Sineater: need to talk
evile: Ok. what's up?
Sineater: i have to leave Skye_ds. i don't like her, never treated her
like i like her
Sineater: i have to face that i choose everybody over her. been
evile: *hugs* i'm sorry to hear that...
Sineater: i make excuses not to sped tim with her instead of being
honest and saying i don't want to spend time with her
Sineater: i keep lying to her and lyting to myself and it's killing
her
evile: It's not good for you, either...
Sineater: i need to stop being stubborn and trying to be what i'm not
and not admitting what i do and why i do
Sineater: because i can't be any different if i not honest about what
i do and what i am
evile: I know you've both worked on the relationship a lot. I'm
sorry to hear this. It sounds like you've gotten as far as you ccan
without professional help, or separation...? :(
Sineater: because tring to be different without dealing with the
problems inside of me makes me a liar. i can't be any better if i
avoid the real problem
Sineater: don't know if any of that will help
Sineater: she can change. why can't i?
Sineater: she has gotten better, i fall down again and again. she
stays better, i get better and then go back to the worst again
evile: FWIW, I think your'e entirely too hard on yourself.. but
sounds like you've made a decision. How can I support you or help you
in this ?
Sineater: i need a place to stay
Sineater: i won't have a vehicle
evile: what is your time frame on this?
Sineater: i can't pay rent because i owe her for carrying me
Sineater: as soon as possible
evile: Are you or Skye_ds in any immediate danger if you don't leave
right now?
evile: It would be a very large change in my household, I need to
talk with Sweetie before I make any commitment to you.
Sineater: this happened this morning because i chose you over her and
didn't even tell her for two weeks
Sineater: not have to be with you
evile: what are you talking about? 'chose [me] over her?'
Sineater: chose to go with you to houston even though you didn't want
her to go
evile: You are making an assumption that did not exist. She had
shared in her LJ much earlier that week that she planned to ride and
hang out in Drandmir that day.
Sineater: she wanted to come, i asked you why she couldn't come?
evile: I said if you didn't plan on going with her, you were welcome
to come with me.
evile: No, you did not ask me any such thing.
evile: and neither did she, for that m atter.
Sineater: tryingto understand why i don't like her. doesn''t make
sense
Sineater: she pointed out i always treatet her the same way. never
called her, asked her out, wanted to do things with her
Sineater: i thought i did earlier on, but she is rght, i didn't. i
remember it different than it was. i lie to myself
evile: I have thoughts on this, but I don't think you are in a good
place to hear them.
Sineater: same as how i always think i am getting better, doing
better than i am
Sineater: please tell me
evile: While I am discussing with Sweetie, I need you to think about your
next steps. Gather paperwork that you need, (ID, ss card, pay stubs,
names and info on your doctors) Pack clothing. etc.
Sineater: look, i need to know. how for instance did i treat her when
we came to sa that time? did i spend any time with her, did i talk to
her? i don't think i did. i think i spent the whole time talking to
everybody else
evile: when?
Sineater: sorry. 1991? think
evile: Honey, that was a LONG time ago, I've slept since then.
Sineater: no one is in any danger. you don't have to throw your house
into chaos
Sineater: i know, me too. i think i remember it a certain way but i
don't know
evile: Skye_ds, OTOH, seems to remember every wrong that was ever done
to her, from the time she ws a child and her parents did bad things,
to 10 years ago, to yesterday. and it keeps hurting her as if it had
just happened, whenever she thinks about it.
Sineater: nod, but she also remembers all the good things. she
doesn't bring up the bad things unless we fight
Sineater: i forget things right aftger they happened, even act like
everythig is the same
evile: I don't know what to tell you, sineater. What do you want here?
are you leaving forever? Are you divorcing? is this the fight that
will lead back to a honeymoon phase?
Sineater: no honeymoon phase. don't want ti to be forever but neither
one of us can go on like this. i'm tearing her apart even when i'm
trying not to and it's killing us
Sineater: got to stop and i think my stubbornness is what's keeping
me trying even though i end up hurting her.
Sineater: can't admit i don't like her. have to come to terms with
that. if i am in la la land, but everything shows i am wrong, then i
am wrong.
evile: I have discovered that I can love someone alot and not like
them as a person...
Sineater: yeah but can you live with that???
evile: And for my own sanity and well being I have to back away and
not be with them.
evile: Obviously I can live with that, because I *do*.
Sineater: he is honest with you. he doesn't lie to you about his
feelings
Sineater: if he weren't, how could you deal with that?
evile: You aren't going to get far by comparing any relationship of
yours with any other person's. this isn't about me and ___, it's
about you and Skye_ds, totally different situation, different people,
etc.
evile: There are deal breakers for me, that are not the same thing as
yours or Skye_ds's.
evile: Can I ask you...if you remember A happening, and I remember A
happening, and 4 other pepole believe A happened, and Skye_ds
remembers B happening...why do you always end up believing that B
happened?
Sineater: do you think i should have kept her in a marriage for 14
years by lying to her?
evile: I don't know why you stayed together for 14 years, sineater. It's
not productive to go there, for me.
Sineater: don't think that's ever happened. if other people believe
it, she talks to them, they come to agreement
evile: I can think of a very recent situation in which that exact
thing happened.
Sineater: i've lied to her about how i felt our entire marriage, even
before. i don't understand why
Sineater: ?
evile: I'm sorry you're feeling so down on yourself, and so negative
about your marriage...I wish there was something I could do or say to
help you feel better. I know you've tried, I've seen you make a lot
of sacrifices for your marital happiness
Sineater: well yeah, we both have. this is how i've been, and i've
been lying to myself about being happy, and behaving better than i
was. i see it usually right when i fuck up
evile: Other things you may want to gather up: property records to
show ownership (house, land, bird, horses), checkbook, financial
statements from bank(s).
Sineater: i know i have not been honest with her about how i fel.
what i say i feel and how i treater her don't match. i can be sweet
or good sometimes, and those times stick in my mind and i think
that's all i've been. but, when i sit down and think about it, or
look at a calendar and count the days where i did something nice, or
spent time with her, it's always less than i think it was
Sineater: that's all done
evile: Ok.
evile: How are we going to get you to Austin/my house?
evile: I am going to need to talk this over with Sweetie in person, I
think. It's not anything I really feel comfortable discussing on the
phone while at work and in my cube.
Sineater: hold on, trying to work this out before it leaves my mind.
why is it that i think one way and act a completely different way?
why is it i cannot admit even to myself how i feel??? why?
evile: sineater, I think your perceptions of thngs are not very clear,
and have not been for quite some time. Beating up on yourself is not
helpful.
Sineater: i have convinced her that i do not like her by not wanting
to spend time with her, not wanting to do things with her, or talk to
her, or take her out, or anything. but, i have convinced myself that
i do like her, do spend time with her etc, and the objective truth
is, i don't. i can say for instance i wantto go riding at the park on
sunday, but i can't remember for instance the least time i didn't
just not feel like it and stayed home. why this huge gap beween what
i say and how i act?
Sineater: not beating up on myself here, trying to understand why i
do things. i don't make sense to me.
Sineater: trying to sort this out. it doesn't make sense to me.
evile: I don't want you to think I'm badmouthing Skye_ds, so I really
don't feel like there's much I can say here.
Sineater: this is what i see me do.
evile: As far as the sunday we went to Houston, she mentioned at
least a week beforehand she was going to be at San Gabriel Park, she
then posted in LJ that Sunday was her special day with M, to
celebrate Valentine's day.
evile: And here we are 2 weeks later, and she's telling you (and
you're telling you) that you and I deliberately left her out of OUR
plans, that I was asked if she could come and said 'no'...and none
of that happened.
Sineater: i remember asknig you that though.
evile: I am not going to fuss and argue about what did or didn't
happen in 1991, because that's over 10 years ago, and forgiven and
forgotten as far as I'm concerned.
Sineater: understand that . just wanted to know if you remembered,
wanted to see if i remembered it right
evile: See, honey, *I* don't. And all evidence shows that SHE had
plans, long before I made any, so why would she throw away her plans
with sonar0m and the HFSers to do stuff with me on short notice?
evile: It would not have made any SENSE for me to invite her, knowing
she had plans.
Sineater: wait. wait. i remember asking you if she could come.
evile: I am not going to argue with you about it. She had plans. I
knew she had plans. I would never think to demand that someoen
disrupt their plans with their friends and their sweetie to hang with
me.
evile: She made some joke at CM when seeing my rental car about how
she, sonar0m, and arthur could all fit in, too, and I laughed. I did
not get the impression that anyone was asking me to invite her.
Sineater: no, she didn't, i did. before we went
evile: I'm sorry if that's the way you and Skye_ds remember it.
evile: I apologize for the misunderstanding.
Sineater: hey. this is not her. this is what i remember.
evile: This really isn't a productive side-track for us to get into.
evile: Sweetie will probaby want a time line. How long do you think
you'll need to stay with us?
Sineater: don't know yet.
Sineater: she has given me an ultimatum, that either my words and my
actions start matching, one way or the other, or we have to divorce.
Sineater: sound familiar
evile: That will be a pretty big sticking point for Sweetie. I don't
think he will want to commit to 'however long'.
Sineater: i have thought before i could. and even made some progress.
don't wantto decide i can do it and then get right back in that cycle
Sineater: nod, i know. it would be for me too
evile: If this is a permanent move , there is a chance we can get you
set up with Nana's home health service, and get you paid to be her
caretaker.
Sineater: that is a thought
evile: but that is not something I'd want to suggest to the family
unless you were willing to commit to it for a certain amount of time.
your Uncle B will be back in the states in April, but no idea when he'll be
getting back to Houston.
evile: (Just brainstorming here).
Sineater: question. have i always done things like this? remembered
thigs that didn't happen? forgot things that did? confused different
events and people?
evile: the memory problem, imho, is not you. Or at least not you
alone.
Sineater: i owe you an apologiy. i really thoguht i remembered asking
you if she could go and you saying no, that she would upset K/Mom. if
i didn't ask you that, ?
evile: no, you really didn't, as far as I recall. She had plans, why
would you have assumed she wanted to disrupt them to go with you?
Sineater: this is something i brought up, i said, out of the blue.
not prompted or in response to anything
Sineater: think you are right.
Sineater: think i remembered saying it and can't remember when
evile: Sweetie will probably be home around 5:30
evile: Once he and I talk things over, can I call you at home?
Sineater: yes, if i don't call you sooner
evile: OK. I will not be able to make a commitment before getting
Sweetie's OK. I love you, and I will do what I can, but my household has
to come first.
evile: I get home from work around 5 most days (buses willing), you
are more than welcome to call me at home then.
Sineater: i know that. i don't wantto put you out. i don't know what
i'm going to do yet. i feel like i've burned everything up and i
don't know if i can put anything back together
Sineater: all i have to do is act as i say. one way or another. why
is that so hard for me? other people do it all the damn time
evile: I'd say you're doing everything right. You've got your papers,
you're not a danger to yourself or Skye_ds, so you're safe, you're
taking the steps necessary to stay that way. I am sure it's
terrifying for you---I'm over here shaking, too.
evile: Do you have any kind of medical insurance right now? Or are
you totally out of pocket right now while ajilion has you between
assignments?
Sineater: as far as an exit. now why do i keep hitting the fucking
self destruct button? we were doing really well just now
Sineater: all oop
evile: OK. You seem really distressed to me. Maybe working on some
kind of breakdown... I wish you had a health care provider to talk to.
Sineater: don't mean to alarm you. just trying to sort this out. the
eternal question, why
evile: Okay, so let's say that the talk goes well with Sweetie and that
he gives us the OK to proceed. (I know he will, it's just a matter of
us needing to establish our boundaries as far as how long you'll
stay, etc.)
evile: So then, do you get a ride to Austin, or do we come get you?
evile: Will it be safe for us to come on to your property?
Sineater: i am in austin now. don't know yet if i will go back or
not. trying to sort out if i should try or give up
evile: Do you have your papers, clothes, etc with you?
Sineater: no. she said that's ok to get later
Sineater: she doesn't know if she wants to try or not either. lots of
bruises
Sineater: both of us are very stubborn and hard to give up when we've
worked so hard and all
evile: I understand.
evile: Where in Austin are you?
Sineater: downtown
evile: wireless cafe? Skye_ds's office? standing on the street corner?
Sineater: Skye_ds's office
Sineater: helping her around here because i kept her up so late last
night :(
Sineater: not bad, just talking, trying to understand why
Sineater: we know "what"
evile: Okay, so will you be at home this evening, or still in Austin?
Sineater: don't know yet. still talking
Sineater: she thinks if i can grasp why, that maybe we can keep
talking. we don't know yet if that's separate, or apart
evile: If it turns out that you can't or don't want to go home
tonight, I can book you into a hotel or something...
evile: (and I do mean you, singular. I don't want room charges for 2
people, etc.)
Sineater: no i know
Sineater: i don't understand why i'm happy with other people but i
don't like her
Sineater: puzzles the shit out of me
Sineater: i can admit it, now why??? geez
evile: well, who is saying you don't like her...you, or her? and what
is the proof of this like/dislike?
Sineater: both of us. i make excuses not to be around her, don't stay
in the room with her, don't talk much to her a lot of the time
Sineater: i mean for example. i know i can just say "i don't want to
go to " wherever, and i know that is ok, because i have said that
before. so then, why do i get sick every weekend when she wants to go
to the park? not real sick, just "not feeling well"... when i can
just say "i don't want to go"
evile: I have no idea...I think you definitely have some things to
work out.
evile: FWIW, you have family who loves you no matter what...kay?
Sineater: know that. ty
Sineater: don't know why sometimes
evile: there's no why to love, brother.
evile: You are, therefore you are loved.
evile: You make me crazy, you make me angry, you make me cry, I fear
for you, I'm disappointed in you...but always, always, I love you.
Sineater: thinking again. i treat her like i have no value, like
she's completely unimportant. doesn't fit. if i love her, why don't i
value her? ponder
Sineater: i show that i value other people
evile: *hugs* I'm very sorry you're going through this.
Sineater: well me too
Sineater: question, you know me, can you offer any insight on that
last?
evile: My perceptions come from outside the marriage, so they are not
of value to either of you.
Sineater: they are of value to me. you tend to percieve things i do
not
evile: You know Skye_ds and you know the rules and history of your
marriage, in a way that I cannot and do not.
evile: I've said before that I don't like the way she treats you at
times, and I don't like the way you treat her at times, just from
what I see. I don't know why you act like that, and I dont' know why
you stay when you mistreat one another...I care about you both.
Sineater: i know
evile: This is your marriage, your life, your choice. I can't tell
you what to do or pass judgements. YOu are both adults. By staying
together you consent to the way you treat one another.
Sineater: i'm not asking you to pass judgement or anything. i only
ask because you know me and i don't appraise myself honestly
Sineater: or rather don't think i do. i question my own judgement
evile: I don't know what to tell you, sineater. Nothing that comes from
outside yourself is going to fix you.
Sineater: not even a big ass wrench?
evile: It's very easy to see patterns and say "this is what it
is"...but from within the situation, there are mitigating factors,
there are things that are not seen from the outside, and sure it's
easy to say "leave" but harder to face the full impact of what that
reall y MEANS.
Sineater: ponder. she says she can't tell when i am being honest, the
way she can tell with most people is that what they say and what they
do match. how can she tell when i'm being honest?
Sineater: if what i say and do don't match
evile: I think you try very hard to give her what she wants. I don't
have any answers for you. I truly think you nee d professional help.
and I've said that before too.
Sineater: i'm sorry i said you said something you didn't say. i got
skye mad at you for something you didn't do. she says she's sorry,
she's not in the mood right now to talk to anybody, that she doesn't
know why she believes a damn thing i say now.
evile: If she wanted to go, she should have said something herself.
evile: We've been through this, timeand again, if Skye_ds wants
something from me, she needs to talk to ME, not tell you to tell me __
Sineater: she -didn-t want to go, didn't want to be invited, she had
plans
evile: so why is she now pissed off at you for not being invited?
Sineater: not for not being invited, for me saying something that got
her mad at you, when you didn't say it
evile: Well, I'm sorry that there was conflict between you.
Sineater: for me saying that you said something that you really
didn't say
Sineater: not your fault!!!
evile: Clarification: When I say "I am sorry" I am expressing
sorrow/concern for you, not admitting fault or blame.
Sineater: ok
Sineater: good, because you didn't say it
evile: I am terribly sorrowful that (as usual) a kind gesture has
been turned into soemthing to hurt people with.
Sineater: god im sorry. i accused you of something you didn't do
evile: and then Skye_ds is using the misunderstanding to hurt you, and
you are using it to hurt her.
Sineater: i know how hard both of you work to keep the peace for my
sake
evile: I think y'all need help.
evile: I don't think that your communication problems are going to be
fixed by keeping one another up till all hours hollering at each
other.
Sineater: i told her that you said she wasn't invited because you'd
just upset K/Mom. you didn't say that
evile: I think you need someone in the middle to clarify what you
say/what she hears, what she says/what you hear.
Sineater: sonar0m does that a lot. he is very impartial
Sineater: he clarifies what was said/not said a lot
evile: *nod*
Sineater: well we didn't holler this time at least. haven't for a
while come to think of it
evile: Capitol Area Mental Health provides sliding scale counseling.
Their number is 512-302-1000
Sineater: was looking that up earlier. thank you
Sineater: also mhmr has branch in cameron
evile: I sincerely, with all my heart, care about you and want you
to be well, happy, loved, and loving.
Sineater: i know
evile: If you or Skye_ds become a physical threat to one another,
please call safe place, 267 SAFE. They have facilities for men and
women in domestic violence situations.
Sineater: thank you. think we're far from that now but you never know
evile: I don't care what you say to her, or what she says to you,
neither of you should feel fear for your physical safety as a result.
Sineater: we don't right now
Sineater: just tired
evile: *nod*
evile: I can't be driving you back and forth to rockdale...none of
Sweetie's cars is particularly roadworthy at the moment. Will have to
borrow or rent one to pick up your stuff.
evile: (probably borrow from Aunt L & Uncle B)
evile: So once you're at my house, you're at my house. There's a bus
route, 37, that can get you downtown, etc.
Sineater: i know. stuff is not a big issue at th e momrnt
evile: I can't afford to buy you a new wardrobe, so you need your
stuff.
Sineater: i know that
evile: If you end up deciding to take up a legal proceeding, you will
need copies of your ownership documents.
Sineater: nod
evile: If you job hunt from my house, you will need all the cards ID,
etc, to fill out an i9 and get started working ASAP
evile: I will not have my home disrupted. You and Skye_ds will not be
in my house at the same time while this is going on.
Sineater: i know
evile: I like her, I care about her, but I can't have screaming and
fighting and fussing all night
Sineater: brb
Sineater: sorry. phone. was talkingto cap area ment
evile: *nod*
evile: their funding is really short right now, from what I
understand.
evile: Just be persistent and keep trying to find some help.
evile: I think you've worked on this as long and hard as you can and
need some professional insight.
evile: The pig had the baby, BTW. Aunt L just gave me the news. Not
quite 9 lbs, arrived at 3:20 this afternoon.
evile: Just a little bit of icing on the crap cake that has been
today...
Sineater: i will keep at it. we are going to go home tonight, work
out plans.
Sineater: oh greeeeat
Sineater: late. hmm
Sineater: i take it it was a live birth
evile: in the apartment with midwives, so I heard. I don't care
Sineater: shrug
Sineater: so K/Mom rushed down there?
evile: this a.m. I guess.
Sineater: best of luck to her :(
evile: Al & Rubber_Pig did not prepare a room as she asked, it's still
full of junk and trash.
Sineater: great
Sineater: surprised.... no
evile: If Mom lets that pass, they'll just keep imposing on her and
trespassing on her boundaries.
Sineater: she won't take that forever
Sineater: not even with spawn fever
evile: nope.
Sineater: with that many people in that house how can they waste an
entire room like that?
evile: *shrug* no clue.
evile: Well, it's 4. Time for me to get out of here. I will call you
tonight.
Sineater: kk. thank you. have good rest of the day ok?
evile: you too, bro. *hugs*
Sineater: :-)
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