evile | Dec. 23rd, 2004

Dec. 23rd, 2004

2759chrisloy's LJ post

Dec. 23, 2004

(& I note that she is no longer 'friend of' sineater or skye_ds. hm.)

Sparkling (chrisloy) wrote,
@ 2004-12-23 11:13:00

Current mood: restless

I hate losing everything I wrote because my hands rested on my
keyboard the wrong way. Well, mayeb it is a sign I should not be
writing about that. It was a bit personal anyway. I do have 2 other
issues I need to wor through though and writing them out does tend to
help, so here goes.
1) A while back I lost two of my best friends about a week or so
apart. Each of them individually decided that he/she did not need to
be my friend and let me know this in no uncertain terms. Now these
folks are each other's friends loosely but I do not think that either
of them were really talking to each other at the time nor were either
really in a state to focus much beyond his/her own life situation at
the time, so I do not believe this was an organized effort. Each was
in a very difficult place in his/her own life dealing with
depressing/stressful situations. I also believe, though I have no
solid proof of this in on eof the cases, that his/her significant
other for some reason was jealous or resentful of me. For the
difficulties that each was facing everyday at home, it was better for
each of them to remove me from their lives so that they could deal
better with their own lives. I understand that in my head and
eventually I came to understand that in my heart but when it first
happened (especailly since the two occurred so close together) I felt
like I must be a "bad person" and kept wondering what I "did wrong"
that all my friends hated me. If these had just been regular friends
it probably wouldn't have hit so hard but at the time, to me, these
two were seperately the best friends I had in the world. Each of them
had also pushed me away in rather hurtful manners. A great depression
spread over me and I reached out to a relatively new friend at the
time to try and figure it all out and also to help re-build some of
my self confidence. A good amount fo time has now passed and each of
those individuals that used to be my best friends has, in his/her own
way, come as close to apologizing as possible for them. One of them I
regained the old friendship and it has blossomed into something new
and much deeper. At this point I would trust her with my life. The
other one unfortunately has moved to another city and not spoken much
directly to me since the event occurred. I wuld like to be his friend
again but it feels like we have lost something precious that will
never be recovered. Looking back at both of those situations, I know
I am not a "bad person" and that I didn't do anything "wrong" but
rather each of them had his/her own life that was putting them in a
horrid mindset and causing them to push away those who cared about
them most. All that being said, lthe friend to whom I turned for help
during that time frame is now not in such a good situation himself.
Lasrt night he called and woke me up. We used to have some nice
really long talks but that was a good while back and I had ask dhim
to call me again because he seemed to be in need of a friend and
someone to talk to. Well, apparently he thinks he has reached the
point in his life that having me involved is hurting and not helping.
Last night I lost another friend. It hurt. Not as badly as when I
lost both of my best friends within a week of each other and this
time I know in my head taht I have not done anything to cause this,
but it still hurt a bitand I still had twinges of "What did I do
wrong/I am a bad person". The fact that I was only barely lucid when
he called and my hubby needed me in the other room at the same time
pulled me out of the conversation and I think spared me a bit of
emotional drain. I really care about this guy but it has been a long
time since we talked and he is not willing to accept me at the
moment. I pray that eventually he will find the peace he needs. In
the meantime I need to stop letting other people make me feel like
less.
2) Speaking of which, one of the reactions I had last night and one
thing that I do when I am afraid of being hurt is to turn icy. Guilt
trips and pity trips I just do not tolerate anymore. I know they hurt
me and refuse to feel bad about or for anyone who would use those
tactics to try and manipulate me. Even when I probably should feel
bad if someone is trying to MAKE me feel bad I just get icy.
When I am upset the choices are cry or turn icy. I haven't actually
gotten angry in years. Which is a good thing for both myself and the
rest of the world on the whole, but it leaves a lack of expression
iin me that often frustrates others when they are trying to solicit
the emotion from me.

Well, now that I am done exploring aspects of myself. I have a tons
to get done today. Thankfully my new company gives nice holidays to
its employees.

Also I'm trying to plan a bit for New Years, not sure where we will
be or what we will be doing though. I had hoped to throw a party but
the odds of that happening are shrinking quickly.

Dec. 23, 2004

evile: thank goodness for short weeks....I'm so ready to get out of
here.
SkyeDS: I bet.
evile: you all ready for your trip?
SkyeDS: lol no
evile: oh well, it'll all get done. stressing is pointless, I've
finally started to learn.
SkyeDS: sineater took the white truck to get the oil changed, to give
sonar0m keys and gas money
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: not like we don't road trip all the time anyway, I could
spend the day packing but I don't want to
evile: yup
SkyeDS: going to Txka for 3 days doesn't even require the thought
that an event does
evile: i can imagine :)
evile: Do y'all want anything from Vegas?
SkyeDS: I can't imagine what to want.
SkyeDS: besides warmer temp of course :P
evile: Ok. I know what kinds of things you like, but really don't
have much clue what sineater or sonar0m would want.
SkyeDS: sineater likes toys.
SkyeDS: toys, books, music
evile: I don't know what kind of toys or what kind of music or what
kind of books anymore.
SkyeDS: but I'm sure he would like anything you gave him because you
gave it to him :)
SkyeDS: I hate to admit after 13 years I'm not a big expert on the
toy thing
SkyeDS: although he keeps bringing home LOTR toys
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: and transformer and gobots
SkyeDS: err zoids rather
SkyeDS: sci fi books I know
SkyeDS: and I think his taste in music is close to yours
evile: that's always been my main prob. with sineater--he buys stuff for
himself that he really wants, and I dont' want to give him stuff he
already has.
SkyeDS: that's why I like gift certs
SkyeDS: I know enough to know where to shop for people, but not what
for
evile: Well, I was thinking more along the lines of stuff you can
only get in vegas, not doing 'real' xmas shopping.
SkyeDS: I thought as much. I have no clue.
SkyeDS: he doesn't collect obvious stuff like s hot glasses or spoons
evile: what T shirt sizes are they?
SkyeDS: sineater = XL, sonar0m = L
SkyeDS: sonar0m = scrawny
evile: ok. thanks :)
SkyeDS: is Sweetie on the road yet?
evile: yup
SkyeDS: :)
evile: I kind of wish he'd kept his travel plans friends-only on LJ.
Now, people know I'm home alone.
SkyeDS: not good
evile: I've kept mine friends only...so we have a short suspect list
if we get broken into over the Xmas weekend.
SkyeDS: I guess it isn't bright of me to have my event calendar
completely public in that light
evile: I had offered sineater crash space if he wanted to let things cool
off at home, but he never got back to me. It wasn't entirely
altruistic, would have been nice to have company/housesitter. Oh
well. I can always ask Aunt L to come by and check on things
SkyeDS: if he had stayed at home he probably would hae stayed here
with the children anyway. although he could have checked once a day
or whatever.
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: last night Chris L suggested that he "take a break" from his
marriage.
evile: Interesting idea.
SkyeDS: and that starting new relationships was a good way to handle
problems in existing relationships
evile: very interesting idea.
SkyeDS: nobody else I know of thinks it's a good idea
evile: but fascinating nonetheless.
SkyeDS: most good poly websites (noel's, veaux's) say exactly the
opposite
SkyeDS: I thought sineater was going to go through the phone and strangle
her
evile: When some married friends of ours had troubles, they lived
apart for about a month and only met up for their counseling
sessions. It seems to have helped.
SkyeDS: I can see that.
SkyeDS: but not the other.
SkyeDS: she seemed to think that both in conjunction were called for
evile: hm
SkyeDS: and that he can just go off and leave the children here for
long periods of time
SkyeDS: while she of course would never do that with her baby.
evile: *shrug*
SkyeDS: and she never once thought to ask how I was after all I went
through
evile: to a lot of people, an adult animal is not the same thign as a
human infant.
SkyeDS: and she puts all this down to a "self image" problem on his
part
SkyeDS: and it will all get better iff he just lets other people make
him feel good.
evile: she was friends with sineater sometime in HS, so she's his friend
first, I guess.
SkyeDS: um no
SkyeDS: he met her because she was roommates with Robin
evile: Oh, OK.
evile: And robin is who?
SkyeDS: one of his former other women
evile: oh ok
evile: so, she still met him first and probably considers him first
and then his family members that she doesn't really know after that.
SkyeDS: you would have been disgusted had you heard her last night
SkyeDS: she was so obvious
evile: *shrug* she is not on my list of top 10 people who have their
shit together
SkyeDS: hopefully last night was the end of it.
evile: she is friends with a few of my friends, but I really haven't
felt much of an urge to get to know her better.
evile: sort of similar, but not the same as how I feel towards
roninjedi.
SkyeDS: if you are trying to keep negative fucked up energy out of
your life, you might think about keeping it that way
evile: I'm related to enough negative fucked up energy, so yeah, I
dont' need to choose friends who are also that way.
SkyeDS: exactly why this irritates me so
SkyeDS: I'm trying to keep my family together
SkyeDS: adn with friends like her trying to "help" I hardly need
enemies
evile: yup
SkyeDS: I want to know where she's going to get the time to "help"
him anyway
SkyeDS: her husband said, any man BUT sineater (and preferably a woman they can
share) and was global thermonuclear about it
SkyeDS: and they have a new baby
SkyeDS: that nearly killed her
evile: well, a lot of people distract themselves from their own
problems by immersing htemselves in their frends' drama.
evile: (have done it enough to recognize it in others)
SkyeDS: I don't suspect you had other ulterior motives
evile: no telling. People who do that also lack a lot of self-
awareness.
SkyeDS: I do not understand the need he has to bring negative fucked
up people into our lives.
SkyeDS: however, maybe this time he really will learn. I am
cautiously optimistic
evile: she's basically given birth to a child who will most likely
have a m iserable short life, and then she's got this useless jealous
man in her life ...so why not meddle in others' lives instead of
dealing with those things which are so painful and personal that she
can't really stand to look at them.
SkyeDS: he is not saying what he's always said before "it's different
this time"
SkyeDS: the baby has refused her breast milk and she's taking it as a
personal insult.
evile: I sympathize, and I'm sorry as hell for her and that poor
kiddo, but I will continue to keep her at arms length. Pleasant
innocuous conversation for the sake of friends we have in common, and
that's about it.
SkyeDS: even though she surely knows it isn't.
evile: with that many genetic defects, I wonder if intolerance for
breast milk isn't one of them?
SkyeDS: I am filing it away under what the hell are people thinking
and leaving it there :)
evile: *nod*
SkyeDS: maybe I ought to adopt a no more negative fucked up nasty
pets in the house policy
SkyeDS: you want to play with slime, take it outside
evile: heh.
SkyeDS: ;)
SkyeDS: I hope I'm not being overly optimistic, or for that matter
insane (same thing over and over wanting different results), but I
honestly think he's starting to see now, where he never has before
evile: would be nice.
SkyeDS: brb
evile: ok

Dec. 23, 2004

http://www.facade.com/tarot/phoenix/

used phoenix deck, random spread (computer chooses)

question: what should I do this weekend?

The Two Paths spread provides insight into an important decision
ahead of you, the possible outcomes, and the forces that draw you
towards each of these outcomes. The Phoenix Tarot is one of the most
strikingly beautiful decks of the 20th century. Through vibrant
colors and stylized images, it breathes new life into the familiar
symbology of the Tarot. If you would like your own copy of the
Phoenix Tarot, you can buy it now!

The top left card represents the first possible outcome. The Hermit,
when reversed: Detachment based on fear, irresponsibility or naiveté.
Self-imposed isolation from friends and loved ones. Listening to the
wrong advice or ignoring good counsel. Concealment, disguise, and
unreasoned caution.

The top right card represents the second possible outcome. The Fool:
Fearlessness, imagination, open-mindedness, and an adventurous
spirit. Freedom from cares and worries. Ideas, thoughts, and impulses
coming from a completely unexpected place. Nonchalance at the
threshold of gaining all or losing all. Extravagance and intoxication
with life. The pure and undifferentiated power of creation itself,
where ultimate knowledge and oblivion are unified.

The middle left card represents the force drawing you towards the
first possible outcome. Ace of Pentacles: The seed of prosperity and
material gain - perhaps as yet unseen. A new foundation from which to
turn your dreams into reality. The need to focus on the practical and
understand the dynamics of the natural world. May represent a gift,
document, inheritance, or an unexpected opportunity for physical
achievement.

The middle right card represents the force drawing you towards the
second possible outcome. The Emperor, when reversed: Weakness in
character leading to tyranny and abuse of worldly power. Loss of
confidence and ambition, coupled with the cold execution of the
unthinkable. The inability to carry out plans or command respect.
Being unreasonable and prone to fits of rage. A deceiver or
demagogue.

The bottom card represents the critical factor that decides what will
come to pass. Ten of Pentacles (Wealth), when reversed: Material
prosperity and riches squandered through slothfulness, gambling, or
family problems. The loss of reputation or inheritance, or the
failure to pass an inheritance along to one's children.
=================

so, it seems I need to go against my instincts here. I'll be gambling
this weekend, and if I either behave in an 'emperor' like way or hang
out with a person who is like that, 'the fool' will be my outcome--a
new beginning, freedom from cares & worries.

And if I focus on the practical & try to make Vegas my new start
financially, I'll get the hermit or be the hermit. hm.

Dec. 23, 2004

inka77 3:02pm 23 Dec 2004: One last time

Taken from assumes

A girl and guy were speeding over 100 mph on the road...

Girl: Slow down. I'm scared.
Boy: No this is fun.
Girl:No its not. Please, it's too scary for me.
Boy: Then tell me you love me.
Girl: Fine, I love you.
Boy: Now give me a BIG hug.
*Girl hugs him*
Boy: Can you take my helmet off and put it on yourself? It's bugging
me!

(In the paper the next day):

" The motorcycle had crashed into a building due to brake failure.
Two young people were on the bike, but only one survived. The awful
truth was that halfway down the road, the young man realised that his
brakes had broken, but, instead of scaring his fiancée, he had her
say she loved him and felt her hug one last time, then had her wear
his helmet so that she would live even though it meant that he would
die"

If there's anyone you love or have ever loved this much, re-post
this.

Current mood: melancholy.

Dec. 23, 2004

evile: They are going to stay together for the sake of the bird, BTW.
evile: *sigh*
thewordnerd: Oh dear god.
evile: yeah. crazy.
evile: apparently Chrisloy is on the bad list because she dared to
suggest that sineater 'take a break' from home for a while. And skye_ds
was all like "well SHE wouldn't leave her baby at home, so why does
she expect sineater to?"
evile: I was the very soul of tact, I said something like "I guess
some people don't think of adult animals and infant humans in the
same way"
thewordnerd: LOL Go you.
evile: instead of what I wanted to say which was "Shut the hell up,
you BUGFUCK LOONEY BITCH!"
thewordnerd: Yeah. I'm starting to want to say that as well.
evile: *sigh*
evile: but the Universe has shown me that there's no shortage of
bugfuck looney bitches, so if sineater leaves this one, something worse
could take her place.
thewordnerd: Ah, indeed, hadn't considered that one.
evile: yup.