Writer's Block: It's Too Late to Apologize

[evile]

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"I'm sorry" never fixes anything. A lot of people seem to think that those two words can get them out of facing the consequences for any egregious behavior, and that's just not the way it is.

"I'm sorry" is said so often and with so little feeling by most people that it's become like the people who pass you in the hall and say "how are you," without pausing to hear the answer, because it's reflexive. It's no longer a question that they want the answer to, it's just a polite noise they make when your bodies pass.

Other words that risk becoming reflexive are "excuse me" and "I love you"...if said with feeling and consideration, they are the nicest words in the world. If they are just said as an end-run attempt to get past personal responsibility, they are offensive at best and insults at worst.

What fixes something is "I'm sorry," followed by words that indicate they understand what was said or done to cause offense, and perhaps more words and actions that indicate a desire to improve, change, or otherwise not do the same thing again. IE: some concrete words or actions to show that they actually do FEEL SORROW as a result of their words or actions' harmful effect on the other person.

We can nit pick semantics and intent and cause-effect if we want, go the Eleanor Roosevelt route of "no one can make you feel inferior without your permission,"...but the truth of the matter is that, yes, people CAN make you feel bad. We are interconnected and interdependent. The actions and words of others DO hurt.

If someone keeps on slapping us around, insulting us, ignoring us, treating us badly, and then follows up with "I'm sorry," ...that's pretty empty and meaningless. The words don't fix anything. A change has to come along with the words.

Take all this with as much salt as necessary. I have lots of issues with apologies and forgiveness, in general, and I've rarely, if ever, been able to get it right.

Oh, and to answer the question more concretely and less philosophically: yes. There are 2 people in this world whose actions have been so unremittingly selfish, abusive, insane, and evil that I will NEVER forgive them. Not for what was done to me, personally, but for what I had to see my loved ones go through as a result of trying to cope with the fallout from those actions. Damage that has been passed down to a new generation of wounded innocents. Apologies will never even come close to 'fixing' it.

Comments

I like this reply. a lot. None of us are innocent.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

http://derail-me.livejournal.com/3606.html

Re: I like this reply. a lot. None of us are innocent.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

I know I've done and said unforgivable things, too. And there is no apology that will fix it, no words or behavior that will make anything better. No way to regain trust once it's lost. Some things are just too big for 'I'm sorry' no matter how much we mean the words when we say them.

[hoo.livejournal.com]

Is the apology accompanied by (at least an attempt) to make things right?

There's a difference between "I'm sorry" for doing something late, or not well enough, or without preparation and "I'm sorry" for something you've failed to do *and continue to fail to do.*

Then there's the "I'm sorry" that means "I'm going to get what I really want by dumping you, and I find you pitiful." That one's no fun at all.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

I dont' think I have much familiarity with the 3rd version of "I'm sorry". If my ex had ever bothered to say it, that's probably the kind of "sorry" he would have said & meant, so in hindsight, I'm glad he never said it.

I guess there is a difference between "I SAID I'm sorry, now forgive me and we'll pretend it never happened, and I'll fuck you over again as soon as I get a chance,"

and "I'm sorry, here are words and actions to follow up on that and show I regret my actions and I'm trying to do better,"


but maybe there's not as big a distinction betwene those 2 types of 'sorry', or maybe it's totally subjective, and if you've broken trust in the first place, why should the person you're apologizing to trust you to actually be following through with efforts to do better, rather than following through with efforts to fuck them over good and proper next time?

Because IME, one of the 2 people I hate without apology HAS apologized, or attempted to, many times, and for all I know they're actually reformed...but I've been fucked over enough times that I don't really care if they're sincere or just crying another round of Crocodile Tears in order to suck me in and get what they want from me...I don't trust them, they're out of chances, it's not fixable, The End.

*sigh*

[made-of-paradox.livejournal.com]

There comes a point at which forgiveness needs to be earned....

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

and there comes a point in which apologies have been paid in false coin so many times that you no longer trust someone's efforts as being sincere.

Without trust in someone's intent, you really don't want them close enough to be in a position to make amends, because at that level of closeness, they can always make with the dagger in the back (again).

some people, in my experience, are just not worth trusting again. Forgiveness is good for the soul, but in a lot of cases forgiveness comes as a result of letting that person GO, out of your life, permanently.

[madame-mage.livejournal.com]

After a while when I see the same behaviours displayed over and over again, I can only surmise that they will never change and so change comes from me, they never have a place in my life again. I do back that claim up. I haven't seen my mother in over 17 years and for all intents and purposes, she's either dead or not, it doesn't matter.

My first ex husband was a complete bastard..there have been a string of people who've mouthed the words I'm sorry for some REALLY shitty actions but never anything to back it up as if these words were simply a bandaid over a festering sore. My idea is that if people knowingly and willfully committed some unforgivable acts they were AWARE they were and so sure, they get my forgiveness...and I do forget the action (read: defused the emotional content associated with their actions) but I also forget THEM..

(( SUDDEN THOUGHT!!! by the by? Happy birthday you adorable creature!!!!!!)))

The only way I healed myself was to walk away and never look back. I don't regret my actions for a moment. Life is short, I wanna make the most of it!

and I know you do TOO!

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the birthday wishes! *raises a glass* :)

I agree.

The closest I can get to forgiveness with some folks is realizing that I've learned some life lessons from those kind of people...either a "how NOT to be a jerk" or "how to deal with that kind of person the next time you meet one,"

The important thing is that you didn't let one bad ex or one bad parent keep you from being the best YOU that you can be, and you didn't them make you hateful towards all men or all parents.

You're right, life is too short. Choosing to focus on what's good in life is a fine way to be.