A decision

[evile]

After yet another episode of being dragged by circumstances out of my happy denial place and face-to-face once again with My Issues, I think I've decided that I must find/make time to deal with this, or something is going to break, and I fear it will be me.

I think I will start with alanon. I think a fair number of my dysfunctional coping strategies stem from my family history of alcholism. It may be chicken/eggy to wonder if the denial, lack of communication, emotional distance, Little Prince Goldensprog & his sister Cinderella-Without-The-Ball Syndrome created the alcoholics on both sides of my family line, or if it was created BY the alcoholics...but either way, there are bad patterns of behavior that need to be told to fuck off out of my life on no uncertain terms.

At some point, it really does become more painful to try and stay the same than it is to face the dangerous uncertainty of change.

Wish me luck.

Comments

Jeez, hon!

[roninjedi.livejournal.com]

Your post filled me with compassion and concern for you. Don't forget you have friends who will do whatever they can to help you, okay?

Re: Jeez, hon!

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

No, no, actually, I don't. and they can't.

This is something I have to do myself, for me, and nobody else can do it for me or make me hurt less.

If anything has taught me anything in this life, I have learned that the only person or thing that can be depended upon 100% at any given time, is ME. Needing or wanting others to do my work is just going to end up badly.

I do NOT want to turn this into yet another stupid, pointless pity party. I am putting my intentions up there, to make myself accountable for whatever happens next, and maybe, just maybe, to ask someone for a (hopefully gentle) smackdown if they ever catch me back in my happy denial place.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

thanks. I'm terrified.

I don't want to get all culty-brainwashed group thinky...

and I dont' want to bore everyone to death with all kinds of newage bullshit me me me, my process, my issues, my bla bla bla, because I've met people like that and they are dull as dirt.

I don't want to stop being me. But the 'me' that I am now is kinda broken, and I'm afraid of what parts I am going to have to throw away in order to be healthy...

I'm really scared.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

well, I didn't say 'all the way broken', just 'kinda' broken.

There's lots of stuff that goes on behind the 'cheerful, competent, functional' facade that nobody knows about...lots of places inside that are iced over...I'm tired of waking up to those things, fighting them down and going back to my happy denial place and then waking up again with the same rotten horse head staring me in the face again.

Time to take out the trash, ya know?

Re: *more hugs*

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

there are truly a phenomenal number of alanon meetings available in Austin...most of them aren't scheduled in such a way as to be accessible to me, but I am going to try a few different groups and see if I can find one that will be OK for me. I plan on listening far more than talking.

I think if I went to a 1 on 1 therapist, I'd spend the whole time convincing them how normal and functional and not in need of a therapist I am, and at the end of the session, they'd probably decide they'd healed me and I didn't need therapy anymore. I'm just that good at denial.

Thank you for being my friend; I don't really know how to accept your offer without deluging you with garbage and throwing stupid pity party bullshit, so let's just continue as we are for a bit, OK? Krav and girls night and poly dinners and the odd voyager/gwnn party every now and then, nice together time...all good.

Re: Jeez, hon!

[roninjedi.livejournal.com]

Yeah. You're right, of course. No one can do it for you. Still if you need to throw a "pity party" for yourself, there are plenty of people who would be willing to listen and comfort you without judgement.

Strength to you.

Thanks :)

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

You rock.

I was looking at the alanon website and meeting times...looks like I need to go to a 'newcomer' metting first, and then maybe start attending either 'discussion' or 'adult children' meetings after that...I really don't quite understand how it all works; as with most culty-things there's an internal structure that is simply 'understood' by insiders and baffling to outsiders, designed to keep the 'ins' in and the 'outs' out...

Anyway...the first newcomer meeting that I might be able to get to is 8pm on Monday...which means I either cut short my SBC time or take SBC with me...neither option makes me happy.

I don't want to give up any more of my friend time than I already have. I love Krav, and I actually think it's part of the healing process to take care of my body and make it stronger and learn to defend myself (I'm worth defending...it's kind of a new thought, really)...

agh. I hate this. But I'm NOT going to do the usual 'pity party followed by retreat into denial' this time. I'm NOT.