Oct. 15th, 2003

evile: (clutter)

    Oct. 15, 2003

     

     

    http://www.thewavemag.com/pagegen.php?pagename=article&articleid=24184

    Dorkstorm: The Annihilation
    The ten geekiest hobbies
    By Seanbaby

    You can tell a lot about a person from the hobbies they choose,
    especially if it requires them to be tied to a bathtub full of hot
    dogs with a panel of judges and a proctologist with a tape measure
    watching. But enough about coin collecting. We've contacted renowned
    experts on geeks, as well as many actual geeks, to compile this list
    of the dorkiest things you can do with your time. Each activity will
    be ranked on both how badly it humiliates the participant and how
    negatively it affects his or her sex life. These are not rough
    estimates. These are scientific facts based on the research done by
    captive supergeniuses working in controlled conditions with test mice
    and test mice dressed like tiny wizards.



    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    10. Comic Books
    Public Humiliation: 49.5%
    Our studies show that comic book geeks are normally solitary, but
    engage in very noisy arguments when gathered in numbers. These are
    usually based on the most recent superhero movie, and how much it
    sucked. This sucking is always measured in direct relation to the
    number of continuity problems between it and an issue of The
    Incredible Hulk, which to be honest, had some problems of its own
    like the Abrams tank with the completely wrong size smoothbore turret
    and the Hulk's hair just all of a sudden being parted the other way!
    Safety Tip: If your comic book geek isn't loudly complaining about
    something, check carefully – you might have blacked out and killed
    it.

    Damage to Sex Life: 68.7%
    When you're finished showing someone your chart of all the ways
    Magneto's hat in X-Men 2 was incorrect, it's going to be a long,
    uphill battle to then have sex with them. And to make matters worse,
    the faulty shape of the dong port in the movie's version of Magneto's
    hat will make having sex with it even harder.

    Distinguishing Characteristics: Comic book geeks wear a uniform of a
    faded Green Lantern t-shirt and a confrontationally unkempt
    appearance.



    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    9. Role Playing Games
    Public Humiliation: 63.4%
    Dungeons and Dragons combines the nerdiness of a fantasy setting with
    the fruitiness of improvisational theatre, and as if that weren't
    enough for them to deal with, the rest of us think these people are
    going to go crazy and kill us. It's really hard for society to do
    more to tell you that if you play this game, you're on your own.
    Damage to Sex Life: 78.0%
    We weren't exactly sure on this figure, since a 78% means that
    there's still a 22% chance of a woman walking by role players and one
    of them saying, "A minotaur? Here in the Dungeon of Kajmar!? Very
    well, I swing my axe of axing at th- why hello there, pretty lady. My
    name's Twinkleberry, The Spritish Pegasus. Why, as a matter of fact I
    AM single."

    Distinguishing Characteristics: An RPGeek either wears a black heavy
    metal shirt or, in tragic attempts at stylishness, a button-up shirt
    with a wrap-around dragon and flames.



    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    8. Scrapbooking
    Public Humiliation: 86.2%
    Most people tend to avoid scrapbookers in an effort to prevent their
    photo from being pasted between a floral border along with a word
    bubble shouting, "Are we having fun yet!" Scrapbookers have an
    insatiable hunger to date and catalogue precious moments, and many
    fear that these keepsakes are being collected to one day be used in
    an evil plan to flood the world with vomit.
    Damage to Sex Life: N/A
    People who make scrapbooks do not have sex organs like you and me. As
    required by the Code of the Scrapbookers, after the completion of
    their first book of cherished memories, surgeons replace their
    genitalia with paste dispensers.

    Distinguishing Characteristics: You'll know these people because
    they're always leading a small parade of their offspring in karate,
    ballet, scout or soccer uniforms. And according to shocking facts
    learned from these people's sweatshirts, their children THINK THEY'RE
    AN ATM!



    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    7. Star Wars
    Public Humiliation: 82.1%
    Before the lame-ass new Star Wars movies, we might have let it go if
    we saw a Lando Calrissian or an Ewok waiting in line for a movie. Not
    anymore. Anyone disguised as a Jedi in this day and age had better
    have been helped into that costume by a caregiver assigned by the
    state to assist their special needs. Related Trivia Fact: Admiral
    Ackbar is the guy with the fish head from Return of the Jedi that
    screams things like, "Shorshenblorg borshchortle!"

    Damage to Sex Life: 54.6%
    Dressing like Darth Vader creates a number of sexual obstacles. First
    you have to find someone who doesn't mind dating the dark lord of
    geeks, and from this point on the sentence is moot since you won't,
    and then they have to safely be able to dig their way through your
    codpiece of cybernetic space enhancements. Impossible. Plus, the
    speech that Darth Vader gave to Natalie Portman in Episode II (about
    how she was so great because she wasn't like sand) is going to hang
    over the heads of evil single Jedi for generations. On the other
    hand, the strict moral code of the good Jedi prevents them from
    touching naked women with anything other than a light saber. And
    that, of course, would kill them. On the third hand, I have this
    theory I've been meaning to test that jumping into a room naked and
    screaming like Chewbacca would be super erotic. Keep in mind,
    however, that my last theory, "Wouldn't it be sweet if these were
    like, FLYING condoms?" went largely ignored by the sex community.

    Distinguishing Characteristics: Overweight, casually strolling into
    the center of the room, and then when you least expect it, bursting
    into a blinding Jedi combat storm with a golf ball retriever.



    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    6. Vampirism
    Public Humiliation: 90.0%
    When enjoying Tim Burton movies and the Cure aren't enough to express
    your artistic depression, you turn to vampirism. This type of geek
    gathers with its kind to simulate vampiric society through a game of
    milling around and giving each other spooky threats in untraceable
    fake accents. Beginner's Tip: The costumes and makeup required for
    this hobby are elaborate, so if you don't have time every morning for
    a Dracula makeover, you can send the same message by just wearing a
    sign reading, "I hate my parents and my classmates beat me." To make
    this slightly more vampiric you may want to add the word "Blah!" at
    the beginning and end of the sentence.

    Damage to Sex Life: 14.9%
    One danger of vampiric sex is that many singles within in these
    communities are actually undercover vampire hunters waiting to jam a
    stake into you while you're struggling to untie your corset. Aside
    from that hazard, though, it's all good news: The dark creatures
    breed some pretty sexy people jammed into some skimpy leathery
    outfits. If you don't mind making out with someone who, like you,
    tastes like stage blood and cigarettes, you can lead an exciting sex
    life of the night.

    Distinguishing Characteristics: Vampires are difficult to spot. Keep
    an eye out for the group of restless magician corpses with simulated
    human remains dripping from their mouths. One way I've found to make
    sure they're real vampires is to scream, "Skeletor!" and see if they
    cheer in agreement.



    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    5. Collectible Card Games
    Public Humiliation: 96.8%
    Some experts claim that living a moment of completely pure
    humiliation is impossible, since that can only be achieved through
    some kind of lethal masturbation accident. But those experts have
    never seen the shame on a grown man's face who's just been caught by
    someone he knows playing Pokemon cards with a 10-year-old stranger in
    a hobby store.

    Damage to Sex Life: 89.3%
    All the carefully constructed card decks and assault strategies
    become useless once these geeks discover that a woman's vagina
    contains no defending dragon harpies. Ha ha, that's one of those
    double ironic jokes, because anyone who took high school biology
    knows that they actually DO.

    Distinguishing Characteristics: This geek is always carrying a
    backpack, at least one more type of case for emergency miniature
    statues, and a thick layer of atrophied blubber to drip feed them
    nutrients.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    4. Everquest
    Public Humiliation: 70.1%
    Since this game is played over the computer, most people would never
    know you played it unless you told them. However, if you've ever
    known anyone that's played Everquest, you know that the part of their
    brain that allows them to keep the details of their quest for level 8
    Vorpal chaps to themselves has long since been destroyed.

    Damage to Sex Life: 99.8%
    While other geek hobbies act as intercourse repellent, this game is
    so addicting to its users that it will actually destroy any sex life
    they might have, through some kind of groin miracle. And with all the
    male players pretending to be girls to get magical gifts, no one's
    inter-gender social skills are going to be finely tuned when or if
    they ever pull themselves away from imaginary adventuring.

    Distinguishing Characteristics: If someone looks like they and their
    gut have spent the last three days together in the same clothes, and
    they're secreting Mountain Dew out of their pores, that's a good sign
    of Everquest. The other is the wistful look in their eyes that yearn
    to gaze upon lizard warriors killing hobbits.


    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    3. Star Trek
    Public Humiliation: 86.2%
    These geeks used to be called Trekkies, but now insist on the less
    derogatory term Trekkers, which is the image control equivalent of
    adding a koala bear to the Nazi flag. They tend to be unobtrusive,
    but for every hundred Trekkers polite enough to obsess in their own
    homes, there's some bastard singing at the karaoke bar in Klingon and
    a computer repairman demanding that his coworkers address him by his
    Starfleet rank. Before you laugh, though, there's almost assuredly a
    third one building something that can vaporize your non-Star Trek ass
    from orbit.

    Damage to Sex Life: 93.4%
    While it's true that ladies crave fat men with pointy ears and a
    strong armpit odor, those green aliens that Kirk used to bone created
    a standard of beauty for Trekkies that no Earth woman can live up to.

    Distinguishing Characteristics: If someone approaching you is more
    machine than man and threatening to assimilate you, it's either a
    Star Trek enthusiast or an android lost in time. Either way, it's
    your duty as a human to smash it.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    2. Furries/Plushies
    Public Humiliation: 99.95%
    Furries are people who dress like animals to have sex with each
    other, usually without regard for gender of their mate or the species
    of their costume. If that's tough to wrap your head around, picture
    McGruff the Crime Dog coming to your school and humping your mascot's
    leg. Plushies have a similar hobby, but instead of having sex with
    nerds dressed as animals, they consummate their relationships with
    their stuffed animals. I'm sure you've heard of these people; they're
    the main reason the Care Bears declared war against us.

    Damage to Sex Life: -9.2%
    For a plushie out on the prowl, the good news is that barnyard
    puppets just can't say no. And as for the furries, they don't seem to
    be picky about who they mount. Maybe because they're ecstatic to find
    other people with the same debilitating social handicap as
    themselves, but most likely because everyone looks hot as a six-foot
    chicken. I mean, who's with me, how do you not [Censor's note: you
    really didn't want to read this part we cut] all the way into its
    chicken hole!?

    Distinguishing Characteristics: You'll know furries and plushies
    because they'll either be wearing a crotchless panda suit or just a
    screaming teddy bear firmly against their crotch, respectively.


    ------------------------------------------------------------------
    1. Live Action Role Playing
    Public Humiliation: 100%
    Live action role playing, or LARP, is a nerd's parent's worst fears
    come true: Dungeons and Dragons has finally made their child go
    crazy. These people dress up like fantasy characters and go on
    adventures where other nerds play the parts of enemy monsters, which
    would be fine if the participants were in the second grade. When
    adults do it, it's like a renaissance faire and backyard wrestling
    met, had demonic babies, and gave them weapons.

    Damage to Sex Life: 100%
    If you and your team of paladins are thinking about leaving your
    mom's basement to move your fantasy quests into society, you might as
    well leave your genitals behind.

    Distinguishing Characteristics: Aside from the barbarian clothes and
    giant monster heads, it's impossible to know who might be LARPing.
    The only way to be sure is when they throw make-believe fireballs at
    you from their very fingertips, but by then... it's already too late.

  •  

evile: (clutter)

  • Oct. 15, 2003

    50 Deadliest Dieting Mistakes


    EDITOR'S NOTE: With Mr. Bad Food enjoying the snowbird life at the
    South Florida office this week, we've trotted out a golden oldie to
    help you chill out until next week.

    by John McGran
    eDiets Editor-in-Chief

    From skipping breakfast to rationalizing why I should have that
    fourth slice of pizza, I've made more dieting mistakes than Carter
    has made liver pills.

    And by using that liver pill analogy, I have just showed my age...
    and love of silly phrases. (OK, since you asked: I heard the phrase
    used by my Mom when I was a lad and it has stuck with me ever since.
    Oh, and I will be 44 in a few months... ugh, my aging liver suddenly
    feels like it could use a pill.)

    And while on the subject of silly phrases (stick with me folks),
    singer Paul Simon wrote the book (well, more the song) on this
    subject when he penned his hit "50 ways to Leave Your Lover." Hop on
    the bus Gus... Drop off the key Lee... Don't try to be coy Roy... You
    get the idea.

    I'm here today, not to tell you how to leave your lover, but to
    advise you how to leave diet derailment behind as you travel down
    that road to lasting weight loss. So leave your liver -- and your
    lover -- at home and tune into this important lesson on the 50
    Deadliest Dieting Mistakes. The short but on-the-mark "mistakes" are
    a small part of the brand spanking new Pocket Encyclopedia of Dieting
    & Weight Loss.

    After I list the fearful 50, I will let you know how to get your copy
    of this info-packed publication... absolutely FREE!

    50 Deadliest Dieting Mistakes

    1. Having a negative defeatist attitude.

    2. Going on any diet that is NOT a manner of eating that you can
    adhere to for the rest of your life.

    3. Believing that you can eat cabbage soup -- or any other low-cal,
    but monotonous fare -- every day for the rest of your life.

    4. Obsessing over counting calories.

    5. Weighing in too frequently.

    6. Not drinking enough water.

    7. Drinking sugar-laden drinks.

    8. Eating more bread, pasta and potatoes than proteins, lean meats,
    fruits and vegetables.

    9. Consuming processed foods more often than fresh foods.

    10. Taking the benefits away from vegetables by overcooking them.

    11. Not having a plan.

    12. Blaming others for your shortcomings.

    13. Being quick to judge.

    14. Not being aware of the nutritional benefits or detriments of what
    you consume.

    15. Finishing every last bite of a meal, even after you are full.

    16. Going back for seconds at meals.

    17. Eating at "all-you-can-eat buffets" and consuming large
    amounts "to get your money's worth."

    18. Skipping breakfast.

    19. Starving all day.

    20. Bingeing after "falling off the wagon" and then waiting
    until "tomorrow" to get back on track.

    21. Thinking you are genetically destined to be fat.

    22. Not believing that you have the courage to change.

    23. Confusing "fat" as a personality trait.

    24. Thinking you are unattractive.

    25. Not living each day to the fullest... thinking that will come
    when you are thinner.

    26. Wasting time.

    27. Not finishing tasks you begin.

    28. Postponing tasks that need attention.

    29. Rationalizing.

    30. Thinking pills, powders or potions are more powerful than they
    really are in achieving weight loss.

    31. Thinking of exercise as a chore, instead of a way to improve your
    health and your life.

    32. Not scheduling exercise as a vital part of your day and week.

    33. Indulging excessively in alcohol.

    34. Watching sports rather than participating in sports.

    35. Watching too much television.

    36. Not giving enough time to personal hygiene and appearance.

    37. Refusing to read self-improvement materials on a regular basis.

    38. Giving up and resigning yourself to being "fat."

    39. Finishing the food off of your family's plates while you are
    doing the dishes.

    40. Tasting and nibbling on food while you are cooking it.

    41. Baking cookies, pies and cakes more often than for holidays or
    very special occasions.

    42. Always having candy in dishes, supposedly for guests, but eating
    more of it yourself.

    43. Buying unhealthy snack items "for the kids," but eating some
    yourself.

    44. Not having vegetables and/or fruit with each meal.

    45. Serving more carbohydrates than any other food group for meals.

    46. Thinking that "dieting" sprees -- and not total lifestyle change -
    - will garner lasting weight loss results.

    47. Not visualizing yourself actually living and enjoying a healthy
    lifestyle.

    48. Not taking vitamins and proper supplements.

    49. Consuming fast foods on a regular basis.

    50. Waiting for tomorrow to "get started" rather than RIGHT NOW!

    So there you have it. Bypass the hefty half a hundred mistakes and
    enjoy life the way you want it: slimmer and healthier!

    Like what you've read? To get your very own copy of the Pocket
    Encyclopedia of Dieting & Weight Loss, simply click here. Choose to
    sign up for the economical and effective eDiets plan and you'll even
    sidestep the $1.95 shipping and handling charge!

    Hungry for knowledge? Bon appetit!

    READER FEEDBACK

    Last week's column -- The Simple Reason We're Fat -- seems to have
    hit a nerve. Here's a sampling of your letters:

    I have just read the "reason we're fat, get off the couch you lazy
    bum" article. I had logged on at first with the idea I would find the
    inspiration (even the slightest) to be "strong" today and remember
    how I really do have the power to make healthy choices for my diet
    and activity. I feel more like a teenager who's just been caught
    coming home after curfew or at some other offense, and has just sat
    through an unpleasant, shaming, scolding, demeaning lecture from my
    parents. I would have been better able to swallow this article if
    perhaps you had even hinted that step one for many overweight people,
    especially women, is to figure out WHY they choose the couch instead
    of the treadmill. And I don't mean those excuses listed, like
    laziness, time, whatever. I understand the excuses, and I'm not
    asking for another one, but it has become increasingly obvious to me
    how important it is for ME to examine my "addiction" on another
    level. I certainly believe your intentions are genuine, but just that
    you are missing part of the problem. Laziness is a label that does
    not motivate, it shames. It judges. I know you did not intend to
    belittle. I just think I probably represent a large number of those
    looking for some help with understanding and conquering the issue of
    why I am on the couch in the first place. Thank you for the valuable
    articles you publish. But this one hurt more than it helped.
    Marcia

    I just finished reading the article on the simple reason we're fat.
    Stewart Smith's answer was that people are fat because they are lazy,
    and I don't agree with that. I am significantly overweight, but I am
    far from lazy. I make sure and get some form of exercise every day,
    and try to be careful about what I eat. Still, I can't seem to lose
    enough weight. While I understand the reasons for the article, I
    think it unfortunately reinforces one of the cruelest stereotypes:
    fat people are lazy and are only fat because they choose to be. For
    some of us, that is not at all true, and the blaring headline on your
    article serves a sort of injustice to those of us who are at war with
    our bodies all the time but still can't seem to lose the weight. Just
    a thought.
    Stefanie M.

    I think it is very irresponsible, inappropriate and dangerous even to
    write articles using labels like "fat" and "lazy" to account for
    weight problems that most people who are overweight deal with.
    Especially with the preponderance of eating disorders proliferating
    our country's teenagers and young adults. So many men and women with
    weight issues have some kind of abuse history that leads to weight
    retention and is not directly related to lack of exercise. Overeating
    is an addiction, and a serious one, threatening sanity and lives. To
    blithely chalk up the complexity of overeating to "not getting off
    the couch" is not only not always accurate, it is cruel. As most men
    and women who suffer from weight problems can tell you, we are
    CONSTANTLY reproving ourselves for being lazy, constantly worrying
    that we are not doing enough, not enough, not losing fast enough,
    eating too much -- basically not accepting who we are as "enough"
    just because we are alive. There is so much emphasis on "if I had
    worked out then" or "if I hadn't eaten that" that we barely have time
    to get out of the shame cycle, feel overwhelmed and fall back into
    self-defeating behavior. ENOUGH already with "I'm lazy." Enough with
    regret over what we did or didn't do in the past. What about writing
    some positive, action-based solution oriented articles that
    acknowledge what we HAVE accomplished, do not shame us for being
    depressed, overwhelmed and unable to get off the couch and are
    motivating and life-affirming? There is far too little emotional
    support and understanding in this multi billion-dollar Diet Market in
    this country. And way too much shaming.
    Lisa H.

    I was just reading your article on how lazy people are and how we
    need a beer-drinking Navy Seal to tell us what to do and how to do
    it. I have been a physical therapist for 25 years and worked in
    sports medicine for the first 15 years (I was privileged to work the
    1984 Olympics). At the end of May, I turned 50. Since the end of
    February, I have lost 25 pounds. I am here to tell you that most
    people are not lazy and to demean and demoralize people into losing
    weight is totally ineffective. To be successful in weight loss and
    exercise, it has to fit into our lives. I use, and have many of my
    clients use, an exercise ball. I keep mine in the living room and one
    in my office. So when I watch TV, I sit on the ball or do my ab
    exercises on the ball or stretch on the ball. So, I get to stay home,
    watch TV and exercise. This works for most people. My experience is
    that if a person is not taking care of themselves, they are probably
    depressed. In this state, you have to carefully nurture a person's
    self-esteem and motivation. Telling people they are lazy just
    exacerbates their low self esteem.
    Ann G.

    Well, until next week, the fridge door is closed. But if you have any
    questions and/or comments -- or a tasteful joke to share -- feel free
    to write me, eDiets editor-in-chief John McGran, at john@ediets.com.

    Are you ready to sink your teeth into a healthy new lifestyle... one
    that will help you drop weight and improve your health? eDiets offers
    a choice of 15 different diets, including the Atkins Nutritional
    Approach, ZonePerfect and the Shape Up! Plan inspired by Dr. Phil
    McGraw. To give us a try simply click here and fill out a free
    profile

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    Oct. 15, 2003

     

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