reading The Midnight Library
Mar. 4th, 2024 01:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
evileMy sister H. suggested we read this and talk about it. The first few chapters were....depressing as hell. Relatable but terrible. I dont' really want to read it anymore, but we talked about it and we'll read a hundred more pages and see how it goes
It gave us a jumping off point for talking death, darkness, trauma, about our own family members and friends who have committed suicide and what we think about the ethics(?) of it. So that's cool. I'm not good at talking about any of that stuff in person/rl. Sometimes I write about it,w hen I remember about it. But mostly I just don't think about any of it and I change the topic if it comes up in conversation, often not even realizing I've gone off into a tangent unrelated 'making things lighter' trying to cheer people up/be a clown/bla bla unrelated blather mode. I'm sure it's frustrating for anyone who wants to talk real stuff with me. I also dissociate during disagreements/arguments with my spouse, sometimes also in other moments. I get myself through it and then I can barely remember what I said or did during the bad time. Oh hey I lost years of my life during my time with my ex thanks to that. And I'm still doing it a whooooole lot. But anyway. yeah. back to the story we are reading.
The book's protagonist seems to be a person in their maybe late 20s ish who decides that their life is pointless and time to take pills and drink and not exist anymore. I read the first chapters and honestly didn't remember enough of them to talk with my sister H about them. I had to re read and make notes for myself. Because hey trauma suicide trigger warning bla bla!!!!
I can certainly relate to wanting to be dead. I certainly have felt at times in the past that my entire life was nothing but a series of stupid decisions, mistakes, failures, yadda. And I've been so angry over some things that are out of my control and so frustrating and infuriating that I literally wanted to rage quit the planet because FUCK ALLLLLLLLLL Y'ALL. (genocide, murder of trans people, politics, greed, corruption, inflation, wage stagnation, greedy bilionaires, corporate bullshittery, global warming and how everyone in any position to do anything real about any of this shit just... fucking... DOESNT..... just all the rampant evil bullshit of this fucking planet that is grinding normal people into paste)But, shit, I'm 53, turning 54 this year, I'll be gone soon enough at this point, there's no need to rush anything. Hopefully by the time I'm ready to check out, I'll have everything squared away and won't leave too much of a mess. Right now I'm still too much of a mess. And not really ready. I'd hate to be like my mom and try and fail. twice now. once when she was a teenager and once..like, end of 2022, beginning of 2023 ish? anyhoo.....and now she 's got dementia/aphasia and can't make decisions like that for herself anymore.
so...yeah, this book sucks and I do not recommend if you have trauma and feelings and stuff around suicide. Nor if you were one of those gifted kids who has definitely not lived up to their 'potential' whatever the fuck that was
It gave us a jumping off point for talking death, darkness, trauma, about our own family members and friends who have committed suicide and what we think about the ethics(?) of it. So that's cool. I'm not good at talking about any of that stuff in person/rl. Sometimes I write about it,w hen I remember about it. But mostly I just don't think about any of it and I change the topic if it comes up in conversation, often not even realizing I've gone off into a tangent unrelated 'making things lighter' trying to cheer people up/be a clown/bla bla unrelated blather mode. I'm sure it's frustrating for anyone who wants to talk real stuff with me. I also dissociate during disagreements/arguments with my spouse, sometimes also in other moments. I get myself through it and then I can barely remember what I said or did during the bad time. Oh hey I lost years of my life during my time with my ex thanks to that. And I'm still doing it a whooooole lot. But anyway. yeah. back to the story we are reading.
The book's protagonist seems to be a person in their maybe late 20s ish who decides that their life is pointless and time to take pills and drink and not exist anymore. I read the first chapters and honestly didn't remember enough of them to talk with my sister H about them. I had to re read and make notes for myself. Because hey trauma suicide trigger warning bla bla!!!!
I can certainly relate to wanting to be dead. I certainly have felt at times in the past that my entire life was nothing but a series of stupid decisions, mistakes, failures, yadda. And I've been so angry over some things that are out of my control and so frustrating and infuriating that I literally wanted to rage quit the planet because FUCK ALLLLLLLLLL Y'ALL. (genocide, murder of trans people, politics, greed, corruption, inflation, wage stagnation, greedy bilionaires, corporate bullshittery, global warming and how everyone in any position to do anything real about any of this shit just... fucking... DOESNT..... just all the rampant evil bullshit of this fucking planet that is grinding normal people into paste)But, shit, I'm 53, turning 54 this year, I'll be gone soon enough at this point, there's no need to rush anything. Hopefully by the time I'm ready to check out, I'll have everything squared away and won't leave too much of a mess. Right now I'm still too much of a mess. And not really ready. I'd hate to be like my mom and try and fail. twice now. once when she was a teenager and once..like, end of 2022, beginning of 2023 ish? anyhoo.....and now she 's got dementia/aphasia and can't make decisions like that for herself anymore.
so...yeah, this book sucks and I do not recommend if you have trauma and feelings and stuff around suicide. Nor if you were one of those gifted kids who has definitely not lived up to their 'potential' whatever the fuck that was
more reading - spoiler warning
Date: 2024-03-06 06:47 am (UTC)Did better this time, didn't dissociate and forget what I was reading as soon as I read it.
1) written by a man. Does he really have a decent understanding of his protagonist? Does he have an understanding of clinical depression?
2) Nora has been spending her life doing what other people want and following other people's dreams. Does she want anything? Regret/guilt/shame come from not doing or being what other people want her to do/be.
Mrs Elm the library lady - chess and 'move somewhere warm when you grow up, I like warm climate'. Does Nora like chess, or play because Mrs. Elm likes to play? Does Nora want to live in a warm area?
mother - fixes her ear/treats her like a problem
father - failed athlete who wants her to be a competitive swimmer, she nopes out when people start to notice her success [more success means more visible and steep penalty for possible/ eventual failure]
Dan - wants to get married and open a country pub. doesn't want her to be in a band. wants baby? doesn't want baby?
brother - wants to be in a successful band, band can only be successful with her contributions, again with 'being seen' and possibility of big failure making her not want to try.
best friend Izzy - wants her to be her traveling buddy to Australia. Dan mentioned Bronte, some town or beach from his traveling in AU. Does Nora want to go to Australia for any reason of her own?
mental health:
sees a therapist in the married Dan and bought country pub life. For marriage problems.
takes antidepressants in Australia life. wears bright colors, judges her alternate self 'bad taste' in clothing and tattoo
Is Mrs. Elm the librarian her future self? Guardian angel?
Is it only through our regrets that we discover what we actually want/wanted to do & be? Or are the heavy regrets a toxic byproduct of depressed brain? I feel like regrets shouldn't paralyze you like that.
The philosopher Nora remembers that says imagination and memory are interchangable/ same thing. why is memory = regret and imagination = possibilities? Do we really only learn by living, or can we learn (or live) by imagining living these other lives?
It doesn't seem fair that she is Nora from the main life and doesn't have any memories or skills associated with the life she's stepping into.
Her time spent in each alternate life ends when she starts to feel disappointment. Real Life has disappointments and it doesn't end. Life has regret and doesn't end.
Is she ever going to find something she likes, is good at, and wants to do? Or is she just going to go from one life to the next in which she does what other people want or expect her to do & being dissatisfied/resentful/fearful of failure?
And the thing with the cat was sad and nice; she did her best and it still ended with the cat dying. But the cat lived a good life with her, he was safe and loved, and nothing she did could change his fate. So maybe that's everyone.