evile

 spent the weekend feeling bored and unhappy. did some laundry. made pancakes sunday morning that weren't rocks but weren't all that great. I've never been able to make a pancake.

Took the dogs to the dog park saturday evening. Took the dogs to Bull Creek Park Sunday. That was crowded and not entirely pleasant but I wanted to be out of the house. 

I never feel like I am using my weekends/ free time wisely or well. There's always work to do and I never want to do it. But I never feel like I can be free to do anything 'fun' if there' work to do. and somehow zoning out with computer or phone doom scrolling is my only get out of jail free card I can use in the 'if you haven't done any work, you don't get any fun' conundrum. dissociating is a free space on the game board of 'bored/uhappy' I guess....

work is a steep learning curve and I got cut ouf of the main group of trainees due to my technical problems and haven't been let back in so it's just me and the trainer trading messages and i don't feel like I hear anything positive, only about my mistakes. Which is my own brain-weevil left over from 20+ years of abuse at the state. I should not be a baby about this and understand my place...it's a 1 year contract, they don't owe me anything other than a paycheck. I don't owe them anything other than 40 hours of sincere effort per week.  my job is not who I am and how easily it comes to me, or doesn't, is not a measure of how good or bad I am as a human being. and, besides all that, if I was doing that badly, the company would just call my staffing agency and say 'this one is a dud, send us another,'.and that hasn't happened, so everything is OK no matter how much I think I am floundering.

I am not looking forward to the changes  in my life that will come when my mom is moved to a facility here in town; I am not looking forward to adding that trip to her place daily to my routine. And my sister picked a location that isn't easy for my brother to get to on his bike, and I know he will want to see her daily. so I'll probably be giving him rides, and then just sitting there while he entertains her. Mom loves A and they have a similar sense of humor and get along well. I did not get along well with my mom when she was 100% all there, and I don't really know what to do or say with the person she has become. I am sad and angry that she has wanted to die for ...well, my entire life, but definitely the last 2 years, and that can't  happen....the waste of resources to take care of someone who doesn't even want to be here is galling and inhumane, to my mind. which makes me feel guilty, like I"m just vulturing around for my stepdads' money which is absolutely not the thing of it AT ALL....just, I hate this for her. But her last suicide attempt that she made when she was in any mental state to make that kind of decision, didn't work, and here we all are. 

I dreamed about Anthony Bourdain last night; there was a gathering of people, his ex mother in law was supervising me as I made some favorite pasta dish for everyone. I didn't have enough of the right kind of noodles.  Once it was ready, some people took large plates and secnd while other people had not even taken a first serving.I took a small portion, just a couple of spoonfulls of pasta and sauce an some veg, trying to leave some for others... and then there was something about his daughter had an immune disorder and his ex wife was telling me about it and I was worried because the kid hadn 't gotten a plate or anything to eat when everyone else did... I dunno, it was stressful.

anyway.... life goes on whether we like it or not. 

yesterday was tough. Father's day.   I should not take  my remaining father figure for granted, m y uncle B is my godfather, and he's done a really good job of being there for me. Probably better than my bio dad (he was likely avoidant/on the spectrum + my mom made it very difficult for him and me to connect)...and my mom said sharp/critical/mean spirited things to/about/around me and my stepdad bonding/talking, too....unplesant person she was. yup. 

My sister H.  suggested we read this and talk about it.  The first few chapters were....depressing as hell. Relatable but terrible.  I dont' really want to read it anymore, but we talked about it and we'll read a hundred more pages and see how it goes 

It gave us a jumping off point for talking death, darkness, trauma, about our own family members and friends who have committed suicide and what we think about the ethics(?) of it. So that's cool. I'm not good at talking about any of that stuff in person/rl. Sometimes I write about it,w hen I remember about it. But mostly I just don't think about any of it and I change the topic if it comes up in conversation, often not even realizing I've gone off into a tangent unrelated 'making things lighter' trying to cheer people up/be a clown/bla bla unrelated blather mode. I'm sure it's frustrating for anyone who wants to talk real stuff with me. I also dissociate during disagreements/arguments with my spouse, sometimes also in other moments. I get myself through it and then I can barely remember what I said or did during the bad time. Oh hey I lost years of my life during my time with my ex thanks to that. And I'm still doing it a whooooole lot. But anyway. yeah.  back to the story we are reading.

The book's protagonist seems to be a person in their maybe late 20s ish who decides that their life is pointless and time to take pills and drink and not exist anymore. I read the first chapters and honestly didn't remember enough of them to talk with my sister H about them. I had to re read and make notes for myself. Because hey trauma suicide trigger warning bla bla!!!!

I can certainly relate to wanting to be dead. I certainly have felt at times in the past that my entire life was nothing but a series of stupid decisions, mistakes, failures, yadda. And I've been so angry over some things that are out of my control and so frustrating and infuriating  that I literally wanted to rage quit the planet because FUCK ALLLLLLLLLL Y'ALL. (genocide, murder of trans people, politics, greed, corruption, inflation, wage stagnation, greedy bilionaires, corporate bullshittery, global warming and how everyone in any position to do anything real about any of this shit just... fucking... DOESNT..... just all the rampant evil bullshit of this fucking planet that is grinding normal people into paste)But, shit, I'm 53, turning 54 this year,  I'll be gone soon enough at this point, there's no need to rush anything. Hopefully by the time I'm ready to check out, I'll have everything squared away and won't leave too much of a mess. Right now I'm still too much of a mess. And not really ready.  I'd hate to be like my mom and try and fail. twice now. once when she was a teenager and once..like, end of 2022, beginning of 2023 ish? anyhoo.....and now she 's got dementia/aphasia and can't make decisions like that for herself anymore.


so...yeah, this book sucks and I do not recommend if you have trauma and feelings and stuff around suicide. Nor if you were one of those gifted kids who has definitely not lived up to their 'potential' whatever the fuck that was