Geek Social Fallacy #3
Aug. 22nd, 2007 12:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
evileGeek Social Fallacy #3: Friendship Before All
Valuing friendships is a fine and worthy thing. When taken to an unhealthy extreme, however, GSF3 can manifest itself.
Like GSF2, GSF3 is a "friendship test" fallacy: in this case, the carrier believes that any failure by a friend to put the interests of the friendship above all else means that they aren't really a friend at all. It should be obvious that there are a million ways that this can be a problem for the carrier's friends, but the most common one is a situation where friends' interests conflict -- if, for example, one friend asks you to keep a secret from another friend. If both friends are GSF3 carriers, you're screwed -- the first one will feel betrayed if you reveal the secret, and the other will feel betrayed if you don't. Your only hope is to keep the second friend from finding out, which is difficult if the secret in question was a party that a lot of people went to.
GSF3 can be costly for the carrier as well. They often sacrifice work, family, and romantic obligations at the altar of friendship. In the end, the carrier has a great circle of friends, but not a lot else to show for their life. This is one reason why so many geek circles include people whose sole redeeming quality is loyalty: it's hard not to honor someone who goes to such lengths to be there for a friend, however destructive they may be in other respects.
Individual carriers sometimes have exceptions to GSF3, which allow friends to place a certain protected class of people or things above friendship in a pinch: "significant others" is a common protected class, as is "work".
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My thoughts: I think out of all the GSFs, this is one which I personally am most vulnerable to. I try to be the kind of friend I'd want to have. This means I have probably lost many opportunities for personal growth over the years, due to making choices that were harmful to me, personally, but beneficial to someone I cared about. I have habitually placed others' needs above my own, possibly to a pathological extreme. Learning to create and maintain healthy boundaries has been very difficult for me, but I think I'm getting better.
I have also been caught in the 'don't tell so-and-so' trap between 2 people more than once. I am pretty aware of that one now, though, and I try and say something like "I prefer not to be in the middle of you two," or something like that, rather than promise to act as an information gateway between two people I care about more-or-less equally.
I have been the one who threw the party and didn't invite everyone in a particular circle of friends. Due to everyone being carriers of GSFs 1-3, there were consequences which placed me on the 'outs' with some people I would prefer not to be on the outs with...However, I still don't feel like I did anything wrong, nor would I change my actions knowing their outcome. But this one definitely bears more thinking about.
As far as GSF and Trolls I note that most trolls are very good at exploiting carriers of GSF#3 and creating divisions in groups by utilizing that whole "If this group was really about [stated goal/aim/purpose/focus of group], you would all [insert trollish demand here]."
In abusive relationships, the abusers tend to use GSF#3 egregiously (see checklist here--1-8 are basically GSF#3 in action, taken to an extremely unhealthy level.
I would say if there is one particular person, relationship, friendship, or group membership that seems to be harming many other persons, relationships, friendhsips, or group memberships, you may be falling very hard into GSF#3 and that relationship bears closer examination. It's important to be a good friend, but not at the cost of your own health, finances, wellbeing, and certainly not at the cost of your relationships with other friends, family, work, or social groups.
Valuing friendships is a fine and worthy thing. When taken to an unhealthy extreme, however, GSF3 can manifest itself.
Like GSF2, GSF3 is a "friendship test" fallacy: in this case, the carrier believes that any failure by a friend to put the interests of the friendship above all else means that they aren't really a friend at all. It should be obvious that there are a million ways that this can be a problem for the carrier's friends, but the most common one is a situation where friends' interests conflict -- if, for example, one friend asks you to keep a secret from another friend. If both friends are GSF3 carriers, you're screwed -- the first one will feel betrayed if you reveal the secret, and the other will feel betrayed if you don't. Your only hope is to keep the second friend from finding out, which is difficult if the secret in question was a party that a lot of people went to.
GSF3 can be costly for the carrier as well. They often sacrifice work, family, and romantic obligations at the altar of friendship. In the end, the carrier has a great circle of friends, but not a lot else to show for their life. This is one reason why so many geek circles include people whose sole redeeming quality is loyalty: it's hard not to honor someone who goes to such lengths to be there for a friend, however destructive they may be in other respects.
Individual carriers sometimes have exceptions to GSF3, which allow friends to place a certain protected class of people or things above friendship in a pinch: "significant others" is a common protected class, as is "work".
==========
My thoughts: I think out of all the GSFs, this is one which I personally am most vulnerable to. I try to be the kind of friend I'd want to have. This means I have probably lost many opportunities for personal growth over the years, due to making choices that were harmful to me, personally, but beneficial to someone I cared about. I have habitually placed others' needs above my own, possibly to a pathological extreme. Learning to create and maintain healthy boundaries has been very difficult for me, but I think I'm getting better.
I have also been caught in the 'don't tell so-and-so' trap between 2 people more than once. I am pretty aware of that one now, though, and I try and say something like "I prefer not to be in the middle of you two," or something like that, rather than promise to act as an information gateway between two people I care about more-or-less equally.
I have been the one who threw the party and didn't invite everyone in a particular circle of friends. Due to everyone being carriers of GSFs 1-3, there were consequences which placed me on the 'outs' with some people I would prefer not to be on the outs with...However, I still don't feel like I did anything wrong, nor would I change my actions knowing their outcome. But this one definitely bears more thinking about.
As far as GSF and Trolls I note that most trolls are very good at exploiting carriers of GSF#3 and creating divisions in groups by utilizing that whole "If this group was really about [stated goal/aim/purpose/focus of group], you would all [insert trollish demand here]."
In abusive relationships, the abusers tend to use GSF#3 egregiously (see checklist here--1-8 are basically GSF#3 in action, taken to an extremely unhealthy level.
I would say if there is one particular person, relationship, friendship, or group membership that seems to be harming many other persons, relationships, friendhsips, or group memberships, you may be falling very hard into GSF#3 and that relationship bears closer examination. It's important to be a good friend, but not at the cost of your own health, finances, wellbeing, and certainly not at the cost of your relationships with other friends, family, work, or social groups.
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Loyalty and GSF-3
Date: 2007-08-22 09:59 pm (UTC)(There are certain sorts of geeks with inclinations towards fierce loyalty, and those would probably gravitate towards GSF3, not that the appeal of GSF3 would cause the loyalty. And conflicting loyalties wreak all sorts of havoc in their psyches.)