Quora: Should I remain in a group chat with a narcissist?

 I had a similar experience about a year ago, actually. A friend created a facebook group that was described as a ‘safe space’ for women to speak freely about past abuse or trauma, share resources, bla bla bla.

One of the people she added is a woman (let’s call her Katie) who was stalking, harassing, and running smear campaigns against a friend of mine (let’s call her Susan) who had started dating Katie’s ex. Katie hadn’t said or done anything to me, personally, but of course she started badmouthing Susan and calling Susan and her ex ‘abusers’ and whatnot in the group, sharing her episodes of harassment, stalking, and abusive behavior towards Susan and her boyfriend as things Susan and her boyfriend had done to her rather than as things she’d done to them (DARVO).

Since I was around at the time Susan was experiencing all this harassment, I knew Katie was lying, projecting, and smearing.

Rather than confront Katie about her toxic behavior towards Susan and calling her out on her smear campaign I just went ahead and left the group. I don’t have any control over who my friends are friends with, but there’s no reason for me to be around when my friend is spending time and energy on someone I know is toxic and dangerous. (that's called a Boundary!)

Now, if the group was a family group, a professional organization, a religious group, I might stay in the group chat but just not directly speak to or respond to the narcissist, and I’d be cautious about sharing any information with the group that the narc might be able to pick up and use against me.

In my experience with narcissists and groups, the narc can’t hold their ‘wonderful me!’ fake persona for very long, and eventually their true colors will show. If a group’s leadership is wise and experienced, they’ll boot the narc and keep the group intact. If the group’s leadership is naive or unprepared, the narc will tear the group apart, or turn it into nothing but a pack of flying monkeys.

Overall, I think it comes down to weighing pros and cons of staying vs. leaving and deciding what membership in the group means to you. If there are other ways to stay in touch with the people in that group and receive the information that is shared in the group that will not expose you to toxic behavior, that is the way I’d go.

========================

 Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com. 

They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here. 

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal 

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.