1248 my LJ entry

[evile]

Mar. 3, 2003

 

 

Gee, I'm dense
You know...there should be cards for things, like they had in
Victorian days. No phone, so you'd hike your ass over to Lord
Hoitytoity's house and give your card to a servant and then the
servant would take your card upstairs to Lady Hoitytoity, and she'd
either decide she was receiving you or she wasn't, and would instruct
the servant on how to deal with you.

Or you'd see some lovely person at the opera or wherever and get an
introduction from a mutual acquaintance, and s/he'd give you a card
that says "The Blimey Family receives new acquaintances from 3 to 5
on Thursdays" and you'd then know when it would be cool to come by.

So...they need to make cards that say "I've dumped you from my circle
of friends, kindly fuck off now, please"

That would save me an awful lot of time and bother, I think.

I guess I'm a bad friend, but I just realized the other day that a
friend I've had my entire life didn't invite me to her son's birthday
party last month or tell me about her daughter's birthday festivities
this month...so I think I've been dumped. Not like her to miss the
chance to have someone give her children presents, so I must really
be on the Bad List now. And, you know what? I just really find myself
having a hard time caring. If you've known me all your fucking life
and you don't have the sack to let me know that you're 'cutting me
dead'...that pretty much speaks for the entire nature of the
friendship as it currently stands.

Nice load off my shoulders. Thanks.

But it would have been nice to actually be TOLD rather than just kind
of gradually sluffed away...

The temptation, of course, is to take it all on myself; to rail and
beat myself up and tell myself what an awful person I am, that I
don't deserve any friends, that Of Course my oldest friend couldn't
stand me anymore, and Who Could, because I'm Just so Awful...but I'm
done with that.
==========================================

I can't really think of anything specific I've done to piss her
off...but maybe she is reading my dland and seeing that I'm really
not into kids and thinking that means I don't like her kids, or ??? I
dunno. I don't care. I can't waste my life second guessing every
goddamn thing anyone says or doesn't say, does or doesn't do...

People have the responsibility to meet one another halfway, andI'm
tired of building the whole bridge by myself only to have it
torpedoed by the other person...or to find them not standing there
when I'm done building & walking across...

So, I'm done. If she has something to say, she can fuckin' say it. Or
not.

I guess my main 'fault' is that I'm just too independent. I could
have tried to make plans with people this weekend, but I just didn't
want to waste my time calling everyone to get someone to go with me,
when I just wanted to *go*. And emailing invites doesn't get much
response atall...so there's no reason to keep beating my head up
against that brick wall.