housemate Sam is rehashing 'all the people what done me wrong' during an event she organized and held in 2011. Let it go, let it go!!!

Anyhooo.....she's loud and mad and in 'lecture'/interrupt everyone mode about it and I've heard this story a few times already. So I'm not keen on it. Poor husband is out there absorbing the negativity.

I need to encourage her more strongly to move along. It's almost been a year

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Thu, 19 Feb 2026 21:17:52 GMT

Interview today at 1. In person.

I can do any work. I can learn any system. I can make things happen in Excel. But I hate interviews so bad. They just feel so fake and creepy and . yuck.

I was sweating like mad, so I put a cooling patch on my skin under my bra. That helped.

I also put a bit of roll on antiperspirant on my hands and dusted lightly with corn starch so I wouldn't be a wet sweaty mess of a hand shake.

I guessed correctly at how to dress--the outfit I picked looked like pretty much everyone else I saw there. Blouse, slacks, flats. I didn't see many heels there. No suits or sport jackets.. I looked good, or as good as possible.... but I answered the last question wrong.

Something about talk about a mistake I made and how I'd do it differently or attempt to fix it .... aside from learning how to time travel? I dunnnooooo. All I can really do is learn and move forward, I can't fix the past. So. I don't know what they were getting at, but after I finished answering she asked a clarifying question to try and get the right answer out of me, but I think I still fucked it up.

Oh well. FML, I guess.

On the plus side, they're filling 9 positions so there may be room for one fuckup (me) in the ranks. :/ I can't keep caring about this shit. I hate myself. I hate my life. I don't want to be alive anymore.

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Fri, 13 Feb 2026 19:21:17 GMT

Housemate S may be coming in to more money; her deceased husband's stepdad is selling property in Utah and wants to 'buy out' S. and her sister in law (dead husband's sister). Once again, this is stuff she had no idea existed and therefore didn't know she had a claim to, and these folks are going out of their way to cut her in on it.

I really hope she continues to remain in contact and tries to refrain from being assy to them She could be comfortably set for the rest of her life if she's wise with this inheritance. Seems like the SIL is really trying hard to help her out.

and speaking of, ours, if it happens....

I'm thinking if Brother A. really moves out of the master bedroom area/apartment, I may go ahead and turn that room and the side yard into kind of a 'home spa' area. swim spa or hot tub, and then indoor salt booth and/or red light panels with a comfortable place to lay down and soak it up. Some yoga mats and things for exercising. Perhaps a continuation/fruition of Amma's dreams with regard to that room.

hm. Not 100% realisitic to think about but still fun. Would i actually use it? hahaha.

anyhoo...job interview Thursday. I need to recolor my hair.

Friday on the chore list while i'm being a fulltime housewife is clean up the bedroom and change the sheets. Make everything fresh and lovely for the weekend, sleeping in with my husband. It's his birthday Monday. We are going out for dinner with the fam. Aunt L. always likes to do things on the actual day.

Tomorrow would be my mother's birthday, it's the first since her death. I suppose Valentine's Day has always been sort of awful but this makes it somewhat worse; bleh

I bought myself a dozen roses yesterday while I was out shopping-lavender, yellow, and kind of pink-orangey-peach colored. I also got bird seed and a couple of birthday gifts for husband; his amazon wishlist is mostly stuff he's going to buy himself at some point, nothing 'heartfelt' or what I'd think of as personal. I dunno. it's hard to buy things for him when we have so much and so much *clutter* already, stuff that isn't being used for anything. But not getting him things makes me feel like I'm not showing caring....yay capitalism.

I planted a bunch of wildflower seeds in front and back yards (yay no HOA!) since it is supposed to rain today and tomorrow.

Ummmmm....what else? Walked and fed dogs. Looked at jobs. heard from a recruiter yesterday, she left voicemail around 4pm saying that an interview was available today at 1 if I was available. wow. I suppose I should have jumped on it but I didn't. I gave availability next week so if I do hear back from her I can do a little research on the position and prepare. I am lousy enough at job interviews when I *do* attempt to be prepared, so....why shoot myself in the foot on purpose by going in blind?

I think I am probably retired, though. whether I like it or not. We are in a recession, whether the government cares to admit it or now, the job market is bad, and I'm 55 years old, female and obese. Strike 3 I'm out. This article seems to suggest that at this age and this point in my career, I ought to be 1) relying on my network to find new work [what network?] and 2) in a management or leadership position rather than still doing support/back of house type work. Even though that's what I'm good at and what i like. I like processes, systems, and organization. I like it when those things are already in place. If/when I become familiar enough with the process and the WHY of the process [state and federal laws, organization rules, best practices, etc.) only then will I suggest or implement process improvements. I'm really comfortable with coming in and learning how to do the thing and doing the thing, consistently and reliably, for however long. I don't get bored with repetition. I could see myself in a training role, once I understood the system and process well enough to teach others. But as far as creating a system or process from scratch, not so much.

Wanting to come in at 'entry level' (even though they want years of experience even for 'entry' level] or associate level at my age makes me undesirable because it's feared that I won't be flexible, adaptable, 'hungry' enough, and won't stay long enough to be worth the investment. And age discrimination is against the law, so both myself and my interviewers have to speak in 'code' about this. They can't say 'we don't want to hire you because you're old,' and I can't say "I know I'm old but I am still good," in so many words. hm.

And since I fucked over everyone who had my back and recommended me internally at the job I wanted last year, I don't have any connections/word of mouth that will help me where I am now. I hadn't thought of it that way, but by telling all the account owners/executives/teams that I was going for a position, getting the offer (possibly because of them putting in a good word) and then not taking it (misinformation, misunderstanding, misplaced loyalty), I basically spit in their faces. I will never again turn down permanent full time work in favor of a contract. I learned that one pretty hard, didn't I? And of course, never working with that particular recruiter or for that particular company ever again.

anyhoo...I need to let that go. (wanting to beat self in head. STOP WITH THESE INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS AND RECRIMINATIONS. STOP STOP STOP. IT DOES NOT HELP. --I had insomnia until 3am going back over all of that bullshit. I am so tired of my fucking scumbag brain. yes I did a stupid. yes I made a mistake. yes I fucked myself over. Yes I miss my colleagues and the people I developed nice work relationships with. Yes I am sure I surprised and disappointed them by not taking the job they recommended me for. Yes I am in a bad place now because of that mistake. I can't do a fucking thing about it. I cannot go back in time. so please please please STOP STOP STOP)

I have an interview next week that I need to plan and prepare for, and hope that I speak the right magic words to overcome the 'overqualified' (means TOO OLD) prejudice. And working again will make me feel less worthless and stupid. Won't that be nice.

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Tue, 10 Feb 2026 19:28:14 GMT

Housemate Sam got her $ from the sale of her deceased MIL's home and is talking about moving into an apartment sometime in june or july; she says she likes being here, but I suppose shes' aware that this was a temporary stop to just try and get her health back in order and make moer clear headed decision about what to do with the rest of her life.

Brother A. is also spending his not-yet-paid-out inheritance in his mind, building an empire of Art and wonderfulness in Bastrop. OK. I am happy he has dreams and ambitions. I hope it works out ok but think it probably will be much much harder than he envisions. He's a grownup, I can't tell him how to spend his money. And he wouldn't listen anyway!

I have an in person job interview next Thursday at a place that is a quick drive from our house, not even having to get on a highway! The $ looks good and the work itself would be something I'd enjoy and be good at--mostly data and correspondence, some client interaction. Hybrid, two days remote and 3 in office is how it's posted, but the reality of such often seems to be more remote is allowed than what was posted.

I have 2 other applications in at the same place; one is 100% remote but basically 'call center'. I did that for a few months for DMV and I was good at it, but if I had the same metrics as the permanent full time folks as far as how many calls to take per day and how much time to spend iwth each caller, I would have bombed it. Because I was a temp I was able to take the time with each caller to get to a resolution, which often involved helping older folks navigate websites and make online appointments with their particular counties, since it was during the pandemic and no DMV/DPS offices were allowing walk-ins. I have no regrets about that; the folks calling in were often on hold for significant amount of time, so it seemed only fair to spend as much time as needed to get their situations resolved.

Anyhoooooooooo, I had awful night sweats last night. My hysterectomy was ages ago and you'd think my body would have settled down but no. goddamn. Even when we had the cold snaps and it was freezing outside and in the mid 50s in the house, I still got sweaty. And now that the house is a comfortable 72 or so, I am dying all night. Wake up sweaty and absolutely foul smelling. The joys of being an old lady. I'm reading that GABA (over the counter supplement) and also Gabapentin (prescription) can be helpful for night sweats. I think I'll try the supplement first and see how it works. I should also probably stop having wine or beer with dinner and see if that helps. I don't drink every night but probably just should not. My mother had issues with alcohol and my cousin B is in recovery. I don't drink to excess, I don't get sloppy or stupid, I don't see or feel that drinking is keeping me from doing anything, or ruining my life or my health, but isn't all of that that the sort of thing alcoholics say? A beer with dinner, or a bottle of wine split among 4 people with supper, sometimes I Irish up my coffee on the weekends...I dunno. I should just stop drinking for a while and see how that feels.

Politics is...awful. We have early voting in less than a month. I'm hopeful but cynical all at once. I hope Ken Paxton gets voted out, at least.

Cousin B started a new job and I'm dogsitting for him while he's at work. His pup gets along great with ours, and it's nice to feel like I'm helping him out. He's getting his first paycheck this week and wants to take me and Thax out for supper as a 'thank you' for us being supportive and helpful in his job hunt. and letting him come over on sundays for cousins' supper. I mean, he cooks, it's a win-win as far as I'm concerned. But as kind as Aunt L and Uncle B have been to take him in and let him get his head on straight again, it's been stressful for him to live with them, for everyone. So giving him another place to go has been good.

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Just bitchin

Mon, 09 Feb 2026 20:18:11 GMT

I don't do sportsball, so I didn't watch the game, the commercials, or the halftime show (s). Today I am glad I don't work in an office, so I don't haave to hear about any of that.

I got up today and started laundry, walked and fed dogs, went to the store and got supper fixins for the week. I arbitrarily decided at some point in the past that I don't cook on weekends. But if I don't plan, shop, and cook, then when and whether or not I eat on weekends depends on husband planning, shopping, and cooking, and it seems to annoy and frustrate him to do that. So I need to either decide that I *do* cook on weekends and just do that, or I need to stop expecting husband to do something that is difficult for him and unpleasant for all concerned. It's not like there's not food in the house, I could cook on weekends. Or I could reheat leftovers for myself. What I don't want to do is 7 nights a week of meal planning, shopping, and preparations. I know I'm not working an not bringing in money but I feel like I deserve a break on weekends, too. just to enjoy my time with my husband. But the expectation of me not cooking and him having to think of something makes him stressed and he definitely deserves to rest and relax when he's not working, especially on weekends. I didn't want to turn me not cooking two nights a week into a stress point, or a fight. When all else fails, let go of expectations. Let go of depending on anyone but me to feed and care for me.That seems bleak and sad but better than fighting or being hungry. So. Husband isn't a bad person. Just...a white guy who lives in a white guy world.

I try not to be a burden or a trouble. I know I'm not bringing money in. I am cooking and taking care of dogs and keeping the house stocked with things like toilet paper and aspirin and normal stuff we all need and use and sometimes I attempt cleaning house and mostly I keep up with laundry. I know I'm not the best 'housewife' in the world; my mother didn't really raise me to be a 'homemaker' because she was a 60s era feminist, she didnt' want me to settle for being a wife and mother, she wanted me to get educated and have a career, and I did those things and i liked them, ish. Probably should have figured out the abusive shitty job situation sooner than I did and gotten into something better, but I didn't. And of course last year was a fucking fiasco as far as career stuff, oh well. As far as 'housewife things,' I figured out cooking anyway because I like food and I like to eat. But the rest of it.....I'm still basically guessing what grownups do inside their houses to make things look like an adult lives there and not a pack of Lost Boys and/or feral possums. And the house is too cluttered and shameful (plus I have no money) to ask or pay someone else to do it.

Anyway. I'm irritated and frustrated and fucking sick of the patriarchy and all of its brain poison.

anyway. blah. I'm tired of this life. I don't know what else I could/should be doing though.

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stuff n junk

Fri, 06 Feb 2026 20:07:38 GMT

I have been slowly succumbing to The Nothing. sleeping later every day, though I do still get up, keep up with personal hygeine and dog care. Make dinner every day M-F. some house task daily. 1-3 job applications every day. I don't feel like I'm doing enough. but I'm still doing. I think I found the one I really want - it's a remote 'call center' type job, but it's permanent and pays well. remote means I can work from anywhere.

Housemate Sam has notary coming tomorrow from her father in law. Her deceased husband's stepdad, he is selling his deceased wife's home and wanted Sam to get her deceased husband's share. her FIL and SIL have been working fairly hard to do right by her and she seems to be resisting them tooth and nail. she says they weren't there for her when her husband passed and she's traumatized about that...but they seem to be trying to do the right thing by her now. They didn't have to. Anyway, she is saying that when/if she gets this $ she is going to get an apartment in town someplace. My aunt L. suggested we try and keep her dog. Her erratic schedule, tendency to sleep and watch TV all day every day, not leave the house but maybe every 1-2 weeks for groceries...not really ideal for a dog. Or for anyone, really. But her two cats aren't as negatively effected as a dog would be by such a life. Plus Thax has really bonded with her little dog. And he seems happier and healthier and enjoys being part of our 'pack'

Brother A. is also making noises about striking out on his own. Possibly because he's not happy with Sam's presence in the house; she's opinionated and loud when she does make an appearance, tends to gravitate towards negative news items involving child abuse and rape, which are very triggering for A to hear about, and her catbox does reek. So....all reasons to want to gtfo. He's already spent his inheritance in his head; when/if it materializes, it'll be gone in no time. I h aven't minded having him living with us, he's usually in his own room or out doing his own things. I hope he manages to be successful when he goes out on his own and stuff. He's gotten an LLC registered for his art business. I really want to see him do well, but that's a hard road.

Being jobless, I stay close to home, only spend money on groceries, try not to be frivolous. It's boring and sad.

I did spend $25 for our dog Sunny to go running at the lure course last Sunday. And she had so much fun, and I did too, so we are doing it again on the 15th.

The 16th is Thax's birthday. aunt L. wants to take us out for dinner. He has to pick the place. I have no idea what to do for him or give to him. maybe just something romantic and cost free, winky winky.

The internet knows what I want, and here's my list to look back and buy myself Litlle Treats when or if I'm ever working or ever have money again.

https://www.teepublic.com/t-shirt/9654087-pc-load-letter

https://ambreblends.com/products/sample-pack-of-all-five-essences

https://www.annieoakley.com/product/3437/little-annie-s-travelers-wild-west-for-her

https://lareefragrances.com/products/golden-amber

https://texastallowproducts.com/collections/all

https://nopalera.co/products/dulce-de-cuerpo-hand-cream-travel-fragrance-set

https://diocandlecompany.com/collections/candles-and-wax-tarts

https://shop.themaker.com/collections/discovery-sets/products/discovery-set-bundle

https://5sens.co/products/discovery-kit

https://www.theperfumedcourt.com/Products/Urban-OutfittersLe-Monde-Gourmand-Copal-de-Terre-EdP__UOCOPAL.aspx

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Thu, 29 Jan 2026 19:55:23 GMT

did not sleep well or comfortably last night; dogs squishing me out of the bed, ankle and knee pain, congested and headachey....and then the dreams were.... just wierd. First I was on a date? or meeting someone? turned out he was a big star wars Empire fan boy and his place was all done up in black furniture and red neon lighting. As soon as I saw his space, I got red flags and knew I wasn't safe and needed to leave. I asked where the bathroom was, and it was normal. (like he'd never used it so it was pretty much however it was when he moved in, generic white towels, etc.) and then I tried to leave but ended up in some kind of maze like parking garage. Aunt L. showed up and was trying to help me find my car. Which was the Tercel she gave me when I was in college. I remember being a little distressed because there wasn't a key fob with a 'panic' button I could hit so the car would honk and I could find it. We went to this dead end alleyway and it was all enclosed in wire mesh and there was this...metallic robot snake trying to fly/jump up and attack/electrocute us, but it couldn't get to us because of the cage. We crawled through an ice tunnel and finally found the car. I don't remember anything else about that dream.

another dream: my mom was driving us around in the VW vanagon we had when I was in high school. It was me, Thax, Flavio, and Alex. She dropped us off at this shop that was full of essential oils and rocks and stuff (a witch shop/head shop, I guess?) but it was also full of dogs, kind of like greyhounds. They were leashed and tied at several places in the store so that if you went to try on a particular fragrance they'd block you and want attention. Nothing vicious or violent in the feel of it, just nuisancy. And I think there was a comic book store in teh same strip mall so Flavio had gone there. He was in his black gentlemanly Steampunk outfit. The one we buried him in...I guess it was good to see him again but we didn't interact much. The location of these shops is a very specific place here in Austin, the 'creekside square' shopping center on Anderson. Of course, it doesn't have a witch shop or a comic book shop in real life. It used to have a pretty cool bead store called Nomadic Notions, and a really good mexican food place with custom stamped leather menus. It was pricey for a town full of texmex, but not nearly as pricey as the atmosphere would suggest it should be. now it's a jack alens kitchen, blecch.

Anyhooo....I stayed in bed until almost noon. Little dog snuggled with me but brother A. took the two bigger dogs out for a walk. I did get out of bed to pee and feed dogs and start laundry but then I went and laid around some more. feeling very depressed and unpeopley and unmotivated.

I came out to put things in the dryer and go ahead and wash,d ress, and do humany things today. Housemate Sam was in her chair in the living room, brother A. was on the couch checking his phone. I said something about how I have to get up and get going and she said "no you don't, you can just stay in your pajamas all day' (like she does) .....I wanted to say something rude and tacky but I did not. I just said "no, I can't let depression win!" and went on about my business.

But, seriously, how the fuck does she think things stay even vaguely cleanish and orderlyish around here? Thax works, he's allowed to come home and flop out and be lazy and dirty all weekend. I am really the only person in this house who plans, shops for, and makes meals. If the toilet gets scrubbed, it's me doing that, if the sink or tub get clean at all, that's me. If there's dusting or vacuuming or dishes or laundry (Ok, Sam does her own laundry and so does A.) it's ME doing it. we don't have fucking house elves. I was stunned and offended by her comment. No, I dont suppose I 'have to' wash and dress and get the fu ck out of bed every day and do something to try and stem the tide of filth and chaos in my home, but I also know I'd just be even more depressed and miserable if I didn't do those things. The dirt and dog stink and clutter don't help my mental health. And I know her room stinks from out in the hall, so I'm betting the cat boxex and clutter in her own space aren't helping her state of mind any, either. But if she wants to stay in PJS all day every day and stay in bed for most of the time and only shower every 4 or 5 days, that's her business. It's not how I care to live and she benefits from the work I do, even if she doesn't notice or acknowlege it. I don't keep my h ouse spotless and stink free by any means but I do try and do something every day But it occurred to me today that I need to probably spend one day a week out of the house, doing *something* that is not cooking, cleaning, job hunting, or rattling around in my house. But also not spending money. So....maybe long walks at a park or greenbelt with the dogs, or something. while the weather isn't trying to kill us.

I am fucking depressed. I understand at this moment why my ex kept talking bout burning the house down and starting over. I understand his feelings. I am not going to do anything drastic or crazy. Someday I'll be sad that I didn't use all of this free time in a better way.

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Tue, 27 Jan 2026 19:19:58 GMT

We survived the freezing and sleeting over the weekend; Thax got a day off yesterday and a half day at work today.

Cousin B. started his new job today instead of yesterday; he's already having second thoughts due to compensation and commute; the work itself is work he likes and wants to do but maybe not for these guys. He is going ahead with a final interview at another place and will take that if it's offered. Not as cool of a job, but better pay and benefits. It's nice to have options.

My job hunt continues; I am thinking I am involunarily retired at this point, whether I like it or not. Just have to figure out how to limp along to end of 2028 where I'll get to start collecting my state retirement. If the state still exists by then and if they're still solvent and if they haven't passed legislation to not give benefits to filthy commie libtards. And if I haven't been murdered in the street or dragged off to the camps by federally funded domestic terrorists...

Housemate Sam is in a bunch because her deceased husband's family is trying to contact her; her husband died and then his brother died within the same year, Sam is very mad at her SIL for not being more supportive of her after her husband's death. I have suggested as kindly as possible that perhaps one should give grace to a person who lost both of her brothers in a short span of time and therefore had no more emotional energy to give to one of her brothers' grieving widows (basically putting myself mentally in a situation where Brother A and Sineater passed in a short span, and what if anything I'd feel like saying to or doing for skye_ds under those circumstances--not much, I'd wager)....Sam is a prime grudge holder. Worse than me, and I didn't think such things were possible. Anyway, apparently her deceased husband's stepfather is selling some property and wants Sam to get her deceased husband's share of whatever it is. The SIL is being improperly communicative, saying things like 'you need to call me,' and 'you have to...' bla bla bla, and this is rubbing Sam the wrong way. We'll see if she continues to be moved to cut off her nose to spite her face and nurture that grudge over the potential benefits of cooperating and communicating with her deceased husband's family. It's not my business either way, but Sam is fussing and complaining about it a lot. At one point, Sam said all she wanted was a little house out on her sister in law's property where she could just rest and live quietly until her death which she still feels is imminent, though she's not talking suicide anymore. I wish that was a viable option for her; living in a single room with two cats in my house isn't good or healthy for anyone, I don't think.

2025 was a year of terrible mistakes. I am finding it very difficult to stop 'coulda, shoulda, woulda'-ing myself over them and I am being consumed by The Nothing, harder and harder every day to get up and look for jobs and do what I need to do. Mistakes happen. I need to learn and go forward and do better as a result of whatever I've learned. I am not accomplishing anything by ruminating and kicking myself for ruining my life last year with a series of poor choices and mistakes.

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