evile | Entries tagged with darvo

How may my narcissistic MiL view me after she massively underestimated me? She crossed a massive boundary and I ghosted her after that, 2 years ago. My husband is very supporting but still have contact with her when she initiates it.

To a narcissist, everyone is a tool or a threat. If you refused to be used as a tool (flying monkey, applauding audience member, supply of admiration, money, drugs, booze, sex, whatever) then you are a threat.

If your MIL is a narcissist as you say, she has been talking hellacious sh*t about you from that day to the present, to anyone who will listen. Whatever awful things she may have done to you and your husband, she tells other people lies about how YOU are the one who did those things to her. If she attacked you, she will tell everyone that you attacked her. (or did it first, or did it worse, whatever she needs to say to justify and excuse whatever violent antisocial behavior others may have observed)

The smear campaign, projection, and DARVO will not stop until and unless she gets you back as a flying monkey/tool, or until your husband divorces you (being her tool/flying monkey/obedient son)

It’s a toxic situation. I hope you and your husband are in therapy and have a very good, solid base of love and trust in your marriage.

It’s going to be very hard for him, and for you to stay married to him and stay on good terms with all your in-laws on that side of the family if she’s doing the usual narcissist things behind your back.

references:

Smear campaign - Wikipedia

Effort to damage someone's reputation A smear campaign , also referred to as a smear tactic or simply a smear , is an effort to damage or call into question someone's reputation , by propounding negative propaganda . [1] It makes use of discrediting tactics . It can be applied to individuals or groups. Common targets are public officials, politicians , political candidates , activists and ex-spouses. The term also applies in other contexts such as the workplace. [2] The term smear campaign became popular around 1936. [3] Definition [ edit ] A smear campaign is an intentional, premeditated effort to undermine an individual's or group's reputation, credibility, and character . Like negative campaigning , most often smear campaigns target government officials, politicians, political candidates, and other public figures. However, private persons or groups may also become targets of smear campaigns perpetrated in companies, institutions, the legal system, and other formal groups. Discrediting tactics are used to discourage people from believing in the figure or supporting their cause, such as the use of damaging quotations . Smear tactics differ from normal discourse or debate in that they do not bear upon the issues or arguments in question. A smear is a simple attempt to malign a group or an individual with the aim of undermining their credibility. Smears often consist of ad hominem attacks in the form of unverifiable rumors and distortions , half-truths , or even outright lies ; smear campaigns are often propagated by gossip magazines . Even when the facts behind a smear campaign are demonstrated to lack proper foundation, the tactic is often effective because the target's reputation is tarnished before the truth is known. Smear campaigns can also be used as a campaign tactic associated with tabloid journalism , which is a type of journalism that presents little well-researched news and instead uses eye-catching headlines, scandal-mongering and sensationalism. For example, during Gary Hart 's 1988 presidential campaign (see below), the New York Post reported on its front page big, black block letters: "GARY: I'M NO WOMANIZER." [4] [5] Smears are also effective in diverting attention away from the matter in question and onto a specific individual or group. The target of the smear typically must focus on correcting the false information rather than on the original issue. Deflection has been described as a wrap-up smear : "You make up something. Then you have the press write about it. And then you say, everybody is writing about this charge". [6] In politics [ edit ] Political debate often abuses public confidence by one candidate attempting to sway voters, not by logical argument on given issues, but by personal diatribe that does not directly bear on the matter at hand. Accusations of adultery in America date back to the 19th century. One famous example of this was the 1884 presidential campaign , in which Grover Cleveland 's opponents accused him

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Smear_campaign

Projection

Projection is the process of displacing one’s feelings onto a different person, animal, or object. The term is most commonly used to describe defensive projection—attributing one’s own unacceptable urges to another. For example, if someone continuously bullies and ridicules a peer about his insecurities, the bully might be projecting his own struggle with self-esteem onto the other person.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/projection#:~:text=Projection%20is%20the%20process%20of,own%20unacceptable%20urges%20to%20another.

DARVO - Wikipedia

Acronym used to describe a common strategy of abusers DARVO (an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender") is a reaction that perpetrators of wrongdoing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior. [1] Some researchers indicate that it is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers . [2] [3] [4] An abuser denies the abuse ever took place, attacks the person that was abused (often the victim) for attempting to hold the abuser accountable for their actions, and claims that they are actually the victim in the situation, thus reversing what may be a reality of victim and offender. [2] [4] It often involves not just "playing the victim" but also victim blaming . [3] Origins [ edit ] The acronym and the analysis it is based on are the work of the psychologist Jennifer Freyd . [2] The first stage of DARVO, denial, involves gaslighting . [3] [4] Jennifer Freyd writes: ... I have observed that actual abusers threaten, bully and make a nightmare for anyone who holds them accountable or asks them to change their abusive behavior. This attack, intended to chill and terrify, typically includes threats of law suits, overt and covert attacks on the whistle-blower's credibility, and so on. The attack will often take the form of focusing on ridiculing the person who attempts to hold the offender accountable. ... [T]he offender rapidly creates the impression that the abuser is the wronged one, while the victim or concerned observer is the offender. Figure and ground are completely reversed. ... The offender is on the offense and the person attempting to hold the offender accountable is put on the defense. [5] Examples [ edit ] Alleged examples of DARVO include: In popular media [ edit ] In the 2019 episode " Season Finale " of South Park , Randy Marsh is arrested for destroying home-growers' marijuana. Randy calls President Garrison for legal advice. [12] The President explains to him DARVO and role-plays how to use it. When Randy attempts to do so, the policemen he tries it on inform him that the tactic will not work, as Randy is not the President. See also [ edit ] References [ edit ] ^ Syal, Rajeev (June 2, 2022). "Why did the Depp-Heard libel outcomes differ in the US and UK?" . The Guardian . Archived from the original on June 3, 2022. ^ a b c Freyd, J.J. (February 1997). "II. Violations of Power, Adaptive Blindness and Betrayal Trauma Theory" (PDF) . Freyd Dynamics Lab, Department of Psychology, University of Oregon . Archived (PDF) from the original on May 1, 2020 . Retrieved November 24, 2020 . ^ a b c Harsey, Sarah (June 1, 2017). "Perpetrator Responses to Victim Confrontation: DARVO and Victim Self-Blame" . Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma . 26 (6): 644–663. doi : 10.1080/10926771.2017.1320777 . ^ a b c Wakefield, M. (March 30, 2020). "How Narcissists Use DARVO to Escape Accountability" . Narcissistic Abuse Rehab . Archived from the original on January 10,

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO

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Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com.

They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here.

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.

Is it smart to let the narcissist know your educating yourself about the narcissist? And read some answers out loud to them.

No, it is not. When you let the narcissist know that you know the name of their game and exactly what sort of person they are, they will feel narcissistic injury. This is a wound and a threat to the very core of who they are. They will feel as though their life is at stake and they will lash out and fight accordingly.

They will not say ‘oh, you are right, I am a narcissist, and I am sorry I’ve hurt you and I will try harder to be a kind person,” So if that is what you think you are going to accomplish by telling the narc about their disorder, you are very much mistaken.

Instead, they will say “No, YOU are the narcissist, YOU are the abuser, YOU are the bad person” and they will take all of your research, all of the articles you’ve shared, all of the terminology you’ve educated them with, and they will use it to create an even bigger and better smear campaign to use against you.

Congratulations, you’ve handed a loaded gun to a psychopath. good job.

======================

Can a narcissist truly believe that they are not one, and that you are actually the narcissist? I was accused of being one, but after researching it I am convinced she is and I am not because she displays ALL of the characteristics.

First, I am not a therapist, and specifically, I am not YOUR therapist or the other person’s therapist. A diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder can only be made by a qualified professional.

Second, I am not you and I don’t know your situation or the other person, so I can’t give you a reality check on who may be the real NPD so take all of this with a grain of salt.

Third, I’d like to invite you to examine the reasons you want to identify and label who is the ‘real narcissist’ in a relationship. Are you trying to be right, or ‘win’, or are you trying to preserve a connection you value with a person you admire, like, or love?

Once you’ve straightened out your own thinking on the situation, it’s easier to move forward.

If you find you are engaged in a power struggle with a person you find unpleasant, you can disengage.

If you have identified a long-standing series of words and behavior from the other person that feel abusive, narcissistic, or toxic, then you may also wish to leave the relationship.

You don’t need to make a diagnosis or assemble a court-case worth of ‘good reasons’ why you are right and they are wrong, you can just leave.

If you find that you value the person, their presence in your life, and the relationship, you may wish to move away from labeling and move on to speaking honestly and kindly with the person about the behavior you’re having trouble with.

All that being said, a favorite trick of narcissists and abusers is a little thing I like to call DARVO[1]

Deny

Attack

Reverse Victim & Offender

This will look or sound like “I didn’t do that terrible thing to you! You are a complete liar and a scumbag. You’re too sensitive, you’re always over-exaggerating, you never remember things the right way. [in other words: gaslighting[2]]. In fact YOU did that terrible thing to ME!”

If their attacking and gaslighting work well enough, you may catch yourself apologizing to THEM because they hurt you!

Basically, a narcissist or abuser does NOT want to take responsibility for their behavior, and they are such good liars that they tend to 100% believe whatever they’re saying in that moment. They really believe their own lies and they really believe they are the victim or the hurt party in any situation where they’re being held to account for their words or behavior. So you can’t always go by how a person *feels* about their own behavior, even when that person is you. You need a reality check.

See a therapist or counselor if you are having difficulties, and if you ever believe that another person is behaving in a toxic or abusive way, feel free to end that relationship.

Whether it is YOU or THEM is not as important as leaving a situation that is causing harm.

Finally, let me leave you with a bit of Cowboy Wisdom: If you leave your house in the morning and you meet one a-hole, they’re the a-hole. If you leave your house in the morning and meet nothing but a-holes all day long, YOU’RE the a-hole.

Footnotes

[1]

DARVO - Wikipedia

[2]

Ways to Tell If Someone Is Gaslighting You

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If you tell narcissists about all their behavior: gaslighting, manipulating, projecting, playing victim, etc., what will they do?

One of the most ‘fun’ tools in the narcissist’s toolbox is a neat trick called DARVO

[1]

Deny

Attack

Reverse Victim and Offender

Example:

“I am not gaslighting you! You are gaslighting ME! YOU are the narcissist! YOU are the abuser! YOU are the one playing mind-games!”

*runs away crying, tells all their followers and flying monkeys about what a mean, terrible, abusive, manipulative jerk YOU are*

The more intelligent, well-read, and well-informed the narcissist is, the better they are able to DARVO. When you hand a narcissist a self-help article or a book about NPD, they are going to use that information to add new spicy self-help and pop psychology buzz-words to the word-salad they dish out to abuse humiliate, smear, and devalue you with.

Congratulations, you handed your enemy a loaded weapon and they are going to do their best to destroy you with it.

If you must confront a narcissist*, don’t use buzzwords or psychological terminology. Don’t use self-help language. Just report the behavior as you see it, describe how it makes you feel and what your response to the behavior may be, and define your boundaries regarding the behavior. And then, enforce the boundary. Make sure the narcissist sees consequences. Every. Time.

Example:

“You have been screaming at me for 15 minutes. It makes me angry and sad when you scream at me. I am going to leave now. If you scream at me again, I will leave again,”

*I don’t actually suggest you confront a narcissist. They don’t care about your feelings and they don’t value the relationship. They are here to get whatever they can out of you and as soon as you cease to be useful, they will discard you.

BUT! If you have to interact, keep it simple, define the behavior you find intolerable, state the boundary you will have around that behavior, and then keep that boundary.

Finally, please take whatever steps necessary to remove the narcissist from your life. Go no contact, move away, quit the job, whatever it takes. Your peace of mind and future happiness are worth these steps.

Footnotes

[1]

DARVO - Wikipedia

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I had a similar experience about a year ago, actually. A friend created a facebook group that was described as a ‘safe space’ for women to speak freely about past abuse or trauma, share resources, bla bla bla.

One of the people she added is a woman (let’s call her Katie) who was stalking, harassing, and running smear campaigns against a friend of mine (let’s call her Susan) who had started dating Katie’s ex. Katie hadn’t said or done anything to me, personally, but of course she started badmouthing Susan and calling Susan and her ex ‘abusers’ and whatnot in the group, sharing her episodes of harassment, stalking, and abusive behavior towards Susan and her boyfriend as things Susan and her boyfriend had done to her rather than as things she’d done to them (DARVO).

Since I was around at the time Susan was experiencing all this harassment, I knew Katie was lying, projecting, and smearing.

Rather than confront Katie about her toxic behavior towards Susan and calling her out on her smear campaign I just went ahead and left the group. I don’t have any control over who my friends are friends with, but there’s no reason for me to be around when my friend is spending time and energy on someone I know is toxic and dangerous. (that's called a Boundary!)

Now, if the group was a family group, a professional organization, a religious group, I might stay in the group chat but just not directly speak to or respond to the narcissist, and I’d be cautious about sharing any information with the group that the narc might be able to pick up and use against me.

In my experience with narcissists and groups, the narc can’t hold their ‘wonderful me!’ fake persona for very long, and eventually their true colors will show. If a group’s leadership is wise and experienced, they’ll boot the narc and keep the group intact. If the group’s leadership is naive or unprepared, the narc will tear the group apart, or turn it into nothing but a pack of flying monkeys.

Overall, I think it comes down to weighing pros and cons of staying vs. leaving and deciding what membership in the group means to you. If there are other ways to stay in touch with the people in that group and receive the information that is shared in the group that will not expose you to toxic behavior, that is the way I’d go.

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If you manage to recognize a narcissist's attempt at gaslighting you during an argument/conversation, what do you do and how do you react right in that moment?

Stay calm and exit the conversation as quickly as you can. If you continue to engage with them, it gives them what they want—your attention and drama as you continue to disagree. Say something polite and neutral—either as an ‘I statement’ ( “I disagree and I don’t think this conversation is going to get us anywhere.”) or something in a bit of a passive voice. (“It seems we are just going to disagree on this. I need to go now,”)

Don’t bother pointing out the behavior. (“You’re gaslighting me,” or “You’re being very rude right now,” or anything like that) That simply gives the narcissist another lever to try and manipulate or trigger you. If you point out their behavior as being gaslighting, rude, or abusive, they will most certainly DARVO[1] on you and accuse YOU of being the rude, abusive gaslighter.

Simply recognize that the gaslighting attempt has been made, congratulate yourself for seeing the manipulation attempt before falling into it, and make a graceful and powerful exit. Good job!

Footnotes

[1]

DARVO - Wikipedia

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Editing to add: Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com. They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here.

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.

Could it be that most of the people complaining about being abused by a narcissist are in fact the narcissist who is projecting?

Possible, but not likely. Many, but not ‘most.’

Scott Ryan answered this question with an observation that all human beings are capable and often guilty of projection; it’s not just a narcissistic trait, it’s a human trait. Especially in times of high emotions, such as illness, death, a job loss, a break-up with a friend or romantic partner, it’s very common to blame the other party for all of the wrongdoing. It’s a primitive defense mechanism that is often the first go-to response for any high-emotion event. I do think most people do this, at some point or another in life.

It is a mark of maturity to be able to stop projecting and see ones own flaws and mistakes clearly and then use those negative experiences to learn and improve oneself. A narcissist is simply not capable of doing this. They are forever stuck in the ‘primitive defense mechanism’ stage of reaction and response, blaming all of the problems in their situation on someone else and never taking responsibility or acknowledging any mistakes.

I have personally seen and heard a narcissistic abuser co-opt the language of mental illness therapy, addiction & recovery in order to demonize their targets and paint themselves as victims. It is very effective, and you are right to view any online presence with a healthy bit of skepticism; after all, narcissists are excellent at crafting an attractive and interesting facade, and having a veneer of knowledge or expertise that they use to draw people in to their circle of flying monkeys.

Social media is an almost perfect narcissist tool for that reason; followers only get to see what the narcissist shows them and there is often no way to independently verify what the narc says about themselves, nor refute the negative smears against their long list of enemies. It’s wise not to take everything you see online at face value.

Another trick of abusers is the DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender: “I didn’t steal the cookie, you are a lying scumbag, it was my cookie to start with and you stole it!” (screamed/cried at top volume while spewing cookie crumbs from their mouth and wiping cookie crumbs off of their shirt with one hand, and the other hand still in YOUR cookie jar)

And of course there are narcissists who get off on luring in new supply by telling the sad story of all the old supplies who betrayed them, did them wrong, hurt them terribly, and left them high and dry. This tactic works especially well for female narcissists. There are so many ‘White Knights’ who love to hear the story of a ‘damsel in distress’ and come running to help, never realizing that she is actually a dragon in disguise.

What you need to look for in terms of pathology is a pattern of behavior. If you meet someone and it’s just one sad hard-luck ‘someone did me wrong’ story after another after another, if all of their life’s failures and all of their unhappiness is the result of other people hurting them, you may have found a narcissist. If a person can identify their own mistakes and their own wrong-doing, talk about what they learned from a bad experience, what they plan to do better, and if you actually observe them taking responsibility for themselves, learning, growing, changing, and doing better, then it’s likely that they are not a narcissist.

But, yes, approach all online personas with caution and take a ‘wait and see’ attitude towards any hard luck story you may read or hear from someone you do not know well. Narcissists press for instant bonding, instant intimacy, and instant gratification; withholding aid and judgement until such time as you know someone better is prudent—not just with narcissists but in all new relationships. A normal person will understand and be satisfied with a longer period of getting to know and trust one another. A narcissist will see that you aren’t an easy mark, and will move along to someone who is more gullible and willing to provide supply.

Thanks for the interesting question! I hope my answer helps.

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Editing to add: Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com. They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here.

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.

Why are NPD people not held accountable for their childish yet ruthless behavior? They are, in fact, in full control of what they choose to do.

Yes, they are in control of their behavior. They do choose times, places, and targets for their ‘rage outs’ and other abusive episodes; for example, my abusive in-law would abuse their spouse in front of me but not in front of our parents or grandparents. When I spoke to the parents and grandparents about the abusive behavior, in hindsight I see that it just made me look like a troublemaker and a gossip. Neat! I just figured that out…after 30 years! And you were here for it…but I digress.

Holding an NPD abuser accountable is like nailing jello to a tree…it just doesn’t work, they are slippery and slimy and they fall apart! They have so many manipulative tricks that are second nature to them.

The first trick they’ll try is DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.

"I didn’t hit you, you started the fight when you hit me back! It’s all your fault, I wouldn’t have to hit you if you had just listened to me and done what I told you to do in the first place!”

They also have a habit of picking a time and place where their target is vulnerable and inserting their own reality into the person’s mind (brainwashing). They may have a dream where their partner is cheating on them, wake their partner up and scream and cry at them about their ‘cheating’ until they force the person to ‘confess’ that they did actually cheat…and then hold their ‘cheating’ against them for the rest of their lives, and use their ‘cheating’ as an excuse to perpetrate infidelities themselves, since ‘you did it first’.

“Cheating’ can also be defined by the person looking at attractive people on television or in movies, which is then an excuse for the NPD to go out and sleep with other people in real life. This seems so outlandish and crazy, but both the NPD abuser and their target will legitimately actually BELIEVE that the target cheated, in real life, due to a dream or just looking at an attractive actor on a screen. It is truly bizarre. The target never has an opportunity to deal in reality and confront the NPD with their infidelity because they’ve been manipulated into allowing it due to their own ‘indiscretions’ which ‘forced’ the NPD to cheat and ‘teach them a lesson’ or 'make us even' (or whatever.)

The rules are always changing, so that the abuser can always say their target broke a rule in order to justify whatever abuse they want to dish out. The truth is: narcs gonna narc. They are going to do whatever they want to do in the moment, and backfill with justifications and excuses after the fact.

The narcissist’s world is so inside out and upside down crazy-town that there is no link in their mind between cause and effect. And if you stick around long enough, you will also adopt this crazy-town way of thinking and begin to find meaning in the Narcissist’s word-salad, and agree with them that you deserve no blame for the negative things in their lives. Narcissists do not accept or even understand consequences for their own behavior. Everything bad that happens to them is someone else’s fault, never a logical progression from their own choices and behavior.

Strangely, everything good that ever happens to them is because of their super genius professional expertise, rather than because they were lucky, or had a team of people helping them (or doing the work for them, most likely). Their minds just don't work the way normal people’s minds work.They are incapable of accepting responsiblity for any negativity in their lives. They are incapable of accepting responsibility for their own behavior. There is no ‘there’ there. All of those features of a normal person’s mind are just *missing*. You can try all day long until you turn blue and die, but you can never hold a narcissist responsible for their behavior. They just will not accept it. They will not change. They will not ever get well. Good luck with that jell-o.

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Editing to add: Posts tagged 'quora' were originally my answers to peoples' questions on quora.com. They were monetized but I am giving them away for free here.

If you feel inclined to support my writing, here's my paypal

And if you prefer to pay it forward, I recommend Safe Place as an excellent place to support.

How would the narcissist process it if multiple supplies told them to seek help from a mental health professional?

The narcissist is the author of his/her own reality. S/he is the ‘expert’ on everything that s/he says s/he is an expert on.

In my experience, that means that narcissists don’t believe that doctors know anything. They would rather read an article on Google and self-diagnose than deal with a doctor who they might have to admit is smarter and more knowledgeable than they are about their medical condition.

So, if narcissist's friend, family member, or spouse said “I think you should see a psychologist about your situation,” that would cause an injury[1] to the narcissist’s sense of being perfect, being an expert, and being in control.

They would very likely spin into a DARVO

[2]

: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender. “I don’t need a shrink, I don’t need psych meds, YOU are the sick one! YOU are the crazy one!”…and, for a cluster B, it makes more sense to have literally everyone around them telling them the same thing and ALL of them being wrong, rather than the Narcissist him/herself being wrong. Being wrong just isn’t possible, in a narc’s mind.

What’s funny/sick/sad is that if, after asking the Narcissist to see a mental health professional and having the Narc refuse repeatedly, if the Narcisssist’s supply (victim) goes to counseling and begins to heal and see the relationship for what it really is, then the Narc will tell everyone how the Supply is “lying” to the counselor, how they are fooling the counselor into siding with them against the Narcissist, etc. More fuel for the “Doctors are idiots who don’t know anything!” argument that the Narc likes to make constantly.

Bottom line: Narcissists don’t go to counselors, because the main part of their malfunction is believing that there is nothing wrong with them. There’s no way to get past that part and delve into helping them. If they won’t believe they need help, won’t seek help, and , if somehow forced into seeing a mental health professional, they would rather believe the professional is evil, wrong, and/or stupid, rather than accept anything that they say as factual or helpful.

Footnotes

[1]

Narcissistic rage and narcissistic injury - Wikipedia

[2]

DARVO: Understanding a gaslighting strategy of reversing blame - Banyan Therapy Group

How do you think a narcissist would react to confronting her if she is not self-aware? Can we tell if they are or are not aware of their disorder?

There is no point in confronting a narcissist with your conclusions about their mental disorder; the base of their entire disorder is DENIAL. They cannot see or accept this truth about themselves, because they are absolutely terrified of the dark and empty place inside and do everything they can to protect themselves from seeing it.

Secondly, unless you are a mental health professional that the narc has employed for aid, you are not qualified to make a diagnosis. Let me repeat again: unless the narcissist has specifically asked you, and you are a qualified mental health professional, it is absolutely not your job to share your diagnosis with the narcissist. It would be doing harm, both to the narc and to yourself, to share your conclusions with them.

Finally, one of the most destructive tools in the Narcissist toolbox is a whirlwind of evil known as DARVO:

Deny

Attack

Reverse Victim & Offender

What this means, in a nutshell, is that the Narc will fall back to a very primitive defense mechanism of “NO I’M NOT A NARCISSIST, YOU ARE, and I’M NOT HURTING YOU, YOU ARE HURTING ME!” —if you break it down this way, you see that it is a very immature and childish defense mechanism, but because the narc is an adult with an adult’s intelligence and strength, the DARVO can be a very powerful and very destructive tool; the Narc can and will DARVO to the point of physical or legal attack, bringing legal charges, and doing a very good job of convincing law enforcement and judges that you are the threat. They will take your information on narcissistic abuse and use the terminology to turn everything around to make you look like the narcissistic abuser and themselves look like your victim. They are skilled manipulators and excellent at spinning up a ‘poor me’ story to rally flying monkeys to their side; this is a ‘game’ you cannot and will not win and depending on the malevolence of your narcissist, you stand to lose friends, close and trusting family bonds, your job, your freedom, or perhaps even your life (put a narcissist hand in hand with a dangerously unstable flying monkey, and that monkey can be manipulated into homicide, this is no joke.)

Once you are to a point in a relationship with someone where you believe or realize that they are a narcissist, the most crucial thing for you to do is to make a plan to get yourself safely away from this person. There is no way to win, there is no way to help them, there is no way to make them see what they’re doing is wrong or force them to stop what they are doing. The only person you can control is yourself, so it‘s best to use your self control to free yourself from a relationship with a toxic and destructive person.