people vs. behavior

[evile]

The bible says something like "hate the sin, love the sinner" and I've read other spiritual and philosophical works which express similar. It's something I really struggle with.

I'm terribly judgemental, and I know it. I try not to be...but it's hard. I don't know how to say "I hate lying, I hate abuse, I hate stealing, I hate drug abuse, but gosh, I sure do love the person who does those things."

I know that a lot of people who are abusive, self-destructive, and engaging in illegal or immoral activities may be doing so because they're in terrible pain, they're not in their right mind, or they dont know any better...but I just have a very hard time being sympathetic. And it's sad because I know that the people who least deserve love and sympathy are the ones who need it most.

I try.

Sometimes the best I can do is stand at a distance and hope for the best. I'm sorry for that, and I wish I could do more...I'm trying. (If it helps at all, I hold myself to the same standards of behavior that I hold others to, and I get just as harsh with myself when I fail as I do with others.)

Comments

[interactiveleaf.livejournal.com]

Some thoughts:

You may be aiming too high. Don't try to love, try to forgive, and see where that takes you. Don't try to have sympathy, try to have empathy--imagine, *really* imagine what that person might be going through, try to experience the fear and the pain that they do--and see where that takes you.

Also, nobody, nobody at all, deserves love. We get it by grace, not works. I'm not a Christian, mind you, by any means, but I do believe that the Bible contains some universal principles and that that's one of them. Love comes through luck and the kindness or wisdom of others.

There's more to that last, but this is just two cent's worth. For more, send a pre-stamped, pre-addressed envelope and a blank check. Or ask.

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I do get sympathy and empathy...but I still don't want lying, cheating, abusive, immoral, etc. people in my life or anywhere near anybody I care about.

Often for me, my sympathy goes towards the spectrum of putting a rabid dog out of its misery...and that's not a good feeling to have towards people.

[interactiveleaf.livejournal.com]

I still don't want lying, cheating, abusive, immoral, etc. people in my life or anywhere near anybody I care about.

Well Good Goddess, woman, that's just common sense!! I agree that it is better to love people than any of the other alternatives, but there's nothing to say that you can't love from a distance. There are people that I love dearly, and I am happy enough when they're on a different continent.

Often for me, my sympathy goes towards the spectrum of putting a rabid dog out of its misery...and that's not a good feeling to have towards people.

No it's not. There's a huge, huge difference between symnpathy and empathy, though. The Buddhists have involved, specific meditations that have as their sole goal gaining empathy towards others.

[kulilinei.livejournal.com]

I think the word "love" isn't really quite right for this context. I think that it's really about having compassion for that person... understanding how people can get caught up in crap and how peoples past experiences can often affect their current behavior...

All that said. I'm typically not a judgemental person. But here recently, I'm finding myself more and more so... I'm having a difficult time feeling compassion. I hope that this is only some passing thing... a matter of circumstances.

yup

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

and I think it's hard to find a balance between having compassion for someone and protecting those you love.

And then there's the idea that you are trespassing on your loved ones by attempting to protect them--implying that their judgement is unsound or that they don't have as much of a right to choose who is in their life as you do. For me, it's all very muddled.

Re: yup

[kulilinei.livejournal.com]

I totally agree that these things are very muddled... The way that I'd like it to work is that my loved ones are able to associate, befriend, love... whomever that they choose in whatever manner that is appropriate for them. In reality though, most relationships don't happen in a vacumn. The choices that one makes affects not only the person making the choices, but the other people that are close to them. You can't make those choices for your loved ones... the only thing that you can do is figure out where your boundaries are, then communicate and stick to them.

[terriblelynne.livejournal.com]

In my experience, you can only take that as far as is healthy for you. My prime living example of this is that I honestly feel that I cannot simultaneously love myself and love my father, and that any attempt to do so is self-destructive for me. So, I chose myself. A lot of people dislike, resent and put me down for this. I don't care. I can only care that I got out alive. I realise in a cerebral way that something must have happened to him or that he was born without some part of human functioning in order to be the way he is, but I can't worry about that, and I can't do any reparative work for him, and he seems to show no willingness or desire to do any for himself, so I simply can't be bothered. I have my own life to be responsible for. *shrug*

[bramblekite.livejournal.com]

I think you hit it right on the head--people who I see being nasty and hurtful and not taking any personal responsibility or trying to do better, I don't want to deal with. They are the rabid dogs.

I'd like to be able to meet the people who are honestly struggling with their demons halfway...so that's my issue, I guess.

[skye-ds.livejournal.com]

I have a "sister" (friend) who is dearer to me and who holds me dearer, than my legal family; I don't call them my blood because I'm adopted, and they aren't blood.

For more than a decade, I watched her get her heart broken by one man after another who subjected her to lying, abuse, stealing, drug abuse, etc. I can't remember now how many times at first that I tried to save her actively. Anyway, they didn't work. And as you are wont to aptly put it, "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." So eventually, I stopped.

What I started doing is expressing my opinion exactly once and dropping it. And you of all people ought to know how hard that is for the Mouth. I took one shot to explain what I thought and support it with ample evidence and proof (you can take a paralegal from a law office but you can't take the law office out of the paralegal, I suppose).

And then I sat back, and waited. Because, what I said I was afraid would happen, inevitably did. I knew she would need support when it did, and she did, and I was there to give it to her.

Some children, when Mom tells them, "don't put coffee beans up your nose, don't stick your finger in an electrical outlet, or don't put your hand on a hot stove," don't get it -- until they've done one or some combination of the above. The Hard Way. I learned the Hard Way, too, that if I alienated her by actively trying to save her, that when it did fall apart, as I knew it had to, she would need someone supportive, but it wouldn't be me, because I alienated her.

Anyway, just my due lire (consider the source) ~ me