(no subject)

 So...housemate has somehow added the aroma of cabbage or broccoli [edit to add: it was apparently a baked potato. with, I guess broccoli and cheese on it?] to the catbox and MJ melange at the front door. It is unconscionable.

I went to Trader Joe's and HEB so I've been out of the house for a lot of today. Housemate isn't particularly friendly to me when it's just us. Which is fine. Just a big change from her behavior in front of my husband. I got some more air freshener for the front entryway. sigh.

She told me this affternoon that she realizes she's overstayed her welcome and that she is sorry she asked me for help. (or she regrets asking me for help? something like that)  It's either manipulation or sincerity but either way, I had no reply. It would be rude to agree and it would be lying to disagree. I just told her that I was disappointed that none of her other local friends seem to have stepped up or reached out. She said something about how people are busy living their own lives and she understands. But not even just to offer to socialize... then again, I do recall that one of her high school friends was going to be in town during spring break and reached out and housemate turned her down (she was feeling sick that week, I think, puking a lot)

Other than one couple, who invited her (and us) to a friday after thanksgiving gathering (we went), and for a new years gathering (I think Husband and I had something else going on, and housemate didn't  go. I guess she didn't want to drive herself or uber or anything)

I mean, yeah, we all have lives and stuff going on. But I dont' think much of the people she came back to Austin because she supposedly had such a good bunch of people here and loves this town*so much*....

She organized one get together at a bar down south.  it was me, the couple that's invited us over a couple of times, and one other couple. But as far as I know that's it from them.

My mom dying last June, and the ongoing unemployment fiasco has really knocked the wind out of my sails. I don't seem to have many 'spoons' for other people.  When I heard about my mom, I was at housemate's storage unit, having driven her in her car (I don't remember why I was asked/expected to drive?)  She was relentlessly self centered through that news and I don't th ink she said one kind or sympathetic thing. I said my mom was gone, and she started in with  a continuation of her monologue about how was she going to do this or get that, and I was just like . "My mom just died, can you please give me a fucking break?" and then I guess I drove her back to the house, got in my bug and went to San Marcos for the rest of the day to some of my mom's college stomping grounds.(and the check engine light came on as I was making the trip to or from...ugh)  Anyway, damn. I guess housemate's deal is that she is a widow whose husband died suddenly and unexpectedly and she had a terrible fall and was in her basement for days and she's had all these health things so she feels entitled to center herself in every situation because her pain and distress are greater than anyone else's. I mean, yeah, those are terrible things. But I feel like she really showed me who she is at that moment and I really was done at that moment because while I am a good person (codependent doormat) who goes above and beyond for friends and family who are in trouble and need help, the one time I might have needed some kindness and care...she didn't have it to give.  And do I really want or need one sided relationships? I'd rather have no relationships

I know I haven't had the best relationship with my mom, and her dying was a blessing considering the state she had been in for the last couple years, but still.  Anyway, once you see someone's true colors like that...hard to bother with giving a shit about them anymore.  Insufferable main character syndrome.  

I don't see myself as main character syndome. I mean, my life is important to me. but most of the time I'm happy to listen to other people and not need to be center stage. But, yeah...sometimes I need care and attention too.   

though I suspect I've trained/conditioned all of the people in my life to need and depend on me and not expect me to ever need or depend on them.  I am not great with boundaries. I give and do and give and do..and then I'm done and the door slams and people are left out in the cold going 'wtf' because I probably didn't say anything before I slammed the door in their faces and turned them out.

oh well. I'm going to be 56 years old soon. I suspect this is who I am and that I won't be having too many close friendships or relationships from here until the end.   It's probably not healthy to be thinking "i'd rather be alone than stuck doing and giving to people who don't give a shit about me," it does seem to my smart brain that there is some middle path of reciprocal relationship and healthy interdependence...but I haven't found or created that for myself in my relationships so I don't think it's going to be a thing in my life.

anyhoo....housemate has been working with an apartment complex to do a final walk thru of a place she likes and start the moving process. It will be good to have an empty room to use to put things as we have flooring done in the rest of the house, when there's money again.

Job hunting continues. I have no hope in that area whatsoever.  Spot silver is $80/oz. I have some silver coins my father left to me, should it come to that. 

I fed and walked dogs, halfass made the bed ( Pepita dog was in the bed 'helping' so it's not the best job ever), swept and mopped in the kitchen and dining area, loaded and ran the dishwasher, had leftover pizza and instant coffee for breakfast. I think I remembered to take my vitamins. I'm going to lunch with my aunt L. tomorrow, and Thursday is Sunny dog's vet checkup.