3399Reading _How Could You Do This To Me?_

Aug. 3, 2005

 

 

by Dr. Jane Greer.

I really didn't like it, reacted strongly and negatively to it, esp.
all the stuff about analyzing your own feelings to figure out why
someone's actions/percieved betrayal hurt you. The message of the book
seems to be that you need to define expectations and revise
friendships/relationships to a level where your expectations and their
behavior can meet, OR give up the relationship. And apparently we are
all predisposed to certain types of betrayers/betrayal due to family or
life circumstances.

I generally tend to just give up,rather than try and back up. If I give
my heart to someone, I don't know how to take it back by degrees, I am
very all-or-nothing. Either I love you and trust you 100%, or I don't
want you in my life. The people I am forced to interact with whom I do
not trust or love (coworkers, in-laws) make me SICK. I hate them. I'd
rather be dead than have to talk to them or deal with them in any form
or fashion. Being criticized by my boss is offensive mostly because I
don't see her adhering to a standard of behavior she wants to enforce,
and because I don't trust that anything I do will be accepted or
rewarded. I don't even like to admit when I don't know how to do
something, I just feel like I will be punished and ridiculed instead of
taught. And, really, that does go into childhood parental crap, and I
intellectually realize it, but it does not stop it from hurting and
poisoning my spirit.

There was an Anais Nin quote that said something like "I changed
because it hurt too much NOT to change"...some analogy to a rose that
MUST bloom.

I am feeling the opposite, that changing or growing is too much work,
not worth the effort, will hurt too much. Easier to live in this small
dark way and kill time until time kills me.

3402icq w/Zenrhino

Aug. 3, 2005

 

 

evile: happy hump day :)
Rhino: =)
Rhino: hows your humpday so far?
evile: boring. But tonight I'm going to dinner with the polys so it's
cool.
Rhino: excellent. fringe festival starts tonight so its balls to the
wall for 14 days straight
evile: That's going to be so much fun :)
Rhino: Yeah. I love getting to be a part of it.
evile: Yeah. It must be awesome to spend time with so many creative &
talented people. Inspiring, even.
Rhino: *nod* Seeing their work always picks mine up a notch.
evile: I feel the same way at times.
Rhino: Ive signed up to do almost all classical (greek and
shakespeare) theatre or physical performance art (so I can get lots
of shots wihtout the shutter noise being a problem)
evile: performance art--you're a very brave man :)
Rhino: its like anything else -- some is good, some is horrid, some
is outstanding. Ok, most is horrid.
evile: *laugh* YUP!
evile: But ya know...once you've been to some 'out there'
performances, the typical musical happy ending stuff just doesn't do
it for ya anymore.
Rhino: the problem with performance art is the same problem that most
storytellers have -- theyre performing for themselves and not the
audience.
evile: That is a very good way to say it.
Rhino: I took a storytelling class from one of the worlds best and he
kept drilling that into us over and over. Stop telling YOUR story --
start telling THEIR story with YOU in it.
evile: hm. that is a nice paradox with 'write what you know' :P
Rhino: Write what you know is bullshit. Write anything, but write
with authenticty.
evile: all the same, I don't think I could write authentically about
having a penis :P
Rhino: No, but you could write authentically enough to convince
someone you did, just from having been around (and on) them long
enough.
evile: maybe.
evile: I don't want to write anymore. I just want to be a giant
traveling Id.
Rhino: heh
evile: I have been wanting to go somewhere for AGES. But now I am a
little better, knowing I'm going to New Orleans in October. Whee!
Rhino: sweet! Im trying to get to mardis gras next year
evile: eeps! mardi gras is CRAZY! You will probably have a lovely
time, though. Make your hotel reservations now. :P
Rhino: Yeah, theyre already made. The group Im going with has gone
for about 10 yrs now.
evile: that's awesome!
Rhino: Yeah, they rock. =)
evile: My friend Squeak inherited a house in NOLA, on St. Charles
somepalce, but I don't know if she kept it.
Rhino: Hell yeah. Thats how to do it.
Rhino: PARTY PALACE
evile: Well, she's in Korea someplace now, teaching English, or some
crap. She is not really much of a house-owning type. She is always
traveling someplace.
Rhino: *nod*
evile: She's the one in the middle
http://fnord.org/~squeak/gallery/view_photo.php?
set_albumName=mudfestival&id=MuddyGals
evile: Ok, so I have a wierdo etiquette question for you.
Rhino: Answer - Yes, use lots of lube and always ask permission.
evile: *heehee* almost. But let's say you have a friend and you
say "Wow, you would be great to photograph. Let's get together and
take pictures sometime"...and then some amount of time goes by
without following up. Does the person come to you and say "so, let's
take pictures next week sometime" or do they wait for you to suggest
a day?
Rhino: You say "Hey, you and I had talked about doing a shoot. When
do you want to do that? Let's pencil something in so I can budget
for film and processing. Do you want your prints glossy or matte?"
evile: OK. That works :) I am never sure how polite it is to push
people who offer to do something nice and then dont' follow through.

evile: then again maybe it was a pickup line and I should just let it
go.
Rhino: Oh, he asked to shoot you. Got it.
evile: she, actually.
Rhino: Mrowr.
Rhino: I want pictures of that shoot.
Rhino: Yeah, just email her casually and ask if she's still
interested in that.
evile: *nod* OK.
evile: she has her own naughty website. I told her I wasn't
interested in being like...100% nekkid on the web, so maybe that's
the holdup.
Rhino: *nod*
Rhino: Once I get a house and can have studio space, I'm going to do
that.
evile: Yup. I think they have a spare bedroom that is their
backdrop/costume/photo room
evile: ampleapril.com (not work safe)
Rhino: Rock on
Rhino: The infrastructure will be zero problem (I work for an
ecommerce company). I just need to find models that fit my vision and
get the right lighting equipment.
evile: sounds like some fun shopping :)
Rhino: *nod* I've met Jen Marie from CurvyCats a few times, and I
can do work better than hers by orders of magnitude.
evile: Don't be modest, now. :P
Rhino: Oh come on. 50% of her models are...less than stunning. Plus
she uses really cheap lighting and post processing that makes her
site look...well, like a bad amateur porn site.
evile: Well...beauty is in the eye of the beholder & all that, but if
you say her technical stuff is lacking, I will go ahead and believe
you there :)
Rhino: =)
Rhino: Time for me to flee. Ive got a shoot tonight. Sadly, neither
curvy women nor bare women.
Rhino: Have a good night. =)
evile: you too *hugs!*

3403icq w/A

 

Aug. 3, 2005

 

 

evile: happy hump day :)
SkyeDS: indeed :)
evile: I'm looking forward to the weekend already
SkyeDS: we had our first practice with Bridget yesterday. And
because Amazon did not ship my books when they said they would I
cancelled the order and ordered from half.com instead
evile: hope that works out better!
SkyeDS: half.com didn't have one of the three so I went ahead and
ordered the Pdhjafsky book instead
SkyeDS: nods. It already is. Things happen for areason.
SkyeDS: the Podhjafsky book arrived in under three days and I've just
about read it from cover to cover many times.
evile: cool :)
evile: Looks like the poly dinner situation is working out well. I'm
glad.
SkyeDS: just got off the phone with the woman actually r unning
Ravensloft for her husband
evile: How's that going?
SkyeDS: well, Robert promised a bu nch of things he had no authority
to
SkyeDS: like waiving camping fees and meal costs
SkyeDS: but they just want $5 per person per weekend for the
portapotties, and I can understand that, that's more than reasonable.
SkyeDS: but I really like Sabrina and it's all going to be good
evile: cool.
evile: I have phone duty that Friday, I may head up after work onthe
19th.
SkyeDS: there's going to be a parade in town the first Saturday
morning at like 9 am, that will be cool
SkyeDS: of all the things we do I think parades may be my favorite
evile: They do that for Tablerock, too
SkyeDS: I emailed Tablerock AGAIN this morning.
SkyeDS: and confirmed that we will go all the way up to Red River
SkyeDS: it is just for one weekend, and the SCA event that weekend
isn't going to have Eq like it did last year
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: I completely paid off one of my three credit cards
yesterday. pats me on the back.
evile: excellent :)
SkyeDS: of course to be honest it only had a 750$ balance on it
anyway, and I did three payments of $250
SkyeDS: it was the smallest balance with the highest interest rate
evile: good for you :)
evile: mine have gotten out of hand lately, but I expect a
combination of plastic abstinence + September's raise should take
care of the excess by December.
SkyeDS: I'm thinking as much as I want to put away %10 of our income
every month in savings that doesn't make sense when we're still
running high credit card balances and student loans.
SkyeDS: better to pay those down and then when they're gone invest
the same money in savings and the market.
SkyeDS: speaking of investing, my first trip to whole foods is
planned for tomorrow.
SkyeDS: sineater says I have to get a new grill, and crockpot doesn't
make grills anymore. he was looking at a foreman type grill. if you
were going to buy an indoor electric grill, w here would you look?
evile: Bed bath & beyond, target, linens & things, someplace like
that, I guess.
SkyeDS: I don't think I want a foreman type grill that grills both
sides at once
SkyeDS: if you were going to buy a grill would you get a foreman
grill or not?
evile: *shrug* No idea, I have no idea what's out there, I have never
desired an indoor grill.
SkyeDS: unless/until I run into more factors to consider, I will
probably go with whatever's cheapest/most reliable anyway
SkyeDS: I loved my crockpot grill :(
evile: yup
evile: My crockpot is probably almost as old as I am and still going,
so if they still made a grill, it would be a good investment. Sorry
your old one bit the dust.
SkyeDS: the cord keeps going out.
evile: oh, yuck.
SkyeDS: and we can't find another cord anywhere.
SkyeDS: and it's an unusual size so you can't use a cord from
something else.
evile: Ther'es an appliance store on Lamar that carries stuff like
that, I think.
SkyeDS: I wonder if sineater called there already. If I can find the
name of the store I'll a sk him
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: chef's toolbox?
evile: nope. It's someone's name. I can picture it in my head,
dammit, but I'm blanking on the name.
SkyeDS: Hughes Kitchen a nd Bath?
evile: no. Oh, OK, I'm actually picturing Burnet Rd, duh.
SkyeDS: McNairs?
evile: that could be it.
SkyeDS: I'll just send him a general list of all the appliance repair
places I can find for Austin and ask him if he talked to any of them
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: I'm excited about Whole Foods. I know, I'm easily amused.
evile: WF is awesome.
evile: I am glad Jason agreed that should be a regular part of the
poly dinner schedule.
SkyeDS: if we don't get tablerock that's still four faires this year,
five if we do get tablerock
evile: cool :)
SkyeDS: that leaves out just Scarby, TRF and Excal.
SkyeDS: Excal lost their site btw.
evile: so I heard
SkyeDS: we auditioned for Marc, who wanted to give us a slot, but was
told by the jousting team that they wouldn't stand for it.
evile: Marc who? what faire?
SkyeDS: even though we would be doing everything they don't want to
do and nothing they already do.
SkyeDS: Marc Gunn
SkyeDS: the BrobBard, who is in charge of performers at Excal
SkyeDS: wanted to give us a slot but the jousting people said no
evile: Oh well. for the best, I guess. I didn't realize he was in
charge of anything.
SkyeDS: the joust team wouldn't agree to our signing on as performers
and might have thrown a fit if we'd registered to be vendors selling
rides.
SkyeDS: even though they don't want to do kid duty as a petting zoo,
or let kids up for pictures, or give rides, or anything else.
SkyeDS: <shrugs>
SkyeDS: it isn't worth the fees to be there as vendors.
SkyeDS: I LIKE our arrangements to perform in lieu of vendors fees
and passing our hats to make whatever we can for ourselves.
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: we consistently make more money than we would just on
performing fees.
SkyeDS: one bellydance troupe from Denton asked $1600 for two
weekends at Ravensloft
SkyeDS: ROFL
SkyeDS: I must be in the wrong bidness.
evile: wow.
SkyeDS: anyway, most professional jousters make $50 a day. We can
make more t han that selling rides.
SkyeDS: made more than that selling rides at Youth Academy in one day.
SkyeDS: and that's not counting what we'd make selling pictures and
readings, etc.
evile: yup.
evile: well, time for me to wander. *hugs* have a great evening :)
SkyeDS: wind to your wings :)