evile

Aug. 3, 2005

by Dr. Jane Greer.

I really didn't like it, reacted strongly and negatively to it, esp.
all the stuff about analyzing your own feelings to figure out why
someone's actions/percieved betrayal hurt you. The message of the book
seems to be that you need to define expectations and revise
friendships/relationships to a level where your expectations and their
behavior can meet, OR give up the relationship. And apparently we are
all predisposed to certain types of betrayers/betrayal due to family or
life circumstances.

I generally tend to just give up,rather than try and back up. If I give
my heart to someone, I don't know how to take it back by degrees, I am
very all-or-nothing. Either I love you and trust you 100%, or I don't
want you in my life. The people I am forced to interact with whom I do
not trust or love (coworkers, in-laws) make me SICK. I hate them. I'd
rather be dead than have to talk to them or deal with them in any form
or fashion. Being criticized by my boss is offensive mostly because I
don't see her adhering to a standard of behavior she wants to enforce,
and because I don't trust that anything I do will be accepted or
rewarded. I don't even like to admit when I don't know how to do
something, I just feel like I will be punished and ridiculed instead of
taught. And, really, that does go into childhood parental crap, and I
intellectually realize it, but it does not stop it from hurting and
poisoning my spirit.

There was an Anais Nin quote that said something like "I changed
because it hurt too much NOT to change"...some analogy to a rose that
MUST bloom.

I am feeling the opposite, that changing or growing is too much work,
not worth the effort, will hurt too much. Easier to live in this small
dark way and kill time until time kills me.