Writer's Block: Apology Not Accepted
May. 20th, 2009 03:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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yes and yes.
Hindsight shows that it was not a good thing to do.
I haven't yet figured out how to give a graceful, heartfelt, well-phrased apology in such a way as to generate forgiveness. (but I am letting go of the need for forgiveness, or the expectation that anything I do or say creates an obligation in others to do or say what I want them to. next step: Give the apology. Even if the resulting kick in the face is feared or expected.)
I haven't yet figured out how to forgive without seeming to give the impression that what was said or done was OK and in fact I invite the offendor to kick me in the face AGAIN first chance they get.
But what I do, finally, understand is this:
Apologies and forgiveness are NOT for who and what you think they're for.
When I apologize, it's because I strongly regret what I did and I feel badly about myself as a result. I don't like the person I was when I said or did that thing. I don't want to be that person again.
When I forgive, it's because I have made peace with what happened, I accept that things aren't as I wanted them to be but that can't be helped. It's in the past. I accept what happened. It sucked, but it's over. I do not allow that pain to continue within myself. I do not choose to keep acting or reacting from that pain.
I don't know where the trust comes in, after that...you trusting that my apology is heartfelt and I do not intend to behave that way again. Me trusting that you are also trying to better yourself and improve your behavior. Trust that we aren't trying to hurt each other anymore. Trust that my apology won't be met with an attack. Trust that I won't react in an ugly way anymore.
But letting go feels good, anyway. And I trust that everyone I have in my life, now, is there because they like me (and I like them!), they trust me (and I trust them!), they want to be there (and I want them there!), and we have good things to offer one another.
peace.
{edit}
PS! RL HOBBIT HOUSE!! AWESOME!
yes and yes.
Hindsight shows that it was not a good thing to do.
I haven't yet figured out how to give a graceful, heartfelt, well-phrased apology in such a way as to generate forgiveness. (but I am letting go of the need for forgiveness, or the expectation that anything I do or say creates an obligation in others to do or say what I want them to. next step: Give the apology. Even if the resulting kick in the face is feared or expected.)
I haven't yet figured out how to forgive without seeming to give the impression that what was said or done was OK and in fact I invite the offendor to kick me in the face AGAIN first chance they get.
But what I do, finally, understand is this:
Apologies and forgiveness are NOT for who and what you think they're for.
When I apologize, it's because I strongly regret what I did and I feel badly about myself as a result. I don't like the person I was when I said or did that thing. I don't want to be that person again.
When I forgive, it's because I have made peace with what happened, I accept that things aren't as I wanted them to be but that can't be helped. It's in the past. I accept what happened. It sucked, but it's over. I do not allow that pain to continue within myself. I do not choose to keep acting or reacting from that pain.
I don't know where the trust comes in, after that...you trusting that my apology is heartfelt and I do not intend to behave that way again. Me trusting that you are also trying to better yourself and improve your behavior. Trust that we aren't trying to hurt each other anymore. Trust that my apology won't be met with an attack. Trust that I won't react in an ugly way anymore.
But letting go feels good, anyway. And I trust that everyone I have in my life, now, is there because they like me (and I like them!), they trust me (and I trust them!), they want to be there (and I want them there!), and we have good things to offer one another.
peace.
{edit}
PS! RL HOBBIT HOUSE!! AWESOME!
