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evile My mother died sometime this morning, official time of death was pronounced at 8something AM, but my sister said she was gone before that, in her sleep.
I had insomnia last night (been a lot of that lately)...I finally switched off the computers and phone screens around 1am and just forced myself to lay in bed, hot bored and uncomfortable, just laying there, doing nothing, until I guess I finally went to sleep. Sometime while it was still dark and before Thax's 6am alarm, I woke up to the sound of humming, and something that sounded kind of like native american chanting, low male voice or voices in an eerie, strange melody. There didn't seem to be a pattern or a repeated line or chorus or anythng, just louder and softer, higher and lower notes, humming/chanting I don't know if my brother A. was awake and playing music in his room, or if it was that thing where your mind wants to interpret odd sounds as music or voices. It could have just as well been the sound of the fan combining with the sound of the dog snoring.
Anyway....I listened for a while and it did occur to me at the time that my mother might be passing at that exact moment. I won't ever have a way of knowing and it doesn't matter.
I was thinking, back in mid May that my mom might die on my bday. When that day passed, I saw that the full pink moon is on my sister's bday this year--June 11, and I felt pretty sure that mom would go on June 11. But she surprised me and died on my SIL "Skye"'s bday.
A few times it's occurred to me that my mom might have wanted a daughter more like Skye than like me; many of the gifts mom sent over the years were in purple (Skye's color, NOT mine), small (Skye's feet are sz 7, mine are 9, her fingers and wrists are smaller than mine, and mom has sent shoes and jewelry that were those sizes and in fashions more suited to Skye than to me. Gifts of tarot cards and witchy images, western/horsey things, candles, etc. She once sent me a wierd 'witch box' that she probably found in a thrift store but was apparently part of some kind of 'occult' themed subscription box....anyway... many presents over the years that were nothing to do with my taste or style or size, and more suited to Skye. To be sure, mom also recognized that Skye was a bitch, who was mean to people and animals, and dishonest, and cruel.... but I think mom really was enchanted with the witchy, horsey, magickal part of Skye's personality.... and it's possible that if Skye had grown up with a momo like mine, she might have not turned out so mean and bad.... I dunno. something I thought of as I realized the significance of today being a certain birthday and a certain death day. I think Skye and my mother both shared a sense of contempt for me being a dull bureaucratic wage slave for so long. I did creative and fun things in my 'real life' spare time, and did not give any of my creative spirit to work and maybe that was a bad or stupid compromise, and maybe it was or is contemptible. Skye has insisted on being a 'successful' independent' 'businesswoman' and living life on her own terms despite the fact that her husband and her partner do the majority of the heavy lifting to make her 'successful'....maybe mom saw herself in that, as she was an 'independent' woman who went and lived on the rez and taught native kids while her husband provided support from afar. She certainly would not have been able to do that without someone keeping a 'home base' and doing a lot of work in the background to let her do what she wanted to do.
I don't have much in the way of grief, now or maybe ever. During the early days of my brother A's incarceration, we had some words and I realized that I can love someone and still not like them very much. The Xmas we went up and got snowed in, the visit was nice for a while but then Mom got sick of having me around and started in on the passive aggressive shitty behavior, which Thax saw for the first time and realized why I don't love my mom as much as everyone else seems to. But then he and Mom both decided that they don't remember any of that and Mom rewrote that visit as a wonderful time for everyone that we should all get together and do again, while my own avoidant/dissociaitive tendencies kept me from rememberig it clearly..but still not wanting to accept the gaslighting "oh that didn't really happen//oh that wasn't as bad as you feel (can't remember) it was" ... I don't think Thax has a great memory, either. But him trying to minimize how bad that situation felt for me after the fact while seeming to acknowledge it being bad at the time it was happening...sits wrong with me, even now. Mom tried to kill herself in....2022? early 2023? before she broke her hip and after she realized that her mental capacity was slipping and she was losing the ability to do things like drive, type, read, write, etc. She tried to kill herself sometime in her teens to. There may have been other attempts I don't know about. She has wanted to be dead for as long as I can remember. And now she is dead. I hope she is at peace. And I have to be, too. For the parenting I got, even if it wasn't what child-me wanted or needed, it's all there is. All there was. All they had to give, as deficient as it was for child-me. And now they're all gone.
I had insomnia last night (been a lot of that lately)...I finally switched off the computers and phone screens around 1am and just forced myself to lay in bed, hot bored and uncomfortable, just laying there, doing nothing, until I guess I finally went to sleep. Sometime while it was still dark and before Thax's 6am alarm, I woke up to the sound of humming, and something that sounded kind of like native american chanting, low male voice or voices in an eerie, strange melody. There didn't seem to be a pattern or a repeated line or chorus or anythng, just louder and softer, higher and lower notes, humming/chanting I don't know if my brother A. was awake and playing music in his room, or if it was that thing where your mind wants to interpret odd sounds as music or voices. It could have just as well been the sound of the fan combining with the sound of the dog snoring.
Anyway....I listened for a while and it did occur to me at the time that my mother might be passing at that exact moment. I won't ever have a way of knowing and it doesn't matter.
I was thinking, back in mid May that my mom might die on my bday. When that day passed, I saw that the full pink moon is on my sister's bday this year--June 11, and I felt pretty sure that mom would go on June 11. But she surprised me and died on my SIL "Skye"'s bday.
A few times it's occurred to me that my mom might have wanted a daughter more like Skye than like me; many of the gifts mom sent over the years were in purple (Skye's color, NOT mine), small (Skye's feet are sz 7, mine are 9, her fingers and wrists are smaller than mine, and mom has sent shoes and jewelry that were those sizes and in fashions more suited to Skye than to me. Gifts of tarot cards and witchy images, western/horsey things, candles, etc. She once sent me a wierd 'witch box' that she probably found in a thrift store but was apparently part of some kind of 'occult' themed subscription box....anyway... many presents over the years that were nothing to do with my taste or style or size, and more suited to Skye. To be sure, mom also recognized that Skye was a bitch, who was mean to people and animals, and dishonest, and cruel.... but I think mom really was enchanted with the witchy, horsey, magickal part of Skye's personality.... and it's possible that if Skye had grown up with a momo like mine, she might have not turned out so mean and bad.... I dunno. something I thought of as I realized the significance of today being a certain birthday and a certain death day. I think Skye and my mother both shared a sense of contempt for me being a dull bureaucratic wage slave for so long. I did creative and fun things in my 'real life' spare time, and did not give any of my creative spirit to work and maybe that was a bad or stupid compromise, and maybe it was or is contemptible. Skye has insisted on being a 'successful' independent' 'businesswoman' and living life on her own terms despite the fact that her husband and her partner do the majority of the heavy lifting to make her 'successful'....maybe mom saw herself in that, as she was an 'independent' woman who went and lived on the rez and taught native kids while her husband provided support from afar. She certainly would not have been able to do that without someone keeping a 'home base' and doing a lot of work in the background to let her do what she wanted to do.
I don't have much in the way of grief, now or maybe ever. During the early days of my brother A's incarceration, we had some words and I realized that I can love someone and still not like them very much. The Xmas we went up and got snowed in, the visit was nice for a while but then Mom got sick of having me around and started in on the passive aggressive shitty behavior, which Thax saw for the first time and realized why I don't love my mom as much as everyone else seems to. But then he and Mom both decided that they don't remember any of that and Mom rewrote that visit as a wonderful time for everyone that we should all get together and do again, while my own avoidant/dissociaitive tendencies kept me from rememberig it clearly..but still not wanting to accept the gaslighting "oh that didn't really happen//oh that wasn't as bad as you feel (can't remember) it was" ... I don't think Thax has a great memory, either. But him trying to minimize how bad that situation felt for me after the fact while seeming to acknowledge it being bad at the time it was happening...sits wrong with me, even now. Mom tried to kill herself in....2022? early 2023? before she broke her hip and after she realized that her mental capacity was slipping and she was losing the ability to do things like drive, type, read, write, etc. She tried to kill herself sometime in her teens to. There may have been other attempts I don't know about. She has wanted to be dead for as long as I can remember. And now she is dead. I hope she is at peace. And I have to be, too. For the parenting I got, even if it wasn't what child-me wanted or needed, it's all there is. All there was. All they had to give, as deficient as it was for child-me. And now they're all gone.
