evile | Entries tagged with life

well, I had an entry but then it was inadvertently deleted as I was typing it. probably for the best. bunch of nonsense and bitching.

birthday was alright. brunch with my aunt L. Dinner with my husband, a comedy of errors/crowds/bad timing/bad waitstaff. Makes me remember why I dont' really like going out in the world anymore.

still looking for work; have lost the thread on my data analyst bootcamp and hte instructor is back on the 'post shit to linkedin' tack instead of the 'how to do data' stuff, and I am kinda done with that. Anything about making content and liking other people's content gives me flashbacks to the early 2000s(?) when everyone was blogging and promoting other bloggs and that whole "make money writing blogs and promoting other peoples blogs" wierd stuff. Seth somebody? Godin? Grodin? and Pace and her crew....washerwomen taking in each others' laundry. I'm sorry but it's a closed system and money needs to be entering from *somewhere* in order to make you successful. Not buying it, not selling it, not interested in it at all. If I'm writing for a living might as well try writing a book or something, which I'm also not going to do. Anything I've ever done for fun and then tried to do for money instantly became a huge drag, not to mention not successful at making me money, so why ruin my fun for nothing.

Anyhoo...brother A. has started a new job. Cousin B. is looking for work and interviewing and hedging his bets by not selling his house in OR just in case he gets a job u p there....with no friends, no family, no sanity, no support system against his addictions... I don't know why he's not done with OR but he's just ...not. He had an interview here in town on Mon and didn't get it. He didn't say anything more about it. Weird.

My sister H . called yesterday and we talked. Apparently people in hospice can pretty much ask their dr for any and all drugs and get them. I'm sure there's a huge bunch of scammy scandal going on with that industry. Not my mom and sister of course because they're honest decent people....but the industry in general seems ripe for druggie scumbags.

We're full up on fascism here in the US. Makes it hard to try and keep doing normal things like a normal person, but that's been life since, what, 2016, basically. Keep pretending that the horrible shit that is happening is somehow normal and acceptable because there seems to be fuck-all all anyone can do about it. The institutions and individuals that were supposed to be protecting the constitution and rule of law have rolled over on their backs and peed themselves.

that's about it.

had an interesting experience yesterday. Well maybe more than one.

Commented on an anonymous forum about being willing to get rid of some nasty government people if the president used his new 'official powers' given by the crappy supreme court to give me the 'go ahead' & no legal repercussions.

Said something in RL to my aunt along those same lines. Just put me in a room with -------------- and a bone saw....I mean, yes I am fat and old and female and squeamish but these motherfuckers have been threatening my life & the lives of people i care about for a long time now there's only so much terror I can take.

Stopped at CVS on the way home for baby aspirin & potato chips. When I arrived, there was a black clad 'tactical gear' type military/police guy with the black and gray US flag insignia but no other markings on his uniform, standing in the doorway. I walked around the store and seemed to keep running into him. As I got the chips, he was in that area, sitting down in front of the photo ordering machines, seemed to be speaking with someone on the phone/earpiece, kind of laughing about whatever, but still looking at me.

I wonder if that was the government checking to see if I was actually a credible threat. ick. I hate to be that weird and paranoid but it was really weird and creepy-feeling. Anyway, I left and went home,did housework and job hunting.

Got 4 calls from different recruiters yesterday. Only one of the positions is even slightly work from home. I was told by one recruiter that companies seem to be moving away from remote work and back to fully in office roles. I"m not interested in that. Especially not the ones that are 7-4 or 8-5 and located in fucking Bee Cave. On the best traffic day, that's at least 35 minutes each way. And employers never seem to want to acknowledge or compensate people for having that part of their day rendered useless. Only 'butt in chair' time counts, when they know damn good and well you wouldn't be stuck in traffic if you didn't need to put your butt in their chair. As far as I'm concerned, that time should count and be compensated in some way.

But I am in touch with one lady who is recruiting for a hybrid position, 2-3 days per week at home and the rest in-office. Possibly as much as $23/hour. I could probably make that work.

Applied for a permanent full time position at Thax's work. Applied for a fully remote state job. I'm trying to feed the pipeline and hoping to be employed again very soon.

Aunt L. and I tried to go to the place where we are moving Mom later this month; they said they moved her to a bigger room than room they said she was going to be in, but her new room was currently occupied....they said the lady in that room is moving 'tomorrow' around 2...she was sleeping so we didn't get to see the room. New room is supposedly bigger (better?) than the room she was initially assigned to, and the bathroom is just outside that room, BUT mom's room was supposed to be available for us to start moving stuff into, or decorating, or whatever, as of June 26 or 27, and what if we had shown up with furniture yesterday? That would have been a huge hassle. And it also occurred to me to wonder if two families were being charged at the same time for that same room? I talked with my sister H, who is mom's power of attorney/medical power of attorney and she is going to bring the concerns on the ethics of that to the lady in charge.... she was hesitant but I was like "look, let's get it squared awy NOW rather than later. If they are sketchy and unethical, we don't want mom living there, and we don't want to find out after we've got mom settled, and then have to move her again,"...my sister H. does not like confrontation (though she is good at it, because she manages to stay calm and speak clearly without profanity...unlike some big sisters I could name)

Anyyhoo.......moving mom mid month it's coming up soon. I have anxiety and sadness about it. I can't wait to get my dementia advance directive signed because I NEVER want to exist like that.

All the temp jobs I'm looking at would be starting at the beginning of August.

I have to get a filling at the dentist next Tuesday, and going to file my transfer on death on Friday at the county so Thax or H can get my house after I die with less hassle, and Pepita has a vet appointment the 25th, and need to get shit notarized and signed by two witnesses (where do I find 2 people who like me enough to do that, anymore. hahaha. I have no RL friends anymore!!!! And Thax looked over everything I printed for him but seems to have no movement towards wanting to get his stuff signed and notarized, or I'd prevail on his friends to be my witnesses, too...sigh.)

anyway. trying to stay busy and stuff. Getting up with Thax every morning during the work week to walk dogs and not going back to bed after he goes to work. trying to do some housework every day, of some kind, usually dishes and/ or laundry. did 10 min on the under desk elliptical on 7/1, and 10 min on the exercise bike in the garage yesterday. Trying to be consistent with that, thanks to the blood pressure thing....no alcohol yet this month. trying to be moderate about caffeine, sugar, and white foods.... this is only day #3 so there's nothing braggable there yet, but let's keep going and see waht happens.

After I bought the baby aspirin I started reading and apparently it's no longer recommended unless a person has already had a stroke or heart attack, because aspirin can cause bleeding (stomach? internal elsewhere? dunno).... so maybe I wont' be taking a daily baby aspirin. Which they no longer call baby aspirin and no longer carry on the kids' drug aisle, btw. it's on the shelves in the grownup section. But they do still make some that dissolve and taste like chalky orange or cherry medicine. I got the 'enteric coated' instead btw. I'm a grownup, I can take a pill.

blah blah. I'm procrastinating on putting away dishes from the dishwasher.

I read an article about a couple in the Netherlands (?) who elected to have euthanasia at the same time. The husband had a chronic back condition that gave him constant pain,and the wife was newly diagnosed with dementia so they decided it was time to go. Had a final dinner with their family and went to the hospice home and got medicine to help them die. Both age 70, childhood sweethearts, married for 50 years. I love that.

Current Mood: anxious

I don't know why I do this but it tends to be a habit of mine --around my birthday every year I end up buying myself a few presents for sillies. Plus I'm starting a new job soon so I don't have to be quite as careful with my money (so says my inner child anyhow....)

So, I went to CVS last Friday and got myself some new toner and a set of fake nails. The toner is super nice, makes my skin very soft. I like it.
The nails are super super fun and shiny and for a side benefit it's kept me from biting and picking at my cuticles/hangnails. My hands actually look very good right now. (age spots aside. I got some Glycolic acid for that, but it is going to take several weeks to see any success from that)

Facebook has become fairly useless as far as keeping up with people I know and care about. Lots of ragebait news stories and for some reason a lot of 'advice column' type content a la 'am I the asshole' from redit. I admit, other people's drama that affects me not at all is very entertaining so I probably clicked a couple of them and now FB feeds them to me constantly. Also stuff about 'so and so said I couldn't have my dog at their wedding so I got my REVENGE!' type dumb stories. I try to hide those whenever I see them. FB also feeds me lots and lots of ads. They know what I like --soap, perfume, makeup, dog stuff.

I impulse-purchased some perfume oils from Alohatherapy, a site FB pushed to me. They sent me the ones I ordered plus a small bottle of 'magnolia'... I would not have thought I'd like it but I really do. I ordered Amber [I'm always looking for a good Amber], Frankincense & Myrrh, and, on impulse, "Hawaiian Dreams"

So anyhoo....I have a couple more sets of fake nails coming. The blue/green/purple shift version of the ones I'm wearing now, plus a 'zodiac' set in Taurus theme. Fun & sillly.

And I got a book that was recommended by a friend, Big Magic. It's by the author of Eat Pray Love, which I thought was not-good..but I'm thinking/hoping the author has grown some and has some good & interesting things to say.

Mostly though I need to settle down with the spending and get myself into good habits. New job starts 5/28. Monthly expenses are cell phones, house/car insurance, and groceries. Annual expense is property tax which if I put away some every month won't be such a shocker in January. And Pepita needs hip dysplasia surgery which I've read costs around 7K. She and Sunny are around 4 years old so I think it's best to try and get it done when she's younger instead of waiting until she's older or at a point where it's obviously causing her discomfort or difficulty. Right now she's getting along great; I think it's good that we walk twice a day so she's been able to build some muscle in her legs. Other than that, the dogs are healthy. Their Simparica Trio is expensive but it protects from just about all the bad stuff.

I was feeling very low energy and run down back in march/april...I've started taking 10mg of iron daily and that seems to have resolved that.

I'm still obese. I am not actively taking any action as far as medication, diet or exercise to mitigate this. I have failed so many times that I don't really feel like trying anything even though I don't like what I look like in the mirror. Healthwise im fine. It would probably be good to be stronger.

I am still waffling about whether or not buying an ebike would actually get me out riding a bike / getting exercise or not. I don't want to waste money on something I won't use. Again with the 'failed so many times I've given up' stuff.

Anyhooooooo

I am bored and tired. I cleaned the work/computer room in anticipation of new job. I'm doing something in the house every day while I'm not employed - dishes, laundry, vaccuum, change sheets, take out trash, etc. I'm sure I should be doing more. I sometimes think about posting in FB saying I'm free for lunch or coffee while I wait for new job to start....but what if someone takes me up on it? What if no one does? I can't decide which would be worse.

I turn 54 on the 20th. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I used to think 54 was old.

Age: 53. will be 54 in May

Hair color: natural: dark brown going silver, dyed fading Dragon Fuschia. I tried growing it out to the natural mostly gray/silver but I got antsy and colored it again. I could probably deal with it fine *if* I didn't have to deal with the awkward in between color phase. bleh.Or maybe not. I'm being more vain and silly about getting older than I thought I'd be.

Home: 1725 square foot single family single story in the University Hills area of Austin, TX. Owned free and clear, but property taxes are a bitch. My brother A lives in the master bedroom that we converted to a semi private apartment (still has door inside but also has exterior door)

Married: yep. still married, 5 years in August. Thax is a patient and good man

Other relationships: not really...I'm becoming a hermit

Pets: 3 dogs. Boba - Black Basset-Lab mix, 60 lbs (8yrs or so) Sunny - white with cream spots rough terrier mix, 20 lbs (4) Pepita - brown and white short haired chihua/rat terrier mix 11 lbs (also about 4)

Health - good. I tripped and fell Xmas night and hurt my ankle, but it's getting better quickly. Which is good because I'm overly dramatic and freaked out by not being able to walk.

Weight - bleh. 250 ish lbs, size 20. Not pretty to look at but blood pressure, blood sugar, cholesterol, etc. are all in the healthy range

Meds - still taking 1 mg oral estrogen / RX. GP/Primary Dr would like me to quit due to risk of breast cancer but hasn't offered any alternative for preventing night sweats. Endocrinologist who prescribed them hasn't raised any concerns. Various multivitamins and supplements erratically. Amla is the best anti inflammatory I've found.

Other body/health: I discovered red light therapy bed in 2023 and got a membership at tan etc to go on a regular basis but between this and that and the other I haven't gone as often as I'd like, however, red light is also a good thing. I'm walking the dogs twice a day morning and evening, I have an under desk elliptical machine that I use for a couple miles a day, and I have a foot and leg massage machine that gets a lot of use.

Finances - pretty good. I'm working full time from home making more than I made at the state. It's a staffing agency so no benefits but the pay is real nice. Health insurance through Thax' work will be kicking in Feb. No debts. End of year property tax payment was paid by me straight from my bank account, 'cash' but it's left me feeling a little skint' I'll be alright, it's just a little painful to part with that much cash all at once. I'm able to buy groceries, pay vet bills, have a somewhat alarming Amazon.com habit, pay house and car insurance, pay for mine and Thax's cell phones, all in cash, no debt. So that's nice.

daily life - up at 730, wash up, walk dogs, get breakfast and coffee, work in my work/computer room, finish up, walk dogs, make supper at home (Monday - Friday, weekends we do take out or leftovers) , TV/computer/read, bed

reading: currently re reading John Varley's Titan/Wizard/Demon trilogy. It's cheezy and wierd but for some reason I always enjoy immersing myself in that world for a bit. I used to love re-reading the Pern books but the sexist, classist, homophobic undertones eventually just ruined the stories for me. And then it turns out that Anne McCaffrey is problematic. And of course I can't re-read Marion Zimmer Bradley anymore after the revelations about her child abuse, even though Mists of Avalon was such an important part of my childhood/young adulthood. I'm still not sure exactly where I stand or sit on the 'artist vs art' debate and whether a thing can be enjoyed on its own merits or if we have to hate it because the person who created it is garbage. I dunno. I can't listen to Michael Jackson anymore either. There are some old sexist writers and books that I can still take for products of their time and enjoy anyway (Heinlein, Ellison, Updike) . Oh, and i can't read Handmaids Tale anymore, though it used to be a favorite re-read. Too prescient. Apparently. Anyhoo....blather blather bla bla, onward.

I've noticed, reading back over my old journals and such, that what I'm obsessing over in the minute is not what I am interested in reading about years later. Like, what was my daily life, what did I eat and drink, who did I hang out with, what did I do for fun...so I'm trying to give a snapshot that might be more interesting to future-me.

Annnnyhoo, I went thru Google Photos and made a 'year in review' animation. 2023 was a hell of a year.

January we went to the Glass Coffin for an event & saw Paranormal Cirque with Sue, AKA "Calamity Jane" from Unobtanium. She's awesome. Scare for a Cure volunteer for many years, Daschund rescue activist, costumer, just awesome.

February we had an ice storm and we took in a stray dog for a few hours until we could find and return her to her owner. My brother A really wanted to keep her. She was a beautiful dog, very calm for a husky.

March was Bluebonnet pictures --it was a great year for bluebonnets. I always forget how they smell until I'm in a field of them again.

April we went to Galveston and took an 80's cruise with my cousin Weez and her husband and our friend Tink. I had hoped to entice more friends to come, the theme was perfect, but the timing was off and/or I am not the Queen of the Geek Cruise group so no one wanted to 'follow' me and be disloyal to the main cruise planner person and her favored cruise line, Carnival. Princess cruise line so far has the best bedding, and it's really nice to wake up to sunrise outside your balcony, and not actually get up out of bed or do anything, just enjoy the light and the comfortable pillows

May was my birthday and a rather cool, green and pleasant month for TX. Though we had months of miserable 100+ degrees and no rain, it seems the spring stayed cooler for longer so that was nice.

In June our neighbor Michael died unexpectedly. Sadly, this was his husband Charlie's second loss of a spouse. I didn't pry but I gathered that his first husband died during the AIDS crisis. So sad. Charlie's mom also died a few weeks before Michael did. Charlie wasn't close to his mom but it's a lot to deal with. He's still struggling. We try to be helpful and reach out but of the two he was always the workaholic curmudgeon while Michael was out watering his plants and spreading the neighborhood gossip.

We briefly fostered an 8 month old hound (beagle?) puppy we called 'Sploooty' but the people who adopted her named her "Charlie" to go along with their 8 month old pup "Frito". She was sweet and snuggly and full of energy, she even wore Sunny out with all the nonstop playing. Getting up every 2-3 hours for potty training was not my thing, and though I loved her dearly I'm glad we found her a better home.

In July we visited family in Oklahoma and Indiana while Thax was between jobs. We saw Eureka Springs and Hot Springs, both beautiful places. My cousin Weez and her husband joined us for the couple of days we spent in Eureka Springs. So fun. Had a good visit with the Indiana family, including my stepdad G who intended to retire end of August. I am so glad and grateful we spent some time with him.

When we came back, we ended up with another dog. Someone threw her out of a vehicle near our house and the person walking by who saw it ran to our house for help. So now we have Pepita. She's a lot of personality in a little package, but she is mostly a love.

August 1, we celebrated 5 years married. End of August, I got a call from my sister H that stepdad G was having some medical issues. Beginning of September, I flew up and held down the fort at Mom and G's house while we did what we could for G & Mom. Thanks to telework, I was able to keep my contractor job which gave me something to do in between the sad stuff. We managed to do some fun stuff too, including a little renfaire out in the middle of nowhere, Indiana. Super cute and fun. Greg declined very quickly and his son Sineater came up to be with him, too. Sineater and I had not been on speaking terms for quite some time, so it was a bittersweet reunion. I am grateful for the time we got. G. passed Sept 27. October, Thax made a new scarecrow prop for Halloween and we passed out candy to Trick-or-Treaters. My brother A treated us to the House of Torment, where we enjoyed strange drinks in the secret drink room of one of the haunted houses. There was a dog halloween party at the dog park in our neighborhood but due to weather it was just us and Flavio's "other couple" friends & their dog Aubrey. We still had fun.

November was a quiet Thanksgiving at Aunt L & Uncle B's . Pepita had dental surgery and lost 9 teeth, 8 of them right up front. Went back to Greencastle for G's memorial 'celebration of life' at his workplace. it was good, sad. His brother B came up, and my stepbro sineater, and my friend J-Law and her husband, and many of my sister H's friends, who remembered our house as a place that was accepting and safe and good and fun for them growing up (small town, religious, homophobic, many of H's friends are gay) I'm so glad that Mom and G were there for H and her friends. Then there was a get together at Moore's bar after the work event where i got to sit and visit with J-Law for a while and then I walked them back to their b&b and went home for yet another get together at Mom and G's house where we [much smaller group of mostly H and her friends, me and my brother A and Sineater] played cards and laughed and shared more memories. One of the people who came to everything was a radio/tv engineer that G had met when he was in high school and mentored over the years. He fit right in with all of G's other 'adopted kids' and we had a great time playing games and giving each other a hard time, just like regular siblings. At one point he accidentally spilled his glass of wine into my lap and it was hilarious. It was so good to fill the house with laughter (and spilled wine) and fun one last time. That's how I want to remember that house and our family.

And in December, we saw the 37th St lights with a couple of friends [they had the street closed off and some fire performers took the opportunity to do a fire show in the middle of the street each night! Awesome!] & did a quick trip over the long Christmas weekend to Port A for dolphins and ocean and sand. New Years Eve, Thax went to a party for a couple hours while I stayed home with the dogs. Boba got some CBD and blessedly slept through most of the fireworks and other pop-pops outside. And here we are, it's a New year.

Happy 2024. Don't forget to vote!

https://photos.app.goo.gl/Wmg9obfKXXKziVbw6

We were without power for just under 60 hours. The house only got down to 46, according to the thermostat in the hall. It may have gotten colder in the kitchen and dining room since there's a lot of windows there. Thax had brought me some flowers for Valentine's Day and the lilies ended up getting that transparent frostbitten look that I remembered from working in the flowershop--the look of flowers that got too cold &/or touched the wall of the walk in flower fridge.  So that tells me the dining room may have gotten to 40 or less.

We have a gas powered fireplace so we moved a futon mattress and lots of blankets into the living room in front of the fire, wore lots of layers & had a bunch of blankets & just snuggled with the dogs. We read books and napped and warmed things up over the fire for hot things to drink and eat--I now see why our ancestors liked soups so much, much easier to keep from burning that. We weren't really all that hungry during the week of snow, but I fed the dogs twice a day as always and warmed things up for us every now and then because it seemed we should eat.  I had made a big pot of beans and a shepherd's pie in the days before the snowstorm, so we warmed those up and ate them for days.

We had stocked up on hot cider mix, cocoa, rum, and whiskey so we stayed pretty toasty. We also warmed up some mead that we'd bought at some point or another. Our Viking ancestors knew what they were doing when they invented mead!

The dogs hated the snow the first few days but by Wednesday or Thursday they were OK with going out and really really wanted a walk so we took a short one through the neighborhood. I had put down puppy pads for them in case they refused to go out, but they were very good about going out for potty, even though they didn't like it. Our terrier mix Liam learned to appreciate snuggling under blankets; normally he is a rather independent sleeper. The bassett-lab Boba, of course, is a big snuggle-bear and was a great help in keeping warm at night.

Thax's birthday was 2/16 and I made him pancakes over the fire. Burned the first one a little but the rest were fine. Pretty pitiful birthday celebration. We did have leftover cake from when I'd decided to make a Mardi Gras-themed cake the previous week. It wasn't much of a celebration, but since we're in a pandemic anyway, it wouldn't have been much of one either way. :/

The time without electricity and light was a sort of endless/timeless thing that is already almost fading in memory because there wasn't much to mark the passage of time other than dark and light.

We never lost water or gas, thank goodness. I'm thinking we need a gas stove; there's already a valve but it's a hassle to get gas-powered appliances because you have to get a city employee to come out and check the connection and approve it before you can use the appliance. I just remember it being a hassle when we replaced our gas water heater a few years ago, and I lost some days at work due to having to wait around for the various service people & city employees to come and do their various things. But that water heater is my best friend after last week--I would not have done as well if I had not been able to take a hot shower and thaw out a couple of times during the week. I tried to be sparing, knowing that others were in need of water, but I did get (and greatly appreciate) my hot showers.

My work was closed last week so I didn't get paid for a week but it's OK. They're offering extra hours to make up for it. One of the contractors in the group that got trained and started a week ahead of my group got on permanent/full time, so it's nice to see that is actually possible. I really like a 20 hour work week, though. And the money is fine so I don't really *need* to work any longer than that, and I suspect I would not enjoy it as much if it was full-time work. I enjoy my free time at home very much. I will enjoy it even more once this pandemic is under control and we can spend time out in the world with friends and family again.

I was frustrated during the times we had internet access that I saw friends and family having problems and due to the combination of extremely dangerous icy roads and pandemic, being helpless to offer anything in the way of help or shelter to anyone. Of everything in this situation, that was the worst.

There's a lot of outrage at elected officials and ERCOT right now. I wonder if the people's anger will last and be able to overcome the gerrymandering in Texas next time these folks are up for re-election. I have hope but no expectations in that regard; if it were entirely up to me, of course, I'd be living in Belize right now. Second choice: Colorado. Yes, they have snow every winter, BUT the correct infrastructure is there and houses are built to withstand such events. Texas is/was not. Additionally, Colorado has legalized some things that Texas doesn't seem to want to legalize, and ended qualified immunity and taken steps against civil forfeiture, both of which seem like egregious government overreach to me. It seems to me that Colorado is heading in a better direction than Texas is. And Belize, though it is a third world nation in many aspects, does have affordable healthcare, organic foods, and what appears to me to be robust communities that look out for one another, which we don't have here. And, again, unlike Texas, Belize seems to be improving its infrastructure while continuing to protect its ecosystem, and getting better and better rather than trending towards ruin.

We are living in strange times, that's for sure. So that's the storm and my general state of mind these days.