"Mourning the mom you deserved"
Oct. 25th, 2021 11:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
evilehttps://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201703/daughters-unloving-mothers-mourning-the-mom-you-deserved
This is such a complicated thing....my mom didn't have the mom she deserved. Her mom probably didn't have the mom she deserved, either. My father for damn sure didn't have the mom he deserved. How far back do we need to go before we can stop blaming? Before it becomes absurd?
Going from personal to universal, looking out at society, you have all of these impossible demands & expectations of motherhood. Moms are supposed to be such perfect saints. Always patient, always loving, always kind, always THERE. You breastfeed you baby for too long or not long enough-you're a terrible mother. You bottle feed = your'e a terrible mother. You let your kids eat dirt and play outside=you're a terrible mother. You don't let your kids play outside=you're a terrible mother. Your kids cry in public=you're a terrible mother. Your kids are tidy, polite, and quiet =you must be abusing them in private to make them act so cowed, you're a terrible mother. Your kids are too loud, too smart, too quiet, too emotional, too outspoken, too tall, too short, too fat, too thin = you're a terrible mother. Hug them too much, you're hovering and spoiling them, turning them into mama's boys/girls, you're a terrible mother. Ignore them when they fuss, you're a terrible mother. Send them to public schoo, you're a terrible mother. Send them to private school, you're a terrible mother. Send them to daycare while you work, you're a terrible mother. Stay at home to raise them, you're just a lazy whore who wants to sit on the couch and watch TV on your husband's dime & post on social media about how hard it is being a mom= also a terrible mother. And, you would think this shit comes from men against women but no, it is women saying this shit about other women. Mommy blogs are full of vicious, venomous bile against other moms who aren't doing it 'right'. It seems like moms have no way to ever, ever, EVER be 'good'....(one of the thousands of reasons I never had kids)
Honestly, I think what people need is a female God, not some impossibly perfect mother who is never, ever going to be able to live up to the arbitrary & contrary demands of society. And, maybe, on some level, the reason humanity turned to a male god is because of that original infant-wound, that fist time we woke up hungry, dirty, wet, and there wasn't an umbilical cord from Mother, bringing us everything we needed and taking away all our filth. Mommy is bad, she doesn't love us, maybe Daddy will. If we are good enough.
It's exhausting and frustrating. I really would like to think (hope) that as soon as we're old enough to realize our parents fucked us up (even if they were doing their best), we are old enough to get to healing and forgiving and growing the fuck up.
This is such a complicated thing....my mom didn't have the mom she deserved. Her mom probably didn't have the mom she deserved, either. My father for damn sure didn't have the mom he deserved. How far back do we need to go before we can stop blaming? Before it becomes absurd?
Going from personal to universal, looking out at society, you have all of these impossible demands & expectations of motherhood. Moms are supposed to be such perfect saints. Always patient, always loving, always kind, always THERE. You breastfeed you baby for too long or not long enough-you're a terrible mother. You bottle feed = your'e a terrible mother. You let your kids eat dirt and play outside=you're a terrible mother. You don't let your kids play outside=you're a terrible mother. Your kids cry in public=you're a terrible mother. Your kids are tidy, polite, and quiet =you must be abusing them in private to make them act so cowed, you're a terrible mother. Your kids are too loud, too smart, too quiet, too emotional, too outspoken, too tall, too short, too fat, too thin = you're a terrible mother. Hug them too much, you're hovering and spoiling them, turning them into mama's boys/girls, you're a terrible mother. Ignore them when they fuss, you're a terrible mother. Send them to public schoo, you're a terrible mother. Send them to private school, you're a terrible mother. Send them to daycare while you work, you're a terrible mother. Stay at home to raise them, you're just a lazy whore who wants to sit on the couch and watch TV on your husband's dime & post on social media about how hard it is being a mom= also a terrible mother. And, you would think this shit comes from men against women but no, it is women saying this shit about other women. Mommy blogs are full of vicious, venomous bile against other moms who aren't doing it 'right'. It seems like moms have no way to ever, ever, EVER be 'good'....(one of the thousands of reasons I never had kids)
Honestly, I think what people need is a female God, not some impossibly perfect mother who is never, ever going to be able to live up to the arbitrary & contrary demands of society. And, maybe, on some level, the reason humanity turned to a male god is because of that original infant-wound, that fist time we woke up hungry, dirty, wet, and there wasn't an umbilical cord from Mother, bringing us everything we needed and taking away all our filth. Mommy is bad, she doesn't love us, maybe Daddy will. If we are good enough.
It's exhausting and frustrating. I really would like to think (hope) that as soon as we're old enough to realize our parents fucked us up (even if they were doing their best), we are old enough to get to healing and forgiving and growing the fuck up.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-02 12:09 pm (UTC)